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Addicted to Meth at First Sight

Miz
Ricochet

 
Addicted to Meth at first sight

This is long, so you may want to read it when you have more time or print it out to read later. I just want to take you through a very candid journey of how I got started doing meth till the day I quit using it. There will be three parts, The User Stage - The Dealer Stage - The Manufacturer Stage. I am hoping that everyone will get something out of it to help them during their battle with meth.

Pat 1: The User Stage

Meth was a pretty slick pimp. Meth made me promises of a gorgeous never ending bliss and the ability to have what all my heart desired. But, I didn't know it was a pimp from hell at first. All I knew at the time, was I needed and wanted so much good for my life and I fell for Meth's scouting techniques.

I was an exhausted and lonely single mother of four, waiting for a bus at a stop to take me home from my trip to the smoke shop. This cute guy, who had a leather biker's jacket on, gorgeous long and curly hair and a face of an angel caught my eye. He was so righteously enticing. I sat down next to him and initiated some chit chat and I became swallowed up in his charm and a smile that could melt down titanium to a vapor.

As we waited for our bus, I got more personal with him. I shared that I was so tired from caring for my four sweet children and needed something to keep me going so I could do everything I needed to do. I furhter told him that I wished there was a legal speed I could take to help me with my busy day. His attention to what I was saying seemed to awaken something inside of him and I was thinking he connected to what I was saying and really cared.

Amazingly, I totally missed his lack of caring for me personally when he said to me that there was "something" he could hook me up with. I asked him what it was and if he could get me some tonight. His reply was, "It's called Ephedrine. The @#%$ that is in your over the counter cold meds. If you spin the buffer out of it, it turns to pure speed. I can do that for you if you tonight if you pick up a few boxes at the store." Like the dumb ass that I was, I fell for it.

I wasn't afraid to try anything. I was already a prisoner to drugs with a lifetime sentence. I had heard of Meth...but, I didn't know much about how it was made or what it looked like. I hadn't hung with anyone using Meth. So, I was pretty ignorant of what I was doing....at first.

Nick (the dude at the bus stop) and I exchanged phone numbers. I told him I would pick up some boxes on the way home and give him a call when I was ready for him to come pick them up. Later on, he comes to my home and we had a few beers before he took off to "spin out the buffer from this cold med". He returned that night as promised, with little bags of this white stuff.

I swear, at the very moment my eyes beheld this white powder, my spirit surrendered to it's power and I let it take control. He then opens the lil baggie and spills out the substance on my kitchen table, divided it into four equal pretty good sized lines, gives me the straw and I knew what to do from there on.

First snort, I am in pain...my sinuses burned like hell and my eyes watered bad. He assured me that it would stop and to just hurry and do the other line. Same shooting pain and boy did I hate it. He told me to just sit back and relax and let myself go. I sit back and I started feeling my heart rate beat faster, then came this chill up my spine and my hair stood up on end as the @#%$ started to work. And he was right, the pain in the nose stopped.

Then, it hit my head big time, I was all of a sudden wide awake, feeling this supernatural power within me rise to it's throne and instantly I became addicted. Remember, I didn't know I was doing Meth. All I knew is that this dust is taking me on a wild ride on the wild side and I didn't know where all it was going to take me. I had the sudden need to go to my bedromm where I could go through this first trip out of the site of my kids, who were in the livingroom watching television.

I summons Nick to come with me and he followed me in there. Don't know why to this day, but I felt the need to stand up against this one wall in my room...and as I stood there holding on to the wall, I felt as if my body was lifting off the floor. I became like a freed spirit who had been bound to earth for too long. I was flying free into the picture perfect state of mind my human soul desired to be in for so long.

Free from fear, free from heartache, free from insecurity, and free from my own self hatred for having so many shortcomings and inabilities to do all and be all to my kids and everyone around me. I was free at last! Reality of this false freedom was going to be a real bondage that would crash down on me one day. I layed aside all other drugs for Meth. Cause, Meth did all and became all for me, like no other drug did in the past.

Two months later, I was getting suspicious of what I really was doing. I knew the signs of being addicted and I was aware that I became addicted to this new stuff. I confronted Nick's brother, Teddy one day and flat out asked him what Nick was giving me. Ted looks up at me with eyebrows raised and responded with, "Nick hasn't told you?" I shake my head no. He responds with, "You're doin fuckin' meth."

For only a split second, I was enraged. It was a short lived rage of anger. Meth already deprogrammed my brain's prior way to feel emotions and behave. Meth had replaced it with a new program that would kill my ability to feel and behave in a way that didn't leave room to care for anyone else but me and nothing else but getting the next high. So, I shrugged off my anger towards Nick as Teddy brought out his own sack and a glass pipe and we got high.

Up until that day, I was secluding myself at home and had not known any other way to do Meth other than snorting it. My sinuses were becoming so damaged, that I was having nosebleeds and feeling like my eyes were gonna pop out of my head. So, Teddy showed me how to smoke it with his glass pipe. "Cool, no more nosebleeds and the high is faster. I can dig this.", I thought to myself. I became a pro in no time, went out to buy me my own pipe and never snorted it again.

Couple of weeks later, it was my birthday. All my tweaker "friends" threw me a party at Ted's house. This is when Nick, who was my boyfriend then, brings me a small and slender box with a card. I open the card that tells me how he loved me, wanted this birthday to be remembered forever and couldn't wait till I saw what he got me.

Then, I opened the present and I find a rig (syringe) already filled with dope. I took it out and looked up at him and smiled and said, "Okay, so I can do it this way....let's do it." Nick said so proud, "Everybody, the lil virgin is about to get her cherry plucked." I laughed and looked down to pump up a vein and I shot it in. Little did I know what I was getting myself into and little did I know how it would change my way of thinking from that point on.

