Hey my name is Scott, I have a four year old son who’s mommy is addicted to meth she left me and is with a man that sells it she has custody of my son and sneaks my son to that mans house I have court order that my son isn’t supposed to be in the presence of him he is a registered sex offender but she don’t care to me she depends on him I turned him in for selling meth I called cps they told me that her smoking meth don’t make her a bad parent I don’t know what to do I cry every night before I go to bed.
--Scott

  I got into meth for the first time when I was 18 years old, 5 months into marriage, it made me feel as if i could share my feelings with my husband better, Looking back, I remember, while I was high, telling my husband about a boy who gave me a quarter if I asked for it, I remember smiling at my husband, ignoring his emotions, going on and on about how I probaly could have had more money than that from that boy, how i could have been more popular, being who I am, I already had my husband convinced, in my own head that is, i was popular. My husband left for Basic and was so scared i would get into drugs, i promised him I wouldnt, but never told him about the Yellow Jackets i took, and other legal over the counter produicts that felt my need for this high. It took the law to stop me from doing meth and other good feeling induced addiction. I llost my mind to drugs (started hearing vocied, in which was my boytfriend playing the harmonica) in September of 2004, got charges of Child Endangerment in September of 2005, thats when they took my child too. I attended whatever classes and treatment I could find a ride to to get my son back, a couple weeks ago, however they terminaterd my rights, i still hear voices and am getting better everyday with my reasoning ( i still believe i can think of someone and talk to them in my head, as if we were having a regular conversation) I can feel my self getting better, I am worried about the people i know who do drugs too. i dont want to see anyone else get hurt from the drug.I am now diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. However, durning all this the past few years, i can feel other peoples spirits when i shake their hand or hug them, thats one thing I got out of doing drugs, or maybe the struggle, i get strange sensations on my head like liquid, other things feel like I am being striked at, other things feel like i am being touched by something in my private areas, no one ever wants to tell me what the things are, I believe it is all real, all kind of crazy things, to the meth user or x user, this stuff is not crazy, I am truely seeking help.
--mustang

  My ex and I were together for 5 years. Married for six months I started to notice changes in him. Constantly working late. Staying up late and being up and ready for "work" before I was even up. At first I thought it was another woman but it wasn't until it was far to late before I finally figured out that it was meth. I was garanteed a phone call from him at 5:00 every weekday to let me know he was working late or going to a "friends" house. Which led to big arguments between us. His mood swings were completely unpredictable. He lost a lot of weight and his cleanliness was definately not what it used to be. He was such a sweet loving man until he got into meth. It's like he changed from night to day in a matter of months. He had never been a physical person but towards the end he was throwing things at me and daring me to hit him so he could hit me back. One night while arguing he slid his plate on the table which knocked my drink all over me. Now a person's natural reaction when something is spilled on them is to stand up. He miss took that for aggression on my part and the next thing I know is he is standing in my face yelling at me drawn back to hit me. I immediately stopped and decided I needed to get myself and my two children (who also loved him as their real father) out. As I was making my way to the bedroom he took our 32 inch tv and threw it. Then came into our room and threatened to shoot me in the head with his nine mill. hand gun. That night I packed my car with everything I could and left.
   At first I thought I could help him. I thought if he lost his family it would wake him up. All that did was give him an excuse. He told me that I was supposed to be his "rock" and stand behind him so he could quit.( A friend of mine ran into him about 6 months ago and he is still using that excuse!) All I got out of it was lies. I don't think he could tell me the truth if his life depended on it. He would tell me he needed money for "tools" or "car parts". It was definately the rollar coaster ride from hell. Emotionally, physically, and financially I was drained. The final straw came for me when I found out he had been cheating on me with several women. I refused any communication with him and immediately filed for divorce. It wasn't an easy choice but I realized there was nothing I could do to make him stop. He had to make that decision on his own. He recently has been arrested for sale and possession of meth. I hope for his own sake this will be his rock bottom. The only problem is his own family is always there to clean up his messes so I fear his rock bottom is death. His mother pays ALL his bills for him (electric, cable, car insurance, phone). I wish she would realize that she might as well be handing a meth pipe to him by not letting him take care of himself. I still love him with all my heart but the man I left was not the man I married. Meth truly is a monster!!!!
--Denise

   I posted my story one year ago and received about 100 responses. i thought i would update you on the blessings of sobriety.
   Once Upon A Time, I lost myself. Silent Screams and secret scars. Prisoner of the mind. This is my story. My tragic Ending. With a New Beginning.
