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Two ex addicts living in one house?


flower
child
80744
Two ex addicts in one house
i have an issue that has been driving me nuts and i just wanted some input. I have been clean for almost 22 months and my boyfriend has about 30 mos (except for 2 little slips that lasted 1 day each about a year ago) we don't live together but he is here every night and wants to get married. I just got my divorce final in January and there is NO WAY i am going down that road again. So he wants to move in, I have 2 problems with this.1 his daughter has issues i am not sure i am ready to handle, and i would have to because he is dependant on a woman to take care of them. (his mom is doing it now) and 2 he is the CI who had me arrested (which led to my sobriety) and i dont know if i have forgiven him..beyond that what kind of chance do either of us have at staying clean together? is anyone here in a relationship with an addict, recoverd or not and an addict themselves? i can see pros and cons to the situation, i guess i am just confused. Thanks for any feedback.
     Replies...
Naiev
Newlywed
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
I can only comment on this:
Quote:
2 he is the CI who had me arrested(which led to my sobriety)and i dont know if i have forgiven him
I called the police on my husband, which he has been incarcerated almost 9 months and has about 8 more to go. The same night I told him it was me, he told me he forgave me. He later thanked me.

Either you can forgive this or you can't.
angie
Ncali
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
My Husband and I used together. It is also because of my husband (then boyfriend) that I went to jail - well I had a part in it - but he is the one who had the police come in and get me - that is another story though.

But lets put all of that aside. By the sounds of it - putting the past drug use aside. It doesnt sound much like your happy with this situation - and if you have all these doubts and questions - why are you two even together ?

My husband and I had a very ROCKY - VIOLENT - time out there together - lots of drugs - we slammed together - it got really ugly and really dark - we both cheated ... he was a very ANGRY MEAN SCARY MAN - he drank and lost his mind - I was a lying - untrustworthy tweaker....

But Today that is not the story. I have about 3 1/2 years clean. He has about a year and a half. Things are better then ever with us now. I am happy - he is happy ..
we married and we have worked through our issues.

Are you In Love ? What is that is holding you together?
flower
child
80744
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
i hear you..i would feel a little better if he had busted me for crank but he busted me for pot and not becouse he loved me but becouse he was mad i dumped him so he decided to not protect me anymore..when i got out of jail 3 days later i ran back into his arms and then found out 5 mos later he was the reason i got busted..it was a mess..I am glad it worked out for you.my best to you and your husband
Tender
heartsKS
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
Quote:
his daughter has issues i am not sure i am ready to handle,and i would have to becouse he is dependant on a woman to take care of them.(his mom is doing it now)
This raised red flags for me right off the bat. How important is your recovery to you? For me, my recovery has to come first and foremost. Bottom line. When I let that slide to the back burner, I start having major problems.

Why do you feel you have to take care of anything for him? If he's already dependent on a woman to take care of his daughter's issues, that should tell you right there he's not taking care of things he needs to himself.

You can make your recovery as simple or as complicated as you want. In my honest opinion, you're asking for a whole lot of trouble in taking this b/f on and his 'baggage'. Just my two cents.

Oh, and when I relapsed back in 90 after 4 years clean time, I was involved with an addict who was in recovery but relapsed himself. It was far too easy to go right down the tubes with him. My life and my recovery are too precious to me today to do that again.
flower
child
80744
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
good question angie, and i wish i knew..part of me loves him..part of me dont want to be alone..but i still love my ex too.and i know thats not fair to him but i have told him how i feel and he refuses to dump me.i have real issues with him being a mommas boy too..i have alot of responsibility and taking on another kid and answering to a man might be more then i can handle right now and i dont think he will help me with the kids or the work that comes with raising a family..i am trying to learn to live sober and support myself and the kids and be happy doing it,but i dont want to loose him if i say no.
angie
Ncali
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
You dont want to loose him if you say No - But your in Love with your ex -

I think the only sensible answer right now would be NO.
The package deal that would come with saying yes doesnt sound like something that you are comfortable with - and it would more then likely create resentment in your toward him/them in the long/short run .... Plus by the sounds of this your not too good at setting and creating boundaries for yourself .... so until you are I think you should continue to work on you and then when the time as right you won't have such a hard time deciding what is best.

