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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

  I am a recovering meth addict.i was reading some of the stories that people had wrote and it was all so familar to me. I started using in december of 1994. I only used on the weekends and eventually some years later i was using about every day.My husband and i got in way over our heads and before we knew it we lost our kids,our home..everything we loved and held dear in our heart was just gone. I went from being at home with my kids 24/7 to after i got out of jail to an empty house .Where i once heard the yelling,fighting,the laughing,and the sound of my 4 childrens feet pitter pattering across the floor,it was total silence and it was the most horrible feeling i have ever experienced. I loved my children with all my heart and i lost them because i put my drug before them. They were put into foster care,luckily all 4 children were not seperated and they were now with my ex mother-n-law. my husband and i both had to do drug screens 3 times a week for 5 months.We were only allowed to see our children 1 time a week for 1 hour and that was torture on all involved. We did get our kids back and we stayed drug free,but what gets me is how society,the justice system looks at us addicts like were scum and no good when some of their own are addicts themselves..i wasn't always an addict and i didn't wake up one morning and say to myself "i think i'll turn my childrens lives upside down".. we have a disease one that you can't cure but one you have to struggle with every single day for the rest of our lives.Does it get any easier? I think sometimes it does but other times like in a bad situation it makes it hard ,for me it did because when times got tough i wanted to run and get high so bad,i did slip e few times and there were times i bought it and just held it in my hand and cried because for the life of me i couln't understand why i calledit"my own little demon". Iknew what the problem was i just didnt know how to beat it,i felt that god kept putting me through this same situation,like putting me to a test over and over and i was so mad because we both knew i was going to fail,,what i think helped me alot was that every time i felt like using i thought of my kids and that serenity prayer saved me numerous times. I'M glad there is support groups for people who are addicts because in that group your with people who is just like you,who understand and don't judge you because each person in the group has a story to tell mabe like yours,maybe worse.You don't feel alone like some out cast. thank you for listening and evev though i skipped alot of details in my story it still helps to talk about it .
--Stacy

A Story of Hope
   Dear Meth User, I write this letter very close to the anniversary of the first and last time I used meth. I spent two years of my young adulthood as an IV meth addict. I remember reading the letters on this website back then and crying my eyes out, incredulous at the power this drug had over so many people. I used meth nearly every single day during those years. I would spend almost a week at a time awake and then pass out unconscious. Nothing could wake me.
   I write this letter directly to anyone who is addicted to meth. The details of my addiction and how I started using really aren't all that important. What I would like to tell you is that it had been five years since I quit and I will never use meth or any other drug again.
   I firmly believed that I could never, ever quit using meth. I thought I'd never be able to function or be happy again. I was a shell of my former self: lost, terrified, alone. I thought the absence of meth in my life would be a fate worse than death.
   I'm here to tell you that it's NOT true. You can recover. It does get better. You can quit and go on to find the place in the world that was meant for you because it's not this. Don't spend one more hour, nor minute, nor second of your life lost in a frenzied, meth-filled day or spun-out glazed over night. Understand that when your whole life has been reduced to a bag of powder, a pipe, or needle and a spoon that you are not really living at all. You deserve a second chance. You deserve as many chances as it takes to get free of this drug that wastes you, enslaves you, and ultimately destroys you.
   I look back on the time when I was addicted with much sadness and regret. I don't crave meth, I don't wish I had it around, nor the people that came with it. I used it to kill my feelings and I have realized to have feelings is to experience life. To use again would be to turn my back on every thing that I love.
   Choose life. Have the courage to live without it. The decision to quit is yours but it will be a decision you won't regret.
--DrugFree

Feb. 21 2006
   Reflecting. On my life then, and the life I have now. All that time wasted on point-less things. Every breath taken, one more nail in the coffin, so many nails i have to take out now! It was time wasted, or it could be a 6 year lond lesson. All those years to be able to write one paragraph of words to express what I had learned from my experiances. That prayer we all know so well... serenity,courage&wisdom. It has come to be for me. My truth has come forward, into the light. Where was the darkness? I cant ever forget where it was, my mind, body, and soul. Darkness is only the absence of light, hate is the absence of love. Using meth is the absence of the soul. Lifting myself up out of the darkness and into the loving hands of the creator to guide me on my jouney, to take the problems that I cannot handle on my own, to show me how to live in the way that He wants me to. He knows whats best for me. I have faith in him, and He has faith in me to do what I can and flow with the rest. I handle mine and they handle theirs, I have remember that. Everyonce in a while, a hand will reach out from hell, I'll be there, I'll do what I can. I must be wary of the ones that reach out that just want to pull me back down. Misery likes company.The courage to do the things that make me nervous, express my feeling, my desires. To be part of the solution. The strength to hold my head up with TRUE pride and say "I'm Free". the strength to go on to the future, to make the dark into light, hate into love, pain into joy, frowns into smiles, and frustration into acceptance. The love to look at my past and say "it doesnt matter anymore!" to look at the newcomer and say "welcome, you are no longer alone" to look in the mirror and say "I Love You" and mean it! A work in progress, progress through life, towards one ultimate gift: perfection.
To all those who might not have heard these words in a long time:  I love you!
--Damian

