Crystal Meth / Methamphetamine: Letters & Stories
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   I have been reading the letters and stories on this site pretty much all day since about 3pm this afternoon and it is now almost 10pm.....not even sure how I came across your site??? But I am really glad I did....reading these story's about how these addicts and what there family's go through. I am a on again off again Vicoden Addict/ any pain killers for that matter. I kind of feel what they have been through. Only a few of my family members knew about the addiction and I am not really sure why I quit taking the pills??? Other than I was tired of them controlling my life....I would get down to like 5 pills and I would be on the hunt for them....GOD I HATED LOOKING FOR THEM.....But I had to have them or I would be ill....GOD I HATED THAT FEELING EVEN MORE!!!
   I never really missed much work from it BUT there at the end I was starting to due to how many I was taking a day....if I didn't have enough to get through the day by the end of the day I would be so ill. I was so lucky no one ever found out about my addiction (except my sis).
   I ended up getting laid off from my job in 2005, I had about a 2 week spend where I was unemployed and barely had money to take care of my obligations....Thank god I lived with my sis....she pretty much told me that I had to get off the drugs now or I never would....I had the time to do it so I did and at that time I was heavily taking Oxycontin and I was so sick from withdrawals puking and having uncontrollable bowel problems....it was horrible.....I wanted to die.....I did finally overcome the addiction to the oxy BUT still 2 years later I am still battling with the vicoden addiction.....I do not take my last dollar to buy them BUT I still do buy them and take them once in a while....if someone I know has some to sell!!
   Honestly lately I have been taken to many and my body can tell...this pass week I have slowed down considerably like today I only took 1 vicoden....I know I must get off these drugs eventually. I just hope I don't lose everything when the eventually comes.....I know this site wasn't about the type of addiction I am going through BUT reading these story's have given me some kind of hope that I can get better....I HAVE WAY TO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!
Thanks for reading my comment and God Bless every single person who has told a story or written a letter!
--J

   Just wanted to share our story and hope we can inspire both the user and the family of the user. I came across this website 2 years ago when like many others, who is already losing hope and looking for something that can lessen the heavy loads that they are carrying from the battle of being a wife of a meth addict. My husband who is at my age got deeply hooked with it when we were in our first year of living together. He is my boyfriend for four years and never had an idea that he was with it. I have a son with a previous relationship whom I wanted to have a father figure but things didn’t turn it that way. I got a daughter with him and I don’t like to bring up another fatherless child. To make a long story short, I suffered the same experience with others. I almost lost my sanity and always wish every single day of our lives to just receive a news that he was already dead especially when he is out of the house. We joined a religious community where couples are involved coz he promise me that if I will give him a chance he will finally change. To my disappointment, the change didn’t happen. Our miserable life got worse for another 5 years. Praise God, it’s me who got reformed from the community we joined in. I got moral support, courage and patience to bear all the problems that meth brought to us. I got to enjoy what I am doing to other couple even if it did not take effect on us. In short, I surrender everything to the Lord, I continue my life with our children and stop expecting that my husband will change although I kept on praying about it. Joining this community helps me a lot and my children in coping with our present situation with my husband. Until one day the Lord answered my prayer. My husband suddenly came home from his ins and outs of our house and told me that he was willing to undergo rehab. I was skeptic at first but Divine Providence my sister gave me a flyer which she got from one of her prayer meetings she attended, she asked me to call this spiritual rehab which is located in a serene place. The fee that they ask is depend upon the financial capacity of the family. The place is so nice, they have their own rooms, the guest (patient) is not locked up like a prisoner. They can always go home if they feel they don’t like to stay anymore without asking further question. But they have to go by the rules during the duration of their stay. They are well fed, not only food for the stomach but especially food for the soul because they teach them (guest) how to pray to God and how to deal with their addiction through calling God. God is so good that he transformed my husband to the original man I fell in love with. I thank God that I didn’t lose my faith which I think the one that really moves the mountain (meth addiction). After a year of staying there, he went out and continue serving the Lord. He’s a different person now, a may say a man of my dreams. Now we are serving a spiritual community that caters problematic married couples. God does not stop HIS favor to us, HE gave us a business that we were able to buy a new house so my husband doesn’t need to stay in the same playground where his playmates stay. We are living a good life now and he is now a responsible husband, father, son, brother and friend. He gained again our complete trust that he lost for so many years. Thanks to the people that prayed and supported us. So, to those family of the user and to the user out there. Don’t lose hope, just have faith and be supportive. don’t just look for a support group, look for a support group that involves in spiritual activity that concerns God and I assure you that everything will fall into places. Thank you for reading my story and may God bless us all.
--Gg

