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Letting go ... stop being a codependent


sleepless
in SF
Letting go... stop being a codependent
It really is a process, rather than an event. At least it has been for me. The more I step back, or detach, if you will, the easier it is to accept that the man I love, the man I was going to marry, may never come back to me.

But it feels great not to dragged back into what I call our Meth-Induced Waltz of admission, denial, projection (he would admit to doing meth, than later deny it, than next thing I know, he has ME doing crack...he would admit to infidelity, then deny it...you get the picture).

He has become sooooo hostile since I have started to openly confront him about his drug abuse. He has left me text messages alternating between "I love you," and "You
f%*ing b*%$h," but I am not being drawn into the waltz this time; rather, I am holding my ground and telling him (by text-message, as I'm not strong enough yet to hear his voice on the phone), that I love him but that I cannot continue in this relationship until he is both ready and able to get help.

I am also more willing to accept reality; I have most likely forever lost the man I will love forever.

Thank you to everyone on this board. You have been more help to me than you will ever know.
     Replies...
luve
piphany
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Way to use your woman power-you are an inspiration-keep it up and know you are helping others-many in each tear you have shed in strength
chick
peakiwi
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Yep it sure is a process to LET GO. I've already had the opportunity "a dress rehearsal" to LET GO....but now it is the real deal for me...scary stuff.

Keep being strong & empowered, sleepless.
thinking of you
luve
piphany
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
The good soothing healthy feeling times are wonderful. They will become more frequent.
Guard your heart and spirit and nurture, nurture, nurture!

And,
Any time you want to throw a safe ole tantrum just post and I'll join you for a healthy release. It's always nice to share

But don't let my invitation be a trigger, it's just an "IF" invitation. I am finding that the peace comes slowly with relapses of the evil shyt that the devil meth addicts left us with and if I can make it through those little episodes without really losing it, I'm much further along and don't lose ground. Not having the ability to release the anger to the addict-love because it is dangerous to my recovery (seeing or talking to him) is what seems to make the toxic disease last longer. Especially when the little devil catches me lonely, sad, tired, hungry or already angry.
nine
years
clean
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Bless your heart. I don't have much time today, but wanted to tell you that I have been exactly where you are, quite recently.

You're doing good. You're definitely on the right track.
Jamie
J1979
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Sleepless-I don't know if you've read the book Codependent No More but if not you should consider picking up a copy. It will help you deal with the situation in a healthy practical way. I've learned so much from this book that I recommend it at least once a day. It sounds like you've come to the point of acceptance meaning we may not like what's going on but we accept things for what they really are today not what we wish they could be. I accept that my guy is a addict that is still using and is not there for me when I need him the most which is right now being 9 months pregnant with our first child. Our only child because I'm getting my tubes tied or else I'm getting a IUD. I don't want anymore children but my doctor thinks I'm being rash and that I should just get a IUD for now and make serious decisions like getting my tubes tied later.

In the past I tried to change him, or ignore his use, make demands, threats, all the crazy stuff we do when dealing with our addicts "problem". This site has really helped give me the strength to let go and focus on myself. I've found more support and wonderful advice here than on any codependency site I've come across so far. Sounds like you're doing good, keep it up.
Meth
Phobia
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
For your own sanity and self preservation by all means let go and let God...

I hate to see loved ones of addicts losing their self esteem and self worth over the destruction of meth or the self destruction of the addict...

Take care of YOU cos you're worth it and let go...

You don't have to burn the bridge and you don't have to close the door...

There is hope and never say never...someday you might walk down the aisle with him...

Let him go for now and take it that if he ever comes back it will be a bonus not a given...

Drop the expectations and you'll be surprised at the happy things life has in store for you...
Just
Ronda
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
aw, sleepless i know where u r coming from, i am right where you are now, and boy does it hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. inspired me to write a poem, which i have sent to him and posted on this site. i am so hoping he will get help and the 'old him' will climb back outta there (only get small glimpses here and there of him now), but i try not to have any unrealistic expectations about it. i, like u, am also trying to detach and "be ready" for the fall, and boy that just sucks don't it...i came here to all u wonderful people, opened up to some WONDERFUL co-workers, talked to my son about it (boy, that broke my heart into even MORE pieces), and talked to some of my and his family. i know nothing anyone can say right now can REALLY help, but it does help a little to know people care. hang in there and try to focus on YOU (that is very hard to do too i have found) 
sleepless
in SF
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
WOW! Thanks, everyone. The response has been overwhelming!!!

