I have attached a letter that my son's father and I wrote and handed out at his funeral service. We buried our 22 year old son on September 9, 2006.
   Austin had a long term addiction to drugs and for the last 6 years his drug of choice was crystal meth. Over the years Austin entered into several rehab programs. Programs that we chose, programs he chose and programs that the courts chose. There was never a program that would work for him. Austin lived for crystal meth and he died for meth. He took his own life in Phoenix after being apprehended in a car jacking. He was tired, tired of the addiction. Austin wanted to stop using but couldn't find the way. For the past 1 1/2 years he had been injecting the drug. Meth had it's complete hold on our son.
   I'm having a real hard time with guilt. I kicked Austin out when he was 17 after drug dealers were knocking on my door and threatening me for Austin's actions. I have a younger son that I'm raising. Austin accepted my decision after he realized it was the right thing to do.
   Meth is ugly. I've been terrified of my son when he's been on meth. He was a picker and at times would pick his face down so far where it was bleeding and purple. Austin was so addicted to meth he would talk about it in his sleep at night. After his death, his dad and I found a letter that he wrote earlier this year, his last attempt at rehab from meth. The letter was addressed: Dear Crystal, my favorite white girl.
   Please visit the memorial website that we've just started and read more about Austin's struggles with the addiction. www.austin-hesse.last-memories.com  Thank you.

  My name is Stephanie. I'm 22 and a single mom of 3 beautiful children. I havent been sober for longer than 6 days the past 2 years. I started using drugs when i was 12 .I smoked weed occasionally and started using coke but stopped when i found out I was pregnant with my 1st child which was when i was 13 . soon after i had her i moved in with her dad and the drug use started again. then seven months later i found out i was pregnant again, so i stopped using but my ex didnt. i was living in a drug infested enviorment . at the time it was me ,my ex , my brother and his wife and our babies. we sold drugs and thought we were good at it ,we had a nice 4 bdrm house in a nice neighborhood with no parental supervision we were all under the age of 18 at the time .in july of 1999 i had my 2nd child at the age of 14, and once again started using right away. since we sold drugs and my ex worked my kids had everything they needed so i thought. i started realizing that me n my ex got along great when we were wired, but only then.still it didnt seem 2 be a problem. over the next few years we continued to live like this until one night i tried ice.at the time me n my ex were having prolems and i went out with my friends. when i went home i brought some with me. we started using only on the weekends, then when the kids wrer at school, soon enough i couldnt get thru the day w/o it. my ex quit his job leaving me to support our family , i had a pretty decent job which paid the bills but it wasnt enough so i started selling it in 2004 i found i was pregnant again when i was 3 mnths.it took me 1 whole mth to quit smoking completly but i did it . the next 5 months of my life were hard but i found myself again. my mom was back in the picture and i started telling her about my pasrt drug addiction. i begged for my ex to quit with me just during the pregnancy but he didnt .nite after nite id wake up due to the usual side effects of pregnancy and would find no one beside me . he continued using ,it was hard to see everybody wired , to smell it i would some times be able to taste it,not physically though i was craving it. in jan 2005 i gave birth to my 3rd baby and once again the day i got home started smoking again and after 2 weeks i went back to work, I would come home after work to find my kids awake, not bathed, and not ready 4 school the next day. my mom started helping me by taking the baby during the day so i could rest but i would smoke so that i wouldnt be tired and so that i could clean ,and cook befofre my kids got home. once again i started selling to support my habit .after a while i got tired of doing everything and me thier dad split up. well itried to make him leave but he wouldnt i'm still not sure if it was me he couldnt let go of or if was the free drugs. my mom saw that i was having problems and soon offered to let all 3 of my kids stay with her cause my home was no longer safe. i agreed but for selfish reasons, she didnt know i was using again. my ex finally left after i changed the locks. by this time my house was the place to be. my older brother moved in with me and my friends were always there we all pitched in and it worked for a little bit. i quit my job be4 i got fired 4 being late . then the money and drugs started to run low i watched my brother drain my dads bank account with checks he had stolen from my dad . soon enough my dad found out n had to press charges or else he would be held accountable. my brother soon had warrants, and quit reporting to his probation officer . and one morning i woke up to cops in my house . me , my brother ,and his girlfriend all went to jail. we had warrants for city tickets and his were for the checks and credit card abuse.( during the months before one of our regular customers brought us a gas card in exchange 4 dope it was a company card he said no one would know but guess what they found out n when they did he put the finger on my brother-we racked up a $5000.00 bill in about 6 weeks) me n my brothers girlfriend got out in about 2 weeks however that was it for him he's now serving a 12 year prison sentence.i completly fell off ,losing my apt, my car i didnt know what to do . i started using more n more . i started hanging out with this guy who sold drugs with but now i had no money he liked me and i loved dope . he supported my habit , bought me what i wanted gave me money and he was really good looking, but i guess he could only take so much of giving , without getting anything in return so he cut me off. this hurt me cause i really liked him. but it was probably the best thing he ever did 4 me cause 2 months later he lost all 3 of his vehichles cause he was in debt with his dealers lost his house and his connection. on top of all that he was thrown in jail and given a $250,000 bond . almost a year has gone by since then , i still use drug but now my mom is more than aware of my drug use and has tried repeativly to get help for me. She now does everything 4 my kids including my 15 year old brother , shes tried everything from kicking me out ,to calling the cops. all this would is make me stay away for days w/o calling, at first it didnt bother me. i got in another relationship we did alot of drugs in the beginningand after a while we got tired of it we were clean 4 one week and on our way to changing when they went off his bond and he went to jail . immediatly i went to smoke its been almost 3 months and he continues to write me and pray 4 me but i stopped visiting and writting cause i couldnt lie to him anymore about my drug use. he thought i was cheating on him , the truth was that i am cheating on him with dope. my mom once said with her full of tears" what does it do 4 u ? idont understand what could possibly make u act the way u act, and not care about ur kids or urself its like a boy , ur chasing this drug around like a girl chases her 1st crush or 1st love." however i want to quit now more than ever I hate myself for what ive done , ive lied and let everybody down most of all my kids. i dont even enjoy getting wired anymore tonites my 2nd night at home i hope i dont leave again im going to try to quit again i hope this is my last time quiting . if i could take anything back it would be........taking that 1st hit.
--Stephanie

   well ill tell you a thing or two about the drug they call shit or snizle me i have tried it didn't like it but see i am a crack smoker so i thought stupidly well this was easyer to get and cheeper boy was i wrong i was a crack smoker clean now but i have tried just about every kind of recreationial drug uot there and yes the first drug i tried was pot the starter drug when i did i di cause it was the only thing that was around in ca ya you can find it but meth has taken over the drug world putting cocain out of bussness so to speak well that's my piece on that so in parting if you have never tried it and want to dont please
--D