About my Brother
   I am writing this letter in hopes that it can help someone else. Maybe even as an outlet to voice my feelings that are never heard by my brother, hopefully someone can read this and be able to understand what it feels like being on the outside looking in.
   My brother is a young 25 years old. He is an alcoholic and a meth user. I don't know really how long he has been using, but I think it has been at least 5 years. He has been on lots of drugs other than meth and I feel helpless. I pray for him every day and I just wait for the phone call to come, saying he is DEAD!!!! He has had a very bad childhood. I kinda think that this may be some of the reason why he got started. I know that is not an excuse, but sometimes bad thinks happening to you make triggers things like drug use.
   Many people in my family has tried to help him including myself. He has been to jail and that has not worked. Here is how it stands right now.
   He dropped out of school when he was 15, he only has a 7th grade education. He can't hold a job. He has had some good jobs but he fails drug test or can't make it back to work after being high all weekend and gets terminated. He currently lives with my parents. He doesn't have a license, never has, or a car so this hinders him somewhat from TRYING to be independent. Sometimes I think these hindrance's have kept him alive, I can't imagine what could have already happened if he was on the road, high!!! I think my parents (who he lives with) are either in denial that the problem is this bad or that they think if they don't talk about IT, IT will go away. This subject is all he wants to talk about. He talks about using meth, cooking meth, what is in meth, who sells it, I just don't what to hear it. This is the ONLY thing he wants to talk about. He is basically a looser. He really doesn't have a job, he lives off my parents, has no car, no license, he can't afford to wipe his own A#$. He is my little brother and I love him with all my heart. I don't know how things have gotten this bad. I have tried to talk to him, to help him, nothing works. I thought at one time that maybe if we (the whole family) put him somewhere like rehab or a psyc hospital, maybe this would clean him up but I don't think he can be helped.
   He has said many of times that he wants help, it is offered, then he goes right back where he started. He has but my parents through hell. He has told my mom that he was going to kill her, he stays up all night for days at a time, he has torn my mothers house apart once because he was hallucinating, saying that someone was in the woods behind their house trying to kill them, and that they were little people and that is why no one can hear them but him.
   I came to this web site, not knowing what it was that I was even looking for. When I started to read some of these letters, I just wept, uncontrollably because I could read what these people were going through and could see my brother. He is 25, 6 feet tall and weighs about 110 pounds, he is very thin, he has long hair but it is starting to thin out very bad, his teeth are yellow and brown, very bad teeth, his jaws are starting to sink in, he looks like a skeleton. I feel so bad for him, but yet I feel so mad and fed up with him. I truely will never know how it feels to be him, to wake up and do the things he does, to live his life.
   To live his life for him, I wish I could, I would in a heart beat. I would take his place so he could know what it feels like to LIVE. For him to feel loved and for him to love his self. This would be a dream come true. Some people wish and dream for riches, for money, to win the lottery, I dream a selfless dream,,,, for my brother to LIVE.
--P.W.

