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Hate to love him or love to hate him


book
rat21
Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Why can't I decide what the correct way to say that is? His addiction is wearing me out. I can't handle wondering, worrying, waiting to see when the other shoe will drop (so to speak). I get to where I hate myself for loving him & yet I know that it is pointless to do that. I will always love him. Then I think, being the codependent that I am, maybe I just love to hate him. Either way, I am getting to the breaking point. Do I have to hit rock bottom too?
Last night (when he came home after using & continued to use throughout the night) was my perfect chance to tell him to either get off it or get out. Did I? No. He even asked me if I was "irritated" & if I had "anything to say." But rock the boat? Me? Are you kidding? I would rather sit around and let him take advantage of me I guess. I would rather let him compromise my values. I would rather let him make me feel guilty. I would rather take the blame for him being a dopehead. I would rather...What is freaking WRONG WITH ME?
I hate myself for loving him and I would hate myself for leaving him. Why can't I stop hating?
     Replies...
silly
veronica
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Quote:
I would rather sit around and let him take advantage of me I guess. I would rather let him compromise my values. I would rather let him make me feel guilty. I would rather take the blame for him being a dopehead.

You're right ... all of those things are on YOU - YOU control your actions and how you react to him. So it's up to YOU to decide if that's really the life you want to live for yourself, or what your other options are.

I'm codependent too, have come a long way in the last year. Start figuring yourself out, what has led you to be comfortable in a relationship like this and put the focus back on YOU.

You already know you can't change him - you can't force him into recovery. So all the energy you spend getting angry and upset at him is worthless (I know, I used to expend that energy as well).

Have you read any codependent books? That was the starting place for me ... that and understanding that you have to let go of his addiction - you have absolutely no control over it.

katelin
24
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
I would think you wouldn't want to give him any kind of ultimatums when he is using. I think you made the right choice on that part of it.
There's so much I need to say to my hubby and I just don't have the guts. I understand exactly how you feel.
nine
years
clean
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Quote:
Why can't I stop hating?

You can. It is a choice.
Once you make the conscious decision to learn to LOVE yourself, you will begin to stop hating.
Nothing changes IF nothing changes.

Too simple? I know. But true, oh-so-true!

book
rat21
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Katelin24 - It is good to know I am not the only one going through this. I think we could be really good friends... too bad our situations suck. (I guess because we let them suck.) If you ever need someone to vent on or cry to, feel free to unload on me. We can compare notes.  Thanks.
katelin
24
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
lol- I think I pretty much unload on everyone here these days.
However, I can always use friends!
silly
veronica
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Quote:
It is good to know I am not the only one going through this.
I've been there too ... I just choose to not be there anymore. I value myself and my children too much to put up with the constant BS that comes along with loving an active addict. Now ... if he's trying to get help, that's totally different.

