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Methamphetamine: Stories
and Letters of the Hidden Costs
I never, ever in a million years could have guessed the absolute destructive force that is meth. About five months ago, my 17-year-old son started using meth. I know this because he broke up with a girl he seemed head over heels in love with and started hanging out with 'new' friends ~ gangster scraps, kids who want people to believe they're hard core, so they steal and fight and behave like animals to gain acceptance by other kids who steal and fight and behave like animals. The break-up devastated him and he moped around for weeks, moody and depressed. Then suddenly he started going out, hanging with his new friends and staying out all night, making excuses and lying about why he couldn't be home by curfew and telling me to 'chill' when I'd get upset he wasn't abiding by the rules. It seems strange to me that he chose meth as his drug of choice since he spoke about tweakers with much disdain. "Fuckin' tweakers!" was one of his favorite things to say about someone he hated. Then he stopped saying it. Within two months of starting the drug, money began disappearing from my checking account, small, but expensive, electronics like portable DVD players and CD players started disappearing from the house. Then one morning while checking my banking information, I saw a huge amount of money had been taken out with my ATM card. I confronted him and he said he'd never do that to his family, then while I was out of the house, he packed his things and ran away. He's been gone almost two months now and in that time he's come back twice to burgle our home ~ he stole a new VCR/DVD player, his younger brother and sister's Christmas presents (two new 13" Magnavox DVD/TV's), the family computer, an expensive set of sockets, a Sony Walkman with $45 headphones attached, my purse with all my banking information, and our van. He then stole $400 from our bank account using my ATM card, then using my business credit card, stole $55 from that account. We secured the house after that putting alarms on all outside doors, locks on all the windows ~ we even bought a 12-gauge shotgun. He broke in again about a week ago, but only got as far as the garage, where he stole about $50 worth of meat from the freezer and other food items stored in the garage. When he opened the garage door that is attached to the house, the door alarm went off and scared him away. The crap part about all of this, as if this weren't crappy enough, is there is an underground railroad type mentality amongst his friends. Everybody knows where he is, but will only say they saw him there AFTER he's already left. I've had police scouring the neighborhood with specific addresses and phone numbers to no avail ~ the kid is just one step ahead of them, and I know we're not the only place he's stolen things from. I hear lots of mumbling in the 'hood about what he's been seen with and where he may have gotten it, so his life of crime is running full force. He is completely out of his mind. He isn't even the kid I raised. Other than vaguely resembling the child I know and love, this violent creature roaming the streets wearing my son's name isn't mine anymore. My greatest fear is that I will live the rest of my life afraid he will remain this thing meth has turned him into, and that he will haunt us our whole lives until he kills us or we are forced to kill him. --Justine my meth story!! i am now
20 years old and have been clean for a year and two months. it
all started january 21,2004. my senior year what i thought would
be the best time in my life turned out to be the beginning of a
downward spiral!! my friend and i went to visit her friend at a
motel and when we got in the room there was two guys.. one being
a cook and the other the biggest drug dealer in jackson county.
