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My husband is breaking my heart


bushbaby Am I enabling him by staying with him?

I feel so depressed today. I try to be more understanding to my husband but what about me. I feel like I am missing out on life because I have to take up the slack for everything he doesn't do. House cleaning, taking care of the kids etc. He goes out and does drugs and hangs out with whoever he wants.
What breaks my heart is that he blames me for how he is. In my head I don't think I am that bad of a wife. I work, take care of the house and try to please him. It hurts because we don't have the relationship that we should have. He acts like he hates me. I know what I need to do to get away from the abuse but this crippling emotional pain in my heart just doesn't give me the strength. Am I enabling him by staying with him?
I don't enable him in any other way. Last time I left him and he quit for a year. Then we got back on our feet and started doing good. I got comfortable and boom!
I've totally lost myself becaus of his addiction. I have to worry about CPS coming around my house because he beat the @#%$ out of me when he was coming down. I am hurting so much inside its almost killing me. I try for some support but no one cares. It's like everyone is too busy with their thing.

     Replies...
Draftmolly Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Oh Bushbaby... I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't be so hard on yourself. No matter how bad your husband's addiction effects you it sure as heck isn't your fault.

My husband and I were married for 8 years and he was a recovering but clean drug addict when I met him. He fell off the wagon REAL HARD just recently so I know exactly how you feel.

Find the strength to do what's right for you and your children. Trust me... they don't need a bad example for a Dad and you deserve better! Every human deserves to be happy, respected and loved and it's no crime to want those things and actively do what you need to do to make them happen in your life.

Family members need as much councelling as the addicts in their life so please, seek councelling! There are so many services available for free and you would benefit from being able to talk with others who are walking in the same uncomfortable shoes that you are!

Bless your poor heart, I pray you find courage and hope here on this website. It has been a God send for me and others.

nineyears
clean
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Hello Bushbaby and Welcome.

Well, if your life has been affected by meth, then you're in the right place.

If your husband is beating you up, then you're in the wrong place.

In my humble opinion. Muster up the strength to stand up for yourself, and I don't mean by physically fighting back, and to keep you and your children safe. No one is safe with a meth addict in the house who turns to violence. No one!

Quote:


he blames me for how he is.


All addicts blame their loved ones, or anyone else but themselves. It is a common trait amongst addicts. They do not, they will not take responsbility for their own addiction, so they blame anyone and everyone else. Even if you were the worst wife in the world, which I'm sure you probably aren't, it still would NOT be your fault that he is an addict. It can NEVER be your fault that he is an addict. Period.

My name is Lori and I was an active meth addict for 13 years. I have been clean over 9 years now. I know of what I speak. I have been there and done that. He may be able to fool you into believing that it's your fault, but he can't fool me. I know, and now I'm telling you, get that thought out of your head because using is HIS choice, and has nothing to do with you or what kind of a wife you are.

Quote:


I have to worry about CPS coming around my house because he beat the @#%$ out of me when he was coming down.


Here's my best advice: get him out of your house, or if he won't go, you take your kids and go. I hope you have family or a close friend you can stay with, but come on, nobody, but nobody should be beating the shyt out of you, and doing it in the same household that your children live in. That is just wrong, and you know it.
Quote:


I try for some support but no one cares.It's like everyone is too busy with their thing.


Okay, now you have come here and you're going to get support, love, encouragement, and you're going to learn alot about what family members and loved ones of addicts have been through and they will give you really good advice about what you can do.

I can't really give you that kind of advice because I was the addict. But listen, I'm telling you woman to woman, never let anyone beat you again, and do anything you can to make sure that it never happens again, by kicking is arse out or leaving yourself. Frankly, I'd call the cops, no ifs, ands or buts about it. He'd be in jail. He should be in jail. I don't care what his excuse is. He has no right to lay a finger on you in anger.

Please keep coming back. Like I said, there are alot of people here who have been where you are. We will help you through this, but you have to be willing to make some changes to keep you and your children safe. And, you have to be willing to stand up for yourself.