  My fiance and I have a 1 year old son. We trusted a wrong guy. This guy wanted to bring out some boxes and we never thought anything about it. Well, about a month later, my fiance actually got sick from the smell from a burning barrel and called it in. Well, now my fiance is getting charged with something he didn't even do. I want this on the site so people knows it effects everyone, even if you don't know it.
--Kira

Stuck in the effects of meth
   Hi I am a 27 yr old mother of 2 daughters a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. My husband is a Meth user and we are going through a divorce. It started about 9 months ago. Very slow at first. He is a Area manager of a big corporation Has his vehicle paid for him by the company a big shot. He was able to shoot up to the top in 4 yrs at the age of 27. It was awsome but somewhere in there he started using meth. He started saying he had to work late I knew that they demanded alot of him. Then I found out he would get out of work at 8:00 and be somewhere else till 9:30. Sometimes I would find him other times no. I thought he was just partying till one day he left his cigeratte box on our bed and I picked it up to put in his dresser for my daughters don't even know what cigerattes are. I opened it to see how many he had smoked in one day because of me worrying about his health. Inside I found a Meth Pipe I had never seen one before but I'm a very street smart person and knew instantly what it was. We argued about it he told me a lie that it wasn't his. Then someone approched me at church and told me that my husband was doing meth at work. I didn't keep it a secret I went strait to the people who raised my husband and spilled we all sat down we prayed and he promised he would never do it again that lasted for a month he went back to his same routine but now he was blaming me that I was controling that I never let him do anything. Some days I would believe when other days I wouldn't The next time I found a meth pipe on him christmas day 2005. We got up early opened presents so the baby and James took a nap after he got up after his nap and I was fixing the bed when I found a meth pipe in the bed it looked almost new which accounts for the 8.00 dollar purchase on my bank statement that I couldn't account for. It got worse him lying and on Feb 2 I made dinner he was on his way home should of been home within 5 min this was at six then 6:10 and 6:20 and 6:30 and so on he never came back again. I didn't see him for 5 days then he told he wanted a divorce and it was me that destroyed our marriage. I was upset for a week when I finally pulled myself together and have been moving forward with bumps in the road but with gods good grace. James still pays for all my living expenses sleeping on the floor of a friends house who wants to kick him out because hes just a pot head not a meth addict. When did morals get involved right. But he borrows money from girls he misses around with so that he can still take care of us. On some days I feel very bad for them they don't deserve it any more than I did.. I know the money is only temporary he will eventually lose his job and that will effect us greatly I start a job in 10 days I haven't worked for 6 years. But I think we will be ok. Its only been a month but it feels like a life lived long ago especially when I look at family photos and there we were a family. Meth has destroyed are family it is the devils drug of choice. It has made my husband turn his back against god me my kids and his family. I pray for him and I pray for me The devil might have won my husband but for me and my kids we will serve the lord Greater is he who is in me then he who is in the earth. To all of you who are affected don't give up I still to this very day love my husband and will never stop praying for him to be delivered from this horrible drug. But we do have to move on if the situation cannot be restored if not for ourselves then for the most important things in our life our kids and family.
--Tanya, Crushed but lost

   Hi my name is Brenda and I have been an addict for say 7 years heavy .I have always said that I control the drugs not that the drugs controled me. It's hard to stop when the man you live with won't and you try to do it only as recreational ,when you have the money. I had my own Business and I stopped painting houses.I can't go around my customers like that and I told Bill as long as he keeps doing,I won't work. Dec of 2004 was my last job.I used to be pretty my teeth are falling out not only because of the habit( I don't do it if I don't go around his brother, that's the only place he goes to or to see other addicts. I gave up my home to live with him. He was more of a friend than a lover. For 2 yrs now my clothes have vanished ,shoes that are new something like it replaced with old or worn, furniture, pots & pans, work shoes replaced with 1 a size 10 1/2 & the other 81/2. had new clothes ,replaced with old, sleep beside him one night had cut corner of my eye to my chin and what woke me was about an inch near my chin was deeper. He couldn't understand why i didn't feel it.I have steel plates around my eye from a car wreck. All kinds of weird things that I could write a book about. But we do own the mobilehm and 1.42 acres and I think he's trying to make it look like I'm crazy. My equipment is missing ladders etc. and every time I get a camera or tape recorder it gets broken .Everything I own is broken now and Ive always took care of what I have. I don't buy drugs. he was spending sometimes $2000.00 a month on. But he quit helping me ,I'm lucky if I get $20 a month. I'll write again . I don't know who to talk to and this is my home, and he won't leave and I think someone he knows got busted and they are trying to make it look like I'm selling. To much happening, disappearing, trying to kill my cat .How is it that someone would go to all this trouble to drive 1 person batty. what kind of evil would help make it look likes your the crazy one .I'm the victim not him but I don't think before I fly off the handle. I have been driving with no brakes for 2 months and everytime I let him use my car .something go wrong with it and I think they are taking parts off my car. One day I went to go see my daughter and I was going around a curb and thank god no one was in the left lane .I had no control any way loved the poem love affair. And I quess that his woman. Take care
--Brenda

