"I love him" - How do I forget him?

I read on another post to kimnova you post then just forget him...How do you do it? It has been gosh about a month 1/2 and the last three days have been hell on me...He is all I think about...My mind keep going back to him all day.. I know what he is doing actively using,and now some dealing since I kicked him out. I see his son who I love would not want to change that.. But then I long to see him. Then I get upset why has he not at least checked on him not me but him.. I know he has not changed if anything gotten worse...But something keeps pulling at my heart...Maybe I am just upset because I know what he is doing the old me wanting to save him... It hurts so bad that he has not called, saw his son, or even cared about any of us...I know I kicked him out but DAMN...does he think I don't love him don't care about him. How could he just walk away without saying a word to us.. Me, my son and his son...Just walked away.. I know I kicked him out but he know if was not because I did not love him..He know this.. Maybe this is his punishment to me...I hear just about everything he is doing from mutual friends...But I guess what hurts the most is that I still hurt for him and he seem to just have moved on without thinking about us...Why do I still love him? Why do I still care? How do you forget? I want to save him but I can't...Plus I guess what hurts the most did he ever really love and care about us or was it just a front....How do you forget them? How?

You project your own feelings on to him. You keep thinking that if it was you out there that you'd do those things (call, check in). But you're not addicted to meth. He is.

Is that what you think love is? One person trampling on another and the other one willing to be trampled on to show how much they love the other? That's not love. It doesn't stop you from caring about him though, I'm sure. He can do all those things because his need for the drug outweighs everything else. If you're not helping, you're an obstacle. The feeling of helplessness is a hard one to overcome. You may have kicked him out physically but it sounds like you're still holding on, trying to control things. Let it go. Stop asking mutual friends what he's doing or trying to get info. Concentrate on yourself and your life and the kids. You have to really, really let go.

Kimnovia was saying how she forgot this and that about the man she loved. If it is so easy to forget all the horrible truths, why can't it be as easy to forget him? I got past my two divorces by moving on with my life. I worked, went to school, had friends to do things with, family to keep me busy. I just moved on. A lot of it for me was forgiving. Once I was able to forgive them for causing me pain, I began to forget them. Time really does change everything. Once you gain some self esteem and realize that you are worth more than what you have settled for, you move on. Once you begin to love yourself as much as you think you love them, you move on. Once you see that you do not neeed another person to complete you, you move on. This is how I did it. Everyone is different. It is a grieving process. Everybody heals at different rates. Time does ease the pain and help you forget. I did not have children as a constant reminder of the pain. Maybe that is what is different about me. I hope you can all find closure with these harmful relationships. The other person obviously has. Life is too short to be so consumed with another person. You are the only one you can change and control. Live life as it is intended. Be happy. Forgive and forget.

Quote:

How could he just walk away without saying a word to us.. Me, my son and his son

He can

Because he is

An addict

Passion

I think XOutlaw said it very well.

Quote:

A lot of it for me was forgiving. Once I was able to forgive them for causing me pain, I began to forget them. Time really does change everything.

My ex was not a meth user but a nutcase (I could go into more detail, but...) Anyway, I had a lot of resentments towards her for how I was treated. Even my lawyer was appalled and said that one day she will come back and apologize. Well it did take my ex ten years before she came back and apologized.

However, it almost took me that long to forgive her and to let go the things that happened during our marriage.

Resentments are just poison, and who needs that. Make your life about moving forward... and making things better for yourself and those around you. (I know easier said than done.)

No that is not what I think love is.. That is why it hurts..I loved him but I feel he never loved me. I did not trample on his feeling. He may have done that to me but I loved him, try to respect him, gave to him, talked to him about his feeling, addiction and took care of his son everything to try to show it...Guess that was stupid on my part...You are right I do believe that I have physically kicked him out but I do believe I am still holding on.. Concentrating on myself and the kids...I try but it is the down time..When they are asleep, alone time, at work on the computer nothing but time to think....It is hard to really let go...Guess I have more work than I thought....Thanks for posting to me..

Oh I have forgiven him. That is just it...I forgive to easy...I am moving on physically...I work, take care of my son, see his son, go out to eat, movies, spending time with friends and family. I always find something to relate to him. Self esteem I have none...Plain and simple...NONE... Sad but I don't know how to love myself..I know I am worth better much better. But I have to tell my mind that.. Man I am very stubborn.. I guess I do feel I need another person to complete me...But I don't know how to get over that...I am independant financially, physically but emotionally I am very dependant on others...Like you said I hope time does help with all of these...I am a slow learner....Thanks for replying to me...T

Sometime people need to learn how to love themselves first, to be able to accept and understand that someone else loves them. Then to be able to return that love is another thing.

