Hi, my name is Tammy and I am 39 yrs old and a single mom to a teenage daughter. I am a recovering meth addict and I can proudly say that. I hope any of our stories will touch someone who is an addict to finally just put it down and walk away. My story goes like this. When I was younger I would always frown on anyone using drugs. My cousins were addicted to weed and I would lecture them about using. Well my cousin started using stronger drugs and it had consumed her. She ended up getting clean for a short time and had a son. When her and her boyfriend split up she started using again with her son around. I use to sit and talk to her what it was doing to her life and she had to think about her son. I was the anti-drug person who would sit and lecture my cousins for even smoking weed. Well she did finally try to quit and did good til her mother(my favorite aunt) was diagnosed with level 2 diabetis. She started using again and and so was her boyfriend but they still got married. So the story goes on. The night before she(my aunt) died my cousin was so high and ran out chasing after her husband not caring what was going on with her mother. Well my aunt died the next morning and it killed me. My cousin was high again at her funeral and I pulled her aside after the service and tried to talk her into walking away and stop using. She told me that she can't. She lost her mother and her and her husband were fighting and the drug was her only way to deal with it all. I tried everything I knew in my power to help her for the sake of her son and her life. I told myself and many others that I would NEVER be like that. Depend on any drug to cope with life. Everyone in my family including friends knew I was against drugs. I wouldn't even take a OTC drug unless I REALLY needed it. Boy was I fooled. In 2003, a yr after my aunt's death, I was struggling trying to lose weight and keep up with the busy schedule of work and my daughter's activities that I was so amazed at how a few of my friends were able to not have a care in the world and was dropping weight just like they were shedding clothes off. So that is when I tried for my first time a FOIL. I had already been taking yellow jackets and different other speed diet pills and boy at that time did I love the feeling and rush from the foil we smoked. It didn't take much the first time but losing weight was the reason I had even tried it. For the first 6-7 months I didn't use often but maybe 2 times a wk. Never with my daughter around would I use. Well as time went on the use became more frequent. I started pawning my daughter off on her g'parents or neighbor so I could use. It started to really control my life. I still held my job and the upkeep of everyday life. I didn't think I was harming anyone other than myself. Well my family started noticing a big change in me (weight loss and attitude). I didn't look like your normal meth head. My teeth were still good and my face wasn't broke out and I did care how I looked. I started making friends to even get a free high. I started even snorting, banging, trailing, putting in capsules u name it. My daughter didn't like what I had become and she learned real quick what partial pens meant and foil as well. She would yell at me. BOY IF I COULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE HER HURT AT THAT TIME I wouldn't still used. In Dec 03 it had affected my body and caused my appendix to rupture. My so called friend had broke into my apt and stole my belongings to get money to buy drugs while i laid in hosp. having surgery. I got out of hosp and couldn't handle it and my friend came over and got me high so I wouldn't be worried for the day. Well this heavy use started after my hosp. trip and it is now Jan 04 I really fell on my ass than.Within 4 months i ended up losing my apt b/c i had a small back payment of rent due and was suppose to be in court. Had quit my job and started working in a deli, moved into a hotel, was afraid to report my car stolen b/c my so called friend had stolen my keys and gave it to his friend so the could go get some "ANNIE" and said not to report or I would regret. Couldn't find my car till it was finally found at a car storage lot with lots of money owed for the time it sat in the lot. I didn't have the money to get it out. Well one day my daughter and her grandmother were in a car accident and while she was laying in hosp. I seen the hurt in her eyes when she said she hated me being on drugs. I cried and said that is it. I was with a lousy b/f but he was my ticket to get away and try and get help.This was July 04. So I did just that and left to a place 6 hrs away. Those were the TOUGHEST 4 1/2 months. Well I came bk and stayed with my mother and needless to say my daughters g'parents were taking me to court for custody of my