   After reading the submissions from other people I feel compelled to try and add my bit to the list as I have found it very useful to read and be reminded of the reasons not to begin using again. I had a relapse a few weeks ago and caught myself thinking that I would be able to handle it this time just so I could get high and feel better about my life for a while.
   For those of you who don’t understand this addiction all I can say is pray to god you will never find out the hard way.
   I have destroyed many lives with my addiction and have created monsters of people who were my friends. With Meth there are no happy endings, just endings, of lives, relationships and families. It took the suicide of a close friend who was a Meth user for me to be able to see what I was doing was wrong. I wish it hadn’t taken that but it did. Now I have to live with the people and family she left behind. Not a day goes by I don’t think about what happened, I guess that is one of the things that helps keep me clean.
   I don’t go out much incase I meet a Meth user; if I have to go out I keep to myself, no new friends as you just cant tell who is into it., I have used on 4 occasions over the last two years and all at times when an old friend shows up at the wrong time. I know that if it is near me or I see it or someone using it then I will have no control to stop myself. I just have to accept that and do what I can to avoid an “incident”.
   Never been to prison or rehab but I think getting away form your scene is the only way to go. When I first gave up I moved to a place where no one would bother me for about 9 months and only used once when I foolishly thought I would be ok and went back to town to visit. It is hard to cut yourself off, all I can say is that you have to want a better life.
   Good luck and be strong, you can get through it, but you have to want it bad enough.
--James

   I moved to San Diego with Jarod back in 2000. At the time he and I had only used weed and alcohol. I remember the first time meth came into our life. I was working the overnight shift and Jarod came in to see me at like three in the morning. He was wide-awake and very excited about everything. I asked why he was so awake at this hour? He said he had smoked marijuana laced with meth. He found out about the meth after he smoked it. Of course, I was curious. He said he felt incredible, he seemed so happy and excited and awake! He wanted me to try it too. Two weekends later, we bought our fist teener and sniffed it together. We went to sing karaoke. We had a great time. We stayed up all night talking. It seemed to bring us closer. We started using on the weekends, but we kept it a secret at first. Looking back, we should have kept it this way. Once our friends found out and we found out they used too, things took a downhill turn. We would get together and use all night and all day and all night. We egged each other on. We would geek out for hours on the stupidest things. I would go shopping by myself and come home with loads of stuff I didn't need. I enjoyed opening up all the new stuff I bought. I would entertain myself for hours with the new "stuff". After we had been using for about a year with our karaoke friends, we met Lae. I don't remember how we met Lae, but he introduced us to smoking from a pipe. He also sold us the shit for awhile. He hung out at our house constantly. And then his friends started hanging out at our place constantly. Jarod and I grew farther and farther apart. We had started using because it brought us together but really it drove us apart. He felt so distant from me, I felt so alone. He would stay up all night with his friends. He never ate. He never slept. I realized I was addicted and tried to cut back. I would wait till I needed to smoke in the middle of the night and instead of smoking I would 'fall out' for a few hours. When I woke up again, I was spun already. I didn't need to smoke more, but I did. We moved to a new apartment because our landlord threatened to evict us. Jarod's car got impounded. We let them keep it because we would rather buy more shit. My car got repo'd. We got it back because without it Jarod couldn't make money to get more shit. It was repo'd twice. I lost my job - they said it wasn't working out. Jarod started doing network consulting for a financial corporation in San Diego. That's very scary thinking back on it now. He was working on computers for a major corporation and spun out of his mind almost all the time. When he wasn't spun he was crashing, which is even worse. You can't think when you are crashing. Before I lost my job, I remember going on lunch break. I would drive to a neighborhood and park my car. I would smoke in my car, getting high before going back to work. We had made this contraption of rubber tubing that you attached to the pipe to inhale, so you could light the pipe out of sight to passersby. I used to smoke in the public bathroom at work, thinking no one could smell it or see the cloud. It is no wonder I was fired. All of our friends smoked. The saddest to watch was Corey. We met him singing karaoke. He was a great guy - so full of life and energy. All the girls loved him. Jarod and Corey became best friends. Partners in crime. They went "dumpster diving" in industrial areas of San Diego almost every night. I joined them a few times. We came home with our "treasures" eventually filling up our entire apartment with useless crap. Granted, some of the things we found were nice, but the majority of it was useless crap. My imagination would take off when I smoked and I would imagine all of the great things I could do with this useless crap. We stopped going out except to go dumpster diving or exploring thrift stores. We never went to the beach. We never went out to dinner. We never went to the movies. I ate once a day, once a night - Albertson's chicken made me feel the best when the meth had my metabolism going so fast it felt like my body was eating my bones. I drank lots of water; I was always thirst - and sweating. I got down to a size four, size three; I could see my hipbones and my thighbones through my legs. All of my ribs showed. When I looked at myself sideways in the mirror I was less than 6 inches front to back. And I actually tried to eat! Jarod and Corey were worse. Jarod went from a healthy 220 down to 160 lbs. Corey looked like a skeleton of his former handsome self. We were very sick. Jarod and I ran out of money finally and decided to sober up. When we stopped smoking it seemed like we would never experience happiness again in our life. I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. After about two weeks I smiled. I started to feel better. Corey was still using. He came over and he was a wreck. I cried and told him I missed the old Corey. The Corey we met singing karaoke. He left. We found a note on our garage door saying goodbye. We thought it was a suicide note. I thought I made him kill himself. Two months later he called. He was in Washington. He was sober. By this time Jarod had started using again. I was still clean but Jarod was up all night and geeking out down in the garage with Lae all night. I felt so alone upstairs in our apartment that I used that as an excuse to start using again myself. I know it was no excuse. There are no excuses for using. But I used anyway. New Years Eve - we decided this would be our last 8ball. I smoked and smoked and smoked. I thought surely I would overdose. I would rather die than quit. I didn't die, we didn't quit. Jarod called his mom. We needed help. We decided to move back to Minnesota. That the only way we would be able to quit was by leaving. I didn't want to leave. We left. February 9th 2003 - the last time I smoked meth. Jarod and I separated shortly after we returned to Minnesota. We are both sober. I try to stay in touch with him. I still wonder about the what ifs. What if we had never tried meth? Would we still be together? Were we ever really happy? Were we always running from ourselves and meth became the answer? I guess we will never know.In the three years I have been clean I have made great strides for myself. I have cleaned up my credit, paid off my car - the one that was repo'd twice. I have held down the same job for two and a half years. I am working on my BA. I have a nice apartment on my own and drive a new car. The cavities in my teeth have all been removed, along with five of my upper molars. I am 31 years old and saving money for dentures because I can't afford dental implants. Soon the only scars that will remain are mental scars. I don't want to forget these scars. Remembering keeps me sober. Never forget what you went through to get to where you are now. My best advice is this. You CAN quit. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Disassociate yourself from any and all users. Take life one step at a time. I never imagined three years ago that I could make it this far. I did it one step at a time. One goal at a time. Dig deep within yourself. You really can quit.
--Jessica

