KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Son's a meth addict

pepper	Son's a meth addict I'm new at this - my 22 yr old is a meth user/addict. He has gone through a lot of hell in his young life - year in Iraq with the Army, married a girl when he got back cuz she said she was pregnant - turned out not to be his. So 22 and divorced. Now he's spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do. Thought money was the answer, but $40,000 later realize it's not. Found this site and have learned so much. Know how to handle his outburst and blame and guilt better now. But, he still can't see he needs professional help. I cut off the money completely when he got violent - choked me and threw me against a wall. Next day he's crying and saying he's sorry. Same routine over and over again. Just got off the phone with him and he apologized for another incident last night. I told him I was here to help him when he was ready to receive the help - but the help didn't include money in his pocket. It meant rehab or meetings. He will have no part of it. Says he doesn't need THAT kind of help. Trying to stay strong but just can't get through to him. So much anger and harsh words from him. He's my only child and I'm losing him more every day.
Replies...
micole	Re: Son's a meth addict (((Pepper))), I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Stick around, you will learn a lot on this board. Right now, all you can do is take care of yourself. My prayers are with you and your son.
Iselita	Re: Son's a meth addict I too am sorry to hear another mother feel for her son. You are right to not enable him and his use. Keep yourself safe, who knows what he might do after he has already physically hurt you. To strike a mother is a big thing, I know he is falling deeper and deeper. But it is all him not you he is making the choice to use.
pepper	Re: Son's a meth addict Thanks so much for the supportive replies. It really does help, knowing I'm not alone. I raised him all by myself and blamed myself for so long - but you're right - it's his choice. The guilt is not mine to bear. I just want it to all be better, normal, hurts so much to know he can be anything he wants to be - he hates himself so he lashes out at the one person who loves him more than life itself. Just doesn't seem fair.
Kathy as cmom	Re: Son's a meth addict I understand. We all understand. Keep coming back.
sdm sanjose	Re: Son's a meth addict *Quote:* I cut off the money completely when he got violent - choked me and threw me against a wall. Pepper, I would do something about that kind of behavior. Meth is not a good enough excuse for a grown man to choke and throw his mother against the wall. If you do not have any one to help you stop his violence then get the police if necessary. I don't give a shyt what kind of drug he is using, treating your mother like that is totally unacceptable. When my son was high and cussed his mother (my wife) out as a teenager I had him put in juvenile home for a while. Allowing him to disrespect his loving mother is not going to help you or him. Don't let him get by with that again. When he gets in recovery it will be better if he does not have to deal with disrespecting his mother numerous times My 25-year-old son has been using drugs since age 13 and one of the many things that I have learned is to work on building yourself up. You may be called upon to help your son sometime before or after recovery so keep yourself in as good of shape as possible. I feel for you and your son as this drug is destructive but is beatable. Read of all the people on this forum that have recovered from years and years of addiction and you will get some encouragement.
pepper	Re: Son's a meth addict Son just called and said he needed help. My heart leapt. But it's because he owes a drug dealer money and was taking his laptop to give, hoping the guy would accept that. He has to do a ua Wednesday, but got high today, so he says rehab will keep him from having to do the ua. I told him I would help him get into rehab, but not just to stay out of jail. He needs to do it because he wants to change. He says his whole life has been a lie and the only thing he knows are drugs and hustling. I told him he got high to numb the pain of past mistakes, past hurts, past disappointments and when he could get those out and let them go, the drugs wouldn't matter anymore. He could find pleasure in other things. As soon as he realized I wasn't going to give him money, he said never mind, I'll just take my chances and if the guy puts a bullet in my head, game over. Now, here I sit wondering if my phone is going to ring - will it be him, will it be the police....How did it get so bad?
calypso 1047	Re: Son's a meth addict I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Pepper. I think like others posted, you need to first and foremost take care of yourself. Like you I am the loved one (ex-fiancée) of an addict. I also agree that entering rehab just to keep out of jail isn't necessarily (may or may not) result in full recovery. From everything I've learned at this site, it's based on his rock bottom, not on yours, which is often very very hard to stand back and watch. Especially the violence, and self-destructive behavior. Here's something I STILL keep on my desk at work, it's from families anonymous. Self Pity Blocks Effective Action. The more I indulge in it, the more I feel that the answer to my problems is a change in others and society, not in myself. Thus, I become a hopeless cause. Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future, and anxiously hovering over it, for fear that it will or it won't come true uses all of my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life. I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be. All people are always changing. If I try to judge them I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown to me. I too am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, If i am willing. I CAN CHANGE MYSELF, others I can only love. That always gets me. For a long time I had to read that each morning to actually get myself going. I commend you for not enabling him financially. That's probably one of the hardest things to do. I'm sure you know already, but meth addicts, lie, cheat, steal, and will eventually throw away everything that meant something to them, before they reach bottom. I hope your son's bottom is soon. Much luck,
pepepr	Re: Son's a meth addict That really makes sense - I can change myself, others I can only love. Son called around midnight and said laptop was accepted as payoff. He said he's probably going to jail at the end of the week. I asked him why he didn't want to get help - he says he doesn't trust anyone and the one person he did trust hurt him deeply (ex wife). He knows I have never lied to him and 90% of his wanting to change is for me, but it's that other 10% that keeps him where he is. Even though his friends are not who I approve of, he cares about them. So, he left me crying and said he had friends coming over to the apt and would call me later. I'm sure he got high and will sleep all day. I'll get a phone call this afternoon - the pattern continues - as do the tears.