   My name is Ashley. I'm 21 years old. I was sitting here reading these stories and it broke my heart. i felt it necessary to share my story and let everyone know that there is a solution. You DO NOT have to continue living the life of misery and pain. I grew up in an oddly balanced home. My father was an alcoholic and a drug addict in and out of recovery. he would stay clean for a few months then disappear for weeks maybe months at a time. My mother (my hero) has been clean and sober since 1982. i grew up in the middle of addiction. I never knew if my father was coming home and when he did come home I never knew what was going to happen. When I was 10 my mom filed for divorce. I was utterly devastated. My mom, my little brother, my little sister, and myself moved from Alta Loma, Ca to Chino hills, Ca. my mom put herself through law school as a single mother working 2 jobs. My dad was still in and out of the picture. We had visitation when he would show up then one day he just never showed up. I haven't seen or spoken to my father in almost 11 years. The summer he left was when my life took a turn. I started 5th grade that September. I didn't know anyone. I was overweight and depressed. I started lying and stealing. And I was always getting into fights. The summer of 5th grade I went on vacation to Missouri to my mom's best friend's house while my mom took her midterms for school. Me and my siblings stayed in Missouri for a month. When we got back to California my mom told me she was sending me to a private Christian school. I thought my life was over. I found God in 8th grade. I became heavily involved in church and missionary work. I was headed toward a scholarship for softball, I was finally happen. At the end of my 9th grade year, there were problems at school so I moved to public school. At first, I was doing ok, but then everything turned upside down. I found the rebels. Kids with the Mohawks, piercings, tattoos, the kids that were in bands. I thought I had finally found where I belonged. I claimed the "straight-edge" scene for awhile. I was managing 2 or 3 bands then one night I went to a concert and saw my friend's band play. Then came the after party. I took my first drink may 10, 2002. i was 16. that night I knew where I was going, I knew what was going to happen, and I knew the pain that was in store. But I did it anyway. I started drinking sex drugs and rock n roll" that was my life. I dropped out of school that year. I started smoking pot in june of 2002 then shortly after "I found meth. Once I hit that pipe, I KNEW I was f**ked. I lost 50 pounds in 2 or 3 months. I never went home, I ran away for weeks at a time. I started selling weed and other things. When I was 17 the cops came to my dope dealers house and pulled me out and took me to my mom. My mom sent me to a rehab. The first day there I slept, the second day I got a boyfriend, the 3rd day I got high with my roommate, and the 4th day I left. When I got back home I lied to my mom and told her I was going to NA meetings when I was really just getting spun. Then I met HIM the "love of my life" he was my connect for a while when I was 16. when I met him I thought my life was complete. We fell in love, I call it "tweeker love". This is when I started selling meth. I was smoking a disgusting amount of dope. I turned 18 and I was constantly getting kicked out of my house, so I would go to my boyfriends, then we would get kicked out of his house. We were happy for a while, then that 'PERFECT' relationship turned into my worst nightmare. We were constantly fighting and stealing. Then the abuse started. I stayed in that relationship until he went to Japan to work. When he left I had no one telling me what I could or couldn't do. I went on the WORST run of my life. A full month of hell. I hit my bottom in October of 2004. I was selling dope, stealing cars, robbing houses, I was jumped, I ended up in an abandoned house with someone I had no business being with. I had no shoes, I was up for 14 days. That's when I got the vodka out. I don't remember too much after that. All I know is I was covered in mud because I was walking the streets in a storm, with no shoes just trying to get the next bag of meth. But I gave up. I was done. I called my mom and told her I needed help and asked her to come get me. I slept for 3 days straight. When I came to, my mom had information on rehabs for me. I called and got into a place in Orange county. That place saved my life. I stayed there for 16 months. I started working the 12 step programs of AA and NA. I got my GED before I left rehab and I went to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor. i graduated from school and now i work full time as a substance abuse counselor. i am starting a new job at the end of this month working with adolescents on probation. I have an amazing life today and I finally know what it is to be HAPPY. I never thought I would be able to stop using, I thought I would die from this drug. But I need to let you all know that it is possible. There is a way out. You do not have to continue living a life with no fucking destination. I'm 21 years old and I have 2 1/2 years clean and sober. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. i have a purpose today and that is to carry the message to other addicts and alcholics. If you or anyone you know want to stop but don�t know how. There is a way. I swear. My email is Ashley.richmond@hotmail.com. I will help you if you want it. Remember. You don�t HAVE to keep living the life you are living and you NEVER have to use again May God Bless you.
--Ashley

My Sister is Dead...
