Methamphetamine: Stories
and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents
Too Young to Die
Hi, I work for a search and rescue/cadaver recovery dog team
and local coroner's office as an investigator. Earlier this month I was
called out to look for a 16 year old boy (same age as my son) who had
been missing for 9 days. The boy had been in drug rehab for meth
addiction but had run away, then had gotten terribly depressed-- an
effect of meth withdrawal. Sadly, by the time I located the body he had
been dead for about a week. It has been several weeks since then and I
think of this boy daily--how meth cut his life so short, even though
technically his cause of death was ruled as a suicide. I feel like meth
stole the life he could have had, the future he could have lived, the
joy he could have experienced. He had troubles like everyone does, but
if meth hadn't sucked him into the black hole of destruction, perhaps he
could have pulled up from the things that had him down and gone on to
live a wonderful life. I just hope his horrible death, all alone, his
poor young body laying out in the open for days all because of d*** meth
may prevent some other young person from going that route. Every day I
think of this young man and grieve for the life meth stole from him. He
is the only death that has EVER so affected me--this is my job!
--kb
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Here is my story regarding my
sister, I have to let out the pain, this is the only way I can
Dear Sister:
Sorry to hear that you are now in jail for LIFE. I watched you from a
distance play and play with the rehabs, and at times, I really believed
you wanted to get and stay well. I'm sober today, I know the date you
got out of prison the last time, and I waited for your call. It never
came. I knew then something was amiss. Remember when you were facing
jail for the first time? Your daughter was in a Foster Home, and I
fought like a devil to get her out of there it only took me a year, but
it was worth it. Did you forget the social service involvement, how I
always stuck up for you? The caseworker was right after all wasn't she?
You were good at manipulating, sad part was you didn't even know it. I
promised you that I would give your daughter back, when YOU got well and
I did. I learned to love her. I taught her to pray, listened to her
EVERY night cry and pray for Jesus to help her mommy get well, and to
bring her back to her, along with her sister. Oh yeah you remember, the
sister you left with another meth person, who was not even her dad?
Okay, how about her brother? Remember how many times you and his
dad played ping pong with him? You would get clean and so YOU had him.
You both took turns with him. I watched it all from the sidelines. I
cried many tears. Now I'm crying again. Why? Because you believed 'this
time it would be different". So I got a call from your son a few weeks
ago. He wanted to know if I could care for his baby sister, you remember
don't you? The one that you never took care of even when you were out of
jail? I listened to your son, and he was hurting so bad. I did not have
the heart to tell him I cant do this no more, I've got cancer. He is
doing the best he can raising his other sister, along with his family
and he is only a young man himself. I am hurt, and angry, disappointed
and confused. Imagine how your children feel? I had to look it up on the
website to see it for myself, because I could not believe you risked it
all. But, this time, you were not the only loser, as a matter of fact,
you aren't the loser the children are. I spoke with your daughter, the
one who lived with me. The anger in her voice was simply heart breaking.
I hear your 7 year old is a mess and keeps saying "mommy promised she
would not do this no more". Lets take a trip down old memory lane shall
we? Back 26 yrs ago, I told you I had a dream. I told you then how I saw
you in a jail cell in a far away place, all alone and crying. And they
say dreams aren't real? Yes I saw you there, right where you are now.
FOR LIFE!!!! Life? Are they kidding? You are dead already, the only
thing missing is the tomb stone. Never again to behold your beauty, to
see the potential that laid deep w/in you. And in the wake of this
insanity, are 3 children who loved you like no other could but God
himself. All I can say now is, in spite of it all, I still love you and
the pain is unbearable. I still cannot comprehend how you got so far
down, stealing other people's personal info, not only for drugs, but
because you wanted 'things', and the reality is the things that you
wanted were not the things you NEEDED. The ones that needed you were
there all the time. How sad.
--Your baby sister.
Where do i start?
Where do i end? When my addict and i first got together 10 years ago, he
was on pot, alcohol and speed. He asked me for my help to get off all of
it. I must at this stage tell you that i have never used drugs, so not
really knowing what i was getting into, i said of course i will help
you. My then 5 year old son became very attached to him. Well the merry
go round started. I never in my wildest dreams realized what we were in
for. My guy was caring, loving, for the 1st 9 months or so. Then it
started, the temper tantrums, which i didnt understand, him causing
fights and leaving for days on end. That is were my here again gone
again addict was born for me. In the past 10 years, i have taken him
back everytime, but his stays away from home have become longer and
longer,and more frequent. I have had the whole bit happening , from
police at our home every weekend, to his telling the usual lies to get
his speed, to the stealing money and house hold items. My mother passed
away last August, which took my attention off him. This only gave him
more freedom to do the speed.I think i knew it was the beginning of the
end, when i found out about a month after my mothers passing, that he
had been shooting up at work.(That is when he went to work) We had the
usual fights over it.( The usual promises,I will never do it again". By
the time the holiday season came around, it was more like being on a
roller coaster, than a merry go round.On new years eve,he started
cutting himself up, and he OD. The hospital saved him, and he was home
the next day.For 9 days i nursed him back to health,only for him to
leave again, on the 10th day, he was gone for 5 days.When he returned,
same again, got him back to good health, and he went to a couple of NA
meetings,but that didnt last. He decided he could get off the meth by
himself. He would say every week ,, Ive been clean for so many weeks
now,, i knew he wasnt. It is so hard to watch someone you love destroy
themselves. Anyway he lasted here for about 10 weeks or so after that.
As i am sat here writing this, My here again gone again addict, has been
gone for almost 3 months.I have been left in a really bad financial
situation,and for a person who has never done drugs, i find myself
having to sell things to make ends meet. It is looking like i will lose
everything i own,as i will probably have to move in with a friend, just
to survive..My son who will be 15 next month, is heart broken, as he
made the mistake of getting close to him again. I think it only fair to
say , that the only thing i feel guilty over, is the fact that i
should'nt have helped him so much over the years,as this only enabled
him . I have probably done more harm to him than good ,Maybe guilty is
the wrong word, i dont know , sad that i feel guilty bacause i loved
someone, and wanted to help him. I know i have a deep ache inside, i
havent heard a word from him, I cant believe that he has done this
AGAIN. Will i take him back if he returns? I honestly dont know, for my
own sanity, i hope i can move on, my boy deserves better, and so do i.
And this time i cant afford to keep the home fires burning for my addict
.I am having such mixed feelings about him right now,one minute i want
him here, so i know that he is safe,the next minute, i pray that he
stays away, so my son and i can get on with our lives. At the moment im
kind of busy," Breaking in a brand new broken heart."It's the most
horrible feeling, everytime he leaves, it is like he has passed
away,then when he returns it is like he has risen from the dead
again.What can i say? I pray that the demon METH will set him free, one
way or the other. Ahhhh METH you have taken so much from this once happy
family. For you Bruce, " I wish you what i wanted for you from the
start, Peace and Happiness".I hope you find whatever it is your
searching for my love, i am so tired. So sorry for the long letter, and
i have left so many things unsaid. As i am reduced to tears at this
point, i will close in saying, God Bless the addicts,and God Bless the
family and loved ones of the addicts.
--Love from Lynn
Wow, I've been
waiting for the avenue to open up to tell my story. Thank you KC for
having this website....what a blessing.
