KCI The Anti_Meth Site

When an adult meth addict has a child taken away

Northapt	When an adult meth addict has a child taken away I wanted to thank everyone who's given me all the great feedback so far. I'm still trying to understand the crazy grip this drug has on my daughter. To get a glimpse inside her mind as scary as that might be. My daughter has been through treatment twice and relapsed about 6 months ago (I'm guessing from when I began to see the weight loss ) She gave birth to my granddaughter over a year ago and was clean then. I told her when the baby was born, if she went back out, I wouldn't let the child be in danger. She did and I kept my promise and phoned CPS when I was sure of a relapse and she refused to get help. I thought it was important that someone in her life keep their promises and now I know the baby is safe at least. I knew also when her mom (my ex) and two half-sisters show up around her that she was using. All 3 have used for years and I suspect this is a huge relapse trigger for her. She so far hasn't been able to write off her "family" and so when in Rome.... (I am the only member of her immediate family that has never used drugs) CPS (Child protective service) commented to me that they know she loves her daughter. She even sent clothes and food to the foster mom, something they seldom see. But her level of functioning is so bad that she forgets when her visits are or shows up so late she is turned away. She refuses to go back to treatment (so far) and asked me to support her in efforts to get clean by going to meetings only. I'm not going to be so native and told her not to come over or call me until she's ready to go back to treatment. CPS noticed that she's so paranoid she told them that she KNOWS they are following her around in a truck.!! What I can't understand is that the instinct to parent is so primal. so basic, how can this drug over-come a mothers love? I'm guessing she is in so much pain over all of this, she is just staying high as much as she can, as often as she can.. but I'm guessing. Thank you all for your loving and seasoned comments. (A puzzled Father)
Replies...
notold ash	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away IMO there's no way for us normies to understand or relate to the why's. I know I can't. I quit asking why and just try to accept it as it is. That's hard enough to do for me. I'd do anything for my children. I'd battle Goliath just to keep them safe and healthy. There's no way in hell I'd ever do drugs and risk losing my children. I can't relate to those that do... but I do have compassion for them... they just don't know what they're missing.
luve piphany	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away I'm sorry your life is so filled with addicts...it must be so very tiring for you. Meth is so very puzzling-defying all logic and love both. A mother's love seems to me to be THEE one thing that surpasses any evil, but here you will find the stories that show that is not true... I love an addict that told me in the wee hours of the morn that he would rather die with a flesh eating bacteria, be rolled into the ditch by his fellow addicts and forgotten than get treatment and perhaps get a lessened prison time. He is refusing treatment even after being in the hospital for 5 days over Christmas with his family praying and supporting him through it all...he would rather die and be remembered as a drug addict who didn't care about his family...than give up the drug. That just showed me the ultimate power of meth. But! I stand firm in my belief that there are MIRACLES and I see them here everyday! I also believe that the addicts we know and love do have their own loving Higher Power/God that is watching over them and will be there when and if they look to Him. I use the tools I have found in Alanon and Naranon to strengthen me and the people here fill me up when I run close to empty. Helping those who want help prepares us and heals us for when those closest to us need us we will be ready. Keep the faith that Goodness and Love do overpower meth starting in us!
girlGone Mild69	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away To me, this song comes the closest to how it feels to have a child taken away. *Quote:* She Talks to Angels She never mentions the word addiction In certain company Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan After you meet her family She paints her eyes as black as night, now Pulls those shades down tight Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes, The pain's gonna make everything alright Says she talks to angels, They call her out by her name Oh yeah, she talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket She wears a cross around her neck Yes, the hair is from a little boy And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet Says she talks to angels, Says they all know her name Oh yeah, she talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name She don't know no lover, None that I ever seen Yeah, to her that ain't nothing But to me, yeah me, It means everything She paints her eyes as black as night now She pulls those shades down tight Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes, The pain's gonna make everything alright, alright yeah She talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name Oh yeah-eah-eah, angels Call her out by her name Oh-ooh-oh-oh angels They call her out by her name Oh-oh, she talks to angels They call her out Yeah-eah-eah, they call her out Don't you know that they call her out by her name? I, too, have lost custody of my child. He--soon to be 11--was 2 at the time. I feel your daughter's pain. What's important for me to remember is that I am still a Mommy, and that I have to build a life that I can be proud of when he comes to find me, and that means I must have sobriety and serenity. If/when I make something out of myself and he sees me he'll likely think, "She made a horrible mistake when I was young, but that doesn't define who she is. She is a good person now, worthy of being loved." Although it has happened nearly a decade ago, the pain is still so fresh that sometimes I do not want to live. But suicide is such a selfish gesture, and I owe my son (and my father) more than that. I wouldn't want them to blame themselves or have a bunch of unanswered questions. I think the pain is so fresh because i had been escaping reality via drugs for so long that I'm only relatively recently learning to cope with the full brunt of the devastation. I take comfort in knowing that he's being well provided for and that his foster/now adoptive parents will not poison his mind against me. I wish you, your child, and granddaughter the best. P.s. I'll share the top hurtful comments I've heard: #1) "You can always have another one." #2) "Even animals can protect their young." #3) "Some people aren't fit to raise a garden, let alone a child." Hopefully, you or anybody else will never say such things to your daughter... especially #1 if/when she gets clean.
jes78	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away after my daughter was taken, all i did was want to get high. when i was sober, i kept picturing the worker taking her and her crying. it was the most terrible experience of my life. everyone was so disappointed that i couldn't just stay clean for the baby. i did a few times, but relapsed after my first yr and then again. i couldn't stay clean because i wasn't doing it for me. i had to get clean for me and me alone. in doing that i would get my child back, so in a way i got clean so i could experience being a mom. i finally have her back. she's 3 yrs old and the love of my life. don't give up. if i can do it, she can too. trust me, no one thought i would have my child back, and i do. and I'm sure she is trying to numb that feeling away. losing a child is hard.