   Hi my name is well, just call me Batman. I am once again higher than a 747 jumbo jet. I started 2 do meth again mid june of 2005, the reason was so i could stay awake at work. I drive a 95,000 pound truck and pup and work an average of 75 hours per week, which dont leave much time 2 sleep. I was getting at most maybe 4 hours per night and that just wasnt enough without help. I started falling asleep at the wheel, I finally decided that I needed 2 find an old friend of mine, that friend is the METHod man. it all went smooth 4 awhile until one morning. I had just got a full load of sand put on my truck, I was making a right turn on a newly plowed sand road. I watched my mirror till I saw my trailer was around the turn, so i took my eyes off the mirror and focused 2 the front of me when all of a sudden my truck stopped dead in its tracks. It fely as if I was just stuck like i had been many times before. I wa getting out of my truck 4 help getting unstuck when i saw in my mirror that the trailer was on its side. The road had collapsed under the weight of my truck, thankfully nobody was injured, that made me think real hard, What if that would have hapeened on the highway and i would have hit a vehicle with a family in it? That was it, i quit going 2 work. I continued getting high but at home, avoided my boss who was a great friend 2 me. I finally in december decided that i should stop using, my boss forgave me and let me keep my job, went back 2 work for a day after i recovered and when payday came i decided 2 get high one last time. I got high and then waited about 3 weeks before i got some again, only this night was the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life. It was January 13, 2006, I went to my friends house and scored and hung out there 4 awhile, then i got a call from my aunt telling me that my grandma whom i was very close 2 was at the hospital in very critical condition. She had been diagnosed with cancer early 2005. well in december they had told us she had 6 months 2 live so i didnt worry at that point yet. I went to the hospital 2 see her and for some reason when i got there i ws no longer high, anyway a fight broke out with some members of the family and i was asked 2 leave 4 raising my voice 2 try to get there attention 2 stop the fighting. The next day they said she had stabilized and sent her back 2 the nursing home. Well i was relieved, so i went and smoked it up. that saturday i was planning 2 visit with her at the home, well i never made it up there 2 see her, I chose 2 go out with a gorgeous woman whom i had liked for sometime, we went to the bar and she had an argument with the father of her child and i decided to call and give him a piece of my mind, well she got angry with me and started talking 2 another guy at the bar. I was extremely hurt by this, so i put on my sunglasses 2 hide the tears and tore out of there, was doing every bit of 90 mph thru town onto the interstate then thru town some more, well the dark glasses impaired my vision not 2 mention the booze and meth, i saw my turn at the last minute and hit the brakes and whipped the wheel and my car went out of control, i saw a pole coming at me fast so i tried to control it and managed to miss the pole and slid into a parking lot about half of a block from my friends house, i looked around 2 make sure i didnt hurt anyone and of course for police then proceeded 2 my friends house. When i arrived there i was already upset and someone picked a fight with me and i blacked out, i didnt hurt him and another friend clled my wife and she picked me up, she had just got me calmed down and almost asleep when the phone rang. It was 5:15 a.m. and it was my aunt on the phone. I knew right away what had happened, my grammy whom i love with all my heart had died. I lost it again and finally went 2 sleep, I stayed sober thru her funeral and then i was back at it again now worse than ever. for some reason i cant seem 2 get over her death and now the only pain relief is meth, if i dont have some when i wake up in the mornings i wake up almost drowning in a pool of my tears. I have a wonderful wife and 3 awesome kids that love me more than i can even imagine, still even that dont stop me. I can go thru 7 grams of meth in a 24 hour period by myself, it is killing me seeing how it hurts my wife and kids so much so i choose not 2 come home most of the time that and i dont want them 2 be around the dope. It has an unbelievable grip on me now and i dont know what 2 do, I cant stop, even when i want 2. I never planned 2 be high when she died, i thought i would be ok but i am not. i used 2 call her first thing when i woke up but all i get is a recording saying the number is no longer in service!!! What the fuck can i do to make this nightmare stop? Love dont seem 2 cure it, there are times when i get sick of the shit and want to flush it but for some reason cant do it. My mom and my baby brother also use and at one point i was able 2 stop 2 try and help my brother and now i get high with him, he is losing it and i am afraid for him too and still cant stop the urge i have!!! it is like a force that is driving me 2 use this shit 2 make the pain stop. If anyone who reads this and has any suggestions please tell me, I am willing 2 try almost anything 2 break free from this hellish grip meth has on me. Thanks for reading my letter,
--I am Batman

