and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
How it all got started and ended
I’m not even sure how to start this. I’ve meddled in the drug world since I was about 15 years old. Although, I was never introduced to meth or heroin until I was 19 years old. I had recently moved out of my parents house and into a bigger town. I loved smoking pot and I truly believe this is a gateway drug because that’s what it was for me. I had went through a big coke phase when I was 17 and believed I had put that behind me due to my parents intervening and months of therapy but when I had moved the therapy stopped and with no one there to stop me and friends who would give me all the coke I wanted I began to stray from “I only smoke pot” motto. I remember we had been on a bit of a binge I think we’d been up about 3 days straight doing coke when someone asked if I’d ever done meth? I always thought of meth as a nasty drug only old people did. But the person asking me was a young person around my age and he didn’t seem nasty at all.
I remember him telling me if I liked coke I would love meth. I remember being mesmerized as the twirled the lightbulb around preparing me for my first hit. We smoked a lot that night and continued to do coke. I didn’t even like meth the first time I used it. I was up for 3 more days and my body was so tired I really wanted to sleep and couldn’t. Then a few weeks later I was ridiing around with some friends of mine when one of them mentioned heroin and said he could get it pretty cheap. I was interested I loved pain pills and had always heard heroin was like taking a huge pain pill so I took this guy up on his offer. I remember the first time I bought some heroin from the guy and little did I know my soon to be boyfriend. I loved heroin the first time I did it and couldn’t get enough. So when the two guys asked us to party with them I didn’t think twice about it. It was like drug heaven any drug I wanted this one guy would get for me. It was the first time I was with him and he actually shot the drug up I saw his reaction and instantly knew it was something I wanted to do. At this time I had been sleeping w/ different guys all the time it was no big deal for me. But this guy was different I actually made him wait for about two weeks before I had sex with him even though we were usually very tweaked out or knotted up. I was afraid to get involved with this guy at first because he was everything I wasn’t. Yet I did. I had lost my job and had no income. This guy was a meth cook and supported me even though I didn’t have a job. I completely stopped talking to my old friends and family. I moved in with this guy after three months of being together. I begged him to shoot me up and he did …time after time. I was living with this guy and his parents and his four-year old son when me and his mom got into a fight. Honestly, that’s the best thing that ever happened to me because I moved back in with my parents and got a good job and am still going to college and making good grades. By this time me and my boyfriend had been together 6 months. I had begun to hate meth while living with him because I saw what it had done to his family. He had promised me before I moved that he was done making meth and would not do it anymore because he was on probation and I was really scared he was going to get caught. Needless to say a week after I moved home he did get caught with everything on him to make meth. I, being dumb payed the $500 cash bond to get him out of jail. I was mad at him. But I felt I couldn’t judge him because I was doing the same thing. He decided to check hisself into rehab shortly after this and it has honestly been the best thing for him. Since them I , too have quit all drugs including pot . He promises when he gets out he never wants to do any of that stuff too. But I have told him this is his last chance because I am doing better for myself and do not want to get caught up in all that again. Hopefully he will have a successful recovery and we can be together because I truly love this guy, when he’s not high. Me, I’m done with all of it, sure there are times I would love to get a needle and shoot just one last blast but I know it wouldn’t be just one. I also know the pain that I’ve went through during all this is not worth the time I’m high or even the feeling I get.
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I know i wrote before but all i got to say to you users, or know someone using and want them to stop, once again is stopped while your ahead...look at me, I'm a 26 yr old man who ended up losing everything from a off and on meth use for 4 1/2 yrs, and with a drug history of 11 yrs of using to really complete a session of co lapse because i stayed in it to long! live with my mom, thank god i have someone who will put a roof over my head, but feels like I'm on the roof living here because I'm a animal to her i guess. i acted like one on drugs and been clean for almost 3 yrs now coming soon but still it doesn't matter..was on my own for 2 of those yrs after rehab but ended up here because i lost my job in OR. what I'm saying is stop, stop now users! its a messed up world everyday when you let your addiction drag on to make hell for you down the road because this is why... a lot of people wont trust you like my mom and family doesn't because they see my past alive still with using and i don't know why =/, want to know every where you go, and who you see, even when you just want to go outside it feels like your being monitored and have no freedom! have to give up all your cash to your family to make them see that you don't buying drugs just to make them feel comfortable. ignore you because you ignored them for so long and now its like pay back for treating me like crap when all i do is support and give thousands to be here from unemployment and side jobs i do...still...it will never matter because i used and payed the price i guess, lost not just me that it feels like inside but lost my family as well...and its true! NONE, my dad on the east coast calls just to know if I'm not using and hear it and see i wont have to live with him when I've been away from him for years. a bro and sis and step sister who see me as a complete pos because of what i did with my meth use, like they see me as this, "he did the worst drug and now his not wayne no more", or something but its horrible you guys, horrible for many, not everyone, by i know a lot, to see you, "me", once use meth and get no forgiveness for it....i truly hate my life and what Ive done because of my drug use, especially meth because i cant get back what i want! cant get back me that's smoked away from meth, and my family.....its not worth it, not worth having to have to look at yourself and say i hate you and deal the hand you got now when its folded in but still have to play it, so depressing now! cant do my trade i learned in college because employers see my side affects i have from meth and its not normal from the usual average Joe =/ still crave, still twitch at night when i sleep and during the day sometimes, anger problems and emotional control issues...ocd i feel i think i have from it and doctors tell me but cant treat it, no medical =/ all from meth, the other drugs didn't do that, not these kinda side affects i have now because of meth....so i'll end this with this...stop, STOP while your still ahead if you haven't used that long cause you can catch it early like treating cancer if you get lucky, or know someone using and need them to read something well have them read this...all i want to do is let you see truth from a guy in his grave it feels like because people see me dead, and i see it to because i killed myself inside from meth use and how it can take your good soul away that we all have deep inside that we need i feel! i miss wayne, i honestly do because i was worth something and felt like something! but i wont quit, i mean i want a job, my own place, time away from my family that they want, and just live out my life, the life i have left, hopefully a long one still if meth didn't do serious damage to me that i don't know about!......don't be like me and others hurting so bad,, so bad words cant describe it...stay away from those words and repercussions you get from using because it will take you, no doubt, and when it does, boy let you me tell you or did i already...thanks for hearing me out and i hope this gets to post...meth isn't the way....just find it...its their....I'm looking for it and will find it...."true" happiness....not from meth....from me sober i hope! thanks again and i hope my words touched some reading this.....
