What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

paceset

Please, if ya'll have more wisdom for me, I'd love to hear. I don't have the time to start with a counselor other than some of his family and a friend and attorney. I'm in crisis and I haven't told my family yet or my friends or neighbors and I'm depending on a few of his addict friends (the more functioning ones) to help sort through this mess. I'm feeling so alone. I'm dealing with about a million things-I don't use meth-no drugs in 20 years accept alcohol-I was in the programs and have been to Alanon in the past and I know a lot of the talk and realities of addiction but this is about ME now and I don't quite know what to do with one thing, let alone the million people and problems I have to deal with. I don't know how to visit in jail but I'm going to today. I don't know how to say NO and deal with his anger, evil meth withdrawals and manipulations without being crushed, I don't know how to even get the laundry done for my sons and fend off the neighbors and invitations. I was not prepared to be the leftover mess from a meth casualty.

Thank you-I need you

Wounded
Sparrow

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Bless your heart, hon. I have been in a similar situation, but not exactly the same.

My husband has been in jail, but I didn't go to see him. He was there partly because of charges I had brought against him because he violated an order of protection.

I should probably back up a little so it'll make sense. I left my husband in April - took the kids and left him a note. That was the only way I felt safe because I knew from past experience that this was the one thing that WOULD make him physically violent.

The only way I was able to stay strong against the manipulations and anger of my husband was to stay away from him totally. I didn't so much as talk to him on the phone, except for 2 times when I absolutely had to because it involved the kids, for 2 months. The only way I was able to stay strong and not talk to him or see him was with the help and support of family and friends. I mean support as in having someone else talk to him and tell him to stop calling me. Having someone else remind me of his manipulative ways, someone to encourage me, someone to hug me, someone to just take over when things were overwhelming. If I had not had that support, I'd have buckled under the pressure.

You said you haven't told family and friends yet. I did the same thing the first time - that was a year ago. I tried to do it all on my own. Things seemed to be going better, he seemed to be ready to change, and I caved. A year later I was right back in the same situation, only worse.

I can't tell you what will work for you...I can only tell you what worked for me. I had to gather together an army to help me through it. I had to tell people what was going on. In doing so, I not only got other people to strengthen me, I also strengthened myself. In telling my story, it reminded me of the realities. It helped me to stay strong in the face of his manipulation and anger.

Good luck, hon, and I'll be praying for you. Stay strong - cling to what you know is real...don't let him sway you from that.

God bless,
~ws

Rachelsue76

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

In response to your question. Thank God. While he is in jail, it is one more day that he is not using.

While he is in jail, you have the chance to focus on you. To do some of the stuff that you have been neglecting while you have been wrapped up in him. I'd be willing to bet that your boys would be thrilled to have your undivided attention for the day.

You can say NO and deal with his anger without being crushed. It is hard but you can do it. He is in jail. What is he going to do? Throw a tantrum? It is easy enough to get up and walk out of the visiting area if he starts. What makes you deserve to be the person that he lets all his anger out on?

Tell the neighbors that you would love to accept their invitations but some other time. Right now you need to focus on you. If they are your friends, they will understand.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It does get better though.

paceset

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Thank you you two, I am checking back every few minutes right now as this is my time in the wee hours of the morn before I have to emerge as a "do it all" woman. I am building my strength with your care & advice and praying-I know it helps.

imlostinky

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

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I don't have the time to start with a counselor

You have as much time as you prioritize.
We are not trained professionals- we are not equipped to "fix" you. We can only offer advice - we are not mental health professionals. We should never replace therapy.

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I'm in crisis

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I'm depending on a few of his addict friends (the more functioning ones) to help sort through this mess.

There are no functioning addicts- if you need meth to function, you are not functioning.
What's wrong with this picture?

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I was in the programs and have been to Alanon in the past

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this is about ME now

AlAnon/NarAnon is all about YOU , the loved one- to bring you up from a victim mindset to an I can do mindset.
Maybe it doesn't need to be a "past" activity anymore?

