KCI The Anti_Meth Site

Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

My Dad on Crystal Meth
I don't know where too start, except for that I'm sixteen years old and my dads a meth user and dealer. Basically I'm over all of it, its just getting too me, and I needed somewhere too go too just let go of all of my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only daughter in the world that has a parent that smokes crack, then reality hits me in the face, and tells me too harden the fuck up, and that theres worse things out there happening too good people. Its like the promises mean nothing too my father, like the only thing that matters is the glass pipe with the crystal substance in the end, but as I watch my dad smoke his crack, and swirl the pipe too get every last drop of his addiction, thoughts scatter through my mind over and over. This drug was put in this world, to test people like my dad, try it once, it may set you free, try it twice it will own your soul. Unfortunately crystal meth has taken over his life, some people break free, but you cant be helped until your ready to come down out of that high, and back to reality. Sometimes I wonder why people take drugs, is it too forget about everything, and take yourself too that better place, where nothing else seems too matter but the hit of high your on? Is it because they have no one else, but they know they always have drugs to relie on? Crystal meth will always be right by my dads side, it will always be there to hold his hand, but i wont be in the end. They say addiction is an illness, this confuses me alot. Because my dad doesn't care at all about getting help or coming clean, all he fucking cares about is the next hit, whether its going down his throat, up his nose, or through his veins. Its hard living with an addict. I think the worse part about knowing your dad does ice, is when he first takes that hit, the glassyness in his eyes, when his pupils explode, or when he starts fidgeting. I think I act like he doesn't scare me, but sometimes he does, sometimes I think hes going too lose it and just fire up. Basically crystal meth, is candy too a baby. People will do anything in there power too get that high. I promised myself I would never be so selfish, too put my family or myself through that. But I guess promises mean nothing. Because they don't too my dad. I don't know, maybe souls were put here on earth too be taken my the monster, and too never be set free as long as they live. If your a parent, and your on ice, think about the effect you are having on your children, I guess meth users forget all the little people, the sons/daughters who look up too them. Think about if you could go back and re live that day over, what would you do. Because coming from a daughter that has a dad as an addict, it is the hardest shit I've had too deal with. I've grown up and been around crystal meth my hole life, but I still haven't been able too deal with the fact that it is and always will be around me. I know one day I will walk out, just please I'm begging you if you have kids and your a meth user, think about the effect your having on there lives, did you really have kids too put them through this? I know there is some lost souls out there, but I have read about users breaking free from the spell of meth, and if you really care and love your kids you wont put them through all the stress. I can't sleep properly, I'm always on edge that I will be hurt by my dad or his friends, or the people he deals too. Every night before I go to bed, I pray and I hope that my dad will still be alive in the morning. It is the most horrible thing too think about before you go too sleep especially when your only a kid. Thank you for reading my story, and if there is lost souls taken in by this filth, I wish you best of luck, and good on the people that have turned there lives around.
--S

The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use. If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible. E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

Hi. Weird how lots of us accidentally find this tiny hole in the world. A sickness that brings us all here to gather. To see is maybe someone knows something , that little glimmer of hope that will give us faith. Or a reason for us to not feel so bad about our own problems. Meth. You've ruined a lot of lives. Your ruining Elia's. She's 10 years old. She makes good grades. Shes funny. Shes smart. She likes watching old movies and quoting them to my dad. Hes 55. He doesn't know the world the way young people do. He just goes with the flow. Dad was married to Maggie. Dad changed his way of life for her. He disowned me and my 2 sisters for her after she had their 1st baby. Then came their 2nd baby after I had mine. Weird being 35 and having a 10 year old sister. Maggie left dad after she assumed he was having an affair. Then she fell in love with meth. No one has been the same. I learned that my little sisters didn't have any rules after my sister Mercedes became pregnant in the 10th grade. Random people stayed at their house. No food. No rules. No light or water. No Maggie. Police were being called out because 'someone was across the street', 'someone was under the house', 'someone is following me'. No one but my sisters knew the truth. The white substance in the car. The erratic behavior. The changing of attitudes, lack of sleep. CPS has been called. I had to accommodate my dads schedule to help with Elia. I had to pass a background test to take care of someone Ive always known. I had to feed,care,nurture another person unselfishly. I'm a prisoner to my family. And Maggie is free as a bird. No responsibility. No cares. She went to rehab. She followed the rules. She got to see Elia alone. THEN she gave into meth again. Elia, is not important. Shes someone Maggie knows. Ive prayed many times for Elia. I cant find it in myself to pray for Maggie. Shes sick. Her face is ugly. Caked with makeup to cover a "chemical burn". Her hair is a product of an irrational decision made while she was 'spun'. Her brain cant keep up with the lies and rambling her mouth is saying. Her once overweight body looking frail and sickly. She disgust me. FUCK YOU METH!!!! ELIA CANT FIGHT YOU!!! SHES NOT STRONG ENOUGH!!! FUCK YOU MAGGIE!!! SHE DESERVES BETTER!!! SHE NEEDS HER MOMMY!!! But I will. I will pray for forgivness for my hatred. I will pray for maggies recovery. I am a warrior. I will battle at the front of the line for her and my dad. I will ease all the pain I can. Take any hit. Deal with Elias anger, withdraw, sadness, loss. Cry to my future husband who has supported the situation. Maybe he knows an answer. Dear God, if you hear me, I need you. We all need you. Help us Lord to find strength within ourselves to fight. To keep on fighting even when we lose over and over again. To forgive and not point fingers but to heal one another. It will not be easy Lord. I cant do it alone. Help me father but most importantly help Elia. I love you. This is for you Elia. You may never find the words but you never had too. Your big sister
--VALERIE