Jamie J1979	Re: Son's a meth addict Oh my god you son sounds just like my brother!!! Do NOT fall for the manipulation-- the whole needing money to pay off a drug dealer is a common lie addict's tell to their loved one's when trying to get cash out of them. See they feel that if they say that they are more likely to get the money because the parent thinks their child could be harmed so they naturally want to prevent that from happening. They aren't giving money to the addict, it's going to pay off the dealer so they feel they should help the addict out because they don't want their child hurt and they aren't actually giving in and giving the addict money so what's the problem? The problem is it's a lie, they want the money to buy more drugs. Even if he owes a dealer money paying them off is only necessary if they want to keep getting drug from the dealer. If he really wanted to get clean he would just get into treatment and not worry about stupid drug debts. If he really owed money the dealer would take anything as payment including a laptop so don't worry about his safety. I would bet money that he wanted the money for drugs and he was lying to you in attempt to manipulate you into giving up the cash. Violence--I had to call the police the other night after my brother got violent with me. He was kicking the door and throwing things and he lunged at him, I'm 9 months pregnant! The only reason he didn't hit me this time was because my Mom was right there and gave him a look that seemed like it brought him back to reality for a split second. While I was on the phone with 911 he was trying to hang up the phone, basically preventing me from getting help. This is a crime and he will be charged. He wasn't' home when the police showed up but they are familiar with the problems we have had with him. The police have been called numerous times when he's gotten violent and broken windows and stuff. He's never hit my Mom though or even touched her. If he did he would be in jail, period. In the past he pushed me and broken things in my apartment. I called the police and he was charged with assault and I got a restraining order for a year. Once I got the restraining order he stayed away, he knew he would go to jail for awhile if he made contact. People on meth are totally unpredictable, if he gets violent again call the police. Get a restraining order if you have to. Do not belive his pathetic stories about owing dealers money, he's just trying to get money for more dope. If he does decide to get help remember that recovery is more than just quitting drugs, recovery involves meetings and support groups and often some kind of inpatient or outpatient treatment. Good luck.
kathy	Re: Son's a meth addict Pepper, So sorry! I know the feeling so well. My son is 25 and had used since 18 off and on. The hell they put us thru and also themselves is unbearable. How much can one take from the addict and believe me I took way to much. What you are doing is the right thing do not enable him. It is not easy when they look so down and out and promise they will not do it again. I took the bait so many times and thought this time he is being honest, never worked. He finally got tired of being sick and tired and going to jail, he checked himself into a rehab. This time it was his idea not ours. He is out now and doing good, we all take one day at a time. I have met some wonderful people on this board that gave me the strength and lots of prayers and with out them I don't know where I would be today. Glad you came. My prayers will be with you. Keep the Faith
pepper 4308	Re: Son's a meth addict Thanks Kathy. It really helps knowing there are people out there going thru what I'm going thru - and having positive outcomes. I know I have a long, painful road ahead of me - but I'm keeping the faith and also praying for strength and wisdom to do what's best for my son. He only gets encouraging words from me, when he's in the state of mind to hear them - unfortunately that's not very often. I'm going to keep coming back here - it's helping a lot.
Terihe	Re: Son's a meth addict I am the mother of an addicted Son too. Been through the manipulations, violence, stealing, his dealer calling and looking for him because he owes him money, and the works (not once but twice). It is true that you cannot change them, only love them. He put our family through hell. He has been in jail now for a few months for domestic violence and I revoked his bond on a theft charge which I am kicking myself in the but for posting it in the first place. This forum was a godsend for me. When I was weak and about to give in to the manipulations they all helped to give me strength. Son has done some soul searching while in jail and says this time he will be staying clean for good. I told him if he did not that he will be disowned and have no family because we cannot put ourselves through this again. It may sound cold but I truly will do this. You will learn a lot from here. Truly remarkable people here.