Power is my Addiction
   I’m not going to say that meth wasn’t my drug of choice, it is and everyday I tell myself that because I have to remind myself just what exactly will take me down. I have been doing drugs sence the 60s I am 56 now and I have 10 yrs clean. But I have a story that led me on for years. I did drugs thru the 60s, 70s, 80s some of the 90s always able to leave them BUT… it always called me back. I left the alcohol I left the coke I left the pot but the meth. Kept bringing me back to where I started. I would be so self righteous that I had it under control EVERYTIME, yea right. I even learned how to use the people to keep me high POWER… boy do you have power over people when you got the bag. I’ts so sad that people can give up so much for such a little bag. My biggest withdrawl symtom was losing the power I had when I quit using, I had no respect for money either cause it came so easily when you’re selling that poison. I ended up in prison at 45, how embarrassing is that? My poor family. I sat in prison listening to women tell their stories, doing life over drugs, 8 out of 9 of those women were doing time behind Meth. My big question is WHO’S WATCHING THEIR BABIES… That’s a sad reality. Meth has so much power over the people it touches, it destroys so much, families, people, love, trust it has no limit to what it will take. I have the knowledge of knowing that I will not live as long as my parents WHY? Because I have hepatitis C behind the meth use. I have a lot of sins I live with now and I pray that God will forgive me for selling drugs to so many people. I’m sorry… I have a job now that gives back, I counsel adolescents on substance abuse. Everyday I see the horror that, that drug is still bringing. I’ll do what I have to do help these kids know just what kind of damage this drug can do to their lives and families. Meth. can cause a lot of sorrow not just to you but every one who loves you. Think twice before you make that choice of saying yes to ANY drug because that life style will have you facing that devil (meth) eye to eye one day.
--E.

   Hello. My name is Connie and my son is a meth user. He called me last night from jail. He had been arrested again. This time it was for burglary and possession. He has been in jail over ten times that I know of. He is twenty-two years old and can see no future for himself. He lost his drivers license and totaled his car. He is so far in debt to the various police depts. for fines upon fines that he may never get a license again.. He has at least three felonies now so I don't know if anyone would ever give him a job even if he did have a way to get there.
   Josh has been through many tramatic events in his life including the death of his father at 10. There was one death after another and I don't think he ever got past any of them. I tried counseling but he refused to talk and then refused to go at all. He was diagnosed two years a go as being bi-polar and refused treatment. He still refuses it. I cannot understand that he refuses medication but will use illegal drugs. I don't know how long he has used meth because he moved out of our house and never came by when he was high or else he came while I was at work.
   I don't know how to help him. I cannot afford to put him into rehab and I think that he would fight that anyway. I'm hoping that the judge will decide to send him to rehab and there would be no other way out for him. If he continues like this he will either end up in prison or die. I know that I could not bear to lose him. I love him more than life. He is still that sweet, sensitve boy that I know but I know that eventually the drug will change him forever.
   Thank you for letting me vent. I feel so alone right now and this helps.
--Connie

