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Porn, Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery


jeninoz Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery

Hi All,

Further to my post below. Looks like he's in full blown use again. I haven't spoken to him since last night around 6 pm. He is usually harrassing me by now. I'm getting a little worried.

He's super paranoid saying I'm having an affair (which I'm not). There's usually no way he would "let" me fly off for 11 nights without him.

I'm scared, lonely, but not calling him (although my daughter called and left him a voicemail earlier without me knowing).

******************

Hi Guys,

A not so happy update from me.

As some might know, I had to ask my husband to leave home nearly 2 weeks ago now due to his out of control meth addiction. While using meth, this went hand in hand (quite literally) with an addiction to porn (and gambling..).

Anyway, as some might know, I think he's been clean just over a week and we've been doing some nice stuff as a family whilst he's been out of home.

I've asked him to come over a couple of times after meetings and he's been "too tired". I just let this go. I've been getting a little suspicous that he's using but think I'll be suspicious for quite some time.

Anyway, last night he came and had a shower here after work and we were going to watch a DVD together. He said "I'm really tired" and there's no way I'll get through the 3 hours of King Kong so we decided to just put it on and see what happened.

To cut a long story short, he asked if there's anything I wanted to bring up. I said "Yeah, are you clean" to which he said "yes", then I asked "are you watching porn" and he said "yeah, I've got one". To which I freaked out completely. Now don't get me wrong, I've got no problem with porn but I know it goes hand in hand with his using and to be honest, I'd hoped he'd be trying to move away from his sex addiction whilst he was out of home. I suppose I also feel that again, he's choosing porn over the real thing (me). We ended up having a big fight and as usual, he just walked out. Told me he's got a new sim card for his phone so I can't check his calls and then turned his phone off all night.

I'd kinda hoped that with him moving out he'd really miss me and the kids but I think he's now subtly using this against me and saying "well, you can't have it both ways...you asked me to leave....I'm still a man with urges and I don't want to go elsewhere".

I'm really confused and need some advice....we're supposed to be going on a family holiday on Tuesday....I'm starting to feel like this is very onesided.

     Replies...
eyes
open83
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
hi jen,
ummm,im at a bit of a lost with this one..I,as a using meth addict,never got into the whole porn and sex craze stuff,so im not sure..
i dont think that him having a porn movie and watching it occasionally is a sign that hes using,he is a man,living on hes own,men have needs that need meeting ya know what i mean...
the porn movie just proves hes a man nt an addict i think..
as for you thinking hes choosing the porn over you,you did kick him out(which i am not judging in any way i think it was a good move actually)so really he doesnt have the choice,the porn is there,you are not..
i cant reall say about the holiday jen,i get an uneasy feeling thinking about it but that is a choice you are going to have to think about...
arent you leaving to come here today
jeninoz Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
The porn thing is an addiction on it's own but usually ends up being mixed up with the meth....I'm scared on different levels....one, that he's going back to meth and two, that he can't stop watching porn even for a week!
eyes
open83
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
unfortuntely jen, you cant control either of those thing, he has know reason not to watch porn now..hes living by himself...
if it is an addiction well then you understand how hard it is...
i have to go now..i hear AA calling me...
talk to you when i get home yeah
no more
mething
around
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi Jen,

He KNOWS the porn is a problem with you because of the meth !? I realize men have their needs  but hey, so do we girls !

For you, this is a betrayal, like seeing someone else. This has been part of the deal, "cut the crap with the porn, buddy".

I think you DO have a problem with porn. Not for everyone else, but for you guys. That is completely understandable. Problem is, if he's not really getting off the meth, then the rest of it isn't going to stop either.

I hate to say this, because I know it isn't a popular stand, but I don't believe porn is good for a marriage period. To me, it's like inviting other people into your bedroom. The marriage bed is sacred.

I realize this is just one of many issues for you , but it all boils down to him making the decision to get as active in recovery as he's been with the drugs, the porn and the gambling. That is the bottom line.

He has to put his own thoughts in action, not yours. Kicking him out won't make him ready, your tirades about his activities won't do it either. I know you know all this.

So, the fight, him leaving and making sure you can't get ahold of him are all non productive ways of dealing with the real problem. His addictions and your inability to change it or control it. Addicts are selfish, he didn't think twice about how you would feel about the porn. He's not thinking of your needs or he wouldn't even go there with you.

You will have to decide at some point how far you are willing to see this through. You get one life, no one else gets to waste it for you by taking away your choices.

You get ONE life. You have every right to be vocal about and validated for your personal values and boundaries.

Your fight is for a decent life for you and your kids and your man - IF he so chooses. You may have to face the fact that you will do this without him.

There is no room for meth, porn or gambling in that equation.

Set your boundaries with him, do your hell bent best to keep them, and you can at least be proud of you. At the end of the day, one day at a time, we have to look in the mirror.

I was happy to see your email, haven't seen you post on the SI board lately. There are sooo many people on that site !!! Kinda sad, isn't it, what people are capable of doing to each other.

Thinking of you, sending you a hug and prayers for strength.
TnSkye Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
I, too, grew tired of all the porn.

When telling him how I felt continued to fail, I yelled it.

When that failed, I threw away movies, toys, magazines.

