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Should I get my husband out of jail?


   My husband has been in jail (non-drug related charges) for the past week. (although he was under the influence when he committed the offense)
   I declined to bail him out, he had a court date on Tuesday, his next court date is June 23. I went to see him tonight (to show him some kind of support). He asked me to bail him out again, he said that he would have a better chance of getting his charges taken care of if he was out and could get a job etc... I again told him that I would not post bail. Of course he got angry and told me that if I did not "help" him now, not to bother coming around for visits.
   O.k. This is where my head and heart are at, I don't want to be responsible for him by bailing him out. At least there I know he won't be able to use. I know it must really suck to be in jail but mabey by spending some time there it will motivate some permenant life changes. I am pretty sure that he will be doing some time for the offense he is charged with anyway. (felony larceny and he had warrents for failure to appears for traffic violations)
   He accuses me of doing this to be vendictive for all of the things he has done. I can see how he might think that but I honestly am not doing this to be hateful or get back at him. I am hoping that this will help him in some way.
   I feel that I am doing the right thing, I just need your opinions or thoughts. I have made so many decisions that I thought were helpful and they were really only making matters worse. I guess I just want some non-emotional voices of reason to help talk me through this and do ultimately the most "helpful" thing for him. Thanks
--Gina


Replies

bugs -
   Gina~~You asked for opinions, so I'll give mine... although I'm not very popular around these parts, and some think I'm mean and rude, so I guess what I'm saying is enter at your own risk:
   You say he is under the influence...you mean meth, right? Has he ever been honest or trustworthy in the past? If not, then he is probably not likely to be so now.
   Has he been able to hold a job in the past? If not, then what is to change things now?
   As far as a public defender goes, he can have contact with him/her while he is in jail.
   If he says not to come around unless you are going to help him...that's o.k., you probably don't need the headache anyhow. When he gets needy, he will come crying to mama (you!).
   It's all a game...a game of manipulation. Whatever works! He will try EVERYTHING in the book. Stay strong. When he finds out he can't wear you down, he will try someone else.
   You are really doing excellent with your boundaries...I'm very proud of you, Gina...good job!
   BTW...what did he steal?hugs ~~bugsie

3toomany -
   You are doing the right thing. I bailed my boyfriend out twice. I let him sit it out the third time and guess what????? He has 81 days clean today. in the past, he would always say that jail only makes things worse and does nothing but degrade a man and lowers one's self-esteem (due to the treatment they receive while in jail) ...but this time he said "thank you" to the jailer when he was set free - "I needed to be here."

stn -
   You are absolutely right! You love him in a way he doesn't understand. Of course he is trying to make you feel responsible and turning it around on you. He is angry, stay strong you have done the most loving thing for your husband. Hopefully one day he will thank you.

S -
   Bail him out after he's had time to fully detox, but on the understanding that you will be giving him daily drug tests. Tell him that you will have the bondsman revoke his bond if he refuses the tests, or if he fails the tests. He probably won't be capable of taking a job without the meth...don't hold that against him. It will take him a while to start to recover. If he fails his tests, don't wuss out - revoke the bond.

Angie in Cali -
   You are doing the right thing ....NEVER doubt yourself because of something an addict tries to manipulate you with ...You have the upper hand here ... An addict until they have been clean for awhile ... and are living a normal life and even then sometimes .... are thinking in a very Manipulative way .... they are always trying to get back to the drug ... whether (and most times they don't) realize it or not…
   Unless he is there for an accidental murder or something quite that serious ... then Do not get him out ...... if he really didn't want to be there then he should think about getting clean and not doing things that would put him in jail ....
   And trust me I have been to jail Many times ... and yes it sucks ...But it's NO WHERE NEAR AS BAD as we try to make you think
   I am sure he has made you very angry and hurt over his using probably more times then you can count…and yet your still there for him .... For him to now top it off by telling you not to come visit him in jail ... because you aren't willing to help make this mess he got himself into a easier for him to deal with,....THAT REALLY MAKES ME MAD ....... But that's a good example of how damn selfish we are ...

Lorrie -
   You are totally doing the right thing. He may not realize that right now but maybe one day he will. Sometimes by not helping them we are actually helping them. Take care and good luck!

Angie -
   Jail is no rehabilitation that's for sure ...But the point of letting him deal with this on his own is that .... Bailing him out would just be making it easier for him to continue doing what it is he's been doing .... cuz the consequences aren't there ..... he should have thought about all this before he got involved in what got him put in jail in the first place .... and this comes from someone who's been to jail several several times

Gina -
   Thanks to all of you for your opinions.
   After I posted the message last night, I felt a little more clear and stronger about not bailing my husband out.
   After I read all of your responses I felt even more clear and strong.
   He's only been in there for a week and a day. I'm not sure what kind of jail time he is facing for his charge, (felony larceny) but even it's not like he will be doing years and years.
   I feel like God is doing for him, what he has been unable to do for himself. (sit still and stay in a controlled environment for more than three weeks at a time)
   Thanks for being there all!!!!!!


See also:

What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Wisdom for a meth addict facing prison

What happens to child support payments when the meth addict is in jail or gets out?


Back to Crystal Meth & Methamphetamine Questions, Answers & Advice


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