daughter, lost everything I owned in storage b/c they changed ownership and never contacted me for a past 40$ bill so I got hospitalized for nervous breakdown and when I got out I wanted to use. I didn't use when I first got out of the psychiatric hosp for attempted suicide but did have 2 slips within a 6 month period but not enough to keep me awake for days.It was still bad enough b/c I had smoked it, but I didn't get bk hooked again "THANK GOD". I continued to stay clean after those 2 slips for months.Those months now turned into yrs. I had struggled so many times with fighting depression, not being able to find work b/c no car and no jobs were hiring in my small town and they don't have those transit buses like most cities do. I began to get scared at this point.I was afraid I would fall again to start using to cope with all this. It even made it hard when my family, even my cousins I use to lecture began asking me what happened b/c I use to always be so against drugs and lecture them for their use and here I was using myself. I wasn't ready to go bk to my past of the using. Well with that I moved bk to where I had gone when I went to get clean. I started working and began the process of becoming a better person and continue my journey to stay clean.I had only been clean at that point of the move a yr with 2 slips in between. I have been here now almost 2 yrs and have worked, started buying things to furnish a home and got my self confidence bk, and my family's trust.Well my REAL last constant use was July 16, 2004. And am proud of myself.I did become clean without any rehab. I worked hard to stay clean with the LOVE AND SUPPORT from family and friends.It is now March 2008 I have NOT USED AGAIN. I have been clean for almost 4 yrs now.I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.My hard work and determination paid off as well.My daughter's g'parents dropped the custody fight and she is returning bk into my care. I STARTED PRAYING TO GOD FOR STRENGHT TO GET ME THRO THIS. I wanted to give up a few times b/c I felt like why fight to get clean when I don't have my children with me? Well I didn't give up and NOW MY LIFE IS ALMOST COMPLETE. I will be getting my own place and my daughter will be with me.YAH.THAT IS WHEN IT WILL BE COMPLETE. If I can do it so can anyone else. YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE UP. So it does pay to become clean. YOU GET SO MUCH BK THAT U LOST WHEN U GET OFF DRUGS. When your on this drug you don't realize the pain and hurt you are causing to the ones you love. Your like it is ur own life so how can YOU be hurting them. Well their love for you is strong and YOU are just killing yourself with this drug and that is what is hurting them b/c they are watching you die. On the drug you don't see any harm other than u know how bad it is, but ur wrong. It hurts EVERYONE around you. It is a tough road and u will hit many bumps but DON'T GIVE UP. In the end you will have so much more to life than when u were using. JUST BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. If anyone see's someone u love going thro this struggle of getting off drugs PLEASE be there for them in support and let them know you see how great they are trying and are proud of them. To keep up the good work. You have NO idea how much it helps get thro the fight to kick the habit. You just want to keep fighting when you know ppl love you and will be at ur side thro it. If they try and quit and u see them trying please be there, but if they try and have family still turn their backs on them they will probally stop trying thinking why quit if they aren't gonna be there with me thro this. TO THE USERS.THERE IS HOPE. JUST BELIEVE IN PRAYER, LOVE AND SUPPORT. DON'T GIVE UP. WIN THE FIGHT. YOU CAN DO IT IF U JUST BELIEVE. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.
--Tammy

   Hello, my name is Cristal, I stumbled upon this website while I was doing research on meth. The reason I am doing research on meth is because I myself am a meth addict. I am going to start from the very begining.
   growing up my parents were drug addicts, from one extreme to the other, marijauna, alcohol, crack cocaine, and yes finally methamphetamine. I went thru pure hell! I thought i would never touch these drugs after seeing what it did to my family. Boy was i soo wrong. I always hung out with the older more cooler crowd. Ofcourse they always were trying to get me to try new things and for the longest time i just said no. One day for some reason i let a friend talk me into trying meth. Although it took her quite a bit of convincing. I snorted my first line of crank, a rather large one at that. I stayed up for 2 days and i kinda liked it. A few years after that i met the man who i would spend some of the most terrifying years of my life.