I'm busy at work today, but I will write more later.

You have all been a blessing to me, and I am soooooo grateful I found all of you. Don't know what I would do without you...well, yeah, I guess I do know...I'd be doing that 'ole Meth Waltz again. And my feet were getting soooo sore!!

Thanks again!
Indiana
shedevil
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It is rough. I know. Been there done that. I just applaud the way that you calmly handled the situation. I ranted and raved and had my share of psycho moments. It took me a long time to get over the resentments. Its better now but I still have a moment here and there.
sleepless
in SF
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
You guys are awesome! I could not be going through this without all of you. Unlike the other (the gazillion other) times I broke up with my ex, I feel so strong this time. No more tiptoeing around the issue with me. He has an addiction - meth- and I have an addiction -him! You all are making my withdrawal a whole lot easier.

And don't worry, Indiana, I plan to be talking all of your ears off! (And good luck on the quitting smoking thing...I quit over for seven years, but started again two years ago...Kinda helps me understand the whole concept of "relapse.")

Thank you all again!
mntak Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
I'm also in a similar position. I've come to the realization, but i don't want to do what i know i have to.
are you still w/ him? is it an ongoing struggle for you? did the book really help?
sleepless
in SF
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
mntak,
No, I am no longer with him, and yes, it is a continuing struggle.

I finally realized that I am as addicted to him as he is to meth. As a result, I had to really hit bottom before I let go. That happened the day after the second anniversary of our first date, when he threw it in my face that he had been with another woman. And with a resounding "Thud," I knew I had hit the bottom.

I find this is much easier to face with compassion rather than anger. He left me a nasty message last night, but instead of responding in anger, I listened to his voice instead of his words, and I heard the pain there. My anger quickly dissipated when I realized that we are both suffering right now, but I am likely to come out of this far more intact than he.

I will always love him, I will always have room for him in my heart, and I hold fast to the wonderful memories I have of him. But I have to walk away before he destroys me along with himself.

As any recovering addict on this board will tell you, you won't quit the drug until you are ready and able, and you really want to quit. That goes for those of us who love the addict as well.

Please feel free to send my a message in my ez mailbox (I think that's what it's called) if you want to talk more.
Jamie
J1979
Re: Letting go... stop being a codependent
Someone asked about the book Codependent No More. Yes, it has helped me so much. I thought I knew it all when it came to addiction and dealing with my addict. I knew I was enabling him but I didn't understand all the underlying issues and reasons that go with enabling. The book really opened my mind up to human behavior and how we enable and how it really hinders instead of helps the addict. I always thought I was helping him when I would forgive him and give him chance after chance, give him shelter and food until he could get on his feet. Get him into treatment, drive him to treatment, basically anticipating his every need. I was really trying to control a out of control situation and I was failing big time. The book is a must read if you are the loved one of a addict or even a recovering addict. I'm both. Am I still with the boyfriend? Well I still love him and consider his my guy and he considers me his girl and loves me but we don't live together. We see each other daily and he spends the night once a week but that's about where we are at today. I've come to the point of acceptance. I accept that he is a addict that is still using and I accept that I cannot change him. I will not enable him in any way, shape, or form to continue to use. He's been calling to check up on me and we meet to talk every morning. I'm due 11/05 with our son and I hope he will be able to attend the birth. I'm not holding my breath because I've been let down too many times. I don't want him there high, so if he's high he shouldn't even bother to show up. That's what I've told him at least. So for now we're in constant contact because of the upcoming big event--our son being born! He just switched to a new treatment center and things have been a bit better but I've been feeling like even if he did clean up I don't know if I want to be with him. We've been together for 4 years but now that I'm clean I feel more and more like drugs were what brought up together. I love him. We've had good times together while high and while clean. Maybe things will work out but he needs to make the effort and show me that things are different. Like I said even then I might not want to be with him. He wants to be with me, calls me his wife but I just don't know. I'm legally married, I'm in the process of filing for a divorce. The guy I was married to was a family friend and it was more of a business deal than a marriage. We haven't been together in year's, he's gay and lives with his lover in San Fran. My guy wants to marry me as soon as I get off my butt and finish getting divorced but I refuse. I will not marry him like this, with his having nothing to offer me. If I keep getting the help I need to recover from my addiction and codependency I think I will meet a decent man one day. Right now I need to work on me so I can attack that type of guy instead of men that always need "fixing" or "help."

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