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Cheating & Infidelity....How can you forgive & forget?


boys36 Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Ok,  most of you know my story. But I have a question about infidelity.............. My hubby slept with 3 women in a 6 month period while we were separated. I was also seeing someone else during this time. My question is ...........I am having trouble forgiving and forgetting. Some days I go over and over this in my mind. I have been to counseling and I just cant seem to let it go. I don't want this to make me angry and bitter. We have been married 11 years. But we were separated .And I left him. We are not drug users but I thought maybe someone else had been through this and tell me how they got past the hurt and anger. How did you forget and go on? My marriage is worth saving but the only one I am hurting carrying all this bitterness is myself.

P.S. I don't even know if this is cheating since we were separated..........and he never brings up what I did to him. How come he has the ability to do this and I don't?
Maybe he is just stronger than me?  
     message board replies...
angie
Ncali
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
myboys- I have not gone through this in my marriage - however my husband and I back before we were married - both slept with other people - OHHHHHHH God did it hurt when I found out - and it hurt for a long time - BUT I had to be honest and real about it - I slept with someone else too ... It shouldn't matter if he slept with more then you - the number isn't important - actually by there being SO many and you seeing someone else too - I would say those women didn't mean anything to him - nothing more then sex ....

Not that it helps - but it is something to start with.

You guys are finally on a good path - what's done is done - and you were aware of it all I assume before you decided to get back together - maybe your used to the cycle ...and are looking to create a problem because there isn't one.

I don't know really - all I know is I think your only choice is to pray really hard about it everyday .....
Pray for him and those women and maybe you can release some of the resentment that is poisoning you inside.
boys36 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes we are on a good path if I don't destroy it with my anger and bitterness. He said they were nothing to him and they didn't matter. If they did I wouldn't be here right? I feel like they gave him something I never could. After 11 years I am sure I am boring to him and they were new and exciting. Why cant get this through my head? That I do matter?
angie
Ncali
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Oh My YOU do Matter. Does he matter to you. How much did the other man matter ? Was he something new ... different ... did he take your mind off your problems ...

Why are you back with your Hubby ???? Don't let these insecurities ruin what you have.

They are fooling you. TRUST ME I struggle with them some days myself.
forget
suzette
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I could forgive him.
....but I couldn't stay with him.

to me trust is a glass ball that hovers over your relationship...
...if you cheat, lie, betray, abuse...or deceive.
OR.... if you accuse an innocent person of these things.

it shatters the ball.
....you can't fix it.

trust is the greatest gift you can have, and it's so sad when you don't know it's there.

you know when it busts.

it's not fair to you to wonder if he's honest.
....it's not fair for him to be questioned constantly if he's really trying.

I'd leave...
...if you don't want to leave, try a separation.

that's just what I would do.
...good luck.

I wish you the best.
lax2 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I'll be brief... part of what he figured out by being with those other women was that, IT IS YOU whom he wants to be with. As a result of the separation, he is willing to work at making it work between you. I hope you see what I mean by this. I sometimes think I'm not being clear. Sometimes coming together after a separation can only make your commitment to each other stronger. You've seen what it was like to be w/o each other, and with others, the fact that you are together now indicates.

I guess I do know this cuz my partner moved out after 7 years. It lasted almost a year. I've never taken him for granted since then. This was 7 years ago. I think it made our commitment stronger.

As for whether it was cheating, NO IT WAS NOT. And in any case LET IT GO. He's with you know, because YOU ARE the one he loves. Period.
Hope this helps in some way.
angie
Ncali
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
DO NOT LEAVE HIM - I totally disagree with Suzette - yes trust is a wonderful gift - it is very VITAL.

but you guys already did the slipping up thing - remember how you felt when that light clicked on and you decided you DID NOT WANNA END THINGS.

