KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Is he really quitting meth?

RRP Mom	Is he really quitting meth? Let me start by saying I am still filing for divorce. That being said, my husband came by this evening and we had a long talk. He explained that he turned to meth when he was feeling no confidence and needed the stimulation, that and due to some "friends" he was hanging with were (are) users. He also said that things between us were bad and that contributed. He said as I would nag because he was either gone or sleeping, it just made him want to use more. Is this true or is he trying to put some of the blame of his use on me? He still stands by the fact that he quit two weeks ago, he said because he was expecting a promotion at work and they want him to have a CDL. I feel like he is still lying to me, however, he is making plans to get his own place (he is staying with his folks - who, by the way, enable him by giving him money any time he wants it.) He also says that he wants to quit for himself. He's saying all of the right things, I just can't seem to buy it. If the willpower is there, can a person really quit on his own? No help, no support groups? Anyone who could shed some light . . . I could really use your input.
Replies...
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Aww, he's a meth addict-master manipulator-denial-it's all everyone else's fault, just like the best of em. Please don't listen to his guilt trip-he's just trying to protect his addiction. Sure nagging makes them want to use-CAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO NAG CAUSE THEY ARE BEING SELFISH JERKS! This applies to male and female meth addicts. Look around for forgetsuzette's posts...she courageously speaks for "every speedfreak" and I believe she has the role down perfectly. She even writes beautiful apology letters that we can pretend are from the addict we love or once loved...I get peace and understanding from her poetic honesty and sadly, her experience. Alanon, Naranon help me Immensely to detach with honor and distract from the evil that comes along with meth addiction
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Thank you. He seemed so sincere. I know time will tell. His sincerity will be proven in his actions. I'm not getting my hopes up. Thank you again, I really needed to hear someone else's take. This is new to me, just learned about his use a little over a week ago. I didn't know the signs, I thought he was using pot. Duh. Again, Thanks!
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? RRP Mom, go down the board and read sadinca's most recent post with all her questions that the addict never answers...Suze and others answered them from the addict's point of view. Those courageous women are RECOVERING and can be honest now but would tell you in a second that they never answered their loved one's questions when they were using because they couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to, hated questions, didn't want to feel a speck of pain, just really really wanted to do some more meth. It helps
CMR	Re: Is he really quitting meth? RRPMom, I am sorry that you are going through this. I was right where you are one year ago. It sucks. However, there was a good outcome for me. One year ago, I found out my husband was using meth. He had been using for a year and I never knew. At least not really knew. Things were different, but I didn't have any proof. When I found out what he was doing. I kicked him out. From that point his whole life started going down the tubes. His job sent him for a drug test the next day back to work. So now he was losing me, the kids, and his job. He called me up after his drug test, and wanted to talk. He was staying at his mother's. I went to talk to him. He was scared. He never told me that but I knew. He had been crying. I had only seen him cry 2 times before in our 15 years of marriage. He told me he was done with meth. He had smashed his pipes and thrown the rest away. I wanted to believe him but was so scared. I decided to give him a second chance. It proved to be a good decision. He has one year in today! It has not been easy. But I would say that it was worth it. My life is very good right now. His boss, even though he failed his drug test. Gave him one more chance also. He had been at his job for 13 years. Part of his requirement for work and for me was that he go to drug rehab. He went to outpatient counseling for 12 weeks. Other than that he has done it on his own. His meth buddies (two) One moved out of state (never to be heard from again) and the other (still lives in the area) but he lost his job (worked at the same place) and to this day has never tried to talk to my husband. He blames my husband for him losing his job, because he used meth. Isn't that funny. Can't own up to his own responsibility. I just wanted to give you another perspective on how things can turn out. For me giving him another chance was the right decision. But that's not true in every case. I think I was one of the lucky ones. One thing my husband never did was blame me or anyone else for that matter for his addiction to meth. He said it was something that he just got caught up in. Even though I blamed his so called friends. He never did. He is a big boy and made the decision to use all on his own. I know that he is right...but part of me says if only those two guys were eliminated from the equation then it would have never happened. Then again...It may have been with someone else or some other kind of drug. Who knows. Hope this helps. Good Luck to you!
no more mething around	Re: Is he really quitting meth? It's not about him being aware of how this affects you, he really isn't. Or wasn't. If he really has begun the process then we could talk about what to expect from him in early recovery. He'll begin to understand the depth of the hole he's created. You get lonely, you want to use. Even though it's his choice, that's how he attaches it to you. If you were with him, babysitting and not nagging, then he wouldn't use. That's how he sees it. If he's in early recovery, he will begin to see the lies he tells himself. Because believe it or not, half the time we believe our own crap. Some lies are told because you are standing in the way of the door and the baggie and a small amt of time. Plotting how to grab some. whatever it takes to get some dope. It is that powerful. (((HUGS))) Hang in there !