This is all true, real nightmares don't need to be embellished. I
am a recovering meth addict. I started drug use at age 13 and didn't
quit until I was 43. My meth use started when I was 18, but I went on to
heavy cocaine use and the only reason I went back to meth is because I
couldn't use up my nose anymore at age 38. I started using meth in a
needle and used frequently for 4 years before I quit. I would like to
say that meth is a successful way to kill yourself on the installment
plan. If you don't want to wind up in jail, prison or the grave, and if
you are the kind of addict that I am, you better learn to ask for help.
When I used meth, I would lie, cheat, steal, whore, and look for more
all in the same day. I would stay awake for days and began to go slowly
insane. Meth caused me to hear voices, and see writing on everything. I
would not be able to see exactly what the writing said, but I knew it
wasn't positive stuff. I saw this writing on everything. My furniture,
the walls, the mirror, even on my dog and even on my own skin. Speaking
of skin. Meth users have really bad skin. Something about the drug will
come out of the addicts pores and cause sores which the addict will tend
to pick at and cause infections. think that happens to heroin users too,
because I have seen that too. Hallucinating like this was very scary but
it didn't occur to me to quit shooting dope. I came from a family of
addicts. The disease of addiction took my mom, my sister, and my dad
out, yup killed them all. One day, I was so miserable, I was crying, and
I couldn't imagine a life with or without drugs and I was scared. I
looked in my top dresser drawer and all I saw there, were spoons,
needles, empty little plastic bags, razor blades and dirty cottons. I
asked, "who took all my friggin' socks!" I was so in denial, and I was
the only one in the room. I used to rant and rave a lot in my apartment,
loudly out the windows. All my neighbors even moved out and the owner
couldn't figure out why he couldn't keep his tenants. I was also a trash
digger. I was always diggin in the trash because I was looking for
evidence against my boyfriend, what exactly, I don't know, besides it
was all in my head. Meth makes people very, very paranoid. One day, my
boyfriend and I had a fight and he came at me with a knife from my
kitchen, and I thought he was going to kill me. Instead he cut himself
and called the cops and I went to jail for 9 days for a felony which I
wasn't guilty of and,(which was later dropped due to not enough evidence
to convict me.) I still continued to use and still went back to my
boyfriend. I even contracted Hep C from shooting dope.
Well, to end all the madness I finally went to treatment. One day
in treatment a guy came to us from a twelve step program, and he told
his story. He also told us that if we weren't done yet, that we should
get our ass back out there and continue to use, otherwise, we were just
wasting good high-time. Well, that did it. That statement really got to
me, because I am not the kind of addict who would ever consider wasting
good high-time., so I got clean. I've been going to meetings ever since
and have a God in my life today, who is doing for me what I absolutely
could not do for myself....stop using. I was full of misery and was
ready to die a using addict but life is so very different today. I am
not only employed, but I am employable. I own my home and live less than
100 yards away from a police station and none of my neighbors have
wanted to move away. My car runs, and I am able to help other suffering
addicts if they want to get clean. If life gets any better, I am going
to need a twin. Today, the best lesson I ever learned was that
absolutely nothing in my life is so awful that a relapse can't make it
worse. I have 3 1/2 years clean and I don't ever have to use again, if I
don't want to. A grateful heart cannot get high except on life!!! God
bless all of you and thanks for letting me share.
--Cleantweety@aol.com I am blessed, Just For Today
The Price of Meth
I wanted to share this story with you:
http://jim-greenhill.us/?page_id=71
My brother was always
into partying and never very bright. He started with pot and alcohol at
the age of 12 and stopped going to school by the time he was 13. By the
time he was 18, he was an alcoholic and a total stoner. But he found he
could cook and was very good at it and managed to find jobs in
restaurants. They didn't pay much, especially in the Bay Area of
California, but he stayed afloat.
Apparently, restaurant workers are commonly speed users (I don't
get the correlation but it's there). I don't think he really got into it
as a habit until much later but I know he was doing it and eventually
started selling it. It supplemented his meager income.
When he was 25, he met a wonderful woman from Illinois. After
they'd been together a few months, my brother was mugged and savagely
beaten and left for dead under a bench. He awoke to find half his face
broken into pieces. He was in the hospital for over a month and endured
many surgeries to put him back together. This woman was by his side the
entire time and got close with my family through it. After his rehab,
she got pregnant and they soon got married. Life was good and my brother
thrived for the first time in his life.
After the baby was born, they decided to move to Illinois
where they could afford a house and be close to her family. He found a
great job in a 5 star restaurant in Peoria. They had another baby. But
he started drinking with the guys after work and coming home drunk. He
eventually got several DUI's and was put in jail, lost his license and
was on probation. Her in-home childcare business was warned that if he
remained in the household, she would lose her license to operate. So she
had to kick him out. Besides, his alcoholism made him verbally abusive
toward her and the kids and she'd had enough.
But instead of staying in Illinois to be close to his kids, he
immediately came back to the Bay Area and lived with my parents. At this
point he was 35. That was 10 years ago.
He got right back into hanging out with his friends and partying.
He got jobs in restaurants but they only paid $10 / hour...so he began
supplementing his income again. But this time, he used as much as he
sold and he quickly lost his jobs until he was blacklisted from the
industry. He became a full-time meth head. My parents finally kicked him
out when he was 40. They tried to get him on track by paying his 1st &
last month rent at an apartment shared with others - they turned out to
be meth heads, too.
He eeks out a living stealing bicycles and anything else he can get
his hands on. He breaks into my parents' house every chance he gets by
any means possible. He hasn't spoken to his children in years and they
have no interest in him because of the last few times they've spoken and
he was too weird and messed up. He has NEVER ONCE paid child support.
His oldest just graduated high school and is going on to college!
My brother is 45 years old, homeless, addicted. He developed
cellulitis a few months ago and almost lost his leg. It's still healing.
My parents let him back in because of his injury and now know they won't
be able to put him out again. He continues to steal from them and anyone
else.
My parents are coming up on their 60th anniversary. They have 8
adult children whom all live relatively close by. I am throwing them a
party. My brother wants to come and all my other siblings tell me they
don't want him there. I know I'll have to lock away purses and will have
to explain to guests some lame excuse as to why (the dog might chew them
up?). My husband is upset that my brother will be in our house. But I
can't turn him away because of my mom. She will never give up on him and
it would break her heart if her other children shunned him.
My brother has no intention of stopping any of his behavior. I love
my brother. We played together as children and I will always remember
him that way. The person I see now isn't him. It's something else
entirely. Not even human. I hate that thing.
My brother never got very far in life but he was on his way to
having a good life. He's lost everything including his dignity. No one
respects him. He doesn't respect himself. He just doesn't care.
I myself am an alcoholic and had a 15 year cocaine habit. If it
weren't for my now husband, I don't know that I would have stopped the
cocaine on my own. I struggle with alcohol and am on the verge of losing
him to this. I look at my brother and know what my husband is going
through looking at me drink myself away from him. I won't let that
happen and start sobriety today. If my brother ever gets clean, I can at
least thank him for the example he has set before me that says you can
lose it all and still not reach bottom. IF he ever gets clean. I will
pray for him and myself. I hope others will pray for us, too. Thank you.
--EVH
I'm an 18 year old,
young woman who has lost everything to a dirty addiction. Just like all
the other stories, I too had everything. My family. a home. my friends.