so my friend and i decided that we would try the drug. we were
only going to do it that night. yeah right that night took me on
a year journey. after that night i started talking to the guy in
the motel room every day knowing that he would smoke dope with
me. so every day we would meet up and get high at this point in
my life that is all i lived for. my parents got a divorce and i
lived with I am 15 years old and haven't done meth. I am with someone that is in rehab for meth and this is my story.  I'll call him john and he was nothing near someone that i would
date. I didn't want to talk to him even before i knew what he
had done. It was a party and i smoked weed but he wouldn't. He
and some friends were there and i had known them for a while
except him. I wasn't the one that gave him the number where i
was. A friend of his talked to my friend i was staying the
summer with and he got it. He called me the next day and i just
told him that i had to go. He called the next day and i told him
the same thing. The third day his mother called me and i talked
to her for over an hour. She told me his story and this made me
run more until i found ou tho he really was. The person that he
did meth with first was his father who then put him in the
hospital (he beat him up). He had been to rehab and was almost 9
months clean when he used again. I had went home from my summer
love as i called it. I still loved him but i had to go and had
no choice. I went home and kept in contact with him for the
entire time. I found out from his cousin that he was on it but
everytime that he said it he told me he was playing. I didn't
know but i had suspected it and didn't tell him. Around october
I called his house instead of cell. His mom told me that he was
in the hospital but not why and I didn't ask. He came home
because he wouldn't tell what had happened to him so they
couldn't treat him. I called again for 3 weeks and then the last
time that i said i would call his cousin told me that he was on
meth and in jail. I knew that he was going back to rehab at this
point but not how bad he had been. I moved down with my
grandmother because things at home weren't that great. I started
talking to him the week before christmas eve and seen him on
christmas eve. I told him that i still loved him and i do. With
everything that i am. I know that he might not make it that
doesn't matter to me right now what does is his getting away
from everything. He is moving away from his home town and to a
place where he knows very few people. I am waiting for him to
come home and my reason for sending this in is that EVERYONE
deserves a second chance, and a third abd last. I know that he
needs me more than i need him and that if he could he would
change what happened. Tell people that they need help and don't
let them suffer get them help!!! I know that i maybe stupid and
ignorant for this but everyone needs someone don't just leave
them behind for a mistake. Take them in your arms and hold them
and tell them that you want to be there for them and really be
there! Meth can break you more than make you. Help them don't
watch i already lost a dad to this don't let this happen to
someone else.--Nik A bright light
--han Some background about me: I'm a 35-year-old mother of a beautiful 11-month-old daughter, I have a Master's degree from an Ivy League university, and I'm a stay-at-home mom with a terrific husband. Meth has turned up peripherally in my life on several occasions in the past few months. This is odd because I only know a couple people who dabble in anything stronger than weed... which tells me that the meth epidemic is seriously out of control and needs to be addressed by.... the government? everyone? My first "peripheral" experience with meth came when my cousin left her husband of 17 years, and father of her adolescent sons, for a meth addict. She and the addict had a year+-long, tumultuous, on again/off again relationship. He made promises he didn't keep, he disappeared for days on end, he became violent, but "the sex was amazing"! Well, she finally ended up leaving him because - as she put it- "he loved another girl more than he loved me, and her name is Crystal." It really sounded like he cared very much  for my cousin,
but he just wouldn't give up meth/his behavior for her. Now she is living with
yet another man who does not do meth, but she has basically killed the
relationship she had with her sons... they don't respect her and don't even care
to see her. My second and more tragic peripheral experience with meth came when I discovered that a distant relative and her husband, both 20, were found dead of an accidental meth OD in some seedy motel. Left behind was their 12-month-old son. How could they? Would they have gone if they had known what would happen? After reading the stories on this website it seems the answer might be "yes". This makes my blood run cold, but the "bright side" of this tragedy is that this child, who is being raised by his grandmother, will not have to deal with meth-addicted parents... one of the saddest "bright sides" I've ever seen, but true nevertheless. Without even trying, I've managed to catch pieces of a couple television documentaries about meth. Families torn apart, children being tormented, neglected, abandoned. DEA training for raiding meth labs/houses... they have to use extreme caution when entering because of a) the violent nature of the residents, and b) potential exposure to blood-borne pathogens (hep C, HIV, etc) due to gaping sores on said residents. Meth addicts whose entire existence is living on a mattress on the floor of a dirty, grimy lab/house and shooting up all day. They hate it and have bleak, miserable lives. I felt bleak and miserable watching it. One such "mattress-squatter" was a woman who had left her husband, children, home, job... all to end up lying on a dirty mattress in some nasty house and shooting up all day and all night. What kind of life is that? I once heard a pastor say that being in Hell (the actual place) is like having an aching, intense, overwhelming physical/emotional desire that will never be met for all eternity. For all you addicts out there... isn't that what you're experiencing now? How will death be any different for you? You keep using in an attempt to recapture the perfection of those first