Husband / relationship question - why does he neglect me?

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Ya, it's not curing his anger/hostility......I thought it would.....but we still fight all the time.

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Not in a week it won't.

But if he gets a sponsor and WORKS THE STEPS it can and will. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

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My birthday came and went......the love obsessed, control freak didn't buy me a gift.......AGAIN.....I baked my own cake.....He went out and bought himself....on my birthday....a new truck, and all kinds of stuff. He also spent tons of money on landscaping and various things.

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Well Happy Birthday first of all. Sounds like you got a bunch of great presents.*sarcasm*

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This morning I told him that I felt neglected...for that and various other things.....he just got mad and started yelling at me and we got into a big fight.

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How dare you feel neglected? I mean my God you ungrateful woman, why do you think that I should spend any of my money on you. I wanted that stuff, I deserve it and by God, I am going to get whatever I want, whenever I want so you better just accept it.

Does that about sum it up?

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He says that he is a codependent??????

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I read a post here once about being an addict and also being a codependent. It was rather interesting and maybe the people that replied about it will be so kind as to reply to that part of your question again.

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I don't understand if he loves me so much....why he neglects me.....all the time.

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Because you all have a twisted kind of love. The kind of love where control is his way of showing love. A very unhealthy love.
A kind of love where you stay because you are hoping that someday he is going to realize your worth.

Here is some stuff that I found on Codependency.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to ?be themselves.? Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholics, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become ?benefactors? to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may ?pull some strings? to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the ?benefactor.? As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from ?being needed.? When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels with out choice and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to ?love? people they can pity and rescue.
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
A tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts.
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
An extreme need for approval and recognition.
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
A compelling need to control others.
Lack of trust in self and/or others.
Fear of being abandoned or alone.
Difficulty identifying feelings.
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
Chronic anger.
Lying/dishonesty.
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others? opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a ?bad person? when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying ?no? when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can't do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

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Am I asking too much?

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Has he always been this way and you have accepted it? I am not saying that you are asking too much. I am wondering though if you are expecting him to be different than he always has been. If that is the case, maybe it is not that you are expecting too much so much as it is that you are just fed up and realizing that this is not how you really want to live your life. If he has always been this way, then he is what he is and if you choose to stay, that is one of the things that you will have to learn to accept as it is what it is.

JMHO

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I'm not accepting now. I never have.....

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There's also something called DENIAL, Marakris. It's always easiest to see in someone else's situation. The abuse, the addict behavior (whether it be drugs or alcohol), things that you've posted, things that he's posted. I don't say that to piss you off ... but I see you as in a very deep denial.

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To accept what someone is doing would be "to tolerate without protesting"......

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I'm trying to work it out to the best conclusion.

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Which would be what in your opinion?

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60 in favor of believing in no recovery for us.

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Meaning what? 60% that you don't need recovery? ... or 60% that recovery isn't possible?