It all started in the beginning of my Senior year of high school. I had
worked all summer long with this boy, we started talking and hanging out
more. He introduced me to the devil. and left quciker than he came.I
used everyday and Within 3 months, I was expelled from High school,
charged with Possession, lost and High as hell.My family washed their
hands of me, after I had stolen from them. after I had used them. and
abused them. All the friends, Who once cared for me now pittied me. I
was thinner, sleep deprived and, just gone. I didn't care who I hurt. or
if I was hurting myself anymore.I kept up the drug use, behind everyones
back. Contenuied to use with My boyfriend. He was in and out of jail,
for the same charges I was charged with. We began to lose our minds. He
accused me of every degrading thing in the world. Mentally abusing
eachother was just how we coped with being lowlifes. I tried to stop
'cold turkey' but the devil kept pulling me down. I battled with this
addiction for 9 months. I lived a crazy, dirty life, in a short period
of time. That's how addicting this drug is. I would advise anyone who's
curious about this drug, to stay as far away from the drug, and people
who use as possible. Life was stolen from me. every ambition. was gone.
all I wanted was to get high. to not feel. I'm sober now. I've graduated
from High School.Now enrolled into college. I now have all that I've
lost, back. Never again would I jeoprodize my life. The N/A 12 step
program has, literaly, saved my life.
--anonymous, Orange. CA
Life in the fast lane/ Crash &
Burn
Hi, I remember along time ago this woman, she was so beautiful, her
hair long and black so soft and shinny, and her skin was like silk not
only to look at but also to touch. She had a smile that would just
either make you forget your problems, or just make you wanna smile back
for no reason. Everyone used to say "she had the kindest heart," and she
did. She would give you anything with nothing expected in return. a room
to stay in, a drink of water if your hot, or a meal. Even go out of her
way to take you where you wanted to go.
But more important than all that was her compassion she had for
people and her gift of just knowing what was wrong and what to say to
you. She also wasn't lacking in the brain department if you know what I
mean. Smart as ever!! No joke, and that she still is I know that for a
fact. Then things happened and she slowly changed and not for the best
either.
Well that woman was me along time ago now I am a different person
not one I would like to admit to being. No I don't sell my body for
dope, nor will I steal from you and yes I still have my morals. Meaning
I won't lie to you either. Ive been to the lowest of lows. (people,places
and things) And I have been to the highest of places. My story isn't
much different than anyone else.
All I know is when my heart is as cold as is the blood ruining Thu
my veins then there is a big problem. I never really understood what
kinda tweaker i was. I didn't have a tweak, like dumpster diving, but
tried it with my friends for shits and giggles. I didn't pick my body
till it looked like I had craters all over. And I dam well "Never"
sketched out my curtains wondering who and what was out there.
But i would always say to everyone who met me knew me, "You just
have to be a little bit more phico then anyone else and no one will fuck
with your shit". I went places that no one else would, thought I was
invincible. And if you crossed me I would get U back, maybe not
today,next week but I would and big time.
Ive quit this dam monkey for along time then picker it up again
like a lost dog it's nice until it bits you! And then it's too late. I
look back on my life since meth and I now can see how much that I gave
up. Quality time spent with my kids. understanding of their need and
wants. Providing the kind of family life style that I always wanted for
my children. I see the damage in each and every one of them. No they
weren't molested, beaten, unattended, went hungry. But it's there to
remind me of what a looser I was. I spend my time trying to correct the
wrong that I felt I have caused, but just some times I feel it will
never be corrected.
I remember being so judge mental about other people whom I saw
using meths. Telling myself "I would never put drugs in front of my
children" ! But it happens in a flash. next thing you know your at your
friends house visiting cuz you know they are using too and you cant get
high at home mean while kids are waiting for dinner, homework help, or
just to talk to you because they had problems with friends at school.
But your not there and its 10pm and dinner is just getting started, home
work gets done by other siblings and that talk can wait till the next
day. But you keep telling yourself its OK I have it all together. yeah!
what a joke.
The way the mind thinks when your high on shit is amazing!! Not to
mention coming down cuz we all gotta do it once in awhile. The slightest
thing and your yelling for no reason! Or your crying because you just
don't know why. And you cant get your ass outta bed because your body
feels like a steam roller went over it over and over again. And that
would be nice to how it really feels.
You don't have to be in the gutter looking up to be down. You don't
have to loose everything you got to be empty and alone. Cuz no matter
what you do it takes your soul, spirit, and eventually your life.
Physically, emotionally, mentally it don't matter when its gone its
gone. But like I have always said "If you can't look yourself in the
mirror the next day and be satisfied with what you did the night before
then maybe you shouldn't be doing it to begin with, don't complain when
you have to pay the price and don't ever be ashamed of who and what you
are no matter how hard it is at times."
I am no better then anyone else in this game to protest to be just
want to be the person I used to be if not better and get a better life
for myself once again.
I hope you people can understand what I am trying to say. I wrote
this poem one night in a moment of clarity that I want to share with all
of you.
--Thank you so much for letting me speak my mind
Meth Monster
Hi, I am sitting here wanting to curl up and die, or just wake up
and this be all a bad dream. A nightmare actually. About three years
ago, we met our friends new boyfriend. He had some meth, we smoked it
and really liked the buzz. And we continued to get it from him everynow
and then. I guess my husband got him to teach him how to make it. My
husband got pulled over for speeding and they searched the car and found
meth. I told him that was it no more doing meth. That it was much to
dangerous and I didnt want to lose him and I didnt want him to go to
prison. He promised no more. I didnt seem to have a hard time stopping.
But not my husband. He snuck around and I could tell that he was still
using. Then he was indicted by a grand jury for the earlier seizure of
the meth in his car. He got a chance at a first offender drug law that
let him pled quilty and if he went to counsling and weekly drug testing
for one year the charge would be dropped and wiped off of his record.
Shortly thereafter I found him taping urine under his armpit and I could
not believe it he was actually sneaking someone elses urine into his
drug testing. I told him I wouldnt tolorate that and that if he
continued to use, that I was leaving him. He didnt stop, so I left him
moved 2,000 miles away. After 8 months I contacted him about our
divorce, and he told me he was clean and had been since right after I
had left him. He begged for another chance to prove his self, and wanted
to make our marriage work. So I returned, in less then one month back, I
opened a letter from his attorney and it said that my husband had failed
three recent drug tests, and tested positive for meth. I confronted him
and he said he ran into a friend and back slid. Well I decided to give
him the chance to redeem hisself. And just two weeks ago while putting
winter things away in the attic. I discovered a portable meth lab. And
all the chemicals used to make it.
I took it immediatly out of our home and within two days he came to
me and asked what I had done with the stuff in the attic. I told him it
was gone and he needed to go to the local drug rehab and get some help.
He said he wanted it back now and started getting really upset and
screaming at me. Finnally he left and the next day I found out from a
co- worker of his that he went to the local magistrates office and said
that I was threatning to kill him and he was in fear for his life, and
wanted me removed from the home. I was blown away, I realized that he
was doing that to find the meth lab. I immediatly called the drug task
force and told them that I had found a meth lab at my home. Well them
and about 45 of their friends came and raided my home. It was horrable,
It was embarrising and then they had to serve the restraining order out
on me and I had to leave my home. After 5 days we went infront of a
family law judge and he said he did not find my husband crediable and
dropped the restraining order and allowed me to come back home. That
evening my husband was a monster he hit me and verbally abused me. I
called the police and swore a complaint against him. He now says that
the meth lab stuff was mine and I am trying to frame him for it. The one
thing that will save me is he works for the dot. (dept. of
transportation). and used some of their equipment from work in his lab.
