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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   Mom, I remember when you were always sober. always looking for the best thing for me and my brothers. you had 3 jobs a car a house. but then you met that guy that you loved so much that you would even let him tear you away from your kids. it tares me appart everyday to remember what you did. i woke up in houses i didnt know with people i didnt know so you could go get high. you let your guy beat us and you. you were so skinny people thought you had aids. you were raising us in a meth lab. the house was being wached. me and my brothers learned to be inepenent. cook for ourselfs wake up by ourself in the morning. becuase you were always in your room or gone. it was like me the 3rd grader little brother 1st grade and big brother 5th grade were living by ourselfs. but we got taken away and lived with our grandmother. you got me back when i was in 6th grade. i thought you were sober you had your job a car a house it was back to normal again. but it all went back down hill when you got your connection back..now im in 10th grade your still doing it. i come home to find your drugs everywhere you tweaking out with your friends thinking i dont know anything thats going on. but i do. people walk up tp me in the street and tell me they just finished smoking meth with you. or you just sold them some. it happens weekly..me and grandma are trying to find a way to help you. i know deep down you still love be but you need to find yourself again. i love you so much and even though your on the drug your still my mom and nothing with change that and that i love you. i wish i could send this to you but i know what will happen and its not verry good. one thing i got out of all this is to be strong. and know what meth is like so i dont have to try it. and so i wont get hooked. again i love you and i pray every day for you to get better and be my mom again.
- -Love your daughter...M.C.W

E-mails are published monthly.  The purpose and intent is to discourage crystal meth & methamphetamine use.  If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crystal meth, please add your story so others may learn from your experience. We do not disclose personal information and edit out such when possible.  E-Mail letters to: kcimeth@yahoo.com

   Hi, it's been a long 9 days. Last week, I was informed by the property manager that next door had to be 'cleaned out'. (an understatement) It is now 6 dumpsters later, and everything that is coming out of that place, (3 bedrooms, no furniture), wreaks of urine and ammonia.
   I could not understand some things, but thanks to sites like yours, I see how a meth head fooled everyone. The big, glassy eyes, were full of tears, (she said she had just come back from a funeral. When she used that one so long, I asked her, 'how many people do you know have died in the past 3 months?)
   She got fidgitty and said, 'Only 3, but the memory of their deaths still gets to me.' so, she preyed on my sympathy.
   The weight loss: in four months, she lost 30 lbs, on a small frame. When I commented she said, 'I guess it's grief. Just can't eat.' (well, when I saw her kitchen...anyone would barf.)
   The reclusiveness: 'I have been a victim of police harassment.
   I dated a cop in this town but couldn't handle his controlling ways. I never answer the door to anyone.' (no phone number either, but a 'friend's cell phone'.) Blackened windows: afraid someone might look in. Kids smell of cat urine: 'oh, that's our cat, she must have peed on his shoes again. It will wash off in the rain.' Atrocious horrible, awful, stinking odour from next door: 'you need to change your cat's box more often.' (yeah, the stink was coming from HER place) Found a container of urine by the back door: 'that's rain water' (with the worst smelling odour ever!) Smokes outside: (thought she was being a good mom), no afraid the ammonia would blow up. Burnt thumbs: that is allergies, skin irritations. 'I'm allergic to something, the doctor doesn't know what'. (yeah)
   After she missed 2 housing payments, and the hydro was ready to be cut off, and after her kids were removed from the home by their father, never to return, someone went in. Three floors, three bedrooms, 2 baths, a very large kitchen and sunroom FULL, FULL, ABSOLUTELY FULL TO THE CEILING of crap. Bottles of pee, blankets soiled by mouse shit and mold, 2 couches, (the same with acid burns), a microwave, a table, (no chairs, no tv). that's all.
   The kids lived there for 4 years like that. Years of excuses, people believed her, even though she was strung out with raccoon eyes, and twitching like a dead rattle snake, people wanted to look away from the obvious signs. And her kids were exposed to that. Even after a fire, (the smoke alarms removed), no one went in there. The sounds of the kids screaming went uninvestigated although I reported the screaming to the police. (she never answers the door). It is day 9 into the 'clean up' with 5 dumpsters.