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? I so appreciate the input. Right now he is staying with his parents, I think. Should I try to explain to them the hold that this drug had (has) on him? The way he tells it, he just quit. Realized the damage it was doing to himself and quit. He was using, off and on, for over two years. He said the last time he used was two weeks ago. From what I've read, this drug is so addictive that quitting is horribly hard. Is it possible to decide to quit and quit? What are the signs of the beginning of recovery? I noticed nothing different in the last two weeks as far as his behavior. As of last weekend, he was up most of the night both nights, probably all night, I don't know, I go to bed. He's awake when I would go to sleep and usually awake and gone when I awoke. Oh, and his teeth are going bad. He agreed it is probably due to his using. He also has very dry skin on his face that is causing red areas that he scratches. Not picking incessantly, just scratching. He buys visine, he saw on TV where it takes the red out of skin blemishes.
Tender hearts KS	Re: Is he really quitting meth? *Quote:* He's saying all of the right things Well of course he is. YOU have gotten his attention and filed for divorce. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. That is what the addiction is, and so is the addict. Remember, the using is only a symptom of the problem. If drugs were the only problem, all of us addicts here would have been 'fine' once we put the drug down. End of story. My problem is ME, right between my ears. My best thinking, my rationalizations, my excuses, my blaming others damned near killed me. There is a HUGE difference between abstaining, and recovery. When the heat gets turned up, when a loved one puts their foot down, we will do whatever it takes to keep them 'hooked' into our sickness. His addiction has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, and you can't cure his addiction. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Abstaining is NOT recovery.
BentBut Not Broken1	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Congrats CMR-I'm happy for you and your husband! RRP Mom-depends kinda on how old and open-minded his parents are. When I told my Mom-she drew a blank-didn't want to learn. Some parents don't want to know. It's not been easy by any means quitting meth...but, I laid it down and had only 1 "rough" spot. Thanks to KCI and my CR group...I'm okay now. Sfj is right-there are so many ways to recover. Thankfully, she read his site and now asks me and wants to know. I still wouldn't tell her again. I'll always see the heartbreak I did not have to cause her. Only you and he will know how his parents will or won't take this info. Please do talk it over with him?
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? RRP Mom, with the "knowing" comes big decisions. Decisions only you can make once they are deeply set in your heart and mind (the mind part really is the hard part). Go with your gut. You know the man under the addict better than anyone else I imagine (most wives/girlfriends do) and you DO NOT have the responsibility to SAVE him, as much as you want to. Only he and his HP/God have that responsibility. You have a responsibility to your SELF and your HP/God to do what you think is right. My first instinct was to tell you to have a talk with his parents...I did with an addict I love...even that got twisted in the addict's lies. There has been no end to my addict's manipulations to save his precious addiction from loving interference. I just do what feels right in my heart and mind and deal with the consequences. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't. The addict and your husband are two different people. If you can keep focused on your self and do what is best for you, most of the time, it is also what is best for your husband and perhaps for the addict. Tenderhearts has been on both ends of the street...If nothing changes-Nothing Changes.
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Thank you again. His parents are very open minded, in fact, his mother apparently knew about the use and urged him to quit. She does enable him without knowing it. Thanks for helping me to know the difference between abstaining and recovering. That helped alot! We separated a year ago when I found pot, silly me, I thought he had a pot problem. Now I know it was really meth, and pot, too. He obviously didn't quit then, even though he tried much harder to hide his problem over the last year. I just have to wonder, if I gave him another chance, would be back to the same place in a year? The next time we had a fight or weren't getting along, would the meth creep back in? I can't help but think the answer is yes to both questions.
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? One Day at a Time...it's a tried and true way to deal with addiction. The best place for you to learn about how to deal with life with an addict and share in the experience, strength and hope of other people going through many of the same things you are is Alanon or Naranon (they are for loved ones of addicts). These programs are sister programs for AA and NA where you will be VERY welcomed and supported...and even loved through all of this. My Naranon family group has 6 couples who have been coming for years in support of their child on drugs, 4 of the couples have a child that has been in recovery for at least 5 years and they keep coming because they cherish their family group. 6 wives of addicts, 2 divorced wives (who keep coming), 1 remarried (there is life after marriage to a meth addict) 2 husbands, 2 girlfriends and 1 sister. I just wanted you to know that we all share in being codependent-we all ended up just as sick if not sicker than the addicts we love and we all are finding our way up. These programs help me to learn to identify when I'm enabling and how to stop and do what is best for me...which in turn is best for everyone. If it feels right, talk to your MIL-she needs you as much as you need her.