And the drug officers have contacted his work and cross matched the
serial numbers from his ph meters and they are issued to the state
offices. So I am off the hook as far as the law. My neighbor just told
me today that she wished I would just move away, and that I was an idiot
for having him here, and for returning. I told her I was just trying to
help him and that I loved him and she didnt want to hear it she was so
mean to me. My husband now has his own apartment and has quit supporting
me and turned off all my utilities, and phone, cable. I am going to lose
not only my husband and my marriage, but my home and all I own. All
because of this drug. It has completly and utterly took control of my
husband soul and will not let go of him. I feel bad about calling the
police, yet realize I had to do it. I also know I cant make him stop, he
has to make him self stop. And I dont know where to turn or what to do.
I am alone, broke and so very sad. I just want to die..
--js
WE ALL NEED YOUR
HELP...
It's so comforting finding a site like this, knowing that there are
people out there understanding the battle that we are ALL facing from
meth. I started using meth hardcore about a year and a half ago when me
and my boyfriend, who I had dated for 6 years, broke up. It started out
as my "diet pill" to loose those extra pounds I thought I needed to
loose in order to maybe win him back. (haha) I thought I had control
over it, I kept telling myself just 10 more pounds and I'll quit.... but
I had a lot to learn!!! Meth became my life.Way, Way more than just a
diet pill, it became my "function pill" Meth bacame my entire world.
It's the one and only thing I cared about. And yea, I lost the wieght,
but I lost so much more in return. Everyday is a struggle now... I have
been clean for 2 months, and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to
do. I am 22 years old and find myself litterally hiding from the
world... Meth strips your life away! There's not a day that goes by I
don't wish I had it. I thought I had in bad when I was heartbroken now
knowing what to do without my boyfriend, well now I really have it bad.
Now I am depressed, dealing with axiety attacks everyday. There's days I
wake up in my apartment kicking in anger, that I am awake. Wishing I
could just not wake up anymore. There's times I will go two or three
days just not answering the door, with no desire to see anyone. Deep
down all I want is my drug back... My heart races just thinking about
it, or seeing a program on t.v. about it... Two months, is not a very
long time to be clean, I know at anytime I could relapse. But, it's the
lives I have seen destroyed from this "shit" that gives me motivation to
go "just one more day without it..." I can also tell you if you trust in
God, he can help you through this much easier than if you try to do it
by yourself.... my heart goes out to all of you struggling with meth....
I would love to talk to anyone who needs a lending ear... (and to all
you parents who think you child "knows better"...well think again.) This
drug can take over ANYONE...so know the signs and understand this is a
ADDICTION!! I think there needs to be a lot more HELP out there then
just PUNISHMENT....jail just locks you away for a matter of time....in
the end you still gotta face the problem ... Us kids addicted to meth or
any drug for that matter do NOT deserve to get locked away in
prison....WE need HELP with this.....Stop turning your backs on US and
looking down on us...step up and fight for us! Cause we're all HURTING
inside...
--hollie
The love of my life
lost to meth
Eight years ago I thought my life was perfect. I had the best
husband in the world. He was kind and gentle, loving and romantic. I
wanted to spend every minute of the rest of my life with him. every
where we went people were jelous of the relationship we had. We often
stayed up half the night just laying in the bed talking about our day.
We had been married 1 year when we decided to try and have a baby. the
next thing i knew i was pregnant. He was great support through the
pregnancy. The day our daughter was born was the most wonderful day
ever. he stayed right beside me through the whole delivery. He was so
proud of his baby girl. For the next two years he was the greatest daddy
in the world. He loved his family more than anything in the world. Later
in our relationship he started hanging around with his old friends a
little more and i began to notice things that i didnt like he smelled
like marijuana when he came home at night. so i threw him out. later on
he came back home he done good for awhile then i started to notice him
staying awake until he thought i was asleep then he would get back up
and stay up the rest of the night. then i started finding aluminum foil
everywhere with burns on it. I found this very strange but i couldn't
figure out what he would be doing with aluminum foil "I was so dumb". I
finally caught him one day in my storage room smoking meth on aluminum
foil. so, I kicked him out again. I loved him so much that i kept
letting him come back. he kept telling me he would never do it again.
over and over and over and over, same old thing. I have put myself
through hell trying to help him i have hand cuffed him to me and dragged
him out of dope houses. I have been to places looking for him that i
never thought i would go. i have even went to drug houses with him to
collect money people owed him, so that he would never have a reason to
go back to these places again. none of these things stopped the
addiction to meth. we have now been seperated for almost three years. In
those three years i have carried his daughter to see him but i would not
leave her with him. It's almost like he is not even in his body anymore
its only drugs inside his body, not him. he did not put forth any effort
to see his daughter it's like he has forgotten about having a daughter.
How can this even be him? he finally got arrested last year for
possession of meth.and he thought about going to rehab he even helped me
fill out all the papers to send him. He stayed at the house for about a
week then he left throwing stuff at me. I begged him not to walk away
but he just kept walking off into the woods. then he called me a couple
of days later and asked me to come get him he said he was ready to go to
rehab so i went and picked him up again. he was supposed to go to rehab
on tuesday. he left again on Sunday and i told him never to call me
again. since then he went to court for his drug charges and they gave
him three years. we have been to visit him a few times. he writes our
daughter letters from jail but i can tell that meth has messed up his
brain, a lot of simple words he can't even spell anymore. I wonder if he
will ever be the person he was. I miss my husband and i know thanks to
meth i will never have him back.
--Mississippi AF
I hope people read
these. I WISH users would read them, but i highly doubt they do until
its too late and they have already lost their life. I WISH PEOPLE KNEW
WHAT THAT DRUG DOES BEFORE THEY TAKE THEIR FIRST HIT. I didn't know
anything about it and even though I only used heavily for about eight
months it destroyed me. My name is Kallie and im 23 from Ogden Ut. I
came from a well-off mormon family, and one day I got a job doing the
graveyard shift. Someone gave me a line of meth to stay awake, and at
first i was scared of it of course, this was a hard core drug. but I got
familiar with it real quick and used almost every day from then on for
about eight to ten months. My best friend Jaime moved in with me (who
had lied to me about her using then came clean when she found out i was
too) and our house was a meth house. We didnt cook it but she sold it
and we had people in and out constantly for about five months. I was
terrified of these people I didn't know, who knows what they could have
done to us? None of my things ever got stolen and i never went to jail.
But the GUILT and physical side effects were awful. Before I started I
was a pretty cute girl and then I thought i broke out, so i treated it
like you would acne. Come to find out (no one told me) those were
"tweaker sores". I still get them even after I quit and every day my
scars remind me that the past is real, and I will never be the same
person I was. I was a preschool teacher before I started too, I was nice
and perky, and had a good attitude and was HAPPY. Now, I'm just not the
same. I was the kind of girl that wanted to be a housewife, and a mom.
