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I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction


kmb
2006
I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
I was talking to a very wise friend earlier, and I think I discovered my main damage... the way in which I was scarred most from my husband's addiction.

Self-doubt. I have absolutely NO trust in myself. I am filled with self-doubt, and it's quite atypical of the person I've always been. I've always been opinionated, full of conviction. I always defaulted to the answers my gut gave me - even above logic. But not anymore. Now, I am opinion less. I say "I don't know" more times than I can count even when I do, in fact, know. I preface almost everything with 'I think' and end with, 'but I'm not positive. I could be wrong.'

Thinking about it, I can see where it's impacted just about every aspect of my life.

My work suffers - I'm a software consultant. I'm paid to share my knowledge - I'm paid to be a subject matter expert. I've wondered why my clients don't seem as confident in me as they once were. Would YOU take the word of someone who who puts a disclaimer on everything they say? I also find myself validating things that I absolutely know... I have to, because after all, I could be wrong. I have to look, again. I no longer speak or work with the authority I once did.

At home, I have no authority with my children. My confidence is shaken and my 3 year-old picks right up on it. It manifests itself in "nuh-uh!" and "you're silly Mama." She's in the "why?" stage and DOES NOT accept - "just because." That's about the only way I can answer... that and "I just don't know."

Even here... I don't post much because who am I to give advice or even support? I don't know crap. I have experiences I can share, but I can't even say what I would do in any given situation. I rarely took my own advice. The best I can say is don't do what I did. But then, he ''did" get into recovery, and my family is healing, so... that might not be right either.

It makes perfect sense how I got this way. His first 18 month run, I didn't see what was happening - and I ended up feeling like a fool. How could I have not known? It was right in my face and I didn't even see it. This last run, I KNEW he was using again, but of course - I still ended up feeling crazy. I KNEW what I saw, I accepted what was happening, but he managed to convince me otherwise. "I'm not leaving you because I'm using; I'm leaving you because you're a bytch, and here's why: <insert insults here>"

No one believed me when I reached out for support to the only people he listened to - his dad denied it up to the day my husband called him from rehab - I, of course, was the crazy one.

I had a daily internal battle with myself - "What if you're wrong? What if he isn't using and your just an unforgiving, controlling bytch? He's not picking this time... yeah, there are other signs, but you're just paranoid - over-sensitive. Maybe you are the crazy one... No, you are the crazy one. He's right. You managed to destroy your marriage and family because you just couldn't get off his back."

Anyway, my damage?  I've become a damn waffler.
My best piece of advice to loved ones? Trust your gut and guard your courage of conviction like your life depended on it. It does depend on it.

Sorry this got so long. It was good to think this through because now that I'm aware of it, I can do something about it.
Guene Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
I don't think you were a fool at all and I didn't know my daughter was doing drugs and drinking all the time, it was years before I realized something was wrong, don't blame yourself sweetie, I think you are a special person. Love Ya
nano
banano
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
Hi kmb2006!
You're not alone in feeling this way.....I think a lot of loved ones of addicts end up questioning themselves, after living with this insanity for so long!
If you've ever lived around someone who has "borderline personality disorder" you'll eventually begin questioning yourself too.....Kind of like Alice in Wonderland must have felt.....It's all so confusing!!!...You begin wondering if up is really down, if the sky is really green and the grass is really blue!!!

FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND:
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."  "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.  "You must be," said the cat, "or you wouldn't have come here!"

Also.....Look up the poem "IF" by Rudyard Kipling.....one verse goes like this..."If you can keep your head when all about you....are losing theirs and blaming it on you!
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you....but make allowance for their doubting too."
and another........."He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool...shun him.  He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is willing...teach him.  He who knows, and knows not that he knows, is asleep...awaken him.  He who knows, and knows that he knows, is wise...follow him."

Chinese Probverb  "HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF!!"
JUST
CATS
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
Quote:
My best piece of advice to loved ones? Trust your gut and guard your courage of conviction like your life depended on it. It does depend on it.
Amen to that statement!!!! Follow your gut instinct, always. I knew in my gut that there were A LOT of things that were screwy, with my addict. I didn't want to listen to my intuition, instead I tried to deny it. Once again, my instinct was very right!!!

All of the time that I wasted, fighting my intuition... I lost my self worth by the choices I made, with my addict. I constantly, doubt myself. I wish I had chosen to look at the situation as it was and deal with it that way, instead of denying that it existed.
luve
piphany
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
kmb! You are experiencing STINKIN THINKIN and you know it! Quit it! You know who you are and how powerful you are! Intelligent, loving, compassionate, smart as a whip, excellent at guiding and teaching, assertive, dependable, probably pretty hot to look at (all of us ladies here are..) very patient and very educated on what meth does to everyone involved. You kids do listen to you and so do people you give advice on here.