   My sister is dead because of Meth. She was 36 years old. My family and I were in denial about her Meth use. My beautiful sister was found hung to death in her barn July 3, 2006. She was my little sister. Maybe it was suicide or murder, really doesn't matter at this point. My sister is gone. We confronted her about Meth and she denied it. No matter what she wouldn't give in. I feel like it is my fault she is dead. I did nothing to help her. I didn't put her in rehab. I didn't talk to her about rehab. I would give anything to go back and fix everything. My sister's hair was beautiful her teeth were beautiful. she didn't look like a meth addict. I notice breaking out around the mouth sometimes. she had water to drink with her all the time. She worked 2 jobs, her house was clean. Her car was clean. She was clean. I hate this drug, I hate people that make it. I wish my sister was still alive....... I miss you so much......
--Tina

   For five ,years I have been dealing with my husbands addiction, it has taken a toll on me but yet, I still love him. He has a good heart. I have confronted him many times, and I get the I PROMISE I AM BEHAVING, dont trip. But the broken glass keeps showing up. But, yet he is not smoking meth, my house is just producing black stained light bulbs, and broken glass, (sorry for the sarcasim). Baby I love you I will change this time, I dont want to lose you. I think does he love me really love me or am I just for looks keeping a clean home, cooking, and taking care of all the financial needs, holding the family together, taking care of our three children. He thinks they dont know about his addiction but they do our daughter has heard many of our arguments over this dirty rotten monster called meth. I once again confronted him a week ago, and once again he promised he would quit, well last night he came home in excruciating pain. I was in the room with the door closed watching CSI and it was in a loud scene. Next thing I know I hear him screaming my name, so I get up and go to the living room and their he is all bent over in pain (unusual because he is a mans man tough 6'4" 280 lbs.). He started cursing me "did'nt you hear the f"ing horn, and me yelling for you, you were f"ing ignoring me!" I have never seen him be this ugly before. He had me rush him to the emergency room, upon entering the car I picked up a pack of cigarettes in the console, I needed a smoke, stress, to my surprise when i opened it their was a baggie empty, I pulled it out and a glass pipe was in the pack. I glared at him even in his excruciating pain he could come up with yet another lie, it was in my car and I was going to throw it away! Finally we get to the hospital, his pain was really, really, bad he almost passed out, he was assed right away! Right, wrong or indiffrent, I told the nurse about my findings and his addiction, I did'nt want them to give him any pain meds that could work adversley with his meth. He seen me talking to the nurse, who was going to kick someones kid out of their bed for him, Subsiquently they maid him wait, and they told him they needed a urine sample. he laid down outside while waiting for a room, telling me how I really f"ed him this time, I was a f"ing b" over 100 times, it hurt, really hurt. Once in the room they told him to pee he cussed at the nurse, finally he told me he had to pee, before he got any help. I got the cup for him and he looked at me and told me to pee for him! I told him no I have hormones! He was once again screaming in pain "help me, please someone help me!" A female nurse came in and asked him to keep it down, he called her a f"ing b", they heard him screaming profanities at me while I put wet rags on his head that now looked as if he just steped out of the shower, loving him as I do, using wet towels on his neck and forehead, to receive another beating with words, don't touch me you are the reason they are not helping me, then babe please help me, a vicious cycle. Finally, he fell asleep, I was afraid to move because I might wake him the silence was nice, real nice. They came in and gave him a non-narcotic pain reliever, and an IV. When they came in to discharge him I glanced at his chart METH=POSITIVE! I confronted him today and it was all my fault, I just wanted proof! I left for awhile and he is going to be gone for a week visiting. A week of sanity a week of freedom a week to think straight, clear my thoughts and search my heart of hearts, is it worth it? maybe it is time to let go. I told him about the ugliness I seen in him at the hospital and one day it will take him over. I dont know how much more I can take, I am on paxil for depression. I dont know how long, I can hold on to a dream, a wish, a hope.
--Kace

METH-od of Death
   I thought that you might enjoy sharing this on your website. It is a poem that I wrote after I lost my 8 children due to the manipulative   ways of methamphetamine.

"METH-od of Death"

Darkness, lights out; demons of meth,
Survival, succeeding; don't hold your breath.
Possession, control; is what you desire,
Honesty, respect; transformed to a liar.
Agony, torture; can't feel the pain,
Numbness, steel; is what your soul gains.
Chanting, laughter; look at that face,
Paleness, scabbed; simply a waste.
Powder, ice; numb to the touch,
Loneliness, hell; loved so much.
Embracing isolation; leave me alone,
Sadistic climax, chilled to the bone.
Sorrow, regret; the pain's coming back,
Hopeless and weak; strength, you lack.
