Methamphetamine: Stories
and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
Continued from previous
page...
Let me tell you right
now....if your loved one is an addict YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP
THEM.....they need professional help. I thought I was strong enough, I
thought all she needed was to be surronded by friends and I was wrong.
She introduced me to her friend Aaron, he was introduced as the kindest
tweeker she knew. And I will back her up on that to this day. But I will
also say that he is most caring to those he knows. I have come to
realise he lied for her alot, he had me convinced he wouldn't get her
high because he was trying to stay clean himself. I was naive, I still
didn't understand what this drug did to people or how it controlled
them, I believed them both. He tried to tell me more than once not to
move in with Savana. We got to know ewach other very well. I was trying
to help him as well as her because they were such good friends. And I
could see that he was a good guy with a drug problem. He tried to be the
best he could and support he drug problem at the same time. He was
trying to tell me for so long that the two of them were using behind my
back without breaking her trust and just flat out saying it. But like I
said I was naive. Eventually he just told me. See I knew he was using
occasionaly still but I had no idea she was. When I confronted her she
told me that she was trying to get herself off slowly because she
couldn't do it all at once. I thought it was ok because she had a job
she was going to and a car she was paying for and we were getting a
place. I thought she finally had herself under control. Now because I
thought she was controlling herself I started to believe the drug was a
choice, that it couldn't control you unless you let. Slowly I became
curious about what it did to you, why they enjoyed it so much. One night
I left Aaron's to run to the gas station, Savana and him had already
told me they had gotten some for them that night and that it was just
because it was the weekend and she didn't have to work the next day. I
know they told me becasue they both wanted me around and they were
getting sick of hiding it from me, when I got back I told Aaron I wanted
to try it. His eyes got as big as an owls and Savana almost spit out her
water. I had never expressed any intrest in even seeing there dope much
less trying it. Aaron said no. We had become good friend s and he said
that he couldn't do it that he wouldn't do it I had an innocence that he
liked and he wanted to keep it that way. Savana on the other hand wanted
me to understand, I was her sister and this was the on;y thing we had
never shared with eachother. We managed to convince Aaron that because
of what I had watched Savana go through this would be a one time thing.
I had myself convinced of that as well. As soon as I took my first hit I
wanted more.
Aaron cut me off that night at 3
hits and I was spracked. But I just didn't quite feel as if I was
getting the real effects all I was doing was writing and I did that all
the time. The next day I went to work and I felt like crap. It most
certainly was not how I expected to feel. Savana later explained to me
that the dose I had been given enough to keep me up but not enough to
keep my high up throughout work and my body was coming down that was why
I felt the way I did. I had decided I didn't like the drug and that was
enough for me. A few weeks later an opportunity was presented to me
again and I didn't even think about it. I said yes thinking maybe this
time I would get high enough to last through the next day. Most people
say the first time you get high is what you chase. I chased the high I
got the second time. That night i ended up getting a throbbing headache
not being able to see straight and throwing up. Savana and Aaron were
freaking out. All I wanted to do was go to sleep but of course that
wasn't happening. I laid on the couch for about three hours crying and
drinking water that Aaron was practically having to force down my
throat. And suddenly I was fine. Well I thought I was I was tweakin' at
about 100miles a minute and I felt great. That was the high I chased
that was the high I wanted and craved. Don't get me wrong I was addicted
after the first hit I took. I thought about it all the time, I wanted to
do more, and if I could have said no the second time I would have. But I
couldn't, I didn't want to. And it was on......I had become what I
critizied Savana for being for so long.
Now at first it was everyother
weekend, when we would stay up to late with Aaron the night before and
be scared we wouldn't make it to work. And we didn't buy it he always
did. Then it became me and Savana wanting to be high so we would buy it.
Savana always called and I always drove because the more and more i did
it the more and more Aaron wanted nothing to do with me. He felt guilt
and disgust. See what we did was gave ourselves a cut off, when Savana's
boyfriend got out of jail we would stop. We still weren't doing it
everyday yet so we figured we could do it. Meanwhile we moved into our
apartment and partied alot. We would get high and and play it off
totally cool around friends. But eventually a friend of mine found out
what was going on and I denied to the core and got into a big fight. I
lost two of my best friends and the guy I was dating just so I could get
high occasionaly. When her boyfriend got out we did go clean. For
awhile. I craved it everyday and me and her couldn't be around eachother,
I spent alot of time with Aaron and stayed clean. This is the time that
I fell in love with him. About a month after Savana's boyfriend got out
he started screwin' up. One night while he was out and Savana was at
work I decided to get high with Aaron and his girlfriend. That same
night her boyfriend got pulled over in her car and ran. Twacked out as I
was I had to go pick her up and go look for him. From then on they were
on the run. They were lying to me about getting high, I was lying to
them. Everything was a mess, and I was about to lose my job. But I
didn't care as long as I was high.
