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What has meth taken from you?


known
fear1
What has meth taken from you?
This is not meant to wallow in self misery!

Prior to meth, I was a happy go lucky, fun loving person. I got along with everybody. I was never depressed. I let everything just roll off my back.

I was a talented cabinet and furniture maker. I loved fabricating things out of metal.... from art to race car frames and everything in between. 

I was a huge outdoors person, I loved to hunt and fish. I loved to go hiking. I had planned on hiking the apalachee trail from Georgia to Virgina.

I grew up showing horses and was one of the top 10 riders on the country. I was slated to compete in the 96 olympics for a demonstration event.

I had a full college scholarship riding horses and I blew that off.

When I was doing meth my wood and metal working exploded. I was building and making things that would blow your mind.

I hunted and fished every chance I got. I rode some but not as much as I should have.

When I quit meth, I quit everything I ever loved. Not by choice I don't think, but I just can not for the life of me make myself do those things again.

They are no fun anymore. I get lost in the details. I just can't seem to make things happen like I use too.

I can't get happy for any period of time, and I'm sure it's because I don't do the things that I love to do.

And even posting here at kci... I feel like a dumb ass most of the time. I just can't seem to find the words that I'm looking for.

I have so many things I want to say, but my posts are choppy, disorganized and the words don't spill out like I want them too. *sigh* 

Meth robbed me of myself!....... I robbed me of myself!

Meth took everything that I used to be.......... what has it taken from you?
rusty
dog
Re: What has meth taken from you?
For what it's worth, I think this is a great post, as are the rest you've shared with us. As for me, meth took a partner I loved, whom I really believed I'd spend the rest of my life with, even after I learned of the meth addiction. It took in excess of $20,000 in therapy and bills, 20 pounds off my weight (and I wasn't overweight to start...) probably a couple of years off my life from the stress of the constant chaos, and most importantly, my ability to TRUST. Thankfully, since I've been actively working on my own recovery I've gotten some of these things back. And I hope and pray that in time, you will regain some of what you've lost. You deserve to be happy. Keep reminding yourself of that.

shellof
adad

Re: What has meth taken from you?

My daughter.  The thing that impersonates my daughter is an alien.

known
fear1

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Yes sir, at this moment in time she is an alien, to you and to herself.

Not so much an alien but a slave..... a slave to meth.

Jsh714

Re: What has meth taken from you?
For a moment meth took away trust, my mothers sanity, and mine.

jg1985

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Wow, very thought provoking.....

What did meth take from me.......that's a tough one......since I never did meth.

But I would have to say.....it took a marriage, it took my house payment (more than once), it took my time, it took my trust, it took my ability to see the pretty in things.

I want to see the pretty in things, Travis. I don't know where it went. I lost it.

The honeysuckles are in full bloom.......the smell, when I let the windows down driving down the road, is amazing.......it must be what heaven smells like......I am convinced. I want to appreciate that again. One day........I will.

Sfj

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Looking at it another way,  It took almost everything good and it gave me so much that was bad.






(the block text is intentional)

Desperation, paranoia, STDs, hospitals, lost jobs, evictions, busted relationship, bills I can’t pay. Bill collectors, foreclosure, car repossessed, self-loathing, loss of dignity, loss of integrity, loss of friends, loss of self-respect, loss of self-control. Lawsuits, Fear. Sick thoughts of perverse sexual behavior.  SICK. Thievery, hanging out with bottom dwellers, crawling through trash piles, dumpsters, and dumps, debauchery, getting ripped off by dealers and so-called friends, sickly skin, speed bump skin, dental disaster, pain and suffering, panic,  hollow empty looking facial features, hiding from everyone and everything, ripping off those I love, urine in a jar  and piss in a  bottle, risk of liver and kidney failure, heart attack, stroke, riding to the hospital ER or morgue. Unable to think, unable to focus, horny as hell and unable to get laid, unattractive, ugly, smelly, looking weird, sick, deathly, putrid, premature aging, premature aches and pains, getting in debt to the connect, unable to cop, unable to get high because I’m too damned dirty, late for everything,  dope really doesn't work  much any more, people avoided me as much as I avoid them, long-time friends don’t want to see me or have anything to do with me, can’t go to the bathroom because my plumbing quit working due to meth addiction, more panic, more paranoia, hiding, turn off the lights so no one can see me, garbage hasn't been emptied in weeks, missing a vein and getting abscessed, lung disease, scars that won’t heal, sores that won’t heal but get worse, filthy living conditions, loss of humanity,   strung out on porn, too scared to commit suicide and to too desperate not to.  SICK.  Neurological devastation. Unending remorse, shame, and guilt.  Did I say SICK?
That's about all I can think of right now,  there's a lot more I'm sure, but it gets depressing just to look at this list.
known
fear1
Re: What has meth taken from you?
It is a long and depressing list...... one I get tired of thinking about, sfj

