Here I am

Addicted and living with a meth addict

Captain24

Addicted and living with a meth addict

Hello,
I have been looking at this site for a few months now. Oddly enough it has been mostly when I am high. All my friends think that is very weird, visiting a recovery site when I am high. I am inspired by everyone's stories, yet I see the negative changes happening in me, and don’t do anything. I first tried meth about a year and a half ago with my ex boyfriend. We had been doing a lot of coke and wanted to do something different, well I wanted something different, he tried it many times and didn’t want to get me into it. He gave in. Everyone I asked about it told me that it would be the highest I could be, they were afraid I couldn’t handle it, after doing it, a lot of it, I felt good but not tweaked out or jumpy. It was like being myself but better.….throughout the past year and a half I have used off and on. Drugs were the reason I broke up with my boyfriend…. He always tried to limit me, I felt like he was treating me like a baby. About two months ago I began talking to an old friend of mine, we have always had feelings for each other and never acted on them. I will call him bob. We decided to give it a try and are now living together. When I was using my heaviest Bob was one of the main people I used with. I thought I used heavy before. I have been high since the day bob got here and moved in. He is selling it, making it available all the time…for free. I never have lived with an addict. The main concern in bobs life is crystal, getting it, selling it, doing it, talking about it, everything about it besides making it. He will leave at 5 a.m to make 20 bucks and get a bowl of @#%$. I go along with it most of the time because I don’t want to start a fight. I always try to make myself think of the “good” things. Like the fact that I have lost almost 30lbs and am back to my pre baby weight, and that my house is spotless. It is very overwhelming when I begin to think about how different my life is in just a matter of 2 months. I have sores on my body, (I used to pick my face, but now I pick my body so I can cover them), I am living with a drug dealer as well as doing, my family and friends have told me they are concerned about me, and through all of this I am seeing shadow people, and forcing myself and bob to at least drink some water. I don’t know where I go from here. I am afraid to make any drastic changes, I love bob, I don’t want him to be in trouble, I am skinny, I don’t want to get my appetite back. I could handle hiding it when it was once in a while for partying, but Is, but I cant explain the red eyes, sores, and the attitude. I hope getting some feed back from all of you will help me …thank you.

Macystiller01

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Quote:
I don’t know where I go from here.

Stop! Your life will only get worse.

Quote:
I am afraid to make any drastic changes, I love bob, I don’t want him to be in trouble

He is already in trouble! He is using and selling. That's breaking the law.

Quote:
I am skinny, I don’t want to get my appetite back.

Ask anyone here. They would rather put on weight than deal with the weight of meth. It ruins your life and can kill you.

Quote:
my family and friends have told me they are concerned about me

Take advantage of this and get help. Tell them what is going on and quit before its too late.
Stick around this board. There are many people here that can help you.

imlostinky

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Quote:
He is selling it, making it available all the time…for free

It isn't free, Captain. and you are not the captain. It is costing you more than you can afford.
It is costing you your sanity- it is costing you your physical health- and it will cost you your life.

You will quit using- that is a given.
You can quit now- or you can quit when you are in prison- or you can quit when you are dead.
This is as good as it will get- it only goes down from here.
That is your reality- there is no escape-the only chance you have is to get out and get clean.

You are not the captain- meth owns you.
It isn't an undying love for Bob - it is meth clouding your view.
You don't know Bob- Bob doesn't even know Bob. All either of you know is meth.

The high isn't that great anymore- and certainly not worth the price you are paying.
You are not living- you are existing.
Barely.

Getting your appetite back - you need your appetite back. You have lost your appetite for life.
How long has it been since you have felt true joy? Excited about waking up? Looked forward for the day?
how long has it been since you have really thought about anything other than your next hit?

You had a life before meth- there is life after meth. There is no life with meth.

Quit now while you have a say in how and when- or quit later when you are behind bars or 6 feet under.
You will quit. It is just a matter of when - this is as good as it will ever get.

We can help.

Imgetinrite

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Quote:
He is selling it, making it available all the time…for free

Its is not free.... You are paying for it with your life.
Run away while you still can!