Eventually me and Savana had to
come together before we lost everything we had. That was one thing was
even through the drugs the two people we always looked out for were
eachother. At this point I had lost both of my cars and and was facing
my mother everyday to go to work. I would use her car and go make my
drug runs. I would run him all over town. We were not even staying in
our apartment because I had already been approached by his parole
officer and our apartment was hot as hell. So now were living out of
hotels, I was calling in sick to work and telling my parents I was
going, there were tweekers living in our apartment but were not there so
it's ok. We got Savana's car fixed now, but we needed rent so he sells
it for $900 and an ounze. What a waste. He sold the ounze, bought more
with the money and promised he would sell it in time to pay rent. We
were 3 days late so i decided to just gonna bounce the check so they
don't evict us and we'll worry about it later. That was the beginning of
my debt. He started bangin'. We were being left at home. He kept us high
but we were not allowed to leave the house unless it is with him or for
him. Through all this Aaron called occasionaly, he was buying dope from
him. Aaron doesn't like or trust him but he bought from him to keep in
touch with us. He had the money to pay me back for rent, he also had my
cell phone and my dope. He left a hot house and got arrested. We were
screwed he won't release any property. The rent went through but I owed
my bank big time. I stopped my direct deposit because I knew we would
need the money for dope more than my debt. Aaron stopped calling, I had
no car, a job hangin' by a thread, no money, no form of communication,
and I wouldn't let my parents come close to me.
This is when things got really
bad. The day after he went to jail a few guys he had been dealing with
came by to collect a debt. Scared out of our minds and higher then kites
we explained our situation to them. Eddie, the head guy I guess, felt
for us. He needed a place to setup, we weren't hot anymore becasue
Bugsie was now in jail, so our place was perfect. He would wipe Bugsie's
debt clean and keep us taken care of if we let him setup business in our
apartment. DEAL...anything to stay high. There were credit cards spread
out on my kitchen counter, labtops in my china hutch, checkbooks on my
living room table, ID's in my room, and manufactured money in Savana's
closet along with the devices to do so. There was always a bowl being
smoked and I didn't care cause I was high. I had never been in this
situation before I had never been around so many illegal things in my
life, but I wasn't even scared cause my mind said as long as I was high
I was invincable. Before I knew it I was driving stolen cars and never
going to work. I called in all I could until one day I just stopped
going. My job called my parents house but when my parents tried to ask
me what happen I told them I already talked to my job that I slept
through my alarm and it was none of there business anyway.
Now Eddie had a brother named
Oscar. They were big, they were powerful, they dropped dope from the
sky, picked money off trees, and they took care of me and Savana. Eddie
was on the run from about 170yrs of prison time, and Oscar was to be
extradited to California if caught. They had children and they had wives
and we had families, but in my home all we had was eachother. They lived
with us and we were one big happy strung out family. A peice of advice
don't let yourself fall in love while your high. I was in love with
Oscar, Savana was in love with Eddie, in reality we were in love with
what they provided us. Now while out of jail Bugsie had gotten Savana
hooked on the needle. I didn't know until he was gone and a friend was
doing it for her so she wouldn't hurt herself. I didn't like it but what
was I gonna say about it. She was no longer just addicted to the drug
she was now also addicted to the feeling of a needle in her arm. It was
sickening but no more sickening than anything else going on in my house.
At this point there were about 8 people living in my tiny two bedroom
apartment. People were in and out at all hours of the night and there
were atleast 4 stolen cars belonging to us sitting in our apartment
complex parking lot. Its hard for me to explain this point in time cause
I don't remember much. But I vividly remember the one thig I will make
myself sick about forever. One of the girls living with us had her
daughter one weekend and we allowed her to come stay with us.
Unfortunatley that weekend was when things really blew up in our faces.
I had managed to keep my job because there was enough dope now to
keep me going. I would take 20 cents in my bra wrap it in a paper towel
in the bathroom and swallow it in the middle of my shift to make it
through the next half. I hated going to work but we needed money, always
needed more money, especially after an old friend ripped us off for $700
of our rent money. So everyday Eddie would take me to work and I was
always on time. And I always stayed the whole day. Except that weekend.