A letter to meth addicts and families of meth addicts
   Hello families and friends of those that use and are addicted to meth and to the addict themselves, I have a story I want to share with you.
   My husband of nearly 3 years is a meth addict. He claims to be clean now but some tell tale signs are popping up and I just want to share this with you.
   We lived together for 3 years before we were married and I knew he was an alcoholic and liked to smoke weed every now and then. After I signed my name and my name only on the dotted line to buy a house before we were married, my life came crashing down around me.
   We moved into, I will call it our home, in June of 2003. In August of 2003, he was saved, we were going to church every week and life was good. We were married in November 2003 and he also got baptized that same month. In January 2004, he was injured on the job and was taking pain med's and then it all started. For the first time in over 3 years together, he did not come home, no phone call either. He started blowing off work and blaming it on everything else and of course, I believed him. I was up to my eyeballs in debt and all the loans were in my name only (his credit is horrible). Anyway, the staying away from home for days grew greater, always an excuse of trying to hustle a buck. In a years time he brought home $150.00!
   He started hanging around with this one guy and then the runors started flying and when I asked him about these rumors and the drug of these rumors, he LIED and said he has never messed with the stuff, only a little bit of weed now and again.
   Well guilt got the best of him and he finally told me the truth! He admitted that he has been doing meth off and on the entire time we have been together. He said he was going to stop, but he didn't. I had people showing up at my home trying to find him. I had people leaving messages about money he owed them. My garage was ransacked and on a amemorial weekend that he had disappeared-I was home alone and someone tried to break in to the house.
   And then, my world came crashing down, he admitted that he was cooking meth. He left the house one night at 2am and was going to go cook and he ran from the cops (paranoia-thought they were following him) and he wrecked my new car and there was over $5000.00 worth of damage. There was one time after he admitted the truth, that he disappeared for 8 days. I could have been dead and buried in the ground before he finally decided to come back home. I started finding items in the garage that did not make sense and I got online and researched meth, the ingredients and the side effects so I was not dumb to it all.
   He stopped being a part of this family, never did anything with us or for us, we were basically on our own. He stopped going to church, he stopped visiting his parents! Every one but him, was to blame for all of our financial strife and problems. He was taking people's money for meth and they were not getting anything in return.
   In September 2005, he was arrested for possession of meth and for possession of drug paraphenalia. He plead guilty and was given 5 years felony probation. I lost my job due to time taken off to get him to court and probation meetings. A week later, he called his new probation officer and admitted that he was dirty and she had him go to in-patient treatment that he thought was a joke. He has since cooked(which I caught him in the process)and used meth and has been arrested again for possession of an item(cold tablets) with the intent to manufacture meth and is under a Grand Jury Indictment for this new charge.
   In the midst of all this mayhem, my 9 year old son and I have lived this nightmare. I have lost my home to foreclosure, I lost my new car to reposession and now have to file bankruptcy. We live in a tin can of a trailer(the landlord is a meth addict), we have to pay for him to be on probation, he lost his license for 10 years, court costs, fines, bondsmens, board bills for the jail time he as done.
   This relationship will never be as it once was. The lies and deception has destroyed a part of the trust we once shared. I am always scrutinizing every move he makes, every place he goes and the people he chooses to hang with. I have found rigs in the trailer and just tonight I found 3 boxes of cold pills. He said once that he loves to get high-it makes his day easier. Tell me this, how can it make a day easier when your loved ones have to live with and suffer the consequences of the actions of a meth addict.
   My son and I live with it every day. I can not find a job in our small town, my son, who was always getting invited to parties and sleepovers, now has only 2 friends that invite him over or come to our house. We are paying the price for meth addiction and neither of us use the stuff or have ever reaped any monetary reward from it. It has cost us a fortune not only in money but in our lives.
   Any person who is an addict reading this letter, think about your actions, think about what you are doing not only to yourself, but to all those that care about you and love you. Do the right thing-get help-you CAN NOT do this on your own, my husband is living proof of that. Thank you!
--Tina

   First of all, I want to say that I think this site is great. Meth is really on the rise, and way too many people are using it, unaware of what it can really do. As for me, well I started using meth when I was 18. I had smoked pot and crack for years before that. When I was introduced to ‘TINA” I fell in love with her right away. I started doing it pretty much to fit in. I was going to a lot of rave clubs, doing a lot of E and K, and then came TINA. I used meth everyday for about 4 years. I did so much of it, that I too, hit that psychosis that another writer was talking about. So paranoid, A PRISONER OF MY OWN MIND! I was convinced that everyone around me was plotting to kill me, so I walked around with a butcher knife in my hand all the time. Even though I was already doing drugs when I started doing meth, I was not a violent person until I started doing meth. I turned into a complete MONSTER!! Destroying not only my life, but the lives of everyone around me. I just didn’t care, TINA was my only friend, we loved each other, or at least that’s what I thought. I have been clean now for almost 3 years. I don’t do ANY drugs anymore. How did I do it?? It’s quite simple: Pray. Go To Meetings, Don’t Pick Up, Help Someone. These are the things that I do, and they work for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Crystal. I loved being a tweeker. What I don’t like is the destruction that comes along with it. I know today that I do not have to live that way. THERE IS HOPE!! No one has to die from this drug anymore, help one another, love one another, and for pete’s sake DON’T USE!!!!!!!
--Jessica

Ex-wife of a meth user
   Reading all these letters it is hard for me to believe how many drug addicts are out there walking around. It is real scary to believe that the law enforcement in these states are doing nothing about all of these meth users. I was married to a meth user for 23 years - he is a long distance truck driver - I think it started out using pills to stay a wake. I was stupid enough to marry this monster and have a child by him. It really started showing up in 1996 when he started losing jobs - I think now about 11 jobs in 10 years. Failed drug test - would deliver 1 load and then the company couldn't find him for 2 or 3 days. Always one lie after another - truck broke down - dot shut the truck down - log book violation - out of hrs. You name it he always had one lie after another. When he did come home - it was always lie after lie as to where he had been. I would spend all weekend out looking for him. Never took a shower and then would sleep for days when he did come home. My son grew up without a father. Of course all of this was my fault - I was such a bitch. Finally 1 year ago he up and left and never came home. Left me with my only income for the bills - working two jobs now plus my son helping out. Finally showed up 6 months later - never asked how I was doing or about his son. Claimed he hadnt worked in 5 months and needed money. Been another 6 months and no phone calls or nothing. I hope I never see this monster again - until the day he dies then I can spit in his face. Heard he is living with a lot lizard from a truckstop. I hope they have a wonderful life together -both meth users they should be happy together. I know I certainly am - my house is so peaceful without him.
--BA

