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| givemecredit |
Engaged to an ex-addict I kinda stumbled on the board whilst looking for info on meth, and it seems fairly active, so I figured I'd ask my questions here. Background: Just over a year ago, I met an American girl (I'm English and live in London) while she was in London visiting Friends. I spent three days with her, and within that three days, I realised I found someone special. I stayed in contact via the phone and e-mail, and things have now progressed to the point where we're engaged. Previously she told me that as a teenager, she lived on the streets, and used meth heavily; being from England I had never encountered meth, but, I had experience with cocaine and based my assumptions on meth from that, since she said meth was like coke, but 10 times more and some. Before meeting me, she had entirely given up on all drugs, drink and smoking from age 17. I visited her in June, and we ended up in a bar, and we ended up drunk together, it wasn't a problem, she didn't drink after I left. She said she hadn't felt the need. I visited her again where she lives, and we ended up once again getting drunk at various bars, and drinking at her place. She has two small kids from a previous marriage, and never kept alcohol in the house until after my visit in September, at which point she started buying and keeping liquor in the house, and began drinking moderate amounts. She visited me here in London for NYE, and, since it was NYE, I indulged in coke... I offered her, and she took it with me. She was quite obviously in to it, and part of our trip was spent in Amsterdam; needless to say, we smoked a lot of pot as well. Honestly, as much as we enjoyed it drinking, smoking and coke, she hasn't gone off the rails after because of it. Question: I'll be moving to the states by the end of the year, and I know that I will most likely be able to obtain meth. I'm intensely curious about what had her hooked all those years ago, and seeing how she hasn't had any problems with drinking, smoking or coke after doing them with me, I wanted to try meth, and to try it with her. I'm wondering if anyone has dropped it and picked it up years on, for a one off(she stopped at 17, and will be 29 come august)? I want to do what I said, but I also don't want to put her in a position of it being a problem again. Bear in mind all she has done with me, and how she has had no problem with it. I'd really appreciate objective advice. Thanks.
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| angieNcali |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict I have to fight desperatltly to contain myself here I am shaking. okay deep breaths. Deep breath. God, Please DON'T DO IT !!!! She has kids ... dont mess with this stuff. There wouldnt be boards like this.... if meth was this wonderful easy to walk away from DRUG. I Promise you will eventually regret it if you do. |
| catest |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict Ditto what Angie said. Seriously. OMFG.
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| sickandtired77 |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addictQuote: Quote:Sounds a bit contradictory to me. She didn't drink, smoke, do coke or anything... now she's buying liquor to keep in her home and drinking moderately? I think you should maybe respect her boundaries a bit more. Quote: Meth can be instantly addictive. If she had a problem in the
past, I don't think it would be very nice of you to encourage a
relapse. Curiousity killed the cat... |
| givemecredit |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict I am, have been reading, but all info is from recently recovering addicts, or people in the middle of it. How do I quote? |
| catest |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict What do you consider "recently"? Please...don't.
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| BenTwelvetoes |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict Ummmm... Ex addicts don't do stuff like coke or drinkin or the Amsterdam drug scene. Or maybe they do on the way back into active addiction. Good luck and blessings brother, you are gonna need em. Love Ben
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| TnSkye |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict OH heavens! At least you asked before you did this!!!! I'm having a hard time believing that she is an addict and can drink, smoke dope, and do coke with you, but has no problem........It doesn't make sense at all. Quite often addicts go from one drug to another. I don't think she's telling you the whole story. About meth, there is no such thing as "recovered," only "recoverING." If you do meth with her, you will both me making a huge huge mistake. Once she tastes it, there may not be any turning back for her until she self-destructs again. For you, what if you do like it? You may try it again. Almost guaranteed by the time you try it the 3rd time, you will be addicted too. Read the stories here. Meth is a one way road to hell. And a trip to rehab doesn't fix this. It is a daily battle for the rest of their lives for 99% of the addicts. (that's MY stat, not a proven fact) Nothing good can come from this curiosity if you act on it. Please take our word for it. You do not need to see for yourself. You may not walk away with all you walked into it with. There are very few people who try meth who don't become addicted. It is THAT great. Anyone with experience is not going to tell you to go ahead and try it, that it will be ok. Because it won't.
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| TnSkye |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addictQuote:And who better to learn the truth from??????? Quote by highlighting text, click quote button to the left of the text box, the paste in the pop up box.
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| angieNcali |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict I agree. I have been clean now for 3+ years. I used for 10 years. It is a nightmare. And you won't think at first you have a problem at all. It will make you think everything is fine ... mean while ... you'll be trading in everything in your life for it ... and not even realize it. Until one day your left with nothing but your misery and a whole lot of damage .... that you won't ever think you can undo. There is a REASON why She Quit. A very very very REAL, And Strong REASON why she quit. |
| givemecredit |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Ok, well she says she was an addict, and unless she's an awesome liar , I'm inclined to believe it's the truth; but it was like 12 years ago. She spent most of her 16th year, becoming or being addicted, eventually only stopping when her friend smashed his head in to a wall repeatedly, and she was the only one willing to take him to hospital because the rest of the people feared being busted if they did; which is exactly what happened to her. She said the doc spotted her and started asking questions; he asked what day it was, and she told him "Wednesday, been wednensday for the past 5 fu**ing days" She said the cops turned up soona after that, and she had two options, one was rehab, so she took that, and spent 6 months on some wilderness rehab thing.
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angieNcali |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Okay and why didnt she go back to using at some point ? Why did she stay stopped. It is a very dangerous POWERFUL drug. You won't even Know who you are by the time .... you want out. I would say by the time it is done with you .... BUT IT IS NEVER DONE WITH YOU.
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| sickandtired77 |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Quote: No "buts". Once an addict, always an addict. Really. Just because she is not currently an ACTIVE addict does not mean that it is no longer a weakness. PLEASE don't encourage her to become active in her addiction again... she's come too far. Instead, you might consider being supportive of her drug-free lifestyle. It really is the more appealing of the 2 choices! Meth ruins lives. The things you read here are very real! My husband is a recovering meth addict... he realizes that he will *never* be able to use occasionally or just one more time; his addiction won't allow for it. Your fiance isn't likely to be so different...
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| TnSkye |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
I'm not a meth addict. But my husband has been for 20++ years. He's lost everything time and time again but meth is still his best friend. It's easier to give up everything you once cared about than to give up meth, no matter how bad things get. Your fiancee could be different, but why chance it? Most addicts can't do ANY drug because it leads them back to their drug of choice-meth. We have seen many addicts come here who were clean for many years then were sucked back into it. I'm an alcoholic. Could I drink one drink and stop? Maybe, but I don't want to find out. I may drink myself to death the next time I get my hands on alcohol. That's not a chance I'm willing to take. You don't have to see things my way, I'm just explaining how I think.
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| givemecredit |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Ok, I'll be fully upfront. I was heavily in to coke for about a year, to the point where I was selling weed, and spending the £500 odd per week I was making on it on coke, but I ended up deciding after a really heavy binge, to drop it. Anyway, blah blah, I managed to stop, and now, I can go back a year on from stopping having any, and indulge in some on occassion. Given my circumstances, I was wondering if anyone did anything similar with meth. By the way, I do appreciate everyone's objective advice.
