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Is Love Dead with my husband?


jenu13 Is love dead?

Husband has been clean from meth since 6/15. Before that, he was clean for 2 months. We have been going to marriage counseling and he has agreed to see a therapist.

Here is my delima... He is doing well, but I do not know if I can get over all that he has done to me... I almost feel guilty that I can not totally forgive him. Why? I am trying. Marriage counselor and such. But, the trust is dead. The respect I had for him is surely dead. And, I really don't know if I love him anymore. The lack of loving feelings for him has been going on since way before I found out about the meth use. The way that I can describe my indifference for him is when I go to buy him a birthday card or anniversary card, I read the cards and cannot identify with the "loving" ones. Know what I mean? Even to simply say "I love you" seems so fake. I really feel bad about it. Can anyone identify?

My point is that even if he does recover and all, I'm not sure if I want to be with him. And that makes me feel guilty.

     Replies...
amanda
brook
Re: Is love dead?

Oh my gosh. I totally relate. My husband has lied to me so many times that I don't think I will able to fully trust him again no matter what. We have been married for almost 8 years. I feel like I've worked so hard at trying to make our marriage work. I guess that's what makes it hard for me to give up, but at the same time I think that things will never be the way they should again. When someone treats you bad, and especially since the drugs have been involved, it's been hard for me to be "in love" with him like I was before. And the past year has been really bad. This might sound weird, but with me it's like I keep saying "Next time will be it. I am leaving if you ever do this again" (Referring to meth or lying or whatever..) But then I give him another chance and think, well the next time I will leave. Well I've done this continously for a year and have went nowhere. There's something holding me back. I mean, I do love him, but I'm definitely not "in love" with him like I was when we got married. The passion is not there, and I know that it's because of him and the drugs and the lies. I just don't know how to let go. I guess I'm scared of the change. A friend told me that I was just comfortable where I'm at. I guess they may be right. But I don't know if I can ever feel about him the way I did before. It's really hard to forgive and forget. Although the past few weeks he's made an effort to act better, I still don't trust him. How can I trust him? But then I think, well if I leave will I be able to go on with my life and not wonder "What if?" "Did I give up too soon?" It's so confusing and I just get so depressed. It's like I don't even have any energy left. It shouldn't be this hard you know?

jenu13 Re: Is love dead?

You sound exactly like me. Listen to how sick this is... I sometimes wish that he would use again, so I would have my answer. How sick is that? But, then I might be just like you and still give another chance. I really don't think I would at this point, but who knows... I think I am just like you and do not want to regret my decision to leave, so I am trying everything... the counselor and all. But, the truth is that we will never KNOW the right answer. We just need to decide and stick with that decision and not play "what-if's". Easier said than done. I also catch myself being mean to him and making comments and I know that is not good for him and I am not that kind of a person. I do not like myself anymore. Such a vicious cycle...

hurt4sis
 
Re: Is love dead?

Jenu13 - I completely understand the question can you trust again? In my case its not a husband, but a sister, but she has lied so many times before how will I ever trust what comes out the mouth because it has all been lies for so long. As far as the marriage goes you committed for life in sickness and in health. Give him at least a year of health - help him follow the advice given on this website and others concerning recovery. Fill his days with activity and new experiences. Look at it like you are beginning dating again but you can't end this first date for a year. Give your feelings to God and ask Him to re-spark your love for this new creation, your husband, because if he really doesn't use again he will be a new man. And if you want him to be honest with you in a loving way you must do the same for him. If he does't know how will he even try to spark your interest. Remember he needs new tasks apart from his former "life" why not let one of those new tasks be to create fun dates and romantic activities to win your love back. But he also needs to know that he will have your committment to him as he faces the impending depression and soul searching. I will be praying for you -

Just Ol Ma Re: Is love dead?

One reply has the phrase 'never be the same, the way it should be'.

Think about that for a minute. No matter how grand it was, how wonderful, there was something wrong with the 'the same, the way it should be'. That was BEFORE meth. Before. Something in that time allowed meth in...something inside him or her...that wasn't the way either of you believed it was.