 Reflections IX
   I last left off with "Then I was told I was hired and I shook hands again, all around, and felt what elation and happiness and glee and positivity felt like again for the first time in years. And the past horrors began to ease away as the shining glow of my future presented itself to me, for me, and because of me...from something deep within."
Purpose complemented my newfound direction in life. It wasn't easy, but daily activities took up much of my thoughts throughout each day. I would wake, shower, decide what to wear, catch the bus, sleep or people watch, switch to the train, then the other train, then exit into the throng heading to work, security badge flash, the elevator, sign into the timeclock, and pour free coffee. That is when I knew I was ok for the day, that I had arrived. Life was so flighty and fleeting and cautionary and hazardous to me for so long that the simple routine of arriving to work was edgy and perilous and bound for doom until I had that first sip of the coffee. I looked around: this cubicle was kinda big, the place was nice. The windows gave panoramic views of the city and the points distant.
Distant: I was distance in a person wearing a tucked-in, collared shirt. I was this mass of barely survived, burnt wreckage with a tucked-in fake-ass, corporate appearance. I felt like a bear trap with a slap-happy smiling sock puppet as a cover. I could snap...I could easily snap.
At what? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I think it was my third day before I took a deep, relaxing breath and realized that I this job, this opportunity, was not a dream or a fake or a set-up. And that's when I began to smile and comprehend that the old had moved past or faded away.
I still felt alien there though, like a shock victim thrown into a social event. I was withdrawn, but likeable. This is the icy clutch afterward. This is the way a tweaker sees normality until the surroundings become familiar enough to settle in, like a cat in a strange environment. Months passed, money started to flow, confidence boosted, work friends were made, time rolled onward. Life was good.
   One Feburary day, Thursday I think it was, I was sitting in my work cube and doing my duties and I just flashed to a sack of ice. Just as clear as if it was right there in reality. It unnerved me, shook me. Luckily I had cut all contacts and did know where to begin trying to hunt it down. But the sensation, the want for it was very real. I met some friends after work for a drink at a bar nearby. I met Meg. I had $80 bucks worth of ice in my pocket less than 3 hours after I had pictured it earlier.
   I remember standing in the bathroom stall, lighter in hand with a dollar bill perched over some gathered shards ready for the crush, and taking a deep breath. Crack! Crush, slide of the card into a line, roll the bill, and wham. All the mechanics of it came readily back to me, all the feelings of "coolness", of electricity, of preoccupation came surging into me. Monday I called into work, my pupils being too big to show in public, the ice gone, nothing left but recriminations.
   I had f-ing failed. Here I had such good things going in my life but I was willing to wreck it all for the very shit that broke me so shortly ago. I went to the local park and found a private spot in the woods and I disappeared into myself for several hours and when I came back home my face showed dark-circled eyes with normal pupils. And I slept, because I didn't just have work the next day...I had my life and purpose and direction to return to come sunny am. I had to rebuild upon the reconstruction effort underway. This is called Reflections. I can't say my whole story at once, I just can't. I'll write to this Letters page from time to time and try to tell it all for those that keep up; just look for Reflections in the heading. I do want to say that I've made it out, barely. And I will never lie or embellish my story; all of it is true including my name. And all the other names of f-ups will be true as well. Please tune in, I won't keep you waiting long.
--m

   Hey everyone this is Monica 18, Angel 20, and James 19. We are recovering drug addicts we have slipped several times. Lets start with my story I am 18. I started smoking pot when I was 12. That was not enough!! I then became an alcoholic by the time I was 15. I drank everyday. Then was introduced to the big-time-cool drug METH. At first I was against it then everyone around me always talked about the good times with it so I had to try it that's when all life was hell. I would leave for days with my friends and our parents would call each other all worried about us. Nothing was the same no more. I had dropped all my old friends and hung out with people who were in and out of jail. Well I stopped going to school so I was sent off into states custody. Not one time but twice. By then my best friend ended up pregnant and she didn't know the her baby's father. I always said that would not be me. I always went to the party's. Of course there were people who didn't do meth but we just didn't let them know about it. I would sell what ever I could for meth I even sold my car because I was coming down and needed back up. I thought everyone was out to get me. The police was always waiting in their cars looking at me with binoculars. That was just a bad trip. I would have them all the time. I would wig out on my family. I then found out I was 2 months pregnant and didn't know who my baby's father was. Everyday I wish I could go back and fix what I have done. But I came clean. I have slipped twice since then but I just keep telling myself don't just worry about me now I have someone inside of me I have to take care of too. To hear all these stories, not saying I know exactly what these people have went through but I know enough to tell them that meth and any other drugs are not the way to turn because in the end you or close ones you know something will happen. While I was in use I have had 3 people around me die from meth or beer. It can be anything just don't do it the first time and no matter what your friends think, you are better than that.
   I am 20, it started with me when I was 15. It started with the pills than I needed a better high. I turned to meth. I was also sent into custody that same year they stuck me in the home of another drug user so there was no way of quitting. Well I had my ways of hiding it. I would stay clean long enough to pass my drug tests. When I was out my parents and I felt fine in my eyes, but everyone was seriously worried about me. I would go to school messed up and got put into custody again this time I was away for 2 years and really missed my family. User's don't realize how much their families love them until they are clean and taken away. I was then started using needles and placed into a mental institution. Before being sent to a mental institution I was busted in a meth lab. Now that I have been clean I have a reputation that haunts me. I have relapsed many times since then and have stayed up for months period at a time. At that point I was disgusted. I was so angry, I was so fucking angry that I tackled and smashed my family's Christmas tree. My parents were fed up and sent me back to a drug rehab and I thought it was all a dream, but when it came to it I had nothing left, my car was wrecked, I quit college, my close friends were no longer there, and I no longer had a job. I have successfully completed rehab and all I have left is my family. They have been there for me through the hell and I now realize the pain I have put them through due to my old friend meth. I just hope that the viewers of this page realize that meth is not the answers to your prayers.
   I'm James, I've known Monica and Angel all my life, they're basically family. We grew up together in Chicago, but as time went by we had separated. Angel and Monica both moved to Tennessee with their families, I on the other hand was stuck in Chicago. I smoked pot and binged drunk a lot through my high school days. I also did little drugs on the side such as triple c's and air duster. But all in all I was a good kid who made good grades. I graduated high school in November of 04' and by the summer of 2005 I was in college. I did 2 semesters before I decided to move to Tennessee to live with Monica and Angel. It wasen't long after until I started using meth. Monica and Angel tried to hide their meth use from me because at that time I really didn't know what meth was. I just knew somewhat about meth from hear say. I began to find glass tubes with clouds in it. Light bulbs would also come up missing in our house. I then started questioning Monica and Angel about the findings and the truth finally came out. At that time they explained to me about meth and made the high sound like they were on cloud 9. That's when I began using the drug. When I began using I felt like I was in heaven along with Monica and Angel. We felt like meth was are friend, our fun, our life, but not long after we went downhill and coming down made me feel real sick. I began to look anorexic, my teeth began to fall out, and my heart felt like it was about to explode. I then grew aggressive and got so mad that I beat my pregnant friend Monica up with a bat. After that incident I felt like dying knowing that I did such horrible thing to my friend and her unborn child. That's when I knew I was done with meth. Meth was no longer my friend, my fun, my life. Since then I have been clean. I have been clean for about five months. I am more than happy that my friend and her unborn child is alright though I still carry guilt in my heart that I did that to her. Through this whole experience I've learned that meth is one deadly sin. Meth has made me physically and mentally ugly. It is no longer my life and it will continue to be that way.
--Monica 18, Angel 20, and James 19

