When will he stop being angry?

Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

RedHurt

Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

I need some help. My addict (ex husband) is not using anymore, I won't say that he is in recovery, because he is not getting any type of help. (He did go to re-hab, but has relapsed several times since then)
My question is - when will he stop being angry ???
He lives in a different city than we do, but he stays with us when he is in town, for a court date or to visit the kids. But he seems to be mad at us all the time, we don't do anything right in his eyes. Is this normal?
He has been clean probably for 2 or 3 months.
Thanks in advance for any advise.

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Quote:
when will he stop being angry ?

When he faces what he is most angry about- my guess is himself being reflected outward.
Until he can come to terms with that, no he will stay angry.

There are issues before meth- they are there after meth.
The change has to come from inside as well.
Otherwise, your body may be "clean" but your mind is as dirty as it has always been- cluttered with funk.

So, your choices -
You can attempt to draw out what he is most angry about- guide him through. *sighs* hard to do though when he is carrying such a huge chip on his shoulder.
You will have to listen to what he is really saying-

or
you can set guidelines and hold him to it.
As, in you can stay here but while you do so, there will be no yelling, hateful remarks.
You don't have to like me but you will show me respect in my home

or
you can have him stay elsewhere and just visit the children at a more public neutral place.
Less likely to be explosive.

The bottom line is the hard work you have put into making your home a safe, peaceful place for your children- a stable environment gets all undone with his disruptions.
Counter productive- it just can not continue.
He may be "clean" but he is still the addict stuck in addict mode of thinking.

One other possibility is that he is not "clean" and you are getting the come down time. The crash.

RedHurt

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Thanks so much for your help, I never even thought of that way. Sometimes my first reaction is to just get mad back.
I knew I could get some great advise here. I always do.
Thanks again I will keep these options in mind.

danimal55

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Without any kind of outside help he may stay angry indefinitely.
A meth addict will constantly push the envelope and use you for a whipping 'post/doormat for as long as he/she can get way with it.
You take the blame and suffer the wrath...you're handy and he can't get away with it anywhere else.
Really though...with no recovery in the works and a series of relapses behind him, odds are that you're seeing him in withdrawal/crash mode since he can't show up in court or visit the kids while he's spun.
How does he seem when you talk to him on the phone?
Ever overly happy? congenial? surreal? talkative/friendly?

luvepiphany

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Ya know, I have one word for meth addicts and I love one of em A LOT, that word is Narcissistic-it's not a put down (well, not right now) but just a complete way to describe them-they really only think about "ME ME ME". That's just what the drug does and he is probably very angry at the situation he is in and if he is not using, he is probably very angry that he is NOT.
The love for the drug that surpassed any love for anyone doesn't seem to go away for some time. I too am angry that I have lost someone I love-my addict is angry that he will lose some "thing" he loves when he goes to jail-Meth. Until I deal with my loss, I will probably be angry too-same with him.
This is the way I try to understand the anger in the addict. I am usually just better able to keep my anger to myself than the addict who is a lot sicker than I am and can't put the anger where it belongs.

The most important thing is for you to not let his anger bring you down or cause you to lose the peace you have probably worked VERY hard for.

I hope this kind of helps...

RedHurt

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

I'm not sure if he is using, he has to ua every week, and he doesn't always know when. Is there a way around those too ? He is never in a descent mood, always sad or mad.
The poor kids they love their dad and they know his situation, but they are even getting where they don't want to talk to him because of his mood. I tell him all the time that there is a big difference between abstinence and recovery and he is not in recovery. Of course the reply is
"I don't need that kind of help" ????????

Reason

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

His anger may be entirely unrelated to meth or drug use.

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Quote:
"I don't need that kind of help"

Hmm, now where have I heard that before? I wonder..........

Whatever.

I don't argue with my husband about it anymore- I am not going to start arguing with yours.
Yeah he does need that kind of help.

It may be working for him but it isn't working for you.
And it is unfair to your children.
What they are seeing is they are not good enough.
What they are learning is they are bad kids that is why daddy is so mad all the time.

The problem is not the kids- the problem is him- his selfishness, his own inadequacies-
It isn't right to push that off onto the children.

Whatever his problem is, it is just that - his problem.
Not yours unless you allow it to be.
You do what is best for your children and yourself.
He is grown.

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Okay easy way to tell if he is crashing or if it is just readjusting to life being clean.

A recently clean addict will not have a great deal of patience unless they are just a naturally patient parent.

When the kids go to bed, when it is quiet, after he has had a chance just to unwind-
Simply say - I understand how hard this must be for you to quit - and I am real proud of all you have accomplished. Do you realize though that you are pushing your children away from you?

Watch his answer- if you get even more anger- crashing-
if you get genuine concern, just having a hard time with withdrawals.

