My son called from jail, is trying to get me to bail him out. He is
crying. He is 30. Is he safe in jail? He was using on probation,
wouldn't he still use if he was out on bail awaiting trial? Am I doing
the right thing by not making bail? I don't have the money anyway. I
have bills to pay. He just called, he said that there are 20 inmates
in his cell and 10 beds and the rest sleep on the floor. He says his
back hurts; won't they give him something for it?
- JAQUA
stn -
Just my opinion but he is trying to manipulate you into feeling
sorry enough for him to bail him out. Meth users will make up the
wildest stories just to get 20 buck. You are doing the right thing by
leaving him there to face the consequences of his actions. Stay strong
even though it is the hardest thing.
His Mom-Pat -
Hang in there Jaqua. He's right where he needs to be and a little
pain won't kill him. He is simply playing on your sympathy, but don't
give in. Probably got the cravings and gotta go for it. Stay strong. I
know it's hard, but in the end you won't regret it.
mkf -
I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't bail him out. My brother sat
in jail (he's about the same age) for 30 days and he was clean when he
came out. He didn't stay clean, but he was clean for a little while.
By the way, he's clean now and has been for 7 months.
Mamochka -
I agree with the others...I think you're doing the right thing. I
made the mistake of bailing my son out when he was arrested for
possession. He had been talking suicide prior to his arrest, and I was
afraid of what he might do. He told me that he cried the whole time he
was in jail (all 16 hours :>) ), and at the time, I thought the
experience would be enough to turn him around. WRONG! He only got
deeper into meth. And did he appreciate my bailing him out, or see it
as an expression of my concern? No...he told me next time he wouldn't
call me, he'd call a friend who would bail him out and not expect any
gratitude. And he complained to his friends that I had gone through
the bail bond company rather than standing in line for hours with the
dregs of humanity at the county jail to bail him out...he complained
that he was going to lose the 10% premium the bail bond company
charges just because I was "too lazy" to stand in line.
I say, let these young men sit in jail, if that's where their
actions have landed them...it might be their only chance to stop using
long enough to clear their minds and begin to see what they are doing
to themselves and the people who love them. I've learned from bitter
experience that trying to show my son that I cared by doing something
like bailing him out only backfired...he is blind to my love and
concern, and only sees me as an easy mark for his lies and
manipulations.
cmom -
From someone who has been there, you are doing the right thing.
Stay strong.
bugs -
As dr. phil says..."you teach people how to treat you." and when he
realizes that anger and being mean isn't going to get his wants and
needs met, maybe he will learn to treat you better, and if he doesn't,
was there really anything that you did to deserve the reaction you are
getting from him? don't take on the guilt he is trying to put on
you...you have done nothing wrong.
dr. phil also says, "past behavior is a good predictor of future
behavior." has he ever been a man of his word in the past? can you
believe his promises? if not, then why should this one be any
different?
Gina -
I certainly can understand your feelings right now. My husband is
in jail also, and is begging to be bailed out. (he has a plan to get a
job with someone he met in there and swears that he is not going to
use anymore)
We have to remember that our loved ones are not used to feeling the
pain of their consequences so they are not going to be able to
rationally understand why we are not bailing them out.
It is very hard, believe me I know. I want to believe him soo bad,
but I keep reading all of the advice that was posted in response to
your posts and to mine. They are all saying the same thing. We really
need to let them sit it out where they are.
I have made the decision not to go see my husband for a few weeks,
not taking any phone calls either. They always end up with him being
really hateful and verbally abusive, trying to manipulate and twist
feelings, the guilt trips etc...
Stay strong, I think that we are making the right choices.
Sometimes the right choices are the hardest ones to stand by.
ScaredMom -
You are doing the right thing by leaving him there. Most of the
jails are really bad.....but nothing is as bad as the Meth. I don't
know if you know this yet, but those collect phone calls from jail
cost as much as $14.00 each. It is a racket to make money for the
jails, so please don't accept too many until you know what you will be
charged for them