   I lost my precious son in march 2006 in a nasty motel room doing everything from xanax to cocain. He was twenty years old. He did not die on purpose. I think he felt he had done drugs so long that he could handle them. Jerred had been in and out of trouble and jail since the age of 15. He was raised in a good family with high morals. My baby knew how much he was loved by me his daddy and his 2 sisters. Jerred hated his life and he did not want to be the way he was. He told me so many times through falling terars how much he wanted to change. There was nothing we did not try to help him but the drugs were stronger. The last time i saw my baby he was sitting on my front porch with a so called friend. We had gotten along good that day and we thought he was doing better. The fact is he had no job no place to live becaise if i allowed him to stay with me the rest of my family would be destroyed. It was so very hard to make him leave home but we had no choice. He owed so much money to the court or he would have to go back to jail. His mind could not take the pressure so he said he would do the drugs to forget. This night was suppose to be a motel party with one of his drug buddies. The next morning his so called friend found him dead. To much on his heart it could not take anymore abuse. To know that my precious son died alone in a motel room alone is more than i can stand. The small memories are what drives me crazy. Mama did anyone call? What do you have cooked? Daddy will you trim the back of my hair? He was so handsome and had such a good heart. Though most people thought of him as a druggie who needed to be off the streets. Oh they just did not know the little boy that lived inside that body.i have so many questions that will never be answered. I will never be the same. A part of me is forever gone. I have alot of resentment towards other people. People that thouhgt they were better. Only by the grace of God. Do not ever say what won't happen to your child. I have always been a Christian and lived the best i could. Since this i am not the same person. I dont blame God i just wonder why my prayers were not answered. I want to believe he called out to God before he took his last breath. he knew how to pray and God is so mericeful. On his headstone the words are written (he looked beyond my fault and saw my need) my baby boy will live in my heart until i draw my last breath. I hope i will see him again one day. Now i have to keep on living one day at a time. From a mama with a broken heart
--G