This little girl had gotten very attached to me, I was the only one who
would sit with her while her mom sat in the room for hours getting high.
Then her mom would come out and bitch because there were so many drugs
going on while her daughter was there. But you know tweakers the biggest
hypocrits you'll ever meet. I always called to check on things at the
house while I worked, this time Kim answered, the little girls mom, She
told me not to go home. She said that she had left for the store and
left her daughter in the care of Savana. When she got back she was not
allowed back up to the apartment because the cops had been to the house
because they randomly run plates in the lot and of course they saw Oscar
get out of one of the cars that came up stolen and come to our
apartment. And Eddie was not letting anyone in or out until he was gone.
This little girl was trapped in a house with a bunch of freaked out
tweakers afraid they were all gonna go to jail and her mother was
nowhere in site. I made up a horrible excuse and left immediatley, that
little girl had to get out of the house and so did we...all of us.
When I got there Eddie, Savana and Oscar were gone. Kim was taking
her daughter and said she would call me later. There was a note on the
table for me....it said something to the effect of...."Keep the lights
off, dope in the spot make it last 'til we get there, call Steven from
Ray's phone, try not to leave the house to much, we'll be back by
morning for you....Eddie says you should but you don't need to go to
work if you don't want to" I called they assured me they were ok, I
found the dope and it lasted maybe an hour. I was up for about a week at
this point and out of dope. I passed out. At one in the morning someone
was pounding on my door. It was Kim. I didn't want to let her in....but
her daughter was with her. I opened the door and let them in, there was
now a nine year old girl sleeping in my arms, and a tweaker bangin' in
my bathroom. This little girl had to go was all I could think. She
keeping me from enjoying my high. At the same time I felt so bad. The
next day Savana came back but not with Eddie. He had told her she needed
to get things together for the two of us so we could take off. Later
Eddie came back, but he needed to crash so him and Savana passed out in
her room. I kept watch and Eddie got me high. I felt amazingly better
even though my house was hot and for all I knew I could be arrested at
anytime, I didn't care. I was worried about Oscar though he took off to
get a car the night before while they were at the hotel and hadn't
returned. Later he did, he was frustrated and coming down. Needless to
say my house was hot but we were all coming down so we passed. When we
woke up there were cops all in the parking lot....we were stuck. So we
sat in the house and got high. So high Eddie decided he needed to pull
off a robbery. They sat for hours and planned it. When the time came
three of them left and gave Oscar a walkie talkie and told him to stay
with us. Talk about paranoia.
We sat around getting high and jumping at every noise that came out
of that walkie talkie. Finally they called. They were fine and at the
hotel. we jumped in a cab and went down there right away. Oh did me and
Savana get some cool stuff. I smoked that night but not to much for some
reason I was just really high I had been up for awhile. The next day
Eddie had a really bad feeling, so I called into work a few hours late
and took a cab instead of having him take me. After work I went home and
crawled into a ball on my couch and fell asleep. For the first time in
6month I was about to really experience what coming down was like. I
woke up and no one was back yet. I was out of dope. I started to tell
myself that's ok I don't need it i'll be fine and they will be back
soon. I got up to get ready for work and fell right back down. I
couldn't even see straight. And it hurt to move. I thought shit i'm
getting sick. So i called in sick to work figured it would go away. I
called Savana and talked to Eddie for the last time. Last thing he said
to me was this better be real F'n important. I told him just to know I
wasn't goin' to work and the house was claer when they were ready. He
said to lay low I'll be back for you soon. I laid back down but couldn't
sleep I felt like I was dying. I was crying and I was hungry but I was
throwing up anything I ate. My muscles felt like they were falling
apart. I was sweating to a point of being soaked. I felt disgusting but
showering was out of the question cause I couldn't move. I thought i had
the flu I had never been so sick in my life. I called Aaron, and he told
me not to be dumb that I knew in the back of my mind what was really
wrong with me but I refused to admit it. After everything I had been
through and was going through I still thought I was in control I
wouldn't admit the dope had a hold on me and it sure as hell wasn't
making me sick. He said to accept it to move on, he said no ones there
Steph save yourself right now, call your mom, get some help, I hung up
on him. I hung up on my best friend, a tweaker talking to a tweaker, he
was so full of guilt and so right that I couldn't take it. Before I knew
it I was tearing the house apart. Dragging my way through looking for
the dope that I knew was stashed somewhere. Then I crashed down again
crawled back on the couch and cryed myself back to sleep. Later Savana
came knocking on the door. When I looked out I saw a cop drive away. The
same cop that had been arresting her for years had just dropped her off
at home. Someone had snitched them out at the hotel and they had
aressted Eddie. Savana had no idea where Oscar was or if he would even
come back. But he did and he held me in his arms and he cried his
brother was gone for life. He got me high immediatley because him and
Savana both said I looked like I was about to die. as soon as I took the
hit I felt much better. The three of us were on our own now and things
were about to start goin' real down hill.