   Hi, I am a 43 yr old woman living in the midwest where this drug has become more than an epidemic, it's a pandemic. It is literally everywhere and I have lost so many friends and loved ones because of it. I first noticed it around here in the late seventies and early eighties. I had some friends that used in the late 70s but they didn't abuse because it seemed like they could never get enough of a supply to really binge on it. Then in the early 80s the meth scene exploded. It was everywhere, everyone was doing it, it was the cool thing to do. I was friends with a couple who dealt it and so naturally I tried it, but I was one of the lucky ones - I didn't like the feelings of panic and sexually it made me unable to orgasm. So, naturally, I did not continue to do meth, nor did I even want to. ( I know, I know, LUCKY! ). I watched this couple and their dope friends get crazier and crazier and I decided somewhere along the way that was not a lifestyle I wanted for myself. I quit hanging with them. Fast forward 10 years. I was 31, owner of a small business and very happily single when I met a really great guy. One thing led to another, marriage was discussed. He told me he didn't do crank, that he had tried it but didn't like it. I believed him and we married. Big mistake. Oh, he didn't use for the first 3 yrs of our marriage but I think maybe that was because the supply had dried up. During that period ( 94 to 97 ) it was very hard to get any kind of illicit drug. It was what is known as a "dry " period. Even pot, which is usually available on any street corner, was extremely hard to get and very expensive when you did. But sometime in the latter part of 97 the supply of these things got very reliable and meth was everywhere again. Steve ( my husband ) starting using with a couple of his friends. At first I didn't say anything, I thought maybe it would be a casual thing and if I didn't make a big deal he would quit because I wasn't doing it with him. After several months of this I told him why I was scared of this drug. See, I knew from seeing it over and over again that a person who cranks can't be in a relationship, any kind of relationship, with a person who doesn't crank. It might be because crankers don't share the same reality the rest of us share and so don't understand other people. The mistake we ( nonusers ) make is trying to understand them because once they have been using for a while they are changed people. They are literally different people. Something happens and they go away, where I don't know, wish I did, I'd go there and drag 'em all back. Even when they abstain for a period ( notice I did not say quit because I haven't known one person who quit who was into it heavily and I know 2 people who have hung themselves in jail because of it ) they are not the same as before, their personality is permanently altered. Unfortunately for those of us who care about the user our only course of action is to leave the relationship and save ourselves. It's tough, it's rough, but only on the nonuser - the user doesn't really care because the only real relationship they have is with the drug. So while we are crying they are partying and having what they think is the time of their life. But while it eventually gets better for the nonuser it never gets better for the user. So that's where I am now, divorced after 12 years, but luckily still in possession of my business and my sanity. I've been gone a little over 6 months and I can honestly say to those of you thinking of leaving it does get better. Every day it gets better. Just getting rid of the stress that living with an addict creates makes a huge difference. Once you are away for a while you start to see that being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you miserable over a g--d--- drug. Don't you worry about your user, you can bet he/she will hook up with another user, then another, then another, ad infinitum. Truth be known, they probably have been all along, you know how promiscuous meth users are. Don't do like I did, waste 9 yrs of my life thinking that every promise to quit is a sincere one. Run as fast as you can at the first sign of meth use because it only gets worse and no good ever comes of it. Peace to all the survivors.
--superspiral

Not sure of the truth
   This is my first time to this site. It has been very informative and scary at the same time. I’m in a position where I’m not 100% sure if she is using now or not. She definitely admits to using in the past. I have never seen Meth or her using. I do not approve nor want her to use. She has strong nervous tendencies and claims they are a result of family nervous disorder. Her father died at 50 from a sister disease of MS. I believed her all these years (5+) but have always really questioned the truth. I never questioned her family.
   Her intense personality (talkative, nervousness, constant head and hand movements – I can go on…) makes me and other around her feel very uneasy we are overwhelmed by her presence. She is calmer when it’s just me around but the signs are still there. It seems as if she is using but I have no proof – I can only guess. Just last night I asked her to prove to me she is not using by purchasing a drug test kit. She probably won’t and I guess that will be my answer. I’m concerned that her long term use has permanently damaged her nervous system. To boot her mood swings and low self esteem is hard to be around and watch.
   She still denies using now (she says she has not used in over one year). Matter of fact, I just learned a year ago that she did use Meth. I guess I’m a sucker. She has never sought treatment to my knowledge. I strongly encouraged her to go into a treatment program or get tested to see if she has long term damage. Maybe there is medicine for her, not sure. I don’t think she is ready for the truth. In my opinion she is in a state of denial but she has to realize that she will loose me if she does not help herself. She gets very defensive even discussing this serious problem. I have caught her in many lies – I don’t believe her, I cannot trust her anymore. I cannot be a part of this destructive behavior anymore. Thank goodness we don’t live together but I constantly worry about her – I love her. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. I sit and worry, God help us.
--CB

   I had always been the overweight drinking pot head until I was 27. I was already married and divorced and the mother of three daughters. I started dating a guy I knew for almost 20 years, who had spent most of his life in and out of prison for meth. Within six months I lost my job, my three beautiful daughters, my home, friends, family, self respect and 90 pounds to meth. Do you think that was enough to make me stop? NO! I loved the boyfriend. He'd beat on me, cheat on me, and eat off me, but never did he care enough to help me. I was spiralling downwards. FInally one day my exhusband came to me and "kidnapped" me. He made me stay at his house until I finally asked for treatment. I attended KRC in Bremerton, thank god too, becuase I was wasting away to nothing.
   Here I am now, 2 months clean, and it doesn't get much easier believe me. I still have the cravings, but its easier to not use than to use and be able to live with my decisions. I now see my girls every other weekend, and some is better than none at all..
   Don't support those in active addiction, be hard on them... WE need it
--Autumn

