KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Is boyfriend addicted to Meth? He says he doesn't crave it

chick peakiwi	Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? I have been lurking around this message board for the past week and have learnt so much about meth use and abuse. I am so glad I have found you all. I have known my boyfriend since I was at high school but we lost contact when we left school and after 16 years we met up again due to an oldfriends website. We reconnected & rekindled the old love we had it all seemed perfect and that fate had bought us together. The downside is he has a drug habit that he has never hid from me since getting back together (meth use) (I always knew he was a pothead) but when he dropped the bombshell on me that he was smoking 'P' or meth I was shocked! I have never experimented with drugs except the occassional joint when I was in High school) and my policy is NO to any form of drugs (I do drink alcohol but that is it) I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he told me he has been through the BAD of the drug and that he has little interest in it now and would never go back there. He explained he had been using for 3-4 years on & off. Right from the early stages of our relationship I told him that if his "old habits" f**ked things for us ..there would be no more "us". Anyway I have discovered that he is still using (not an extreme amount just occasional), he tells when he has or does. I have tried to turn a blind eye but I am finding I just cant anymore. He is what you would call here a "functional user" but I have told him that it is what happens after the 3 days of being on the go THAT IS THE PROBLEM. He is a different person, I have become obsessed with this drug and I am trying to learn so much about it as a NON USER living with someone who is addicted. After reading many post here I see many traits & characteristics that he has he is like the text book version..right down to the candy eating (it is constant) and I thought he just had a sweet tooth. We have only been together for 5 months ...very early days and two days ago he went to see a family member who is also a user(addict) and was offered a smoke and he took up the offer he said he couldnt say no because the cousin wanted company blah blah. I woke up at 3am to see he didnt come home when he said he would with this explanation...says he wont do it again is so sorry has told his cousin not to offer again as "girlfriend" dont like it etc...I feel so low at the moment. I have told him I cant decide what to do...continue our relationship or to let it go. He said that is my choice, he says he will not stop smoking it period but swears he will never NOT come home late at night again and abuse my trust! He makes the excuses and thinks he doesnt have a problem because he smokes it rarely and is doing no harm. The worst part about it as I told him why I dont like his use...it is what happens the days later...no sleep & motivation is killing our relationship. He likes to turns things around manipulate the facts every time I bring up the subject (in denial in a big way) everyone he associates with USE...I could well be the straightest person he has ever known! I said he has a choice to not use at all (I dont care that he uses once in a blue moon). Basically it is me or the drug. I told him I have standards, moral & values that I wont disregard in order to save our love! I told him to see it from my angle...look at what he is asking me to give up and look at what I am asking him to "consider" giving up..there is no negotiation from where I sit. I am at a lost, is he addicted? he says he doesnt crave it...to him it is like having a beer with the boys (a social thing)? He says yeah I'm a user but I am not an abuser..what the hell does that mean? Can someone please give me some advice is this a load a crap or am I setting myself up from a rocky ride? Should I get out now or try & work through this? I do love him and want to try & understand his feelings about the drug but a drug is drug. I feel guilty that I still want to give him a chance Any thoughts?
Replies...
Rachel sue76	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Hello and welcome. *Quote:* He says yeah I'm a user but I am not an abuser..what the hell does that mean? This means that he is full of shyte. *Quote:* I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he told me he has been through the BAD of the drug and that he has little interest in it now and would never go back there. What he said with his mouth and what he is doing are 2 totally different things. Maybe he was at the bad part of it and maybe he got a little bit of abstinence under his belt and thought he could try again and that it would not be as bad this time. Give it time, it will. *Quote:* says he wont do it again is so sorry has told his cousin not to offer again as "girlfriend" dont like it etc. Translation: Blah Blah Blah. When is she going to shut up and leave me the hell alone? Then he blames it on you not liking it? Excuse me but he said that he was the one that was not going to do it again. Now he is going to play it off that it is your fault that he can not use. *Quote:* he says he will not stop smoking it period but swears he will never NOT come home late at night again and abuse my trust! There is your answer right there. He says he will not stop smoking it. That says it all. If you want to live your life in a law abiding and happy manner, he is not the man for you. He told you flat out that he has no intentions of quitting what so ever. *Quote:* He makes the excuses and thinks he doesnt have a problem because he smokes it rarely and is doing no harm. Define rarely? Does he think that ending your relationship because of it is harm? *Quote:* He likes to turns things around manipulate the facts every time I bring up the subject (in denial in a big way) everyone he associates with USE. Are you still buying the "functional" addict line? All his friends are users and he has no problem? Yeah, he is so in denial. *Quote:* I am at a lost, is he addicted? Can he go with out it for lets say a month? You guys have been together for 5 and a half months right? How often would you guess that he has used in that time? Nice to meet you. Sorry it is here.
