Helpful steps in my meth recovery

Step One
I thought it would be nice to start a thread and work the steps on this forum. I'd like to start the new year working the steps with what has become a significant part of my recovery. These steps have saved me. I was very skeptical about them at first. I have worked them numerous times. Each time I work them I learn more about myself, my dis-ease, and the solution.
I would like addicts, co-dependants, and family s who are here looking for answers to participate. In other word I invite everyone here to comment, and ask questions . It will be a great learning experience for all of us.

Step One
We admitted we were powerless over Meth (or addiction of your choice)
- that our lives had become unmanageable.

The word powerless meant I had lost control. This was very difficult for me to admit. I had spent 20 years "managing" my addictions. I would slow down, set rules that I couldnt cross.(when I did I wouldnt admit it) I look back now, and realize I wasnt managing it at all. It managed me from the beginning. It determined who I could be friends with. How educated I became.(I was capable of taking my education alot further than I did) It chose my career as a result of not having a better education.

That was my false sense of power over my addictions.

I used the fact that I go to work everyday. I dont have to steal.(when I was a teenager I did steal to support my habits) I excelled at my job. I couldnt have a problem. I learned that I created an illusion of functionality.

My functionality was ending. I was very close to losing my job. I had quit going to work everyday, and I didnt care if I lived or died. It took along time for this to happen. I heard the term progressive illness. I see how true that is for me.

I hear it progresses as we stay clean and sober. When we decide to pick up again, we are right where we left off, or worse. I hope I never have to test that theory. I have seen others buried who try. I thank them for taking the test for me. I hope they are at peace.

I listen to the people who lived share about how miserable it was. How fast it happened. What they quit doing when it happened. They share how difficult their pride and ego made it for them to come back. I watch many struggle with their loss of time. Their dis-ease makes it very hard for them to re-focus. I know that would be me if I was to try it again. I see my powerlessness, and own it today.

My life was unmanageable. I was about to lose everything. Today as a result of 1088 consecutive clean and sober days in a row, I can manage my life again. I'm living on borrowed time. Logically I should be dead. I put enough meth into my body to kill me on numerous occasions.

Today I do the next right thing, and the results have been more than I ever imagined. This year huge things are going to happen for me, because I show up every day, and do the next right thing. I deserve a nice life, and I am managing it to be that way. I dont ever want to give that up.

Step one means I surrender. I dont have to try and make this existance work for me any more.

How do I know I surrendered?

I became willing to follow suggestions. I did what others in recovery said helped them. I lowered my ego enough to realize that I wasnt better than those low-lifes who go to meetings. I became a winner willing to ingore statistics, and choose life. I committed to being willing to go to any lengths for my recovery, just as I was to stay addicted.

I looked at the possibility I could trade one addiction for another. I can see clearly from my past that I did.

I stayed away from slippery places, and people. I reached out for help when I needed it, even though my ego said that was a sign of weakness. I became humble enough to listen to similarities, not the differences.

Surrender meant I accepted the truth. I quit denying the fact that my party ended long ago, because parties are supposed to be fun.

Today I can use step one to reming me I'm powerless over people places and things. I cant change you, or a place or thing that isnt mine. I can change how I respond to things I cannot change. I try to repond instead of react.(sometimes I still react) Its progress not perfection.

Thats all I have for now. Please share your thoughts, and your experiences. Thanks

My life was unmanageable and out of control.
CODA Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over others-that our lives had become unmanageable.

My husband was spending time with people that I didn't know and wouldn't care to know. He started staying out overnight. The lies were often and obvious. I had panic attacks and thought I was dying. At some point, I had bouts of violence. I never harmed anyone physically, nor wanted to, but I knew that I could be headed that way.

I learned about meth, learned to understand and accept. I talked to users and non-users, and was able to accept more. Still, this, anger, was intense.

I learned about all the things I've mentioned before, I have a drawer full of info. I found a therapist after several weeks of searching, way before I realized my anger problem, a therapist who met every qualification that I though I may need. Still, the anger worsened.

I took on an anger management program and a parenting program. As far as the parenting program, I figured that while I was at it, I may as well correct some of the wrongs I've been doing with my daughter.

My life is now under control, my control. I have learned to think things through, write them out, evaluate, and make fact-based decisions. Everything in my life right now is that way because that is how I chose it to be, and I don't have to doubt my decisions.