The drug thats trying to steal my dad
   hello my name is justice and im 17. my father has been addicted to METH ever sins i was 10. as a younger person i would look at my dad and alweys wonder why he was acting the wey he was acting. my dad was the quiet type of man. he didnt like drama and was calm. i rember waking up one night to a 22"rifle going off in the living room and goin in thair in a panick wondering what was goin on so i asked my dad and he told me thair were people in the celing tring to ubduct him and take him awey. from that moment on i was suspishous as to what was going on. when i hit the age of 16 my dad came to me with tears in his eyes and tells me sone im a drug attict and i need help. im going to be gone for a wile and as we sat in that living room with tears in our eyes we thought back on all of the times he met death but never went over. how he doged dieng so manytimes and from that day i knew some one some wair was helping me out on this one. i thought for most of my life i was going to lose my father to something as stupis as meth. it was a large stress for me and he relized that untill he chose not to do the drug he would never get off of it and save his life. so i want to thank all of the out reach companies and every one who saves meth addicts lives.

   My name is rose and i am twenty nine years old i am addicted to meth and have been for almost ten years ive had five children and i love and miss them all very much every day so thats why my story needs to be heard. I began using in jan. Of 2001 because a boyfriend of mine kept pressurin me sayin it would improve sex and leave me with enough energy for work and my two kids. I left him not long after but instead of stopping i delt to others to make up for money lost while with him. My addiction grew. My relationships suffered i quit my job in july and turned to stealin metal with my new boyfriend to survive we got caught four times and while he took all the charges i was just as guilty most of the time. In dec. Things came to a head with him gettin a second degree felony and i had a miscarage on the same day. Once he was out on bail he came home to be with me while i lost our baby. A week or so later with christmas comin no money no vehicle and what felt like a hundred addicts showin up all hours of the night.

   my letter is about my dad. well i am a 16 year old boy named justice and i almost lost my father. my dad was addicted to meth for i believe about five or six years. i could first tell he was addicted to something when i would speak to him over the phone and he would tell me i saw you today boy why didn't you come and talk to me? i would have to remind him we live in seprett parts of the country and it was impossible. he would sey quit lien. i would always wait to get off of the phone to bust out in tears. my father has told me storys wile he was so high that he mumbled. hes told me that thair was people messing with him in his attick so he took out his shotgun and shot the house up. i remember going to see him and him having no money for anything except drugs. i would pay for cigarettes all the wey to toilet paper for him. he had lots of friends who were nice to him only because he could help them get thair fix. my dad would call me crying telling me he loved me for hours and hours and i would never for one second let that phone go because i loved him. i never wanted something to happen to him. he was my best friend. i could tell him anything in the world and he would tell me how to fix it. he is so smart. when he was high he would take his phone apart and put it bace together like eaight times. about six monthe ago my dad told me he was going to rehab because he is hurting himself with a drug we started crying and i told him i was so proud of him it was crazy. till this day my dad has been drug free and i love him for that and i thank sights like this open the eyes to people wh dont know what drugs can do to alter peopls lives and ruin them.

   What a great job you do! I have been a volunteer drug and alcohol counselor for more than 40 years, an author, a musician, retired college instructor ….with tremendous drug related success stories and a few that did not end up right! The most important method of my counseling that I do on a daily basis, is to understand the damages that have already been done to the body and the brain, in most drug violations. Once you establish the belief that the violation was due to the body’s needs and the mind’s reactions to the needs, you will then begin to help the violator adjust his “attitude” towards the needs for the drugs and help him or her change the daily habits, the daily routines, and eliminate the activities that bring on the needs, by replacing them with sensible, rewarding activities. By getting the drug abuser or alcoholic to start a program of being determined to help other people avoid doing what he or she is doing to their bodies and their minds, has proven to be very helpful in reducing the drug dependence or alcohol abuse. Changing friendships, replacing them with people with higher moral values, some with a deep, new religious belief, some being caregivers, volunteers at rehab centers, some go back to school, and others have devoted their lives to helping their own family members become better family members.