sick and tired77	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? *Quote:* he says he will not stop smoking it period And why not? Because he is an addict! *Quote:* He makes the excuses and thinks he doesnt have a problem because he smokes it rarely and is doing no harm. It really doesn't sound like he only uses rarely. Truth be known, it's probably happening much more frequently than he admits to you. He is an addict in denial. The drug IS doing harm... he just can't see it from where he's sitting. *Quote:* He likes to turns things around manipulate the facts every time I bring up the subject Meth addicts are masters of manipulation! *Quote:* look at what he is asking me to give up and look at what I am asking him to "consider" giving up..there is no negotiation from where I sit. He is asking you to give up your values... you are asking him to give up something that anyone (who isn't an addict) knows would be what's best. You're right in your thinking-- don't let him try to twist it! *Quote:* I am at a lost, is he addicted? A great big YES! *Quote:* He says yeah I'm a user but I am not an abuser..what the hell does that mean? It means he is in denial. *Quote:* Can someone please give me some advice is this a load a crap or am I setting myself up from a rocky ride ? Be prepared for a rocky ride. Things won't change until he commits to quitting on his own terms. He won't do it FOR you (or FOR anyone), he has to decide HE wants to quit before anything will change. *Quote:* Should I get out now or try & work through this? My opinion? I would get the heck out of dodge! But... that choice is yours & yours alone. I can't tell you what to do, but can tell you that loving an addict isn't easy. It's the absolute opposite. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please stick around, keep reading, & keep posting. Welcome to the board!
Triskyes	get out while u can Hey ..sorry to hear that ua re going threw what u are. In 2002, i met this guy as well, it was like love at first site. We moved in together and things were great, I got pregnant in Oct 2002, and found out he was a "meth head" in december (found mirrors and razor blades hidin unfer the sink) I asked him about it, and he said the same as yer bf .. hes a user, not an abuser. Well needless to say, he would go out for 2-3 days at a time, was constantly cheating on me. He hit me the first time when I told him I was pregnant. I used to be a meth head too, got hooked on it when i was 14.. Od'd in 1996 (i was 16) and I havent touched it since. Anyways, I know how hard it is to get off the drug, so I stuck with him, telling myself that he wasnt doing anything he did to intentionally harm me, that things would get better. Things did NOT get better, they got way worse. The final straw was May 16, 2003 (I was a lil over 7 months pregnant) He took me to some of his buddys house, apparently he was wanting to be in their "gang" and in order for that to happen , all the members (5 of them at the time) was given permission from him to "have their way with his woman" The next day he beat me up so bad that his mom had to take me to the hospital. That was the day I left him. Him and constantly argued about him using (as u mention u and your boyfriend did too) I've learned from experience that when u are with a user, u will NEVER come first, Meth will always over power u. I cant and wont tell u what to do, and im not saying that what happened to me will happen to u, but please think long and hard about your decision. I know u love this man, but really. if he is as much in love with u as u believe he is, he will choose u over the meth. Let him know that u love him, and will stand behind him getting help no matter what, if he still won't come clean, than I would get away while u can. Trust me hun, as long as he is using, things will only get worse.
JUST CATS	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Hi! Welcome to the board. I am newer to this site too. I think educating yourself is the best thing that you can do for yourself right now. Lesson #1 about an addict, from my experience is that they will look you in the face and LIE, LIE, LIE. I have been where you are. My exfiance SWORE to me, looking me in the eyes, that he was NOT using. It was a load of crap. He is currently sitting in jail, because of meth. I found out that he WAS using, and he was using, big time. He has had seizures, and he has thought he was having a heart attack, and he would lie,cheat or steal, to get your last dollar to buy meth. I hate to say it, because I know that it is not what you want to hear: But you are headed for alot of heartache, and if I knew what I know now, I would have ended that relationship from the get go. I know that your bf says that he does not crave meth and is an occasional user, but I somehow do not believe that. Even if he were and "occasional user," he WILL sooner or later turn into big time user. The choice is yours, and it is a hard one to make. I hung on, until I could do it no more. I was with my exfiance for 8 years, the later years he was on meth. It is hard seeing someone that you love, with all of your heart kill themselves and ruin their lives. You, however, have come to the right place. These people at this site are WONDERFUL!