Penel0pe

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Hi Captain,
I can totally relate to your story, for example:

Quote:

It was like being myself but better.….

and

Quote:
Like the fact that I have lost almost 30lbs

and

Quote:

my house is spotless

and

Quote:
I don’t know where I go from here.

Let me tell you how these things went for me.

"Being myself, only better." That meant I was prettier, more fun, more efficient, a harder worker, a better mother... and after a while.. it meant:
(covered with sores, became INCREDIBLY IRRESPONSIBLE - didn't pay my bills, lost jobs, ran out on my family, got arrested, lost numerous cars, got evicted, became violent...) After 26 years of meth, "Myself" meant nothing. I had no idea who I had become once I stopped. My whole identity was who I became on meth.

"Like the fact that I have lost almost 30lbs." That was my biggest trigger - weight. I was on the Jenny Crank Diet for most of my adult life. All I had to do was stop for a week, and bam - I was gaining weight! Little did I know what that REALLY MEANT - what that means is that my body had been in starvation mode - and every morsel of food I DID eat was being stored (Fat) in anticipation of the next round of starvation...

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU USE FOR A LONG TIME, AND THEN YOU STOP? You got it - take that 30 pounds, double it, and THAT is what happens. If you quit now, you might be able to avoid that - you have been using for a much shorter time than I did. But, continue to believe the lies meth tells you, and you can look forward to being unskinny when life becomes so off the hook you have no choice BUT to stop.

my house is spotless. I had this "Normie" friend who used to say "I just don't know how you do it! Two kids, full time job (At a state hospital getting my ass kicked for a living,) and your house is ALWAYS SO CLEAN!" My house always looked like a million bucks!!!

Then I got clean. I HAD TO GET CLEAN OR DIE - I was dying from the inside out - I was losing everything. My life had completely unraveled at the seams. I had to stop using - I finally found my "Bottom," and I got clean. After using for so many years... guess what my house looked like until the VERY recent past? Not a million bucks, I'll tell you that - more like a nickel. Actually, someone on this forum came to my house to help me get it put back together; recovering from so many years of meth use (Plus some other health problems I had) left me without the energy, motivation, or desire to do anything with my house. I cared what my house looked like - but I didn't have it in me to do anything about it. I had to humble myself and have a GOOD friend (You know who you are) come over and help me with the huge task of getting this place in order. Thanks, meth!
And, finally... "I don’t know where I go from here."

I HOPE YOU WILL AT LEAST CONSIDER WHERE YOU WILL END UP FROM HERE IF YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE AS YOU ARE TODAY.

I can absolutely relate to your post - to being in love with an addict, being a "Better" version of me, thin, clean house, the cocaine - EVERYTHING.

I would HATE for you to be able to relate to MY POST - but if you keep believing the things that meth is telling you now, the unfortunate truth is, you will BE ME years from now...

A middle aged fat lady in recovery who just cleaned her house a month or two ago after almost 3 years clean.

WELCOME TO KCI - Please stick around for a while!!!

Lisa

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

You mentioned your "pre-baby weight".
Do you have your baby with you?

JamieJ1979

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Beware of men that provide drugs for "free" because in the long run they really weren't free at all. In fact you end up paying 10x the cost of the dope in other ways. It's funny how people think they look good all dope fiend skinny because they usually don't look very good at all. They might be thin but they look haggard. It's been my experience that guys rather have a girl with a little meat that looks fresh and healthy instead of skinny and sucked up and used up. That's how dope makes you look.

There are very few short cuts in life that are worth taking. Doing drugs to loose weight is one of them. You will always gain the weight back. I know girls that eventually gained any weight they lost in the beginning of their drug use back once they developed a tolerance to the meth. Once they built a good tolerance they were able to eat and even though they didn't have a good appetite they would eat to try and stay healthy but their bodies would store it as fat because they had been in starvation mode. There is no short cut around watching what you eat and getting exercise. I've always been a pretty thin person but there have a been a couple times in my life where I put on a extra 20lbs. The only way I got it off by working out and eating right. You pay too high of a price for being dope fiend skinny like looking haggard, having crappy teeth, dull skin, sores regardless of where they are, dull hair, just yucky. Do you have your baby with you?

