To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts"

Indiana
shedevil

To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addicts

Welcome to KCI. My ex-husband of 10 1/2 years is a meth addict who sought recovery in July 2005.

My name hasn't been appearing on posts as much now as I have responded in the past. The reason being is that these wonderful people that are on this site are giving the same encouraging words that I have given and received in my almost 2 years here. I am still here for anybody that needs me, but I mostly lurk and check in on everyone nowadays.

I remember when I first stumbled across this site. I had just found out that my ex-husband was using meth BIG TIME. He was given a choice to either get help or get out.

Reader's Digest version...

1) He left
2) He hit rock bottom
3) He sought help
4) He stayed clean
5) We got back together
6) The relationship ended

This happened in a 1 1/2 year time period.

I started attending Al Anon meetings over a year ago. I still attend them but not as frequently. Meth nearly destroyed my life but I decided to pick up the pieces and focus on me. It took a couple of tries before I finally got it right. I focused on myself and what I needed to do. I had my own recovery to attend to.

You see, after many years of focusing on the addict, I neglected myself. I was like a garden that was overcome by weeds. Instead of tending my garden, I tended someone else's. My own garden became so ugly and unrecognizable that I couldn't stand it.

I couldn't stand myself. It got to the point that my self worth was based on his judgment. I allowed him to make all the decisions for me. I merely existed in his shadow. Not any more!

I've learned that life is what you make of it. The quality of your life and self worth is only going to be as valuable as you allow it to be.

I am working on my own issues with co-dependency. I have not had a boo-hoo stinkin thinkin down in the dumps moment in a long time. I am now happy and upbeat.

Most importantly I have my self back. My stress level in my life today is almost non-existent compared to what it was back in the day.

Now, it all seems like a bad dream. I was finally able to let go and let God take care of the things that I was not able to control. I realized that I could not control his actions, his behavior, or his drug addiction. So instead I focused on the things that I can control.

My self
My attitude
My behavior
My recovery
My happiness

If you keep looking behind you, then you'll never see what's ahead.

Love you all...

bookrat21

Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addict

Thank you so much for your post. I am a newcomer & I love an addict dearly (Way too much I guess). I started coming to this site last Friday & it wasn't until then that I realized I have (somewhat HUGE) codependency issues. It seems though that every time I want to focus on getting MY life together, HE seems to come home with a bigger problem that, of course, I feel compelled to help him with. My question is, Is it really as easy as getting the courage to just tell him to either get clean or get out? I am having a really hard time with all of this. My morals say one thing... my heart says another.

Kathy
as cmom

Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addict

Great post! Good for you!

Indiana
shedevil

Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addict

Hi Book rat...
Welcome to KCI. BTW, I really dig that name!

Quote:
Is it really as easy as getting the courage to just tell him to either get clean or get out?

To be honest with you, that was the easy part for me. I gave him that ultimatum. The most difficult thing that I had to do was to stick with the ultimatum.

Now that I look back at all that sh*t, I ask myself why the h3ll did I not take better care of myself? Why did I let my life go to h3ll in a hand basket? HELLO... It was my life that I needed to focus on, not his!

It took a lot of "practice" to get back into the swing of things. I was so accustomed to enabling him, bailing his a$$ out of trouble, lying for him, making excuses for him... Sound familiar?

I literally forgot to take care of all aspects of myself. Well, if I wasn't taking care of myself, then who was?! Certainly NOT the addict.

It does get so much easier.

Why are you feeling guilt? What is wrong with taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you? NOTHING.
The guilt stems from the effects that their addiction has on us.
Been there done that. Plain and simple.

Recovery for co-dependent people can happen. I'm proof of that. Also, I have been applying what I have learned in Al Anon to my attitude as far as smoking cessation is concerns. My last cigarette was smoked on the 22nd. I've even been around my friends that smoke. Didn't want a cigarette. Not once.

These ways of thinking can work if you make the effort to focus on yourself. I walked away from my ex for good on 08.19.06. I refuse to look back. This is my life and I will live it to the fullest and be happy doing it!

bookrat21

Re: To all the newcomers that are "loved ones of addict

What was the easiest for you has proven to be the hardest part for me. I am so scared. Scared of what my life will be like without him (because I know he won't choose me over meth), scared of what could happen if he stays, scared of what will happen to him if I make him leave... It really is hard to love him so much. He came home last night after using and I just wanted to scream and scream and scream at him. Did I? Of course not. It was my perfect chance to do something about it & I didn't. He even asked me if I was "irritated" & I just said that irritated wasn't the word I was looking for, that I couldn't explain my feelings. I don't want to go on hurting like this & I can't help but think it won't be worse without him than it is with him. I am such a freaking chicken. I need help with these issues and I don't even know where to start. (I think I live in the world's smallest town...46 people!) He is the person I turn to & I'm afraid I can't get myself better by being with him. THIS SUCKS!!!!!

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