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Thank you all for giving more insight into how a user thinks. I know in my heart that what you have all said is probably true. Everything you say makes so much sense. I thought about giving him ONE more chance, what the hell...I hinted to him that the NEXT time he F**ks up then we are over..he agrees and says that is a great incentive blah blah..probably more lies to bide his time!!! I have no-one else I can turn to...my family know nothing, my friends no nothing. I am living in the closest. P use here in NZ (meth)is the talk of the town and we are constantly bombarded in the media with it. I feel sick in the stomach when people around me bring up the subject. Now that I am more aware of the signs that someone is using I am constantly observing everyone around me wondering are they or arent they..they are showing typical signs..etc I'm obsessed!! A girl I work with is rumoured to be an addict....I can now say from what I know from coming here and living with one I could say that YES she is probably a user. This situation is really taking its toll on me. I have been cold with him for days now and all he can say is "how long am I going to act like this towards him"!!!! How selfish can one person be...I say how long will he insist on using!!!! He just gets shitty and tells me to drop it!! What, drop the way HE is making me feel. I come to work and my thoughts are consumed by what he is choosing to do. I tell him I say these things because I love him & do not want him to suffer from any harm....they really do live in a bubble. I know what I need to do...walk away. Lucky I am strong enough person to do something like that. Previosuly I came out of a 14 year relationship (emotionally abused & lied to) and said to myself I would never let anyone ever make me feel as low as he made me feel EVER again....so I now need to listen to my own advice and get OUT and Move on now before it is too late. A second chance is about all he will get from me and we all know the outcome of that.
TnSkye	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Welcome to our forum. Well, he flat out told you that he would not stop smoking it. Now, read stories from other addicts and read stories from spouses. See where this man will be in his addiction in another year, in 5 years, in 20 years. Is this the life you see yourself being a part of? I was married and lived with my addict husband from 1992 until 2004. I learned to accept his addiction and all that goes with it. I decided that we could have a family and let him be a 'part time, non-contributing member.' This lasted until he started carrying guns and knives. That scared me enough to kick him out. You can live with an addict and keep your morals, values, integrity, etc, but you really have to work at it because it is so easy to give ourselves away to this addiction. Keep reading and learning. Make your decisions when you feel you have enough information to do so. As long as he isn't physically violent. If he's ever violent, my advice is to RUN.
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? No he has always been a gentle kind person (even when we dated at school) and when using displays this same nature..thankfully. What confused me the other night is the fact that I told him I didnt like the "tweaker" is that correct ..days after using...he was tinkering so much last night (on the go), and he came to bed but did not sleep I waited for him to sleep but was so exhausted I fell asleep so I dont know if he did snooze or what when I woke early he was not in bed he was playing his X-box..great! He says he can "control" the things I say bother me...what happens the days after..then I say what the no sleeping..oh please!!
TnSkye	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? The only time my husband is nice is when he's using too. When he's abstaining, he's a monster. My husband uses small amounts several times a day, just enough to get by. Well, now he uses alot alot. I've heard he's gotten quite bad lately. We went on a short trip to Memphis. He tried to go without. He slept, had a headache, had a stomachache. I ended up taking our daughter shopping and that's all we did that weekend. About a month later, we went to Nashville. Every bump in the walls was a camera recording us. He took his gun and a huge knife. He bought us each a whistle and for himself a whistle and body alarm. He had alarms for the windows and doors in the suite. He constantly checked these bumps in the wall, he checked out parking lots, when we were driving he thought someone was following us, he questioned me about off the wall things. Scared me to death. I was afraid that somebody may really be after him and may hurt me or our daughter to get back at him. This HAD happened before. That's when I kicked him out. But while I was with him, like I said, I learned to accept everything about the addiction, even the self-satisfaction part of it.
k8kan guru	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Hey there Neighbour, My partner (also a recovering addict) is one of yours but we've forgiven him that since he's been here nearly 20 years. He says P is a really big deal over there, although most of his mates are now old enough to have given it up or they're dead. You've come to the right place if you want to educate yourself about this sh!t and get great support.