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sickandtired77 |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
I'm not telling you it's IMPOSSIBLE because frankly, I don't know first-hand. But really... why chance it?!
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| angieNcali |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
I have never Met anyone. By the time we are able to finally crawl away from it's grips ...... and we either Fight with every last ounce of us ... to STAY AWAY ....... or we go back .... There is no grey area. No middle of the road solution. It either f'kn has you or it doesnt. PLEASE DEAR GOD ......... Don't let it get you.
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| TnSkye |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict I've been researching for 2 years or so. From what I have learned, No, one cannot casually use meth. There are plenty who THINK they are using casually until they try to quit.
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| Naiev Newlywed |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Ok, I too am trying to be calm and will try to be as nice as I can. What the hell were you thinking giving her coke knowing she was a recovering addict? That is not love.
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| givemecredit |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Quote: I didn't think being addicted 12 years ago counted as recovering.
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| TnSkye |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Once an addict, always an addict. It is never cured. That's why earlier I said there is no recoverED, only recoverING.
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| choosefreedom |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
In my experience, if an ex-addict is using drugs (any drug) then they are not an ex-addict but an active addict. Abby, addict
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| nineyearsclean |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Hello givemecredit and Welcome!! You need this forum, badly. I don't know about your girlfriend, because I haven't heard from her yet, but YOU definitely need to stay here if you are considering marrying someone who is a former meth addict, and trying meth yourself, because.... You seem to be under the mistaken impression that meth is something we, as addicts, can just pick up and put down whenever we please. YOU ARE WRONG!! Dead wrong. You also describe your curiosity about meth and that you want to try some with her!! Next thing, you'll be telling me you love her?? Please, please, please....stay here and learn of what you are proposing. Meth is a vile drug, and once it grabs ahold of you, IT DOES NOT LET GO. You have to fight like hell to kick it. Meth is no joke, mister. Don't go there. For your sake, and for hers. My name is Lori and I was addicted to meth for 13 years. I lost everything to meth...everything to my addiction. I was a mom and a wife and a professional, and thanks to my meth addiction, I wound up a wretch of a woman with nothing to show for all the years I worked so hard to build a life for me and my family. Nothing. I spent a year in the state penitentiary for a crime I committed while I was addicted. Quote: Then don't do it. DO NOT DO IT. Quote:
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| LivesWithWolves |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Welcome to this site. You are wise to research your thoughts before you jump head first into shallow water. You need to learn a lot more....... My first reaction is "you get a rush from holding a gun with one bullet in the chamber to your head playing Russian Roulette"... Are you prepared to take that chance? Is it worth it? My vote is NO.
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Naiev Newlywed |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
TnSkye is right. IMO there is no such thing as an ex addict. In the words of my IV meth addicted husband who FINALY said the words last week "I am always going to be an addict and there is nothing I can do about it." If you truly love her, you will stop this now. Please.
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| k8kanguru |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Sorry pal, but I think you are probably this woman's worst nightmare, not the man of her dreams. Under your influence, someone who has already fought and won the battle with their addiction is now drinking again, doing coke again and, in order to for you to satisfy your curiosity about a drug you've never tried, will probably join you in doing meth again. If you're curious about meth, start up a conversation with Ebilday who's in Day 4 of going through hellish withdrawals after using this drug for only one week! That was from a casual suggestion from a workmate that he might be able to stay awake better at work if he tried a little powder to help him thru. Just one week on this gear and it already had him thinking he was saying goodbye to his best friend. I watched the same thing with my partner. From the most wonderful human being to low-life scumbag bunging two grand up his arm every fortnight...all within the course of a few weeks. So not only would you be playing Russian roulette with yourself to satisfy your hedonistic curiosity, you'd also be leading this woman you supposedly love right down the bridal path and back into hell. For a recovering addict with responsibility for children, you're absolutely BAD NEWS for this woman's sobriety and sanity. If she came here relaying her side of the story, I'd be the first to tell her not to touch you with a 40 foot barge pole. Sorry to seem to hard core on this but the answer is NO, she can't ever do meth again. Not once, not ever, not even the tiniest little taste or you'll be astounded to see just how rapidly she'll slide back into full blown addiction. And NO you shouldn't be encouraging her to drink alcohol and do coke or pot with you because all of these are addictive substances that her addiction-susceptible brain chemistry is going to latch onto and try to use as substitutes. Not too far down the track her fried little brain is gonna start saying to her, "Hmmm, this stuff is ok, but it's not the real thing. It's not really touching the edges of the hole I'm craving to fill. But I know something that'll give me the ultimate buzz." When an addict relapses, it's not like they go back to the start as if new to their drug of choice. Very quickly after resuming use, they go right back to where they walked out of the game on the last round. So if you're not going to be there to support this woman in her sobriety and if can't enjoy a satisfying relationship with her without having to get drunk or stoned yourself, then do her a BIG favour and tell her you love her too much to subject her to the seriously bad influence you would be on her life. Call it off. Go experiment with your various mind-altering substances until you learn for yourself what they're all about if you must, but leave her and her kids in peace. The last thing this woman needs is either a relapse into her old habit or a meth junkie of a husband to look after. K8
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| Guene |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Please don't do meth it is so bad and it destroys so many families lives. She has two children and why would she want to do drugs anyway, it's like they say once an addict always an addict. I really think that drugs and booze are not the answer for a good relationship. Good Luck
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| nineyearsclean |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
p.s. Quote: I'll be 10 years clean in a few months. If I picked up today, I would be an active addict all over again. No doubt about it. It is my nature, my personality, my compulsive, can't do anything halfway personality. And I'm too smart for that now. I'm too smart to EVER FORGET WHERE METH TOOK ME, AND WHAT IT TOOK FROM ME, AND WHAT MORE IT WOULD TAKE, SHOULD I LET IT. 9-almost 10-years clean
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| sickandtired77 |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Quote: Time to do some serious homework!
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| nineyearsclean |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Quote:Thank you. That is what we are, and that is what we appreciate from others. Quote: In my experience, which is, unfortunately, indepth, it is very rare with meth. Very, very unusual. Not the norm whatsoever. Quote: I don't know what you mean by "objective" advice. I'm not sure I can be "objective" about meth. I know it too well. I know of it's intense and destructive ways. I know it like you should hope you never know it. There is much debate about this, but in my humble opinion, it reeks of evil. Please don't go away mad. I know you're 9 or so hours ahead of us...I visited lovely old Londontown in February 2004. I LOVED London. I would move there in a minute if I could. Honestly. I adored it. I look forward to talking with you soon. Love, Lori |
| richswife |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict Are you crazy this drugs ruins families--and lifes and your acting like its candy......if you truely love her dont do this to her or your self or her kids. This drug makes loving caring people in to none caring hurtful people. at times and once it grabs you its a major fight to bring them back. Its the worest poision to a life i've seen . IF YOU DO THIS YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAND HER A LOADED GUN AND TELL HER TO PULL THE TRIGGER----- YOU WILL DESTRORE HER LIFE AND HER KIDS LIFE,DONT BE SELFISH THAT WAY,PLEASE THINK |
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Cyndi |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
I could kill you or her, leaving her children motherless... Like it killed my first husband, leaving our son withou his father... Its bad bad bad. Don't try it.