   My name is Chad and I am a grateful recovering addict. This is the first time that I will be sharing my story with anyone! I am 27 years old and was born in Southern California in December of 1978. My parents were users although I didn’t know it at the time. My mother quit when I was 12 and my Dad was the heaviest constantly loosing paychecks, selling stuff and betting at the race track to support his two habits gambling and cocaine. I grew up with little and was supported by my grandparents most of the time. Bouncing back and forth between them, I never really had it very stable. Growing up I had a lot of issues and no friends. People just didn’t like me.
   I went to a special treatment center for being abusive with my family at the age of 14, it was supposed to be the cure for kids like me but I just felt used and taken advantage of so I never worked the program and ended up being there for a long time. After getting out at age 17 I was still the same old me with no friends and I learned how to manipulate people a lot better.
   That year I found some friends that were hard core drinkers. I partied with them every day for a month or so till one day I was falling down drunk and sick and went outside to puke over the railing. I fell over that railing on to the ground below and laid there unable to move for about half an hour or so. Till someone urinated on me from above and I needed to crawl up the steps and get to the bathroom where I could shower. I made it up the steps and into the bathroom where I stripped down to a naked self and ended up puking on the floor and myself. Someone came in and saw me and decided that I have been urinated on and puked all over myself and poured a bottle of bleach on my body to sanitize me. Well as you may guess I was on fire in a few minutes with chemical burns and drug myself to the shower. I had always been told that if I was in a tight spot to call home and someone would come get me, this was the first time I had ever called and was told no suffer it out I got myself there and I needed to get myself out of there. I never drank again, so here I am with no friends once again, a complete wall flower.
   I tried marijuana a few times and it made me hallucinate and puke every where for hours. I guess I was allergic to the stuff. One day after I moved to Denver , Colorado I was working at Mc. Donald’s and met a guy named Alex who was a tweaker. I still longed for friends and belonging so I was compelled to find a way to ask him to let me try some, I told him I had used a few times in Idaho where I used to live and didn’t know anyone around there who did it so I just didn’t have it. He agreed and let me have some, we smoked it on a foil together. I had just turned 18 a few months prior and that was the beginning of a very long destructive relationship with Meth. I loved that stuff, made me feel on top of the world and introduced me to the many people who also liked the stuff. I dabbled in it for quite a few years sometimes being high for months and sometimes being without for a month or two. I finally moved back to Idaho and was able to meet some people there who also shared the same interests, Meth using, as me!
   Over the course of 5 years I had been a user and a dealer/user carrying large quantities and always willing to lay down a line for the entire party or filling all the glass pipes in a room people loved me I was the life of the party and I had “friends” but one day after being released from probation I went out and bought 3 or 4 ounces and was introduced to a girl and she was cute and skinny and I was overweight even though I was a user. She liked me (or was it the drugs) she asked me one day if she could try some of the stuff I had her way, I knew her way was a needle and I exclaimed NO but later that day I said yes but only if she let me try it too. I had only heard of the life but not experience it. So she agreed! I bought a bag of needles from the pharmacy and I laid out a bunch and it was wonderful. I loved it so much that not a day went by for the next 3 years that I wasn’t high or looking or coming down only to wake and do it all over again. I was abusive doing things I never imagined I could ever do. One day I held down my ex on the bed accusing her of hiding stuff from me and punched her in the side of the head repeatedly till she couldn’t see out of that eye. I was a worthless monster, I had become a nightmare of a human that didn’t deserve to live.
   I was broken the girl, who showed me the needle, left me and people who were just like me hated me! I was once again alone and I was an alone addict who wanted to do more and more to keep the feelings from overwhelming me. I had tried to clean myself up going to my grandparent’s house. Moving back with my parents but I just got high there too. Accused my mother of working with the FBI to capture me and heard my sister using a two way radio letting the Drug Task Force know what room I was in (btw she was on the road with my father in a long haul truck 2700 miles from me!) Finally one day I was coming down and got into a car wreck and the girl whose car I was driving told the officer that I was on drugs and he searched me and busted me, for possession of Meth intent to use for the residue on a bag and a paraphernalia charge for needles. I went to jail and had time to think it took two weeks before I was seen by a judge after the initial arraignment hearing. I begged him to let me out on my Own Recognizance, he reluctantly did so and I checked into a treatment facility the next day!
   While I was there we were taken to AA meetings and NA meetings and I remember thinking to myself this is how I am going to stay clean. I can relate to these people and I can have friends that don’t use. I became very involved in NA! I sat on committees and I built their web site in the North Idaho Area and still continue to do so even though I don’t live there any longer. www.niana.org I love life today I have experience many ups and downs but here I am almost 3 years later and I have a wife, a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly. And I have my health and wellbeing. We bought our first home this year. NA was a miracle for me and continues to help me be the person I am today!
   2 days before my 3rd anniversary clean date, I was rushed to the hospital with an erratic heart beat and I was having a heart attack of sorts. They had to give me some medicine that caused my heart to stop and reset itself and my wife had to witness the whole thing from across the room. I was diagnosed with a condition called Cardiomyopothy which caused Atrial Fibrillation. These things are very serious heart conditions. Cardiomyopothy is a very weak heart muscle that can no longer keep my body sustained on its own and Atrial Fibrillation means that half of my heart beats to a different tune than the rest of my heart. It can cause blood clots in the heart and is extremely fatal if not treated. Doctors have a nick name for this specific case of mine they call it a Meth Heart. I now take many medications and can’t play the same with my daughter or hold her for long lengths of time. I will suffer the rest of my life with this as it is not repairable. They have told me that it is very probable that if I used even one more time it would probably kill me instantly. (I will not tempt fate!)
--Chad

Crazy Boyfriend
   Hi I've been reading all these stories and I must say that for the past three years I've been dealing with a drug addict. It all started when I was 19(23 now) I was a crazy wild party girl who use to go to bars yeah at 19 I was not a drug abbuser but boy did I like to drink. And thats where I met Alan he was so cute and I let him know he told me he had just got out of the military and was living with his brother so we started talking on the phone and hanging out alot.
   One night after a party we all came back to him and his brothers house and they were all doing coke so I thinking nothing of it tried some with him. Didn't see the point I fell asleep 2 hours later to speed the story up I moved away came. Why I was away I heard that he was doing alot of drugs but still thought nothing of it. A year later I move back and we start seeing each other again only this time he was really starting to become addicted. I could see how much he changed and boy I did not know what I was in for.
   He would stay up all night and lie and tell he went to sleep and woke up before I did. There were nights he would not come home and I would stay up worried. Ther were nights he'd call me at 4 in the mourning saying he was on his way home but there's to many cops out he even went as so far as to telling me he thought I was an undercover cop and I'm thinking " Oh my god are you crazy" And he was. I later found out that he was not just smoking he was shooting up. But he promised me he had stopped. Every time I would try to leave him he would beg me to stay and tell me I'm the only thing that keeps him sane and that he would use more or kill himself if I left.
   One day he had been up for about a week and came home and thought someone broke into the house and hid a police bug and it was recording every thing. So he took it upon himself to dig a whole in the ceiling walk through the walls and make sure no one was recording him. He constantly thought someone was watching him. There were nights he would get so mad at me for argueing with him about it that he thought I was his own rag doll to throw around needless to say I finally left .
   Then out of the blue 4 months later he called me and said he needed help so I drove and hour to go get him he did clean up just quit cold turkey. But I could see he was depressed we've been back together about a year now and have since had a baby. Only now I think he has started recently using again. He gets so irritable and tried to lock me in the house the other day because I've been telling him I know what your doing and he denys of course but I know he has I found it. I want to get out so bad he won't go to rehab he thinks he can do it all on his own I'm fed up and I won't put my son through what I had to go to before . Pray for me to build the strength to leave and pray for Alan to get the strenght to quit and live a normal life.
--Rachel

   I had written a letter on here in Feb of this year braggin' about how good I was doin' off Meth. I had 9 mo. clean on Aug. 13 or so, Aug. 28th comes around and I got high again. I was up walkin' around the streets of St. Paul, Mn for 10hrs and had not eaten for close to 15 hrs. After I got back to my ex b/f's dad's house(my ex b/f is the one that was getting high with me). I took a shower and sat on his couch most of the day tryin' to find a place to live because my mom had kicked me out. I called up a friend of mine and luckily she let me stay with her for about 3wks or so. I just moved into basically adult foster care home that I found and have been living here for about 4 days now(as of 10/1/06). I have been sober for 1 mo. now, but I don't know to make the urges stop. I don't want to use, but I don't want to deal with the struggles of the addiction. I need to know what to do so I don't use again. I can't go to meetings because I don't drive. I just don't know anymore, I suspect my ex of still using. I don't want to believe it though because I think I still love him. He goes to treatment and stays for about 1wk or so and then he gets kicked out and blames it on the people at the treatment center. I just don't know where I went wrong in my life you know. Here's a poem that I wrote one night after I had sobered up for a couple of mo. right before I relapsed. Just to let ya'll know so this poem don't confuse you I was 13 when I started pot, 14 for alcohol, 19 for crack, and 19 for meth. I'm now 23. If any one needs advice or can give me advice my e-mail addy is devil_lucky_lady@yahoo.com or sexycook22@hotmail.com which ever you prefer I have msn mesenger and usually I'm on yahoo messenger, but I have to down load it again. What ever you do don't give up. There are people out there that have it worse then us, so play the hand your dealt the best that you can. " Be true to yourself and the world will be true to you." If you want to read my other letter it's posted under the month of Feb.
--Beth from MN