That is the difference- the active addict will react as an active addict.
The clean addict will feel the pain.

You could throw in how much they look up to him- how he is their hero.
That should soothe him enough to ask the end question.

There you go.
That is how I know. My husband when clean cares- and truly does not want to cause any pain to his children.
The addict sees their pain as their weakness- oh well they shouldn't be that way.

If it is just withdrawals, readjusting, you should be able to just talk it through.
If it is use, ...........no. It will only escalate.

jacksmom

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Jacklyn's anger got worse before it got better. I was told by the drug counselor that it often gets worse around six months of being clean. It took Jack about 2 &1/2 months, then the rages were terrible. That lasted a few more months and now she's not miserable and angry any more.

Good luck!

RedHurt

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

I've told him that the last time he stayed at the house, he hurt the kid's feelings because he did not wake them up to tell them goodbye. I was at work and let them stay home from school, because I thought they could visit with him. The kids woke up about 8:00am and he was already gone, no goodbye or anything. His answer was "I don't do anything right where ya'll are concerned" ?????

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Now see, that to me could be either or.
That is a damned if you do , damned if you don't.
A better way to handle that would be to be very clear on expectations.
How much time do you expect him to spend with the children.
What activities do you expect him to share.
If you expect him to wake them before leaving then you need to say so the night before.

I would think why wake them up just to make them cry? and leave them sleeping as well. That to me would have been a considerate caring thing to do.

You need to keep in mind that he may not know what is expected of him as a father. It isn't that he is being uncaring as much as he doesn't know how to show he cares.

Be clear on what you expect- you can't just throw it out there Well I expect you to be a dad. He may truly not know what it is that determines dad status.
You will need to teach him.

If you have certain activities in mind- let's say you expect him to take the kids to the park and play ball -
then you need to say I had thought you may want to do such and such, is that okay with you?
What time would you like and for how long?

Be clear - say it in words he will understand.
Because if he is coming off meth , if he is clean, he will feel exactly like that-
that nothing he does is ever good enough.
That he is a failure.
That is exactly how he will feel. For a long time.

You have to throw in the positive too - pick one negative to discuss each time.
Be more positive than negative - you will need to reinforce his self esteem.
Because he doesn't have any- he really doesn't.
No he doesn't know how to be a dad.

RedHurt

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Thank you so much. Like I said earlier I've just never thought of it that way, because before he started using he was a great Dad, I guess I just assumed it would come right back ??

FSOAB

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

"I don't do anything right where ya'll are concerned" ?????

I don't understand answers like that..
I could find a few replies.
AND?
Does that bother you?
What areas are you concerned about?
What kind of answer is that?
You poor thing... I'm so sorry for thinking you were concerned... Just kidding

The other day, I asked the other half if he was mad for losing money.. (football) He said, Well yaaa, I lost eighty dollars.. I asked, You sure you lost it or are you wanting to get some drugs... He laughed at me... He never did answer me.. I guess I will just take that laugh as a yes.

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

He's forgotten. It has been so long since he was the man before meth-
and another thing to keep in mind is that he didn't feel that great about himself to begin with or there wouldn't have been a meth.
Chances are he took meth because he was already feeling like a failure.

It isn't just a matter of get rid of meth and everything is just grand.
It doesn't work that way.
You have to relearn all that before was just there- how to care about others, how to show that you care-
he just has forgotten.
He is careless - not uncaring. He just doesn't know.

If he really is clean then you can work through this.
Wording is crucial.
Be sure to say I feel instead of you did this, you did that.
Compliment him for anything he does well - he needs that reassurance.

Most men don't know how to talk about their feelings. I know my husband didn't.
It has taken me 21 years to finally help him to a point where he can put his feelings to words- most of the time anyway.

It will come back but no it doesn't happen overnight.
It takes work - and thought.
When telling him about how great a dad he was, list specifics.
Go into details.
That helps a lot-
for example- instead of just my saying a generic statement as
You were always so good with the kids when they were little-

I say, remember that time J got his hand smashed by the window and I was freaking?
You were really amazing the way you held him and calmed him down. I really appreciate you taking him to the doctor.
You made him feel so much better just by being there.

See? That gives specifics - that brings up memories.
By being specific, I help him make it real again.
That makes a huge difference.

RedHurt

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Thanks again for your advise, sometimes I guess I forget that he is not "really his old self yet" and I don't think about how I say things to him. I will think about how I say things to him before they just come out. Even though
sometimes that is very hard to do.

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Cindy Lou

Quote:

"I don't do anything right where ya'll are concerned" ?????

I don't understand answers like that...

It really depends- a lot on whether or not they are clean or using.
Yes, sometimes it is just a poor pity me routine- get the heat off of me and put it back on you.
When using, when drinking- yeah most of the time it is just that.