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| LockedUp |
this one Dont get mad.... Dont get mad.... Arrrrrrg!!!!!! Some of you s are so out of it I just want to give you the talking to you deserve. but I won't, because most of you are soccer moms with almost as much willl power then me. Still, DO NOT TELL THIS GUY TO DUMP HER. Anyone who said that does not have a soul or any type of affection. 1 in 3 people battle a drug or alcohol addiction in their life. If you turned your back on 1 in every 3 friends/family s you knew, Im sure you would feel pretty shitty. Stick it out, see counseling. Talk about it. Dont try speed unless you want to feel what its like to be half dead. Just talk it out, express your feelings and please don't let drugs take away your love for her. She is who she is, drugs or not. Help her in every way you can. most importantly, make sure you dont become like her as well. and keep up the pot smoking if your going to choose to do anything....at least its not addictive and legal in many states for medical use.
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| jacksmom |
Re: this one Locked-Up, The original poster is wondering if it'd be 'safe' to use meth and if she's, (the fiancé), not used for many years if she can just pick it up and stop again. I don't think staying or leaving is the issue here. He may be able to use now and then but if it's a matter of bringing her addiciton to the surface than I think common sense tells us drugs should never be used in this relationship!
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| Locked Up |
This one Oh, I was confused then. Thanks JacksMom. My advice is that its pretty hard to have a relationship if drugs are involved....sure it might work for a while, but theres always going to be the stage after your off of them. What then? And why do you want to use meth? I mean I know why I did. But I also know why I quit. Its a sucky life that of a meth addict. ITs fun as hell, but the hell outweighs the fun a lot.
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| BenTwelvetoes |
Re: This one Yeah? Just about as much fun as being in hell. Ben
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one Ok, after clicking on profiles, I think a lot of people here seem to be in thier 30's or beyond; I'm 25, so I'm not gonna suddenly drop everything fun to play dad, she knew that, and they already have a dad who already takes care of them 4 days out of the week. She's also not gonna be a nun; she married a very pious man at 19 and went through a hell with him until they divorced when she was 26. She said what she hated most was that her entire life revolved around church and her kids, and him, and that 'fun' was a trip to a local restaurant. When she's with me, she said she feels free, she also said she hadn't felt free in a long, long time. There's a quote I don't know the origin of: "I refuse to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death's door" I'll act like an old man, when I am an old man... maybe. Everyone's coming across like I'm forcing everything on her, I'm not. I drink, I smoke pot, and once in a while, use coke as well; the option was there for her to do the same and she took it. In spite of what everyone says, even having booze in the house, she now indulges in a relaxing drink after work, or at weekends, but she hasn't become a raging alcoholic, she's not gone seeking out pot or coke either (she said the pot was fun, but she hasn't even thought about the coke) despite having a source for them both. What I wanted was advice on meth; I've never encountered it, and so I had no way to make any judgements about it, except what I read on the net, but quite honestly, much of it was propaganda, not so different to propaganda issued about pot in some cases, and I know full well that a joint even semi-regularly isn't gonna send me doolally. I'm NOT treating it lightly, aside from the propaganda, I've read a lot of peoples accounts of how it ruined lives, and given the only other drug I know that compares that I have experience of is coke, and I had a an issue with that, but! I can now take that on a very casual basis (once every two/three months), but I didn't want to make assumptions based on just that, that's why I came here, to ask questions. I'm far from rushing in to it. Thanks anyway.
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| Naiev Newlywed |
Re: This one Sorry. Not that age matters but, my husband is 27. He is facing 6 years in prison for posession. For what it is worth, here are a few examples of what meth has done to him: His digestive system doesn't work very well, meaning he can no longer shyt on his own. He has to take metamucil 3 times a day. Again, he's 27. Since being locked up 6 months ago, he has had 7 teeth pulled, all rotted from the inside out. My husband will more than likely need dentures by the time he is 30. Hubby suffers from low blood sugar and high blood pressure. He is borderline diabetic. Again, he is 27. He has permanent nerve damage in his arm from blowing a vein, and has numbness in his hand. It has gotten much better in the last 6 months but he still has numb spots. He walks with a cane. He apparantly reinjured his knee joint and didn't know it because he couldn't feel physical pain for so long. So, can't shyt, little teeth, high blood pressure, walks with a cane. Sounds like some old fuker doesn't it? Again, he's only 27. Thanks for reading. And by the way, we have a few addicts and recovering addicts here that haven't even made it to 20 yet! Meth does not discriminate.
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| Cyndi |
Re: This one You say you are engaged to this girl but not wanting to take on a daddy role???? Then why are you with a women with children? One thing, drugs and alcohol aside, she is a package, like it or not. It sounds to me that you are more worried about YOURSELF, not her. I recommend you call off the engagement. Obviously you are not the type of person who should have children in your life, or for that matter wants any children in your life. It sounds to me like you are asking what the chances are of her giving up her family and running off with you to party for the rest of your blistfull lives. This is not the girl for you. Or rather, you are not the guy for her, or her kids. Sorry if I sound angry, but I am. You are giving no consideration to the lives you could be destroying (we are talking 4 total with you, her and her kids.) If you want to destroy your own thats up to you. But by intenstionally questioning your envolvement with a woman based on whether its safe for her to use drugs (OF ANY KIND) with children involved is totally selfish. Be blessed Cyndi
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TnSkye |
Re: This one I think you are looking for just one person to tell you that it will be ok, go ahead and try it, you will both be ok. Read on. Go read other sites. You won't find anyone to tell you that. Meth is not a recreational drug.
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Haley79 |
Re: This one givemecredit, Ok, I'm only 26 years old, so you have to listen to me...no excuse. I wanna explain why you're getting this kind of reaction from everyone. You have to understand that this site is full of people who's lives have been turned upside down becuase of meth, either they were an addict or someone they loved was an addict. These people aren't just a bunch of crazy, anti-drug, holy-rollers, who have no basis for what they're saying. They feel strongly about this because they've experienced it, firsthand. To them, your life is flashing before their eyes. It doesn't matter that they don't know you, it's the same old story, over and over... You try meth once, just out of curosity...then you do it here and there...then on the weekends...then on Monday because you didn't sleep all weekend and now you have to go to work...then Tuesday cuz you did too much Monday...then before you know it, you're a full-blown addict...and years later (if you're lucky and realize you need help) you're on this board, saying the same thing we are, wishing you would have listened to everyone who warned you. If you don't believe me, you don't have to, but don't say I didn't warn ya. Also, I don't know what to tell you about meth because I don't want to make it sound appealing. I will tell you this though...alcohol; I could take it or leave it, same with pot. I used coke pretty regularly for about a year. After I graduated from college, I got off the cocaine train, although I would still do it from time to time. Then I met meth...the worst decision I've ever made. I was always like you, able to do sh*t and walk away from it. Meth was different. It's now 5 years later, I'm an addict, and my life is a mess. Good luck with that decision though. It may change the rest of your life. PS-If you're not living with this girl, or even if you are, just because she says she's not doing drugs on the regular, doesn't mean she's not. Addicts tend to lie. I hid my drug use from my husband for years. Just a heads up.