If you knew me, I would be the last person that would be a "meth-head",
ONE DAY CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I messed up, but i GOT UP and I wish that
more people had enough strength and faith to pull themselves up and out.
Jaime didn't. She always tells me I have the perfect life, but if she
would get rid of just one thing she would too. If I could tell users one
thing, it would be that I know its not easy to quit, but is it worth all
the embarassment? Not only are you killing yourself, but you are killing
people around you whether its physically or emotionally, that makes you
a murderer in a way. My experience has changed me, I learned a lot about
life and people. This drug is an epidemic that is HUGE where I live, it
hooks people and kills them. You can't take just one hit, or get high
just once. It can turn a prom queen into the walking dead and i think if
people were more educated there would be less of it. I had no idea. My
world got turned upside down and I had no idea what was going on or how
to fix it until i realized it was the drug that caused a ripple effect
and caused problem after problem. If anyone would like to send me a
comment or whatever my e-mail is rainylove410@yahoo.com or im also on
my-space. Lets educate ourselves and others BEFORE its too late. If i
only knew then what I know now!!
--rainylove
Wow! Where do I start?
Alright in this story no I did't loose my daughter, my house, my
car or anything like that while I was using meth, it was after I got
sober. But yes I did use everyday for over a year and a half. And yes I
did loose all my self esteem, self respect, dignity and anything that
goes along with it. Well it started years ago off and on but I wont tell
all of that. My boyfriend and I's friend got busted in a 3 year DEA
investigation. Well my boyfriend had a conection and started selling
just to help everyone out cause no one could get any. Well by this time
we had started to live together so I had a constant supply and everyone
else know that he always gave me my supply for the day before he left so
all these people who came over to HANG OUT and were supposedly my best
friends were just coming over to use me. Well we decided to move to a
nicer place. A luxery apartment which cost almost $1000 a month and mind
you neither one of us worked(legally).I stayed at home and took care of
the house and my daughter. We both had nice cars and clothes you name it
we had it. He had taken on role of father to my daughter as well so from
the outside we looked happy as all could be. My daughter had everything
she wanted. Well the fights became more and more frequent and abusive.
and it wasnt him that was abusive it was me, he was addicted to porn and
internet girls. I would find messages from girls and I would get irrate
and start hitting him. I was enrolled in college and loved it at first
and started not going because I would rather get high. I had my daughter
go to my parents more frequently so that I knew she would be safe. Well
he became more and more controlling and giving me less and less meth or
so I thought everyday. So I started hiding it or selling some so that I
could make some money as well since he wouln't give me any. I went from
weighing 140lbs to weighing 110lbs in a matter of 6months. It was
horrible, but we always portrayed such a happy life so that no one would
know we had a secret life, my parents still dont know to this day about
it. I dont know how not cause you would walk in our house and it had
everything you could possibly imagine but no jobs. and then one day
there wansnt any meth anywhere and it couldnt be found so everyone
either quit or started a new drug. My boyfriend had the philosophy that
he wasnt going to pay for it so we quit cold turkey after using everyday
for over a year and a half. The first 2weeks was the worse 2weeks of my
life, he got so mad one day he put his fist through a 27in LCD tv. but
after those 2weeks we were happy again and he proposed to me and we got
married 1month later and had a over 150 people at our wedding and then I
found out I was pregnant. But this is where I am at now I have been
clean for 6months and in that 7 months I had to leave my beautiful
apartment, stated getting food stamps and can barely make it paycheck to
paycheck. Neither one of us had had a real job in over 2years. Its hard
to find work with that kind of gap. Where as before we had eveything we
could possibly imagine. Its very hard working legally, but we do it and
dont regret a day of it.
--Angie
I've read many
letters on this site.. some make me crave it even more because they
talk about how good it can feel..and then i start to crave it..
I am 20 years old, and the first time i tried meth was when i was
15. I started as a way to lose weight.. but soon became more than
that..i went from my original 200 pounds to 140 i loved it.. i even
turned my best friend onto it.. thank god she didn't have the same
addictive personality i do.
I started smoking when i met manuel..one hit would have me up for
more than a day.. and i didn't know so i thought crashing was part of
the high.. the seeing things.. the voices calling my name out of a
sleep to smoke..the persistant feeling of unhappiness. Soon, my sister
and i were getting high everyday.. i was 18 working at a good job and
she was 16 doing really well in school. at first, it was all
gravy...then i lost my job. and we started stealing from mom.. and
manuel? he moved in with us and my family. mom had no idea what was
going on.. she didn't even know what meth was...
Long story short-- We smoked meth everyday and night for over a
year.. until i reached rock bottom. i didn't like who i had become or
even remember life before meth..and to top it off my teeth were
rotting.
So i quit. I struggled like HELL, and soon statred smoking
marijuana to cope with the depression the absense of meth had caused.
My sister was a different story.. we had been best friends and all
of a sudden we were enemies..i cried almost everyday and thought about
using again to get close with her again..and i did. sad to say...i
did. Once in a while i would go and hang out with her and her
boyfriend- who she lived with now- and smoke. But when i would leave i
would always feel empty again.. so i "took up weed full time" But no
matter how hard i tried.. i couldn't help my sis. .and i felt so
guilty- afterall i was the one who turned her on to the stupid shit. i
didn't understand why she couldn't stopNow i know.... YOU HAVE TO WANT
TO QUIT- OR ELSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO. thinking back to all the times
i would say.. i'll stop when i want to .. what crap!!!!
So, i let my sister be...and i could not describe to you the
feelings of happiness when on my birthday she told me she was
quitting... she had never said that before.. but i had my doubts. She
proved me wrong... I love her to death now. She is 9 months pregnant..
and hasn't touched the stuff for over a year. It's been about 2 weeks
for me... and now as i sit here crying my eyes out ** i promise me and
i promise her and i promise soon-to-be-born Damian I am done. I am
done with meth**... If she can do it so can i. and i will. I promise.
--20 year old...
Where is Daddy?
I can remember the first time that my husband and I used Meth. We
were helping out a friend who had a drug problem and who was currently
going through a divorce, we let him stay with us untill he got back on
his feet.
One night at about 3 am he dragged my husband and I out of bed and
said he had something that we just had to try. Up untill then, all we
had ever done was smoked pot on occasion.We had two small boys (one
which was my step-son) and had a nice home and both had good jobs.Life
wasn't perfect, but we were happy.Back to that night......the first
thing my husband asked out friend was, "is it addictive"? Our friend
replied, "no, it's like ice cream, either you want it or you don't".
With that we had our fist line of meth.Oh my God! It hit me like nothing
I had ever felt before, I was in love, I was in love with a drug. For
the next few days I was on cloud nine. Everything was perfect, or so
that's how it felt.After a few days of not sleeping or eating I started
turning into someone I didn't know. I was so depressed, I forgot about
my children, I felt ashamed that I had neglected my responsibilities as
a mother, even it were just for a few days. My home turned upside down
withing those few short days.I am a very organized person and like for
my home to be in perfect order and for my children to be watched at
every minute. While I was high, it was like everything I promised not to
turn into, everything I beleived in, everything that was important to
me, didn't mean anything anymore. Once I came down I promised myself I
would never do meth again. I didn't like the person I turned into when i
was high. To make a very long story short, of course meth became a part
of mine and my husbands life for the next few years. We had never done
it on a constant bases but we would binge and spend all of our money
everytime. And after everytime, I would get sick (even landed myself in
the hospital once) I would neglect my children and I would turn into a
monster.