forget
suzette

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

It's so hard to explain, we can't even find the words to describe......even to each other. we (addicts) just "know" what we all saw, and felt in the mouth of madness.
It's a glimpse of demonic insanity....It did seem crazy to me, I didn't care, but I liked being so far gone,
I liked being entertained by the darkside.....Doing speed smoothed it all out. like astronaut training...
..you're viewing another ....very very dark side of humanity.....there were days I wouldn't go out until dark.
I knew I looked like a ghoul....I knew I was insane. but I wallowed in it like a pig in sh!t.
pigs know it's sh!t they are wallowing in.....but there's something in them that makes it ok. like retarded people look happy.........they are unable to eat of have organized thoughts, dress organize...but they don't care...they sit there and smile while you call them retards, they don't give a fat rats ass what you think...
...it's like a perk you get for being retarded, you get this overwhelming feeling of well being that breaks when the speed runs out. obviously when the spell is lifted and you are on a dung heap.......you go back to the dealer and turn your dung heap to gold again. you think it spins straw into gold.
....but then, it's only you, who could see the straw was gold when it's all over......and it never was.
The sad thing is how much you LOVE it.....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strength and confidence, vibrant energy, ideas, and beauty at first. you love it, and it loves you and you will always have crystal to hold you when things get bad.

I remember thinking flat out, I'll go see my best friend. and while you are loving it, it is robbing you.
.....it takes all your money, strength, natural ability to feel joy, you, what you stand for, and believe in to your core......you throw it all away and put all your faith in what's good and true to YOU.like following manson..."charlie is jesus" ....yeah right.
...but its deep. even charles manson's momma still thinks he was framed.
....we defend, protect, cover, and are extremely loyal. we jumps thru hoops like trick poodles and smile back at it ....it says...you got to do more. it's the most hardcore brainwashing, scam, lie, hoax, slap in the face betrayal there is. we stay with it for YEARS.....we build our life around it. we love it, we're married to it. it's like we are in this group that was screwed over by the same con artist....and the mothers whose children fell into a cult. like jim jones.

it whispers the same promise in all of our ears and falls short.
it gives us an edge on the world.....but soon the entire universe has the edge on you. and speed laughs in your face and says...you poor fool.

welcome to the board

Tenderhearts
KS

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Quote:
I am skinny, I don’t want to get my appetite back

Meth will take care of that 'appetite' for sure. I can guarantee that.

When I was finally taken to treatment, days away from dying, I weighed 109 pounds (I am 6' tall). I was wearing 28" waist jeans and had to wear a belt or my pants would fall off when I walked.

I was a fantastic living skeleton model, grey skin hanging on bones and all

TerryCa

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Captain

Hi, I'm the mother of a daughter 20+ yrs old addicted to meth and whatever she can get her hands on.
She has not been able to keep a job.
Has lost any good reputation she may have had.
Has lost all her old friends cause they want no part of her addiction.
Can't be trusted to watch any child because there could be a visitor or phone call which would take priority and she might have to split.
Could have a disease from her promiscuous ways.
Has scars from the meth picking along with terrible open sores.
Has no ambition.
Has violent outbursts.
Talks a mile a minute
Has a hard time, if not impossible completing any task.
Hands out with druggies and people 1 step away from jail.
My wallet is not left unattended when she's around.

I've seen this with my own eyes and through the eyes of many others.
And all this she denies and thinks I know very little about. I pray she will wake up and get out of the drug world before I lose her! I'm there for her, but she's got to want help.
Hugs and Strength to you to do what you have got to do!
T

PS I want my daughter back!!!!!!!!!!!! So run Captain. Run fast. Far away from the drugs, even if that means leaving Bob.