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| calypso1047 |
sorry So your earlier post said you were 25 and couldn't relate to alot of these people. Well i'm 26 and I recently lost a fiance to meth. Do I still love him? Of course. Am I with him now? No, I decided yesterday that I was just being used as an excuse and as something to cushion his fall. He's clean now.....after going to rehab, and then discharging himself. Would I recommend doing this with your fiance esp if she admitted to you that she had a problem in the past? No. Why not? Because if she had a problem in the past, and went to rehab. Recovery is a long process....think of your relationship now? Do you enjoy it? Is it filled with trust and commitment? Meth takes that away. You end up snooping, and with a relationship filled with lies. I don't even know if my now ex fiance lied when he said he cared. I don't know the truth at all. She has kids....that's another huge impact. Her first commitment should be to them...again this is my opinion. But you are not married, and like you said they have a dad. Do you think she'd want to never see her kids? Would just having you and meth be "Okay" for her? If you can have a clear conscious and make this decision for yourself, then why come to an anti-meth site to ask the question? Ultimately this is a choice only you can make. I do believe wholly that if you choose this lifestyle, it may ruin whatever future you may have with her. Drugs do funny things to people...couples, individuals, families....I'd really hate to see this happen to you over one small choice to "try" something. |
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one Quote: No I'm not taking on the daddy role, I said I'd chip in as and when I'm needed, but I don't wanna be daddy. She knows that, accepts that. As for the chances of her giving them up, I know she would. She was pushed in to having a family at 19 by her own family and her husband when she wasn't ready, but was trying to make up for being the tearaway she was. I know for a fact, she wants her own life back, she wants to take a break from being (name) the divorced mother of two, and just be her. I aslo said if it was a case of me or the kids, I'd leave, since she'd be miserable and guilty and so would I, and two kids would lose thier genetic mother. Before I met her, I was planing on going round the world trip with a friend of mine, that friend left the other day, it should have been me going with him, instead I'm not, I'm working 6/7 days a week, regularly doing double shifts (9am - 2am following day) or extended shifts (5pm - 3/4/5am folowing day) so I can get enough money together, that I'm not a burden on her when I arrive in the states late this year. I gave up a dream I've had since I was 16 to work my ass off to be with her. So no, I'm not all about me. Just to further the point, I've probably bailed her out to the tune of $3-4000 when the s**t hit the fan with her job last year, and she's now in the position to pay me back, but I refused the offer. I wanted it with her just once, just to see who she was back then, but if it's that dangerous, I'll go with out that experience.
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Loraura |
Re: This one SO this is what they mean by a person who can't learn from what others tell them, and simply must try things for themselves, even though they know other people have destroyed their lives with the exact same drug? Wierd. Bizzarre, really. I can not BELIEVE someone's "curioisity" would over-rule everything they have read about meth. "So... meth is an extremely addictive drug that takes MONTHS to recover from the damage to neurotransmitters done while high, makes your skin break out, makes you paranoid, makes you extremely depressed after stopping, makes your teeth rot out, makes you look like a skeleton and more.... but.. DAMN, I'M CURIOUS!!! MAYBE NONE OF THAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME!!" Im' sorry... but that's a huge: WTF |
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| Loraura |
Re: This one Quote:That is the stupidest thing I've heard since...well... since I read you wanted to try meth even though you knew how dangerous it was. And you were planning on taking an addict down with you. Here's a tip: If you marry a woman with children, you ARE the adult male in the family and you ARE a role model for the kids. YOu can't just "chip in" when needed. You can't be a part time babysitter. If you don't want kids, don't marry a woman who has them. Oh. My. God. Im' stopping here becuase this is DOOMED. Completely, and utterly DOOMED. Have a nice disaster. |
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| TnSkye |
Re: This one Quote:I'm very glad to hear this. I really hope you re all the terrible things you've read and will stick to it. This is just one drug you don't want to mess with.
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| Savedinillinois |
Re: This one You say she wants to take a break from being the divorced mother of 2 and just be herself. That's not possible. Like it or not, she needs to be a good mom to those kids. That comment was very selfish. The kids come first! and I'm sorry, there may be some that disagree, but you CANNOT be a good mother while using drugs and alcohol..period!!! You, your fiance and especially those kids will be in my prayers!
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| Cyndi |
Re: This one You can not say you "know for a fact" that she would leave her kids.. if that were true, why are you coming to the States? Why is she not hopping on a plane to come be with you? There must be a reason... don't you think? You've been working a million hours a week, and have the money? Buy her a ticket.. see if she comes... Hell, it may be that she has found herself a true sucker in you. Maybe she just wants you around to help bail her out... who knows. Why don't you invite her to the board, Have her read whats been said by you and by those here. See if she is sincere. I agree with Loraura... |
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| Naiev Newlywed |
Re: This one Just some advice....drugs aside... Pleae consider some pre-marital counseling. I forgot who here said it but she is a package deal...her and the kids. Not playing a daddy role is not an option when you marry a woman with children. And I hope you never would, but if you were to ask her to give up those kids and she did....I don't know which of you would be more pathetic, you for asking, or her for doing. Just My Opinion.
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one Quote:Yeh, thanks for your hyperbole, really helped me.
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one You know what. To all those that actually answered my question, thank you. To all those that got on your high horses at the end with your two pennies worth. *one finger salute* If you lived all your life, having a religion you didn't like forced on you, only to then hav a year of recklessness, then to be pushed in to a marriage with a guy that raped you, and called you a slut and a whore and made you feel like you were worthless every day, that pushed you in to the kitchen or the bedroom, to do your duty as a wife, then stuck with all that s**t for 7 years JUST for the sake of trying to keep a family together for those kids, you'd probably want some fu**ing freedom as well. |
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| Cyndi |
Re: This one Maybe so, but still, YOU CAN'T SPEAK FOR HER! Sounds like a tragic life, and if she is like most mothers, her kids are the one and only true love that she has, completely. Your question was answered, even by those of us that you consider to be on a "high horse". Sorry if you don't like the answers you recieved... but such is life my friend. Again, if she'd leave her kids, why hasn't she done so yet? Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, why don't you ask her that? She was there with you for a while but left and came back home. I am sure she didn't come back for the coffee... Wake up, would ya? |
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Naiev Newlywed |
Re: This one Hey...I've been there. Almost 10 years with someone I had absolutely NO LOVE for, but was the father of my child. Alcoholic, beatings, yelling, yeah, doing the duty with a pillow over my face, my choice, because I didn't want to see him and for some fuked up reason I didn't want to hurt him by the disgusted look on my face everytime he climbed on top of me. Hey, the one finger salute? How freakin rude is that. Mister, you've got some issues, and I don't know what they are. I was the beaten, battered, abused 'wife' for almost 10 years. When I met my husband, I STILL told him I was a package deal, me AND my daughter. If he couldn't handle it, he wasn't for me. I'm sorry you feel this way...no body was on their "high horse".... Again, someone already said, maybe you were coming here looking for someone to say it was ok to try it. You won't find that here....sorry.