Know what that accomplished? Nothing.

He went out and replaced everything I threw away, usually spending more money than he originally did.

We can't change them, we can't control them. We can't make them believe the same way we do. All we have control of is ourselves and our actions.

If you don't like his behavior, figure out what you want to do about it as far as your reactions, not how you can get him to change.

If he wants to keep using porn, he will. He may lie more, he may try harder to hide it, but he'll keep it up as long as he wants.
channa2 Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Sounds like you two are living in different worlds. If I suddenly found myself with needs, wishes, boundaries, interests etc that are in reality very different from my spouse, I may consider changing the situation to someone with the same interests in life as my own. I cannot wait to see if my "mate" is in fact even capable of changing to match what I desire and need from a partner. Once I find some new friends with like interests in life, I'm sure life will become fun again....something worth sharing in healthy ways. We are not locked into sick, dysfunctional people or relationships... the choice for freedom and fun is always there for us. Having made some of these choices myself I can assure you life gets better as we do the things necessary to give ourSELF the best! Healthy fun relationships come from healthy fun people. If I wish to have a healthy fun honest loving relationship, I might try going with someone that has those qualifications... Ya just can't get sweet wine from sour grapes... Love me
jeninoz Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi,

I went to church with my kids after I posted.

Lisa, you know what, you're right. I do have a problem with porn for US. I just feel like I'm getting old and boring (I'm 35). I'm in recovery myself and seem to be becoming "good". I read some of the "posters" here and think "hey, I'm just not that cool anymore". I suppose porns OK if used for a bit of fun, but not when it's been in a relationship like it has in mine...an obsession and addiction.

He started ringing and texting...again, accusing me of affairs. Calling me disgusting names....I'm shattered. I know I should finish this but I just don't seem to have the strength.

He told me to tell the kids it's over, that he can't keep going on like this, that he's not coming home, that he's thought about it and doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore...then, he sends a text and that he's left Easter Eggs for the kids and on the balcony...I went up and he has and bought my very favourite chocolate. WHAT'S GOING ON?????? I'm so sad and lonely. I KNOW he still loves me and God knows why, but I love him too. This is a tragedy. We're supposed to be going away in a couple of days...I bet I let him come.....I sound like a whining victim. I know what I'd be telling ME!! I'm sorry guys.....
no more
mething
around
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Hi Jen,

Thinking about you, about your trip.

Like you don't have enough to do, being gone for 11 days requires serious planning and details up the wazoo !

The mail, the plants, the pets, the house, packing, phone calls,itinerary....I assume you are taking care of all that business yourself....and then not knowing whether dad is going on the family holiday?

That's some friggin' holiday, hey?

I'm amazed at how you are dealing with all this !

And dealing with an addict is just plain confusing. Nothing will make rational sense. They reel you in, cast you off...reel you in, cast you off.... take you for a ride on the rollercoaster. It all has to do with the frame of mind the drug has them in on which day.

There is no figuring out what they are going to do or not going to do. You just never know. That's why you just concentrate on figuring out you. Be your own best friend.

Perhaps a change of scenery will do you guys some good - you and the kids, I mean. Get out of the familiar surroundings , gain some perspective.

I hope you can relax some, though. Have some much needed fun with the kiddos. It's going to be difficult whether he goes or not.

Will you be staying in touch while globetrotting ? I will look for you.
katelin
24
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Jen- I know exactly what you mean. the porn and meth do go together and you have every right to not want him using porn. He may be a "man" with "needs" but if he's serious about fixing your relationship, and you want the porn gone, he should respect that and get rid of the porn. To say he just can't help himself because you kicked him out and he needs it is just b*llsh*t.

Good luck with what you're going through. I hope he sees the ight and gtes his sh*t together but if not, I think you'll be okay without him!
imlost
inky
Re: Porn...Sex Addiction & Meth Recovery
Quote:
WHAT'S GOING ON??????
Addiction JeninOz. That is what is going on.
It has nothing to do with needs here.There is no logic and reason in meth.
It has to do with chemical reactions- meth has got his body full charged.
A fully charged battery with no outlet.He will watch and play ,watch and play, watch and play some more for hours - and never get satisifed.
It will never be enough.
Then it will get to where even that won't work.
It's called Crystal D.... you can guess the rest.

That is meth, that is addiction.
The women in the movies, it has nothing to do with how they look.It has to do with just watching the act.
It doesn't matter what they look like.He isn't seeing them anymore than he is seeing you.
The only thing he is thinking about right now is his next baggie.
Nothing is more important to him right now than that next hit.
Period.

You can do everything right- be so "cool" meet him at the door wearing nothing at all and he would still go off.
Because then you are naked and waiting for the UPS man to deliver.
You can be Martha Stewart, have that house spic and span, gourmet dinner on the table-
and in his mind, it will be because you screwed the butcher.

It isn't anything you did wrong.It is addiction.

You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
You can't make him do anything-
You can't change him.

You can change you. You can fix you. You can do for you.
This is his addiction, he will have to ride that ride until he is done.
Period.
The choices you have - how much control does his addiction have over you and your life?
That is it.

Try Naranon- really. It can help you to regain your sanity.

See also:

Sex, Sexual Problems, and Crystal Meth / Methamphetamine


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