xxaddict

Re: What has meth taken from you?
I dont think it took anything from me. I changed because I did meth.

known
fear1

Re: What has meth taken from you?


That's kinda where I'm at. I know meth has caused most or all of this. It has sucked the ability to feel happiness and joy right out of me. It ruined everything that I ever did, everything that I loved to do, while on the drug.

But I put the drug in my system so actually I did all of this.

It's a rotten trick!

A substance that can cause so much pleasure no matter what you're doing, no matter how bad things are around you, then turns around and robs you of the ability to even feel the slightest bit of pleasure when things are going great.

xxaddict

Re: What has meth taken from you?
It does suck Travis. I know exactly what you mean. I still deal with all that shitt too. I have been told, and have experienced through my own efforts that if I want to enjoy something. Then Ive got to keep doing it until the joy comes back.

It works. Or at-least it has on some things. My problem is that what goes through my mind during those feeble attempts at regaining my joy of doing certain things is fuckk-it its not worth it.

I want that instant pay off. And I know it. But it dont work like that for me anymore. Ive got to work at it to get it today. And to be perfectly honest Im just not sick and tired enough of being sick and tired of it yet to do anything about it. So I just sit around feeling sorry for myself.

But I am getting better. Im starting to do things around the house now. I like to walk down to the pond dam and look back at my place. I can look at it with gratitude today instead of disgust.

known
fear1

Re: What has meth taken from you?
I hear ya man! It sounds like we're in the same boat.

I just get tired of having to force myself to do things that I use to do without ever having to think about it.

Things like riding horses, showing and training horses. I mean at 16 yrs old I was giving lessons to people twice my age and being paid to ride and show horses that cost 250K.

That is a god given gift and I haven't sat on a horse in years. But I want too! It just feels like pulling teeth to do so..... if I had any teeth left.....LOL

It's not that I don't have the opertunity because I've had offers. I uses to do it for fun and got paid to do so, but now it feels like work, and I'm just not interested.

That was me and I miss me!
xxaddict Re: What has meth taken from you?
Try doing things you never done on the shitt. And see how that feels. As unbelieveable as it is to me. I like going to the grocery store. I like just walking around town and saying hi to people.

By just going ahead and doing what few things I do enjoy doing. No matter how rediculas they seem to me. I have found out that their is joy to be felt.

It makes it a little easyer to try the old stuff sometimes. Like it or not I have changed. Might as well roll with the flow.

I need to keep telling myself that you know.

Sfj

Re: What has meth taken from you?
That's a really good quote.

It really is.

"It's a rotten trick!  A substance that can cause so much pleasure no matter what you're doing, no matter how bad things are around you, then turns around and robs you of the ability to even feel the slightest bit of pleasure when things are going great."

patch
ouliana

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth took away my SANITY

then, with that in tow, I had my children taken away from me and I cannot have them back. They moved in with my parents in 2005, and now I am not even allowed to see them anymore.

Meth took ME away from myself.

This has been one Mother of a hard road.

I always think I am walking this road all alone.

It feels like that a lot of the time, but I am not really alone.

My Goddess is always with me.

I have hope sometimes, and that's way more than I used to.

Lets all try to have hope.

Sir
Tweak
Alot

Re: What has meth taken from you?
For something whose name itself SPEED makes one think of instant gratification , It sure has taken up WAY TOO MUCH TIME for me

Waiting for it, usually in some gnarly alley in a part of town you'd otherwise never go.But there you are,a sitting duck in your car.....WAITING

Waiting , for the lunatic nut-job you're partying with to get off the weird tangent and break out some more.

