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Husband / relationship question - why does he neglect me?


marakris Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
What to make of this?
Ok, I said I was leaving this site....but my husband got banned so now I can be here without him knowing about it.

My birthday came and went......the love obsessed, control freak didn't buy me a gift.......AGAIN.....I baked my own cake.....He went out and bought himself....on my birthday....a new truck, and all kinds of stuff. He also spent tons of money on landscaping and various things.
This morning I told him that I felt neglected...for that and various other things.....he just got mad and started yelling at me and we got into a big fight.
He is going to AA for a whole week now.

Studying codependency and stuff like that.
He says that he is a codependent??????
I don't understand if he loves me so much....why he neglects me.....all the time.

This is the kind of stuff that he thinks drives him to use meth.....he's doing the right thing for A WHOLE WEEK....and I don't appreciate anything....

Am I asking too much?
     Replies...
stillgoing
crazy
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Hhmmm sounds very familiar. My husband did nothing for me on my birthday too. It hurt badly. Your husband sounds so much like mine. The only thing I can say (and I don't know your whole story) is if you are going to stay with him just sit back and see if his actions are changing. Going to meetings for a whole week is nothing. You know that he is not the same brain wise if he was using meth. You know that it changes them. Maybe you should read up more on what it does to them. Go to sfj's site. I have read it a million times but sometimes you just need a refresher. As far as him saying that your complaining is why he wants to use is bs! That is just one more manipulation tactic.
marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Ya, it's not curing his anger/hostility......I thought it would.....but we still fight all the time.
Loraura Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Quote:
Ya, it's not curing his anger/hostility......I thought it would.....but we still fight all the time.

Not in a week it won't.

But if he gets a sponsor and WORKS THE STEPS it can and will. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

Rachel
sue76
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Quote:
My birthday came and went......the love obsessed, control freak didn't buy me a gift.......AGAIN.....I baked my own cake.....He went out and bought himself....on my birthday....a new truck, and all kinds of stuff. He also spent tons of money on landscaping and various things.

Well Happy Birthday first of all. Sounds like you got a bunch of great presents.*sarcasm*

Quote:
This morning I told him that I felt neglected...for that and various other things.....he just got mad and started yelling at me and we got into a big fight.

How dare you feel neglected? I mean my God you ungrateful woman, why do you think that I should spend any of my money on you. I wanted that stuff, I deserve it and by God, I am going to get whatever I want, whenever I want so you better just accept it.

Does that about sum it up?

Quote:


He says that he is a codependent??????

I read a post here once about being an addict and also being a codependent. It was rather interesting and maybe the people that replied about it will be so kind as to reply to that part of your question again.

Quote:
I don't understand if he loves me so much....why he neglects me.....all the time.

Because you all have a twisted kind of love. The kind of love where control is his way of showing love. A very unhealthy love.
A kind of love where you stay because you are hoping that someday he is going to realize your worth.

Here is some stuff that I found on Codependency.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to ?be themselves.? Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholics, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become ?benefactors? to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may ?pull some strings? to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the ?benefactor.? As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from ?being needed.? When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels with out choice and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to ?love? people they can pity and rescue.
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
A tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts.
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
An extreme need for approval and recognition.
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
A compelling need to control others.
Lack of trust in self and/or others.
Fear of being abandoned or alone.
Difficulty identifying feelings.
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
Chronic anger.
Lying/dishonesty.
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others? opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a ?bad person? when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying ?no? when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can't do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

Quote:
Am I asking too much?

Has he always been this way and you have accepted it? I am not saying that you are asking too much. I am wondering though if you are expecting him to be different than he always has been. If that is the case, maybe it is not that you are expecting too much so much as it is that you are just fed up and realizing that this is not how you really want to live your life. If he has always been this way, then he is what he is and if you choose to stay, that is one of the things that you will have to learn to accept as it is what it is.

JMHO

marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Ok, from that list, he is much more codependent than I am....much, much more.

