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Son is in jail; should I bail him out?


   My son called from jail, is trying to get me to bail him out. He is crying. He is 30. Is he safe in jail? He was using on probation, wouldn't he still use if he was out on bail awaiting trial? Am I doing the right thing by not making bail? I don't have the money anyway. I have bills to pay. He just called, he said that there are 20 inmates in his cell and 10 beds and the rest sleep on the floor. He says his back hurts; won't they give him something for it?
- JAQUA


Replies

stn -
   Just my opinion but he is trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry enough for him to bail him out. Meth users will make up the wildest stories just to get 20 buck. You are doing the right thing by leaving him there to face the consequences of his actions. Stay strong even though it is the hardest thing.

His Mom-Pat -
   Hang in there Jaqua. He's right where he needs to be and a little pain won't kill him. He is simply playing on your sympathy, but don't give in. Probably got the cravings and gotta go for it. Stay strong. I know it's hard, but in the end you won't regret it.

mkf -
   I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't bail him out. My brother sat in jail (he's about the same age) for 30 days and he was clean when he came out. He didn't stay clean, but he was clean for a little while. By the way, he's clean now and has been for 7 months.

Mamochka -
   I agree with the others...I think you're doing the right thing. I made the mistake of bailing my son out when he was arrested for possession. He had been talking suicide prior to his arrest, and I was afraid of what he might do. He told me that he cried the whole time he was in jail (all 16 hours :>) ), and at the time, I thought the experience would be enough to turn him around. WRONG! He only got deeper into meth. And did he appreciate my bailing him out, or see it as an expression of my concern? No...he told me next time he wouldn't call me, he'd call a friend who would bail him out and not expect any gratitude. And he complained to his friends that I had gone through the bail bond company rather than standing in line for hours with the dregs of humanity at the county jail to bail him out...he complained that he was going to lose the 10% premium the bail bond company charges just because I was "too lazy" to stand in line.
   I say, let these young men sit in jail, if that's where their actions have landed them...it might be their only chance to stop using long enough to clear their minds and begin to see what they are doing to themselves and the people who love them. I've learned from bitter experience that trying to show my son that I cared by doing something like bailing him out only backfired...he is blind to my love and concern, and only sees me as an easy mark for his lies and manipulations.

cmom -
   From someone who has been there, you are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

bugs - 
   As dr. phil says..."you teach people how to treat you." and when he realizes that anger and being mean isn't going to get his wants and needs met, maybe he will learn to treat you better, and if he doesn't, was there really anything that you did to deserve the reaction you are getting from him? don't take on the guilt he is trying to put on you...you have done nothing wrong.
   dr. phil also says, "past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior." has he ever been a man of his word in the past? can you believe his promises? if not, then why should this one be any different?

Gina -
   I certainly can understand your feelings right now. My husband is in jail also, and is begging to be bailed out. (he has a plan to get a job with someone he met in there and swears that he is not going to use anymore)
   We have to remember that our loved ones are not used to feeling the pain of their consequences so they are not going to be able to rationally understand why we are not bailing them out.
   It is very hard, believe me I know. I want to believe him soo bad, but I keep reading all of the advice that was posted in response to your posts and to mine. They are all saying the same thing. We really need to let them sit it out where they are.
   I have made the decision not to go see my husband for a few weeks, not taking any phone calls either. They always end up with him being really hateful and verbally abusive, trying to manipulate and twist feelings, the guilt trips etc...
   Stay strong, I think that we are making the right choices. Sometimes the right choices are the hardest ones to stand by.

ScaredMom - 
   You are doing the right thing by leaving him there. Most of the jails are really bad.....but nothing is as bad as the Meth. I don't know if you know this yet, but those collect phone calls from jail cost as much as $14.00 each. It is a racket to make money for the jails, so please don't accept too many until you know what you will be charged for them


See also:

What do we do when our addict goes to jail?

Legal, Law Enforcement, Jail & Prison issues with Meth

What do you tell a meth addict in jail?


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