few highs and you'll never get them again. You use til your teeth fall out, you're covered in sores, you've lost love and respect, you've lost your health, your family, your job, your car, home, etc., all for a fleeting feeling. A false feeling at that. I've been reading the stories on this website over the past 3 days, and it has scared me straight. Well, from pot at least... I've never done meth, but have smoked weed fairly regularly for 7 years now (minus 18 months while trying to conceive, being pregnant and nursing). I studied substance abuse in grad school, and marijuana use was sort of laughed about - like, haha, there isn't even a treatment program for that... it's not really a drug, it's not physically addictive. Well, I can tell you that I had an emotional addiction to weed that seemed similar to the addictions described on this website ... similar in that I got to the point where I would smoke weed every night if I had it even after developing quite a tolerance and not enjoying the high as much. I would wake up in the morning and feel terrible about it and swear that I wouldn't do it tonight, and then I would do it all over again. Obviously, the addiction-potential and long term effects of chronic weed use are minimal compared to meth, but it's still doing something you don't want to do every day just because you're addicted to the feeling and especialy when you're not even getting the feeling anymore. Thanks in part to the stories on this site, I made the decision yesterday and completely trashed all weed and weed-related paraphenalia I owned and it's gone for good. Years ago I'd made a false-pretense of quitting by throwing away my supply, but this time I've thrown away everything including smoking devices. I'm sheer determination, changed for good, never goin back again. I feel so free and strong now, and I truly feel in my heart that I've done the right thing for me and my family and most of all for my God. I refuse to even be close to the point where I lose everything I own, my health, my precious baby girl and - most importantly - my soul. I became a born-again Christian in 2003. I seriously prayed and read the Bible every day and developed a great relationship with God, but somehow managed to lie to myself about using weed. Well, it was an obstacle between God and me... recently when I would light up I would think of the verse in the Bible where Jesus asked "Lovest thou these more than me?" No, I didn't love drugs more than God, but lit up anyway. What a slap in the face to a God who has blessed me beyond belief. Well, He has forgiven me and delivered me - once again. He wants to do the same for you, and all you have to do is ask Him. You are NOT too far gone for God. There is no sin you can commit that cannot be forgiven in Jesus' name. He loves you no matter what you've done, and no matter how dark and bleak your circumstances. He is the light and can restore you and make you whole again. He can give you love and happiness and strength to move beyond the limitations of meth or any other addictive substance. You don't have to give up meth or anything first... it's just like the song in the Billy Graham Crusade "Just As I Am" - that's how you come to Him... just as you are. Ask Him to come into your heart and life and He will come and you will be changed. Although I've been working on a relationship with God for 3 years now, it also took that long for me to get to this point where I have been set free with a passion. The key is don't turn away from Him - do what you have to do, but keep praying to Him and He will hear you and deliver you. Don't stop praying out of shame... keep praying, keep knocking on His door and He will not turn you away even if you're high. Many times I prayed to Him while I was high - sort of brazen and I was ashamed, but I quickly got over the shame and I knew He wouldn't give up on me if I persevered. That's what He's there for - to help us through. Your transformation may happen overnight and it may happen over a period of years, but it will happen. With Him all things are possible. May God wipe meth off the face of the Earth forever and save all those lost souls. I pray for all the addicts, their families and especially the children. End the cycle. --Jessica hey im 16 years old
and i was trying to find info on meth and i found this i smoked ice for the
first time not so long ago and i wouldnt do it so much i always preferd smoking
weed:) but after a while i
Last Man Standing Hi My name is......,
I live in a small town where you think that there is not a problem with METH but
that is actually the biggest problem around where i live. i started using meth
last summer. I started just doing it the odd weekend and then it turned out that
i was doing in during the week and then it was everyday. I would never inject it
only sniff it or smoke it. somedays i would be up for days on end the longest i
ever stayed up on it was 6 days and by then i knew i had a problem. But i didnt
admit it...i always said i am not the addictive type of person..but Hey who isnt.
Family of Ruins Meth is Death im a slowing down
dopefiend,not by choice.but because the shit is to hard to keep a steady
supply.i like everyone else started smoking&snorting couple of years outta high
school.It was fun for a long time .i could stay up for days. i am abrick/block
mason,out in the hot ass sun eight hours and longer,by the time i got off work i
was ready for bed.or so i thought. i find some pissy ass excuse for my self
leading me to believe that i needed just a little more,that it would be ok im
tired it wont have that much of an effect on me .by lunch time the next day, i
found out that i lied to myself again.id get a hot dog make my self choke it
down,do me a little more dope back off to the races.Lay block make money.went on
for years same routine,well besides the little jail breaks i got ever now and
then.Shit just a little time to put back on some weight. Hey, I really have
enjoyed reading all of the stories about meth on this website. Now, I'll tell
you mine. hello my name is
ashley and i was a meth addict for 2 years iam 19 years old this is my story. i
have been clean and sober now for going on almost a year and half now. this is
kind of a touchy
How meth took control of my
life please stop and belive
Hi, my name is Dawn.