If you loved him and he never loved you back. He was probably not worthy (or not ready or able to receive) the level and amount of love that you gave him.

Sometimes loving a person is accepting them for who they are, and through experiencing a non-codependent type of relationship people feel free to grow and become the best that they can be.

Perhaps just trying to look after yourself and your children is where your emotional energy should be spent. Then when you are feeling strong enough start reaching out again.

If this is not helping or does not make sense please ignore it, and just do what you should do any way. Trust your heart - the quiet voice (not the loud one).

Ok...But just because he is an addict does not mean he does not have feelings right? I know he is high majority of the time. But damn do addicts not feel bad for what they have done. I know this has been asked a hundrend times or more.. Do they not look back at all...Just forget about them and move on huh....I know the drugs help him forget but...His son of all he can do all the dope he can find but that image will never go away....I just don't understand I just don't...Guess I will keep reading and trying to get a grip on it all....

TH, have you tried journaling? Also writing letters and never sending them. I felt that this got alot of my chest and didn't cause any trouble because no one else ever read them.

Maybe research and learn about codependency. Maybe that will help shift your thoughts. Learn to be concerned with yourself and him.

AND maybe time is what you need. I don't know. There are different ways to go. You just have to shop around and figure out what fits you.

Wow what a great surprise...Thanks so much for relying..Meant alot to me..Amazing it all made sense to me..

Yep I always seem to choose someone who is an alcholic, drug addict or just a plain nutcase myself...So I know it is me seeking out them or maybe they see that I am one that accept this type of abuse.

I feel I have forgiven him. But maybe I need to look at that again..True forgiveness maybe I am just masking my feelings. But majority of my thoughts are that he did this because of his addiction...It is not him...That kind of thought process..

I do need to learn to love myself I know this. Well I don't know if he truly loved me...He said it, sometime acted like he did, but I do agree with all my heart he was not ready or able to receive the level of love I gave him. He never had that I know this...He told me so.. I love him but I know in my heart it is unhealthy type of love. I don't want to continue this cycle...I want to change...But how to do it if the big question..

Loving a person is accepting them for who they are. I agree guess I have always found someone tried to help them, change them but love them in my way. I don't think I have ever had a non-codependent relationship ever. I am the giver they are the takers...I think I would fall over if I actually had someone do something for me without getting something else in return..

Thanks so much...I agree about taking care of me and the boys...It is just hard taking care of myself and not others...Just very hard...Sound weriod saying it. That should be the first person on our list is ourselves. But my list I am at the very very bottom... Thanks for the nice response you gave me it was very helpful....T

T,
When I was using ... I popped in and out of peoples lives on my own time and terms ... (touching base with them ... for me was an in my face view of the hurt and pain I was causing them by my lifestyle and they both represented my irresponsiblity to my child and to my mother) I knew why I wasn't in their lives and I knew that my mom didn't agree with my lifestyle (and deep down I knew I was wrong) but you see I didn't live out what I knew .. I lived out my addiction ... For me ... I didn't spend much time looking back ... because I was to busy looking at feeding my addiction ... It is not that I didn't care (It was that I couldn't) It is hard to care about anything or anyone when all you can think about is getting high ... I didn't keep track of time ... (time was not important to me) I didn't realize how much time elasped before each time I touched base with my mom ... BUT SHE KNEW ... and she would say stuff like ... I haven't heard from you in 3 months ... You wouldn't know if I was alive or dead .. I could die and you'd never know ... "I hated those remarks" or she would say ... We'll we haven't heard from you in months ... You just seemed to drop off the face of the earth ... (I felt like she was trying to make me feel bad) Feeling bad wasn't something I did very well ... and everytime I felt bad .. it was used as another excuse to get high ... When I was high I didn't feel bad anymore .. getting high took it all away ... I was able to run and hide from life with drugs ...

I didn't like being around people that didn't use ... because that would mean I would have to try to maintain ... I didn't want to maintain ... so I didn't hang with people that didn't use ...

I did look back from time to time ... I felt bad at times ... the good person that I could be was locked away and imprisoned to my addiction ... she had been snuffed out .. the addiction ruled and reigned ... and it was my job to supply the demand.

Passion

Man i cant beleive i have to try and type this whole thing over! arrhhh i probably wrote a whole book to you Tenderheart.... and told you i was gonna meet you for coffee and everything

well now i gotta go have a smoke cause i gotta regroup my thoughts again....but i will be back when i can sound like i have a clue....

Tender Heart,

You sound exactly like me, stubborn we are, we're gonna fixem no matter what. Till the truth so blantly hits us in the face we can no longer deny it.