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one Quote: I came here asking a question, and on the basis of some of the earlier responses, what I've read previously, and reading the letters on one of the links above, I've decided it's not worth the risk. I got pi**ed off because all of a sudden, when I've give some background, I'm labelled more or less as an arsehole, and my fiance a terrible mother. Such a black and white world some of you live in.
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| jacksmom |
Re: This one " I think you are looking for just one person to tell you that it will be ok, go ahead and try it, you will both be ok." I'll say it! Go ahead and try it and have that blast you're looking for but after a couple of weeks the ride is gonna get REALLY bumpy! HANG ON!!! By the way I personally think it would be selfish to use drugs around anyone that has had issues with addiction. It's just so selfish!
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| Cyndi |
Come on.... Quote:Give US some credit.. no one labeled you but you and you alone. Guilty Conscience? NO one said you were an "arsehole" and no one said she was a "terrible mother". I ask you this, AGAIN, why is she still in the States? Why did she go back home? You don't have to answer that question, but be realistic. Don't kid yourself into believing she's going to pick you over her kids. If she was going to do that, it would have already happened. Invite her to the board, I'd love to meet her.
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| nineyearsclean |
Re: This one To Locked Up: Quote:WE'RE out of it?? This wasn't even about whether or not to dump somebody. And, I've never been a soccer mom, and I've got tons of willpower. Think before you type. givemecredit: Quote:And that's exactly what you got, but apparently you didn't get the advice you were looking for. In that case, best of luck to you, and God save her children. |
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| givemecredit |
Re: Come on.... Quote:I don't want her to; as I said earlier, if it came to that, I'd leave. She went back to the states, because that's where she lives. The talk of her leaving the kids was when I said at some point in the future, I intend to travel, and I'd like to do it with her, but not her kids. Man, you all need to re-read the thread, before you go and post on. |
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| imlostinky |
Re: Come on.... Sorry - and no I am not reading this entire thread. I just want to post only my take- and not be influenced one way or the other- Quote:You said you want to try meth- you know this lady has had a problem with meth - correct? Plain and simple, you can not try it with her. It will be a problem. As for you, it may not be - and if it does become a problem- you knew better. You are an adult- it is your choice. It is irresponsible and selfish for you to bring it into her life again.Period. Quote:Thank you for your honesty - really. Most men are not as honest. Really, that is commendable on your part. Now here is my honesty- as much fun as you have with this woman,she is not who you need to be with. She made her decision to have children- that is a lifetime commitment.Once done, it can not be undone. I can understand really I can her being a mother at such a young age wanting to go have an adventurous life- I truly can. But as a mother, I can tell you - it is an impossibility. The ties are there- the bonds are there- the guilt would eat her alive- and the use would grow because of that guilt. You are not an addict -so you may not understand. I am , I have been, and I do. If you truly care for this woman- then you really must do what is best for her. You will nto change yourself to be what she needs- let her go. You are a heartbreak waiting to happen. You at this time pose more of a threat to her well being than any baggie of meth. I am not in any way shape of form judging you. I am not saying in any way shape or form you are a bad guy. I really do admire your honesty - whatever happens in life, never lose that trait. It is so hard to find- I'd rather hear a shyt truth than a fancy lie any day of the week. Now I don't know what else this thread contains- I just can not pull my brain in today to read it all. I may not tell you what you would like to hear but I will give you the truth without judgement. No bullshyt, just truth. |
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| Loraura |
Re: Come on.... Quote:They are not puppies... you can't just kennel them when you go on vacation. If your goals in life are mutually exclusive to her life style how is it you expect that to work out for either of you? SOMEONE will always be giving something up that is important to them. It sounds all sweet and romantic to give thnigs up for your spouse, but after years and years of ALWAYS having to give up your goals, it becomes a problem. Resentment and dissapointment build. You want a partner who can travel with you. You don't want to have kids right now or be responsible for kids right now. You don't want to "give up everything fun" to be a dad. Fair enough. But... She can't travel with you without finding someone else to care for her children AND losing out on being there for her kids. She already HAS kids that she is responsible for. She already made sacrifices to be a mom. She can't undo them. What I hear you saying is that you want her to be someone she is not. You want to still be able to party it up on New Years Eve. Drink and do coke. Be an occasional user. The risk she would take in even attempting to be an occasional user is astronomical. YOu said she was abused by her ex. Raped, pushed around. You think there is no damage left behind from that? You think drugs won't dull that pain? Of course it will, and easier to do than work thru all those past issues. It will quickly become a coping mechanism of choice for her. You being you, adventerous, party guy, is an inherant risk for her. Marrying someone who is not what you really want in a partner is a recipe for diasaster. THAT is why I said "have a nice disaster". I can't see your relationship with a single mom working out as anything BUT a disaster considering what you want out of life, and what she has already chosen to have in her life. |
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| cleansober |
Re: Come on.... meth sometimes sneaks up on off and on users then its got ya. ive been off dope for almost 7 yrs will be in july. i can not use anything that would give me a buzz being the addict i am i will always have to have more. a question i would like to ask is after 12yrs your lady friend has not did meth why would she bring it up? it could be she can still be into it and trying to draw you in as well,this happens all the time so please be careful whatever you decide.
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| prim |
Re: Come on.... i didn't read every word here but i'll tell you this....i don't want kids in my life either.go find you a woman that don't have none.be fair to yourself, her and her kids.as far as meth, leave it alone, it kills!
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| Cyndi |
Re: Come on.... Honestly, You really should reconsider this engagement. Too much "changing" needs to happen for both of you to have a successful marriage. And you do know what it means to be "married", do you not? You want to travel, she has kids, you want to party, she is an unusing addict. You want her to be able to party and not get hooked, you want her to choose between you or her kids. Really, if you have to consider the possiblity that she may chose her kids over you, and that you will have to move on, you should just do it now before everyone gets hurt. I realize you came here asking about meth and it’s turned into a couples counseling thread, but this is just to hard to ignore. Reality check... she leaves her kids behind and joins you in adventures all over the world. She may enjoy it for a while but eventually she will miss what she has left. Moms (whether we like it or not) have this "mother gene" that does not just go away when we wiggle our noses. As much as I'd like to say I wish I could just hop on a plane and go see all of Europe, I won't do it, because I am responsible for the lives of two very important people that I brought into this world. There an obligation in mothers that flows through our blood that does not even allow the possibility of leaving our children for even the shortest bit of time. Even recovering addicts who are parents (man or woman) will tell you that the main reason they chose recovery was FOR THIER CHILDREN. I am not going to try and show you the light any longer. You can chose to ignore the obvious if you want to. You were given proper warning. Be blessed, all four of you, Cyndi |
| lax2 |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Train Wreck in the making. What else do you want us to giveyoucredit for... I dont know what else to say. WOWWWWWWWW. By the end of the year can you all imagine where this all will be?
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| Penelope |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
Quote:Once an addict, always an addict. Addicts can't use drugs "recreationally." Once we get started, we can't seem to stop without a WHOLE lot of help. I've been clean 25 months now - I KNOW if I used some meth / coke / pot / etc right now, it would be all over for me. One is too many and a thousand is NEVER enough!