   Hi there, I choose not to say my name and I do not have a meth story. I know this site is not for people like me i do not even have a family member on meth. I just wanted to express my feelings on meth. I turn 17 very soon and I want to say that I am scared to death about meth. I never tried it and I never want to try it. For the people who are hooked on ice I want to tell you something. I live in a very small town where meth is not introduced and next year I will be moving to a big city where there is meth and I am terrified because of the drug users to attend university. I do not want to go because of people like you. Do you see where I am going with this? I am risking my entire career because I do not want to face scary people who use meth. Just think how many more people are like me. I do not want to think of you as monsters, and I will not think of you as monsters because you are all still human beings but just lost your way. I do not know if this will even get published but if it does I want you all, either if you’re on meth or your thinking about doing meth, stop and think that there is people like me on this planet scared of you. This might not even click for you but I just wanted to express myself because truly next year is going to be a living hell for me because of the drugies. Thank you for your time and may you all have a good life.
--M

   This is my story….I was introduced to meth through someone that I used to go to bars with. I will never forget the first line I ever did. I snorted it off of a glass top coffee table through a rolled up dollar bill and I was instantly hooked. I loved crystal the first time I tried her and I bought my first half gram that very night at the age of 18. It was all downhill from there…..
   I started selling coke to support my meth habit, then pretty soon I was hooked up with a guy who showed me how to cook it. Big mistake. I became just as addicted to cooking it as I was to smoking it. My life spiraled out of control so quickly it left me reeling. I was in and out of jail so many times I lost count. The end came for me when I was facing major charges and a sentence of 53 years in prison. I walked away with 10 years probation and one felony on my record and I thank God every day for the second chance I have been given.
I will never forget the day that I decided I was DONE. I had quit several times before, the longest time being 1 ½ years but I always came back to the shit. The day that changed my life I was outside in the woods (which is where I had lived been living b/c I was on the run) and I felt this overwhelming peace and calmness come over me. I felt like God had cupped my face in His hands and said “ Go home child….everything will be alright.”
So I did and it has. I have been clean 4 years in April 2007 and I am a changed person because of the life that has been given back to me.
--Marsha

   Hi friends! I know exactly all the feelings everyone has went true. I can not believe how it effects everybody life, just exactly like it has happen to me. I have stopped a month ago, after one year of using it. It was my night mare...I wanted to stop, but it was extremely hard. I have cried a lot in the end, didn’t know what to do with myself and my life. There was no colors in my life and I hated myself...I never knew all that feelings before. It was terrific!! Entire last year, 2006 I would like to erase from my memory.
   But today I feel much better, I want to do things and make all that happen in my life, let my dreams come true and be happy and FREE! This is my New Year resolution and I will continue that for the rest of my life! Today, after being in total roller-coaster for the last month, I know and I swear I will NEVER EVER touch crystal meth again, I am never going near it ever again! You know, for the last month I felt really SHIT, I could sleep for days, but after the oversleeping didn’t makes me feel better. I didn’t know how long I am going to feel like that...Oh, was so hard! After a week I started to force myself to do things, normal things and treat myself and my body better. I went to SPA for detox, have tried to exercise and eat properly. Day by day was better and I am so proud I did it. I had my friend with me who helped me.
   I want to tell you if you still keep going with it, STOP!!!! Don’t let this ruin your life! That’s not worth it! It may be hard but it’s in your head!!! Believe yourself and think how it will be when you will be able to stay clean. The feeling is great!!!

