My husband wants to go to church, I don't - Help!

First before I go further, I just want to say
this is in no way a personal attack on anyone's faith.

I need help.

The situation- after months of being my husband's being clean and my praying for my husband's recovery, he has opened up to me.
He has said he is missing something he hasn't found with drugs or alcohol - he would like to go to church.

The dilemma-
There is no way he would ever go without me by his side-
and I don't do church.

I am uncomfortable in churches. If for any reason my mind should wander, I inevitably get emotional - I don't like fake smiles, I don't like strangers hugging me - I don't like sharing what to me is personal.

My spirituality is personal- my garden is my church- I am happy there. I don't like social.

At the same time, I realize my husband does need this. He is social and he NEEDS something to believe in.
He is right - he is missing something and it isn't in a baggie or a bottle.

I don't like people. I don't like hugs. I don't like preaching.
None of it.
I just like the music and the stained glass windows.

So help.
How do I get comfortable there so that he can be comfortable there?
How do I keep my opinions to myself?
How do I fake religion when I am spiritual?

Well, ask yourself this -- would you have faked a smile, accepted a hug, and listened to a speech if it meant your husband would get clean and stay clean?

I bet the answer would have been yes.

So don't put so much stock into here you're going and what's occurring. Just go because you want to help your husband stay clean. You don't have to pray, you don't have to hug, you don't have to chat. Just be by his side. You can then return home to your garden and give thanks for another day where he doesn't look for a baggie or a bottle to fill a void.

Re: Help with church question

Hi, years ago I needed to go to church in the worst way, as for my husband, no-way! It was a very scary thought to go by myself, I eventually did, but I had two daughters to take with me. Do you have children? Would that be an option? He wouldn't be alone. Or maybe he already knows someone else that goes and he could go along with them.

I don't know how you can get comfortable or change your feelings about going with him that fast. You might encourage him to get out there and maybe at some later date you might like to try it. Going to church is a real tough one.

I wish you the best!

My eldest son and my daughter both are very much involved with church and church related activities- and we have had "discussions" already.We just agree to disagree.

I can't fake it with my husband Loraura- not anymore.He knows me too well.I could fake the smiles and niceness in the beginning days of clean time because it had been 2 years since he had seen me or I him.
I can't now-neither can he.

I have to find a way to get through this-there is no other choice.

We have a young son who will be going with us. The others are over 18 so that is their choice.

I too felt the same way you do. I still do to an extent. I found a small community church with only 23 s. They mostly all are my neighbors. I felt like I "fit" there. I had attended a large, impersonal church growing up. I felt like the ladies were there to impress each other with their outfits. I did not feel I fit there. I wear blue jeans to church. The men come in overalls. It is a comfortable place to be.

ok I hope I say this right...I sometime feel uncomfortable in church...but usually it is when I have not gone for a long long time. I feel people are looking at me judging me... Like who is that never seen her before...I am a  of this church have been for 10 years..But don't always go... But my son loves I mean loves church.. Probably because of the same things you like...The music and the stained glass windows... Lots of color and music..He relates to music.. Anyway he can't sit for very long so maybe it is just a matter of finding the right church. I found one that loves music...They have a hour service..The music last about 30 minutes, and then the service...So that works out great for us....Plus they have a separate room with a T.V. showing the service away from the others...I think mainly for children that start to act up so the parents don't miss the service. But hey you could maybe find one that has that then you could just stay in that room away from everyone else...Or come in just a few minutes late you avoid all the hugs and talking before hand...Then sneak out afterwards... If you husband needs that let him stay and visit you go to the car.. Not much you could do about the preaching but get ear plugs.. The comfort level I think would come just in going and getting to see the same faces over and over...Who knows maybe then you would want to meet them...

After a while your husband might enjoy it so much he won't need you by his side to go... I don't think you should keep your opinions to yourself but maybe soften it a little to him. Tell him you are willing to work on it. But these are the things you are uncomfortable with. I know he will understand and try to help you also...

Much Love, T

Quote:

I can't fake it with my husband Loraura-

You don't have to fake it with your husband. Would it matter if he knew you were only going to be supportive of him? It's only like an hour a week, right? You can make it through an hour a week FOR HIM.

No one says you have to like it, get anything out of it, or pretend it's fabulous. Just go. For him. That's what marriage is about sometimes -- compromise.

Use the time to meditate, make a mental to do list, think about anything you want to.

If he told you that it would help him stay clean if you could stand on one foot like a flamingo for an hour a week. You'd do it, right? Change the way YOU think abuot going to church. It doesn't have to be the method you use for communication with your higher power, if you even believe in one. It just needs to be 1 hour a week of supporting your husband in his effort to stay clean.

If it were me, I'd stand on my head for an hour a week if it helped.

You'd go with him to a therapy session even if you weren't the one gettnig anything out of it directly, right? Well, think of this as his therapy session. Be there for moral support. A hug from a stranger won't kill ya. And the more you go, the more people will recognize you and settle down to a wave and a "hi".

