How do I fix the damage?

How do I recover from my meth addict?

Lexi Sunshine

How do I recover from my meth addict?

Hello, all-

My story in a nutshell: My meth/addict alcoholic is in a probation center until Nov. 27th. He was abstaining from meth before he went for several months, but drinking heavily, and now obviously not using/drinking at all. He was very verbally abusive and difficult to live with right before he went. I was relieved to have him go at first, because the stress level was decreased so much. I have visited him, and he continually writes letters. He wants to make it all right, feels bad, loves me, all that shi-t. He wants to buy me an engagement ring when he comes home for a visit. He wants to get married. Right now I have no landline phone, so we don't talk on the phone.

Ok, so I thought once he was there, I would work on me, and feel much better, right? Wrong. I feel like I don't even know who ME is anymore. I have just realized exactly how damaged I am. He was hurting me, and I thought once he was gone I would feel better about myself, but I don't. I am so insecure it isn't funny.....I have to fix this, I know. How do I get there? How can I get back to me, feeling confident, etc. I cry just as much now as I did when he was there.

And the hard part is, he can't seem to understand why now that he's being so nice, I can't trust in what he says, why I'm never happy around him. He thinks things get better overnight, I guess.

How do I recover, really?

no more
mething
around

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

I'm guessing some of this is coming from anger...at yourself for putting up with it, and at him for putting you through it.
When they're like, "Well, hey, I quit doing what I was doing, everything's cool now, right?"
" I thought this would make you happy, if I did this or if I did that"
It's normal to think, "What kind of person am I to have put up with this shyt and go back for more?"
We lose ourselves, becoming focused on THEM because hey, they're the problem, right?
Insecurity runs deep in co dependency.
Focusing on ourselves is foreign.
Have you done any reading about co dependency issues?
We spend so much time thinking, "I'll be happy when...I'll feel good when...if only things were this way"

It's exhausting loving an addict.
Sucks the life out.

How do we get to the point of breathing it back in? For you to be thinking and asking these kind of questions, I would say you are on the doorstep and not willing to be the doormat.

scaredma

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

I have found that Alanon helps me with some of these issues.

imlostinky

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

Okay - better now. God bless the person who came up with chocolate cereal. 2 birds with one stone .....

Sorry Lexi, chocolate makes everything better.
So you asked

Quote:

How do I recover, really?

As with any addict, first admit there is a problem.
You are an addict, you are as addicted to the addict in your life as much as any drug.
You have allowed for his addiction to control your life.

The difference is - where an addict to drugs/alcohol/substance will always be an addict - you on the other hand, can indeed control and have power over your addiction.

So how do you do that?
First and foremost ,Fix you.

Can you take a good long look inside of yourself, can you look back at your life at different points and see where the choices YOU made contributed to the difficulties that followed?
Can you see where you chose your "drug" with Chris?
Can you see the patterns that are in your life- your patterns?
Can you see where your choices, your patterns are causing problems in your life?
Can you see where Chris was allowed by you to treat you as he did?

If you can, that is a starting point.
Chris didn't just happen in your life Lexi. He filled a need within you-
it is up to you to determine what that "need" is- and if it is a healthy need for you.
If it isn't healthy, if it isn't a positive for you, then you need to find a positive.
That is fixing you.

True, you could not control the first time he was abusive to you- but how you handled and dealt with that first time, allowed for a second and a third and so on and so on.

You had 2 fears occurring-
One fear was the actual threat to you
the other was the fear of the unknown.

You were afraid he would hurt you - But you were more afraid of "losing" him - so you chose to allow him to hurt you rather than risk "losing" him.

That is your real danger Lexi- that is what will do the most damage to your life.
Fear of the unknown- fear of being alone versus preferring to be alone than to be abused.
That is what you have to face.

Now Lexi, you may be one who can get real, get honest, and find an answer on your own.
Or you may need counseling for yourself.
If in doubt, err for rather safe than sorry, go for counseling. It is always easier to self explore when you have someone there who can take the sting out of it- help you find a positive for all the negative you will have in this process.

I hope this helps - I know it is a long post-
and for what it is worth, Lexi, I'd delay any marriage until I knew myself. Recovery first then see if Chris still wants to rush in and marry the real Lexi.
and see if the Real Lexi wants to marry the real Chris.