When you are married for several years, you may know that it takes work to keep it going, but! you also both have a tendency to assume far too many things.

When meth has entered the picture, love, trust, faith, hope and certainly romance all take a beating. A terrible beating.

Love it is up to both of you to heal that breach...romance helps. The addicted one almost needs to begin the courtship rituals over from the beginning, a first date so to speak. The nonuser has to give it a chance...just like the first time.

Trust has to be re-earned. Since trust broken can not be mended, new trust has to be established. Attempting to mend broken trust is bound for failure.
Both parties have to decide how to earn trust from each other...the best part is there is still a small platform to build on...a platform that no matter how abused trust was that never totally fades away into nothingness.

Faith. This is the hardest one kids. Faith that together you are greater than singly. That together there are still goals to be met.

Hope. We never give it up, but it gets smaller and smaller, the addiction of our loved one chipping away at it bit by bit...if our hope is so worn, how much more must have the addicteds hope been? Our hope is what kept theirs alive.

Try this once see what you discover. Imagine a world inwhich your addict does not exist. Imagine a world without the addiction. Which one makes you feel warmer? Now imagine a world inwhich your addict is successful in recovery and you both have learned to love again. What world do you want to live in?

It's your world, you decide.

Romance kids...love needs romance to heal and grow.

bg75 Re: Is love dead?

jenu13,
I am trying to put this in the right words.... Here goes, From what I have learned, it's time to make YOU HAPPY!
Are you going to alanon meetings?
In my opinion, just because you have been through the ringer with him, doen't make you now entitled to love him. I am sure you have learned at this point, nothing is the end of the world!
jenu13, you need some peace with your self now. You deserve it!
I am the recovering addict who has earned nothing but mistrust from my hubbie.(my baby's daddy,but for stories sake, we've been together for 5 years... may as well be my husnband).
I am on the other side often wondering how in the hell he could love me?!
I learned I need to work MY program, and his opinion is really none of my business right now....
So go work YOUR program babe, soon you will know the next right thing for yourself!
I will pray for you.

panka1 Re: Is love dead?

Don't feel guilty for the feelings he has caused you to have because of his addiction. You have to take whatever time necessary to heal for yourself. Wheteher you will be able to him love & trust him again will come in time. Just don't rush it, the damage done over such a long period of time will not be fixed quickly. Don't have expectations of what your feeling were, should or could be. Through healing they will just be. Once you have healed you will know whether it can be or not.

And as far as the card thing, yes I do that. My problem is not w/the "I Love You" parts though. Its with the parts that say how he's always been there for me, how wonderful, honest & caring he is...thanks for the strength, the love, the happiness etc.. etc..
And unfortunately most of the birthday/anniversary cards for husbands have at least some of this stuff in them. For me it always seems hard to find one that just expresses my love for him w/out praising the person he is. And the rest of them just make me tear up because I should feel that strength, love, honesty & security & don't. Maybe it will come.

I don't know how long it will take if ever to be able to completely trust my hubby again. I want to so badly but like I told him the damage is done & the wound will take time to heal. Once it has healed the degree of the scar will determine whether I will be able to trust him again.

Best of luck to all of you.

jenga Re: Is love dead?

I've been looking for someone for a long time that could possible relate to the things I go through as the wife of the addict. If your up to it I'd like to talk with you more and share my experiences but I won't start now b/c the last 7 years would just be to long I will say he last used on 07/07/05 crack not meth this time he had been off crack for about two years but traded for the other devid drug ice...anyhow my story in long sad and often I feel very alone.

rowen1 Re: Is love dead?

I know that the addicts spouse or the person who is closest to them often becomes just as sick as the addict. It is sooo important for you to get help as well. He is not a bad person trying to get good, he is a sick person trying to get well. Alanon has done wonders for people in your situation. Even if he does not stay sober this program will offer more than you could imagine at the moment. Take care of yourself


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Husband / Boyfriend Use of Meth Topics


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