NoMore 4Me	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away Sorry to hear about your daughter and grandchild. It's so difficult being supportive and not allow ill behaviors to become overbearing. Addiction sucks. Hopefully she'll stop and realize the precious time she's is missing out with her daughter to spend time being high. My prayers go out to you and yours. Much peace
Loraura	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away Meth abuse = self-induced mental illness. When it seems impossible to fathom the behavior of an active addict, try to remember that they are functioning with current brain damage from what happens inside the brain when meth is used. *Quote:* asked me to support her in efforts to get clean by going to meetings only. You know, lots of people DO get clean and stay clean by using recovery meetings only. I would not write this off, and if she asks again, I would JUMP at the chance to take her any time she asks. Even if she doesn't ask again, make the offer.
North apt	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away She's been going to meetings and all her UAs have been dirty. She often chooses meeting halls that are questionable at best. I have to also keep in mind that she is so gravely disabled by her addiction, she often doesn't know what day it is and is very paranoid. Her environment is polluted with people who use and people who come over to buy dope. I feel inpatient is her best bet now.
Loraura	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away Sometimes going to meetings takes a while for some recovery to sink in. Expecting her to be clean just because she's gone to a few meetings is an expectation that will likely let you down. In fact, any expectations you have, will likely just hurt you. Letting go of YOUR expectations will save you a lot of heartache. Even if, for just that one hour, she is in a meeting, she is not using. She is surrounded by people who have been where she is, and are finding their way out of it. It may take 10, 20, 100 or more meetings for her to hear what she needs to hear to "get it". Some people are sicker than others. Some people need months of hearing recovery from others before it starts to take hold. I wouldn't give up on the meetings. One of the meetings I attend, I generally switch cars with my husband before I go so that our new car isn't at risk of being stolen or vandalized. It's not a nice part of town. But it's a damn good meeting with a lot of recovery.
NoMore 4Me	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away Maybe she needs to be committed. My sister got pretty bad once and my mom and brothers had her committed. I wasn't in agreement with it at the time. She did need help. She stills drinks, not as much. Anyway, I'm just saying if she's really that bad. Hope things find a way of working out. Peace,
free atlast 61972	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away First of all, let me say that my heart goes out to you, your daughter and your granddaughter. I will keep you all in my prayers. I've been an addict since I was 16 years old and I am now 34. Meth completely destroyed me and my mind and took all I ever had. I too lost my 3 children nearly 3 1/2 years ago. When I continued to use, contact between us was cut out entirely 2 1/2 years ago. Don't lose faith though. Just recently, after 21 months of sobriety, my contact was reinstated and I got to spend Christmas with all three of my nearly grown children (12, 13, & 16 yr. olds). It was so wonderful, but also heartbreaking to see how much time I have missed in their lives. You said: What I can't understand is that the instinct to parent is so primal. so basic, how can this drug over-come a mothers love? I'm guessing she is in so much pain over all of this, she is just staying high as much as she can, as often as she can. but I'm guessing. Meth is powerful. Don't doubt that. But...I never stopped loving or forgot about my children. I know that is hard to believe if you haven't been there. I know my children have had a hard time believing that, but it's true. We don't stop loving them. We stop loving us. We stop loving life. We give complete control over to the only peace that we feel in our messed up way of thinking. Please, don't ever make your granddaughter feel as though her mommy doesn't love her or miss her. Let her know that she is sick, sick, sick. When she is better, you can bet that that baby girl is going to be the first person she works to prove herself to. I wish you all the best. Let me know if there is any way that I can help you.
dells	Re: When an adult meth addict has a child taken away I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am also the parent of an addict, and I have legal custody of my precious granddaughter. As far as I know my daughter started using at about age 19(1999), was clean during pregnancy(2002), started using again when baby was 5 mos old (2003). I tried never to demean her, nor verbally abuse her, tried not to react to her verbal drama & rage, always took the opportunity to let her know that when she was ready to change her life, I would be there for her. Finally in Aug 2005, she was attacked by her dealer & it proved to be her "bottom", I was the person she called. As God would have it, a friend here at KCI had given me numbers for recovery houses just 3 days prior!! One of those numbers proved to be our guardian angel, she came & picked up my daughter that next morning. Daughter stayed at the recovery home for 7 months (I refused to let her come to my home). She now has a job, lives with me & precious little one, will celebrate 18 mos clean Jan 28! She tells me she had tried several times to quit, but lost the battle each time. She says that thinking of not being with her child would throw her deeper into her addiction. NA meetings have been so instrumental in her recovery, I would strongly encourage you to go with your daughter to meetings if she asks. Little granddaughter & I go to meetings with my daughter occasionally, I hear all the time how it has taken sometimes #'s of meetings before they "work". When our children are using it is so hard to get through to them that we do still love them, but ohhhhh so important! Try not to give up on her, keep close with that precious grandchild, ..... pray, for all of you.