Slamming (shooting it) it was different than I had experienced in all the other ways of doing it. Suddenly, I was mentally bolted of my chair and thrown high into cosmic planes that were beyond my wildest imaginations. I was above anyone and anything and I felt power like I had never before in all my drug days.

As I physically sit in my chair, my mind was so far away that nobody in the room existed but me. Out from nowhere, a voice spoke to me saying, "Come to me my lil girl, I will toss you as high as you want to fly. I won't turn my back on you, push you away or get mad and yell at you to get away like that bastard who created you. Fly lil girl, just fly." This voice was as real as if I were talking face to face with someone.

By this time, I was thrown into a world of bliss and ecstacy and feeling nothing but love. Although, it was counterfit, it was still a love that I never felt before. I started becoming aware of my body, energy buzzing through it like I was plugged in a power supply. My breathing was charged and steady in beat with my racing heart. I could hear me breath and my heart pumping in my ears so loud and even that alone gave me a rush, cause I really thought I was in control of that and I got off on it.

Suddenly, I was so aware that I was sexually charged and ready to explode. The voice came to speak to me once more and said, "Your arousal is what you created in your mind. Let the power you have inside your mind to create your orgasm. You do not need anything or anyone any longer to satisfy you, as you have the power to think it in to existance yourself, and without shame." So, I surrendered to my self-serving passion and I was not the same after that.

Now that I am clean, I look back on that night and I know what it was all about. I believe now that there were two deep rooted and very painful issues still unresolved in my past. Meth, in a destructive way, blocked the hurt so I could allow myself to live out what I wished would have happened during my childhood and teen years. Instead of the undeserving experiences that I was forced to accept as normal. In essence, Meth became a dual entity that work in my head to create parents I wished my own were when I was younger...and to create a young girl that I had wished I would have been.

The experience of flying in my Meth trip I feel came from wanting my dad to do things with me. The biggest one I wanted that I tried so hard to get him to do was to pick me up and toss me in the air. I remember many of times running up to him with hands up, begging him to do this. He only responded with either pretending like he didn't hear me and walk away, or push me on the ground and stomp off, or yell and cuss at me for bugging him. So, Meth became daddy and gave me my ultimate wish.

The experience of thinking my own sexual pleasure into existance without shame came from my own pain from being sexually molested by both my mom (who I call my birth vehicle) and my dad (who I call the sperm donor) . I was so young, almost 12 years old when they started molesting me. I had no concept of this being abnormal or sickening behavior of parents. I actually had orgasms from my parents like as if this was suppose to happen. And, I know there are those of you that might think I was a sick kid for liking it, but look at what mentors of morality I had to look up to. It wasn't until my mid teen years that I became horrorifically aware that this was dead wrong.

I think while I was in the state of mind that Meth brought me to that night, I became that young girl and lived out taking a stand against their molestation and taking control over my own sexual desire, as I wished I had done back then. Until I quit using meth and my head got clear, I hadn't realized that I was carrying around this pain and shame all my life. Pain from their betrayal as parents and the most debilitating shame for enjoying what they were doing to me.

From that moment on, I found a heightened sense of power and control. I was no longer like God....I was now a God...I became my own God...I was God. The next year and a half, Meth helped me to develope a way to create barriers against the pain of my past, present and future. Nothing could hurt me and nothing could mess my head over anymore. I felt nothing and the God I thought I was, became nothing more than a robot programed to seek out the next high.

What I didn't realize back then, is that the more I hungered for Meth so I couldn't feel pain anymore, the more I couldn't feel love....by the end of that year and a half, I only functioned mechanically as a mother and I no longer had a drive to emtonially connect with my kids. Thus, our bond between us that was once so beautiful and alive, became nothing and dead to me as well.

And just to think, it all started out because I wanted a mommy's lil helper to pick me up and put me on my feet again, so I could be a better mommy. After all, I was set out to be a better parent than both my parents could have ever imagined being, even to their death beds. But, it's ironic now to think that the very same drug I wanted to better my mothering abilities is the same one that destroyed it eventually. Eventhough, I never abused my kids or sexually molested them, I became the very same cold hearted, self-centered and non-loving parent as my parents were to me. Ouch, huh?

This is the end of Part 1

     Replies...
Scared
Angel

 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

WOW! What a powerful beginning. I can't wait to read the Part 2 and 3.
I'm on the edge of my seat wondering how your children are, since I'm a single mother of two and a recovering addict.

desp
housewife

 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

Deep, truthfull, & gripping, such an innocent start, bet it turned ugly real fast,,waiting for part 2.
Peace & Love and the strenght to continue & educate!
Waiting for the next chapter.

Lacey
LoO16

 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

That was an awesoem story, very sad but the way it sounds is awesome! I cant wait to read the rest of it!

bg75
 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

Your story embraced me. I am eager to hear parts 2 and 3.
This board does such a good job at reminding us we are never alone.

Nana
44

 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

I generally avoid mini-series, it drives me nuts to have to wait for the rest of the story. Hope you don't keep me waiting too long

Miz
Ricochet

 
Re: Addicted to Meth at first sight

Thankyou so very much for your responses to my story. I feel that honesty is the first step that all addicts must get to before they can move on to all other steps to recovery.

And, I am aware that what I share about myself here isn't at all something I look back on without shame....but, I feel that in sharing the good, bad and the ugly of my days as a Meth user is a way I can contribute to helping someone battling against the war on Meth....instead of contributing to helping Meth gain control and power over lives, as I did.

I will try to get part 2 posted soon.


See also:

Effects on the Family and loved Ones from Crystal Meth and Methamphetamine Topics


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