I almost lost it all
   Hi I am a 35 year old wife and mother of five and I used Meth for the first time a year and a half ago. Having five children and a husband became so demanding. My husband and I were having problems and the stress of feeling like I'd lost him (the only person in my life who saw me as a beautiful creature created by God and sent to him) made me even more exhausted with my day to day task. I was deeply depressed and beat. I started taking diet pills for weight loss, but after a while because they gave me so much energy found myself taking them for that purpose only. I was still sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Feeling like the weight of my life and the world was going to kill me.
   I was sitting at my desk at work tired and crying when a so called friend ( who was in an executive position at the company where I worked) came over. She asked what was wrong and before I knew it I blurted the whole story out to her. She told me that she had something that would help. She lead me to her car and introduced me to the darkest descent into hell I could have ever imagined. After that we would smoke on occasion when I needed that pick me up again, between those times I would buy my co workers diet pills to fill in the gaps. I lost time and memory but couldn't admit that this drug had taken hold of me. I was spending money like it was water and lying and hiding it from my husband.
   I always considered myself to be a good wife and mother, no one could have ever told me that I would be using a narcotic drug for energy and after a while for the pleasure of not having to deal with my life. I began to use more offen with this co worker because as she put it " I don’t see how you can make it without it." I lost my oldest son to his biological father one year after his younger brother had already gone. My mother and sister in law were pretty much the only women in my life that I could talk to without feeling judged. I spoke with them in deep detail regarding my husband and me. Things that never should have been shared with anyone accept him, and yet they knew nothing of my dealings with this drug. I got involved with another man on my job who was also married. For over a year my husband knew nothing of this or the drug and for five months he and I worked at the same company.
   My life was in shambles and the saddest thing was that I knew the Lord, and I knew that he was not pleased. One afternoon after leaving work early (because I was so aigitated with my co workers) I came home to my husbands deserning mind. He'd known something was wrong with me but had no idea the degree of what I'd done. And I had no idea how I was going to tell him. Well he managed to get the affair out of me. Which lead him to question everything else about me and my motives. I'd spun myself into a twisted web of deceipt and I had no one to blame but myself.I walked out of our beautiful home the next morning and into another hell. I called back and told him that I was leaving ( with our three remainig children) him and would not be back. I moved into a friends house who had no heat and not much else. My kids and I slept on air mattresses and that was the most that I'd slept in over a year.
   One night after I hadn't used in a while I remembered the week before I'd gotten some from my supplier (the person on my job who'd introduced this demon to me). I went outside and smoked it. When I came back in my husband called and told me that he was in the neighborhood and wanted to come and see me. I told him how to get to the house but didn't realize I was high until he was pulling into the drive way. He came in and immediately knew something was wrong but still had no idea that it was drugs. He thought I was hiding that man in the house.
   The next morning I woke up and spoke with my husband about working this job that was so far away from our home which had exposed me to this affair and although he didn't know this BEAST. I called and quit my job, and went to the car wash to clean out my van. I found the pipe and threw it out with the rest of the GARBAGE. I haven't touched it since, but I have no respect for myself, and can't expect anyone else to respect me because of what I've done. I have almost cost my husband his business and although my children don't know anything, I know what I potentially have done to them. I hate myself for all that I have done and don't know when or how long it will take before my self respect and dignity are restored. All this because I needed to get more energy, because I was too much of a coward to talk with the only man I have ever loved about my pain.
   I finally told him about it and he was the most understanding loving man that I've ever known.
   How could I allow myself to become some other mans whore and this drugs bitch. I needed it though, if I didn't get what it could give to me I wouldn't have enough time in the day to get everything done that I needed to do. What a BIG LIE. I have been away from it for almost two months and I thank the Lord that I don't struggle with cravings. I am however, struggling to get through the havoc Meth has brought over my life. I cry constantly and my husband is in so much pain until I could just kill myself for what I've done to him. For any mother who thinks this is the answer PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me, it has no answers, only more questions and concerns. Find another way to manage your time. Meth doesn't give you time it takes time away from you.
   I still feel that I will loose him and I feel its what I deserve for what I've caused so don't take this road please. I have constant head aches and my hands shake all the time. My 3 year old is always asking me whats wrong and if I am ok. If he only knew!!!!! Appreciate life Mothers and Wives, and love and family. Be grateful for the things that you are blessed with. For the first time in almost two years I am not numb and the pain is so much greater than it was before I started using, not to mention the tragedies that I brought through my use. Trust God and his joy will be your strength. I know that God hasn't put more on me than I can bear, its just extremely hard getting through it. But I am encouraged and I am a fighter, I fought for the drug and now I am fighting to live after it!!!
--Monica