Captain24

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

It made me feel really good to come home today and read all the responses to my post. The hardest thing for me is that it is so easier said than done, I am still a reasonable person, I know I should kick him out. He didn't even come home last night, he would answer and hang up every time I tried to call MY cell phone that he took. He begged me to come pick him up this morning and I agreed. I arrived at the most scumbag hotel I have ever seen, when the door opened, a huge cloud of smoke came out, and there must have been 20 people in that little room. Every time I bring anything up to him he freaks out and tells me I don't need to try and change him, and to stop acting like his mommy. It freaks me out because About 2wks ago we got pulled over, they found a scale in his pocket that had a little residue on it and he was charged with possession of a controlled substance. I think that was the luckiest day of my life because I had hidden 10grams of crystal and a pipe on myself when I saw the lights behind us. They put me in the back of the cop car and wanted to take me because I had a prescription sleeping pill in my wallet. I cried and told them I didn't know I could get in trouble for a sleeping pill and they let me go. I can see how easily my life could be washed down the drain. For you guys who asked if I had my baby with me, Me and her father share her half and half. She has been with her dad since bob got here, she is supposed to be coming home next week. I cant imagine her even being here right now, I know I need to make drastic changes before she comes home. It drives me crazy how quick this has snuck up on me, literally a matter of months. I cant get it out of my mind, all I want to do right now is go get a sack.

forget
suzette

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

The ride you are on....
....we took it too!
...but it's dark, and you are unable to see what's really happening to you. you are in a bucket on the way to a hell, you can't imagine.....you will lose everything you ever cared about, you'll become self absorbed, greedy and secretive, psychotic, paranoid, scattered, sketchy, obsessive-compulsive, repetitive behavior, it will captivate you and blind you while....
.............the new personality bores a place in your brain and starts to rot it out.. how far you decide to fall will determine the extent of your damage.
......if you stop now, (and we know you won't,.... and furthermore we'll know the outcome before you ever guess what hit you) when you finally are unable to support your habit, you'll be faced with selling your soul or not. doing things against your moral values. you'll never be right again.........you ability to receive pleasure naturally, your ability to feel joy....will be lessened. it gets your dopamine.....the demon eats it all, and lives in your head instead.........the demon will never go away.
I have a bad demon tied to a chair in the rotten part of my brain that stays forever.
that demon, is greedy, self absorbed, sketchy, unable to hold a job. none of those things are me.
this drug is like a lover you are completely in love with,
deeply and you believe it loves you. it will betray you...
while the important people in your life beg you to leave,
you can't see how bad he's fuking you.
it lies, it steals, it makes your loved ones stand by helplessly as they watch you rot to death and go insane.

METH DESTROYED OUR ABILITY TO ENJOY LIFE AT REGULAR SPEED.

WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DO IT ANYMORE!

WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DON'T!

WE MISSED SO MANY EVENTS OF OUR LIVES AND LET A TWEAKER
REPRESENT US! ....SOON PSYCHOTIC TWEAKER!

IT WILL HAPPEN!

METH DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE THAN IT LOVED US!

IT LIED! IT SAID IT LOVED US TOO!

IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND ...and now I look like I lost my best friend.

WE ARE SCREWED!

YOU'LL BE BROKE, AND WILL HAVE NOT BEEN PRESENT IN YOUR OWN LIFE WHEN YOUR YOUTH BLURS BY YOU, AND YOU BODY STARTS BREAKING.

if you choose to continue..........I want to just inform you.
~ YOU HAVE CHOOSEN METH ~

