and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
I think its about time to share my experience being such a regular visitor to KCI. I started the same way most everyone else started. "What's that stuff? Can I try?" Yeah it seemed so harmless then. Being 20 years old and having everything going for me, my drug experimenting finally hit a dead end.
You know, it's fun until you can actually hear your body breaking down and you become increasingly insane. It went from a cool little secret to a dirty addiction. I remember when I was 21, telemarketing for an investment firm, tweaked out of my mind from smoking in my car in the parking lot. It was so fun then. What happened? Well, your body starts taking a toll. Then the madness begins. It goes from the high being awesome and the comedown being manageable to the high being so-so and the comedown being an absolute nightmare. One that broke you down more and more everytime you went back, thinking you could recapture the good high. Well after 3 f**kin years of trying i realize it isn't possible. Unless you quit for a loooong time and then go back, but why would you?
| Quitting is so hard to begin with. Why would you start the nightmare over? "I'm ok now, I should get some and it'll be fun". Yeah that worked. Quit for 3 months and one day BAM!!! I was that high again...sorta. Better than before i stopped but not as high as the first time. At this point my social life was the meth underground. My friends were all tweakers now. And anyone who wasn't a tweaker I felt too insane and misunderstood to be around. Let alone paranoid. I felt so bad being around good sober people that I met (well...not sober,.. but not tweakers) being as tweaked as I was. Putting on a display. "It's all good!" "Life rules". Whatta lie! Then you come down and you believe nothing that you said or did when you were spun. Down on yourself. Embarrassed and defeated. I made a promise to the stranger in the mirror. We're gonna get outta this kid. Even if it kills us, we're getting out alive. I hope to remember that stranger one day.
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Have a friend who is a meth user. I am concerned. I know I can't change her. It's the delusional thinking that I don't understand. The "oh everyone is out to get me" kind of a 'tude. Gonna lose her good job over this, I feel. Thinks her work hacked into her home computer and all her personal emails.... just won't SHUT UP about how work is trying to "get her". I have my own demons, but not the totally delusional kind...
My husband is trying to set me up to take the fall for his guilt
My husband is a meth addict and also a meth dealer/cook. He was arrested in My and charged with Trafficking in Methamphetamine. I did not get him out of jail for five months and then only because his parents came up with most of the money to do so. He had his meth lab in our back yard. I was not involved as I hate drugs and I was beginning to really hate him also. I went to work in the evening and that is when the addicts really converged upon my domain. Though it was hard to keep them away at any hour. He thinks I called but I did not. I was afraid to call them and I did not have concrete evidence that he was doing what he was doing, merely a suspicion although I did know for a fact that he was using. I would find "boats" in the bathroom many times throughout the day. He is in denial and blaming his lab on other people, including myself. I now believe that he is trying to set me up to look like the one who is making it, even though he knows that I hate it and want nothing to do with it. He is angry because I did not also get arrested. Whoever did call on him told him that I had nothing to do with it, and I think they had been watching for some time. Now that he is out he tries to keep me with him a lot and I know that he has been buying the ingredients. I am scared of him and what he is doing but I am really scared of the fact that he is trying to set me up. I don't know what to do. I am fifty-six years old, unemployed and my home is paid for. Why is he trying so hard to ruin my life? He knows he is guilty but he does not think he should pay, instead he would make me look guilty when I have nothing to do with it. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to be run out of my own home by his addiction (it is his home too, I know that, but he is the one intent on ruining his life, not me) He is back on the meth and has been since one week after he got out of jail two months ago today. I hate him on this drug. I need to get away from him and do not know how as I am also afraid of him. I hate drugs and what they do to people. He thinks that he is not hurting anyone. In fact he does not see anything at all wrong with meth, but thinks it is a "good" thing. He is nuts and it is driving me nuts. I don't deserve to be walking on eggshells on a daily and nightly basis. He is a mental abuser and also does not show his bad side to others, so only myself and a few others know that he is truly a mean and abusive person. (mentally, but I fear that it may become physical) I want out, but don't know how to get out. I feel so trapped.