We pawned all the stolen goods, used the rent money for dope,
ripped many people off and spent all of our time trying to figure out a
way to get Eddie out. Savana called Aaron and he came to check on us. He
looked at me with such dissapointment and regret in his eyes. He to this
day says the way I looked made him want to cry. I have never met a
tweaker who could care for someone so much while high. He pulled me
aside and told me stop cashing checks to stop getting high. He reminded
me we were getting evicted and said it was time to give up and go home.
I looked him dead in the eyes and told him I was going to do what I had
to do to stay high and survive and going home was no longer an option.
And it wasn't, not to me, I had lost my friends, my family, I wasn't
trusted in my own home, my mother couldn't look at me without crying, my
dad would look in my eyes searching for some sign of his daughter. And i
wouldn't look at or talk to either of them. I just took there cars and
there money and left. We stayed as high as we could, the three of us
tried to stick together but Oscar was changing and Bugsie was able to
call Savana now. I caught Oscar cheating on me a few weeks after Eddie
got locked up. I was crushed but the only thing that was going to take
away the pain was the dope and he had it so I let him stay...WITH HER!
Everyday I dealt with them together for drugs. I allowed myself to be
disrespected in my own home everyday for drugs. At this point I had quit
my job and we were being evicted. The cops had been to our home twice
and people were watching us from all angles. In order to keep my parents
off my back I had a physical done and did a drug test. I agreeded to do
a drug test so that I didn't have to admit to what I was doing. As soon
as I got home I gave Oscar the key to my mom's car and told him to make
a copy. What I had done put us all in harms way and I had to take care
of it. I had also agreeded to go to my little cousins birthday party
that night. I thought it would be the last night I saw my family that
night. We were going to rip Savana's family off and take off in my mom's
car. I smoked a small bowl of nope, something that is sold as dope but
when ya smoke it you can honestly answer nope when someone asks you if
your high cause the shit was bunk. My chest started to hurt a little but
I blew it off. I started to walk to my cousins and reminded them to have
everything ready when I got back. On the way my chest really started to
hurt. I started to sweat really bad and I wanted to get high. I almost
turned around and went back I wanted to smake a bowl so bad. But I kept
going, even though I could feel myself getting really worked up. By the
time I got to my cousins my heart was going a hundered miles a minute
and I was sweating like crazy. I tried to play it off and did pretty
well until my cousin pointed it out to me that she wasn't stupid. I was
in the bathroom crying trying to throw up or do something to make the
pain stop. SHe was an addict and so was her husband and thank god for me
she knew what was going on. She tried for awhile to keep me calm and
keep my family at bay telling them I just really didn't feel good. She
convinced me to stay at her house that night and everyone left. I cried
for hours curled up in a ball not being able to breathe feeling like my
heart was popping out of my chest. I needed to go to the hospital. My
cousin called my parents and made me admit to them what was going on. I
fought it until I saw my moms face. I fell into her arms and bawled.
They called the cops on my apartment and only because Svana was like
there daughter too, and took me to the hospital.
Lying in a hospital bed doped up on legal drugs watching my father
cry and not knowing what to say, seeing my little brothers face when my
parents dropped him off at my aunts so they could take me to the
hospital, my whole family watching as I barely stood and walked to the
car, that's what it took for me to realise I was out of control. Things
were hard. I lived at my cousins. I didn't do anything. I still didn't
talk to my parents when I did we fought. I slept alot and for the first
few days didn't eat much cause it all went right through me food was
like a foreign object to my body. Then I started eating to much. I met
an amazing guy who wanted me to stay clean from the moment he met me. I
got back in touch with Aaron and we talked alot. He helped me through
some pretty hard nights. I was under 24hour watch. I went and got my
things from the apartment and wanted to have Oscar kick my cousin out
and get high. But i didn't I couldn't they all so mad at me cause the
cops showed up and it was my fault. I saw Savana occasionaly just to
make sure she was ok. I called my friends and as we had always done with
Savana they welcomed me back with open arms. eventually I got a job then
lost it, got another one then quit. I was so responsible before and now
I couldn't even keep a job. I cried myself to sleep every night cause
all I wanted was to get high. I felt like things were so much harder now
even though they were getting better. I still feel that way sometimes. I
eventually moved back in with my parents because my cousin has kids and
lives with her mom and my aunt couldn't handle my depression any more.
