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My fiancé is a meth addict, advice on how to deal with this


meliza33 My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please..
I won't go into detail because those of you who live with meth addicts, I already know the story of living with one. This is my first relationship of dealing with this sort of thing. I am looking for advice from family's who have went through this or are still going through this, because every time I find it, I go crazy with hurt and anger. How do I cope with this? I love him and I don't want to end it.

     Replies...

nine
years
clean
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Quote:
This is my first relationship of dealing with this sort of thing.
Make it your last.
Quote:
I love him and I don't want to end it.
Turn in the opposite direction and run like hell and never look back.

Trust me. I know of what I speak. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it. Don't waste one more second with this person, other than to help him get into recovery. Be his friend. Do not be his lover, do not be his girlfriend, do not get engaged, do not expect anything but disappointment and hurt and turmoil and drama and pain.

Stick around. You've found the right place. Don't let my words scare you off...I am speaking my mind, and you are free to do what you will. I am speaking, however, from experience.

Meth Survivor
meliza33 Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
My God, that is so not the answer I was looking for. I want to stay with him and I want to help him through this.
Been
There 1

Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Yes RUN LIKE HELL. “Stay with him and help him” Spoken like a true enabler! Learn what you can about this drug and addiction, but the best advice is cut your losses and save yourself. Good Luck.
Guene Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Does he know you know? And does his family know? Have you talked to him about it at all. It's not easy to be with someone on meth, they change and become a whole different person, I think it would do you good to do allot of reading on it and coming to this board will help alot. There is also alot of good sites with information. Lori was not trying to upset you, she was just trying to tell you its really a hard road and things could get out of hand. Bobbie
brwe70 Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
I'm sure you do love him deeply but you need to listen to these people, they know what they're talking about. Do as much research on this as possible. Take care and God bless!
meliza33 to answer your question
yes, he knows I know. I have found it every time and we end up fighting really bad. Actually I just lose my mind and go off on him then he quits for a while. He's relapsed 4 times in 2 years. He's been to prison because of it and he's afraid that if he goes for help he will go back...I know like doing it won't get him there first!
TnSkye Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
I'm not going to tell you to run. I will tell you that it would be for the best to not marry him anytime soon. Spend some time learning about this addiction because there is a great deal to it.

If he doesn't want to quit, he won't. No amount of begging, screaming, threatening, guilt trips, ultimatums are going to make him want to quit before he is good and ready.

If you marry him while he is actively using you are guaranteed a life of lies, him spending hours with other people and that DOES include other women, disappearing money, moodiness, anger, sometimes violence, paranoia, blame, turning everything around to make it your fault, manipulating....You can forget "happily ever after" as you probably have dreamed about it.

You can be happy with an active user, but you have to know how to find that happiness yourself. He isn't going to give it to you.

And if he does decide to quit, he may tell you he can quit on his own, he isn't 'bad' enough for meetings, therapy. The truth is an addict is an addict. There are a very few who can quit on their own, but most often what works is when the active faithfully works some type of program.

Spend some time learning. Don't let us make up your mind. Knowledge is power so learn and decide what is best for you, not your man, YOU.
meliza33 Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
I agree with all you said, I know the screaming and yelling and begging does nothing and I know he will quit when he's ready. I have already told him that I cant marry him with all this, every thing has changed. He goes to work comes home, is always home, but some how manages to make a quick stop somewhere and get him some or from work, he never tells. He's not abusive or mean. It's just he's truly not himself, there are money issues, and I can't stand the thought of it killing him and putting us all in danger. I don't know if I just let him do it and deal with it, or do we separate and end it. I've read everything there is to know about an addict, I'm just starting to look for help on how to live with one because if it weren't for that I would be truly happy. That is our only issue that is bad enough to break us up.
TnSkye Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
My husband had to use to feel good. It was the only time he was nice. When he was abstaining, he was terrible to be around.

They can become violent when coming down from binges, trying to protect their drugs/habit....I'm missing something here....

I left the bedroom but stayed with him until he showed signs of paranoia. He had already spent every dime we had and left us about $100,000 in debt. I supported him through all of that, until he started carrying guns and knives, even on vacation. He bought alarms for all the doors and windows. He bought us all whistles and bought a body alarm for himself.

I don't know if it was just paranoia or if someone was after him. I just knew that my safety and our daughter's safety was being compromised. I then kicked him out.

Since then, my life has gotten so much better. I hadn't worked in 10 years, I was a home schooling mom. I did what was best and so far, it has paid off.

I kicked my husband out 14 months ago, and less than a year ago I moved to a different town. He's still using. He doesn't get to have our daughter for weekends or day trips. He has to see her here, where I can see.

Legally, we've been married 13 years, together 15.

This could be your life too. Keep reading so you can make the right choices for you.
Time4
Change
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
It's a major issue though. After 15 years I wish I had Lori's advice to turn around and run cuz knowing what I know now the door wouldn't have time to shut before I peeled out of the driveway.
nine
years
clean
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Quote:
He's relapsed 4 times in 2 years.
As far as YOU know. I guarantee, he's used many, many more times that twice a year. Meth doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. I'm sorry to tell you like it is, but that's my job.
Quote:
He's been to prison because of it and he's afraid that if he goes for help he will go back...I know like doing it won't get him there first!
Sweetheart, I went to prison because of it. I promise you, he's well aware that going for treatment will NOT land him back in prison. Inmates know more than corrections officers about how the system works, I know.

He's using that as an excuse to keep using. I hope I'm wrong, but I know I'm not. I wish I were.
TnSkye Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Quote:
He's relapsed 4 times in 2 years. He's been to prison because of it and he's afraid that if he goes for help he will go back
I guess I missed this.