I suggest that you use the time you would be spending to figure out how to visit him in jail at your own evaluation for therapy. So that you can help you.

You do have time for therapy - you are choosing to use your time to create more problems for yourself.
Relying on people who are using meth to solve your problems will be very time consuming.
That is time that would be better spent fixing you.

Quote:
I don't know how to even get the laundry done for my sons

Are you sure? How have their clothes been washed before now?

If you truly do not know how to do laundry, then please say so. I can help guide you through.

In the meantime, seriously, make an appointment to get counseling.
Fix you - then worry about the addict who is in a safe structure having his every need met with little or no effort from himself. He is a big boy, he will be just fine.
Your sons on the other hand, deserve a lot better than they are getting.
They deserve a mom who is healthy and stable and prepared and capable of providing for their needs- because they are unable to have their needs met otherwise.

Naiev
Newlywed

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Quote:
What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

We are thankful for this time to ourselves.
To find ourselves.
To work on ourselves.
To take care of ourselves.
To learn to love ourselves again.

paceset

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Hello my friend,
Ok, this is the first week and Look - I know the things I have to do but today I have a thousand things that I have to do. I need support in this first time to help me keep focused on the immediate issues of my safety, my spiritual and emotional life and my sanity, my daily duties and just help dealing with this new world that I've known may come but have never dealt in. That's why I asked. I will be dealing with the whole issue but right now it's the crisis time and I don't want it to weaken me anymore cause I need to be strong for me and my kids and do the absolute best I can in steps.

paceset

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Well, yes, there are functioning (on the surface) addicts that live all around us who have jobs and businesses and families, that's why we all end up fooled and devastated because many of us never know what hit us and wouldn't have ever dealt with a meth addict at all if we had known-because I hate drugs and have hated drugs for 20 years. Now, these few people are the only ones who can move the guy's stuff (dump trucks, trailers, containers and very strong men needed) and I have to have their help right now or I would have to pay lots in money and emotional stress and difficulty to have people that didn't know my meth monster take his stuff away! I hate where I am at and I am just as much in a prison and the addict in jail because of the crap he dumped here and the emotional devastation he has caused all who love him. I had been trying to get rid of it for a year at least but he was the most manipulating, lying, irresponsible guy exasperating to boot! And hey, I need a break, I didn't' ever use drugs and never saw him using-I only really saw him when he slept here in the last year or so-before that I didn't know he was using. And, remember, meth is illegal and pretty much every single thing that goes along with the addict so it's not like I want to tell my neighbors that I was stupid enough to let a perfectly normal looking addict store his garbage collection and his pre-addict stuff here-it's been an insidious complicated ride here and now it's complicated riding out of it and I need help and support in all the steps. Today I just need to keep doing what I have to do and it's hard and I'm weak and tired in all ways so I am asking other's to share their amour of wisdom and experience. I will walk through the steps but I have to keep them ordered and organized and do it the best way for me and my kids.

I love ya'll (I love to write southern) and thank you for each word you are given for me

sillyveronica

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Quote:
but right now it's the crisis time and I don't want it to weaken me anymore cause I need to be strong for me and my kids and do the absolute best I can in steps.

Don't allow it to be the crisis time. Step away from it (you CAN do it). He's not going anywhere - he's incarcerated. You have as much time as you make for yourself - breathe ... relax ... do what you HAVE to do to take care of yourself and the kids and put the rest on the backburner, for just a minute, however long you have. You're in panic mode - nothing will be accomplished in panic mode. RELAX!