Depression, no mercy; visions of death,
Self-destruction, no pulse; another victim of meth.

Catherine A. Barton Ward
July, 2005

   I left my husband of 17 years over meth.  I knew for a while he was changing but was unaware as to the why.  He started accusing me of sleeping around with all kinds of men, he even recorded me at our business, then replayed the recordings to fit into his delusional thinking.  His interrogations became daily as did his jeckl and hyde personality.  He has since filed for divorce which I do not want, I just want him to get help.  I don't know if his delusional thinking will go away though.  Resoning is out of the question with him as his mind will not let him.  I feel so sad for him and for my two girls and myself.  This drug has destroyed so much.  God help us.
--Michelle

   Hey everyone. I've visited the site a few times, and have my own story to tell. I am 37 years old, and had my own meth experience when I was 19 years old. I started dating this guy whose sister and brother in law would snort crank. They eventually started selling it. My boyfriend lived with them, and I would stay with him some weekends. I had done bumps of coke here and there, and smoked alot of pot. I was told that crank was the same as coke, except it lasted longer. I slowly started doing it here and there. We would all sit around the table talking all night, the more experienced ones would do a half a straw full. I saw a change in all of them, their behavior, personalities, looks, but I didn't change at all..... I thought. This guy totaled my truck 2 times, and I had to lie and say that I was driving because he didn't even have license. My sister and her husband could see a change in me also. I would go home during the week and stay up all night lying in my bed in the dark, and pretend to be asleep when my parents got up to go to work... I picked at my face so much (one of the obsessions) that I looked like I had fallen off a bike, face first. Finally, one night I came home, and my brother in law, mom and sister were waiting up for me. My brother in law asked me in front of my mom if I had been doing crank.... I tried to lie, but he called me on it. I hated him soooo bad at that moment, and a few weeks after that too.
    He just tried to sabotage me, and sold me out in front of my family!! Thank god my daddy was not there to hear this, or I would not be here today, and if I was, I would be standing up typing this. (ha) Me, my mom, brother in law, and sister had a long talk, they told me how much they loved me, and how much more I deserved out of life that what I was settling for. And I beleived them, because I did. The next day, I broke up with the guy, and severed all ties to the people that he (we) hung out with. I met someone else, I got married, had a beautiful baby girl who is 10 now, I thank God, because I probably would never had experience the joy that she has brought me if I wouldn't have quit when I did. I got divorced, and remarried. I am now married to a policeman. That I love with all of my heart. He goes out everyday and deals with the addicts on the street, they lie, cheat, steel, and hook to get their drug money, even kill people. My worst fear is that one of them might hurt him one day, or my daughter might "try" it one day. The good thing is : to everyone who reads this, you deserve better than a life with meth/crank/crack, etc.... It can always be better, but you have to put forth the effort, you have to want it. Deep down inside you do, and you can do it. Your soul, family, friends, kids, everybody that cares about you is waiting for the "old" you to come back.
--LD

   I had been thru 20 yrs of domestic violence, and finally got brave enough to file for a divorce. During that time a male acquaintance of mine was going thru a breakup with his girlfriend. This acquaintance was also acquainted or “friends” for lack of a better word, with my now x husband. As we were going thru our “breakups” we kind of “dumped on each other” about our issues. Ultimately we fell for each other. My x would call me one minute threatening, the next minute pleading, telling me I didn’t know what I was getting into. He’d say “your dancing with devils” and just went on and on to the point where I thought he was absolutely crazy. He even planted meth under the bumper of my car saying it was, my new husbands dope… (Long story). Anyway, I knew nothing o f the drug world. I knew nothing about even my x-s meth use until my “acquaintance” told me. My acquaintance is now my husband. I will call him “J”. Well, my divorce became final, I was visiting J at his home when he was picked up for manufacturing.. I did not honestly know or even suspect that he did this until we started seeing each other. They took me to jail with him but they didn’t charge me because I was simply a guest visiting him. He stayed in jail for a month till the DA reduced a bond that was inconceivably high. Friends of his pitched in and helped me pay to bond him out. Well, that was it… He was through… He found God, He wrote me love letters while in jail, and he painted a picture perfect life. Keep in mind, I was a good girl, I didn’t know anything about “jailhouse letters” I took him at hi s word. (Truly I believe he meant every word in those letters, it just didn’t last). The evening he bonded out of jail he asked me to marry him. Oops! The ink hadn’t even dried on my divorce papers and we had only dated about 5 mos. I really did love him though. He was so sweet, kind, loving, understanding, helpful, always there…He was my knight in shining armor quite literally.