I have printed out your post and plan on giving it to Josh at the right time. I hope you know how much you have helped me with my meth-using son. I have made him a folder and already have some of your earlier posts in it and will add this as well. Every time I have contacted you you have responded and I can tell you are a, tell it like it is person with a determined spirit connected to a caring heart that wants to help others.

How do I know that? I read every post you send to others and me and I know when I see the real thing. Actually, I have found a lot of real people on this Board and have communicated with most of them.

You and others responded to my daughter’s (jsis-Becky) first post and helped her. That alone made you and the others my friends for life.

As for your Step One post, I have been reading some NA books that Penelope recommended which are great. I think your post should be added to the book section that is called Personal Stories. The personal stories in the book are really helpful but yours is special to me because I feel like I know you. If my meth-using son follows in your footsteps I am confident that he will recover.

In your post you were honest, informative and humble. To me that is an admirable combination. You stated in your post “ I deserve a nice life, and I am managing it to be that way.” That is not bragging, that is statement that comes from a person who is getting stronger. How do I know that? Well on January 9, 2005 you will have 3 YEARS CLEAN! That accomplishment comes from a man that walks the walk and speaks for itself. JASON YOU ARE A WINNER!

Hey Fly! Great Idea!
Why havent we been doing this? Does'nt matter, we are now!
Alrighty then, I guess we're starting out with that powerless over our addiction thing. Unmanageable? like duh!
I bucked that powerless part for a long time, if I was powerless how could I possibly overcome this insane addiction? Well as time wore on I began to realize my "power" was no more than a facade built aroud foolish pride and a twisted ego. Not much real or tangible to be found in terms of power. My best thinking seemed to be getting me nowhere other than back knocking on the dealers door, begging someone for meth, the same person I had begged to never sell to me again. My "power" at work again.
My sponsor kept telling me to just quit thinking, he'd tell me " you're not going to out think this", he was absolutely right. But being the addict who was different, the one who had it "together", I had to keep doing it my way, one miserable relapse after another...... Dumb stubborn.
It took hitting my bottom to finally see that I had no power at all, nil. Power doesnt mean 13 mo. land payments behind, it does'nt mean girlfriend down the road with a shattered heart and emotions, power and phone shut off at sporadic intervals, forclosure 6 weeks in progress, fridge empty or rotting, laundry in piles, 9 of 10 vehicles in the yard that wont start or run, friends and family tormented and shocked by MY actions, on & on...
Yeah, I had power and things we're managed alright.
I remind myself of the Wizard of Oz, running the facade of smoke & fire, big talk and authority, bells and whistles, all knowing and mighty, all bullshit! Dat be me.
Once I figured that out, moving on to the next steps became possible. Step 1 is tough as we try to look around who we think we are, as we look inside.

Thanks Fly for inspiring this 12 step thread, now we're talkin'!

Thank you. I so needed to hear those words today. Have a wonderful day and know you helped.

OK - for starters, Flyfisher - c'mere and lemme give ya a big smooch. I really like this idea!!

Powerlessness. For me, admitting that I was powerless over my drug use meant that I never had to use again... odd concept eh?

I tried to control my drug use for 26 years, and for most of those years I thought I WAS in control. I was not. Drugs were controlling me - drugs (And yes, especially meth,) told me where I would work, who I would associate with, how I would spend my money. I had no power over my drug use. When I finally started working the steps, my powerlessness became painfully apparent to me - I could not just use "A little bit" or "Once in a while." Every time I picked up, I was on roll - I could not stop until I ran out of drugs, money, or until I became too exhausted to go on. By admitting mt powerlessness over my drug use, I realized that I could not use drugs in any form or in any amount, because once I got started I was not able to stop. By admitting that to myself, I realized that not using AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT, was the only option I had.

My life WAS unmanagemable. The drug dictated to me how my life would be. I was arrested (Possession,) I was being evicted (Never paid my rent on time,) and was "Laid off" less than a month after my arrest - the employer laid off a lot of people at that time, but I am SURE that I made the layoff list because of the arrest. My car was not registered, I couldn't get any decent job (The good employers all drug test before they hire you,) my husband and I were separated, I lied to people to get money or food or get my bills paid, and I felt suicidal often. I can't even say my "Life" was unmanageable - I didn't have a life. My "existance" was unmanageable for sure. And get this - everything I just described only includes the 6 months of my life before I started NA - multiply that by the other 25 1/2 years I used drugs and see how unmanagable my life has been.