I've been there - several of us have been there. You feel like everything needs to be done NOW, you have to address these people, you have to take care of all of these things. They're not going anywhere ... just take time for yourself, start to deal with it and relax and take it as it comes.

marakris

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Oh my....
I was YOU....for years.....Until I allowed this to go on and on and on and after years of "holding myself barely together..." I caved in...TO METH....
I will never (probably) be the same......I wish I hadn't, I NEVER thought I would. Hope and pray that you don't tolerate it......

paceset

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

I am. I thank God that my prayers were answered. I prayed for a drug charge for him as nothing I or anyone who loved him did got him to re-hab. I am praying that it's not a panic for me and that I can be methodical and not fall apart as I am the only one who can do the things that need to be done to separate myself from this meth monster that he is today. I know he's in jail, but one of the better to do addicts could bail him out and I am trying not to be terrified. I am also trying not to be fearful of the vulture addicts that know where I live and WILL try to sneak through the woods and steal whatever they can-it could be my things too and it's just the idea that they would be on my property. Then, I do need to be the person that I was-his meth addiction and all the sick crap he did did not change my core it just gave me stress and weakened my body and mind. I have to be his friend-not girlfriend-just friend as that revenge thing and the hate thing-well, it hurts me and my soul more than his cheating stealing or sickness. So, I am thinking about all of the things I have to do and prioritizing and giving each the bit that I can-I NEED HELP with the realities of this jail crap and help dealing with the addict who is depending on me as THE ONLY ONE who can help him. I believe God (higher power to those that don't like the 3 letter word) is the one and only who can help him but I am not a counselor and I need the words to say and the armor to put on from those who have walked this little sweet path. I've never visited him in jail-he's never been in real jail-he's suicidal-he's breaking and he's withdrawing-I don't need to pretend I don't love the person under the dope (tiny person-13 year old)-I need help dealing with him so this can be a positive learning-changing event for me as well as him. It's a good ole tougher than hell love for him to be in jail as a 13 year old (which he really is at now-not 42) just doesn't understand.

gosh I love ya'll-thanks so much for being here,
back to work moving steel and junk

broken
bymeth2

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Quote:
We are thankful for this time to ourselves.

Quote:
To find ourselves.

Quote:
To work on ourselves.

Quote:
To take care of ourselves.

Quote:
To learn to love ourselves again.

I couldn't have said that better myself... so I will just cosign what NaievNewlywed said.....

My husband went to prison almost 6 months ago. He gets out in like 2 weeks. At first all I could do is cry. But his addiction was out of control. It really wasn't that I missed him cause he wasn't him anymore anyway. He was what the meth monster had formed him into. I hated being alone. I hated who I had become and I was left all alone which meant I had to deal with me. I feared the unknown. I feared having to face myself and fix myself. No more him to obsess over. What the hell was I suppose to do with my time????

But now almost 6 months later.
I am glad. I found me. I like me now.
I don't know how things will be when he is released. Only time will tell that.
But what I do know is that his prison sentence might have saved him from his death from meth. And it allowed me the time to find myself, to start dealing with my own issues, and become a stronger person so that I can deal with what life throws my way....

6 months ago no one could console me or tell me it was going to be okay and that it was probably the best thing that could have ever happened....
But today I am thankful for God's blessings in disguise...

May you find peace in your heart, too.......

paceset

Re: What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

My heart goes out to you who are married to a meth addict, especially with kids-I am thankful that I have always known that my addict was my friend before and as long as he isn't actively emotionally manipulating me and is safe in jail, he can still be my friend in my head. He has depended on my as a mom (which I am both a mom and a dad to 2 boys and he seems mostly like another) most of the last months of his crash and I have a peace about what is right for him and haven't had much time to really think of what losing him as a boyfriend is going to be like but then I lost my husband (drug free & wonderful) who I loved like myself, 10 years ago so I guess if my addict isn't in my face with the insanity of meth then I won't really do too badly but if I EVER GET OVER BEING CHEATED ON IT WILL BE A MIRACLE!!! I get mad about every 10 minutes and want to beat him to a pulp, then I cry a little but working hard physically to clean the place up helps a lot right now. There is a season for everything.

I need the prayer still-today he is trying to get people to bail him out and his little felon thief drug whore is running around town collecting money. sad, he has no concept that it is a death sentence for him-yet. Please pray that she and the many others who have controlled his every move as he got sicker and weaker will NOT BE ABLE TO BAIL HIM OUT!!! I may hate the guy this moment, but I do want him to have a chance to get free and live again.

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