Try to find the balance ... take care of yourself, learn about codependency, and see where that road takes you. Once I started on that road (and it's long and hard ... still not finished), you'll realize things about yourself you never knew ... and you may be surprised at how strong you become and how that "love of a lifetime" "soul mates forever" isn't what you believed it to be (speaking from my own experiences).
luve
piphany
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
If you continue to let him use at home with your kids and being a teacher....you are playing with fire. Please don't wait to set some boundaries-a fair one that even he should be able to understand is-NO DOPE AT HOME. Please protect yourself from his illegal activity and know that there is a lot of illegal activities that go on along with meth use.
book
rat21
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
He's not trying to get help at the moment. That's my biggest thing. I have said to him so many times... "You could at least TRY!" He is actually the one who suggested I come online & research addicts & addiction because I couldn't understand why it would be so hard to just STOP. Little did I know I needed so much help myself....
Jamie
J1979
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
You cannot make someone stop using but you can make them respect your home if you are willing to stick to your guns. For instance I told my addict that he wouldn't be allowed to live with me if he used drugs in my house or came around high. He violated that rule and I kicked him out. He is living on the streets of Seattle and comes over when he's not high to visit and sometimes spend the night. I cannot have a using addict living with me because I'm a recovering addict and I'm pregnant with our son, my first child. I refuse to have a using addict anywhere near my child. Drugs make people totally unpredictable and I refuse to endanger my child by letting a addict be around my son. You need to stop letting him come around you house if he is still using, a using addict can be a ticking time bomb. Plus how can you expect to instill values like don't do drugs with you children when you yourself are allowing a using addict to be around them. Kids are smart, they know!
book
rat21
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
I hate to say it, but I continue to let him stay at home because I think (thought) I can (could) fix him. I know it is lame & I am learning that I can't, but I still have the feelings of "What would he do without me?" I have to get over that though & i am working on it. I am a work in progress!
Jamie
J1979
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
Letting him stay there is NOT helping him. I know it's hard for you to see that right now, so please get the book Codependent No More as it will help you like nothing else can. It can help you learn the difference between enabling and true help. By letting him stay there he is not having to face up to his addiction. Unless he experiences negative consequences he will continue to use, people rarely stop using unless they have a reason to. If things keep working out for them they feel that their use isn't a problem so why quit? Losing his place to stay is a start as far as him having to face up what drugs are doing to his life. Things like losing your place to stay as a direct result of using drugs really shows the addict what they must sacrifice in order to keep using. When things become bad enough they become willing to make changes. Sometimes losing everything still doesn't make them stop because the drug is so worth it to them. For some it takes time for the addict to reach the point where life has gotten so bad that enough is enough. The point is he may get clean and he may not but you letting him live in your home is definitely not helping him reach the point where he wants to stop using. If anything it's enabling to continue using another day and another day and so on. You need to worry about yourself and your kids, he's a adult that's a addict but that doesn't mean he's not capable of caring for himself. My guy claims he can't take care of himself and he needs help making important phone calls and setting and keeping appointments. Truth is he wants me to be his personal secretary to he doesn't have to be responsible should something go wrong like he miss a important appointment or something. He is capable of doing these things but he just wants someone to take care of him. Hell I wish I had someone to attend to all my affairs so I didn't have to worry about anything important. Especially when using it would've been nice to have someone taking care of everything like grocery shopping, paying rent and car payments, gas, cigs, utility bills, and so on. Yes being a grown up can be stressful but we deal with it. It's called life. My addict wants to run away from responsibility and just get high to avoid reality. Many addicts do this, I know I did. Thing is when you come down all the responsibilities are still there and they have turned into problems from not dealing with them. My addict could get an apartment and live on his own but he chooses the street because he gets overwhelmed and rather be homeless and high. He had it alright living with me but he chose to continue to use in my home or come home high and that is just not cool. It was difficult at first. I would lay in bed thinking about him being outside in the weather at night but then I realized he chose to live that way. He didn't have to do drugs in my home or come home high. He could've stayed away when high and not put it right in my face but he didn't. My sobriety and my unborn son are far to important to me to allow him to use drugs in my presence. Setting boundaries is a hard thing to do at first but when you stick to them you feel really good and it helps build your confidence. After being apart from him I started to realize I was more used to him being around and not being alone than anything else. I wasn't madly in love with him anymore. I was just used to him being around and I got used to it so the though of being alone was scary. It takes some getting used to but it's so much better to be on your own vs. comprising your morals and values for a man that doesn't respect you enough to not use drugs in your home. So read the book and get tough, you're not helping him but you are hurting yourself and your kids. Think of them, they need your nurturing and support. He's a grown man that needs to face up to his addiction.
Frenchy
 
Re: Hate to love him or love to hate him?
I am a young adult. My ex is an addict. But, he feels like he is a part-time user who has everything under control. He is killing me.  We have broken up many times...but, have never been apart for too long.  He has done many nasty things to me...but, I can not break away.  I love him w/my whole heart...and pray for his soul more than my own.

I am not on anything and thus, I feel like I can not understand the hold that this drug has on him.  I pity him more than I hate him.  He's such a great guy when he's not wired in this @#%$...WHY OH WHY can't he get his @#%$ 2gether.-

See also:

Why does my boyfriend love me today and hate me tomorrow?


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