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? K8, thankyou so much. I have discovered he is cheating on me. He didnt deny it. I didnt let on how I found out because then I dont feel like I would have the power to control his lies & denial (I will be keeping a watchful eye). That probably wont make any sense, but trust me I am in a position where I can be in control of any doubts I will have later I guess. Your old post has helped me I now know how I will approach our relationship from here on in. I will use your sound advice and not use the drug as an issue but tell him I need to recover from all that it is doing to me & to us. Not blame the drug but tell him exactly what you suggest...the list of things I want out of the relationship...and everything else you mentioned. I'm feeling a bit better now. Once I can except that I have done all I can now, not ending on bad terms but giving him all the reasons why he should look inside of himself for answers I hope I do him a favour. It is a confusing feeling this loving someone who is lost within themselves but you have helped me so very much. I am a strong person and know I will get through this for my own sanity. Whatever & wherever he ends up, be it the bottom (where he has been before) or come out on top is up to him and him alone....I truly understand what is said on the messsage board when people say "they" have to want to stop and get healthy...no-one can help them. Not even the one person they hold in their heart. Be it their mother, sister, daughter or soulmate. Thanks again K8...I am so glad I found this place. The support & understanding I feel from being apart of this community is comforting.
25 years but no more	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Welcome to the board! You asked: *Quote:* He says yeah I'm a user but I am not an abuser..what the hell does that mean? It means that he is an addict! A rocky ride is putting it mildly. Living with a meth addict is no fun at all. When he says that he will never come home late again he really means it at the time that he says it, but trust me it WILL happen again. I would ask him to make a choice, and if I found out that he was still using then I would leave. Otherwise, he will take you down with him. That is just the way that meth is. I hope for your sake that you can work things out with him. You may want to consider telling him about this website, so that he can see what meth does to people who say that they are a user and not an abuser. Any meth user is an abuser no matter what they say to the contrary. Since he says that he can live with it or with out it, just tell him that if he wants to have a life with you, then he needs to live without it! Good luck.
nine years clean	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Hi Chickpea and welcome. I'm glad you're here, but sorry for why. Methamphetamine addiction, which occurs most often after first, second or third use, generally, is progressive. It cannot stay status quo. It grows in intensity with each use. He has no control over that. It is the nature of the addiction. *Quote:* I told him I have standards, moral & values that I wont disregard Please, please, please, for your sake and the sake of your future children, DO NOT give these things up, or compromise them in any way. These things do not exist in the life of a meth user. *Quote:* Should I get out now or try & work through this? After only 5 months, GET THE HELL OUT. *Quote:* a drug is drug. Yes, sweetheart, a drug is a drug, and this drug is, in my opinion, the vilest out there. My name is Lori and I was addicted to meth for 13 years; I was a mom and a wife and a professional and a member of my community. I lost it all. I even went to prison. It is unfathomable to me now everything I gave up for meth. No person in their right mind would have given up the life I had. Meth grabs ahold of you and does not let go. You are in for a ride to hell if you stick with someone who has already declared that he will not stop.
Time4 Change	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? *Quote:* I needed to read this, as my situation has just got worse overnight. I have discovered he is cheating on me. This what you have to look foreward to with a meth addict. You've experienced the rollercoaster in 5 short months. Do you honestly think it will get any better? Unless you want to subject yourself to a life long battle of this NOW IS THE TIME TO BOLT!
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? I thought I would update you all here on my current situation. I posted here a few weeks ago for the first time confused,unsure, devastated, worried, hurt and ANGRY about what had become of my boyfriend and our relationship. I got myself educated about this evil and lurked around here some more to listen to other stories & advice. I come to this board now though not for advice but for comfort and in a way to seek councelling for ME. I ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 months, my sweetheart, the man of thought I would spend the rest of my life with, my ratbag (K8 sorry I had to use it) It hurt like hell to ask him to leave and to walk away from him, but the advice and stories I read on this board gave me a realisation of what my future would hold and I kept saying to myself I am better than this, I dont want a life like this. I entered this relationship to have a better & brighter future, we were going to start a whole new life together! Well our little fairytale never did have that happy ending we were hoping for, if anything we both got the memory of eachother that we use to talk and dream about together. I hold no animosity towards him and I will always carry my love for him in my heart. I will never forget the time we had together, the bad times made me a stronger person. He has only come to the realisation that I will not give him another chance and has no choice but to accept the way I feel. I offered him the help & support, tried to offer phone numbers etc for support groups...he admitted that he had F**ked everything and lost his second chance with me, and all he could say is that he hurts for all he has done to me & us. It has been 11 days since I saw him. Our contact has now stopped for now, I am now waiting for him to relocate back to Australia (well that is his plan) so I can move forward with my life. This whole thing is just tragic, but I had to do what was best for me.