   I said yes and 2 mos later we married. Life was GRAND until we started having money problems and was in fear of losing our home. The home was in my name only as I acquired it before our marriage. We were out of time and spent out. Mismanagement of money if you will, but never the less, this is where we were. He was supposed to do “his old job” two times, a quick fix to just get above the water. From that point forward, my unbelievably, incredibly devastating, nightmare began. Keep in mind, we had been married about 3 months and I was completely ignorant to the drug world as I NEVER had been around it, even when I was with my X husband. All I knew was beauty pageants with my daughter; outside of my job. Well, from that point forward, I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant a month after we married, but of course I was about 3 mos pregnant before I found out. In the mean time, his phone would ring non-stop, I mean day and night! Then I started suspecting he no longer had his job. He acted like he was going to work but different events made me think he wasn’t. Ultimately I was right. During this time I was catching him in all kind of lies about where he was etc. This is also when the physical and verbal abuse started. First time he laid his hands on me, I was pregnant, found out he was lying by saying he was working, I called him a liar, he choked me, left, and didn’t come back till the next day. This scared me, I thought oh no, what have I gotten myself into? Throughout my pregnancy I was miserable. I was so freaked out by all his actions, disappearing for days, leaving the house and running the roads with one woman after another, Fri ends or business associates he would say. He’d get Jacuzzi suites and have them over. I found pictures of a woman exposing her breasts while sitting on his motorcycle. I heard rumor that he was having sex with this one and that one… I didn’t know what to think or what to believe. I had gone into some state of mental denial I guess. Mentally I couldn’t believe I was carrying a baby. I mean, I knew I was pregnant, I felt the baby moving, I saw the sonograms, but I still just couldn’t believe it. I realize now it was because I was 40, pregnant, married to a cook, and this man was physical, verbal, running out on me, lying, possibly cheating etc. My x actually was telling me the truth. I would find text messages in his phone about a planned what I believe to be sexual encounters…Of course it was always something else when I asked. I found lubricant hidden in the wall of his storage room. I would find cameras, video equipment, among other things, but never was there any tapes that were he and someone else. I never found a thing that would prove undeniably he’d been cheating, but I found so many signs of it. He was addicted to porn too. The women would not stop calling him. Day in and Day out, 24 hrs a day. One was his best friend and would NEVER leave our house! Day and night she’d be there, she was married with 3 kids. Her husband was always upset for being gone all the time. If I expressed concern that she was wearing out her welcome to my husband, I was screamed at or left for days on end. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he would be in his shed with another woman. It was horrible. The day the baby came, he wouldn’t stay with me, he had to go meet a female to have coffee and get money. I wasn’t to ever question him about where he was going or who was with him. He’d freak if I got near or in his truck or wallet. He harped on trust and that I wasn’t his mother and he didn’t have to answer my questions.
   I ended up having surgery not long after the baby came. I had a Bartholyn cyst removed. (vaginal cyst). It was outpatient surgery. The next day, the law came. I was asleep and my so-called friend answered the door. Later I found out my friend was playing my husband and I, ultimately trying to break us up. You wouldn’t believe the troubles she caused our marriage alone! Anyway, they searched the house, found nothing. They searched the shed, a full lab they found. He wasn’t home when they came and I was asleep in bed. They didn’t take me to jail cause of my surgery the day before. They told me to make him step up to the plate or they would charge me. I said ok, how long do I have? They said at least a year. That’s when he started running…and keeping up with whether or not there was a warrant out on him. At the same time, we got evicted from our mobile home park because of the lab. He started f lip flopping from friend to friend…male or female. Most of the time I didn’t know where he was. 2 months later they found him, staying with a female. When they arrived, they found a lab at the woman’s home. They both were charged and arrested. Four days after their arrest, they picked me up at my mother’s home and charged me with the 1st incident. Since I was the homeowner, they could and did. I couldn’t believe it. I NEVER had anything to do with manufacturing or distribution. One of the main officials told me himself that they knew I was not involved. I was just a blindly in love. I was hurting badly every day of my life, but loved him nonetheless. I got out of jail the same day they arrested me, he ended up staying 3 months before we could get him out. Almost a year had passed; I had talked myself into believing that they wouldn’t indict me because I knew that the law knew I wasn’t involved. Hell, they even told me they knew it. Guess what? I got indicted a month ago and today I got my point of discovery papers. Their offer? Oh boy, 20 yrs, 10 suspended on one charge and 8 yrs 4 suspended on the other. He has told me repeatedly he would step up to the plate on this, but we have been fighting so badly lately for things regarding the incident and he has again been acting towards me just like he used to as well. Not to mention, rekindled old friendships with women that would do anything for a hit. I mean anything. Plus the one he was with when they got him.