By being honest, open minded, and by being willing to try another way, Step one helped me to take an honest look at what drugs had REALLY done to my life, and the true nature of how my addiction was affecting me.

I admit my powerlessness over drugs EVERY DAY, every morning. I can't forget that. By admitting I am powerless over drugs, I never forget that I can not use drugs today, no matter what.

0k here I go with a program right. It is online but a program. I have no car to get to a meeting so here I go.

Powerless means I have almost lost everything and at times I did.

At the time I thought I had control. Boy was I ever wrong. I lost my family, friends and myself.

I am not the same as I was before I got on meth.

I am trying to find the person I was but no go right now. I often wonder if that person is even still inside of me?
So I have become powerless over this drug. It has stolen EVERYTHING from me.

I have given all my power to God. I can not do it on my oewn. So may be God can help.

Hey look I am writing in paragraghs for once. Yeah go me.

I guess what I am saying is HELP. I am getting the urge to use again. Feel uselesss and worthless. Like i said in an earlier post about my clean time 841 if I would have never relasped, but only 51 because I had.

C'mon addicts, this first step is ESSENTIAL! 12 simple steps to freedom.

Okay. I'm still learning about these steps. I sort of feel bad for posting on this thread after using twice today.

I am COMPLETELY powerless. I can't go 15 minutes in a day without thinking about it in some way or another. When I try to picture myself as a non-user, it confuses me, scares me, I don't have any idea how I will go the rest of my life without it. I am addicted to crystal meth.

(Was that how it is supposed to go? I've only heard second-hand about the meetings.)

Thanks for sharing everyone!

Tnskye,

I appreciate your share. I started seeing a therapist early in my recovery. She helped me tremendously. I will share more about this in the 4th and 5th step.

I admire you for choosing to live for yourself. I know that its not easy.

SDMJose,
You have helped me more than you realize. You are an awesome dad! You are the example I want to be.

Jan 9th is the day I called the program. I used that day. Jan 10th is the first day I didnt put any mind altering substance into my body. Thanks for cheering for me! It means alot

Danimal and Penelope. I see alot of me in your shares. I appreciate you. I love seeing other addicts getting this. We have strength in numbers. Both of you have helped me, and I appreciate it.

Texas Tigger

Your right, this is program. Work it any way you can get it. There are people in Alaska who only have books to read, and they stay clean and sober.

Whenever I feel the urge to use, I play the tape all the way through. It definately show my powerlessness. Re that if your last relapse was worth it, youd still be using. You wouldnt have found it necessary to come here. Youve worked a program that has kept you clean for 51 days.

Working these steps with us will give you strength. It will help you see that your not really useless, or worthless.

Im glad your here.

Catest.

You are welcome to post here. Working the steps will help you. You admitted you were completly powerless. Thats a great start. Now look at how much you have to risk. Your risking everything. Thats unmanagability in progress.

When you take the time off to crash. Re this thread. Come read everything you've posted here and the rest of the forum. You want to get out before it gets you. These steps will help you.

Thanks again Fly for gettin' the ball rollin'! This board is lookin' good! What a community bond we're forming! I'm new at the internet and had no idea how much love and human emotion flows through a computer, where have I been?[never mind]. Thanks to all who've jumped in on this "step" thing, ya know collectvely we are much better able to understand the steps that seem to scare a lot of us, our freedom from addiction is rooted in the principals we come to know as our saving graces.
And Catest, cool the uncertainty about where you fit in here, just because you are using does NOT mean you're out of pocket anywhere here, OK. Ya know this is where you BELONG. This is a PROCESS, these are your steps as much as anyones, so dont be holdin' out on us in uncertainty. Be sure!
Tigger your day has been one to write home about! BIG STEPS goin' on in your world Sister. You're like LEAPIN'!
Re, these steps are guidelines, they are yours to behold as you will. We all have a little different spin on them and through sharing our own thoughts we always seem to weave a common thread, or oneness. Never feel less than equal! Funny how as we come together in fellowship with each other, we find ourselves re-connected with the source of our being, through the eyes and hearts of each other.