Meth Abuse
   A meth story that was MY LIFE. I was living with what I thought was the love of my life. We had it all. We had intended to get married. My son was nine months old when I met my future husband. I was so in love with this man. We had our ups and downs as every relationship does. We had a home, new vehicles, had made our three year anniversary and bought us a new bed, new computer, new pup, we had it all. Whatever we wanted, we were able to get. Then disaster struck, it all went downhill from there. Hurricane Katrina came and took our everything. I almost lost him in the storm. It seemed he was never the same after that. We moved north, living in a camper was not the best of circumstances. We split up. He was so stressed out, we were crowded, needed our own space, and he needed to fulfill something that was missing. To make many years of togethers and break ups short, we were off and on for seven years. I was so in love with this man that every cheat, every job he lost, every beer, every lie, and even every joint he smoked, I overlooked it. But then it seemed he started hanging with a new crowd (the wrong crowd). The last year, he would talk about how people were doing meth and how they make it. I noticed here and there, he was gathering supplies for the manufacturing of the drug. I kept an eye on the things, I had to get away but I was too tied up into this man to just let all of my last six year go to waste. I did the investigating and the arguing and fighting about him not doing the drug. He was obsessed with his guns.
    Everywhere he went his gun was sure to follow. One day we were arguing about something, probably the drugs, and all of a sudden a bullet shot above my head. And I heard “shut-up”. I couldn’t believe that he had just shot at me. He said he was shooting his picture above my head but I still don’t know. I immediately ran to the bathroom in a state of shock, I had a serious anxiety attack, couldn’t stop throwing up and he came back there to tell me to shut up because his oldest son was home. I found my way out of there quickly that day. Of course, I went back the next day. But, to this day, I do shut up and leave him alone if he doesn’t want to talk. I finally wised up and decided I couldn’t live in fear like this anymore. I left him. A month later, his father died. Of course, I was there to take care of him. That lasted a whole two weeks. He was so into his meth that he was sitting in his friends’ truck one day waiting on his friend to take his truck apart to get to the drugs. He was salivating, he couldn’t wait, he wouldn’t go and check on his mom or family, and he waited with this guy to get extremely high. I was appalled and disgusted, that is when I decided I had had enough of this for good. I couldn’t raise my son like this. I didn’t trust him anymore, and I feared that he would get high and not miss the next time. My son was only six, and he and I both deserved better.
   I stayed away for a year and a half exactly. He showed up in my yard one day crying and needing me. I fell for it. I never let my son see him. I never even let my family know I was seeing him again. I wanted to make sure he had changed. The next day, to prove to me that he had changed, he asked me to marry him. Now, I am a 35 year old woman and I have never been married. I was flattered, but I knew I had better test the waters before I said yes. I knew there had to be a catch because he was still shady and I wasn’t convinced he was not doing the drugs. The first few days were great and he was so sweet, giving and kind. It ended shortly after that. I was seeing the patterns that I knew led to meth. His house was completely trashed. He had turned our master bedroom into a shed. He ripped up all of the carpet; the three dogs were using the bathroom on the floor. It was gross. All of the windows were covered with blankets or boards. He had created a living room in a small bedroom. The rest of the house was used for storage. He was staying up all night, he had all sorts of things to take apart and put back together. He even cut the grass at night. And there was always a fire going in his back yard. He never ate, and he was collecting scrap medal everyday and going to the scrap yard. I never questioned where he was getting all of this stuff from, for all I know he was stealing it. He only made like twenty to forty dollars a day and had to put gas in his truck, buy his beer, and go get him some drugs. I knew the meth was around, I just wasn’t convinced. Even though he had hooked up a surveillance, all of his neighbors were “cops under cover”, and he knew a “satellite was in the sky watching him”. Call me naive or gullible; I just call me stupid because I still wanted to believe him. I have never seen meth, so I had no idea what I was looking for. I did find broken pens and aluminum foil everywhere. But I had heard of the shake and bake method. I did find a bottle of some sort of liquid with white and black things floating in it with fumes in it. I am not sure what I saw, but I took what few pieces of clothing I had there and ran for the hills. I have not been back since. That short time with him lasted me a whole month. The weekend I left, his friend was busted while driving with precursors.
    I know I am hurting because I still love this man. I have no idea how someone can throw away their lives and fall in love with this drug. I could not image being without my son daily and seeing my family. This drug is his everything. He never thinks of anything other than the drug Meth, getting caught with meth, or money to buy the supplies for meth. I still pray daily for him and I pray that he will eventually clean up and want his family back. Should I have any hope or let this fantasy of having my family back together go away and move on? He hasn’t ditched his God yet because he still preaches the bible to me. It’s just so funny that the only parts of the bible he finds is determining that he is suppose to live like this. I tried and I proved him wrong a few times, but it only made him mad. Therefore, I had to let him believe what he believed. Am I crazy? I do feel sometimes that I may have enabled him to do this. But I do have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t do this. I have awful dreams about him and I wake up in tears. There is so much more to this story but it is so hard to fit nearly nine years into one small story. Thanks for listening, any advice?
-- Thanks, GzIgN