   I am so devastated. I don’t know if he will step up to the plate because he acts like he hates me, he calls me names and yells at me day in and day out. His voice tone towards me expresses hatred. He is hiding & trying to save close to $5000 extra money cause they are raising his bond, even though it was already set and he had been out 6 months! They can do that! One judge sets the bond, and you bond out, once your indicted, it goes to a different judge, if he thinks the previous judge didn’t set it high enough or whatever, he can add more charges, raise the bond, whatever he wants…its so unfair!
   I just found more indications of him cheating on me today, condoms. Now he won’t speak to me. He denies’s any wrong doing or plans to do so. So what the hell is the condoms, rope, and porn tapes doing all stuffed in a pillow where he was staying?? He says they were for me. The condoms, because I have a urinary infection and he didn’t want to get it. Hmmm…never seemed to faze him before!
   Summed up…I have an 18 month old, no job, felony charges, a most probably cheating, pissed off, hateful, mentally cruel, husband that I am totally dependant on to step up to the plate for my freedom. You know meth cooks get more time than murderers do.
   So what do I do? Let him cheat and turn the other cheek? Turn the other cheek while he does whatever to pay our bills and get up more bond money? He wants me just to stay home, take care of the baby, don’t ask questions, not know his whereabouts, who he is with, what he is doing, etc… and above all, trust him. Well, anyone would know that a wife can’t just turn the other cheek while her husband is “having his cake and eating it too” Turn him in? That’s my baby’s father, and my husband who for whatever reason I still love and hope to one day live in peace in harmony with. To live out our hopes and dreams with and to raise our son, together, in an environment that is loving, and caring. When we married we thought we had such a strong relationship, marriage, and love. We felt that with a baby to share it with, our lives would be complete. The baby would be raised right and in a loving nurturing, environment.
   He would be sent away forever if he does this again and gets caught, but I guess once again he thinks he is invincible.
   I have never been through something like this before. Ok, I know… “leave him,” that’s great but so much easier said than done. Keep in mind; he probably won’t step up if I leave him, that would probably piss him off. I truly came from a white picket fence world. Now I’m a cook in the law’s eyes and I have no idea even how to begin to cook. I don’t want to go to jail for something I didn’t have a part in. Going to jail will put my baby in DHS. There’s no one related or anything to raise him. I’m all my baby has and I am dependant on this man for my freedom. I have looked and looked for anything similar to my situation on the internet but I can’t find a thing. A support group or anything. All I seem to find is stories of meth cook wives or their girlfriends going to jail for YEARS simply for delivering a phone call message or picking up an ingredient or two for her man not knowing what she was doing.. I know it’s hard to believe, but its true. He was gone most of the time. I was knocking myself out trying to figure out what was going on around me. Now I could lose my baby and my freedom. I am a victim! NOT a convict!
   To the wives and girlfriends: you never know how things could fall on you. I've been told that the jails are full of women who thought their man would step up. They didn't. I am scared to death.
--bj

A quiet miracle…
   I have heard of wondrous medical miracles where there was no hope to save a life but the person lived beyond all medical explanation. I believe these are miracles of God and that our God is the miracle worker even in today’s world.
   I have the need to tell of a quiet but awesome miracle that happened in my life when Jesus Christ saved a man’s life from certain death and destruction. This is not a story of a medical miracle but it is no less miraculous to me. That man is my brother Larry and this is my praise to the Lord!
   Growing up my big brother Larry was everything a good brother could be. He had a wonderful sense a humor and always made me laugh. He never had an unkind word to say to me and made me feel safe and protected. He told great bedtime stories and he made up the funniest songs and games. He was a kind person with a huge heart for people.
   We did not have a “perfect” childhood. There were troubles in our home that I am sure effected all of us in emotional ways. I will not point fingers or place blame but I believe that in part some of these troubles caused Larry to eventually turn to a life of drugs.
   The years passed and we all started the journeys into our adult life. Larry got married, had a daughter and seemed to be happy. Circumstances changed and the marriage did not work out – divorce and sadness came into Larry’s life. A second marriage and another daughter came but this marriage too did not last. He was hurt and devastated and it seemed a short time after this that his turn to addiction began.