The principle that step one teaches is acceptance.

We surrender. We accept defeat. We dont have to try and make this work for us any longer. We surrender to win.

Failure is not final. It is a stepping stone to success.

It is in our acceptance of being powerless over meth(any addiction)we can build a foundation of recovery.

I have had to work step one numerous times. Especially in my first year.

My sponsor would give me first step excersizes:

Journal about what would happen if you were to use again.

Make a list of all the different ways you tried to manage it, and failed.

This step allowed me to realize that my old ideas were wrong, and opened my mind to the possibilities of step two.....

I'm going to start a step two thread, but that doesnt mean that this one has to end.

It would be nice to see some other people who frequent this forum give us their insight too.

Flyf1sh3r,

I think this is a fantastic idea.I have read all your posts and printed out many of them,along with many posts from danimal,Ma, Penelope,Savannah and many others.Like Jose,I too have made several folders which I have given to my son who is addicted to meth as well as to several family s to help them understand what my son is going through. I use the twelve steps to help me to grow and to work through my own issues. I also find them a huge help,especially step one, to help me re that I too am powerless to control my son, reing this helps me to just love him and not try to force my will upon him. Even those who may not be fighting addictions can benefit and grow by working the twelve steps. I look forward to going through the steps and opening myself up to the experience with all of you.

I think it is great that you are putting the steps on the board, I have never done them in all the years I have been in recovery. I know I should get a sponser, but due to drmatic things that have happend I can't. And I swear to God if one more person tells me to I am going to scream. I do not trust anyone so I have to work on that first. So anyways I am glad the steps are here on the board. I wasn't able to read your story, rather desciption of how you took each step. For some reason I can't read any posts lately. So please no one be offended. I think it just hurts too much and I have no advice to offer. Thank you again for putting up the steps.

I am trying these things. I have actually started a journal.

I am adding these pages to it.

Got these fromJason's post.
Hope you do not mind Jason.

Journal about what would happen if you were to use again.

Make a list of all the different ways you tried to manage it, and failed.

I have trust issues. My life has been very traumatic.

I learned that I can set boundaries. I dont have to invest everything right away. I can test these people before I trust them 100%

If you were to try to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, I believe you will find someone you trust enough to be your sponsor.

Please read our shares. It will show you that we all had issues that prevented us from trusting these steps, the people in recovery, and everything else recovery related.

Im glad your using the tools I posted. They worked great for me.

I've been on and off meth for a year now. Longest I been without was 2 months. Dont know why I started again. Well, ya, I do know why. Cause Im powerless over the crap. Ya. Always will be. It sucks.

I been clean now for3 days in a row. Cant sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours straigt. I feel dead. Nice to meet you.

your "steps" are going to Donovan (California Dept.Correction)

Dang it here I am Back at with with a new sponsor. Firedthe old one. Guess I decided to soon. She did not have a phone tonight when I needed to callher. Called someone else from the group instead. i GUESS i NEED IT 1 - 3 ALL AT ONCE THAT should be easy. I hope.

hi, I'm an addict.

I did the steps, been clean for 5 months.

great to be here.

First Step Prayer


Dear Lord
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit my life is unmanageable, when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand the true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of my addiction.


Today,
I ask for help with my addiction.
Denial has kept me from seeing how poweless I am and how my life is unmanageable.
I need to learn & re that I have a incurable illness & that abstinence is the only way to deal with it.
Amen

Hi Sister, Glad you found us. I'd like to steer you to Sfj site for the does and donts along with volumes of other info. mamasite.net is another very informative site. A lot of answers at these two sites. And of course we're here for you any way we can be. There is a delicate balance when you're caught up in a mess like this, "what to do"?
Sounds like the "intervention" had limited results. I think its best to intervene with professional help, maybe another try w/help.?? If left to quit by her terms she may never do it, and of course shes fine if this is'nt brought up, her precious addiction is'nt threatened, those are her terms.
I'll tell you first hand, this drug takes a grip on us that words cant hardly describe, and casts a spell that produces un-explainable actions. A meth addict lives in a state of illusion and anything posing a threat to the addiction is rebuked or avoided. Not using is unthinkable. Be careful.
There's a lot you can do, for yourself as well, your sanity is of equal importance. Stick around, there is a wealth of information and support for you here. Questions are good!