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| ian |
Re: Engaged to an ex-addict
I've read all the responses and all your posts and really I got nothing else to add, it seems to me like your already taking this women on a downhill slide, maybe she did use drugs as a teenager and stopped, A LOT of people do, but if your going to pick it up again how do you know that you, or her, would stop AGAIN? Your from London right? I was a heroin addict for a lot of years, Iv'e been clean for 3 something years now. I know speed isn't very popular in Englad yet, would you tell an ex heroin addict to try it again 10 years later, just for kicks? And I don't believe in the whole theory of 'once an addict, always an addict' that seem to be the norm on this board, I know for myself that I used to be a junkie but I'm not anymore. But that doesn't mean I should go play with fire again right? Seems to me ever since you met this women all you've been doing (from your descriptions) is get high in one way or another. You could argue for days on which drug is more addictive and why but it doesn't matter really, everyone has their drug of choice and if their using they go back to it eventually. Ever since the two of you met, whenever you were together it was always an attempt to control your emotions and feelings by doing drugs of some sorts (alcohol too), does it seem like a healthy pattern to you? Do you think it would magically get better? Congratulations to you on quitting crack or coke, I'm not sure what you did, but even for YOU and you don't seem to think your able to get addicted, it took you a YEAR of heavy use to stop. It wasn't a 'binge' you were hooked and decided to stop once the consequences got to be too high for you, and let me tell you from my own expirience, I was addicted to four differant drugs even though my drug of choice was definetly opiates, there are A LOT of people who threw their lives, their familes and kids lives over coke/crack, meth and even benzodiazepines (like valium) and barbituates. It's not as easy as you think. To tell you the truth I'm not very concerned about you or your girlfriend now but more of her kids getting cought in the crossfire, your turning their mother from a mom to a junkie again, I really think you should take a second look at what your doing here. -ian.
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| Rachelsue76 |
Re: This one Quote:Wow, it must be wonderful to be her child. NEWSFLASH!!!!! That is her life. She can not change it. She is the divorced mother of two. What she wants is a life that she does not have the option of having. So what if she leaves her kids??? She will still be Jane divorced mother of 2 only she can add "mother who would rather party" to her resume. And, I am sorry but if her life with thier father was so bad then why is she ok with the kids being with him for 4 days a week?? JMHO. |
| givemecredit |
Re: This one What are harsh prick you are. He was a s**tty husband, but by all accounts a reasonable father. Why does everyone type 'I'm sorry' when they're not sorry at all.
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| nineyearsclean |
Re: This one Quote: Whoa there now! I don't think anyone has called you any names, givemecredit. Yes, we all feel very strongly about your suggestion to use with a former addict. Of course we do...this is a meth recovery site. You ASKED for our advice, and we have freely and honestly given it to you. I don't understand, then, what it is you want from us? As far as the name calling goes, please, let's not do that. It's juvenile and doesn't help anyone's situation. Okay? Okay. Thanks
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| givemecredit |
Re: This one I asked for advice on meth, and whether a one off was possible, evidently it isn't, and having read accounts on the links above and other accounts here, I've decided to give it a miss. I won't be trying meth, I'll be making sure she doesn't either. I can't understand why everyone's jumping on the morality wagon with me, but more her. I gave background for the purpose of helping me with with my question, NOT so everyone can sit and pull both me and my fiance down. God knows why, but I get the need to come back here and defend her. And the person I called a harsh prick is just that. If you lived seven years with a husband that raped you serially for the sake of your kids, and your kids and that same husband were your world apart from work for that time, wouldn't you jump at the chance to live with some sense of freedom again?
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| k8kanguru |
Please think about it.
I’m sorry, I know you only came here to get some answers on whether you should try meth with your girlfriend and now you’re being inundated with unsolicited relationship advice, but it’s hard for those of us here who’ve already "been there done that" not to see the glaring red flags in your whole situation. I know it’s easy for you to think we’re a mob of tight-@r$ed old farts who wouldn’t have a clue what it’s like to be 25 and just want to have some fun in life. You’re right, I’m old by your standards. I have a 26 yo daughter and a 28 yo son. So I’ve got a damned good idea what people want at that stage of life. I may be ‘old’ but I’m not so senile yet that I have forgotten my own personal experience of being a 24 yo mother of two who was just breaking out of an oppressive marriage and wanting to find some way to break the chains of the responsibility I’d burdened myself with and just get out there and have some fun!!!! I’ve been where your girl is at so please understand I’m not talking out of my rear end with what I’m going to say to you. I’d like to give you some credit for your intelligence in seeking out advice before you use meth with your ladyfriend. That was a really wise move. You got your very clear answer on that score. Take the wisdom offered, or discard it. The ball’s now in your court. And, even though it’s not what you asked for, I’m going to give you some advice based on the wisdom I’ve gained from my experience about what’s likely to occur in a marriage with a 26-30 something ex-meth-using sole parent of two. Givemesomecredit, you’re 25 years old and you still want to be out there having fun. That’s what you should be doing at your stage of life. That's great. Look at this… Quote:You’ve sacrificed what you’ve always dreamed of doing, what you’ve worked your whole life to achieve – for her. At 25 years of age you should be taking off on your world tour with your mate. You should be out there having adventures, seeing the world, meeting heaps of people and having a lot of fun. You’ve worked hard for that for a long time. Instead you’re already having to bale her out and pay for her c*^kups. Instead you’re working your ring off to get the bucks together so you can get over there and strap yourself to the wheel of family responsibility in a commitment that’s supposed to be signing on for the rest of your life. Are you kidding me? Quote:Honey, maybe she says she accepts that, but she has no way of knowing she’ll be able to follow through on that promise because she’s never been there. I have been there and so have many of my girlfriends and I’m telling you straight, that just ain’t true! (She may be telling you the truth based on what she hopes she’ll be able to handle but she’s making a bargain with you that even she doesn’t know yet she won’t be able to keep.) If you’ve only been with with this woman you’re planning to marry in holiday mode, you really don’t have much of a clue what reality of living with her is going to be like. I’ll admit I’m not psychic and I’m prepared to concede a 10% possibility that I could be wrong but, based on my own experience and that of many of my sole parent girlfriends, this is how your proposed marriage scenario is likely to play out. For the first 3-6 months you’ll be having an absolute ball and think this is everything you’ve ever wanted. She’ll think you’re her knight in shining armour come to liberate her from the dungeon of her previous dreary marriage. She’ll think it’s great to be able to have a fun guy around to party with and have incredible sex while the kids are at their dad’s place. After a short while though, the reality will start to sink in for her. While the kids are away you’ll be like a pair of teenagers partying out and using whatever experience-enhancing substances you can get your hands on. But she’ll probably have a rule that when the kids are home you have to play it straight to keep up appearances so they don’t go blabbling to their dad. She’ll have to do that because if the kids spill the beans to bible bashing dad he’ll be straight off to court to fight a custody battle. She’ll need ot flip back into straight 'good Mommy' mode and you’ll cop that at first but you won’t want to play the game for long. The schizo nature of your lives to keep up appearances for the kids will start to get on your goat after a while. It's like having 'parents' who are only 3 ft high. So you’ll want to keep drinking and smoking and doing all your usual 25 yo bachelor stuff that you’ve told her you weren’t going to give up for her. You’ll want to stay up late and she’ll still have to get up and do the mum thing with the kids. She’ll have to be running the kids here there and everywhere for their social, educational and healthcare requirements – as well as back and forth to their dad’s (and he’s gonna hate you and be looking for any excuse to screw you). You’ll want to go out and she won’t be able to go anywhere until she has a sitter. The kids will start playing up because someone is there competing with them for mum’s attention. They’ll want to do everything to come between you with every drama imaginable…because they’re kids and that’s what they do. Believe me. You will start getting p!