   I watched with sadness for years as my brother sunk deeper into this life of addiction. His spirit being ripped from his body as the devil whispered in his ear and heart that he should live whatever life he chose. I saw the emptiness in Larry’s eyes as he told me he was happy with the way he was living his life. My brother had opened the door to the control of Satan and Satan had gladly walked in and taken hold of his life. I watched as Larry’s physical body matched what was happening to his soul.. it was withering away under the spell of the devil and drugs. My only tool was prayer and I know that I wasn’t the only one praying hard for the life of my brother.
   I also saw that Jesus never left my brother (“I will never leave you nor forsake you”). There were glimmers of hope when my brother would allow himself to hear the voice of God telling him that he was walking down the path of destruction. During this time I was excited to see Larry take steps towards trying to conquer his addiction but sadly the success was short and the drugs again took control. Larry needed to surrender all to the Lord but that had yet to happen. He was a Christian but obviously not “walking the walk”. During the times when my brother was seeped heavily into drug use I was heartbroken to look into the eyes of a man that seemed to have no joy. I have been told that the eyes are the window to the soul. His eyes were dark and void of the joy and gentle spirit I had grown up with. It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.
   As the years passed it seemed all hope was lost for the life of my brother. I was sure I would eventually receive the phone call that he was dead from the drugs or killed because of the crowd he hung around. My prayers grew weak and I grew angry. I cut Larry off from my life – told him I did not want him around me or my family. My brother had hurt me over and over and I closed my heart to trying to help him any longer.
   In the year 2000 a friend invited my husband and I to a revival called “Tell the World 2000”. I told her yes we would love to go. I then began to hear the quiet voice of God telling me to call my brother and invite him to the revival. At first I ignored this voice because I did not want to again set myself up for hurt. God’s persistent but gentle command won over my stubbornness and I called Larry. He said yes he wanted to go! I was excited but apprehensive. Wonderful and awesome things happened at that meeting – my brother stepped forward and admitted to hundreds of people that he was not walking the path that God had set for him. There were lots of tears and prayer that night for my lost brother. We went a second night and I again saw the awesome power of God working hard on Larry’s heart. I again had hope that maybe this life was not lost after all…
   I would like to end this story now to say that Larry turned his life around after that meeting but his struggles were not over yet. My brother still held control over his life and again went back to the life of drugs. I was heartbroken but I also felt in my soul that I was to continue to pray and be patient in this battle. Seeds had been planted in Larry’s heart.
   The next two years I saw my brother rarely.. mostly on holidays. Each time I saw him he seemed to be deeper into his addiction. I asked him once what he thought of his body when he looked in the mirror and he told me that he thought he looked great. I could only figure the devil was fooling him there too. I saw a young man that was looking old before his time. His belt cinched tight to hold his pants up from the weight loss, his skin pale and his eyes dull and void of emotion. I think at times the hardest thing to watch was the sadness in my mom’s eyes as she saw her firstborn son slipping further into this life of self-destruction. She told me that she too also expected to eventually receive the phone call that her son was dead from drugs. She tried in every way she could but nothing seemed to work.
   Then in April of 2002 I received a phone call late at night. It was my brother and he was crying – and obviously high on drugs. My first thought was, “is he going to ask me for money or does he need me to bail him out of jail”. The phone call was the opposite. He said he had been watching television and come across a Billy Graham special. He had watched the program and was brought to his knees by the realization of how he was living his life. He told me he didn’t want to live like this any more and wanted to get off drugs. That phone call led to a chain of events. I contacted a Rehab facility and the paperwork was started to admit him into inpatient drug rehab. He started his treatment on May 8th – our mother’s birthday. She said it was the best birthday present she could ever receive. The treatment seemed so short – just less then a month. Counselors told us that Larry needed to live someplace safe after rehab – someplace without his old crowd. Most of my family lives near where his drug friends lived so it was unknown what we could do to find a safe place. Again, I heard the quiet voice of God telling me to move my brother in with my husband and I. I knew this was impossible! Our house is small with just one bedroom and a den. We had no spare bedroom – obviously God had this one all wrong. But God always makes a way and we found a place for my brother to have a room to call his own. He got a job and seemed to be on the right track to starting his new life. Our home church embraced my brother – praying for him and supporting him in every way. The church family welcomed him in with open arms. The congregation rallied around him and loved him in good and bad.