But if the statement keeps being made after being clean, then maybe looking at how I say things- paying attention to what I am saying can be clue.
Maybe I have been just focusing on the negative stuff- and even though I may be saying it nicer, maybe it is just more of the same-

I can't change anyone but me.
If it is my issue then I own it, I change it, I work on me.

I find when I do that- when it is my issue- then yes it does change how those around me respond to me.

When it is his, when my husband owns that one, then I say nothing - or I say you can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
If you don't like how you feel, then look at what you are doing to yourself that is causing these feelings.

and I walk away.

If it is mine, then I admit it, I correct it, and I apologize.
At least that way , in case the day comes when he might actually be interested in fixing him, he can see how it is done.
Or at least how I am working it through.

What he does with that- is up to him.
I am just fixing me.

vicky

It stops

I quit caring about his anger and started working on mine. Now i couldn't care less if he is angry or not, though i hope he's safe.

luvepiphany

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Something that I have found through the 2 years of living with or around my addict (male), is that he hasn't been here. Oh, we have had many wonderful conversations, done numerous tough little jobs, learned things together, celebrated, Christmas, Thanksgiving...., so many words shared....but when I try to lean on our history-believe that he really does know who I am, where we are, what we believe and have learned together....he just doesn't seem to have "gotten and held" a lot of it.

He has had the same attitude as your man and said many of the same things, kind of like he forgot who he is. The person I love is, sadly, mostly a fantasy cooked up in my non-using head. He didn't learn or feel better or stronger from all of the "life" we shared". At least not as much or the way I thought he should have of. The way I learned and grew from our relationship. In a semi-normal relationship we learn from each other about ourselves and bounce thoughts and philosophies off of each other, and grow...the addict is NOT learning and growing normally regardless of how loving or wonderful the education.

So many of those positive reinforcement compliments and kind words and secrets we have shared have been received by a brain/soul that seemed to have a curtain over it and never sunk in. That is what is so insane about living a life with an addict-it's not normal-nothing is normal. I do believe that the pity talk, "I can't do anything right" goes on while using and quite a while after from what I am hearing about life with an addict getting clean.

I will keep on using all of the hints and tools I have learned from stinky and others. They seem to work to the greatest good for me and for even the using addict. Sad thing is, is that the addict won't really remember the kindness and sacrifice after he gets clean and it will have to be started all over again from scratch. That's where the immense patience, love and stamina comes in...

What kind of counseling for the kiddos of addicts is there out there? I think my kids could really get into AlATeen but what is there for the littler ones? Groups are so excellent for kids. Mom just talking with and loving kids is great, but it may not be all they need. I know it's not all they need. I see my sons that didn't have any outside support during the elementary years show a lot of signs of having been isolated in their sadness now that they are in their teens. This is a long term disease and children's lives are so short. What more can we do for them? Anyone ideas, experience?

imlostinky

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Quote:
Mom just talking with and loving kids is great, but it may not be all they need.

It isn't- but it helps.
Especially with young ones. They don't understand that it is not them that is the problem- especially if being yelled at a lot.
Counseling I think is a good help.
A positive male role model is awesome.
Grandfather, uncle- somebody to step in and fill that gap.
For all kids- little girls need that validation from daddy as well.
Just as it feels like rejection to you, it feels that way for the children.
Just as you struggle at times with what did I do wrong?
so do they.

Alateen would be good- so they can relate with others in their age group that are going through these things.
Too many times they feel as if they are the only ones.
They are not.

It is hard- hard for a mother to keep it together- hard for the kids to deal with. Addiction doesn't just affect the addict.
The addict isn't the only one to hit bottom.

It isn't personal- but too many times it feels just that way.
Pretending that those feelings don't exist is not good.
Better to get them out there in the open, out loud, and dealt with than to bottle it up and hold it in.
Isn't that a lot of why our addicts are addicts? just that reason? bottling it all up, pretending it doesn't exist?
We can not allow that future for our children.
Otherwise, the cycle just keeps repeating.

Quote:

but when I try to lean on our history-believe that he really does know who I am, where we are, what we believe and have learned together....he just doesn't seem to have "gotten and held" a lot of it.

I know that one too well.
I keep thinking sooner or later it has got to sink in.......
The reality is that no, it doesn't have to sink in.
I am here still- for now, I will stay here.
When I can, I try to help.
But no it isn't my obsession anymore.
I have accepted that he may never get it.
I have let go.
It is more important now that I get it. That I heal me.
It is something I can control.

luvepiphany

Re: Husband quit meth; when will he stop being angry?

Isn't that just the "kicker" Have to let go.
It all seems to fall back to the root-Let Go and Let God

sucks a bit

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