I know from experience that it doesn't get easy.
Though I'm a current/using meth addict, I've been clean and had to deal with
the pain of having 3 other addicts in my family. I've had the
opportunity to distance myself though. I live in the western US and the
rest of my family lives in the eastern US. BUT that still doesn't get
them out of my head. One of my family s died a few years ago from
abuse, the other 2 are in prison.
So you ask, why do I use?? Sheer stupidity! Maybe
I wanted a better understanding of how to cope or where they were coming
from. Now I'm an addict. I feel like I can't help them anymore because
of my use. Because they are locked up, I know they are safe and off the
streets at least. I use in part to numb myself from feeling anything -
most of all to get them off of my mind.
I don't know why I replied to your post. I guess
to share and maybe to let you know it could always be worse.... you
yourself could be an addict!
You can check with your state and see if there are
any programs offerin intervention. Re in the old days where a
family could have another locked up involuntarily? You can still
do that in some areas of the US. We did that with my sister.... she just
got worse though when she got out. Now she hates us.
I'll be clean and have to deal in the next couple
of days. Though I'm scared, I know I can do it. As far as the pain
associated with thinking of someone you love being an addict, I've
learned that doing the best you can do for them and knowing it makes it
a little easier. As long as you keep your door and your heart open to
them, the best you can do is move on with your life. (and stay clean in
my case!)
----WhoLetMeGetMe
Re: Can't stop thinking about it ............
I ask myself do I want to move forward or move
backward. I was so angry and it wasted my energy. So with therapy I
learned to look forward. Even with my cousin and her meth addiction. She has
lost her children and she acts like she had is a lost cause. I try and
re the good times and they outweigh the bad times. Anyway I just
feel moving forward takes less effort than looking backward. Does that
makes sense? Of course some of these thoughts do get in my head when I
see the house we once shared or the dog we got together (who is now with
him). But then I remind myself what is more important. Hope this helps.
Also take a deep breath and purposefully smile. For some reason that
reminds me of happiness
----macystiller
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
I am an meth addict ... I used for 10 years .... I have
been clean now for a little while ... & it just kills me that my mother
is doing this. ??????? It makes me sick inside & I just wanna stop
thinking about it so I dont have to hurt inside ......................
Here is what is on my mind that I cant stop
thinking about.
ANd this is what continues to happen. things are
fine for awhile or at least I am. But right when I find a moment of
happiness it never lives for very long ... and it gets snatched away
from me ... because there is my mom doing somethng that kills me.
And instead of continuing on with my happiness
(planning a wedding) I heart ache over what is going on with her. ANd it
is always something new.
Last night around 11:00 I was leaving my future in
laws ... we had been busy making the invitations and stuff for the
wedding. And as I am driving down the street I See this truck that looks
like my moms cruise down the street at the end of the block ... i am
about 3/4 of a block away so can't really tell ... excpet she drives an
old chevy Pick-Up .... with the front left fender that is black and the
rest of the truck is white .... anyways I quickly speed up to see which
way it turns ...
Because just a few blocks over is one of the
BIGGEST TWEAKER HOUSE EVER ... I know because I used to Shoot up there
and party there for days on end ... I practically lived in the garage
with my fiance there ... the guy who's house it is used to be my
fiance's best friends house ... well it is still his house they just are
no longer friends. Some of the worst times of my using ... the most
terrible lowest times of my life were spent there .... things got really
really bad for Panch & I there.
Anyways so I see the truck and it turns in that
direction ... so I do to. then i see it makes another turn .... yup
still in the direction of his house. And then as i reach the TWEAKER PAD
.... SURE AS @#%$ it is her truck and the IDIOT if DRIVING and she is
Passenger..... so they see me. But i continute to drive to the end of
his block ... scrammbling for my phone because now I am shaking ... I AM
SO PI**ED & DISGUSTED !!!!!!!!!!
I am there for a few minutes .... and then I
finally get my brother on the phone so I drive back and am idling right
in front of the house and they are in the walk way about to go into his
house ..... my mom turns and is slowly walking up to the car ... and i
am talking to my brother (who btw isnt as upset as ME ......) I drive
slowly away from her because I dont even wanna see her face. then the
idiot starts to follow her ........ I pull away alll together ........ I
AM F’ ING SO PISSED OFF.
I called her and she answered I told her I hated
her .... and that I had called my brother and told him ... she says in a
snotty way ....... " told him what?" " I said what ever in the f’k I
gotta tell him is what I'll tell him.... Oh and BTW the way I am f’ king
calling the cops".......
And i did. i got a number and i left a message
gave them the guys name and address and gave them my phone number. I am
soooooo Over this CRAP !!!!!!