Trapped by a meth addict
My crystal meth story
I'm 23 years old and intill about a year ago my life was great went to work, school and took care of my lil boy all while keeping a 3.5gpa in school,i was the hero my son was starting to look up to and the daughter of a proud mother.I was the over achiever in my family but then again there was also two sides of me I always looked at life like you only live once, you gotta try everything atleast once and so i did I hate that mintality so bad now. i started with weed then stepped it up to coke(which gave me headaches everytime i took a line so i always turned it down) then poped pills schrums which i also didnt like then one night i was sitting with my girl at her table watching everyone drugged out there mind i thought she was crushing coke but it wasnt i wish i would of walked away but i didnt my friend put the plate infront of me and i"ll never forgert her words"mind over matter" and i snorted crys for the first time and it hurt so bad, i wasnt prepared for what i was about to embark myself into let alone how hard it was going to be to get myself out of it. Crystal meth became my drug of choice after that line but i told myself mind over matter but boy was i in for a rude awakening. At the start i weighed 120 pounds last week i went to the doctors and im 90 pounds. Sometimes i look at myself for hours other times i cry cause i dont know the girl standing right infront of me is. My family has questioned my bf if i do drugs since i lost weight so fast but he says no after all he doesnt know either and would leave me if he did, sometimes i eat to try to convince my family that they are just overthinking things but right after i"ll go in our bathroom and snort a line, sometimes it makes me the happiest person, I actually got best call of the week at my job cause i went beyond the box for our customer i work for a bank incase you guys are wondering other times i just wanna die, i hate myself for doing this to my family let alone my son, he is the one thing i cant live without. I used to watch that show "intervention" and was shocked by the people i saw now i cant even watch it because im just like them, no one in my family knows i do meth sometimes i wanna just reach out but then i look at my lil angel and cant imagine life without him and i dont want to hurt my family or cause any grief. im doing this alone, i dont want to go to rehab cause i dont want to loose my son. You never no how strong you are intill you have to be.
Clear flag Jesse Are You There? (A Letter to My Beloved Son)
So, I thought I would take a minute and email you about how I feel. I know you probably aren't there and probably won't respond to my email. But I wanted to tell you I miss the good "ole" days when you would email me right back. Even if we didn't see eye to eye atleast you were there. I miss that. I have thought alot about how much you've missed out on this past year that has gone on in our lives. Nothing really monumental, just the kind of stuff families experience together. I wished you were well enough to enjoy what life has to offer. I feel very sad inside worrying about you constantly. I live everyday with such a helpless feeling, wanting you so badly to care about yourself. I have fought so long and hard to try and save you. Only another mother would understand how hard I've tried. Yet, I feel I've fought this battle alone, and I fear you're slipping away. You have so much to live for, yet you don't seem to see it. You can't see it because your additions have taken such a tole on you, brought you false friendships and fooled you into not caring. I know you don't understand my desperation, but your life is at stake and you are my son. My life would not be the same without you. In alot of ways, I already feel like I've lost part of you. The light in you has dimmed. When I look at you, your not the same. I see the effect the drugs have had on you. You have lost that sparkle in your eye, now their dark and dilated. Your are distant and complacant, confused and detached. Sometimes I wish I could shake you really hard and say "wake up, wake up!, and want to live! Please want to live for me and your son! I can't bear to imagine our lives without you. What would I tell Jake. I couldn't bear his sadness if something happened to you. Yet the thought of it haunts me everyday. Everday, I fear that Meth will take you away. You wil never know how much I too have suffered from your addictions. How I too, have lost quality of life. I truely feel that if you continue down this path you've choosen that you will leave us. Please love us enough to stay. Please find the strength to over come your addictions and save your life. We will be beside you. I pray each night you will wake up and say "today is the day I'm going to change my life". "I matter", my family matters" . I love you Jes.
Once upon a time...
Yes, we had it all. The white picket fence . The middle class life style, the good jobs, the 3 kids and a dog. The kind of life we all dream of, the one that has few worries and just seems to only get better as it goes on. We worked hard to get were we were in life, we did with out a lot in the beginning, to us pizza night once every other month was a huge treat. Our children wore garage sale cloths to school for many years before we could afford to actually buy them their first pair of store bought jeans. And I remember the first time they got to have a bran new bike, picked out themselves from Wal-mart. I don't know who was more proud them or us. We (my husband and I) started out our lives together very young, I was 12 and he was just turning 15 when we met. By the time I was 16 and him just 19 we had twins and just a few years later we had another addition to the family. Both in are very early 20s and 3 kids already. I always had wanted a play ground full, but was unable to have any more, so that is what steered me in the direction of child care in my home for some 20 odd years. While my husband worked at him job for almost 30 years. As I wrote we made a good life for our family and eventually were able to move into our first house as our children started the early years in school. We always new that we wanted then to be raised in a home that they would some day look back on as the home they could bring their own children back to. As each of us had lived in homes growing up that would be different each year along with different schools friends etc... We wanted to give our children a little more stability than we had , had in our growing up. We were also each from divorced parents, remarried, divorced again and again 5 times for me. Each of us with 5 sibling all with different fathers, for me an unknown father. Our goal was to do what we could to better our children 's