Where has my life gone to
By Beth on 07/07/06

I woke up one morning not knowing what to expect, it felt like any other day so I lift. Headed to school at age 13 wondering what today would bring not knowing that my life had just left. I came home from school and it all seemed just fine, like any other day yellin' and fightin' all night. Tired of listening to it I wanted to escape so I turned to drugs not knowing how much more it would take away. Figuring anything would be fine to hide this pain. First it was pot and that was just fine then came alcohol and they both were great. Next came crack that didn't do much for my act. So, I stuck with the two I had before pot and alcohol my two best friends, then came dope(crank and crystal meth) I didn't need anything else I had it all and was at my best. Or so I thought what I didn't know was my life had left. Now 8mo. clean it's starting to come back, my life that is and soon the rest.

---

This is my story ... my letter to the world
   I found this site because I was doing speech about meth. I guess I don’t have a drug problem but I see addiction every single day when I come home and it makes me want to leave. I only have a few months to be trapped in this darkness. My mom used to be a speed addict to keep herself skinny. Now, years later, she is over weight and cannot lose the weight. She has migraines every day and takes excessive amounts of Excedrin (6 to 16 pills a day) and still cannot get rid of the headaches.
   Another person I should love has ruined his life over all drugs. I remember a couple years back he spent months abusing cough medicines (robotussion) some type of weed that people make a tea out of to trip, and various other things. He would stay on a trip for days. I didn’t know what to expect everyday when I came home (he had moved out at the time) every day when the phone rang I would jump and then cry in relief. Never before have I loved a sales person so much. I was afraid for him, to lose him, both by death and mentally. During this period in that house he used meth ( I am not sure how much) he came to my house. His eyes were bugging out his head all the veins in his hands poked out. He told he was going to kill someone and all I did was give him a glass of water. He never did kill anyone, thankfully. During this whole period of time he was really irritable towards people, he didn’t care, he fought everyone and everything. By the end of these months he ended up losing his job and had to move home because the few people in that house who didn’t do drugs moved.
   It took a long time to get him to settle down, it is all a blur now, but it was hard. He would snap at any moment but through all his promises he never stopped. He has always done weed. Then he found vodka and the day that followed will forever echo in my nightmares. He drank a half gallon and blacked out his hands reached for the closest thing possible and that happened to be me. He cut the phone lines. He told me he loved me while he pinned me down on the ground choking the life from me. As I tried to run he would tackle me. He threw me in his truck and drove to the store for cigarettes.
   I am bipolar so the events of that day sent me down a path of darkness which I still haven’t returned for. Every time I see him with a beer *he gave up Vodka and hard liquior when I am around* a feel chills and have flashbacks. The sad thing is he doesn’t remember it, he almost tried to deny it happened.
   He fell asleep and I locked myself in a room and waited for someone to save me. I cried, oh yes. Around midnight someone showed up with cocaine and tussin (Robotussion) and I did them both, I have no excuse for this action. I couldn’t think of another way to stop the pain I already felt. I guess I hoped it would make me forget also.
   Luckily, it was a one time thing for me. I never did either of those drugs again.
   I am not the person I could be. I don’t feel happiness and I don’t feel joy. I cannot love. People scare me. I don’t like going places. I don’t see the good in the world anymore. I almost made attempts to commit suicide on more than one occasion and it is all because of the addiction of almost all the people I live with and see everyday.
   I think I am a bad person for planning to leave them, not helping them. I have tried but all attempts fail because I am the only person who sees it. I have to leave my home and never come back to save my life. That is the power of drugs. It isn’t the high that has the power it is the repercussions of the addiction. I am attaching a poem that I wrote that life changing night …

   Burning in the silence of our answers
The truth left unspoken with the lies burning deep into our hearts
Burning into the secrets that should have stayed deep in the hole
And forever unknown but when the words are awaken
I don’t want to be the one the silence I broken over
Burning in a home written of lies, broken in cheat
I want to run into all eternity falling out forever
No more tears to be cried over this ground
Running away burning forever screaming my last silent sound

We are the ones holding you back
When we are gone you can run free
And in my eyes I saw you crying for your freedom
We were your job and your duty tied to the passion of seven moments
Your lies burn a hole in my life
And I wish you never told me the answers to the questions I never asked
And the tears flowed free before you really saw me
Beating into your frustration, abuse without a hit
All because no one spoke a word to say it was wrong
Maybe if they did I would feel so screwed
And it is all because of you
I thought of you as my hero and now I am fallen back to zero
I looked to you for all the answers your lies created nothing but
cancer
And I told you it was ok, another brick in the house built on lies
And I want to hate you burning me right through
I could never see you I am forever torn in two
In me I wish you could see a new hope

Burning in the silence of our answers
Trapped in a house built of lies burning with sins
It makes me want to cry but there is no where I want to hide
It breaks me in two to think I could ever hate you
Why did you tell me the answers to the questions I never asked?
Why was I the one to hold the truth
Couldn’t you keep it in you?
I want to run away but day after day I stay
There is no blade that could cut deeper than these words do
And I find my escape and I know someday
When I can fly you will to
Burning in the silence of our answers

It took many years to understand what everyone was doing. It drained an innocent childhood. Now, I know and I wish I could go back into the days when I was carefree.
--Fallen angel

   I visited this site for the first time today. I read many of the stories and confessionals. It is the same script over, and over and over again. I have a 22 year old that has detroyed his life being a meth addict. I am not going to give the details because you all know them. It is a repeat of of all the other heartfelt, heartbreaking confessions. All I have left to say is:

If you are spiritual, then this drug, above anything, is the work of the devil.
If you are non-spiritual, look at the ingredients:
A. Over-the-counter cold and asthma medications containing ephedrine or pseudoephedrine, red phosphorous, hydrochloric acid, drain cleaner, battery acid, lye, lantern fuel, and antifreeze are among the ingredients most commonly used.
Pure poison.