Excuses, excuses. I don't know that people go back to prison for getting help for a drug addiction.

THAT is the life you can expect. And it can get much, much worse before it gets better. He may decide to sell it, cook it.

I'll be honest. When I was 21-22 and dating my husband, if someone had told me where my life with him was headed, I would have ran the other way, and fast. There are just too many fish in the sea.

We separated after our daughter was born and got back together. Had I known THEN where our lives were headed, I'd have stayed all the same. We did have some really great times and were able to raise our daughter together for several years. I mark my years with this man as a learning experience and I'm moving on and growing.

Like I said, this could be your life in a few years.
Crystal
Clear
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Run ... don't think twice. I guarantee the addict in your life won't, he hasn't so far ... what has changed?

Right now sweetheart, is a cross road in your life. What you choose now, will affect you tomorrow and for many tomorrow's to come.

Meth. Addiction is a self inflicted prison. Choose freedom! You'll be glad you did.
loveman
hatemeth1
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
I'm sorry, but unless he is ACTIVELY seeking recovery (and by that, I mean not just saying he'd like to be clean, I mean going to meetings, rehab or some other form of recovery) then you are truly wasting your life.

Please don't do that.
Rachel
sue76
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Quote:
every time I find it, I go crazy with hurt and anger
I know that it is upsetting to find out that the person that you love is a liar and an addict but, getting hurt and angry when you find his stash is pointless. You know that he is an addict and unless he is doing anything about recovery, it is pretty safe to assume that he is an active addict. Meaning he is going to do what active addicts do. He is going to use drugs. By taking it personally you are taking the responsibility for his use out of his hands.
If you are thinking to your self if only this and if only that, you are taking responsibility for his use.

He is the one responsible for it. He chooses to use.


I will not tell you to run like hell or to stay. You are the only one who knows how much you can take. I would say don't marry him anytime soon though.

I chose to stay and it was a long and hard road to where we are today. My husband has 10 weeks clean tomorrow. It is possible to quit but, that does not mean that life goes back to "normal" as soon as they quit using. There is withdrawal, cravings, bad dreams, relapse, and so many other things.

Right now my husband is at the blob stage.


If you really want to stay with him until he decides to stop using, you should learn all that you can about living with an addict.
JUSTCATS Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
If you truly want advice, then you will listen to what these people at this board are telling you. They know, they have been there. I think that you are looking for a different answer, then what they are giving you- and that is not, what you are going to get from them... I too, have a now exfiance that was addicted to meth. If you stick around you will slowly, but surely watch him DIE! You cannot make them quit- they have to hit rock bottom and want to quit for themselves. My ex has went to the ER for seizures and thinking he was having a heart attack... He was violent, and paranoid... He would steal from his own mother to get high. This is not the person he truly is. The devil's drug has taken over his life, and robbed him of his soul. Currently, he is incarcerated, and that is possibly, the only reason why he is still alive, today. You need to take care of yourself. This addiction will ruin your relationship. It will rob him of his health, his sanity, and his soul. You will suffer right along with him. I have been there and done that, and I have decided that I need to take care of myself or I will die right along with him. Please listen to what these people are telling you. The choice to stick with him is yours, but I think that you need to hear the reality of this addiction. Take care!
25 years
but no
more
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
You cannot MAKE him quit, if he does not WANT to quit. He will only drag you down with him. Welcome to the board! I am hoping that you will find the answers here that you are looking for. Peace be with you through this trying time.
Loraura Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
I'm going to borrow some words of wisdom that catest posted about, which SFJ got from Dr. Phil and passed on to her.

You have been standing by him and trying to help him for a while now. Right?

"And how's that working for you?"

If you are looking for something else YOU can do to make HIM change. I'm sorry but there are no answers for that. It is him and him alone that must change.

You've allready tried being supportive and staying in the relationship, and it doesn't seem that that is working for you.

Maybe it's time for you to try something else. Somewhere else. Someone else.
catest Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
ditto.

I know it has to be hard. I was the addict...my husband STAYED, but he should have taken the kids and got the hell out of there, because I was NOT OKAY. I hate to admit it, but he ENABLED ME so that I never had to pay any consequences other than the death of my spirit, which, thankfully, was enough for me to drag my azz to rehab.

Whatever happens...whatever you decide to do...please continue to stay here. YOU are gonna need the support - I promise you.
Methurts
families
Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
well,my hubby is a meth addict.And I wanted to say "how to deal with it"...well I wont lie,its HARD.
Perhaps the lies,the betrayal,the coldness,the complete change in him may be the hardest thing you may ever wrap your brian around.\
Ask yourself if you think you have the emotional wealth it takes to have your heart ripped out of you and your soul completly torn to shreds.
It is very hard, but with a lot of love,patience,and perhaps counselling for you,maybe you can stick it out.
I came to this forum for advice for help, I went to a drug counsller,I have tried loving him, talking to him, caring for him, crying for him.Nothing I do seemsto even put a dent in his addicted mind.
Please take a step aside,and try to live for yourself,get a job( if you dont have one), go to school,go for walks, go out to movies.
Live YOUR life first,and re,as hard as it may seem, your man is still human, treat him like one even he he does not behave like one all the time. Good luck, I hope you make the right decsion.
My hubby is going on 2 years with his addiction,and no relief in site. I hope things work out for you.
new Re: My fiancé is a meth addict, advice please...
Just found this site but I wanted to respond even though it has been a month since you posted. I scanned through the responses and everything was about you and your feelings and what you would go through, which is valid. But have your tubes tied so you don't bring a kid into this hell, a kid that will end up not having a father.

Then you can stay and help as long as you like.

See also:

Functioning Meth Addicts - How long can they live like this?


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