lives if even a little if possible. I was a stay at home Mom for many years, Child care during the day for my own 3 and for half the kids in the neighborhood as time went on. And also did elderly care work in the evenings after my little ones were in bed for the night. My husband worked 10 - 12 hours and day and quite often a full and 1/2 day on the week-end. As I wrote again, we worked our butts off to get were we were. By the time our 3 children were in high school our lives became a little more our own. We had more time for just the two of us and began to spend more time with each other as the kids were spending more time becoming independent and their own persons. And actually we to were doing the same, as we were so young when family life for us had begone, that we never really got to do all the fun stuff that a young person got to do. That is were it all the wrong stuff began. The bar seen, the gambling boats, the all nighters etc... The wrong crowd found us as we were naive to its draw. And then the drugs, my stupidity! I was going to turn 40 and for my birthday I told my husband, " I wanted to do something fun, wild and crazy, with him, something I (we) had never done before." I told him, "I wanted to try that cocaine stuff every one was always doing at the bars and parties, I wanted to try it with him. Just the two of us." I had heard it was great for SEX and I wanted to see if it was true all the things every one was saying about the stuff. Well he got it for us and it was everything everyone was saying and then some. Only I didn't find out until later that it was Meth not Coke, By then I (we) didn't really care. It was already becoming a week-end treat for us.And it didn't take long before we were getting it on Monday to help us past the long week-ends we were having and then before we know it we were wanting it everyday and then needing it everyday was right around the corner. And last before we could even have seen it coming it was 5 years later and we along with our youngest child of 20 at the time were all so addicted all we did was get high day and night. By the end we lost our jobs, my husbands of 30 years and mine of 10 years and then our Home of 20+ years and every thing we owned adventurely. As when we lost the house everything went into storage units and was auctioned off to the public later when we were homeless on the street and couldn't pay the dues on it. Everything was gone, our whole lives. At the time it was the hugest loss that I had ever felt in my life. But looking back on it now, there only a few un-replaceable things that I actually miss, the photo albums, my Mothers handmade blankets she made for each of the kids when they were born, the flag and mettles in the glass case that my husband was give at his fathers funeral, our marriage lessons, our wedding rings. All the rest doesn't even mean that much. Especial now 2 and a 1/2 years later after starting all over again, beginning the first days clean in another state were we ran with a few dollars that we decided Not to spend on Meth, to rather run like Hell instead. As we lived in our van, homeless for the first weeks with our daughter and our baby grandson, it was worse than losing the house, worse than anything that could have possible have happened to us. So, I thought at the time. But I realized as time when on and things little by little got better each day, that the one thing we didn't loss or the worse thing that didn't happen, That if we had stayed were we were and never had ran when we did, WAS US, we were still all together and still are today. In the worste of days I had thought we lost everything, but in looking at it now I know and believe we were so lucky because we saved the most important thing from loss of all, US! And that is why I chose my name like a bedtime story of "ONCE APON A TIME" because today we are living happily ever after. It still has its struggles and challenges every day, but we work hard at it to make it work. Just wanted you all to know me a little as I have read quite a bit of you all for the past few weeks. In closing thank you for reading and sorry about the spelling, but most of all THANKS for all the Great words from each of you. Each of you share each day!
Hey there, not sure how this has come about really, me writing you, but here goes. I came across your site by accident. See how things can be sometimes? I am guessing you are the person with the brother on meth and the owner of this site. You can call me Lis. I live in California now. For over 6 yrs. South Florida b4 that and that was for 10 yrs. From 25-35 yrs old. But my drug problems or whatever you call them.... they started 20 yrs back. By the way, I havent touched Cocaine since 2005. To this day, I do not know exactly how I am still off that poison. It ran my f--------n life from 17, 18 yrs old till I was 34.
I started smoking freebase because my older brother sold it. And I had more connections that needed for so long. Now, I happen to be a pretty woman and back then... well, you must ask for it in a sense. People just attract to each other that are on that shit. About your brother for a moment, not sur if your in California or not....but in San Diego...,man, people are tore up from the floor up on that shit. I never liked Meth. Tried it a 1/2 a dozen times. Each time it was weirder and weirder. The paranoid feelings, can't sleep, you are too intense with your way of talking to people and you act like a retard. My suggestion to you is; make some calls and get him in detox. Then inpatient, for no less than 90 days. It always depends how long someone is abusing for as well. Now, if he doesnt admit he is messing up, he wont give it any effort. You have to want it they say. I was beating myself up ( in a matter of words ) and running the streets for so long. Does he work? Does he have family in another state to get away after treatment and live with? When the dealers are in your hometown, you cannot stop. All it takes is an argument with someone........... and you wanna use. Or your bored. It really has to take it's toll on you I believe for you to go to yourself>>>> I NEED HELP.
For me, I had to move 3000 miles away. Or I would of been dead. The places you end up when your high....the peoples homes....forget jail for a minute.... you are not safe when you party with those types of people. Running with the devil.....it will catch up. So, without telling you my life story...at least for now.... I found your site after going to the movies last nt. Came home and wondered...what the f*#k is wrong with me? I been off hard drugs for yrs and I am a mess. All kinds of past memories that haunt, blah blah....It sux. I hope your bro gets help. Before he's gone.
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