----angieNcali
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
My best friend always reminds me that the way I
feel is my problem. She says I need to let go more often. (Thus,
therapy, etc.) Anyway I think you need to let it go hon. Concentrate on
your wedding and your happy thoughts. A wedding is a big thing and you
should be happy. And proud that you are no longer using. Yes it's easier
said than done. Maybe try journaling your feelings rather than hanging
on to them. Or try stepping outside of the box and look at the situation
in a different perspective.
Anyway I hope you have a better day!
--Stacy
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
I do realize i need to let go. I do. And I say I
am gonna and then I try ....... But then something new happens..and it
is my Mother after all so it is a little difficult. It is hard for me to
just say .......
Okay I am getting married ... I'll focus on that
and not worry about my mom because after all it is my time to be happy.
it is hard when you LOVE someone soooooo Much. I am jsut sick inside.
it makes me mad ... that I have to let go of my
mom I should NEVER EVER have to be put in a position to do that .....
but I suppose i once did the same to her.
--angieNcali
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
No should not have to let go. But maybe letting go
is what needs to be done to help her! And also just because you let go
doesn't mean you dont love her.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I needed
to talk to someone. Your right. It doesnt mean that I dont love her. But
it SURE feels to me like it means .... THAT she Doesnt love me. I know
it isnt true but GOD it feels that way ............
Thank you again
--macystiller
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
I am glad I could be of help since this board has
really been helping me!
But I am trying to do the same with my ex and my
cousin and everyday I struggle. But I just say to myself is it worth it?
I love them no matter what! And I just decided that God can do the worry
for me!
So take care of yourself and your upcoming
wedding!
--macystiller
Re: It doesn't get easy.....
Hey Angie,
Oh I know the pain all to well of driving by and
seeing someone you loves car or even my car at the dope house. I was
just like you not to say that I don't still do it every now and then but
it is few and far between. I know where the houses are that he hangs
out. So I just avoid those street at all cost. It just upset me and I
have the same reaction but I would call him just to grip him out.
Usually I act like I don't know where he is and he lies about it. Which
just really pisses me off more. So for that situation I just avoid the
house so I don't have to see it. I know where he is but I don't make the
choose to drive by when I now it will just upset me more.
Well for me I know the weekends are when he is on
the go. So I try my best to stay as busy as I can.. That way it does not
give me much time to worry about them. Then by the time I am at home I
am exhausted and tried I don't worry what he is doing. We have been
having rough time here lately...I am getting more and more angry wanting
out and the feelings are coming hard and fast. But I plan my time so I
don't have lots of down time to sit and get upset.
Try not to go looking for the situation. Because
you already know what is going on..It is hard enough that we know but
don't search out the heartache. I know it is hard trust me I know. I
live it everyday. Stay stong all of it sticking together, pray every day
and hopefully they will reach rock bottom soon...
-- TenderHeart77
Re: Can't stop thinking about it ............
Angie, the heart ache never really goes away, you
simply learn to live with it and around it.
I say simply, but it is anything but simple.
Sometimes you have to let the anger come, the
tears, then you have to take a deep breath and do for yourself.
I know that for you, having been through it all
yourself during your own years of living that life, must find each event
more painful in that you know what she must be feeling, both the assumed
good and bad.
I won't say it will get better, but I will say
some minutes, hours and even whole days will be better...just as there
will be minutes, hours and days when you will hurt for her, be angry
with her and in turn wishing there was some way to get through to her.
Right now this man she is with fills some need for
her...she does what he does, goes where he goes...heading for her own
downfall from which she will have to bring herself up again, with or
without him. Just as you did.
I can only tell you to love her, but don't let
this love control your life...don't let your past experiences color what
you percieve hers to be. All easier said than done.
So cry when you need to cry, be angry when you
need to be angry, and learn to laugh again, because there are others who
love you also and need you. Just as you need them.
--Just Ol Ma
Re: Can't stop thinking about it ............
Thank you Ma ............
I know ... your right. But man this is a B*tch
....
ya know when you get sober ... your hoping and
praying ... and trying and working your a** off to leave that world
behind. That drug and all the pain and emptiness that goes along with
it. But that just isnt the case for i suppose.
I am done for right now thinking about it. I am
leaving for Chicago in 2 days I am gonna try & be excited about that.
I have never been on an air plane before so i have
exciting things to look forward to. Tierd of looking back
Thanks again Ma
--angieNcali
Re: Can't stop thinking about it
............
Sometimes it is a bitch being right...
There is one bright side to all this.
As much as it hurts, you are ALL here to feel
it...hon, it is all part of life...mostly good, but when it is bad it
sucks.
-- Just Ol Ma