“Don’t worry if the sun don’t shine
You’ve seen it before
You don’t need to worry
Every day’s uphill climb
Nothing has changed
Believe me when I tell ya”

All the best for you guys! Stay close to your real friends and your family!
--Marta, 23 Sydney

my ex bf drug problem
   I was with my boyfreind for around two and a half years. We have just recently split because of his speed use.It has destroyed his life, we have a little 3 month old baby girl.He started using at the age of 17. I met him at my older sisters best friends 18th when i was 15. It was like a feel in love with him as soon as i saw him we started goin out about 2 weeks after that party everything was all well until i started noticing the effects of the speed.i started finding needles all around his room and car. he started going out and leaving me at home, going clubbing and to the stripp joints. this hurt me so much i just wanted to leave him but i didnt have the gutts to i loved him to much. i started to deni he was on drugs to everyone i started to actually belevin my self that he wasnt on it when i knew he was. he blamed the needles on his friends and i beleved him. he was the most awsome person to hang out with i loved spending every second with him, the drugs have now destroyed all of that feeling. i now hate being around him because his temper is so bad he will yell at me punch holes in all the doors. he will say to me i will be back soon and dosent come home untill the next day an think that everything is ok. he would come banging on my window at all hours of the night and morning saying shit like i have cheated on me he saw guys walking out of my house just stupid shit like that. i soon fell pregnant with his child and at first he didnt beleve me his friend were sayin to him i was a bitch and a lyer.they all encouraged him to break it off. we were on and off theroughout my whole pregnancey, he cased me so much pain hurt and stress i could have lost our baby. i was constantly at the hospital with problems i coulnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt go a day with out cryin. the night before my 16th birthday i had a little party with close friends and relatives, and guess what michael wasnt there he was out with his mates on drugs as usuall. he came banging on my window at around 315am i let him in. that day it was my bday , he slept all morning untill his mum came over crying to my mum about his drug problem he never even brought be a bday present hhis mum made him go to the shops with her and he got me some earing.that was the worst bday of my life. he never had money he always upset me constantly by going to the clubbs and stripp joints. becase of his drug use he missed out o his baby girls birth i had to do it all by myb self. i still wish now that he could have been there to hold my hand and to cut the umbilical cord. hes done it now that was his chance and now its gone , he still blames it all on me and cant admit to being a junky he has hurt everyone who loved him and now his family beleves hes off the drugs but hes not. it was christmas not long ago and did we receve a christmas present no! he use to constantly call his ex girl friend i have been told by many that he has cheated but i dont want to beleve it i love him and thats the way it will always be if were together or not. im scared of what he may do to us now he threatens to take my baby girl away its not going to happen not any day. i lust wish he would relise what he had before its to late. he wa smy best friend my soul mate and now its to late hes lost into the world of drugs and hate. i have just one more sentence to say to him please michael get off the drugs and come home to nus we love you. SPEED KILLS PEOPLES LIFES! iam 16 and deaply in love with a fequent drug user of speed
--Diane