this is your job de*****ion as "disciple of meth"
you will be a missionary touring poverty, death, bending decaying minds, rotting, insanity, violence, perversions beyond your power to understand, that will steal your soul away and leave you as hollow inside as a meth mobile, just a brainless bottom feeder going around yearning, needing, desiring METH baybee!
running on meth, and stopping, sputtering and choking, dying...with out it.
You will spend all your time wanting, and hoping to get METH.
....You won't get a home, it's cool, it's not important,
neither are relationships, dreams, education, career, relaxing, dopamine, nothing else will be within your reach.
......besides meth!....and getting some more!   as long as you got meth, that's all you have to worry about.
What your personal limitations are will decide how willing you are to get METH!
REMEMBER you get METH ONLY!!! NOTHING ELSE!
You will get plenty of it, so HAVE FUN!....go fast! Do one for me! ......crunch into a shard for me!.. yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw. I fukin' LOVE/ED speed so much.............It was the LOVE of my LIFE!
........I LOVED the taste of it! I've fukin' eaten it off floors!....bathroom floors! I use to eat it, snort it and smoke it!........a couple of times... when my connection changed batches, sometimes it was stronger than I thought, I ate too much, and had to puke,...... VOMITED in a cup, saved it, and drank it later!
you can't say I'm not loyal to my drug....I loved it, and i did anything for it,I didn't fuk for it, and I considered it very carefully, over quitting. ....but I chose my soul.
....believe me I sold EVERYTHING else...or LOST it! I hocked, pawned, sold, stole, lied, borrowed, begged, bartered, got fronts ....LAID down my WHOLE LIFE!   to honor it. I gave it my all..............and it never did anything for me, but make me retarded.
....I can't even use the experience to keep you from being another victim of a dirty trick.........just so you know. you can't beat the clock. "Look out you rock n' rollers! ........pretty soon now you going to get older!"   I'm not telling you to quit!.....be the best drug addict you can be! see rock bottom!
I'm just saying with out trying to sway you in either direction.
you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT....just not EVERYTHING. you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and you only have so much available time.
like,... imagine we are in a big supermarket (life). and you have a certain amount of money to spend there (Time)......you have to pick something you really want, because that's what you'll spend all your time on.
.....you could learn to be an interior decorator, or photographer, or a speed freak. speed freak is real.
you learn a lot in your chosen field about survival, trust, psychosis, whelps, fever blisters...

I care about you giving your life away.....hence, the passion.

Captain24

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

That was very intense....i have a hard time concentrating, and that kept my attention from start to finish. It doesn't make sense to me how in the beginning it is so good, I always wanted to do stuff, I felt great. I can see the changes happening, the paranoia, the hallucinating, the picking, and starting not to care. I feel like I need meth for everything, if i get up to go pee, then that's an excuse to take a hit. Hear a noise outside, have to go look out the blinds, excuse to take a hit. I don't know if this happened to anyone... I thought I was just tripping, but it has happened a few times now, every time I get high my fingers get very swollen and red. It is weirding me out because it only recently started happening, maybe someone knows why. I feel like an idiot for even asking that because I know the obvious answer is "You dumba**, quit getting high and you wont have to worry about swollen fingers". So, I know the real answer, I just want to know if that has happened to anyone.

imlostinky

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

Quote:

I can't imagine her even being here right now

You can't bring her there- because you do love her. You are not what is best for your baby right now Captain. You know it - you do.
So how do you get back your life?
What's your options? Insurance? Money situation? Family help?
The best plan would be in treatment Captain, honest.
Because you won't be alone going through this hell.
You will be with people who know what they are doing and can help you through.
If that isn't an option, NA is free- give it a go.

One thing is certain, if you keep on doing what you have been doing, you will fast be in a position where you have no choice- all will be decided for you.
You can quit now - somewhat on your terms.
As good as you will get anyway.

You don't have to make a lifetime commitment-
Just for today, I choose life.
Just take it one day at a time.

Get you some good food, some proteins- peanut butter is the bomb. You don't have to cook it, easy enough with little effort- and packed full of protein.
You need it.
You need water, you need fruits- fruit juices even better.

Then you take it one day at a time- get on here every single day- we can hold your hand through the roughest days.
You are not alone- you can quit- there is life after meth- we do recover.

So can you.
Then you can really be the mother to your child that you so want to be.
I know you love your baby- and I know this is taking a lot of courage on your part.

You have taken the first step to recovery-
welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

I'm Theresa, recovering addict 11 years clean- wife to an somewhat recovery addict, and sister to a recovering addict -
See? Told you there is life after meth.
We DO recover.

You CAN too.

forget
suzette

Re: Addicted and living with a meth addict

it tripped me out how fast my hands started aging too........chapped looking! weird. that and the veins in my thighs were embarrassing........I never picked but I cut my hair like rod stewart all the time.
it was a dead giveaway.

I take that as a "high" compliment!
......I couldn't read when I was spun. I wouldn't go near a puter.

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