Now that he is in AA he is starting to seem a little bit more stable........but then he does stupid stuff....like say things like .....I love myself, and then hug himself...just kidding around....but this is still the answer to a problem that I will have with the relationship...
It's just annoying...
gives himself hugs!!!!and not me!!!!
marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Rachel,
No, I never have accepted it....
Birthdays and holidays mean a lot to me.
I already "got even" by not celebrating his......I hate that though, I just end up feeling like an a**.
silly
veronica
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
I've been studying and reading a lot about codependency in recent months. Some codependents turn to drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, gambling, or another person. So yes, codependency comes in all forms. I would guess (my opinion) that the majority of addicts are also codependents.
Rachel
sue76
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
If you have never accepted it before then why are you accepting it now?
marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
I'm not accepting now. I never have.....I read some stuff about co-dependency vs. I think Contra or something like that dependency....I'll have to find it and post it....
I am the other one....
that is where you build walls and push people away....
it is the opposite of what he does, just about.
silly
veronica
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Quote:
I'm not accepting now. I never have.....

There's also something called DENIAL, Marakris. It's always easiest to see in someone else's situation. The abuse, the addict behavior (whether it be drugs or alcohol), things that you've posted, things that he's posted. I don't say that to piss you off ... but I see you as in a very deep denial.

marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
I'm not denying that I could be in denial.
To accept what someone is doing would be "to tolerate without protesting"......
I never ever do that.
Denial is a refusal to admit that something exists. I admit it every day.
I admit it right now.
I'm trying to work it out to the best conclusion. That is called problem solving.
Rachel
sue76
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Quote:
To accept what someone is doing would be "to tolerate without protesting"......
I wouldn't necessarily say that myself. While your words may say that you protest, you actions say that you are accepting.

Quote:


I'm trying to work it out to the best conclusion.

Which would be what in your opinion?

GaFlake Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
I'm not denying that I could be in denial.

Now I'm a comedian, and that is just plain funny! So sorry, I'm not being mean, just needed that laugh.
marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Rachel,
Which would be what in your opinion?

I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm like 60-40 at this point.
60 in favor of believing in no recovery for us.
marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Now I'm a comedian, and that is just plain funny! So sorry, I'm not being mean, just needed that laugh.

Glad I could make you laugh.....I bet I could make you laugh a lot harder if I ........oh, never mind!!
silly
veronica
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Quote:
60 in favor of believing in no recovery for us.

Meaning what? 60% that you don't need recovery? ... or 60% that recovery isn't possible?

marakris Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
60% that recovery isn't possible
I don't know about possible....but if he's willing to face his addiction issues, long term
UCL
Angel
Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Forgive me for saying this if I'm speaking out of my bounds,...but from what you've described of his behavior, it sounds like he's got quite a sadistic side to him, and is more than a little narcissistic.

From what I know, those traits can be caused by addiction, BUT, many times, they are caused by an underlying personality disorder which may have been there before the addiction....such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Antisocial or Narcissistic Personality Disorders.

Those don't usually "go away" when someone gets sober. Recovery from personality disorders, (and some of them aren't treatable) requires a LOT of concerted effort, meds, support groups, and even at that it is a lifelong battle.

Please just think about that as a factor...you deserve happiness.
paceset Re: Husband / relationship question - why the neglect?
Yep, those are personality disorder traits-selfish jerk is what he looks like, but in reality he is displaying immature addict classic symptoms. He is not acting as a mature adult husband for some reason, so, you must go right back to step one and admit that you are powerless over the actions of the addict. Sucks! Just to remind you, he is acting exactly like my addict boyfriend has acted and many many others-textbook and as much as it seems unfair and ridiculous, the only way to deal with it is to accept it. Last night I asked my bf if he understood how much I just needed to know who it was he wanted to share his life with (even if it was one day at a time)-if it wasn't me, then I would be very happy if he would say so. He just got mad at me and told me he would tell me later. He believes in his head and heart that if I ask him to act like a normal human being and treat me with even a little respect and care, that I am "putting him down". See, his head is all F*&%(D-UP! and I can't do a damned thing about it but accept it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! From one lonely birthday girl to another...

See also:

How to handle your significant other's bad days

Communicating with a recovering spouse

Practical tips for surviving a spouse's addiction


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