   hi all, my story is definitely more tame than most of those out there. in fact, i have used meth only around 10 times. but i send this email out hoping to identify with a different demographic (group of people) that may be going through these stories.
   first...well, it's probably best to start with my personal status. i am a functioning alcholic. i come from a family that is addiction-prone. my own parents are and always have been absolutely ideal: in the nature vs. nurture debate i hold no grudges against nurture. but i have aunts and uncles, a sister and past gradparents that are addicts whose addictions range from alcohol to pills to cocaine.
   for myself, i am 27 years old and for the last 6 years if i have gone longer than 1 day without drinking it's an accomplishment, and it justifes another month-long binge. the total number of non-drinking days over that period is less than 30. and those days without drinking are most often due to the need of a recovery day after a coke binge (which is always accompanied by heavy drinking), and those days almost never happen without smoking alot of marijuana. next drug of choice: the one i just mentioned: marijuana. but it goes in spurts. it's not an addiction. yes, i've spent many a day smoking from wake up til go-to-sleep. but i've also stopped many times, for no other reason that that i didn't feel like it, for a day, or days, or weeks, or months. i have more to say about marijuana later. for now, suffice it to say that it is a part of my life. finally, coke. i think it's fair to say that over the last 10 years there has been a 4-year cycle of hard use and a 3 year cycle of hard use, with sporadic use in the middle (2003: only 3 times; some other years both before and after: averaging 4-5 days per week for the entire year). that's it for my respective achilles heals. yeah, i've tried pretty much everything out there (i don't mind putting a needle in my arm either), but never caught onto anything else.
   so why post on a meth site? well, different stories to reach out to different folks. the ones really bogged down in meth, the ones who have sufered as innocent third parties...those people are well represented on this website. but there must be other people like me out there. i have an addictive personality. i've flirted with the throwing my life away. but i never took that last step. why did i try meth only a handful of times? because i knew in my heart and soul that it was more danger than anything else.
   my first time: drunk, i go to my coke dealer's motel room (this week's motel). tomorrow is my younger sister's high school graduation, and all my family is in town, and we've all been at a local pub celebrating. anyways, they have no coke, but they've got meth. it's a small town - the rumors have been circulating for a bit but it's basically meth-ignorant. but i buy some. then on the walk back with my buddy the cops pull up - they've been watching the place. i toss it on the ground, they find nothing, we walk. a couple hours later we go back and find the flap, but don't do it. next week, on coffee break from my job, we start it. we fly for the last six hours of work, then continue to fly til three days later. bliss.
   i was scared when all was said and done, and didn't touch it again til 5 years later. then, it was in asia, where i teach english, having in the meantime completed a 4-year college degree. that sums up my experience with the drug - about 10 weekends of no sleep and rolling into kindergarten class all messed up - i'm still in asia - the last time was more than 2-and-a-half years ago.
   all else said, i am writing because alcohol continues to be a huge problem, and coke only isn't because i'm here. (i've only spent two years here, and three times i ran away from coke addictions and beat them.) my point is this: for those fo you who struggle with other addictions, don't take that last step. listen to your brain. for me, heroin, opium, ex, pills...well those weren't my baby. i am prone to speed / amphetamines, that's the one that will get me, if anything. or the booze of course. but i walked away from meth. that's my final point. even if you're a speed freak, for those of you out there that need a speed rush, there's a line you don;t have to cross. if you have enough sense to not cross the coke/meth line, good for you. i don't know, but i feel like it's the only right move i made. after all, i finished university and got on a plane to fly to asia three different times, leaving coke behind each time. could i have left meth or graduated college? maybe not. just, don't let your perception of yourself convince you that you are hopeless...
   final aside note: i feel strongly about this. to the editor: if you are not prepared to post this part of my email than you do not have my permission to post any of it: marijuana: i'm not saying it's not a drug. but "drug" is a culturally subjective term. and the fact is, alcohol skews your reality much more significantly than marijuana. i'm not saying marijuana is not a gateway drug - it is. but, it is only a gateway drug because we are culturally told to believe that the feeling we get after smoking marijuana is a "drug feeling". so, we try marijuana, and then we feel like we are ready for harder drugs. in that sense, yes, it is a gateway. but here's the spin: i have never tried a hard drug for the first time after smoking marijuana. every time, it's been when i've been drunk. alcohol is by far a bigger gateway drug. how do you define drug? the ability of a substance to intoxicate you? then there is no question which is worse. but one is legally sanctioned, and therefore culturally sanctioned, and the other is not. and so one is a "drug", and the other is not. i have certain opinions about marijuana, and this is not the appropriate forum for espousing them. but i want, for the safety of all, to really dfrive home the point that one should fear and secon-guess their actions more after drinking than after smoking (that). so if that cultural bias is relfected in you. be careful. in 6 years of being an addict of both "drugs", i have never done coke when high on marijuana. on the other hand, after six year of being an addict of both "drugs", i can count on both hands the number of time i did coke without drinking first. i'm not saying marijuana isn'a a drug. but be aware of everything.
   thanks, and now i go back to my bottle. no intention of stopping. life is hard, even when you are so fortunate, as i am...
--Ben