I am also moving on past a reltionship with a man addicted to meth. It has been 5 months, time does make it better, it really does, I also had a hard time doing anything without thinking of him, we were together 19 years so everywhere I went there seemed to be a memory (He was clean for 3 years prior to relapsing again, so it has been really hard).

I have surrounded myself with strong women that have been through this, their advice, don't look back, move forward, we have to be as stubborn about that as we are about dwelling on him, when I feel myself sinking into thinking about him, just say STOP, and have trained my mind to move on to something else (sounds like an addict, hmmmmm). Life is precious, I try and re that, I gave 19 years trying to fix him, I don't want to give him a second more, he made his choice.

I also allot myself time to cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself and wallow listening to sad music, but I move on as quickly as possible. Now I am feeling less and less a need to do this.

If I may make a suggestion, when alone and I start feeling my "stinkn thinkin" coming on I read, yes, I am the queen of self-help books, but they really do make me feel better.

I especially like this one, "HOw to break you addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern.

Good Luck

Tenderheart, addicts don't live in reality. Their minds are full of justifying reasons for their behaviors that make them seem normal or justified. Therefore, they don't have what you or I would consider real feelings. The drug also affects this. Don't spend too much time thinking about how sorry he is going to be someday, and dreaming of the day that he'll feel sorry for what he's done.

Tenderheart your words have really touched me today. I am right there with you. I feel exactly the same way and ask all the same questions you are asking. I, too, have no self esteem (mainly because my addict has taken it from me). I just wanted you to know that I am a kindred soul to you and I'm thinking of you.

This is just what I needed to see - what a great post, and the responses - WOW! Kudos to you.

How do I copy all these threads (?) to put in a post of my own??

Stay strong 77. Passion, you give an incredible insight here. Deadwood1 - you are an inspiration.

I am having a hard time forgetting my hubby of 10 years.I have good days and bad but I am staying strong.He came over and brought flowers one day and got on his knees and cried and begged me to give him one more chance.I stood my ground and never looked him in the eye, never hugged him back just stood there and as soon as I went inside I started crying my heart out.It was so hard to stand there and hurt him that way, the same way I have felt many times in the past.I just told him I didn't love him anymore.He is an alcoholic and very emotionally and verbally abusive.We have 2 kids together ages 9 and 22 months.Its is so hard trying to forget someone that has been a part of your life for so long.I know in the end me and the kids will be much better off and time heals all wounds.I try and stay busy alot and don't just sit around and think so much.I try to remmeber the things he did that hurt me and it seems all I can re are the good times.I have been away from him for a month this time and am trying to get a divorce but Legal Aid cant help me and I am not working right now. I must stay strong for me and the kids but some days all I can do is cry.Will this pain ever stop? Will I ever be happy? Sure I will but it wont happen overnight. Forgetting him wont happen overnight either but someday I will look back and all this will be a distant memory. I think it just takes time and going through this stage of hurting is very normal(painful but normal)Just something I am going to have to work through to get to a better life.
myboys

Tender,

Reading through all of the replies to your post helped me a lot this morning. It's been 15 months since my kids' dad and I split after 8 years and most days are a struggle. But, we looked at our picture albums last night and for the first time, I did not cry. I will never forget but have promised myself to re the happier times more often and to learn from the horrible times. I have also learned to let my anger out, sometimes constructively and sometimes not, but I stopped keeping it in. It is hard to be a single mom but even harder to be in a relationship and still be alone.

mjb

You guys will never know how much all the replies mean to me. It helps it really does.. Plus I am so grateful it has help other also...I know I am not alone in all of this and having these feelings are normal...Today I have thought of him but did not cry and feel the desire to go track him down and bring him back home. I know I am doing the right thing hard as it is and it is hard.. I miss him.. Does he miss us I doubt it not right now.

MJBAJK you are so right about it being hard being a single mom...But got me to thinking I was alone even when he was there...Very alone. I re crying, not being able to sleep, and worried about him even then when he was right there..Now I don't have to see what he is doing. But I cry less and less... I going to allow myself time to heal...This to shall pass.. I was justin a slump and needed my friends here to just listen and give some words of hope to me.. Which you guys did..Thanks so much it really helps.. Much love to you all....T

I feel that I have been right were you are. “Why and How,” are the questions that will keep you hanging on. You can’t wonder about what you can’t change. You have to accept the fact that it doesn’t matter how or why. I thought I would never be able to let go of my X, we have two children together and I just couldn’t understand how he could choose dope over his family, now I understand it doesn’t matter how, the fact is he did, and even if I had all of my questions answered it wouldn’t change what has already been done. You have to see it for what it is, not what you want it to be.