Maybe talk to him about it. Tell him you understand that it is NOT fair that you feel the way you do when he is so accepting of what you have done. Tell him you don't understand why - but that your feeling very insecure and are hurting over the other women - that your head is playing tricks on you and making you think that he doesn't care about you like he says - that maybe your not enough .... be honest - with out attacking him

I do this with my husband and it alls turns out much better then when I sit around stew in my own misery and make little jabs at him because I am being eaten up inside with my own crap ....
boys36 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes Lax what you said makes perfect sense. Those are the words he spoke to me. I wont leave him not now not ever. I love him totally and unconditionally .I just want to put this in the past and forget.
angie
Ncali
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
You will never be able to forget it - but you somehow someway you have to find a way to accept it with out letting it tear you apart inside.
boys36 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
That is what I am struggling with how to let this crap go without it destroying me inside. That was my reason for this post. I cant just put it out of my mind it wont go away. But I am totally committed to making this work. He is not a cheater and if I would have never left him this would not have happened. The day I left women were crawling all over him. ( He looks like Tim McGraw) God I almost lost the man I love more than anything. I have a second chance now and I so don't want to screw it up.  
flower
child
80744
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
you have to let it go.  I have been there ..trust me and my marriage is over. the only thing worse then what your feeling right now is feeling it on speed. I obsessed over the woman he was with during or seperation..i couldn't lay on my side of the bed cuz i would visualize her in the same spot. it was awful and it went on and on till it tore us apart. and i was with someone during the separation too. all i can say is now that i am clean, and non obsessive would give anything to be able to forgive him and start over with our kids..it took me a long time to understand he could be with them and it didn't mean he didn't love me..honestly analyze how you felt about the other guy and how much it lessens your love for your husband..if it don't give him the same benefit of the doubt. the heart is a funny thing, people can come in and out of it without it affecting the love for someone already there..i never believed that before but i know its true now..keep your family together. and keep the demons at bay, thats all they are..good luck,
forget
suzette
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Angie is insane.
...she's a jerry springer girl who stays with cheating ..
ok, this is a lie!  ha ha ha! LMAO! I can't go on with it.

*hugs angie* ...just playin dude. *smiles*

HOWEVER

I am friends with everyone I ever loved.
.......I ALMOST got married to a sex addict.

the breaking point,
When I found he asked an undercover cop for a 'sexual favor',.
....I left.

I gave him my trust.
...he couldn't be trusted.

I'll be damned if I was gonna worry about what he's doing
when he's away.
I never did.
....and i wasn't going to.

that simple for me.
....I want someone who trusts me, that i can trust back.

I can be trusted not to be unfaithful
....I can trust, because I can be trusted.

why should i be accused, and be suspicious the rest of my life?

I'm happier alone.

he was the only guy I ever was with in a long relationship
that cheated.

the rest, meth destroyed.
...there are men you can trust if you are patient enough
to find one....they are scarce. 
blondie Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
HI
I also was cheated on...its the worse kind of hurt....you forgive one day at a time....and believe me it took me several years before I could do this....and it was all about the trust factor with me, I could never trust him again. We have been divorced for 8 years...
I find that I have a trust issue with other men...I am like suz, I am just better alone..
On a happier note you can work your way through this, people do it all the time...It was just not for me...I wish you all the luck..
no more
mething
around
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
I'm going through this same thing now.

Some days are better than others. I have to make a choice. What kind of day do I want to have? I might only get this one.

When I start the "infidelity videotape" in my head, I think of him gone, an accident on the way home. May sound weird to some, but that's how I remind myself to appreciate and accept. To imagine myself without it.

So far, I still want him around.

Fact is, he's "courting" me again. What is your husband doing to help you heal, so that in turn he can heal, too?

Hilary Clinton, the queen of forgiveness , said she and Bill started a conversation in the 70's. They aren't finished talking. I like that.

I also have been speaking with 2 close friends, male and female who have been through this. They both have 20+ years in marriage and they are great couples. A real example that it can be done.

I hope this helps. If I hadn't had support and church and wise mind thinking, I would have LOST my mind.

Consider checking out some romantic stuff. Start a new fire in your intimacy. Kick those other people out of your head, out of your bedroom, and straight out the house. I'm not thinking about what he did when I'm concentrating on trying new lotions and flavors. Know what I mean ? 

You guys are starting over. So, start over and give 'em hell.

Forgiveness isn't forgetting, it's remembering with peace of mind.

imlost
inky
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Myboys, you had filed for divorce. In his mind, your marriage was over - just as it was for you.
You weren't there- you were not in the bed- so really is it even cheating?
To me, cheating is taking from the marriage.
You at that time had no marriage to take from.
Nice to think if I leave, hubby will sit home alone and pine for me, weep and wail, holler my name.
Reality is- my husband doesn't do alone real well.
Reality is- if and when we divorce, it will not be any time at all before my replacement is in the bed.