   Either way, it is the same end result. Our children our killing themselves. MY first born son is killing himself, and I have to sit back and watch. He now has a child on the way. This is a child that will grow up fatherless because my son will end up in jail or dead. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but anyone who found this website knows it to be true.
   For all of you that wrote your letters and stories, my thoughts and prayers go out to each and everyone of you. This is one of the few times in life that I am not comforted by the fact that there are others out there going through the same thing. I wish that I was not writing this to a single one of you....because that would mean none of us would be going through it.
--mullar

   I have no reason to be happy, yet I am. I am happy that I escaped the war. I no longer fight the battle everyday. Try as I might to help one of you, to show you the way out, my power does not compare to that of our enemy. The call of addiction screams in your ears, drowning out the cry of love from a family member, as it did me. You might be asking yourself  "When will it end?" or maybe your telling yourself "I dont want to be this way anymore!" these words maybe going through your head over and over, as they did me. I had no where to go, no one to talk to. Or so I thought, there's a whole world of support out there. Are you willing to look? I wasn't. They had to come to me. I had to let go of my pride, admit that I was a junkie, and ask for help. My Creator was listening when I asked for help, otherwise, I wouldn't be here. August 4 2005, thats the day my world changed, thats the day I will never forget. It was the lonliest day of my life, I had hit the bottom of a great canyon that is my emotions. I had gotten tired of running from them. The biggest battle I had was with myself, and my past. I stopped fighting crystal meth, I couldn't beat her. With every bit of strength I had, I broke down the firewall of lies, broke through the brick wall I had built around my heart, and finally, I was free. I have since not looked back. 14 months has gone by, and I have no reason to be happy, but I am.
--Damian

   I have been reading these letters for the last few days and I can't believe some of the things I read. Mainly because I never realised how many people this drug affected users as well as non-users. I am 19 years old and I am the family member of an addict, the friend of an addict, and an addict myself. This is my story.
   My first encounter with meth was when I was 14. This encounter included finding out that my best friend in the whole world, my sister, had just been arrested in New Mexico. Now I hadn't talked to her much in the last few months but I had just talked to her a few days before that and she seemed fine. Savana was the first one to ever get me drunk or stoned. We had a good time together and we told eachother EVERYTHING! When she started ditching school to hang out with the boys that got us our weed I was a "good" friend and covered for her. I didn't realise that she was more than just stoned when she would meet me outside the gates when I got out of school. She was always a hyper energetic person as it was. The need to always be doing something wasn't anything abnormal to me. I never noticed sleep problems or eating problems, beacuse we were still kids, just babies, I didn't even know what meth did to you I just knew I was supposed to say no if it ever got brought to me. When she stopped meeting me after school and I wasn't seeing any of our mutual friends anymore I called her and she said she was just busy or her mom found out she hadn't been going to school and she was grounded. It was always something but we were best friends so I always believed her. She had been doing meth for almost a year the first time she got arrested and that was just the start to a five year struggle to keep her apart of our lives. At 14 I learned quickly what meth was, what exactly it did to you, and how it affected your brain. To me it was the most disgusting thing in the world and the people who got my sister addicted were just as disgusting. For 5 years I always answered the phone when she called. I called the cops on her more than once. I took her to her mothers house when she needed a ride, and I was the first person she called everytime she got out of jail. But everytime she was gone again within a month. Meth was her life it was all she knew. She was like a ghost in and out of my life. I was a child trying to grow up and live but there was this person I loved who would disrupt me once every few months and I would get so excited just to have my hope crushed into the grounf once again. I swore to myself next time she called I wasn't leaving her i wasn't letting her walk away from me. I was going to be her reason to stay clean becasue I was never going to touch that nasty drug. Then on my 18th birthday she called. I had never been so happy as I was that day. She had been out of jail for about a week, and had waited 'til my birthday to call. I went a picked her up and we talked and went out we went to see old friend we had when we were in middle school. Everyone was so happy to see her, and as always she promised this time it would be different, she was around to stay. I can't say we honestly believed her but we wanted to so we forced ourselves to. She was so serious this time she wanted us to move in together so I could help her.......I agreeded.
   Let me tell you right now....if your loved one is an addict YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP THEM.....  (click to Continue this letter)

   Well hello my name is tracy and i'm a recovering meth addict, just let me say this i have come along way,, it will be 3 yrs in january 07 of being meth free, ,, i asked Jesus Christ to come into my life when i started on my walk and with out him i would have never of made it. he has opened doors for me that i could'nt never imagine, and when the craving pains come i meditate on his true word and believe. i have done some pretty bad things while out there on meth, i lost my girls, my job, i was dealing drugs, i ve stolen from my parents, and lied and lied meth turned me in to someth ing that i was not. one time i was up on meth for 8 days straight, this little man came out of the wall his head was large he had a nose for a pig, and he had a snout like a dog but when he spoke a tongue would roll out like a snake and his feet were huge; he told me to kill my husband he did'nt like him, he said to stab him and roll him up in a blanket and put him under the house and i was actually caring on a converstion with this creature, he said if i killed him and myself he would give me all the meth i wanted, i beleived him i went to the living room turned out all the lights and waited on my husband to come home when he walked in, he said what are you doing in the dark i told him i'm supposed to kill you, then he lo oked at me and said tracy you don't look right and he packed up all his stuff and our girls things and left me. after that i just kept on doing more meth,i started tweaking out real bad and ended up in the hospital from a meth overdose. and thats when a preacher came to see me and told me about jesus. i will never forget that moment for the rest of my life, i used to cry and cry over all the things i have done in the past, and all the hurt i put everybody through,i have forgiven myself and i asked for Forgiveness, now its just one day at a time for me, i decided to enroll in college and i'm proud to say i made the deans list 3 semesters in a roll and i'm going to be a junior, my major is criminal justice,and the field that i want to work IN is juviniles as a p robation officer. i;m so thank ful that i have a clear backl ground to full fill my goal. and last i know now there is no turning back for me,i can't go back but with, christ in my life and as my guide i'm going TO BE ALRIGHT. thank you
--Tracy