there are too many iffy things in this situation ... in my opinion - I would take KS's advice
TnSkye Re: Two ex addicts in one house
Drugs or no drugs, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me and living together would likely be disasterous in more ways than one.
angie
Ncali
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
I didnt mean to sound harsh - Trust me I wasnt too good at setting boundaries for myself ... either. In fact I sucked at it. I have set myself up in many a bad situation -

I think Tnskye Is right.
flower
child
80744
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
Angie..I didnt take it as harsh..mostly cuz your right..i dont set boundriesthe way i should..my therapist recommended a book called"The betrayal Bond"breaking free of exploitive Relationships that addreses this issue very well along with co-dependancy..Its a great book.I highly recomend it to anyone with these issues..and i thank you all for your advice..deep down i think i know your right i just wanted to hear it from someone besides my mother...Moral of the story..listen to your mommas..she told mealong time ago this relationship was toxic..part of me thinks i may be addicted to the drama he has brought into my life now that the drugs arent there to do it..it may be a mess but at least its intresting..moving it into my house is probably not the best thing for my kids though and thats nothing to play with..sooooo..i will tell him tonight..this isnt going to happen..Thanks Guys
notmeth
edup
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and cleaned up together almost 2 1/2 years ago. Unfortunately exactly one year after cleaning up I had to move out on my own with our child because his 13yr old daughter had issues that I could not deal with. For the sake of your recovery I would say that if you don't think you can handle these issues with his daughter don't move in together. My boyfriend has the same problem with letting everyone else deal with the difficult things in his life. I put up with it for four years before finally taking control of my own situation. Unfortunately when things like that only get bandaid solutions for so long they become broken beyond repair before he will realize that things are completely out of control and that could seriously jepordize your recovery. Take it from a 23yr old woman in recovery who was put in the position of raising an out of control teen girl, when things go wrong, it will be the person that has been handling this girl that will be the scapegoat. The stress isn't worth it. My step daughter and I, as well as my boyfriend and I have a much healthier relationship since we stopped living together. Don't put yourself in a postion you can't handle.
purdy
good
girl
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
I have the same sutition, I have been with my boyfriend now for 11 years off and on. We used together, and we got clean together. He is my best friend. We both know that using agin would be the end of us. We give each other strength, and support. Our relationship when we were using was very abusive, and there are times when I wonder how we made it through all that. Now when we look back at the times we were using we ask ourselfs how we could have wasted all those years, and we charish every day. Good luck to you and always remember you come first.Y ou never mention if you are in love with this man????
25 years
but no
more
Re: Two ex addicts in one house
Quote:
I have 2 problems with this.1 his daughter has issues i am not sure i am ready to handle, and i would have to because he is dependant on a woman to take care of them. (his mom is doing it now)
If you are having problems dealing with these things now, they will be 10 times worse if he moves in.
free Re: Two ex addicts in one house
My husband and I are both recovering addicts...we use to get high together and all...among other things...he was very abusive in our active addiction and I was verbally abusive but today we have a great relationship...tho we dont always see I to I especially when it comes to our recovery but he has to wk his program the way he feels fit and I wk mine my way...What ever wks..So it is posible...there are pros to it for me and him cuz when i talk to him abt my feelings of wanting to get high he understands and sometimes he is my wall that stops and makes me take a look as I am for him...we have also wked threw all the bull @#%$ we put each other threw and the stuff I was clinging on to I had to let go and move on from it before we ever got married. it took me sometime to do that but ya know as they say old gruges and resentments will lead us bck to using....

BUT if this guy has a co dependacy problem as it is and does not want to take resposibilty for his own kids or actions then moving in together would not be anything id suggest...For one in my opion you have got some questions going on in your head or insecurities abt the relationship or what has happened in the past..??that you need to deal with before you commit to living together and sounds like he does too...so my suggestion is for you to take step bck, take a look at the whole situation not just at well your an addict hes an addict look long and hard at the whole thing and then make your decision...

This is only my opion good luck and god bless

See also:

Relationships and Meth Topics

Can two meth addicts or recovering meth addicts make it together?


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