The Honest Truth About Meth
   I am the mother of a 23-year-old meth addict. My son began using meth about 3 years ago, before meth it was pills, pot, and alcohol. I tried everything to change him and correct this problem. I took him to a counselor, put him in a private school, quit my job to chase him around and made sure he did not use, I also divorced my husband because I thought he was part of the problem. There is really nothing else for me to do, I have done it all and seen it all. Of all the drugs my son has used meth is has been the most devasting. The things that meth users do are unbelievable. I do not share my story with many people because you would have to live around this craziness to really believe these things actually happen. The first time I was around his meth use was when he was in my home and he started telling me people were after him and that they kept riding by our home. I had never heard of such foolishness. He opened all the curtains in the house and he kept looking out the windows. The next thing he started telling me was our phone was tapped and he needed to work on the phone downstairs to correct this problem. I did not understand what was going on but it kept getting crazier. My daughter and I got scared and decided we should call the police from my cell phone. My son was still downstairs working on the phone and did not know we had called the police. I was watching for the police to arrive and went outside as soon as I saw their cars pull onto my driveway. They started screaming at me to get my hands up. The police asked me where my son was and I told them he was downstairs. They stormed my home through the front door and back door, I could not get back into the home during this time. My son did not know what was going on and he came up from downstairs with a screwdriver in his hand. A police officer threw him up against the wall and knocked a huge hole in the wall. One officer pulled his gun out and was screaming drop it. I didn't know what was going on, I was still trapped outside due to all of the officers that responded. They said he turned the screw driver on them. Needless to say, they searched my home and found pipes, and a baggie with pot seeds. My son was arrested and taken to jail on his first felony charge. Even a trace amount of meth in a pipe is a felony. This wild ride is still on and off. He is either in jail or rehab about 8-9 months out of a year. We have been in the emergency room, several times. Once he was rushed to the emergency room and when I arrived at the emergency room they told me he was not there. That is the new confidentaliy law. They do not give out information on a drug overdose or attempted suicide. You can lay in the emergency room and die unless you sign a relese of information form, which is hard to do when you're unconscious. I have gone thorught the arrests, near death emergencies, facing prison time, having my home burgalized, having checks stolen and cashed, having my TV and other items stolen and pawned. My son went into a half-house in another state to get away from meth and low and behold drug dealers seemed to pop out of the woodwork. He was kicked out for coming home high and calling me because he was on the street with no where to go. The moral of this story is you can always find what you are looking for if you look hard and long enough. It is a heartbreaking path that my son has chosen to take. I do not and can not understand it but I am sure you other users will have a better understanding. My son's father was an alcoholic and committed suicide at 24 years old. I thought going through the suicide of my husband would be the worse thing I ever faced in my life, boy was I wrong. Watching my son destroy his life over the past 6-7 years has been much worse than that experience. Meth use is a slow death, and if you want to know the damage it does to your body do a little research. It destroys your mind, muscles, etc. I was stunned to see someone whose mind was totally gone, they will need to be taken care of for the rest of their life. This is not a joke, it is for real. My son is now serving 6 months in a probation detention center for not following is probation orders. He missed Christmas with the family and will be locked up on his birthday. I do love and care about him, but I know he is in a much better place than he was on the streets. I pray that each person reading this story will realize where they are in life and seek to get the help they need. Do not be in deniel, face the truth and do what you must do to be safe and happy. Everyone deserves that! Here is an informative website I found: www.mamasite.net (Mothers Against Meth), check it out. Let's not hide the ugliness of meth use, let's bring it to the forefront and expose it for what it is!
--S

