Why stop meth when you love it so?

I've done nothing but sleep. I've had a few calls from female friends. They want to hook up. Well I know what they want. They want the endless supply of meth that I always had. How tempting this is. Just make a call. Get an 8 ball. Before I know it. It's a party at my house again. But I can't because I'll never see my son again. But I still don't know if I will ever see him or not. I need and want the burn of good ice. The rocket ship that never ends. This is my 3rd day. I haven't had anything since Sunday. I don't work or have anything else to do. But now I just sleep. No motivation. One call and I'll be up and having fun for the next week. My X wife just wants me to sign the papers. She doesn't care what I'm going through. Won't tell me when I can see my boy. If I can't be with my son. Then why not just jump in the car and dive west. Get supplies before I leave town. Just leave and no one could ever find me again. This is very tempting. Just forget about every thing and every body. Hell I can't remember October. I'm sure I could forget about my old life. Is it worth it. I don't have a life anyways.

If you arent using ... and stay that way ... there is always ALWAYS HOPE. Just because you may not see him today or tomorrow or even next week ... who is to say that over time ... once she trust you again ... once you have stayed clean ... that she won't let you. I am sure she will.

But if you choose to use ... to go west ... there is a Chance ... you may end up like SO MANY of the USING fathers do ..... and that is to stay lost ... in the world of rocketships, lost in the Meth .... for such a long time ... that your SON will GROW up Fatherless.

Sleep it off ... dont think.

Your motivation will come back.

Your son needs you.

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But I still don't know if I will ever see him or not.

Oh yes you do- You know if you don't get your life together, you most certainly will not see your son again.
No father and son ball games, no Christmas plays where he sings Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is coming to town, no birthdays where you can be God in his eyes by getting him that BB Gun he wanted that Mom said No to because he'd shoot his eye out,No going to school to have lunch with your son Father/Son day, no none of that- all of it gone.

And for what ?
A party with women who could care less who you are, they don't need to know what your hopes and dreams are, they aren't there for anything real.

That's worth losing Hero status???
I think not.

Whether you know it or not, your son will need you.He will NEED you - it will take you being a man to teach him how to be a man.
You are the most important influence in his life.

Now you may miss these first few months- that is a real possibility.
BUT THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE ,THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE
of EVER being there for future months is to stay out of the baggie-

Is it worth the price you are paying?
Is it?

Is it worth your son growing up without his Hero?

Do you realize that? In his eyes, you will never do wrong- never-
You will always be his Hero.
There is only one you- You are his ONLY FATHER.

If that isn't reason enough to pull out of that bag of hell then what is?

You run away, you lose your son, and you will never stop regretting it.
It will haunt you for all of your days.

You can do this- I know you can.
Put your son's picture on everything- paste it all over the house.
Blow it up to poster size ,hang it as wallpaper.

You do what you have to do to get yourself back there, to earn that life with your son.
He needs you.

Please don't give up or give in. Your son needs you (clean). If you stay off meth I guarentee you will be with your son again. Let him be your motivation. Your goal. Sons need their fathers. Things will get better all the time if you stay strong.

You obviously love and care about your son and want the best for him. The only way that you can give him the best and a shot at a good healthy life is for you to stay clean. If you are clean and put your life together your son will love you forever. Just stay away from the stuff and has ruined your life. Your son is probably better off not seeing you until you are clean and sober and that is what you need to focus on. Stay clean and sober and give your son the best chance at a great life.

see a psychiatrist.
get the right meds to balance your brain chemistry.

...and get back to us and tell us how much your quality of life has improved.

*smiles*

I usta think ...why should I live a long unhappy life , when I can live a short happy one.
it's not a tragity to die doing what you love.

I'm better now.
and I'm not using....thankyou adderrall.

Your wife DID care about what you were going through. And then like so many of us here, she decided that you didn't want to change, you didn't want to quit. She decided that she needed to do what was best for her and your little boy.

That little boy is ENOUGH to live for. You can have a life that includes him, but now, you must earn it back and it just doesn't happen over night. The trust that you lost will take some time to reclaim. You will have to do it by SHOWING that you can be trusted. It won't be easy or fast, but you can do it.