TnSkye Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

I agree with Lori. Once the hitting starts, it's time to get out. You don't have to file for divorce right away, but you do owe it to yourself and your children to be raised in a safe environment.

He isn't going to feel bad and quit without some type of treatment, not very likely. I know I wouldn't wait around and see.

Then you need to take care of you. You are not to blame for his addiction or his actions. He chose to try meth, meth chose to keep him. You aren't in that equation anywhere. Let go of that blame. You did not ruin this marriage.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Accept it.

nineyears
clean
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

TN:  

Quote:


He chose to try meth, meth chose to keep him.



I've never heard anyone put it that way. How true, how true!!

TnSkye Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

People tend to think that the addicts are choosing meth over them, that they should be able to quit at a moment's notice and I understand that it does not work that way. Yes, the person makes the decision to try it. After that, like I said, meth does the choosing.

It IS easier to blame the other person than to blame a drug or a disease.

Hemetchik Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

LISTEN there is not one thing wrong with you and the person whom he really hates is himself. Being an addict married to an addict (who is still out there) I know how hard it is to sit back and watch someone you care about destroy their life and all you want to do is help. I have been in both shoes and see a different side of addiction now. I also know how hard it is to leave someone you have children with when they continue to verbally and physically abuse you. It has to do with self esteem for me, I feel not one person would be able to love me with all my baggage. Try to figure out what YOU need now, for you and your children. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. When someone makes you feel unloved, unwanted and like trash...try to get ahold of the situation. Shelters or family memebers...is this an option for you?

I am sorry for your heartbreak, addiction is selfish and cruel.

another
family
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Welcome.

Yes, you are enabling him and you are codependent. Look it up on the internet and you'll be surprised to find out that being the martyr mother/wife isn't a healthy or normal thing. I know, because I did it myself for a very long time. For some reason I thought it was honorable to pick up all the slack...that doing everything from birthing babies to helping them with homework meant I was a good mom. Then I realized that I was not a good mom...instead I had helped engender a dysfunctional family that may someday affect my children's lives. It's not normal to be a single mother while married. Husbands are supposed to be home, supposed to pick up their own dishes, supposed to sleep in the marriage bed. That's normalcy. Don't settle for less.

The reason I am not with my husband is because he hit me, and because I know that he is not going to get off the stuff and we will always forever be playing the same roles. I feel that my children have suffered enough, and it pains me to look at the life they've led and how I allowed it to happen through my own denial and emotional crippling.

My soon to be ex husband still blames me for everything. I don't let it bother me, he can blame me until the cows come home. I know the truth.

Rachelsue
76
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Quote:


I try to be more understanding to my husband but what about me.


You have made a good start by coming here. I totally understand where you are coming from.
Quote:


What breaks my heart is that he blames me for how he is


I know that when you read what I am about to say, you are going to say to your self "Yeah right" but keep reading. Do not take it personally. You are not at fault for his addiction. You did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it, and you can not CURE it. HE is the one that chose to use, HE is the one that continues to use. I know how heart breaking it is when you are told that it is your fault.But, tell me, what is it that you could do different that would make him not use? The answer is NOTHING. He has to make the choice to not use. He has to decide that he is worth quitting for.
Quote:


In my head I don't think I am that bad of a wife. I work, take care of the house and try to please him.


You are not a bad wife. It is not you. I am sorry to tell you this, but, you are not going to please him enough for him to stop using. Towards the end of my husbands using, he would tell me over and over, " This is not about you. It is about ME" And you know what it was the truth. Yes, it hurts like hell. Yes, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and stomped to death, But it is not your fault. You are not the reason that he uses. He will keep blaming until there is no one else to blame. When he was first using and I was clueless that he was using, EVERYTHING was my fault. I knew something was not right so I started looking aroung the internet about different things. When I knew for sure that he was using, I told him I knew and that I was not going to take the blame for all the stuff that he had told me was my fault. It was his using that was creating our problems.
Quote:


It hurts because we don't have the relationship that we should have. He acts like he hates me.