   I am so sick of the hold the drugs have on so many. Been dealing with my husband's use for too long now. Of course, I dabbled and I know how yummy it can be. But its not the end all. there is so much cool shit to do in life. The problem is once you spend so much damn money on it there's no more Money left for anything else. Or Time. Or Energy. I moved to get my hub away from coke and we moved to crys capital. Little did I Know! Now he bugs me to do it. It takes all my strength to say no, and I've only done it a couple of times. Our problem is the sex is so good it's hard to say no. But i do. We' ve had a beautiful marriage. But I think the shit ruined it and i gotta go. He keeps saying it's not a problem. I tell him he's a functional addict. I miss him - the way he was - in control of his world, not being controlled by something. So Sad. Life is short already... there is so much more than this.
--eric

To David
   I have been married for a year, to a wonderful man who seems to have lost himself. He has been through alot, you see he is disabled and has been for two years. I remember him before his accident a very kind polite and loving man. Something had changed aftterwards, he had started becoming very depressed. His life has changed forever, and it looked hopeless. Recently I had found out that he has been using meth for over six months. At first keeping it a secret, and then smoking it and lying about what is was. Of course there were signs, that I never paid attention to I feel stupid for that. Things got really bad, to the point where my huband was always angry and we were always fighting. I was very unhappy and confused I did not understand why all of this was going. The breaking point was when he started talking to voices inside of his head. He started to really look sick almost like he was dying. The worst of it all was being abused and screamed at the loudest he possibly could. We are not together right now and this has been hard. I don't know what to do, because I love my husband so much . I see him just falling apart and I pray for him constantly. That god will let him see how he deserves to live a happy healthy life. That he will see that there is no quick solution to beat this. There this is a battle and he has to win.
--Tania

The World of Pure uncut Methylamphetamine and Pyschosis
   Hi, i am 25yo male and ive hit psychosis more than 5 times due to too much methamphetamine in its uncut form, no msm cutting agent (a clear bonding agent that burns clear), i dont think people out there know how powerful this shit is, ive had 2 points and was buzzing hard for 5 days then it got too much for my body and brain, i hit psychosis and dont remember a thing, i had some friends over who said i was up and not acting myself, i got in my car and went for a drive, when your in psychosis your not really awake and your not really asleep, you are not yourself, i smashed my car into a tree and dont even remember hitting it, i do remember bouncing back into my lane and managed to keep myself concious and made it home, once i hit home i sat on the couch and hit a Coma like state for 3 hours, my friends said i wasnt blinking, i was just staring straight through them and not understanding what they were saying i believe i was close to death or ending up in a mental institute, that was my first time i hit psychosis.
   another time i was at a club and i hit psychosis there, again i dont remember much from the night except flashes and snapshots like pictures in my head.. i got a lift home from the club and dropped at my house, i was locked out of my house, i dont know how long i was outside for but i started to think that my 3yo daughter was there with me, i can remember the "feeling" of worrying about her and i could see her, it was freezing outside and i had to get my daughter inside, i ended up breaking the window of my house, im not sure how or what with, but i have a picture in my head of me laying thru the window covering my head from falling glass shards, this could have resulted in MASSIVE injury or death, i just didnt care at the time, i got what i thoguht was my daughter inside and warm in bed and passed out on my computer room floor, when i woke up io found i had put my daughters car seat into bed and made it warm.. i got memories of talking to 2 friends, who said that i did talk to them but they didnt understand me and walked off and left me there at the front door talking to no one,
   there has been more times where i feel like ive just woken up but ive been awake the whole time, its mild psychosis snapping in and snapping out, each time i hit this state it changes my personality, once im the nicest guy who loves the world and wants to quit this shit, then i hit psychosis and i cannot remember anything that happens to the Nice Me, i wake up in a shit mood i stress over everything, i dont care if i live or die, and i get stuck in this frame of mind untill the next bout of psychosis, now i am back to the nice me, i am trying to keep it this way and i am struggling, i have a 3yo daughter and another child on the way,
   If you get offered any drugs and i mean ANY DRUGS say NO.. once i had drugs i started craving them, these days i think WHY didnt i just say NO, i wouldnt CRAVE it if i NEVER had it, i wouldnt think why cant i be as happy as i was when i was 14? meth is the answer why, once u try drugs and crave them, your life will turn upside down, you will be run by apathy making everyone around you life's hell, crave normal things in life, like a house, a car, a girl and look after them, dont look after Meth because it wont look after you, it will burn you alive...
   my soul is gone, i dont know who i am, or what i am, i dont remember my life,
--SOulDie

Guess Who?