Parties end, people get burned out, they leave and go home and leave you with a mess to clean up or wallow in.

The happiness in a child's eyes stays imprinted in our hearts forever. If you want to be a part of that, STAY CLEAN. Join a program that is right for you.

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If I can't be with my son. Then why not....

Why don't you stay clean untill you know this answer FOR SURE. Then you can re-evaluate.

Remember, even if you can't see your son right now, this doesn't mean you can't see him after making some changes and showing the court that you have changed.

DO NOT just relinquish your parental rights. You may not have visitation allowed untill you can prove you've changed your life and cleaned up. But as long as you do not relinquish your parental rights, you can always take her BACK to court, prove you've changed, and stand an excellent choice to see your son and rebuild that relationship. But only if you stay clean. Might as well start working on that right now.

yup, yup, yup, and yup.

Why is it that you think your ex didnt care? Because she got tired of trying?

By the topic title you posted, it seems like you are questioning your quitting meth. To me this would be a life changing decision!
Whenever I am in a position to trying to make such a change I think of the positives & negatives. I have never used meth, so do not think like an addict, therefore what I am suggesting may not be on target. Maybe since you are a few days clean you can think more clearly. Now, lets see.....what if you remain clean, what will that get you???
okay, now what if you keep using, what will that lose you???
A few days clean may not get visitation with your son. DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS of staying clean WILL get you a LIFETIME with your son!!
Baby Steps, it's called Baby Steps!

You may love IT (METH).....but IT HATES YOU!!!

METH HATES YOU SO MUCH IT WANTS TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE!!! IT IS LIKE A TEMPTRESS, SEDUCING YOU WITH PROMISES OF PLEASURE WHILE ALL THE TIME HIDING IT'S TRUE INTENTIONS....INTENTIONS TO KILL YOU OR EVENTUALLY MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

JUST LIKE SOME INSECTS EAT THEIR MATE AFTER INTERCOURSE!!!!
AFTER THE PLEASURE COMES THE AGONIZING DEATH!

Meth hates your son too.....It wants to break his heart....to see the longing in his eyes, for a Father he may never have. Meth is so evil, it takes pleasure in breaking innocent childrens hearts! It takes from children, the comfort of their Daddy's strong and loving arms! It forever alters the lives of innocent children, whose parents are lost to meth. It takes oway the promise of who they could have grown up to be. It takes away their innocense....It makes them grow up taking care of their parents, rather than being cared for BY their parents! Anything that hurts children as meth does, is pure EVIL!!!

The Bible confirms this.....I can't quote it exactly, but it says something like....."Whosoever harms the least of these my little ones, is worthy that a millstone be tied around his neck and he be drowned in the uttermost depths of the sea!"

Take that damned cursed wretched meth, and drown it in the uttermost depths of the sea....and never look back! It hates you, it hates your children, it hates life!!! It does it's best to destroy those things that you once held dear....fight it with all your might!!!!

My son will never see his father again because it killed him. 4 years old and has no idea that his father loved him sooooooooo much, just as you do, because he would not stop using, and used the idea of losing his son as an excuse to use and use and use till it killed him. Don't do that to your little boy.. he needs his daddy, like you'll never never understand.

wow, does this guy sound like my ex.
Hell, it could be....

Maybe I can help you understand your ex wife's point, if you are ever going to post again...
I can tell you that if you don't stop, your son will never forgive you; just like my ex never forgave his father for what he did to him....and he blames his addiction to meth (sometimes) on him....

Think about that...

Thank all of you for the motivation. That's the reason I'm here. I know I need help with my addiction. I know that most of you have been here before. But only one thing could make me feel better at this moment. Temptation is every where. But I don't have much power to over my weakness. Some people find god or higher power. But I don't believe in this type of imaginary icons. But I'm here seeking help and wisdom from people like me. I will remain here and use all my will power to overcome this issue. I know if I make the call. Then I choose death over life. Any ideas on how much I need to sleep after being awake for an entire month?
Since Monday, I sleep and eat. I read this forum for my motivation. Then I go back to sleep. That's it. I'm up for about an hour at a time.