While I was in the middle of this life crisis, I got pregnant
again. I quit my full time job and started working part time with much
less income. When I was a few months pregnant we had also moved houses.
My husband started working all the time to try to make up for the income
that was lost in me only working part time. It seemed that slowly he
would stop coming to bed, or he would stay out till 4 am working with a
friend. He said he was worried about finances especially since the baby
was coming. I could understand, I was worried too. Everything started
changing, withing a few months I stopped seeing my husband at all. I
always trusted him so whole heartedly and I thought that he would never
lie to me and never hurt me. One night I caught him outside at 3 am
looking in the distance. He said that there where cops watching the
house and that they were going to raid it. I didn't have a clue about
what he was talking about. I didn't mention, that when I got pregnant I
stopped doing meth comepletely. My husband told me that night that he
had been doing meth for a year straight and that he wanted help. I told
him it would be okay and believed that he could quit just like that.I
was wrong. Our lives started to fall completely apart. We had no money,
I was pregnant and home with our two boys and alone every night, we were
practically starving to death and had very little food to eat because he
would spend his pay check as soon as it came in. Our landlord started
coming oround threatening eviction because we couldn't pay the rent, our
utilities were getting shut off.
I was so lost. I did meth again with my husband when I was seven
months pregnant. It was so nice for my husband to be around that day. It
was nice that he stuck around because he wasn't worried about hiding his
meth from me since I was doing it too. I knew it was so bad for the baby
but i just wanted to feel loved my husband again and know that he cared
about our family.I felt so evil afterwards. I told my husband "never
again", he agreed.Little did I know, or little that I wanted to know, he
was still doing meth.
The day our daughter was born, we had to be at the hospital at
about 5:30 am. I guess my husband didn't get is "fix" that morning
because he couldn't keep his eyes open.As horrible as it may sound, I
told him that I needed him awake and that I needed him there for me to
have our baby. Deep down I knew what I had to do. I sent him to his
friends to get his fix of meth so he could see our baby being born. He
was gone for hours and almost missed the birth.
A lot has happened since that day. I finally left my husband and we
are now divorced. I have moved completely out of state and got full
custody of my 3 yr old son and my now 9 month old daughter.I had to
leave my step-son behind because he wasn't legally mine.Since we left
CPS has currently taken him away from his dad and put him in with his
grandparents.I still have so much faith in my ex husband and hope that
one day he'll see that we will love him no matter what he's done.
I don't know what to tell my kids when they ask me " where's
daddy".Maybe one day I'll have the words to explain to them that such a
small insignificant thing as a "white crystal" has taken they're daddy
away from them.There will never be "just this one time". That one time
could take away your life, your inoscense, your children, your husband
or wife, your family, your world.
Meth is all a lie. You are so loved, you can be happy, you can be
somebody. Don't throw away all your dreams for a dream that only lives
in a pipe or or a needle.You can't imagine the high you'll get from life
knowing that you are one of the ones who overcame such an evil drug. The
high you'll get knowing that you are that strong.Believe me, it's so
worth it to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "never again"
and then walk away a hero.
--Karen
Hello.
I just thought I'd
send a quick email and let you know that I am praying for every single
one of the people who are victims of meth. There is soooo much pain
there. I did meth. I was an addict. However, I have been clean
for...oh...about 7 years. But it was tough. I could not have gotten
clean without God. Period. Life now....well....it's all I ever dreamed
it could be. Seriously. I married the love of my life. We have a
beautiful home. We have two beautiful kids. We don't do drugs...we don't
drink...we even go to bed early. ha. But....if I hadn't cleaned
up....this would not be the kind of life I would have.
Sincere prayers for all the hurting...and meth hurts. The
users...and the people who love them.
--Robyn
A Sister On The
Sidelines
I'm the sister on the
sidelines. My dad and step mom of 8 years are meth addicts. They have
been users for a few years now. My step mom is more of a user than my
father. They have two children together, and me. For awhile they
substituted their Meth use with prescription pain pills. Both became
very addicted to these. My father was in a car accident and it messed up
his hand. He lost his job partly because of this. He also was beaten up
by my drunken Uncle. As my so called parents began to use meth more and
more because of my fathers job loss, and his accidents. Both then began
to lose a lot of weight, didn't ever have any money, and their children
(my younger sisters) began to suffer. I know exactly where they were
getting their drugs, a person we all thought we could trust who then
started stabbing us all in the back. Because my little sisters were
involved, DCFS got involved and took on their case. My sisters were sent
to stay with my Aunt Christy and their family. It was a big adjustment,
for the girls. But because my mom has full custody of me, I stayed with
her of course, so I didn't suffer nearly as much as the girls
physically, but I did begin to feel full effects of all of this
emotionally. My Aunt had the girls for about 3 months. They then went
back to my parents. Then in April of this year everything started to get
really really bad. Much worse than before. I thought it was all ok
though. I last saw my sisters in April. They then moved in with my
Grandma Debby, we, well mostly me thought it would be another temporary
move for my sisters again, just like them staying with Christy. What I
didn't know, is that my father and stepmother were using much more
heavily, and until I really saw them I didn't realize how bad it was. I
started noticing my Step mom staying up all night again. And then
crashing, and sleeping all day. Noticing a much more dramatic weight
loss, and often wild mood swings. I also noticed that she would
dissappear all day, and not come back until my dad tracked her down. I
also realized i knew exactly where she was going...to her sister's
house. Then I thought, my Aunt-In-Law did used to have a drug problem,
maybe it's still there? I started questioning my step mom and father
about drug abuse, and asked if they were doing drugs again. Both replied
yes, but my step mom was much more difficult to get answers out of. You
had to ask her the question over and over, but you had to change it a
little bit more each time, it made it really difficult to even know if
the answer you were getting was the truth. She tried to blame it all on
my father, said it was him that drove her to start doing the drugs
again. I knew she was just saying that, my father works all day, while
she stays home.
Family life, or staying over at their house was usually really
stressful and questionable. I started not trusting either one of them,
especially my step mom. I always thought that she would just lie to me.
With my sisters gone I didn't even know what to think. I was so
confused. I found out that they had been missing their court dates, and
just re-scheduling. They got one final chance to show up at court to get
their kids back. They didn't show, so full custody and adoption went to
my Grandma Debby and Grandpa Carl. They finally let me talk to my
sisters though. Grandma told me stuff that really went on, and always
told me the truth, something i really did need to hear, no matter how
much it hurt. My parents are still doing their drugs, and in fact they
chose the drug over their kids. They have lost all of my respect, and in
fact, because they have done so much meth, and it has fried their
brains, I'm not even sure if I know them anymore. I really wish I did,
but I don't.
--EB
My name is Brandy
Young. I am a mother of three boys who I love very much. I was a METH
user as well. My first time was when i was 19 years old. It started at
a party every one else was using. At the time my boyfriend was a
dealer. Then we where married had our first child then so on by 2002
after our thrid child was born my husband and i split up. our drugs
was what broke up our marriage. It was then I started to use the
needle a gram a day it wasn't until 2004 is when i went to get help
for my self i was on the line of loseing my children my life. A cop
who is a great friend of mine said to me Brandy, You are going to end
up in jail or dead. We talked for about 3 hours that night. The next
day I went and got help went to Family Services and NA classes on Wed.