The guy I met started backing off a little. I think I was a little to
much for him. Aaron cut off contact with me. He started bangin' and
dint' want it to screw up my recovery. My friends tried but they just
didn't get why I was so dpressed all the time. It started to get hard
for them to handle me. I was trying to see Savana on my own all the time
just to try and catch the opportunity to get high. But I always got
busted. I wasn't me anymore even though I was off the drugs even I could
see that. And now not only had I lost all real connection I had with
anyone in my life I couldn't speak to Aaron anymore Savana was still
gettin' high and I was having trouble sleeping through the night. I was
depressed to say the least. Eventually Savana freaked out and called her
mom to come get her. She moved back in with her mom and with supervision
we were allowed to start talking again. I had been clean for 1 month the
first time me and Savana got high again. Just an occasional thing. The
place that we were so safely hanging out at turned out to have an addict
living in it. We would get high with her occasionaly just to take the
edge off what the two of us were feeling. Eventually we got ahold of
Aaron. He needed us. We were his family. Savana his sister me his best
friend. I knew for my own good I should stay away, but I love him with
all my heart, and I always find it hard to walk away. When we started
hangin' out with him again it was on. We were all at home we were all
tricking people into thinking we were clean, but we were all gettin'
high together. One day the two of them disappeared while I was at work.
But only Savana came back. They had gone to Idaho Springs for Aaron's
dad's birthday. They had been pulled over and the guy who was driving
ratted on Aaron to save himself. They hauled him away. I was crushed. Me
and Savana continued to get high with Casey. I was doing it in the
bathroom while Savana distracted our best friend Brandi. We were
managing to get high and keep our friends. We would quit soon before we
lost them is what we told ourselves. But that's not what stopped us.
Savana found out she was three months pregnant about two months ago and
we have both been clean ever since.
I have since had to try and give up Aaron. He just got out of jail
about a month ago. He did well for awhile. Until someone got ahold of
him and he did it just that one time. I tried to help but he is gone
again. And he will end up back in jail agin. I face this everyday. I
can't be around the drugs. I have to stay strong. Savana helps me do
that. And I help her. We went to see him and he did a deal in front of
us. An unexpected one but as a natural thing he didn't think about the
fact we needed to stay clean. Me and Savana drove home shaking and her
in tears. It was hard but we walked out without getting high. We've
discussed it since and it crossed both of our minds how we could keep it
from one another.Yes Even with her being pregnant she thought about
it....she's an addict. What kept either of us from doing it? The thought
that the other needs to stay clean and how we are going to do this
together. I struggle everyday still. In a year my life flipped upside
down and is struggling still to turn back around. I didn't want to
quit......sometimes I still don't. I think of ways I could be a
functional tweaker. I have days I have tried to get it unsuccessfully.
But it always comes down to whats besst for me? What do I really want in
life. And I want my life the way it was. I lost my family, my friends,
my job, my apartment, my car, my first love, and myself. I lost myself.
That's the hardest thing to say two months later and I am still trying
to remember who I was or who I am now. I cry almost everyday at the
change in my friendship with Aaron. At the fact that I can't see my best
friend anymore and I can't help him like I used to because I can't say
no. I push through everyday and it always seems like the days just keep
getting harder. Me and Savana cry alot, she's depressed and our best
friend spends all her time with us because she loves us so much she
would rather watch us be depressed then have us getting high. That's not
fair to her. I conjure reason to go get high in my head everyday. I tell
people i wanna be clean but sometimes I really dont. That scares me more
than life itself. The times I want to be high, the times I resent my
family for forcing me to be clean, those are the times I hate myself
too. I hate wanting to be high, I hate the feigning, and the withdrawl.
But I want my life back at the same time. I just wanna know when it
ends. When it get easier. When do I get to have Aaron back. When does
the pain go away? I am the family member of an addict, the friend of an
addict and an addict myself but I can stay clean and I will, and so can
you!
--ST
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