hi there,i just wanted to let you know i feel your pain right now.i have been clean for 4 weeks,prior to that last use,i had gone 2 months.at some point i remember packing a few things for myself,asking my daughters dad to keep her for an undetermined amount of time,left a note for my mom that i was leaveing my son w/her,and planned to just get in my car and drive.where,i didnt know,just wanted to start over somewhere.i couldnt cope,couldnt handle anything.i had never done anything remotely that crazy in my life.i turned around,called a good friend and spent the night at her place.i never followed through,thank god.but when your comeing clean,its a roller coaster of emotions.just know that,ride it out,youll be up and down for awhile,but it will start to get a little better.i know for me it was good to wake up and see what i had done.i needed to feel the guilt and shame,because it meant i could feel again.hang in there please

It depends Imalone- just have to sleep as you can and see.
I've never stayed up for a month.
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Some people find god or higher power. But I don't believe in this type of imaginary icons.

Imalone, your higher power doesn't have to be imaginary.
It can be the power of nature - that is very real.
It can be simply believing you can do this.

I don't know who is right on the God issue- whether his/her name is Jesus, Mohammed, Allah, or Jehovah.
I don't know and really I don't care.

I know my strength comes from somewhere so I call it God.
I do believe we are all intertwined with one another and I do believe there is something after death-
But that is as far as I have gotten.

It doesn't matter which route you take as long as you end in the same place- meth free and on your way to recovery.

It doesn't have to be an Imaginary Icon,Imalone.
It can be as real as you want - Your love for your son even.
Now that is real and it is a higher power.

BTW, do you ever check your inbox?
I had sent you a couple of pm's and was curious as to whether you got them.
Just click where it says Inbox under your user name on the top right hand side of the page.

Today, tell yourself that Just For Today, I will not use. Then you wake up tomorrow and tell yourself the same thing, and eventually, you and your life will recover.

Imalone, I just want you to know that I'm rootin' for you to beat this thing. You've got friends here - you just keep posting. God bless you and your family!

Jayme

Imalone, your higher power can be anything that you can feel a connection with and power from. Maybe it's the love for your son? I've heard of people having a special piece of jewelry that was special. Maybe something from nature? You get to choose your higher power. No one else can do that for you.

I hope everyone is correct. Will my life really recover. Or have I screwed it up beyond repair. All I want is to be a good fahter and hold down a job. Not much to ask. I've been reading the post during my short periods of awareness. Just getting the motivation I need. Thanks to you all

OHHHHHH IMALONE. You Most definetly CAN RECOVER. That little negative thought is just a lie ... our heads will do anything to keep us stuck in the miserable trap.

I thought my life was beyond repair too. I mean for crying out loud ... I had managed to escalate my using all the way up to using a needle .... had been doing that for 3 years before I got clean.

My life was an utter and complete lonely mess.

But in 7 days I will have made it ... 3 years with out any kind of drug, no alcohol, no jail, and I am working a full time job .... I have car again, I just got married.

I HAD NOTHING AND NO ONE left in my life by the time I got clean. It was SOOOOOOO scary. It was HARD. And it was painful at first. It would have BEEN SO MUCH easier to just continue on the way I was ... to just keep running and hiding in the meth world..... But it doesnt last forever.
At some point ... we have to face it all.

And even though it was hard, scary and painful AT FIRST.

I promise you it is SOOOO worth it.

You can recover. I promise you that it is not unrepairable.
It Just feels that way right now. And it might feel that way for some time .... but before you know it .. things will begin to work themselves out.
Give yourself that chance.

Give your Son YOU !!!!!

Hey Imalone!! I've gotten the younger girls in bed, I still hear them talking (arguing) about whether the door should be open or shut. I'll be leaving my house very shortly and will pick up a big bag of M&Ms for you.

We are going to work through this. I have complete faith in you. The last that I had was at your house Sunday night, when I scraped what was left in the straw and baggies. It wasn't much, but I don't plan to do anymore either. You know that you can call me at any given time and I will come over. We are FRIENDS and if you feel the need to make a happy phone call,then just call me. You are well aware that I could talk your ear off and cheer you up. I know how much you love your son and how he makes you feel. Be the man that you want him to grow up to be. You are showing your strength by being on here and asking for help.

Let's get strong and healthy together for ourselves and our children!!