   I am 29 years old and have been using meth since I was 18. But beyond that I was given the drug Ritalin from the age of 8. Not sure how many of you know this but Ritalin aka Methlyphenidate, is a supposed pharmacuetical version of crystal, its wasn't until the 1980's was it really pushed on kids. Well, I was one of those kids given this "Miracle Drug of the 80's". So, I found it really helped me transition into the crystal high very easily. And so it went...over the next ten years, I would never be able to go more than 6 months at a time. And usually it would either go from a couple of weeks of regular using or it could go on for 9 months or more. Well, after the last 11 months smoking spree, I was able to kick for 2 years! Then I lost my job, but I held out for about 3 months after I lost before I relapsed. Then I didn't use again for a couple of months after that. Then relapse. But these only lasted 2 days at the most. Then I left my home area and relocated somewhere else for a few months. Living an incredible life! Unreal, the sights, the sounds, the people! The enviroment that I was surrounded by was intoxicating by itself and I had no urge to use. But, then I recently came back home for what reason I don't know. It took two weeks before I gave in to temptation...a week long binger that had all the makings of a horrible sex marathon. Starting with a middle aged crystal addict, I still shudder, a motel room, a transsexual prostitute, and chatline minutes....then onto a group of estranged tweeker friends, cute little dope girls, just starting out 19, 20, 21, yeah I like these girls, so more hotel rooms, more sex, more chatline minutes. Soon after, im on the way to a party with two chicks 20 miles away, and Tina is there waiting, so here we go, so I have to "sleep" with two slightly overweight women while smoking? Its not the worst way to get up. And now, back to the hotel room, meet up with the friends, and nack on the line where im able to host a beautiful young woman who makes it cloudier than I do. And after hanging out with her all day, I go back to do my thing and grab another beautiful piece of ass off the chatline, I realize, I am overdosing. I don't feel right so I look up the symptoms on my phone and put 2 and 2 together. I call my friends to come over and finish my stash, which they oblige too, of course, they're tweekers. And so here I am now, after a week of tweeking, then 1 day to chill, and three days and two full nights of sleeping to recover, im back to normal and felt like writing to show you that there is hope. I am starting to hate this drug more and more. And I'm glad I live in a state that promotes medical marijuana....I hate this drug and yet it has me a grasp that I've been trying to break for 21 years.

   Hi im meichelle and im 19 years old almost 20
   its hard to say that i wont ever forget anything thats happened in my life and the fact someone tells me that my mom has been the best mom my whole life without them knowing the true side its like cool once again someone has control and gets to see the outside of my mom but not the inside my mom has been an addict my whole life on meth and you see my mom cooking and cleaning so much its just because shes high and can do it wanna try finding a meth pipe and telling me how that feels like 8 times over and over i bet you dont and then your the one that has the problem you need to stop disrespecting your mom yea well my mom needs to stop using  so take that tell me how it feels when your the one with all the problem and i run away yea i wonder why cause my family thinks im the problem child im the one that needs to go to youth at risk if i dont watch what i say well how come my mom doesnt get anything she just gets another pipe and another bag of dope but thats ok for my step dad cause my mom had him right where she wanted him locked right by her and i have no high school diploma or ged but you know what thats ok because i know who i am and what i am i know what i need to do and i know that my mom has a good heart but you try going through what i do all i want to do is break everything in sight i want to go on the longest walk and never return i want my best friend to just hug but i can cause she lives too far away the pain that i hold is so deep down inside i dont know how to not let go of it making it just one more day is an accomplishment in itself
life will get better but it will only get that much harder before it gets that much easier
   im afraid that one day i wont be a good mom and if i do have kids i will just hurt them like my mom hurt me.
then theres the topic of my biological dad hes been using my whole life and still is to this day i know very few about him all i know is that meth has taken him that hes not even a human...he can have conversations with the wall or jus with himself he doesnt really need anyone to talk to much the less i dont dont really have anything to say about him cause he hasnt had the opportunity to hurt me and be a bad dad cause hes never been there.
  back to my mom well shes been clean for about almost 3 months its hard to say though cause ive never seen her clean before shes always used. the first time i found a pipe i was 13 in 7th grade and it was laying on the keyboard to the computer ever since then my relationship with my mom is gone pretty much shes a friend its hard earning the trust back......especially when i would want to go places with her and she would be "sick" it was dope sick cause she didnt have a bag. the hurt never seems to escape it just digs deeper and deeper all the memories i have wont go away its so hard sometimes. at times growing up it felt like i was on the drug because i would go non stop with my mom and the boredom i would get of not doing anything and sometimes i still get bored ive never used this god awful drug and i just wish the best for everyone i pray that this devil drug leaves!!!

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