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? There is not a naranon in my area, the closest looks to be about 4 hours away. Will alanon welcome even though his drug of choice is meth and not alcohol?
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Yes! Many of my friends in Alanon (I go to 4 different meetings) are dealing with an addict as their "qualifier" right now. Yes, Alanon is a program for anyone with a family member or friend with a problem with alcohol, but most of us there have many "qualifiers" and most of us there find out very quickly that the reason we ended up loving some kind of addict is because we had been affected by alcoholism some time in our lives. Fact is, I don't know one-not one, addict that didn't begin with alcohol (I'm sure there are some out there who didn't choose to use alcohol but they probably had alcoholism somewhere in their families). I speak of my "addict" in meetings but I also speak of alcoholics in my family.... Naranon is just more drug specific. Naranon uses the same literature as alanon and the same steps etc with an emphasis on drug addiction. The only difference I have found is that we share more about legal problems our addicts have. I happen to have one meeting in my area a week but I go to about 4 Alanon meetings a week-right now, they are a lifeline...I'm sure once I get my life figured out a little bit more, I won't need or have the time to go to as many meetings and that's just fine with everyone. The programs are for US. If the addict I love (or the man under the addict) should choose recovery, I know that I couldn't do anything better for him than to have alanon in my life. It's the ONE thing I CAN do for HIM-learn how to love my SELF. There are no rights or wrongs in the 12 step programs and they are programs of attraction rather than promotion, but I can't help but promote them as the best thing for me-they might be for you as well. Walking in to your first meeting is Hard, but trust me, you will be very welcomed!
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? I will start going to meetings. He used to drink and definitely has alcoholism in his family, uncle, grandfather . . . I was engaged at one time to an alcoholic. You'll never know how much your words mean. Right now the people I've met here are my lifeline, along with my family. I just called to check on my daughter, she stayed the night with him at his parents'. My MIL was so short with me on the phone, it was one of the most painful experiences so far.
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Just remember that everyone who loves your husband IS affected and in pain. Everyone reacts to that pain differently. It is grief....I do a lot of work on turning it over to God and seek to forgive others and myself-many times a day. Love is all the same though and you DO share that with all of the family. You can love in the midst of anger and pain. Everyone here-mostly-kept telling me to focus on my SELF and I have found that to give me the most peace...alanon supports me in that. Baby steps back to who I thought I was and who I wanted to be.
NoMore 4Me	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Even IF he's doing it on his own... where's the literature?? the sites?? his thoughts on his use??? his support person(s)??? meds?? Nobody really does it on their own, so to speak. I didn't do NA and stuff, I did however have hella books and info on stuff. I kept/keep journals. Talked to therapists. Did my time. Spoke to people, took classes. Have hella notes on stuff. Poetry. Running, lots of stuff that was aimed towards living differently. Started hanging with clean people. I knew their were behaviors I had to change, honesty with myself was probably one of my greatest allies. It helped me address myself and not try and convince others I was clean. Off heroin, I was curled up at 2 wks. Off speed, it took awhile for me to feel 'un paranoid', I still worked though. But that's me. I dunno, doesn't sound like you're sure on stuff with this guy. I would do what made me happy. hope that helped.
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? His family is a big support as am I. I told him I would support his decision to quit 100%, but I just couldn't do it as his wife. I also told him that I care about him more than he could ever imagine, much more than his "friends". His folks are helping him to find a place to live. I truly hope he can get clean. My fear is that he may quit the meth for awhile, but continue to use pot. I believe pot was the gateway to meth. I am absolutely devastated at what this has done to our lives. Sometimes the devastation is almost too much to bear. Thanks for all of your thoughts - having everyone here as a resource has been a lifesaver.
luve piphany	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Yes RRP, you do care about him much much more than his "friends". Quitting meth isn't very easy...if he does manage to "just smoke pot", he most likely will just go back around the circle back to meth but harm reduction is a path to life... I've been advised by many a recovering addict to not "future trip"....no what ifs My meeting tonight was on "WHY?" Go Figure! That's how alanon works...seems like whenever I'm obsessing or stressing on something, it gets slapped right in my face at a meeting shortly thereafter and I get to try to figure it out. I thought of you tonight...I was also asking why.
RRP Mom	Re: Is he really quitting meth? Thanks for the words. I just keep telling myself that this is best for both of us. Selfishly, my heart wants him here with me, but I know that I am an enabler and if he has any chance of recovery, he needs me as a friend and not a wife. Hard reality to come to, but I know it's the right decision for us both.