I'll see you in a few minutes.
Love ya,
Allie

imalone, let me be brutally honest with you here.

You're going to feel like shyt for quite a while, months maybe. Maybe less, maybe more. Meth f's up your body, mind, and spirit. You're going to pay the price for a while, but the pain of meth withdrawal WILL PASS if you let it.

Of course, the way you will feel after quitting meth is NOTHING like you will feel if you allow meth to be more important that you own child for the next several years. Meth withdrawal doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it will when you miss your son's childhood, when you either don't know him at all, or only as a photgraph or a voice on the phone. You could run off, go west, and party your azz off until it falls off, because I promise you, it is going to fall off if you keep this up.

You can't have it both ways. decide what is most important, some chemical bullshit that some freak cooked up in a shed, or your child? You can't have it both ways. Which matters? Trust me, the selfishness of choosing meth over your own children is a kind of pain that never goes away.

How do I know? I know because I chose the party. I left my kids for the bag. I was away from my daughter and my son for a couple of years. They got bigger. They got older. They had likes and dislikes that I knew nothing about. I saw them on weekends a few times a month, but I wasn't there at the parent teacher conferences. I wasn't there for the Christmas Pageants, the field trips, the birthday parties. After that 2 years, my daughter came to live with me, and my son stayed with his dad and his stepmom (Who were also using.) He was 8 when I left, and 14 when he came to live with me. You do the math. I missed 6 years of my boys life. It hurts. He's been here almost 2 years, I've been clean almost 2 years, and it hurts like hell when I see his pictures as a little guy. It hurts when he says "Mom, do you remember when..." and I CAN'T REMEMBER. There is nothing else in my past that I haven't accepted. This, what I did to my children, is not so easy to accept. I can't get it back. I can't be at my sons 3rd grade Christmas Pageant. I can't be the one who threw him a cool party when he was 12, ever. I wasn't there. It hurts, and I can blame NO ONE but MYSELF.
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But I don't believe in this type of imaginary icons.

Whatever. Meth is controlling your life today - guess what? If it's in control of your life, IT IS A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF. You don't like God? How about the love for your child? is that a power great enough to help you stay clean?

If it is, then use it.

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Let's get strong and healthy together for ourselves and our children!!

Bravo Allie. Could you answer my ??? about when that person will be leaving your home?

Pen:
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There is nothing else in my past that I haven't accepted. This, what I did to my children, is not so easy to accept. I can't get it back.

The hardest lesson I ever learned: YOU DON'T GET A SECOND CHANCE WITH YOUR KID'S CHILDHOOD. ONCE IT'S GONE, BABY, IT'S GONE.

I don't think, as hard as I try, I'll ever forgive myself. My darling son forgives me, bless his sweet heart, but I haven't been able to yet.

Lori, my kids forgive me too. They tell me that if things hadn't have gone the way they did, they wouldn't have had their step brother or their step sisters (By the way, their step brother was shot in the head by a tweeker in March of this year. He was an innocent bystander, in the wrong place at the wrong time.) They are OK with it - or so they tell me.

Just because I have their forgiveness doesn't make my loss any less. Like you said, when it is gone, IT'S GONE. There are no second chances. Both of my kids are here now (My daughter is a "Grown Up" now,) but I still missed out.

imalone, hope you are listening.

Tweaking is a state that speed will put you in. Your not tweaking the moment you take that first rail. Face pickers are in the state of tweaking. I couldn't find my water glass for 6 hours. I was tweaking. I have a great example under a post named what is tweaking. I called myself tweaker. Also told you the real reason why we like it doggie style. Not to lookout the window. It's kinda funny. But true. I only have one reason to stop the madness. My son. But my x just wants the papers signed. She has always wanted to take him away from me. She has done anything to make it hard on me. It's just not right. I will choose death if I don't get to see my baby boy. But for now life with my son sounds best. I know I can't be a weekednd user any longer. I've went to far. But on the positive note I have'nt been this deep for a long period of time. I still can make it back. But just need the motivation to do so. My son is the motivation. Your stories are motivational. No mativation from icons. No mativation from fools that call their selfs counslers. I saw a counsler once. He was a church going fool.