I would, at the very least, give it a few months of trying it. 3 months maybe. 12 hours. It's not really a lot to ask when you look at it that way. Use the time to get closer to your husband and children. Holding their hands is a good thing! Sitting quietly together is comforting. Feeling like a family is contagious.

Start by telling yourself that church is not bad, you can feel comfortable, the people will make you feel welcome. Then think of it as an adventure. Try a different church every week until one meets with your expectations, will give you both what you need.

I go to a very small church where everyone is like familiy. I can leave the garden covered in dirt and go to church and not feel like they are talking about me behind my back.

We play at church, we eat there, we even go on outings. There is more to church than just listening to a preacher.

I never liked social either. It's one of the things that attributes to my anxieties. I'm working to overcome it one step at a time.

I think you can eventually be comfortable in church. I do belive it will help his recovery as well as your's. I believe it can help you as a couple.

KY:
You are very much like I am in this regard. I do not do organized religion, period. I am a most spiritual person, and have a very personal relationship with my God, but that's nobody's business but mine. Like you, my garden is my church, most definitely!

Sometimes, however, we have to do things that make us feel a little or alot uncomfortable, because they are the the right thing to do.

Never fake it. You can even tell anyone who thinks it's their business that you are simply here to support your husband. Period. Or, you can tell them nothing at all. It's really nobody's business, though. Take a good book. Read up on your gardening, or whatever it is that interests you.

I agree with Loraura: it's only an hour a week. I know you can find it in your heart to make that small sacrifice for the greater good.

Love,
Lori

Ann, I can do backwoods hillbilly bible thumping and singing to high heavens- overalls, that's me- I can do a good soulful Black church; Love that soul music.
I sure hope my husband doesn't stick me in a big cold all for looks place.
And I sure hope I don't get the speaking in tongues.
No offense really - I'm just one of those that if God ever has something to tell me, He says it very loud and clear- like that time I was living up on the hill doing my rain dance and daring him to come get me-
about that time a lightning bolt struck not too far from where I was dancing....
I got up on the porch and stayed like a good little girl
I understand perfectly what my God has to say.
I hear Him best in quiet places.
I am spiritual, it is personal - it doesn't get more personal to me than that.
If I am uncomfortable, my husband will feel it.
So I sure hope we can find a church we can both live with.
Wish me luck- I am going to need it.

I do wish you the best in this and all you do. Talk to your hubby about this. I know you probably already have. To me there is no better than the small group. No one is there to impress others or put on airs. I am basically a loner type, and I fit in. Good luck Theresa!! Let me know how it works out.

P.S. Did you read my post about silence on Suzie's site? Check it out.

When you can, go to the Zen room. It is posted under Philosophy, Religion, and Spiritual Awakenings. It is called "Silence....Listening to our God". It explains how I feel about it all. I think you will be able to relate to it.

I always afraid that any church I step foot into is going to start burning... LOL ... I don't do churches either. I go with my in laws about every 4 years or so, and I have trouble with the whole procedure. I smile and play along, but it just isn't for me. My "Church" is out in the woods, sitting on a rock somewhere.

I would focus on the things that you like about church. You said you liked the stained glass windows. Why not make them your "thin place" (a place where this reality and the spiritual world connect and you are aware of your HP's presence)? It works for me, maybe it could work for you.

Also, try not to think of going to church as 'the way those church people are with God'. I'm sure there are some people there who also find God in their gardens. I spend time with God in prayer and worship everyday- alone. And on Sunday mornings, I spend an hour in prayer and worship with people in my faith community. Church isn't the only way- it's part of my way.

Abby, addict

T, any church would be blessed to have you in their midst!
What religion may sometimes lack, you could surely help restore with your spirit. I'd be inclined to say go with him until he feels at home in a congregation, to each their own after that. Church "s" are as diverse as those who come to this forum, I'd look for the ones who'll accept you for who you are, bib overalls and all. Hubby is seeking spiritual progress and many amazing recoveries take place in a church environment, if church is his inclination I would encourage him in that direction.
Meth=Sorcery by Steve Box is a stellar example.

Thanks all of you
Ann, I did finally make it into Suz's place - Exactly.
Keep it up and I will swear we are twins

It should be okay. Hubby and I are opposites for sure but neither of us are comfortable in fancy dresses.
He should go for the country church type- I think anyway.

God sure has a wicked sense of humor.
That saying be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.
Well, I prayed for His will to be done not mine- serves me right.
I prayed for Hubby to find the help he needs to get him through this journey.
And I prayed that somewhere he could find what I have found.

I guess I should have been more specific.

Alot of churches are doing the 12 step program? It is called Celebrate Recovery. Might wanna check it out. Awesome Program.

Sit in the back and just chill. You and hubby may need to check into a couple of churches before you find the one thats right for both of you.

If hubby is interested there is also a bible entitled "The Life Recovery Bible". It matches the 12 steps with Scripture.