   we were perfect for about four months and then it took a huge turn for the worse. I hadn't done any meth since that one time with my girlfriend. I had graduated high school and was looking to go to college. I was working as a cna in a nursing home. Doing very well with myself. Than one day i came home from work and my boyfriend had some friends over and they were hitting the foil once again i gave in. We would stay up for sometimes a week or so at a time. My boyfriend had begun to physically and emotionally abuse me often on a regular basis. Mainly when he was out of dope and was not able to find anymore at the time. There were times that he actually thought he had killed me cause i was unconcious. I never once called the police because he told me he would kill me if i ever did. Yes i absolutely believed him! For awhile i stopped doing meth with him and eventually got tired of sleeping alone and missing out on all of the "fun". So i figured if you can't beat them join them! All of my friends and family with the exception of my 80 yr old grandma was doin it. I let him abuse me for 5 years. Finally he went to jail and i saw it as an escape. I met someone else, got pregnant and well he left me when i was 7 months pregnant. I had the baby, got an apartment and was actually doing very well. Had not touched meth since my ex went to jail. One day there was a knock at my door well there he stood. He began crying and telling me how much he loved me and i fell for it. Everything was good for about 2 months and then we fell back into the meth. And everything just seemed to repeat its self after that including the abuse. When my baby was about 8 months old, we were fighting and i was sitting on the couch playing with the baby he came into the room for no reason began to choke me. All i could think about was my baby is seeng this, no i wont allow her to be tainted. I broke away and tried to run with her still in my arms, he grabbed me and her and threw us across the room. The baby hit her head on the high chair. That nite i became aware that i could not do this to her. I left. I went and stayed with a friend for awhile. Eventually my boyfriend ended right back up in jail. Once again i got on my feet met someone and got pregnant. This man left me during pregnancy as well. (yes i sure know how to pick em!) Well i was doing well, i had the baby, had my own place, hadn't touched any meth! After my ex got out of jail once again he finds me and like a dummy i believe he has actually changed. We just restarted the cycle. This time i suffered broken bones and my self esteem has gone. He never projected the children to anymore violence, thank god. This time not only were we doing it we were selling it. At first he was selling out of my house and it was entirely too much traffic and my concern was losing my children. So then he started going out to meet his"clients" and would stay gone for days, not answering his phone. He would only come home long enough to shower and throw a lil bit of dope my way, i guess to keep me quiet. At this point i had noone, no where to turn. I was lost and depressed. I found out he had been cheating on me with multiple females one of whom being my best friend. I had lost hope and completely given up.i was doing probably a gram or two a day easy. I have always told myself i didn't have a problem. Soon i will realize different! Well finally i had had enough once again and i packed his things and he left. The following night he fell asleep at a carwash and the fbi busted him with 36 grams of meth. Shortly after they were at my door. They came in and searched my home. The only thing found was a little bit of marijauna. They told me they had me on conspiracy but they were not gonna charge me because i would lose my children and in thier observations of my life which they had been taking for monthes, they said they knew i was a good mother i just needed to stay away from the dope. I have tried and tried and it seems to be everywhere i turn. I dont have to have it all the time and i dont go through withdawls if i dont get it but i have come to realize there is still a dependency that i can't shake!i get high around once a week and afterwards i feel like shit and i kick myself in the butt for even doin it but i can't seem to quit all together. At one time my life made sense but now i am just completely lost. I have developed a social disorder which puts quite a strain on my life. I can honestly tell the difference in my brain. When i graduated high school i was very smart, i graduated with a b average. I read books all the time. Now i can't get through the first page. My attention span is very short. When i am not on dope i am extremely fatigued. I have tried to commit suicide twice. Before my ex got locked up i only weighed 91 lbs. Now i am back up to 113lbs. Still yet not very big. I don't know what to do. Ofcourse with a social disorder i surely don't like to be around people so detox or rehab is absolutely out of the question! I just cant. My life will never be the same or normal again. My advice to anyone out there if u care about youre life, youre family, youre entire existence please stay away from the devil's drug. It only ruins lives.
--C.C.

   I am only 14 years old and i have been doing meth for about a 1 1/2 now my life is hell i am trying to quit but it is hard with a family of addicts. my whole family but my mom pretty much do it. i want to quit so bad i have tried treatment and everything i try to stay out of the house so much cause thats where i get it but any time i leave my mom says she is going to calll the cops on me i havent gone to school for a long ass time and i want to go back. but what teenager aint aloud to leave the house or the cops were going to be called on them. i am stuck here with no help trust me dont touch meth please
--jamie

   My son is a user of meth weather it's a lot or just a little i know he's doing it , the signs are there i just wish he would see what it's doing to this family, being 21 he thinks he's untouchable he keeps telling me don't tell me what to do yet meth controls his every move I just wish I could reach in and touch his heart so he can see just how much he is loved and how much we are hurting for him the bond between mother and child is tested when drugs creep in and yet some stupid person introduce him to this crazy world of ice and he forgets family values but a mother waits 9 mths to bring her child into the world and then waits a life time for the one that strays and so it goes that's why son if you do get to read this know one thing we will never give up on you because we love you always .....
--nat