Quit it, say the serenity prayer a thousand times , take a bubble bath or go to a spa, or get your hair done, go out with some girls, go to an alanon meeting, go dancing, try to decorate for xmas I'm trying too) and give yourself a big fat hug and remember you're loved and needed by so many more than you even know.
k8
kanguru
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
Y'know sweetie, if you wanted to take another perspective on this place you're in...to take your own judgments off it...you could say that you have been humbled by your experience with your husband's meth addiction.

And maybe a little humility could be a gift rather than a deficit.

I think your judgments are arising from comparing yourself to who you were before this experience and saying that is how or who you should be.

What's wrong with who you are today? Stop for a moment to consider the deepening and expansion of your heart and soul through and you'll discover there's a lot been gained from the experience.

Meet and learn to love and accept who you are right here and now, Kristy. That's some woman!
imlost
inky
 
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
^Ditto^ Gotta love ya -
Kristy, you will never be the person you were before....before meth, before everything.  It won't happen.
Of course you didn't see it- you were looking through the eyes of love.
You want to believe the man you love.
That makes it easier to be snow blind.

It's amazing in hindsight how we can NOT see when the evidence is glaring - just red flags all over the place.
We don't see because we have this image stuck in the place of reality.
This precious image, compounded by memories of the man or woman we "met" and fell in love with.
You weren't stupid- you just love him.
It is understandable why you didn't want to see Kristy.
Anymore than I wanted to see.
But the fact remains is that you did see in the long run- that even while being snow blinded by love, you did get through to reality.
You met it, you faced it, and you changed it.
That to me makes you very wise.

Yeah I have been humbled- I really have- as you have.
It isn't a bad thing- it makes me appreciate the real in my life, the constants in my life, the things the people I can count on.
It makes me appreciate the day that I have.
It helps me to reflect inward - to self evaluate- so that I can get a vision of myself - where I want to go- who I want to be- the person I hope to become-
and work for that.

I don't know everything - SO? Like what, that is a bad thing?  What's to look forward to if you know it all?

Life is a journey Kristy- love is an experience.
Instead of meeting it with fear and self doubt- meet it as an opportunity to grow , to learn, to become even stronger in the things that you do know.
You are not stupid, you are capable- learn how to trust yourself.
Love yourself.

It is all a matter of perspective.
NoMore
4Me
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
{{{HUGS}}}
Someone told me once, "you don't KNOW if that's what I was doing." I responded with, "you know what? I may not KNOW, but dude... I know."

For sure, don't let anyone shake your self-confidence. Denial does happen on both ends, MOST from the addict.

Start healing hon, you've been through a lot.

Much peace
kmb
2006
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
Thanks everybody.

I complain too much, but only here.  I seriously didn't understand how wide-spread this affect had been until I started really thinking about it last night.

Believe me... on a personal level, a whole lot more good has come of this life challenge than bad. We have both grown an awful lot through this experience.

Question for those of you who chose to stay in your relationships... did you lose anyone close to you as a result of your choice?
NoMore
4Me
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
I stayed with my ex, we lost a son.
I let my ex go.
After I found out I was pg with Boo, I left him. Things were never the same, he was still a part of our lives and good with the kids, but in the end, he wouldn't quit and I can't have that around my children anymore. He was murdered in 98.

In answer to your question.
imlost
inky
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
Quote:
Question for those of you who chose to stay in your relationships... did you lose anyone close to you as a result of your choice?
No but then again Kristy, I only have a few close friends and one sister worth mentioning.
My relationships are built on freedom of choice.
I don't have many in life- but the ones I have are solid.
Just as the relationships I do continue on here are solid.

For me, any real friendship/relationship I form is based on trust, honesty, and freedom to express thoughts, opinions, ideas.
If that is not occurring then I didn't lose anything.
There was nothing there to lose.
Terry
Ca
Re: I was scarred from my husband's drug addiction
KMB

You have been so busy giving to everyone that it's time to give back to you.

Quote:


“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”
IMO your self doubt is your imagining failure.
To help with your self doubt: Anything you can do which makes you feel good about yourself may help,
from being around positive people
to spending time on activities or interests you enjoy.
Try not to be critical of yourself, concentrate your energy on doing things you like and thinking about what you have achieved.

You remain a hero in my eyes!

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