You are right, you do not have the relationship that you should have, but that does not mean that it will never be that way again.
It wasn't that he hated me, he just loved his meth more.
Really I think that you should go there and read some of the answers to the meth related questions.
Quote:


I am hurting so much inside its almost killing me.I


I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you feel. Please keep coming back here. We care. We know what you are going through. We will be your support system.
I am sorry that this is so long. I can just really relate to where you are coming from. Your life sounds a lot like it was for me before my husband got clean.

nineyears
clean
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Great post Rachel. I'm sorry for your pain. Meth does that.
Quote:


has to do with self esteem for me


For me, it was all about self-respect. R E S P E C T.

I had low self-esteem from the moment I was conceived, I think.

Self-esteem, self-respect, were foreign to me, for most of my life.

I'm sure that had everything to do with everything that has happened to me throughout my life. My hard life.

Sometimes, we don't get that from our childhood, be it from our parents, or teachers, or other adults who go in and out of our lives. We are lacking. So, we make bad choices.

It's all about self-respect.

xrt Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

As other people have written here addicts who are not in recovery blame other people for their addiction. Their lives are not falling apart because of the drug. Their lives are falling apart because of you.
Additionally addicts have intense shame for their addiction. The best way to avoid the shame is to blame someone else. A psychiatrist I went to see who specializes in addiction medicine told me that in his experience methamphetamine addicts blame others the most of all the addicts he treats. As soon as I became aware of my partners five year methamphetamine addiction he started the process of blaming me. I was the cause of his addiction. I was his trigger. I would not have any of it. He avoided me because I confronted him with honesty. My advice is to educate yourself about meth and what it does to the brain and behavior. What you are experiencing is absolutely typical. Educate yourself so you can protect yourself and your children.

blueangel
40
Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Hi bushbaby, The best you can do is start looking out for yourself and kids, Being addicted to meth is in no way an excuse to beat on you. You say you left him for a yr and he quit useing but now he,s back to useing. my advise is leave him again and for good this time. Noone has the right to beat on you for any reason whatever.The only one that can help him is himself and dosent look as if he,s willing to do that. Untill he decides to get help and change (if ever) he will continue to treat you badly. My husband used for yrs but now has been clean over 2yrs and he was horrible in his treatment of me during his useing yrs and sometimes i ask him why do you hate me so much? he just would stare at me like i was the crazy one but never did he ever beat or hit me. please just let him go you cant help him or save him only he has the power to do that. My heart goes out to you and yours.

imlostinky Re: Am I enabling him by staying with him?

Quote:


what about me


Hi Bushbaby and I too agree with everything other have written.

What about you?
You are a wonderful wife, a wonderful mother - a wonderful woman- what about you?

What do you deserve?

Better than what you are getting for sure.

There is NEVER a good excuse for his beating you up- it is never okay.
You are his wife - not his punching bag, not his whipping post.
His wife.
And he is not being a very good husband.
Not at all.

He quit for a year- goes to show once again that abstinence is not recovery.
Obviously, he didn't learn what he needed to recover.
He just let his addiction sleep for awhile.

You can not save him- It is not your fault.
You did not cause it- you can not control it- you can not cure it.

His addiction belongs to him.And only him.
He is the only one to blame for his behavior.

If you can not find the strength in you to do what you must to protect yourself and your children, then find it in your children.
Do it for them - Children learn what they see and not what they hear.
You can never be a good enough mother to erase his behavior.
Not in their minds.

As much as it kills you to be treated this way, it hurts them more.
You are their mother- they adore you.
It crushes them to see you treated this way.
It hurts your babies to have their mommy hurt.

If you can not do it for yourself then do it for them.
Quote:


I try for some support but no one cares.


Plenty of us care- your children care.
Now it is time for you to care.
You are important- You matter.
You do not deserve this. And neither do they.

We are here for you anytime.


See also:

I think my husband continues to use Meth

Husband / Boyfriend Use of Meth

My husband hates my attitude towards his meth addiction


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