I am 17 years old. since i was about 10 or 11 my father has been a meth user. which our family has suffered tramatically for. My dad has stole a bunch of money from my mom. Some night we went to bed hungry cause my mother was working and the money she left us for foo dmy father would spend on drugs. he'd invite all his friends over and they would party while my mom was gone. at 10 years old i experienced things a 10 year old should never of had to winess, i was sexually malested by my dads best friend. my mother truied to turn him in but he fled the state. my dad always bad mouthed me and told me i lied about it. i watched my dad cheat on my mom over 14 times. growing up with my dad on drugs we done with out a lot of things. we use to find needles al over the house. he would always tell me to be quiet about what i saw. when my youngest brother was 6 he found a floorbord full of needles that my dad left in the car. he was in and out of rehab over 15 times. he went to jail in 2008 for a year and he cleaned up and when he got out things started looking good for a bit until he started hanging out with his nephew. he started doing drugs again. he tried to lie about it but we started seeing all these sores on him like he had been pickin at himself. in feb of 2010 he told us he was going to the store one night and never came back. he called us cause he wanted to explain but what kind of father just up and leaves his children. my youngest brother had to start seeing a psychologist because he was trying to hurt himself. he told them that my dad didnt care so why should he. i look at my little brother and the way he is actin now and i am so scared he will end up like my dad. my sweet 16 i wanted so badly for my dad to be there but he never showed. we have tried settlin things a few times but he would always go back to the woman he left my mom for who was also on drugs. when i look at my dad today i am kinda embarrassed. i cant look at him the same, when i hug him i feel sick. i love my dad i really do but i know he is still using. he has sores all over him from where he still picks at himself. i could go on but i just want to say to anyone who is even thinking about trying thinnk about this. using and abusing doesnt also have a major impact on your body it has an effect on your family and friends also. just know that god is with you and i promise he will forgive and let ii be. use this as a learning experience. why would you want to destroy yourself like that. you are so much better then that. meth and other substances destroys lives. precious lives! tomorrow isnt promised but today you can make a decision that can change your life forever and make a huge difference in the peoples lifes around you!
-- Sarah

I lived with a meth addict for 4 years,unknown to me until the end. I knew something was wrong with him,very hypersesitive, etc. He has a nice house, job, teeth, nice skin, just a little too much energy. He also had plenty of money to spend,(pot money) none of that will ever be enough to make me ever go back to that life of hell. My last words to him were," I know you can't be alone, but God's sake please don't choose a woman who has a child with her." I could never be happier. meth is a crazy maker, it made him crazy, and me too. I have 3 friends who have lived the same nightmare, good women all of us, meth is sneaky and sick. Who would think to ask on a first date," are you on meth?"
--S

My Life is ...
I'm 38 years old and have Breast Cancer and I too am an addict. My dopamine and serotonin receptors are nonfunctional. 26 years i take it like it's one of my morning medications. Just composing this letter is hard. My Mom died on February 1, 2012. She was 75 years old and a drug user for about 50 years up till 8 months before she died. I kept my distance from her for about 4 years I couldn't stand to see her all F***ed up been up for days and taking pills. So I avoided her and not to mention the first thing she would say is Got any s***. Even if I'm in tears on the phone. So about 4 years go by and the day i decide to go over to see her in the driveway past mine. She has Congestive Heart Failure and was In ICU and she said she wished she never would have done dope or give it to her kids or anyone. After that she went to a Rehab for a month and comes home ends up in ICU in 4 days. Back to rehab I took her dinner almost every night. Taught her how to eat with her left hand because she had a stroke o her right side. near the end I was her voice we got so close. Anyways I hate meth but don't know what to do. Having radiation is really horrible on my body inside and out. I finally accepted god into my heart, that's how i got through the 8 days but after that I just couldn't make it on my own. Well it wasn't entirely on my own I was taking Bronkaid and having a Dutch brothers D.T. Double Torture with 3 extra shots too and a 5 hour energy drink. I hate my life and the cause is Meth Please Don't do it ever. I feel like my soul is lost I'm sure many can relate. My mind used to be so sharp here i sit trying to think of what to write and I don't know. I think if there was a medication that could give you dopamine and seritonin so the brain can rest that would be awesome Then the brain can try and regenerate what the meth has done. anyhow hope this shows you meth is no good dn't do it.
--L

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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents