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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents


   This is just my short story about meth taking control of my whole city. It is literally stealing children away from their parents and because of the potency of some of the gear around Geelong, a number of people, including me, are losing everything for that next hit. Im 23 now, and since the age of 19 when I found IV use and meth, I have probably smashed a fit(needle) in my arm between 2000-3000 times. Due to a car accident at the age of 19, I have been payed close to a quarter of a million dollars in compensation. And to my name right now, I have nothing but debt. I should be near set up at this point in my life. But instead im sucking the last bit of hope out of my old lady. She has stood by me through ALL of the stealing and the lying, something that my girlfriend of five years only recently found out she could no longer do :(. I just pray that the chemicals produced that factor in meths potency, become a lot harder to get a hold of. Its the only realistic dream of slowing down this horrifically fast paced life sucker called ice.. In my perfect world ALL drugs that altered one's state, would be unavailable and unheard of :) Oh how I hope that this is the only place in life where meth is available. If I have to leave my place on this earth behind one day, I do not want to be putting up with meth's bullshit in an afterlife or whatever comes next. I just hope the world gets better. I don’t want to get out of this shit life Ive built myself, only to watch so many others suffer at the hands of this demon. I don’t know how anyone close to me has put up with my behaviours since addiction took hold. Im very thankful a lot of people have stuck around, I just have no idea how they have done it. Meth is a destroyer. And guess what, its basically unbeatable. Well us as individuals have the opportunity to beat it, but we cannot beat the stranglehold meth has on the world, even in my entire lifetime :(
    Methamphetamine/Ice is taking over so many lives around us in Geelong. From personal experience I strongly urge everyone to either stop using it or never even try it. without individuals realising, slowly but suddenly ice will take control of your actions and your thoughts. No matter if youve given into the demon of the needle, or if youve been overcome by the devil of that crack pipe, you will lose everything if you continue to abuse it. You'll lose your friends, your family, your belongings, your dignity and your morals. Don't be one of the ignorant ones that believes it can't happen to you, don't fall for it's trickery of making you believe your still in control. Because each time you let it into your body, your brain is being rewired to believe happiness can only come from ice use. If you know someone struggling with the strongest addiction this world has on offer, try lend a little extra help to that person, because some extra encouragement might be all it takes. Ice will turn your loved ones into inhumane, drug thirsty, life sucking, soulless human beings. That's a guarantee. So PLEASE deter deter deter away from this demon. life has so much to offer when ice has no involvement in it. Ice is the dirtiest of drugs there is, believe it or not it shits all over heroin as to the way it affects your brain. It fries people permanently and kills the innocent. Don't let your loved ones fall in the same trap many of us have previously. No one deserves the heartache ice use brings to families. Not even the scummiest/feral of human beings deserve to be controlled by this deadly drug. So if you happen to be lucky enough for your brain to have not been taken over by ice, at least help one person that may be wandering down that deadly path. It could be anyone, your brother, your sister, a parent or even just a friend. This ice epidemic in Geelong is going nowhere anytime soon if we can't all lend a little hand or at least let someone going astray know that they are truly special and can accomplish so much in life if they lose the ice forever. Please stay away from ice and try to keep a distance from those with no intention of stopping the drug. Thank you if you actually do some of the things I've mentioned in this message. Believe in anyone. Anyone has to power to regain control of there life. Love life drug free! I personally guarantee it'll be so much more rewarding.
--Oxo


The purpose and intent of these letters and stories is to discourage crystal meth and/or methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

Meth Recovery
    Just wanted others to know that it is possible to escape a meth addiction.  I am one of the addicts who has kicked the habit and stayed clean for almost 9 years.  It was not easy, but I had help and found a way out.  I am very grateful to NA for my recovery, the program ruined my using habit!
-- Valerie


My Meth Story
    In 2001 I left my husband in Wisconsin and ran home to Texas with my 8 month old son. I eventually got hooked up with my ex best friends ex-boyfriend. I knew my ex best friend had a problem with speed but I knew her better than I knew her ex and I thought it was really all her. About 2 and a half months after he and I hooked up, I found out I was pregnant. I drove to his house to tell him and he didn’t seem to mad. He got up from where he was sitting, pulled an ounce of speed out of a hiding place and flushed it down the toilet. I’d never seen so much speed in my life. At this point, I’d never done it. We decided to move in together. I would go out with him some nights and he would ask me if it was okay if he could do some meth with some with his friends. I would say I didn’t care. I thought it was nice of him to ask. After the baby was born, I was not supposed to have sex for at least 6 weeks.
    One night he brought me a cup of coffee and I ingested my first taste of meth. My body was crazy. My hair stood on end. Something crazy ran up and down my back and neck. My genitalia were engorged with lust. I wanted to have sex with him. I did. He told me what he had done and while I was mad I admitted I had fun with him. For the next year or so I did it with him a couple of times. Over the course of the year I had caught him masturbating to porn all over the house. My feelings were hurt and I felt inadequate. He told me to just try meth with him again and I would understand. I agreed one night. We stayed up and I watched him masturbate while we watched porn. I started to touch myself as well and it felt amazing. I could not ever have an orgasm with my fingers before, now I was having multiple ones. We watched porn and I loved it. I would talk dirty to him and to the TV saying all the things you would normally privately think in your head. After about 6 hours of this we would have sex and then go back to masturbating. When the kids would wake up we would take turns watching them so the other could continue to watch porn and touch themselves. Later he told me he prayed I would like touching myself that night so he could touch himself too. We created monsters. On weekends we would get fucked up and watch porn for 10-12 hours while the kids slept. Coming down was horrible. We would fight. He abused me. We would sleep hours leaving my 3 yr old son and our 18 month old daughter alone. His mother eventually called CPS on us and one day a CPS worker showed up at the house while we were passed out. She later told me the baby had stared at her through the window for 30 minutes while she knocked. We were oblivoulsy passed out. Looking back now I can’t believe my children didn’t die while being UN supervised in the home.
    We broke up eventually. We got back together. We did more meth. We stayed up for hours telling each other deep dark secrets. We would never share things with each other unless we were high. We would tell each other when we masturbated alone. What we thought about while we did it. Where we did it. He told me about gay experiences he had. He shared his fantasies with me. I wanted to do more and more meth so he would tell me more and more. We would watch so much porn. We spent around a grand on porn. Eventually we lost our child to his mom. We broke up again. We got back together and she gave us our child back. I got pregnant again and this time my dad passed away. Things changed for me and I told him I was done and not ever doing it again.
    After this baby was born we moved into the house my dad built and for about a year things were good. Then he started masturbating all over again. He was supicious of me and what I was doing. I suspected he was on drugs again. I asked him to get us some meth. When we got high that night he told me he had been using the whole time. He had cheated on me with a prostitute at one of the sex stores where you can go to masturbate and watch porn in one of those rooms. We used to go there and get high and masturbate. I was so mad. But I was so happy he was telling me the truth again.
    Things went downhill from there. We started using again every weekend. His mom could tell we were getting bad again and she took our baby and the other child that was his. He left me again after beating me really bad one night and getting arrested.
    When he left me, I stopped using meth. About a year later my mom passed away. I was trying to fight for my kids back but he came back to me again and the courts said I had bad judgment for letting him come and go and beat me. They gave custody of my daughters to his mom. I had lost everything. I choose on my own to do meth this time. I started small only doing a 20 or a 30 sac and sitting at home watching porn masturbating. Eventually I was bored and started going down the street to have sex with the meth dealer who had been a child hood friend. We were both freaks and together we were like a sex house. We propositioned any female who came in to buy meth from him that I found attractive. I would take my friends down there, get them fucked up, we would take bubble baths together while he brought the pipe in so we could hit it. I would get them and me dressed up in outrageous things, put on some porn and have orgies.
    Finally one day I realized this life had completely got away from me. I wanted my children more than anything. The only thing I could think to do to change my life was to leave Texas. I got packed my trailblazer full of my things and my son’s things, put my son in the car and drove back to Wisconsin. It has been over 2 years since then and I still have the thickness in my throat. I think about it. I want to watch porn and touch myself so bad. Thank god I have not heard one person here mention the word meth. I’ve never been so happy or healthy. I can never go back and live in Texas. All there is for me is a pipe and lost dreams and dead loved ones. In the depths of my binge I thought all my “friends” were talking about me and plotting against me. I alienated everyone around me. Now days my family tells me how great and wonderful I look. Back then I use to lie and say I was not doing drugs. Even though with the sunkeness of my face and eyes, and only weighing about 100 pounds it was undeniable. Now I weigh 160 and love it. I know my parents are proud of me now. I’m working on getting my daughters back. My son is doing so well. He is growing and prospering more than I ever thought he could. I saved his life and mine the day I drove out of Texas. Meth will kill you. Meth destroys families and changes the very soul of who you are. I did things with people I would never do if I was not high. I can’t believe I did not get Aids or some other STD. I only have God to thank for pulling me out of that mess. If I did it, you can do it too. I believe in you. Good luck.
--W


Life is a Gift...
   Four years ago I met Michael the love of my life. But the 1st year of our relationship was no fairytale, we were on and off he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be with me or her the mother of his 3 kids. He was using crystal with the mother of his 3 kids, then in 2008 his youngest son (2yrs old at the time) was almost beaten to death while in the mothers care. Now I’ve done my share of experimenting with drugs but I’ve never been addicted to anything. Michael and I were out on a date at that time. She had full custody and Michael saw them every other weekend. She says her and her bfriend were out drinking and her cousin were watching the kids, she doesn’t remember anything cause she was “too drunk to remember” just that her boyfriend carried her inside the garage and put her to bed cause she was so drunk. Police investigated but had nothing to go on, it was either her or her boyfriend. Soon after CPS got involved and removed the children from her care as she couldn’t explain why her son had broken ribs, liver damage and choke marks around his neck. After this incident he went back to her so they could try to be a family again, I saw it coming and had no issues but I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, she didn’t seem too concerned on finding out what happened to her child. Not long after that Michael started contacting me again saying she was doing METH again but not like before, it had taken over her life, he was using too and when I saw him my jaw dropped. He was so pale, thin and disgusting looked like he hadn’t bathed in weeks. I told him this isn’t the Michael I know and why is he letting this drug beat him I just couldn’t understand. He was living with her and a meth dealer in some motel. He said he couldn’t do this anymore and wanted to be with me, I told him this was his last chance with me. As he was extremely violent and moody when on METH, his eyes were a black hole of a lost soul. CPS required both the mother and Michael to take therapy classes, AAA meetings and random drug tests in order to see their kids. Michael started the program & stopped using meth cold turkey, I still remember seeing him sweat and shake/twitch in his sleep. Now her on the other hand thought she didn’t need to do anything and she would get her kids back regardless. She didn’t even want to do supervised visits cause she had to do a drug test. She hasn’t seen or talked to her kids in over 2 years, last January the court termed her parental rights and awarded Michael full custody. He has been clean 3 years, I cant explain how proud I am of him. We live together with his kids and recently just found out I’m pregnant!! Every once in a while she will try to contact Michael but he has no interest in her what so ever, its so sad she’s been in and out of jail for a year. But I worry….The real victims here are the kids, the oldest 2 are affected the most as they remember their mom the way she used to be. How will this effect them when they are adults?? Will they do the same as she?? The youngest doesn’t even know or remember her, I see him as my own. I wanted to share this story cause there is light at the end but it’s a life change, just quitting METH isn’t enough your way of thinking has to change and more importantly your surroundings. Stop the cycle!!!
-- Amanda


Family Affected...
    I have a very big family and up until a couple of years ago we were all fairly close. The sister that I was closest to, Abby, became a serious meth user not long after my other sister, Ashton. Ashton was only physically affected. She weighed around 300 pounds and became a diabetic, and also started using meth. She lost the weight rapidly and now she's left with so much excess skin she could probably fly if she jumped off the roof of a 2 story building and she's only got 2 teeth (her teeth were beautiful, white, and straight until she started using). When Abby started using, she had her 2 kids and her husband living with her. She and her husband both began cheating on each other and neglecting my nieces (their children). Abby became very close with a captain in the Arian brotherhood and they were "dating" so to speak. She, her husband, "manny" (the arian gang member) and several other people got together to "party" one night and plan a way to get rid of a gang member who was trying to leave the gang. Abby, being as high as she was, allowed "manny" to take her truck. Manny and another man ended up murdering the man who was trying to get out of the gang, along with the man's girlfriend. Manny left her truck along with her husband's gun at the scene of the crime. My sister, my best friend, my mom's pride and joy, a girl whom everyone was so proud of and loved. The sweetest person I've ever known, the one person I could talk to about anything in the world and she would just listen...she's going to be in prison for the next 20 years SIMPLY BECAUSE she was too high to think about what she was doing. She was too focused on being this "bad bitch" rather than consider the fact that she's going to miss out on her children growing up, meeting her new twin nephews, the fact that her parents may not even be alive when she's out of prison. Just because she KNEW that this murder was going to happen. Of course the men who committed it are getting longer sentences, but simply because she knew, because she took that drug that got her in with these people, she left her entire family and amazing life to grow old and alone in prison. Please think twice before you let into your temptations. You may not care about anyone while you're high or feigning, but when you get caught and taken away from any access to drugs and deal with those withdrawals, you're going to regret treating the people who love you that way. You can never take it back and most of those people will never forgive you for putting them through hell. I have been told "I hate you" by people simply because of something my sister did; something I had absolutely no control over. It's a tough thing to live with. I love her with all of my heart still and I'm always going to call her my best friend, but this is something I'll never be able to get over and she'll never be able to forget or make up for.
--Alicia


my story of loving an addict
    I am writing this hoping to get years of feeling of hurt, confusion, and pain out of my body even if it is just for a few minutes. I am 33 years old with a teenage son. I grew up with a mom who is still a meth user. I lived mostly with my great aunt but my mom was always around. I had always wish she wasn't because even at a very young age I knew when she was using and when she wasn't. Around my mom I was around drug parties, never able to sleep due to the noise of partiers in the house, waking up finding my mom gone, as ususal. Getting myself ready for school, only to come home to either a messed up mom cleaning or sleeping like a dead man. I never knew what each day would bring. This went for years. Even though I lived with my aunt, I longed for a real relationship with my mom so I kept going back for more hurt, hoping for even a second of happiness. She wasn't mean just never emotionally present. So I grew up never knowing how to express myself the right way. I also have no idea what a real relationship is like. I did have true love from my aunt. She was a miracle in my life. She did her best and I am forever grateful. So I do know what real love should feel like, I suppose I feel I am not fully worthy. I have a problem believing anybody could really love me. I still do. I feel weird when I get compliments. I am great at my job and I am an amazing mother, those things I do know. I love being a mom and my son is my life. Although I am strong and independent, it is only to a certain extent. As I am desperate for someone to love me. My dad is also not involved in my life ,that was his choice.
    So at around 18 I met my now ex husband, we used meth together for our first times. I used for a few months, never got addicted and stopped using because I didn't like myself. I also started using to see what made my mom use. My ex on the other hand continued to use. We stopped seeing each other and moved apart. Several months later he called me and we immediately got back together. Instantly were inseparable. He has an amazing personality and super nice...when not using. I did start using again but only for a month, again I didn't like the feeling. He kept using but I didn't know he was addicted. I ended up getting pregnant just a few months later, at 19. I instantly prepared myself for motherhood and never looked back. My ex continued to use and became a major jerk. I had the worst pregnancy only because of his meanness on this stupid drug. I experience all the typical shit. Him being gone for days coming home sleeping eating then only to start it all over again. We had good times which is what made me always have hope he would just stop. Now with my mom in my life, I still could never talk to her about my problems because my problem was hers as well..too crazy!! I was a mess for years on the inside. Now on the outisde I am great at hiding my feelings. I am able to act happy and enjoy friends and coworkers, etc. Noone would ever expect what I was really going through. I learned to do that from the age of about 5. So to spare the details of my daily life over the next 7 years, I can summarize and say some days were great. We had great family times and those I cherish. Now the bad days, were horrible. I did the typical codependent thing. It's all I know really, been doing since 5. Towards the end of our marriage, our son was 6 and my ex was very badly deep in meth addiction. He was stealing left and right, using and looking like a total zombie. The things I saw are forever mentally damaging. I saw a once regular guy turn in to a monster. He had no feelings, no emotions, no heart, no nothing, just an empty methed out soulless monster. He eventually got caught and went to prison. I divorced him and got my life totally together. During the last of our marriage I went to nursing school and managed to graduate even thru hell with him. This helped me greatly financially. I worked 2 jobs was stress free and peaceful. I had some sort of normal life with my son. I was always able to keep his use away from my son. My son only saw the good dad, never the bad one. He has no bad memories luckily. He doesn't know I went without eating for days when we had no money, because I had to make sure he had plenty of food to eat. It's only what a good mom would do dealing with those circumstances. And yes I know it's not normal in anyway but when you are with a meth addict..it is. So got my life together, stopped all contact with my ex. Met a nice man moved in together, had a great 2 years. Then what happens..he turns out to be addicted to pain pills..What the hell! I had no idea. Until I kept finding empty bottles. When confronting him he had a medical reason and had real prescritpions. But eventually it got out of hand and I ended it. Another horror story of addiction, too long to get into.
    So I get my life on track again, I'm working 80 hours a week to keep up with the bills. I'm dating, but of course I'm dating nice guys. And I do not know how to handle that. Its sad but true. All I want is a nice guy but why would a nice normal guy really like me?
    So fast forward. My ex gets out of prison after almost 6 years. I decide I want him in our sons life. My son needs him. We start talking he has changed back to his happy nice self. Being a great dad and being able to see my son truly happy again. We talk about getting back togeher. Now I did know it was crazy if I did but again I do not see addicts as just addicts. I know them as people not just numbers,as I am a daughter of one. I know he deserves a chance and who wouldn't want to get there family back together right? Now its'been 6 amazing months...Then the devil reappears. He uses and cheats on me all in the same day. He admits it all. He leaves but comes right back. Me desperate for love takes him back knowing relapse is part of it. We do ok for awhile, then bam..he uses again. But this time he denies denies denies. Lies and lies and lies. All my old feelings and memories come flooding back. All the years I spent putting that behind me comes back times a million. I had no proof other than my gut feeling. So now it's been a month and a half from the first use. And it sucks. He still denies but my natural instincst never lie. Although I tell myself I am wrong, I know I am right. Now I refuse to go back to my old snooping self wearing myself out doing the typical codependant stuff. I have educated myself on this wonderful webiste. It has helped me a great deal. He has gone back to his old ways. Not as bad yet, but I know it is to come.
    I have to make a careful plan this time. My son is older and I do not want to scar him for life. I am not questioning his use I just go day by day thinking about how to get him out without causing a big scene. I now know he will only stop using when he is ready. My asking him to stop is pointless as I have learned on this site. So from a daughter of an addict a wife and even exwife of an addict, meth has caused me pain in ways a good honest person should never have to feel.
    But I hope within time I get my life back on track once again and he can either continue to use, go back to prison or stop. But that is his problem now not mine..I will keep hoping for a miracle but live my life knowing the facts of meth addiction outweigh any thoughts of hope. To the addicts or loved ones we all know the emotional pain meth can cause. I did not go into details as I could have written a thousand pages. I hope to anybody that read this will realize with even one use of meth it can not only ruin your life but an innocent child. I am one and am trying my hardest not to have the same done to my son. I beg you to not use and dig deep inside your soul and see why you want to use. Most of us here have had troubled childhoods which causes hard adulthood. But we do have choices, and I choose my son having the best possible with or without his dad. A son needs his dad and its sad this drug has taken him away..again..
--Marla


   I love this site. I love reading the letters from people that are going through the same meth struggle as I am. I am 27 years old and I have made meth (tweak) a major part of my daily life since i turned 17. I have a beautiful 4 year old boy now whom I love unconditionally. I am proud to say that when I found out I was pregnant I QUIT completely and became very depressed and gained 80 lbs. I started smoking meth again soon after I had my son. 4 years ago now. My whole family may suspect something at times but I am extra careful about hiding my secret addiction. Sometimes I really want to tell my mom about my drug habit and talk to her about getting me help but then again I don't want to stress her out and I really don't know how to tell her. And here is my story....
    August 2011 I want to quit smoking meth because I want to be a better mom and I don't want to be locked up in jail, away from my son. I don't like where my life is going. I hate having to depend on it in order to get things done. I hate how I feel. I want to have a normal life and have energy on my own. I need to quit because its hard to be out and do anything but sleep. I think I am getting way too old for this. I just feel like my health poor and if I do not quit soon I know I will not be here too much longer. I can't afford this habit. I can't afford to risk losing my son. I hate hiding and lying to everyone. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it stresses me out. When I am out and detoxing, I sleep and eat. I have no motivation whatsoever. I feel fatter from my over-eating and my uncontrollable cravings. I am very moody and that is not fair on everybody. It is frustrating having to take care of my son during the day whenever I am detoxing. I kinda don't know where to start, or if I should talk to somebody, or if I am in need of some professional help such as a rehab. I really want to do this on my own. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed about my secret addiction to crystal meth. What if I can't do it on my own and end up going back to it. It is SO hard to detox alone when nobody knows what I am going through. I am severely depressed and need help. September 2011 I think this health clinic B-12 shot and appetite control pills is my big break. It is my start to quit smoking meth. October 2011 I am very proud to say that I quit for a whole six days. May not seem like that long but for an everyday tweak er its a lifetime. I got a B-12 shot and that helped so much during my detox and I actually feel SO much better about myself. I felt like a completely new person. My body needed it and honestly my mind needed to rest. I even felt like I could never ever do it again and I was not having to depend on getting more. It really did not matter if I did. I started to feel like I was free and that made me feel more confident to make even more drastic changes in my life. It gave me hope and peace of mind. I told myself I did not want to lose my new found drug-free freedom. And if I do do it, do very little, and stop for a day and keep it under control. Don't over-do it! Don't get addicted Again!! I told myself I don't need it now, so if I do just a little it would not hurt. And for that I am now very discouraged. Sad because now I keep thinking that the only way I will quit is if I am forced to. I quit for six days because I could not risk failing a possible pee test at court. (for a possession of meth charge, by the way) But I need to block that negative thought out of my mind. I need to prove myself. I got a little and just did a little. Very little, but I could not sleep that night, tried so hard, took NY-Quill, laid down and felt restless. Morning came and my son woke up and I felt so drained and had to do a little more to function and it was a long day. I slept that next night. Woke up and felt tired. Maybe the B-12 shot is wearing off. I felt like my old self again. A slave to stupid meth. I'm sad. I got more too. I am trying not to do it tonight. And I am not confident I won't! I can't!! December 2011 A stupid spy co girl who thought I was sleeping with her man was harassing me and she made an anonymous tip to the police saying "I was selling meth and smoking it and blowing it in my kid's face". That is bull shit! I would never do it or bring it around my son and I hardly even knew this girl much less knew her man. CPS showed up at my door. I wish I knew then I have the right to not let the wolves in my house. My mom was here too. She answered the door. I want to tell her so bad (if it isn't obvious enough) but don't want to stress her out more than she already is. My mom has helped me raise my son and without her I don't want to think where I'd be. The police and CPS took pictures of the inside of my house and interviewed me and told me I had to take a mandatory drug test. I said "yes", but I wasn't about to take a test I was going to fail. I took eight niacin and drank and gargled with apple cider vinegar. It was a mouth swab test. I made the CPS worker wait while I tried to figure out a way to get outta this. I smoked a bowl right before they came to my door. How was I going to pass this drug test and get them off my back. It is messed up anyone can call and make a false accusation about someone out of spite and can bring your whole world down. Don't not get me wrong. I am a good mother and I don't believe in doing any kinda drugs around mine or any body's kids. I always make sure to keep the two worlds separate and always know what is more important. My son. And I need to be serious about quitting now. I just hope its not too late. I prayed to God for a miracle and I hope God gave me a second chance. They can't take my son away from me. I'm all hes got. I need help
--Jac


My Goodbye Letter to Meth
    Dear Crystal, Crystal Meth, Methamphetamine… When I first met you I was 15 years old. A very impressionable girl. I just wanted to be pretty, skinny, cool. All the things I thought I wasn’t. My first night with you was fun. We laughed and stayed up all night. I can say my first couple months with you were like nothing else I’d ever known. I felt strong, like nothing could knock me down. I had more friends than I could of ever imagined. I was hanging out with older people. Getting attention I never dreamed in a million years I could ever get. I didn’t realize through all the “fun” I was having there was some dark lingering feeling behind it all. It was an uncontrollable depression that was building up. It caused me to want you around more, and more. I wasn’t able to do anything with out having you with me. I would only sleep when I would fall out. And I HAD to have you when I woke up or I couldn’t. All the things I did you told me to do. You told me you’d always be there for me and you were. I did terrible things but you never judged me. No one could ever understand our relationship. Even through all the bad I couldn’t see that it was your fault. You had turned me into a monster. When I should have been looking for prom dresses and studying for the SAT’s I was looking in the rear-view mirror worried about cops. Or staying out for weeks with people you told me to trust. But when they betrayed me you told me it was ok that they were sorry. So I stayed. Ignoring all the attempts to get help my family was throwing towards me. You told me not to trust them. That they didn’t love me. That they didn’t understand me. That they hated me. Well I see now that that was a lie. You never loved me you used me. You always told me I could leave you behind if I ever had a kid. And that was bullshit. You took me from the one person that needed me the most. My son, Caden. You made me believe I was doing the best thing for him. He didn’t need to see his mom on drugs. He didn’t need me he has my mom. That’s when I realized I hated you. But I went back after attempts of my own to get rid of you. You told me I could control you it reality you were playing with my mind and I could never control you you’d allow me to for a lil while then BAM you would have me under your control again. Well I’m here now to tell you I’m DONE! I am done hateing you I am done loving you. I’m officially scared of you and will always be. I have a higher power that I go to to make me feel stronger and loved, and many more things that you promised me but couldn’t ever give me. I have my family back. I have true friends that love me for me. I don’t need you anymore. I am done..
--Em


