KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Lack of trust = right to use meth?

mtgl7771	Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? I think I already know the answer but here goes: My husband had to "take care of business" yesterday. And that consisted of paying back money owed to his dealer because he wanted to get it out of the way. An hour later he calls and says he is at the church parking lot and is going to see if there is any prayer meeting or such. Figures he needs to be somewhere so what better place. He does ask me if I want to go but I had to make dinner for the kids. So he calls back says mass started 20 min ago but he'll catch the rest of it. I ask are you coming home after. yes. mass is over at 7:15, never calls, I call him at 8:15pm and he is a couple of blocks away and is considering going to a meeting. I know which one, it started at 8. He again says if I want to check on him I can come look, but also mentions that he doesn't want to run into these particular guys that he's known from celebrate recovery, I tell him he owes no one anything and just to go. His exact words are if I decide to go I will call you before I go in (2 blks away) if not I will be home in 15 min. Never calls. To finish this up I leave several messages and nothing. I get a call at 11pm from a payphone that he is stranded a couple of miles away and got a ride to a payphone but no one would stop to give him a jump. He says his phone stopped working. MMMHHH in 15 minutes? I get over there and ask if he is high, he says no. I ask to see the phone, he doesn't hand it over but shows me it says insert sim card. I tell him insert it he says he did must have cracked the phone. I get in the car and drive away, he never comes home. He gets home after i leave for work. I had left him a note saying "make a decision, because I can't live like this anymore, etc" He asks if I want him to leave, I say no, I want you to try, but you haven't shown anything, and I don't think your there yet. The kicker is he very angrily says, I hadn't done anything till you got mad and didn't believe me then I said "f*&k it" and did it, he said that doesn't justify it but if I didn't believe him.... I told him, like I said in the letter, if he hadn't done anything then he should have swallowed his pride or hurt and came home and convinced me otherwise. Am I right? I don't trust him right now and I am sure there are going to be many times that I question something does that give him a right to go use?
Replies...
Tender heartsKS	Re: Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? *Quote:* I don't trust him right now and I am sure there are going to be many times that I question something does that give him a right to go use??? He's going to find any excuse he can to use. Period. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control his addiction, and you can't cure his addiction. What he has the 'right' to do is go mess up his life as much as he wants or he can turn it around. It sounds like he's not even close to wanting recovery, in my opinion. Trust has to be earned, and that takes a long time. It took years before my parents started to breathe a little easier and believe I was 'for real' when it came to recovery. Don't let him lay the blame on you. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.
soso confused	Re: Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? I have to say that I am so glad I found this site last month. First of all no one on Earth would understand a strange story like you posted, unless there was a meth user in their life. This story didn't seem at all unusual to me because it could have been MY husband's story. This site has made me realize how similar meth users can be with their lies, stories and blame. I, like you, used to feel the same way when my husband would shift the blame to me. They are so adept at doing this and making us (their loved ones) feel like we are at fault! I really don't think anything has taught me more about meth users than this site. Continue to hang around, I sure am. Although things aren't better in my life, at least I know what is going on in my life is going on in other lives also. I am not happy for that but at least I know I am not alone.
danimal55	Re: Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? We're not failing until we begin blaming others for our mistakes. And you're handy! "It has NOTHING to do with YOU" And the odds are slim to none that he was anywhere near a church or a meeting.
luve piphany	Re: Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? Sorry honey. That was quite a game. Glad you didn't play in the first two rounds such as going to check on him at the church...or the meeting. This time you only went to round three... You didn't cause it You sadly can't control it You don't want to be able to cure it because you would get blamed when he "got" it again. Sure wish he would hang out here instead of driving around playing games. Remember your precious boundaries.
Rachel sue76	Re: Does the lack of trust with my husband equal the right to use meth? Since you already know the answer, I am going to be real blunt with you. *Quote:* The kicker is he very angrily says, I hadn't done anything till you got mad and didn't believe me then I said "f*&k it" and did it, This may be true it most likely is not. What purpose does it serve you to be on a mission to prove that he is lying? He is an addict in active addiction still. He is going to lie. He is going to try and blame you for his use because you are still letting his actions rule your world. You are still calling around after him and trying to push him to get into recovery. At this point you want it more then he does. All that stuff that he tells you is his to deal with. You have got to start working on you. You told him before that if he was going to use he had to move out. I understand relapse. I really do. But what your husband is doing right now is not relapse. He is still in active addiction it just has a different pattern now then it did before. When you first came here he was using all day every day. Now he is going with some time in between but when he goes, he is still going all day as long as he can go. There is no point in you continuing to wrap your life up in is he using is he not using. If he does he does, if he doesn't great. What about you? What are you doing for you? Are you still going to meetings? Are you working on you? We will never be able to control how other people behave but we sure can control how we behave. We can learn new behaviors to replace the ones that are picked up when living with an addict in active addiction.