I'll come to you disguised, to lift you, energize.
Welcome, accepted, at first it'll seem you've found, the ticket to bliss, production will abound.

Quickly my nature will reveal to others what is true, I'm nothing more than poison, hidden from you.

For days you will go, around and around,
duplicating tasks unable to complete,
then obliviously crash, into a coma like sleep.

Pleased at what I'll see when you awaken and reach, for that pipe, the mirror, or a needle you will sneak.

Happy, bold, arrogant, and cold,
passing on judgment to those outside my hold.

Neglect will be your nature, for others, even you,
But small in comparison to hateful damage you'll do.

You'll trade the basics for my high, the extravagant will pass you by,
Watching angrily as things disappear, you once worked for day and night.

Vile, filthy, foul words, will penetrate your tongue, twisted thoughts will be your guide.
You'll give up your morals, trade sex to get by.

Little do you know that I will take it all,
and you'll only be able to sit back, and watch it fall.

For my purpose is destruction, paralyzed you'll be,
Riddled with fear, a paranoia-disease.

The skills you possess will wither and fade, confidence diminish, memories dismay.

You'll cheat, you'll lie, steal, then cry,
wondering what's happened,
then blame others through denial.

Your children will weep, your spouse age with grief, your mother and father will clinch their heads in disbelief.

Some friends will disappear, others you'll push away, believing only those, I hold captive the same way.

Tens, maybe hundreds, who love you and now grieve, will search and plead in sorrow, to find that lost person they once believed.

Your bones will be brittle, teeth will fall away,
The hair once admired, will be cut and tweezed away.

Your beauty will hide, beneath the scars and soars,
Self-image crippled, with organs forever scorched.

So if you think you can escape, go ahead and try me, for once or twice you may be lucky, anymore you'll be mine.

Nice to meet you, call me what you'd like.
Candy, Go-Fast, Pick-Me-Up tonight.

My real name is Methamphetamine, Crystal, Crank, and Speed. Yet I go by many other names, and Evil is my creed

--ges

I Beat Death
   I am not going to share all the details, up until 5 months ago my story was the typical meth experience. Pure destruction, to myself and all that was around me. I am so lucky to have the support I needed to leave it behind, my mom & my boys and something deep inside telling me I didn't really want to die. I will turn my brush with death into something positive, sharing my strength with those who need it. It is very cold & cruel in this world when your only friend is your worst enemy. We all need to understand before we judge, love before we hate and fight before we lose the ones we love. My mom and my boys would tell you that LOVE CONQUERS ALL when its all around you.. I am living proof Something I wrote a while back before I broke free.....................
Remember EVERYONE IS SOMEONE

Here they come those thoughts
Starting of my day minus much needed hope

Fighting them brutally I just want them to go

But when they surrender all thats left is me
One lone soldier lost in a world cold & empty

It just ain't right even if I am wrong
This wanting to be loved it's gone on too long

Losing this battle like so many others
Day after day casualties will be seen life after life

Young, old, wealthy, poor. If you've seen this face you ran out of time
Once you've met it it's taken yor soul & left your body behind

Years gone by as I;ve watch it;s hold
Gripping it's victims like puppets performing in a puppet show

I cut my strigns over & over
Somehow his grip still has control

Ripping open my body as it takes my voice letting me bleed
But still it need more so it quickly inhales my sanity

If only I could make themn understand a power they cannot see
A power so great to have taken the person I used to be

Each day I remember not to forget
The others forgotten that were just like me

Can you blame a soldier for not losing his life in a battle no one, not
even you
could be prepared to fight?

Picture a soldier alone and facing a doom he knows can't be won
Left behind to fight there is one last thing he hears...
"With you, we are done."

A Prayer for The Soldiers

God give 'em strength
Forgiving each mistake
God give 'em hope
They are special please let them know
God give them love
Let them feel it before they go
Listen & teach others to hear the unheard crys
Save those we love from having to say goodbye

--Lenna

to Joleigha,
Thank you

I wanted to say that I am proud of you
You've adapted and overcome
Your faith is true, it has made you anew
I believe you will never succumb

A fallen angel with a bent sword
Mistreated, abused and ignored
Stronger now with faith restored
Faith rewarded only by the lord

I wanted to thank you for showing the way
I wanted to thank you for being right
I want you to prey everyday
and i want you to continue to fight

Never go back to what you were before
I offer my care and support
These suggestions I more than implore
With all my love you can sport.

-Mat

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