   Its been almost 15 yrs since I've seen him...when we broke up it was because of his constant drinking, pot smoking and cocaine use....I myself dabbled in it with him occasionally but never as hard core as he....I loved this guy and didn't want to lose him but also couldn't compete with his substance abuse either....eventually as I remember it I gave him an ultimatum...me or his partying...well he chose the party and left me...I was devastated....fell to my knees...and shortly thereafter was diagnosed with AIDS...now it was about me and my life and/or death....I contacted his family to tell them of my diagnosis as it was only right for him to know and get tested...He too tested positive and after a brief re- connection with him I decided it was not to be and hadn't had anymore contact with him in almost 15 yrs...he is now 40 and I 54..I recently joined facebook and befriended his sister and eventually got his contact email addy...I emailed him about 3 weeks ago...and finally got a response back a few days ago...I called his cell phone and I could tell he was high....I know what a meth head sounds like...sloppy speech...meth mouth is easy to hear...We talked about a lot of stuff we laughed I cried and his mind was surprisingly sharp altho some of his thoughts were a bit absurd and delusional....he told me he spent a year in jail in 2002...selling....I'm assuming meth....He's still a sweet man....troubled...mixed up but still sweet....Yes meth addicts are human...and just because they're addicts doesn't mean they're evil assholes....the chemical is evil and nasty but the addict is still a person...f**ked up but still a person...my heart aches for this man...he's living with HIV with low t-cells but meth I believe has its ugly claws around his throat...I know the sweet loving guy is still in there somewhere but his constant continued use has buried him and his soul...I hate this drug...he has made meth a life choice and I'm certain he will die very soon...gay men living with hiv/aids are a high risk heavy using population...this dirty little secret is seldom discussed in our community....Party drugs are taking are brothers/lovers and our children away from us....all I can do is pray and hope that this epidemic of meth addiction STOPS and brings our boys (and girls) back home to those that love them....Hear my prayer...Amen
--B


this is to anyone who wants to make avoiding meth easier.
i stopped cold-turkey. what helped me and continues to help me is diet and exercise. a typical meal for me (usually everyday) and it gets boring, but it really has helped.

skinless, boneless chicken breast, broiled of dry grilled in a skillet.
a fresh, green vegetable like broccoli, kale, spinach, etc (not salad as lettuce has no real nutritional value)
a fresh raw vegetable, tomato, carrots, celery… something like that.
little to no refined sugar, no breads or pasta, etc (its a sugar thing)

here's what i think is the real key for me.

25 minutes of cardio with a heart rate of 125 - 130 for the whole time. i do this at least 6 days a week. i used to be dismissive about the "runner's high" but now believe in it. plus, the exercise seems to even out my moods.

weight lifting after the cardio. hire a trainer or buy a good book/video to get started and learn how to do the exercises properly and efficiently.

I also eat a lot of smoothies, basically formulated for body building. for example;

fat free greek style yogurt
almond or peanut butter
a ripe, fresh banana
a scoop of chocolate whey based protein powder
fat free milk, enough to make it drinkable.

obviously, all this can be varied to individual tastes and likes, but it seems to work for me.

I hope it will help someone else.
--Jerry


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