KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Is he really quitting meth or just abstinence?

broken bymeth	Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? My husband isnt using and hasnt well for 4 days for sure but he isnt really doing much else either? He says he wants to quit and has temporarily (4 days this time) but other than obstaining he isnt doing anything. He has said he wanted to quit using and stop for days up to months but this has been going on for years now. I told him this time I really am thru. Either he quits for good or I want a divorce. I dont have another relapse and recovery in me. He might but I dont. I feel like such a cold hearted _itch. But I want happiness, and with meth in our lives, I never will be. I am almost 30 (next month) and I havent been happy since I was like 8. So it is not all related to meth. My life is a mess. I make bad decisions (alot). I have finally decided to get/find happiness or be done with life. I am tired of feeling the way I do. He ask me questions about things and truthfully I cant answer them because I cant remember. I am guess thru all that has gone on in the last several years I have started to block things out so I dont have to deal with them. This is the way I dealt with my childhood and teenage years I just block it out I dont remember hardly anything. It seems crazy I feel crazy. He can tell that I am thru with it. I am cold.(really I am just numb I have to be I couldnt take anymore) He says I fell like you dont love me anymore. I tell him I do and I do but I guess I have built up my defenses and walls so much I just come off has a cold heartless _itch. I dont want to be this way. I want to be holding his hand and guiding him thru and supporting him all lovie dovie. But I just find myself wanting to yell at him get off your _ss and go to NA or something. Show me true wanting to quit not just abstinence? I guess I am rambling on and on and maybe not making any sense. But if anyone out their has felt this way or gone thru these emotions when your love was trying or attempting to quit mayvbe you could give me some advice. Tell how to make it tell me how to trust and love and show him that and not just be a cold -ss @#%$ because that in the end will only give him an excuse to use again and not stay sober. He has already told me that without me there is no reason to be sober. (If that isnt just enough guilt for me on top of the way I already feel)
Replies...
angie Ncali	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? If he is only been clean for 4 days ... he really shouldnt be doing much yet. And it is too soon too tell if it is only abstinence or recovery .... Give him a little break ... I know he probably doesnt deserve it. I understand you have been through a lot and have your own healing to do ... I really do understand that. But 4 days ... is still a vulnerable period for him ... if your still willing to stick things out with him for now ... then you just need to be a little more patient. 4 days while a HUGE accomplishment for us speed freaks ... is really not enough time to know which way it is gonna go,.
gfofan addict	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? Oh my god, you sound just like me but I wasn't married. I really thought that I almost wrote this. Today I made the decision to move on. Took some time, but it's time has come. My new life for the new year is how I see it now.
Rachel sue76	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? Broken, We are the same age. Wow. Anyhow... 4 days is a good start. At 4 days my husband was basically a blob. He ate, he slept,he watched t.v. and that was about it. He was actually like that for about the first week and a half. *Quote:* He says he wants to quit and has temporarily (4 days this time)but other than obstaining he isnt doing anything Has he been saying that he wants to stay quit? I know that at first when my husband first started quitting, I thought that he should do this and this and this. But, I finally came to the realization that this is HIS RECOVERY. When he wants it bad enough, he will do it. And, he will do it the way that works best for him. *Quote:* I dont have another relapse and recovery in me He might but I dont. I am sorry that it has gotten to that point for you. But you know what your limitations are. *Quote:* .My life is a mess. I make bad decisions (alot).I have finally decided to get/find happiness or be done with life.I am tired of feeling the way I do. This is not to be funny at all but, have you considered that you might be extremely depressed? Have you talked to your doctor about all this? I can understand being depressed in this situation. Who hasn't been? But you seriously sound so depressed. *Quote:* But I just find myself wanting to yell at him get off your _ss and go to NA or something Show me true wanting to quit not just abstinence? Yeah, I can remember feeling that way too. I think I was just expecting for some reason that he was going to go by this perfect recovery plan that I had in my mind that I thought he should go by. Ha ha. That was a joke. It is not my recovery. It is his. I am sorry that you are in such a dilema and that you are having alot of negative feelings about it.
angie Ncali	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? Did he use everyday ? if so it is gonna take him at least a week to come out of that fog and to begin to even feel somewhat normal again ... see if he would be willing to go to meetings at that point. Communicate with him ... tell your gonna have a hard time buying that he has any intentions of actually staying sober until you see him taking some serious action to do things differently such as going to meetings ??? tell him if he could have stayed on his own he probably would have been able to do so before now ... and that if he continues to do things his way ... they'll turn out the same way they always have ....