Waiting for the meeting to be over so you can get your court card signed

Waiting till "its cool" to drive somewhere

Waiting for your connection to call back.

I mean, its ENDLESS and its the ultimate TIME KILLER. Tonight I came very close to slipping just shy of 2 years ....a "friend" offered some if I gave him a ride
but then it turned into "lemme just grab a pipe from my bro- it'll be like 2 MINUTES" and then there I was WAITING

Luckily I split....I don't want to be waiting anymore
Lives
With
Wolves1
Re: What has meth taken from you?
Travis,

I am a horse person (if you couldn't tell ... lol).
To train a horse and perform at the level you used to do when younger IS a lot of work.

I would suggest that you find a horse you can lease that you can just have fun with.
Have you ever tried Trail Riding?
Ride and Tie (riding a horse and running (or walking) on foot leading the horse)?
Ride to a fishing hole?

Riding can be very relaxing or it can be very demanding (as in training a young horse, dressage, jumping, eventing, etc.)

Try a different angle on it.

BTW - horses know when someone is on speed and most will buck you off.
You smell like adreneline and fear while on Meth.

My nephew.

Buried, death by suicide, at the age of 25.
Due to Meth.
once
apon
a time
Re: What has meth taken from you?
For me personally, I could go on and on about how much my Meth Addiction
took from me. In one lump sum, I’ll say almost everything. But I choice not to dwell
in that statement, although I will never forget , for fear of it ever taking hold of me again.

But what I do choice, is to look at what it hasn’t taken, and even in a odd sort
of way what it has given me. Most importantly for me, I still have my loved ones.
I still have my life. Things I came only seconds from losing. I have a determination
to give it all I got in the worst of time, a strength with in me that I never knew I had.

I have a power that I never had before, yes I learned it the hard way.
But I can now say NO now, were as that word was just that a word. Now
I know its also an action, and I can do it, and will when ever necessary.

My life will never be the same, but in my mind that’s not to say that’s a bad thing,
because my life isn’t bad anymore, it’s not great everyday, but it’s good for the
most part and it’s mine again, not the holds of some drug. For that I’m  most grateful. 

inebad

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Greg, Randy, Tom, Earl, Rus,Tony,Howard, Bear,Kevin,Patty and Evett  All dead do to drugs Thats what 35 years of use took away from me.

jokers
girl

Re: What has meth taken from you?
It took my friends, my sanity, and my family's trust. It gave me nasty cravings, a root canal and 3 fillings, and alot more compassion and empathy than I had before.

I don't think it was a very good trade. lol

(i'm better today though)

rborges

Re: What has meth taken from you?
You wrote: And even posting here at kci... I feel like a dumb ass most of the time. I just can't seem to find the words that I'm looking for.

I have so many things I want to say, but my posts are choppy, disorganized and the words don't spill out like I want them too. *sigh*

If it helps at all your not alone on this..I reflect boredom and posts lacking any depth...I'm like the guy that would be easy to forget...

What it took from me I got back by leaving it alone and working to make up for things I did....

The only thing I would say I can't get back is how my family looked at me..My kids can never say my dad never did drugs.
known
fear1
Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth took the level headed, easy going, nothing bothers me, great guy; and left a MESS!

A scatter brained, depressed, don't want to see anybody, don't care about anything, pile of crap!

The only thing that brings a smile to my face here lately is my son, he's amazing! and one particular person on this board. 
forget
suzette
Re: What has meth taken from you?
well, it's sorta like askin' me..."what did the gun you tried to blow your head off with take from you?"

.....welll I sorta stole the integrity of the gun. I used a very effective tool to strip myself of any special values

traveller

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth took you away from me.

And by that I mean all of you. All of the amazing living beings on this planet.

The moment the drug hit my system, a door slammed shut and I was instantly and irrevocably alone.

sadmary
landguy

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth took from me my partner, my house, my sense of safety and self, and a little of my soul. BUT, this journey has also been an education on empathy, strength, and compassion that I have found on here reading this board. I have a long road ahead to begin my life without my meth-addicted partner, but I have hope for myself and my future.

SIERRA
NIGHTS3

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth took my son. He is clean but he is not the same and I don't think he ever will be. It changed him greatly.