If we are separated , filing for divorce- I expect it. I count on it.
and no to me it isn't cheating because there is no marriage to be unfaithful to.
paul4fun Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
myboys I'm so happy your back with your husband.... why don't u right it down on a piece of paper.... burn it and let it go and keep on living.... your worth it... love yah...
boys36 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes we were separated when this happened. And that is where it gets confusing to me. We were still legally married. So in my mind we both did wrong in sleeping with other people. But then again we were apart too. He was the one that filed on me. But I was gone about 2 months before he files and he tried calling me daily and begging me back. I was not going to come back until something changed. That is why we went to counseling cause we knew that what we were doing wasn't working. So while we were apart and see what we mean to each other now we did a lot of damage too. I agree with no more mething around each day we are together I have a choice about how my day will be. I have the power to decide. But saying this and doing it are two different things. MY heart is right where it needs to be but I will be damned if I can get my head to forget. It is like a tape playing over and over. Some days worse than others. But in reality they may have had him for a night but I have had him 11 years. For that I am thankful.
myboys
P.S. They are here in the town we live in and I think I am a little insecure about him running into them again. We live in a small town. Maybe that's my fear...... gosh I just don't know.
no more
mething
around
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
Yes, the infidelity videotape I keep playing in my mind is like the little fly I can't seem to get rid of.

That's all it is now, it isn't a crash of overwhelming emotions and I'm quickly able to dismiss them.

The serenity prayer...."accept the things I cannot change"....ACCEPT .

You will have to find the thoughts that calm your mind. You will have to stay out of your head a lot. I had to FORCE myself not to think about it. Does that make sense?

I spent time on an infidelity website. A very small amount of time ( really kept me pissed, had to let it go ) but enough to see how bad OTHER women and men were suffering, and it made me see my situation for what it was.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you will have to find the thoughts that calm your mind. I have an heirloom that broke and he glued it all back together for me. It was symbolic to me. I keep it in plain sight.

I think you're getting stuck and when I got stuck, it happened to be time to make our travel plans for a family reunion out of state. I found us planning a FUTURE event together really helped ! Is it possible for a little get away to happen?

Go have some FUN together.

Keep looking out the windshield, not the rear view mirror !! You can do it !!! I used to be the angriest, most bitter @#%$ walking ( I've mellowed with age ) so if I can get a handle on this, you can, too. LOL

Men run for a piece of tail when they hurt. women run to a shoulder. That's just how it is. Honestly, don't give it any credit. I feel the same way you do....that girl may have had his dumbstick a few times, but his heart has always been mine, even when he disrespected me.

We can DO THIS !!! We have 11 and 10 years with these men. I believe in my marriage and I think you believe in yours. Let's fight for 'em ! Which requires getting a little DIRTY !

Have a great day, babe !
boys36 Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
And hey by the way my name is Alisa. Very similar to yours. How long ago was it that your man cheated? How long did it take to get to this place of peace in your heart? Months? Weeks? And yes my marriage is worth fighting for and I am going to fight like hell. He says the one thing that would never happen is that I would lose him to another woman and knowing him I know its the truth. Seems that the only battle I have is the one going on inside my own head. But my fear is that the attraction was there once( he was drinking a lot each time he slept with these women and met them in a bar) and I feel if he can feel that attracted to another women he could feel it again. Just crazy thoughts I am thinking..... thoughts that are negative and have no place in my marriage. Him being willing to go to counseling should have told me something .....but sometimes my brain just don't get it.
angie
Ncali
Re: Cheating & Infidelity: How can you forgive & forget?
But what about YOU. You did it too ? I don't understand really how your putting it all on him - why is it that he is so much worse or that his feelings now because of what has happened seem so much less significant or true - then yours. Why is it that you could sleep with another man ... and then decide you love your husband and are sure it will never happen again But he is not able to do the same thing and have you believe him as you probably expect him to believe you. ? ? ?

Suzette - Your Funny. I really am not okay with cheating - but they both did it- they were separated and she choose to go back and rebuild after all was said and done. He didn't sneak around and poke someone while hiding it from her - they were both guilty.

See also:

Hypersexuality - Did meth cause you to cheat on your spouse?

Can an addict have a relationship and not be sexual?

Is Love Dead with my husband?


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