broken bymeth	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? Rachel, Not only are the same age but I believe I read before that we are from the same state (Texas?)Not sure but I think so.Anyways... I was diagnosed as with manic depression (aka bipolar) when I was in my teens but what teen cant be described as bipolar.. In my mid twenties I was diagnosed with dysthimia (probably spelled wrong but is basically means depression for a long time)I have been off and on medication doesnt really seem to work. In was also in and out of mental hospitals in my teens for depression and suicide (tried wasnt successfully obviously)Now I dont have to many suicdal thoughts except when things get really really bad but no plans to carry it so they are just thoughts I always seem to find some excuse not to do it. I dont have any patience WHAT SO EVER.. I want to yell and scream at him and tell him how much pain and damaged he has caused but I know I cant because if he was going to use that would damn sure drive him over the edge. And here is the crazy part with all that going thru my head I want to grab him and tell him I love him and it will all be okay things will get better we will find his sobriety together.. But now all I do is just pretty much say nothing.If i feel myself close to crying I clam up.I cant seem to get how I feel to come out of my mouth to him.And sometimes I say or do things or accuse him of things he didnt do but I cant even say I am sorry or admit it. I AM ONE BIG BALL OF SADNESS AND ANGER..........
Rache lsue76	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? Broken, Actually, I live in Southern Michigan. Have you ever gotten a second opinion? There seriously has to be something that can help you. I imagine that it really has to suck being so depressed all the time. *Quote:* I want to yell and scream at him and tell him how much pain and damaged he has caused but I know I cant because if he was going to use that would damn sure drive him over the edge. Yeah, I had a period that I really wanted to eel him all that he had done. But, he already knew. There is a lady that posts here but is gone right now that is an addict and her boyfriend is also. She posted one day about the fact that she forgot what it was like to just be recently clean and that she started telling him how much he had hurt her and all the wrong things that she felt he had done. I guess what relaly hit home with me was when she said" He knows how much he hurt me. And I know how painful it is to come to the realization that you have done all these things. " I was just like wow. I don't know. I started thinking about it. I know that I have done things that have hurt my husband. I also know that he does not continually throw them up in my face. I think that it really started making a difference in the way I dealt with my husband. He knows all the things that he did while he was using better that I know that things that he did. He was the one using. *Quote:* And here is the crazy part with all that going thru my head I want to grab him and tell him I love him and it will all be okay things will get better we will find his sobriety together.. That is not crazy at all. You have to decide what is more important. Do you want to let go of the past or do you want to let go of him? He may use again. That is just a fact of being an addict. He may not. But, I know that it is easier to recover when you feel that you are worthy and that you are loved. He already feels like a piece of shyt. He knows the things that he has done. If you are going to love him, then do it to the best of your ability.
coffee diva	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? I go through those feelings of wanting to scream and then wanting to comfort. The last couple of days have been hard for me. I have been gearing up for taxes and in going through his biz receipts have found all these ATM withdrawals and it just brought up to the surface all of the hurt of the last year. Also, his meth buddy keeps calling and calling. He is not answering his phone, but it is just p*ssing me off and driving a dagger in my heart. I keep reminding myself that I need to let it go, but I am feeling scared about relapse all the time. I just keep saying to myself.."you can't control his decisions." I don't know what advice to give since I am so new at this, other than to follow your gut and your heart and to shut off the outside voices of influence until you can hear it. I know I want to help my husband through it as long as he is willing to try. He is about 3 weeks clean now. He is actually sleeping, getting up on his own in the morning, talking to me, interacting with the kids, just being part of the family again. It has been a year since he has spent this much time with us on a 'real' level. I just don't want the bubble to burst and so I think my controlling tendecies are just a defense for that. Sorry to ramble. I hope you can find help for you and that you do what is right for YOU in your heart, whether that means staying or going.
sickand tired77	Re: Is he really quitting meth or is it just abstinence? *Quote:* his meth buddy keeps calling and calling. He is not answering his phone, but it is just p*ssing me off Yep, I've been there... for SURE! My hubby told me he just wouldn't talk to the guy anymore. He explained that if he didn't answer the calls for long enough, that dude would eventually just stop calling. But the way I saw it was that if he REALLY didn't want to talk to him anymore, it would be a lot more direct to just tell him so. Then MAYBE the guy would stop calling! Hubby never told him to stop calling... but eventually, he did. Broken, I hope for your sake that this time is really the one. Time is always a tattle tale, so you will know soon enough. My thoughts are with you, girl.