Nothing but Destruction-From the wife of an Addict
   First, I want to say thank you for this wonderful and powerful website. Although it is painful to read the stories and letters, it gives me hope and strength. I have been married to an addict for eight years. We married young and had our first beautiful child soon after. I knew Michael was an addict when I married him. He was an alcoholic who drifted between cocaine and marijuana. I was a naive party girl myself and thought that our love and dreams of our future would be enough to help him. For 6 years, we maintained a decent life, full of the typical ups and downs one can expect from an addiction influenced family. We separated several times, found ourselves in terrible financial situations, but somehow, we managed to pull it together and he managed to stay somewhat functional. He'd binge for days, I'd go through periods of doing coke and drinking with him, and then we'd have months of bliss.
   I've read some angry letters as well as loving ones here, and although I am angry at the current state of our lives and his actions, I still believe that he is one of the best people you will ever meet. I need to say that because I would never want anyone thinking ill of him. The story I am sharing will no doubt be familiar to some and what we all need to remember is our loved ones outside the confinement of meth addiction. Michael is a great father, husband, son, brother,uncle, employee, and friend. But "Michael" does not exist any more because of the shit they call Glass.
   After moving to a new state, Michael's drinking became more heavy right about the time we became pregnant with our second child. Before I knew it, he was moving out, saying he had found someone new. He left ten days after our son was born. That was nearly two years ago. I didn't understand it, I didn't see the signs. I hadn't even heard about meth. After being gone from our lives for 3 months, he became coming home, then leaving again. He brought meth over one day and told me it was like coke. I tried it with him. I did it with him every now and then. When I wouldn't, he'd leave again. We stayed int his state of transition for about a year, he'd move home, move back in with her, he didn't and wouldn't work, meanwhile, I lost a job because he never showed up to watch our kids. I was always the breadwinner and when I lost the job, life took an ugly turn. We had a car repossessed, I moved in with family, he moved back in with his girlfriend who he presented merely as "a place to stay" by this time. I got a DWI and a domestic violence charge. He was getting sicker and sicker and none of us, his parents or I, knew how bad it was.
   My guilt is so huge for partaking with him. I thank God everyday that for whatever reason, I credit my two beautiful children, I never let the drug get the best of me, I did not become addicted. I found another job and we got an apartment. I lost the job after two weeks. Michael wouldn't come home for days on end, leaving the kids and I at the house with no phone or car. When he came home, all he wanted to do was get high and have sex. Christmas was unbearable, i was so depressed. Our son's one year birthday came around and I was so ashamed of our life, we didn't even have family over.
   Finally, In March of 2006, Id had enough. by this time Michael had begun the typical check fraud that addicts find themselves in. He begged me to become a part of it and when I chickened out at the store, we fought badly. Our children were with us and I got out of the car, walked home, he took them to my parents house. I tried to die that night and ended up in a detox facility for 3 days. I had a BAC of .382 and meth and coke in my system.
   With no job, no clue of how our lives had taken us here, and no logic or reason to get him help, we willingly signed temp custody of our kids to my parents.
   From March to May, Michael got worse. He ran checks all day, leaving me at his dealer's house and taking his addicted girlfriend on "jobs" with him. I'd stay in hotels with him when he wanted me and then end up begging to stay on someones couch again because he left me again.
   The drug had taken him over and I was still blind. Couldn't understand why he was such a liar. Why he was so mean, why he hadn't seen our kids. Wondering where MY Michael had gone. I saw the kids every weekend for the most part. He lied about money, checks, the extent of his fraud, his girlfriend, his drug use...everything. He picked his arms for hours. He began shooting it and a week later, his girlfriend and he were in jail for forgery and fraud.
   He was there for a month, during which time, I felt so alone and helpless. I was living at his dealer's house, i was getting high, i wanted to bail him out, i didn't want to bail him out. I just thought if i waited there for him, surely 30 days clean would be all he needed and he would come out, go to rehab, and life would be fine again. I still didn't;t understand that Michael was destroyed and what effect this crap had on him.
   The day after he got out, he got high and was brutally mean to me. Thank God for my mother who told me to pack my things and wait for them to come get me. The next day, I was in another city in a women's shelter. I was also pregnant. Michael and I had planned on an abortion, but he never came through with the money. Pregnant, alone, and away from my kids, I found the strength to move forward despite him getting worse. He immediately went back to check writing, his girlfriend, his drug.
   He has since been in more trouble and is serving a 30 day sentence with work release. I have been out of the shelter for 2 months and have been working for 3. I have an apartment, a new found faith, I see my kids twice a month and talk to them everyday.They will be back with me when our oldest gets out of school for the year. I miscarried our third child, a little boy, at the end of August. God always has a plan.
   Michael, on the other hand, is worse than ever. He is violent with his words, he is still using during the time the corrective facility thinks he's working, he has begun shooting it up again, and until tonight, at this moment, I haven't honestly and completely realized that I will probably end up burying him someday soon.
   Beyond the deception, betrayal, anger, and pain of our life and his addiction, my greatest sadness comes when I realize I am helpless to rectify any of it for him. My children and I will go on with our lives as needed. We are healthy and mostly happy. I know Michael hates himself and his life. I know he wants it to be better. What I can't understand is why he won't or can't take the steps to do so. No amount of court ordered punishment (which has been NOTHING helpful and disgustingly disappointing), begging from me or his family, or bad days here or there will give Michael the peace he needs. That is my greatest pain. When I ignore his calls and attempts at reconciliation, my life is peaceful, but my guilt is unbearable. Why can't I help him? I am stuck between being so close to having a shot at a real life and my loyalty and love for him. He is a lying, thieving, heartless man....because that what meth does, it robs you of your soul. He said to me the other day that when he looks in the mirror he sees no reflection. Two days later he began injecting it again.
   The stories of recovery here are such a strength. The stories of death and despair are my biggest fears. Thank you everyone for sharing. This was difficult to write. Thank you for the website. If anyone can offer words of wisdom, please do so. Continue to love with distance, strive for sobriety, mourn your losses, and pray for our loved ones destroyed by this evil substance. Only God can save most of them and God can hear our pleas and tears. God Bless You all, I hope if nothing else, my story comforts someone out there going through the same thing, or better yet, speaks to an addict and is instrumental in their first step towards sobriety and loving themselves enough to forgive themselves and stay clean. Goodnight.
--Amberly

"Nothing In My Way"-Keane

A turning tide
Lovers at a great divide
why d'you laugh
When I know that you hurt inside?

And why d'you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say?
And why d'you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

A tell-tale sign
You don't know where to draw the line

And why d'you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say
And why d'you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

Well for a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
You're having such a nice time

For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
You're having such a nice time