Then two months later started back to college. this is my second year
in the Medical field. Its very hard not see old friends and not want
to go up to them and say hey what is up know any thing. I have to look
away and look at my children. I still see my friend the cop and tell
him thank you for pointing me in the right way. I pulled my head out
of my Butt. and grew up I am now 32 and still kicking and i love every
min. of it too. If any one has any questions you may email me i have
more storys to tell. sheetsyoung@yahoo.com Thank you
--Brandy june 16, 2006
Coming out from a hole
I am an eighteen year old girl. My 22 year old brother was the one
who started me on meth when i was 15. I looked up to him. I thought well
if he does it then it cant be that bad. boy i sure was wrong. At first
it started to keep up with skoo and my job. it was helping me out (or so
i thought). One monday morning at skoo on a come down (coming down from
the drug) i thought i was going to die. my heart was punding, i started
to panic, i wanted to scream. As i tried to relax i realized i was
having a panic attack of some sort. It scared the living crap out of
me....up until last year i kept my meth use.i never bought it. becasue i
new the dealer and i brought him customers. so i brought other peoples
money. I never thought i was hurting myself, on the contrary i thought i
was helping myself to be better....My uncles for some reason which now i
thank god that it happened..they found out about my drug abuse and to
top it off my younger sisters abuse with meth as well...i was shocked to
find out that me and my sister and brother were stuck on meth.....at
first we tried to stop but then figured it was not such a great
deal....there were many times when we feared we were going to die when
we werre coming down from the drug..even then we did not stop..we kept
buffin it until my uncles came around to us and made us see the
light..realizing that we were hurting ourselves .....and that was not
goood...we meaning me and my brother and sister are the olderst of
seven.....we needed to change to give a better example to our youner
sibling....i thank god that i have been clean for half a year now...
--ec
The biggest
mistake of my life....
My father left 7
years ago this Aug (2006) after a divorce to my mother when I was 4 or 5
we'd go over to my dads house every other weekend, you know how that
goes, well he stopped calling an seeing us (me an my 3 brothers) for 10
months, we figured he does this all the time you know whatever, my
father wasn't a very good guy, he'd cheat on my mom an hit my brother an
sometimes my mom. Well on the 10th month he was gone he called an okay
everything was fine again cause he wanted to see us, so we started going
out to his house again every other weekend, well one weekend me an my
brother got into a fight... okay were 10 years old in a fight... kids do
this right?... well my dad got really mad an beat us up, along with my
step mother, we called the cops on my father an from there we haven't
seen him in 7 years, well I have 3 older brothers and I'm the only girl
an the youngest. So my dad left without leaving anything for us, didn't
pay child support an it was my mom trying to work 40 hours weeks an
raise 4 kids, get a house an a car, well my mom never cared what I did
after my dad left, along with my other brothers.. because of the
situation it was a "you do what you want but you better be good" type of
thing, well when I'm 11 years old an have no Father an feel like I have
no mother an fell alone you get into things.... I had my first hit of
pot when I was in 7th grade, had my first shot of whiskey when I was 13
years old an kept it up till 9th grade, smoking weed just about everyday
an if I didn't smoke, I was drunk. an yeah know... my mom never noticed,
not once. How? I have no idea... Well the summer going in to 10th grade
I had my first line or Coke, an my first taste of "x". Although I didn't
hit up the "x" often, I loved the coke, enjoyed every moment on it
(which is the dumbest thing now that I think about it) well my best
friend, had told me that if I think coke is the "in" thing to try meth,
so one day before our homecoming football game sat in my room, behind my
door just incase anyone walk in, an we smoked it, an smoked it an smoked
it.... my first hit, I completely passed out, I don't know if it was
cause I snorted a line of coke before I tried it or what but I
completely passed out, then about 15mins later I woke up, an my friend
was sitting there, an said "I thought you just died" then handed me the
pipe again, so I smoked it an smoked it, then we heard someone come in
the front door, so we thru the pipe in the rag an hid it in some of my
laundry, it was my mom, we walked up stairs higher than a kite, an she
handed me 20 bucks an said be at your brothers last homecoming football
game, an she walked out the door an left... (my brother was a senior in
high school) so we walked back downstairs an smoked 2 more bulbs, then
we put about 1/4 gram in out root beer that we were planning on bringing
to the football game. We almost get in a car accident on the way, we
almo st rented someone cause my best friend the one who told me that
this stuff was the greatest shit on earth, was trying to smoke it while
driving, which who ever has done it... its a 2 handed job. well we get
to our high school, sit down on the bleachers an I sit by my mom, the
whole 1st an 2nd half. I have never felt so scared, paranoid, anxious in
my life, I left like I was shaking, an was in a daze the whole time, but
again my mom didn't notice, she didn't notice me, well we left the game
early, went to pick up some "x", I went to take a pill an a half, an my
sober friend asked me what was wrong, she was in tears an she simply
asked " M, What's wrong with you?" "what have you turned into" "an what
are you on" I told her, nothings wrong with me, I don't have anything
wrong with me, I haven't turned into anything, an i'm on Coke, Meth an
i'm about to take this "x" (as I held out my hand) she hit my hand, an
the "x" fell into the leaves, I was angry, I was searching for them, I
neede d them, I wanted them, an I asked her "what are you doing!!" she
said, "saving your life." just then she called 911, an my mom, she told
the police that it wasn't an emergency but that I needed to go to the
hospital cause I needed help, an she told my mom everything, everything
you can possibly think of what I have done, my mom was in shock, she
thought that I was okay, she never knew I was so hurt or that I was
using, she had no idea. I was in the hospital for 9 days, having
withdrawals from the meth an from the Coke, it only takes ONE just ONE
time to be addicted to Meth, JUST ONCE....only once, an I was, from when
it first got into my system, I wanted it more an more every hit more an
more. The Doctors were scared that I was going to die from anorexia,
because for one, I did so much coke I never ate, an 2 I was on meth...
hell if I was hungry, all I could think about was wanting it more. None
of my friends except the one who put me in there tryed to contact me,
for those 9 days. Not my best friend who told me it was the best thing,
it would be my best decision in life if i just did it once. She didnt
try to contact me. I sat in the hospital going thru the shakes, tears,
screams, the dreams, an worst off... the thoughts. I was told that if i
contiuned to drink that my liver would give out within 2 years,
depending on how much i drank, i told them that i can drink just about 2
bottles of UV blue befor i start blacking out an about a bottle of
whiskey befor i balckin out depending on what i was drinking. they said
that would have to stop an they wanted to put me in a program there they
had that was called "STOP" so i went thru 13 weeks of that, sober. i
reconnected with myself, my mother an the rest of my family,
(grandparents, aunts, cousins..ect) everyone except for my father, i am
17 years old as of feb. 16th. i have been clean for the past 6 months,
off everything. I am back in my public school, tryin to catch up my
credits so i can grad uate next year, am im still doing to on my own.
but im doing it.... remember my "best" friend? We'll i talked to her an
her parents, she is now been sober for 3 months, i told her "we got into
this together, were getting out together too" I go to CMA, NA meetings
every tues, weds, thurs, an church on sundays, I dont know anyone but
God who is always there for me, makes me feel like theres hope, an that
i can do it, i can stay sober till the day i die, but i am trying,
trying to figure out who i really am, behind all the drugs an behind all
the mistakes i made, trying to find me again, the girl who walked with
the love of her daddys hand wrapped in hers..... its amazing that since
my father left, that not once did i think of him until i became sober,
cause i wanted to forget, forget that he left, forget that he was ever
there, forget the pain an the anger, forget him.... an i almost did. I
still have not contacted my father after these 6 months of being sober,
but i am in the middle of writing him a letter hat i plan on sending him
soon, tellin him about me, who i am since the last time he's seen me
(which was 10 years old), an telling him i forgive him cause thats what
God has tought me. Forgiveness... that was the biggest mistake i ever
made....