My name is irma, first I want to state the reasons why I made myself think it was ok to do meth.At first my friend was a recovering meth addict and I would always say she is so stupid why is she wasting her life away. I had done it once before but was not of my interest until about 3 months ago. my childhood was not at all the best I had low self esteem I always thought I was worthless. I went to therapy for 3 years prior to ever doing meth and I thought I had gotten past all my childhood isuess. Well me and my brother where at home and we decided that we were bored and I asked if he had ever done meth he said no so I thought were bored we should do some drugs he replied "instead why don't we go poke at a rattlesnake instead its just as dangures I said why do you think im that stupid to go risk my life like that. Little did I know that's what we would be doing. We ened up scoring some we we were up for 4 days doing it. Meth completed me it made me whole my traumas my self esteem all my problems didn't exsit until I came down so I would go by more by the time I noticed I was thinking about it 24/7 as well as my brother we enabled each other and made ourselves think that we were not doing anything bad at all because we weren't hurting anyone. I was starting college pretty soon and one of my friends was asking me if I was clean and I would say kind of in a way. I would tell him as soon as I start college im stopping . He told me that if I thought that I was going to wave a magic wand over my head and it would disappear, I always thought that can't be me it can't happen to me. It did happen to me it wrapped around me and refused to let me go. The thing is I want to stop but part of me dosent want to I still want it it feels like I havent had enough of it I still want the high I love it makes me complete. Those days that I would spent hours in the bathroom thinking its never enough and working fulltime and going to college fulltime it only makes it harder I want it more and more. Its so easy for me just to do instead of going thru the nasty headaches, anger, fatigue and everything else What should I do?
My Meth Nightmare
I'm happy to be here, I'm Alive! I beat that Monster, meth Monster. People ask me, Mary did you go to Quapaw House no I went to God. I've been wanting to tell a story to maybe, just maybe help someone else. At the age of 30 i became a meth abuser , and boy did I abuse myself. I lost ten years of my life. I missed out on my children growing up, I lost our home and belongings more than a few times until it just didn't matter anymore. My two oldest ended up on thier own, two youngest with grandparents. Now at this time I just wanted my "Fake Happy". I lived where ever I could , at first and the last where ever I could get high. In the Preparer's lab, home, it didn't matter. I worked for my dope in all kinds of ways . I bought, sold, I danced with the Devil himself . There was not one good thing that came from meth. I did some things that make me sick to my stomach . Things that I pray some younger person will never have to experience. I even wanted to die, wanted to kill myself. I tried, but the little bit of sence I had left kept me from hurting my children. I didn't want them to read on the news, "Mother of 4 found dead in field by fatal wound to main atery". I went to the dark side but something kept me from staying. I know now that there is Good and Evil. I have been alive again since May, 2007. I met my husband now who was a speed freak as he called himself (he has been sober almost as long as I ) he was allowing a cook to happen in his home. I knew it was time but I was still struggling , didn't want to go to rehab. My Husband gave me the best advice, he said give it to God . So here I am, I'm Alive Again. Thank You My Almighty I could not have done it without you!
I haven't been a addict for years, but even in a very short period of time you see how it changes you.
I met my boyfriend a year and a month ago. We bonded our first week together by doing meth one night with friends. Eventually as we continued to date, I learned he had a major problem with it, and he'd actually been trying to stop. He had moved to our town from about two hours away as a fresh start, trying to leave a bad and heavy abusing past behind.
Slowly, on Friday's, we began going and getting it. Stay up all Friday and Saturday night.
I saw him transform after the first hit - when we were in his old town he went by an old nickname. He was a stranger when we were there. But when you're high, everything is weird - I loved the weird. I was so high and happy I'd never be upset about it until we were sobering up. The awful hours where your body craves it, such a weak physcial state.
We'd have sex for hours, of course. 18 hours this session, 14 the next. Then the porn came in after months. I'd look up at him on top of me and he didn't even see me - staring at the screen. If it wasn't playing, he couldn't perform. I'd cry in secret. I felt so dirty and used, but still - I wanted more hits. Always more.
When we were sober, we were fine. An amazingly happy couple, close in every way. For a while I thought the meth made us closer. It entwined us. Every weekend for 8 or 9 months adds up. Then weekends turned into - we had to get it at least once during the week. The long drives up there seemed to take even longer. Using his entire paycheck on it, then we'd scavenge pennies during the week for packs of ramen noodles to live off of. Taking items to the pawn shop trying to get 5 bucks.
Paranoia. Thinking he was in the other room sneaking hits without me. Hours in silence. Waiting at the movie store for it to open so he could get porn. Fighting because we bought a bag that was crap. Bills unpaid. Debts growing larger.
And then it hit us - we had to stop.
It wasn't fun anymore.
Suddenly we realized we wouldn't work if we continued. And we're doing well. It's been close to 4 months. And I'm really proud. Because as you all know, it is so f*%king hard.
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