Not quite sure what to do

Husband being released from rehab - Any advice?

kmb2006

Not sure quite what to do...

My husband is being released from rehab on the 16th. He wants to come home, and I'm not sure whether I should take him back in so soon.

We haven't lived together in 8 months, and though I've come a long way in my own recovery, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do if he comes here. Do I immediately ask him to take on his share of the household responsibility? Do I keep doing it all until he starts pitching in? Do I sit him down like a little child and say "here are the rules?" If I don't tell him what my boundaries are, how do I expect him to know where they are. Do I lay all of this on him on the 6 hour car ride back, or do I phase it in slowly? Do I walk on eggshells like a cancer patient coming back from chemo (I had the disease thing drilled into my head this last weekend, and the comparison to a cancer patient was the most used example)?

He can't come back here and just do nothing. That would only make me resentful. And it seems to me that accomplishing something during the day, even if it's just a few small things, would go a long way to making him feel like he's worth something, like he has something to contribute.

He's really struggling, and truth be told he's better off staying as far away from here as he can. But.. but, but, but...

We've already determined that we don't want to live in this city anymore. His family is here, and well, there are too many connects through them. He's determined to take the zero tolerance approach, and most of the family are heavy pot smokers and a couple of his aunts are long-time tweakers. They ALL drink. They are good people, really. Always there when you need them, but drugs are part of the fabric of the family, and we just can't be around that right now.

So, we're going to move. Now, coordinating that effort with a newborn and a 3 year-old and a full-time job (though I work from home and can live anywhere) is going to be hard for me to handle on my own. And I certainly can't do it in the next two weeks.

So, he would have to fight really hard for a good month or so to stay away from his old haunts. And no family gatherings in that time, I think. Just the one 100% sober aunt.

He does have the option of going to a half-way house, but he really just wants to come home, wherever home is. I don't know. I have a week and 5 days to decide. I wish I could have us moved before he's released, but I can't. It might sound selfish, but I sure could use his help around here, at whatever level he's capable of. And his little girl is missing him terribly, so, I'm just not sure.

Any advice? Anyone?

TenderheartsKS

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

Quote:
He does have the option of going to a half-way house, but he really just wants to come home

Just from reading your post, I'd say a halfway house would be good for everyone at this point. You have a new baby and a little one, you've already stated there is no way to get moved before he gets out, and remember, no matter where you go, you always take you with you!

What I am trying to say is he is like a newborn baby in diapers, he isn't even out in the 'real world' yet.

He needs time to become more solid in his recovery. You need to continue to work on your own recovery.

Look at all the questions already running rampant through your head IF he comes straight home from rehab. Is this the way you want to live?

I was always told NO major decisions for a year after rehab, though I did move to the town where I went through rehab as soon as I got out because my then husband was using and threatening me and was violent. It was essential for my safety and recovery to move away from him and my old stomping grounds.

Early in recovery, we addicts still battle that self-centeredness. What he wants may not be the best thing for everyone involved.

You need time for you and your children. He needs structured time with other recovering people.

Just my two cents

Guene

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

After all the stuff he's done to you and the kids, I really feel he should go to the halfway house too. He needs to deal with his problem and he also needs to prove that he really wants this, wants to be a family again, needs to prove it, at least that's what I think. Love Bobbie

kmb2006

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

I'm going to talk with sfj in the morning and get another perspective, but right now I'm thinking that maybe I'll ask him again to go to the half-way house and then get us moved down there as soon as I can so we can be closer to each other. It's a 5 hour drive for us to go and see him. They do have some half-way houses up here, but he's got hook ups all over this area. I guess he would have to avoid the temptation there, too. He'd find it if he wanted to, I guess, but it would be a lot harder.

And where we want to move is pretty much home for us. We lived in that area for 4 years, but we had to leave when he decided to quit using 3 years ago. Hmm. Deja vu all over again. He did stay clean for a year, but neither of us were in recovery, so here we are again...

We're pretty lonesome for each other. *sigh* I dunno.

Time4Change

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

I think I'd let him get out and start walking in recovery before I made any plans. Doesn't matter where he lives if he wants to find it he will. You doing all the work to figure out where to move trying to get him away from contacts IMO is still co-dependant. (I do the same thing)

My counselor told me that after rehab the addict would need to get out and start living and applying what they've learned and start working there recovery and that I would need to give him time and space to do it on his own. She also told me that I would need that time to see if he was truly going to recover. Jumping back in a situation with me taking care of everything wouldn't help him or me.

Just me 2 cents

Naiev
Newlywed

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

Quote:
Do I immediately ask him to take on his share of the household responsibility?

Yes

Quote:
Do I keep doing it all until he starts pitching in?

Quote:
Do I sit him down like a little child and say "here are the rules?"

Yes

Quote:
Do I lay all of this on him on the 6 hour car ride back,

Yes

Quote:

Do I walk on eggshells like a cancer patient coming back from chemo (I had the disease thing drilled into my head this last weekend, and the comparison to a cancer patient was the most used example)?

No

Do you speak with him on the phone? A lot of this stuff can be laid out before you pick him up. Surely he knows he has some redemption and he knows you've been doing everything by yourself. It's his time to help.

imlostinky

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

Quote:
He does have the option of going to a half-way house

For me, yes, I think this would be the solution for now.
While you both are finding out who you are and putting your lives back together.
He can always visit for now-
that would give you time to decide what you really want, what would be the best course of action for you, and if a move is in order, time to get it all done - rather than the pressure of deciding everything in a week.

JMO.

Paws
from hell

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

As a recovering addict a halfway house was perfect for me.

And if that's not enough there are 3/4 houses for recovery. These houses demand commitment something we as active addicts fail miserably in. Plus they offer support for the recovery process, and help us get back into being contributors.

My best to your recovery and your recovering addict.

TerryCa

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

Exciting news yet scary! I have to agree that your husband should go to a halfway house. He can concentrate on his recovery and not the household duties and interactions between you, him and the kids.

We love you!

Naiev
Newlywed

Re: Not sure quite what to do...

Just more of my opinion,

I would research the halfway house first...thoroughly.

The one that my hubby could possibly be sent to is on the corner of prostitute and crack drive. They don't have a very high success rate.

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