When your addict is ready to talk

Confrontation and Competition will not work.
Cooperation and Caring will.
If you want to get an addict to talk with you, consider these thoughts.
If there is a good opportunity to talk, and share without hostility, these might be useful ideas.

Of course there are no easy solutions, but there are some that are better than others.
My recommendations would be:

1. Win trust and friendship by giving praise, congratulations, and some form of positive comments about non-meth things in order to start the conversation.
Something simple, “Nice shirt,” “I’m glad to see you.” “Thanks for being here.”

2. “How are you feeling?” At this point he will open up and talk, or b!tch at you and say, “What do you care?” or something similar.

3. Respond with “What do you mean?” or “Tell me more.”
It will take huge amounts of self-control to avoid getting angry, and responding with emotion. Any emotion on your part will indicate to him that he is winning and you are losing. You must remain stone-cold emotionless in your speech and conversation.
Soft and gentle.

4. You can ask open-ended questions, like, “What do you want to do to improve the problems?” and “How do you feel you can get control of the things that bother you?” and “What would your life be like if some of your main problems were solved?”

Avoid questions that can be answered with one word, such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if you want him to talk.

Use the O.A.R.S. technique that has proven to be successful in treatment programs.

O = Open ended question
A = Affirmations, praise, and compliments.
R = Reflections, this is like repeating or paraphrasing what he said, back to him so he knows you care and you’re actually listening to what he’s saying.
S = Summarize the good things that you just heard him say.

--Sfj

Imge
tinrite

Re: When your addict is ready to talk

Here is a serious question.

Part of recovering is being honest with yourself right?

What If your addict still lies about their actions?

Can you belive they are actualy in recovery?

Indiana
shedevil

Re: When your addict is ready to talk

I guess we don't really know. Actions speak louder than words. I know of plenty of people that are serious about their recovery and work the program. I also know that that's not always the case as others talk the talk but don't walk the walk.

Please don't get discouraged. Look at all the recovery people that are around us here at KCI. That should be proof enough that if you have the willingness and surrender, then yes, you can believe in them.

Juliett55

Re: When your addict is ready to talk

Sfj you are brilliant.
I love reading your advising posts, they help me so much. Funny, tonight I needed an advice of how to answer to my addict, who has got a lot on his plate and insanity on top of it. Your post helped me so much.....

imlost
inky

Re: When your addict is ready to talk

Imgetinrite, you asked some very good questions.

Quote:

Part of recovering is being honest with yourself right?

Yes it is a crucial part - HOWEVER for me, my husband, and many I have seen, that honesty starts out small.
The first honesty is admitting it is a problem.
Now that could be a one day admittance in the beginning- as in it is a problem when we are coming down but not a problem when we score.
That can go on for a long time.
But either way, from that first admittance, recovery has begun.

Quote:

What If your addict still lies about their actions?

Count on it for awhile.
The more clean time that comes, the more honesty that comes.
The two go hand in hand.

Quote:

Can you belive they are actualy in recovery?

Yes - but you know each of progresses in our own time.

Now for me, the only time I could talk with hubby at all was during clean times-
very brief conversations to start.
First , though , the compliments had to come.
The atmosphere, the attitude had to soften.

I had to take very small steps.
It is a very slow process-
it did not happen overnight- it will not fix overnight.

My husband used for 3 years.
The first year he got rid of the meth but kept the pot-
Second year, he went with alcohol.

I am just now as we head towards the 3rd year seeing it click for him that this is not working- that going from substance to substance is not working- that he wants more than he will find in a bottle, in a paper, in a pipe.

It is a slow process- it is short talks with long silences.
It is learning how to enjoy each other's company without all the heavy conversation all the time.
Our conversations generally happened once a month for that first 6- 8 months or so.
The rest of the time was just readjusting as people.
Not as an addict- not as a loved one- just learning who the hell we were.

It can't be a constant bombardment of 20 questions- meth can not be the sole subject.
You have to reconnect on a personal level- to get past the strangers.
It is slow- very slow - very tedious at times- very frustrating at times-
but it can indeed be worth it.

If at some point the two minds meet- the two hearts touch.
It is a gamble- no guarantees.
Don't risk more than you are prepared to lose.