   I bet whomever reading this would now think to themselves… “this is finally the happy ending to this story”.. but we again had some valleys to go through in order to reach the mountain I had been praying for all these years. Shortly after Larry moved in with us he was restless and wanting to go visit his old hangouts. I knew this was absolutely the wrong decision and told him so. My advice was not taken and there were days when Larry did not return to our home. When he did return he would sleep and act worn out. I was positive he was doing drugs again. I had seen this side of him before and knew it all too well. Then he did not show up for work for two days and we did not hear from him. My husband and I sat down – me in tears and sure that all our work and sacrifice was for nothing. We prayed and asked God to help us. Our gut response was to kick him out and be done with the whole mess – but God had other plans for us. I was stressed out, not sleeping and physically ill worrying about where he was and what he was doing. I went to work but felt so tired and depressed that I went home sick. I prayed and cried out to God to help! I was home lying on the couch when my brother returned. I could see the utter desperation and heartbreak in his eyes that he had not only failed us but had failed himself as well. I told him that he needed to be completely honest with himself and me and tell me if he was using drugs again. He admitted that he had relapsed. We both cried and he told me he didn’t know why he had done it and he was sick with himself and his weakness. I prayed with him and asked God to pick him up and help him through this. Larry knew it was time to give his complete life over to Jesus. Give up his control and allow God to break him and remold him into the man that he was called to be. This seemed to be the turning point in Larry’s new life. I marked July 4th 2002 as my brother’s independence day from a life of addiction. But really it began as his life of dependence…. Dependence on God!
   As the months passed Larry made good decisions for himself. I saw the return of my brother’s spirit, sense of humor, health and all that had been slipping away. He met a young lady at church and they began dating. I was excited for both of them as they seemed to have so much in common and they became such good friends. She had a gentle kind spirit that matched his so well. In July of 2003 they were married at the church. Family and friends all gathered around to celebrate the start of a new life. I thanked God for everything He had done! I looked into my mom’s eyes and saw the joy of watching her son become the man he was meant to be.
   Now, when I look at my brother I see a mighty man of God. He has conquered his addiction through the strength of our Lord and I give all the glory to God for his life change. Larry is a strong prayer warrior and he has such great faith. I am so proud of the man he has become. He is faithful in reading his Bible and growing in the gifts of the spirit. I now turn to him when I have doubts and struggles and he ministers to me in my times of need.
   So this is the story of a quiet miracle that happened in my life. It will never be seen on television or read about in the newspapers but to me it is the most wonderful miracle I have ever seen or heard. My prayers were answered even when I had doubt, weakness and frustration. At times I gave up but God never gives up. Be faithful in prayer and faith and you will be rewarded.
   Thank you Lord for the people in my life that You used as tools in this battle – my church family, pastors, my husband and friends. Thank you Jesus for saving my brother’s life. I will cherish my brother forever!!
--Tanna

   hi, i dont want to say my name, but reading these stories really triggered an emotion that i have a hard time dealing with...this is my story...im 17 years old, i was introduced to meth when i was 14...my best friend used it...i really didnt know much about it until i tried it for the first time when i was 16 ...things werent goin good in my life and i fell into the meth disease...its like a monster...i never thought i could get addicted...wouldnt happen to me...i was wrong...i started rolling in october of '06...i was stealing, lieing, cheating and sneaking around...i felt impowered and invincible...i lost evrything and everyone...but i didnt care...i just wanted to get high...at first it was fun and i was hiding it pretty well, but around january of '07 it was noticable...i lost about 45 pounds, my pupils were perminitly huge and i had an attitute of of "i dont give a F***K" i thought i was so cool...never once did i think of the people i was hurting or the problems i caused my health. i would do it before school, during school, after school, durng the night...i went 13 days without sleep once...i would drive to places i didnt know and chill with people i had never met before..sometimes by my self or with my best friend... i got her hooked...i regret it to this very day ever letting her try it, but i needed someone to get high with. I stole money from my parents (over 5 grand) , i took from my friends, and even my little sister...i remember waking up on the morning of february 12, 2007...i was late to school...i went and did 4 or 5 lines in the bathroom before going to class...3 hours later my priciple came in my class room..."bring your things" he said...my heart dropped...i was caught...after finding a pipe and 2 seals, one empty and one with enough to get me through the day until i got more after school...the cops came...i was arrested...i will never forget the look on my parents face when they walked into the office that day after finding out their daughter was a meth addict...i wound up not going to jail and i dont know why but i thank god i didnt...i was suspended and thrown into rehab...i was an impatient for a week and then moved to intensive outpatient rehab for adolesence drug abusers for a month and a half...i have been clean since february 14, 2007...meth has screwed my whole life up...i have to repeat classes because i missed so much school, i have permenant memory loss...nobody in my life trusts me, my little sister lost her roll model....my stomach lining is barley there from eating the dope, my nose has no cartilage from snorting it, my lungs are crystalized and many other things...meth is a disease...look under your kitchen sink and there is what meth is...it will ruin your life...if u or someone u know does it...get help...good luck and god bless....
--K