"Patchouliana" *hugs* hon.........................You are far from alone........but I know it feels that way.
1tamtom Re: What has meth taken from you?
my youth

freak
chick
3175

Re: What has meth taken from you?
my personality, i just dont seem to care about whats really important when im high...
my son, he moved back to NY with his dad.. he hated me when he left, hes just starting to come around
A LOT of money, i spend on average 60 to 100 a day...
my freedom , i got arrested for 3 counts of possesion a year ago and am on probation ( tho unsupervised, so i still get away with using)
my boyfriend, who i love with all my heart.. was going to leave me when he found out but then went with the " if u cant beat em join em " theory
and now im determined to quit and i dragged down the only thing i had left
my self respect and self esteem , there were times i would do anything to get high... literally
known
fear1
Re: What has meth taken from you?
Phoenix wrote....... "why do you believe that you are a "pile of crap"? "

I guess I feel like the "host" that traveller wrote about in another thread.

I feel like I introduced the "parasite" into my body and it consumed all the good parts and left the digested mess behind.

known
fear1

Re: What has meth taken from you?
LivesWithWolves wrote.......... "Travis,

I am a horse person (if you couldn't tell ... lol).
To train a horse and perform at the level you used to do when younger IS a lot of work.

I would suggest that you find a horse you can lease that you can just have fun with.
Have you ever tried Trail Riding?
Ride and Tie (riding a horse and running (or walking) on foot leading the horse)?
Ride to a fishing hole?

Riding can be very relaxing or it can be very demanding (as in training a young horse, dressage, jumping, eventing, etc.)

Try a different angle on it.

BTW - horses know when someone is on speed and most will buck you off.
You smell like adrenaline and fear while on Meth.

Yes mam you're right riding/training and showing like that was a lot of work. 6-8 hrs a day on the back of a horse and a lot of travelling. Sometimes as much as 18 hrs a day at big shows. But it didn't feel like work then!

I'm trying to get back into the horses. My parents live on a horse farm and still show. They have plenty of horses I can ride just for fun if I want too. I've just never enjoyed trail riding very much.

I always felt the most comfortable in the ring competing. The only time I enjoyed trail riding was on a young horse and using that as a "cool down" after training. It also helps them to gain trust and get over fears.

I'll ride again!

phoenix

Re: What has meth taken from you?
T, I'm guessing here, but it sounds like you are saying that you feel "stuck" with what meth left you behind as?

It's hard when we find ourselves in a place where time doesn't equal "moving forward" in our recovery path...


Here are a couple of ideas that I think I might like to try if I were in your shoes...


One....Get your teeth fixed.

It's been five years since you quit doing dope, your teeth are in bad shape and it sounds like you have the financial resources to have a Dentist rebuild your smile. Do it!

You have said before, that you keep them the way that they are to remind you of your past. That is probably not a great idea because look where it is getting you....Stuck.

You don't need to be reminded every morning when you look in the mirror of who you were five years ago. Besides, with change, we get to the point in our lives where we don't have to keep are past alive to maintain our recovery. Being "Clean and Sober", living life on life's terms and becoming happier with our lives becomes a natural result of who we have become.


Two...If we don't know what to do to make ourselves happier, then do something that makes someone else happier by volunteering your time and being of service to others.

Something that comes to mind is your participation and help in facilitating some kind of group that uses horses as part of a therapeutic program....

You said that trail riding young horses, "helps them to gain trust and get over fears"... Maybe you could use horses to teach people who might be mentally or physically challenged, disadvantaged children, or even people in recovery from addiction, how to get over their fears and help them to gain trust and confidence in themselves...You could literally change their lives!

http://www.google.com/#hl=en&q=equestrian+therapy&aq=3&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=equestrian+t&gs_rfai=&fp=ca804df6b427d280

That's just one idea or two...There are many more!

Hang in there T

danimal
55

Re: What has meth taken from you?
Meth didn't "take" anything from me that I didn't choose to sacrifice in order to live an illusion of self betrayal and self deception.
To assert that an inanimate pile of toxic crap has the ability to "take" anything from me is another example of self deception.

i.e. *I* Pucked Up (bigtime)....and if it wasn't meth, it no doubt would have been another chemical illusion that I would have prostituted myself out to.

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