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Divorcing meth addict husband - Supervised visitations with children?


Time4
Change
Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
My husband is a meth addict. I think he's probably a functional/maintenance user. He's seen a psyche twice but IMO he's only doing it to get everyone off his back. Yes I think he's still using even though he's on med from the psyche.. that is IF he's really taking the med.

We are starting final divorce proceedings. He had supervised visitations in the temp. Of course he's mad at me and doesn't think he should have SV. I'm an overprotective mother by nature but I'm trying to do what's right and be objective. My intentions are not to keep these children from their father.

He's never done anything to intentionally hurt the children. unless you count the drug use, lies, gambling debt type stuff. I really don't want to fight about this stuff. I've accepted who he is and who he's IMO going to continue being. I just want us both to be happy. for me that mean not having to fight this anymore and IMO for him it means not having me/family on his back so he can do what he wants to do.

I am considering dropping SV and just cutting a verbal agreement with him. that I'll let him take the kids whenever. IF he isn't high and IF he promises me that if high or can't handle them or in a crash (too tired) that he leaves them with me. I don't want to have the standard visitation and have him take them every other week just because it's his week. I only want him to take them when he's responsible enough to do so.

What do you think. should I or should I not?
     Replies...
scared
mom
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
Do you think that if he is high he is going to be responsible enough to call and say "I am high so i am not going to take the kids today" or will he think to himself that he is still fine to take the kids and that it is not your business if he is high?

Personally... If i were in that situation i would stick with the SV.

Good luck with a tough situation,
Sfj Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
This could cause huge controversy, and isn't even part of your post or question, but please consider this:

If a person has been a regular user of meth for a long time, his body has adapted and adjusted to it. His chemical structure is such that he needs it to be normal.
When he doesn't take it, then you have to worry, that's when the extreme behavior, violence, and many other terrible things occur.
chris
gonz
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
I would stick with the SV too.

I NEVER let anybody take my kids, even if they were clean but had a habit of talking shyte about me or their dad.

My kids' OUTCOME came first. Even dad had to go by certain "rules" to spend time with the kids.
jacks
mom
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
"He's never done anything to intentionally hurt the children. unless you count the drug use, lies, gambling debt type stuff."

How could you NOT count this as hurt?

Please! This is a family issue here!
Loraura Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
Quote:
I am considering dropping SV and just cutting a verbal agreement with him. that I'll let him take the kids whenever. IF he isn't high and IF he promises me that if high or can't handle them or in a crash (too tired) that he leaves them with me. I don't want to have the standard visitation and have him take them every other week just because it's his week. I only want him to take them when he's responsible enough to do so.

What do you think. should I or should I not?
I would not consider dropping it, and here's why:

Verbal agreements are impossible to inforce and put YOU ina position to make the decisions if he takes the kids or not, which makes YOU the one he will argue with, call names, fight with about it.

You don't want that in your life.

You can NOT count on a meth addict to assess himself accurately to know if he's too tired or too high to have the kids.

Even if he did assess himself accurately, you can not enforce that he use common sence to make a good decision about skipping his visitation with the kids.

He is not in a place in his life right now to make those decisions.

YOU should not ever be in a place to have to make those decisions for him, and enforce them when he disagrees.

Keep the supervised visitation and tell him that he can go back to court and change that whenever he feels he's ready to stay clean and prove to a judge that he no longer needs someone else making sure his decisions are in the best interest of the children. Tell him you hope this comes soon as you'd love to not have to worry about it anymore.

But you CAN remove the fighting over it. You remove that by putting the decisions making on someone else. Not you, and not him. He has the absolute power to change that. Let him have that power.
never
ending
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
not only what everyone else said, but if you have these temporary orders thru the court system, and you start to make your own rules, it will not sit well w/the judge, nor will your children continue to be legally protected as they are now. You change the rules, the husband says in court "but your honor, quack quack quack, and she's been letting me have them unsupervised, etc etc etc", and you may not like what the results will be.

YOU are the sober parent. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that they are safe and protected to the fullest extent, and that includes the help of the law.

He needs to PROVE that he is getting his shyt together and that he can be with the children without you having to worry about it. You shouldn't have to worry "is he high? is he not? can I let my kids go w/him?" Make him prove it with the help of the system. Good luck.
TnSkye Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
My daughter is almost 11. I would never allow her dad to take her anywhere alone.

He would take her to get drugs. Or Who would he leave her with to go get drugs? Alone? What would THOSE people do to her?

He would forget her and leave her somewhere. He drives like a maniac in a convertible.

He leaves out drugs and paraphernalia.
He leaves out porn and adult toys.
He doesn't watch his language and neither does anyone he hangs with.

As SFJ said, if he can't get his drug, there's just too much that could happen.

You aren't keeping your kids away from their father. You are protecting them.

My daughter's dad is allowed to come here anytime he wants to and see her. As time goes on, he comes less and less as his drug life becomes more and more important.

You may see the same in your supervised visits.
danimal
55
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
My absolute worst driving was done on meth, and I drank steady for an 8 yr. period. I was a road hazard from hell under the influence of meth combined with days of no sleep.
The crash cycle is the worst, we can't even hold our chin up, but we WILL get in the car to go hook up.
I agree with the others.
Loraura Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
Think of it this way:

You are in charge of your children.

You are not in charge of your ex-husband.

If your ex-husband is not adequately in charge of himself, then SOMEONE ELSE must do it for him. You do not want to be that person.

You do not want that responsibility, you will not be able to enforce that responsibility, and taking it on is a recipe for conflict.

Do not think of yourself as the one who is "making him" use supervised visitation.

He has 100% control of his own actions and he has the ability to put a stop to that any time he wants.

He wants to put a stop to it the easy way -- manipulate you into LETTING him have what he wants, instead of changing his actions to EARN what he wants.

If he pulls the oh pity me shyt out -- remind him that "It's no problem honey! Just be a responsible law-abiding adult and it will be absolutely no problem for you to get them to change the visitation arrangements."

Time4
Change

Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
See I knew you guys/gals were good for me!

I knew the answer before I even posted the question but just need to see and hear it.

I think the enabler in me... always trying to fix it for everyone including him just hasn't died yet.

Unfortunately I'm at the mercy of the court. I'm not sure how they'll perceive his visits to the psyche... he's never been caught for this.. it's just my evidence against his. And I'm hoping it's enough.

If I have to let them go I'll have to find a way to deal with it and move on. By going that far he will be mad enough that if he gets regular visitations ... he'll take them every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer just out of spite and won't bring them back no matter what state he's in.

I know allowing him to get out of the SV is just enabling him more. so thanks for all the feedback.. you helped me keep my head on straight!

Lauraura...
He is exactly doing what you said... Oh pity me... I'm not going to be around so you won't have to worry... yada yada...

I so fall for the
manipulate me into LETTING him have what he wants, instead of changing his actions to EARN what he wants.

Problem is he thinks he is doing what he needs to be a responsible law-abiding adult.. because he went to those 2 visits.

In fact he's mad saying that he wasted money on those visits because I'm still going through with the divorce... my thought was obviously he's just doing it to get everyone off his back.. he wouldn't concider it wasted money if he was serious about his recovery.
blue
angel40
Re: Meth husband, supervised visits with children?
I agree with the others and also your kids deserve to have their dad be either not high when with them and not feeling ready to crash. If he cant understand that then it would be my way or no way because above all its the kids happiness and well being that should matter more than the conditions concerning his spending time with them. Keep it supervised visits and tell him to get over himself for once and put them first. Blueangel

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