$$ed off because the kids are always demanding her attention when you want her to focus on you in grown up land. You’ll start seeing them as spoilt little brats because the more attention she gives you, the more they’ll behave badly. You’ll eventually tell her she needs to rein those kids into line and stop spoiling them, put them in their place – behind you and your needs. She’ll probably cop that the first few times and send the kids out of sight because she knows her spoiling needs to be on you or you’ll take off. But after a while she’ll start building quiet seething resentment towards you. If you discipline her kids in any way, she may not say anything but she’ll want to kill you for threatening her cubs. You probably won’t notice this because she’ll just go rather quiet and maybe bash the dishes around a bit. On your side you’ll maybe feel a little distancing and think something like she’s just not so much fun as she used to be when you first came over. You’ll start to notice, too, how all your money is going into very dreary and mundane expenditure like household bills, kids school needs, healthcare etc. You’ll cop that for a while and not say anything, but you’ll be quietly building up resentment because you’re used to being able to spend your money on what you want for yourself, not having it run like a tap into everybody else’s domestic needs. You might not say anything but you’ll start to notice how she’s spending the household budget. You might pick her up on something she’s bought that seems non-essential – like some frivolous thing for the kids. You might decide “F%^& it, I’m gonna have something for me” and go out and buy yourself a stack of CDs or blow a hole in the budget on something ‘selfish’ for you. It’ll be some dumb thing that eventually serves as the straw that breaks the camel’s back and then the lava of built up resentment will start to explode out from both of you. Then, before you even think about it, out will come your big resentment bills stamped Pay This Account – OVERDUE!!! Out of your mouth the words will fly: “I gave up a dream I've had since I was 16 to work my ass off to be with you!” And back out of her mouth will come “I gave up a dream I've had since I was 4 to marry a man who’d be a good family man and father to my kids to be with YOU!!!” And of course you’ll counter with: “But I told you I wasn’t prepared to be that and you said you’d accept a deal like that.” And if she’s honest, she’ll say “I know but I didn’t really mean it. I just said that because it was the only terms on which you were offering yourself.” And it will be messy and gory and nasty and hurtful and words will fly and maybe you’ll make up, but those two unmatched expectations of what the partners truly want out of life will always be cankers working their way into a festering hatred ready to erupt at any time. Can you see what I’m trying to say here, Credit? If two people are coming together to fulfil temporary desires under the guise of a lifetime commitment, it’s just not going to work because your deep underlying needs as people are not going to be met. I know this because I have been where your girl is. I can tell you more honestly than she can because it took me a lot of years and a lot of mistakes to work it out for myself. Sure she feels resentful about having to carry her parental responsibilities. Sure she just wants to get out of there and have some fun. I was the same. I was lucky though in that I had an older sister who was a teacher and she’d take my kids for every school holidays. I could cope with the pressure in between just knowing that for two months of the year I was going to be able to break out and party hard while they were away. But I also knew I had to knuckle under and do the mum thing when they were home with me; no matter how many invitations I had to knock back. So I know just how hard it is to try to combine party-girl with responsible mum. And I know too, how having a live-in lover who doesn’t pull his full share of the domestic and parental load is just like having another brat you have to look after, placate with attention and clean up after. You'll lose her respect pretty fast, I can tell you. Mums have to play mum. It’s not very sexy. It’s not very much fun. It’s a pain in the @r$e a lot of the time, but you just try coming between a woman and her kids and see who ends up the loser. Even if you do win that tussle and she loses the kids to their dad, she’ll resent the pants off you for the rest of her days for the guilt she’ll carry. So please think long and hard about what you’re doing here Credit and whether it's in anyone's long-term best interests. Maybe you’re just thinking it’s a good idea to marry her so you can stay in the States, but no matter what she tells you, when you put that ring on her finger she’ll still be expecting the full kit and caboodle at some deep level inside at least. My 26 yo daughter has already travelled around the world, done her study, got a highly paid job and got married last month. She’s ready for that. My 28 yo son just broke off his 8 year relationship with a lovely girl because he said he realised he wants a whole lot more out of life before he’s ready to settle for the "4 bedroom, 2 bathroom, brick and tile with kids and dog" life goal his girl is ready for now. As much as he loves her, he said he has to set her free because he’s not ready to be responsible for a family yet. So please think carefully about this whole decision you’re about to make. Can you really offer this woman what she needs as well as what she’s mistakenly telling you she’s happy to settle for to be with you? And you? Are you really ready to give up all you wanted by way of your dreams and chain yourself to the millstone of family responsibilities for the rest of your life? Go book that ticket and catch up with your mate. Visit her in the US on your way through and have some more holiday time with her by all means, but don’t kid yourself you’re ready for what her daily life really entails. And if Oz is on your itinerary, send me a PM and I’ll give you my number so you can drop in for a cuppa. There’s a really good backpackers just opened here and lots of work in the orchards and vineyards. Give yourself a break and please don’t lead this woman back to the hell she’s already escaped once. Believe me, you really don’t want to risk seeing “who she was back then”. It would be a nightmare for both of you. Good luck K8 |
| nineyearsclean |
Re: This one Quote:I am relieved and grateful to hear this. Quote:Maybe this will explain some of the responses you received. You see, the lives of every single person on this site, and there are many of us, have been tainted, to say the least, by meth. I would venture to say that the responses which offended you most were those written by loved ones or family s of addicts. As active addicts, we told ourselves that we weren't hurting anyone but ourselves, but in truth, we were taking the people who love us down into that hell of addiction with us. Because of this, you are going to get very emotional responses, so please keep that in mind. We have been where you have not, and brother, you don't ever want to go there. Quote:No, you don't. You do not need to defend her or yourself. I understand that you are young, and so your reaction to some of the responses is going to be, well, appropriate for your age - no offense intended whatsoever. Truly, everyone here has one common goal, and that is to help in any way they can. I'm sorry if you didn't get that from all of the responses. People don't always see eye to eye, and some people rub other people the wrong way. I promise you, nobody means you or your girl any harm here. Thanks for saying NO to meth, and please take care. Love, Lori
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| angieNcali |
Re: This one Freedom is one thing = Distruction is another. I think a woman who lived with that and settled for that ... for all those years... may not be healed yet. And willing to sacrafice almost anything just for some love and affection. No Woman who is willing to go through all of that for the SAKE of HER Kids .... wants to go Traveling around the world with out them ... so please don't fool yourself. I think and this an assumption and we all know what they say about those ... so feel free to call me what you like ... I can take it. But I think the fact she is willing to "accept" a man who doesnt want much to do with her kids and has already made that clear ... and want her to leave them behind while they " Travel" is Settling. Her Picker is clear broken .... and being with you it isnt gonna fix it. She needs someone sensitive to her needs which you clearly are not. But for now after all she has been through she is willing to settle with what little she is getting from you .... Dont help her damage herself anymore. I would and have been keeping this to myself ... because it is OT and my own personal opinion ... But since you now insist on calling names .... I figured ... ahhhhhhhh what the heck why hold back. Good Nite Angie
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| Naiev Newlywed |
Re: This one I already responded to that. Not sure if you saw. Hope you weren't calling me that. Again, I have been there. I am glad you have decided not to try meth. Good luck.