mom mab38	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? As bad as u feel right now, u must know u done the right thing. hang in there girl, because life Will get better.
click mom	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? omg chickpea...we are living similar lives atm. I found this board only a few short weeks ago, struggling with the same exact issue you are. I'm trying to learn all I can about it and then I take a break from it because it becomes SO overwhelming. Do you have instant messenger? Maybe we could talk one to one and offer some support? Or just talk here on the boards....just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
click mom	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Whoops I just read the entire post and didn't see your last one about you ending things with him....I haven't done that. Still struggling....as I have other issues as well.
nine years clean	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? *Quote:* I come to this board now though not for advice but for comfort Ah, sweetheart, come here. Let me wrap my arms around you and rock you gently and tell you that you did the right thing for YOU and everything is going to be okay. Because it is going to be okay. You're a smart young woman. I salute you.
k8kan guru	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? Nine wrote: *Quote:* Because it is going to be okay. You're a smart young woman. I salute you. You got that right for sure, Nine. I have spoken to Kiwi on the phone a couple of times and (apart from the fact thet she his thet shocking Kiwi accent ) she's a really smart girl and she IS going to be ok. We were talking the other day about what a laugh it is that our stories all seem so similar, it's as if our addicts all go out and buy the same book and use all the same standard lines for excuses why they use speed and the "have me back" text messages etc. She was thinking about posting on this board some of the messages she'd received from her fella and I said "Don't bother, just go back a few weeks and you'll find Silly Veronica posted them already." It's good to be able to laugh with someone else about situations that otherwise would have you bawling your guts out. But what really struck me about Chickpea the Kiwi is that she's not sick yet. She hasn't been stuck in that relationship with her addict long enough to become all messed up, bitter and twisted and broken. She still knows she deserves a whole lot better than being lied to, cheated on and playing second fiddle to a drug in her man's life. It was really refreshing to speak with someone who has had a scrape with loving an addict but got out before the serious injury and should be fine with some first aid, TLC and a few band-aids. She still loves her man and there are going to be soem tough times when she needs our support but what is beautiful to see is that she loves herself enough not to allow his addiction to emotionally cripple her as well. I salute you you too, neighbour! Call any time you need a cuppa and some anzac cookies. Note: Before anybody starts defending The Chick for my 'vicious attack' on her accent, please understand we share cultural similarities and she will know that my taking the p!ss is a demonstration of my affection for her.
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? thanks guys for your words of encouragment & support, I just had a little cry after reading your posts. K8 it is good to know Im not "sick" with this but I do feel a little damaged from this experience. I know I will heal & move on, just taking one day at a time. I am going through the "missing him" stage and I am fretting for him. You know you look around the house and see little reminders of him and just going to the supermarket seeing his fav cereal I use to buy for him or even seeing another car like his driving by, I take a glance but its not him. I listen to music he loved that we liked together -Guns & roses - Appetite for Destruction anyone. Worst part about listening & singing along with Axel Rose is that every other song is about DRUGS or SEX haha Coming to this board really is helping me. If it werent for this messageboard I'm sure I would be still living with my ratbag riding that rollercoaster. Working & keeping busy, trying not to dwell on things is helping too. I have my 11 year old son to keep me going (what a blessing) and have my friends and family to lean on. Also K8 I owe you, you really feel like my guardian angel wish I could give , your post "Run,stay,suffer" was all I needed to read to make a firm but hard decision to do what was best for me. I would urge anybody to read that post (K8 is this post somewhere permenantly?)if you are trying to make a rational decision to stay or leave be it that you have been with your addict partner for 10, 20 years or 6months. After reading that post I felt like I got my moment of clarity and my answer to my problem even though I didnt want to admit that I had no choice but to RUN. clickmom, if you want a chat or want to send a private email I will send you my address. I will inbox you.
chick peakiwi	Re: Boyfriend a meth user not an abuser? just read my message back and forgot to say I wish I could give you all a big group hug! Also K8 special big hugs for you!! Let me tell you all here how wonderful K8 the aussie is, she has gone out of her way twice for me in the past two weeks phoning me from Australia offering her ear and words of wisdom, you are my guardian angel AND I SALUTE YOU. You are a 'champion' with a funny accent too ha.