How do you begin to learn to trust others?
Begin by trusting yourself.
How do you begin to love others?
Begin by loving yourself.

Just from my experience Lexi. That's all. Only because I have been there.

sillyveronica

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

Lexi - Oh how I know what you're feeling. Have you read the book I sent you? If so, read it again ... if not, READ IT!

It has some GREAT advice (I won't even attempt to top that).

Just know that you're not alone. I'm thinking about you!

imlostinky

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

T is trying really hard to take her own advice Karen.
and it is soooooooo hard .........
damn, now I want more chocolate

what book did you send Karen? I have been pouring over Life 101 here lately- I like it.

Lexi Sunshine

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

I have been reading about codependency issues, kind of, sort of, I'm not completely done with the first book, "Codependent No More".

and T, yep chocolate is the bomb, I'm highly addicted....

I do not blame Chris for the damage. I realize I have basically taught him that it is ok to treat me like he did. I'm admitting to my addiction to him. I have for quite a while. Or did I? Maybe I didn't, huh because I was still expecting that when he was gone, I would be better. Sneaky how you threw that in there...ok, so I thought I was admitting it, but yet not fully, must be. And I definitely have a pattern. If I was single right now, and were to meet a "nice" guy, I would not go there. (I would wait for the "bad boy" type to come along and he would get my heart beating.) That sucks....

I'm still thinking about the need he filled. I'm not yet quite sure what that was. When we meet, I didn't need him. So I will have to think on that one to try and figure out what point I got to be "dependent". I confuse emotions and sex with love, I think. Ha. But we do connect, deeply, on many levels.

And you hit my fears right on the head. I do have a terrible fear of the unknown. How do I cope with that? I have seen probably 10 different counselors in my whole life....maybe one or 2 actually helped, the other just listened....and the one I've tried looking up again and he's gone. He made me cry, but of all the counselors, I remember things he said the most.

Quote:
I'd delay any marriage until I knew myself. Recovery first then see if Chris still wants to rush in a marry the real Lexi.

Marriage means more to him than it does to me....healthy means more to me...marriage can be a trap.

Quote:

How do you begin to learn to trust others?
Begin by trusting yourself.
How do you begin to love others?
Begin by loving yourself.

I agree, I really really do. But how the hel-l do I do that?

My post was longer, sorry...with that I'm going to go eat some chocolate for lunch....

P.S. I was on vacation in Oklahoma...15 hour drive just my son and I, but I SAW MOUNTAINS!!!!

imlostinky

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

Wendy, AlAnon is good place to start. Journaling helps.
Making time to just spend getting to know you helps.

and remember, it is only an unknown until you do it.
Most times Wendy, what we fear most never happens.
Needless worry.
The other times, Wendy, are times we have been doing it alone -
if you are living with a drunk, if you are living with an active addict, you are living alone.
You are doing it alone.
Thinking they are there contributing to the solutions, being a companion, a partner- illusion.
The only thing they are partner with is a baggie or a bottle.

You have been doing it alone Wendy. You just haven't realized it yet.

Indiana
shedevil

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

Al Anon...

Definitely helps me out.

UCLAngel

Re: How do I recover from my meth addict?

Yep,...I second that emotion - ALANON.

It seems like one of the hardest things for a couple to deal with when the addict gets into Recovery, is the issue of rebuilding trust and repairing the damage.

Here's my take on it.....once sober, the addict often wants so badly to be able to "start with a clean slate" with their loved ones, kind of like, "POOF! Everything's going to be fine now." Often because they've been "minimizing and denying" their disease and its consequences for so long, they don't really realize yet just HOW much damage has been done, especially if their partner has managed to be able to stay with them through all of it. So the addict doesn't really fully understand why their loved ones do not trust them, and why their loved ones are still so hurt, so wary, so guarded and so damaged. Facing that takes time, repairing that takes time,...sometimes a lot of time, depending on the damage that was done, and the addict has to understand that fact. Thay cannot expect everyone to be "suddenly fine" after the kind of devastation and deceit that meth addiction involves. The addict has to go thru the Steps, get to the amends process in steps 7, 8 and 9, and make repairs to all persons they have harmed.

Meanwhile, I think the best way for a spouse of the addict, as with family and loved ones, to cope with the process,...is to work an Alanon program.

Anyway, hope some of that helped. Thanks for listening.

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