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| givemecredit |
Re: Please think about it.
Thank you k8kanguru. That was actually really good advice. Glad it came from an Oz as well.
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| Rachelsue76 |
Re: This one Quote: Well then, I have been called worse. I also know that if I was married to a man that treated me like that there is NO WAY IN HELL that he would see our children. Quote:A reasonable father does not call the mother of his children a whore. Why don't you try looking at this from another angle? We all have been there and heard the bullshit that goes along with it. She can tell you anything that you want to hear as long as you are in another country. Maybe she sees you as the sucker with the money. Tell you a little sad story and reel you on in. Poor her, she has had such a bad life until you the big hero comes along. I am a woman and a mother. I know that with guys it is hard for you to see through all the b.s. but we know how other women act and the bullshit they use. JMHO. |
| k8kanguru |
Re: Please think about it.
Credit Good. I'm glad you can 'hear' where I am coming from. copy and print out what I posted here and read it again when you're not reelign from the anger you're feeling at what you perceive as insults to you and your girl. Add to the likely scenario the subject of 'mates'. When you first get there, she'll be the only person you know and you're hot for her so obviously the two of you are going to want to be all over one another for three months or so. After that, return the 25 yo bloke and the very natural desire to want to hang out with the blokes sometimes. Once you start to get out a bit you're sure to make yourself some new 'buddies' (got to change the lingo there). Most likely they'll be single guys doing what single guys do and by this time you'll be feeling like you want to get out of play school and be with the boys for some male bonding. Fair enough. You're a 25 yo guy who has no intention of surrendering many aspects of your bachelorhood. You already warned her of that, right? From her point of view (re I've been there) this is going to seem like a betrayal. Re she doesn't know you in your normal everyday mode either. She doesn't know you like to go and watch footy or hold up the bar at the local pub on Fridays or whatever it is you do with your mates. She's had you to herself in her cosy love nest and that's what she wanted. Every step you take away from there is gonna feel like she's losing something. So think about that aspect too. If you've had a long distance love affair, particularly through electronic media, then all you've had of one another is 'quality time' one on one. How is either of you going to handle the inevitable everyday reality of being on the receiving end of the other partner's indifference or having to share them with the other human demands on their time that they need to be a healthy adult? Something more to consider, hmmm? Personally I think it's madness if you're contemplating a lifetime commitment when: 1. you haven't yet lived all your dreams as a single bloke; and 2. you haven't got a clue what 'normal' relationship with this woman will entail. I'm not say stop loving her because you probably can't do that. I'm just saying chill out on the rush to sign on the dotted line. Seeya in Oz then? K8 |
| Loraura |
Re: Please think about it.
Quote: I'm glad you decided not to try meth. I hope you truely mean it
and forever stick by that decision.
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| givemecreditsgirl |
just to weigh in...
you know, since it's my addiction, my life, my past, my future and my abilities as a mother and girlfriend/wife being debated... First of all, to everyone who has told him not to let me near the stuff - Thank You. I know I can't be around it. Ever. I've told him as much. I can understand how he'd take how well I reacted to the alcohol, pot, and coke and wonder if I could handle a little more meth. But I'd never been addicted to any of those. Really, the only addictions I've ever had were cigarettes, and meth. Fact is, when I quit meth, there were some religious reasons to quit doing everything else as well, which was why I never went back to any of it. I re how we'd drink as teenagers: drinking just to get stupidly drunk... and keep on drinking until we either passed out or threw up. Binge drinking never appealed to me, and the only reason I did it back then was becuase that's what we'd be doing, me and my friends. So, when I had a drink again... it was nice to just have some, but not get so stupidly drunk: to be able to drink like an adult instead of a stupid kid. But I really can take or leave it. You can bet your ass I'll never be either smoking or doing meth ever again. K8 - I appreciate your posts. You've brought up a lot of points that we'll be talking about next time we're together. there were a few points you made though that were based on some incorrect assumptions (naturally - you don't know either of us after all) and I'd just like to be able to set the record straight in that respect. First - I'd never resent him for having a life outside our home. I WANT him to be able to go out with his friends, go to pub and have a few beers (although they call 'em 'private clubs' here). I know all too well what it's like to be trapped at home, trapped at work... and to have a spouse who tells you "it's not that I don't want you to have any friends, I just want them to be my friends" I never want him to feel trapped or bound to me that way. I never want him to feel isolated here. As far as the Dad thing: I'm not looking for a Dad for my kids; they already have one. Yes, he was controlling and manipulative and a nightmare of a husband, but he really is a good Dad for our kids. I don't worry when they're at his house (his new wife looks after them, after all) And my kids are happy, well-adjusted and fairly well-behaved. My fiance isn't looking to be "Daddy" and that's fine with me. he's stated that he'll be there, lend a helping hand when needed, and otherwise just let me be the parent. That's pretty much the definition of a Step-Parent right there. I've also only got my kids here at my house for half of the week: the first half, when most people are staying home after work anyway, so I'll have my weekends free to spend with him. I think some of you are under the impression that when we go out, I'll be abandoning my kids just to "party". I really don't have a responsibility to my kids to sit at home when they are at their Dad's house. ... and I really have no idea why I felt the need to explain all of that to strangers on the internet... thanks everyone for the good advice... and for your well-meaning intentions regarding both of us.
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| k8kanguru |
Re: just to weigh in...
Credit's girl Well your fella just scored a little more credit with me for having the guts and good sense to share our discussions here with you. Honey, I can't say how things will go for you for sure but, having been down a very similar road, I can tell you where the landmines lie. And I'd be irresponsible not to warn you there are quite a few in this situation you're contemtemplating that you're probably not even aware of yourself. How about letting your fella go do his trip and then see...? I seriously don't think he's any way ready for what your shared life will require of him. But it's your call. Good for you that you managed to get yourself free of meth and a crappy marriage. I really understand your desire to have some fun now, so why not just enjoy the freedom and let the wind blow through the empty windows of opportunity for a while??? Now that you've fund us, please feel free to coem again and share in this great community. Best wishes K8 |
| givemecreditsgirl |
I think I like you k8
thank you! that was another thing you'd gotten wrong. I've actually begged him to go and see the world... I mean, I'd rather have one of us be able to live their dreams. I'm not holding him back from it at all. A lot days, I really wish he would just go. I'd love him just as much when he got back from it... but he wants to come be with me. But he's said his dream has changed since he's met me: that now it includes seeing the world with me. I've had that same dream since I was a little girl. somehow, I know we'll make it work. I just really really don't want him resenting me a few years down the line as the person he gave up his dreams for: I resented my ex for being the person I gave up my dreams for. |
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