Feel
As
If
Theres
Hope
--M.R.M (Minnesota)
I know this may be
just another story to some people, however I need to share it. My
boyfriend of 12 Years and I got "LOST" in the addiction of doing and
Making meth in 2004-2005. My boyfriend is the best man ever and is now
looking at spending a majority of the rest of his life in prison. On
January 15th, 2005 My door was kicked in and a meth lab was in our
garage. We have two beautiful children, 11 and 8 at the time, asleep
in their beds. My boyfriend was arrested and charged with "Attempt to
manufacture." I bonded him out 2 days later. We "thought" we had it
all figured out now, and went right back to business. Until on
February 13th, 2005 (the day before out 11th anniversary) he was
arrested AGAIN about 8 miles away from our home. Again the charge was
"attempt to manufacture." It was at that time we knew we had to make
some SERIOUS life changes. I couldn't bond him out as easy this time,
so while he sat there I decided that "GOD" is EXACTLY what our family
needs if we are going to make it through this. So I contacted the
pastor at our local church. He was so wonderful to go to the jail and
come to our home and share "GODS word with us. We also had to sit down
and "come straight" with our 2 children, as they had A LOT of
questions and now wasn't the time to try to lie to them. We felt we
had been living a lie to them long enough. We sat down with our
children and read them this poem, in hopes they will learn from OUR
mistake and NEVER get caught up in this drug, or any for that matter!!
My Name is Crystal Meth
I destroy homes, I tear
families apart.
I take your children, and
that's just a start.
I'm more costly than
diamonds, more precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring is a
sight to behold.
If you need me, remember
I'm easily found.
I live all around you,
In schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I
live with the poor.
I live down the street,
and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but
not like you think,
I can be made under the
kitchen sink,
In your child's closet,
and even the woods,
If this scares you to
death, well it certainty should.
I have many names, but
there's one you know best,
I'm sure you have heard
of me,
My name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome, try
me you'll see...
But if you do....
You may never break free.
Just try me once, and I
might let you go,
Try me twice and I'll own
your soul !
When I possess you,
you'll steal and lie,
You'll do what you have
to,
Just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit
for my narcotic charms.
Will it be worth the
pleasure you'll feel in your arms?
You'll lie to your
mother,
You'll steal from your
Dad.
But you'll forget
your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your
conscience, I'll teach you MY ways.
I take kids from
parents,
Parents from kids,
I turn people from
God, and separate friends.
I'll take
everything from you,
Your looks and your
pride.
I'll be with you
always.... right by your side.
You'll give up
everything,
Your family your
home,
Your friends, your
money,
Then you'll be all
alone.
I'll take and take,
Till you have
nothing more to give,
When I'm finished
with you...
You'll be lucky to
live.
If you try me be
warned....this is no game,
If given the
chance.... I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your
body... I'll control your mind.
I'll own you
completely... Your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll
give you while lying in bed,
The voices
you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the
shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to
know... these are all gifts from me.
But then its too
late and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine,
and we shall not part.
You'll regret that
you tried me, they always do,
But you came
to me, not I to you.
You knew this
would happen,
Many times
you were told,
But you
challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could
have said no and just walked away,
If you could
live that day over......... NOW WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
I'll be your
master... You'll be my slave,
I'll even go
with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you
have met me, what will you do???
Will you try
me or not??..... ITS ALL UP TO YOU!
I an
bring you more misery than words can tell....
COME HOLD MY HAND...... LET ME
LEAD YOU TO HELL!!!
I know this is a pretty heave poem
but please pass it on to other addicts you know, It will shine a light
in their eye.... It did ours!!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL
--S
Reflections V
I last left off with...”I will take a break from the story here for
one session of captured reality about the true hurt, misery, and demise
that this drug caused. I kept a journal from time to time as an outlet
of the feelings that were cascading and colliding inside of my mind and
soul.“
And before that interlude the story was about me returning to ice
for and my fiancee's immersion into the suction of the drug's pull. The
last of that installment story was... ”And that went on for the rest of
summer, but turned worse and corrosive and caustic and desperate...which
I will tell you about in the next installment.”
And so we began the spiral of doom, days rolling into days rolling
into days rolling into desperation. It was too easy; our setup was too
accessible and always nearby, always ready. We were third in line behind
the big guy, and he liked us and made an exception for us because he
usually moved pounds or more. He would make a nice one for us because he
believed in us, cared about us--bullshit ice or not--he knew we were
different. We didn’t have people over; she worked for awhile during this
time, I took care of the kids and maintained order around the house.
She’d come home and she’d shower and I pop her a beer and turn on some
music and we’d sit on the couch and do art. What kind of art? Whatever
crossed our minds at the time. She was very talented and I’m ok and we’d
draw or cut stuff out or mess with charcoal or paint or carve or
fabricate or meld any of the aforementioned together and it was art, and
more...it was distraction. Hours on hours on days on weeks we’d do this
stuff. We’d listen to tunes and not even touch our beers until they were
so stale that they weren’t worth saving, even though we needed each one
since we were broke as hell, and we'd continue to scratch or cut or
smear or glue or make a big-ass mess. We rarely spoke, we couldn’t focus
to answer questions, we would wonder aloud if we were speaking verbally
or just thinking, we’d do a toot of the stuff and return to our
collectively divided tasks, whatever the heck it was.
I remember it raining for weeks on end and we were up to see the
rain each and every day and night. We did our artwork until we were sick
of it, until we began to fight, until we did our ice faster and faster
and faster. This rapid rate increased the financial strain, the
involvement in the decadent underground, the anger and irritation and
our separation. The couch became a boxing ring, the bedroom a place of
retribution, the artwork turned unkempt and unfinished. The razor was
never misplaced.
Her nose began to trouble her--I interject here to say that once we
started doing ice I told her I would not hit the pipe with her, that I’d
only do a hot rail at most, and she’d have to live with snorting it--so
this was her way of moving into the pipe phase again. And, after days
and days and days and dammit days! of hearing her honk her nose (which
became an obsession with her) I was open to allowing her to smoke again.
And with that she bought a pipe; I opened the door to hell, and she
never looked back. And we were only to late July. The summer continues
and the relationship ends and the usage boils over in the next-to-last
installment of Reflections coming next month.
This is called Reflections. I can't say my whole story at once, I
just can't. I'll write to this Letters page from time to time and try to
tell it all for those that keep up; just look for Reflections in the
heading. I do want to say that I've made it out, barely. And I will
never lie or embellish my story; all of it is true including my name.
And all the other names of f-ups will be true as well. Please tune in, I
won't keep you waiting long.
--m
Index of Stories & Letters
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