I started using crystal at the age of 14 yrs. old. I used daily for 7 years, and
only stopped because I ended up in Prison. Since them I have visited twice
since. I barely have got to the point where I don't want to live this life
anymore, I have lost everything , ( i.e.,), my freedom, my family, my career,
and my home. I am but an empty shell of a life that could have been.
--Diana
--donna Complete Meth Distress Hello...My name is
Brittany and I'm 17 years old. I came across this site while I was doing a
research paper for my expository writing class. I want to tell my story hoping
that someone will read it and consider changing their lives. I know my story
isn't one of the worst out there, but I
my name is regina am
29started meth when i was 23 i had a bran new trailer, car my cousin showed me
what it was i started dealing in 2003 i was driving to make a deal and almost
went to jail but by the grace of god i was saved they got someone else besides
me about. about three years ago i came to the needle and it was the best thing
ever now i think back i was really stupid cause now there might be damage to my
lungs on the count of it my advice to the people the only way you can stay clean
is dont associate with anyone that does it and if you love anyone look at theme
when u think of doing meth againand how they would feel if they were having to
say there goodbyes before they put u in the ground METH KILLS I have a 19 year old
son who is currently in prison for crimes related to his meth use. I wouldn't
have written, except that I read Amber's letter...and I think my son was in
Lower Buckeye Jail with her dad...he called home many times asking me to pray
for the guy. Meth has torn the heart out of
Let me start by
saying that my husband and I have been clean and sober for just over 4 years. On
January 2nd, 2002, my boyfriend was arrested by the DEA on charges of Conspiracy
to
My story includes so
many of the same circumstances as the stories I have read. I'm writing because
for the therapy and the sense of belonging I have to the group. I tried crank
for the first time when I was 33 yrs old. Two fellow office workers had been
using for over a year and I saw no
Dear Crystal Meth; My husband wrote this poem, it gave me some insight on how he must feel as he
struggles with his addiction to meth. Way deep down inside of me Email letters to kcimeth@yahoo.com All submissions become the property of the KCI The Anti-Meth Site. The KCI The Anti-Meth Site reserves the right to reject any submission. The
reader should be aware that the KCI The Anti-Meth Site is not responsible for the content of
any submission. Editing changes for clarity, spelling and readability is for the benefit
of the readers. Some stories may be graphic. HOME
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Trying to stay free
Hi, my name is
Lauren and I am sharing my story with you in hope that it will inspire others to
get clean. I started using meth in my junior year of high school. I first heard
about other friends including my cousin were doing it. Alcohol, marijuana, and
ecstacy were getting old. I was ready for something stronger and different. I
used meth until my freshamn year of college. To be honest, I used so much at one
point of my life I can hardly remember where I was or who I was with for that
span of time. My memory from that time in my life is pretty much shot I was just
focused on getting more and doing more. Anyway, I quit using shortly after I got
to college for two reasons, my cousin had a baby and I knew that baby would need
a positive role model and I got pregnant and realized how irresponsible my drug
habit made me! My body wouldn't accpet the drugs once I got pregnant and I
couldn't stop throwing up, in the end I lost my baby. I eventually cut off all
ties with my old friends who used and found new friends who don't care about my
horrible past and only care about the success of my future. I now have only one
year left of college and then I get my bachler's degree and last semester I was
honored by the college to be named on the dean's list for my good grades. Once
you're body and mind find the inspiration to quit using you will be ready. Life
is waiting and it feels good to live again!
my dad and i would sneek out at night. stay up for
weeks at a time. i would not have to pay for the crank but when
i did i would just steal the money from my job. i lost 20 pounds
and i loved evey second of it. i thought i was so pretty. i had
sores from where i had picked my face all night. eveuently kevin
(the drug dealer) and i became a couple. we would stay in one of
his friends garages for weeks and take showers every couple days
at different peoples houses. i would go make runs for him when
he was busy tweeking and doing things. he would recieve stolen
property and i would take these items to different places for
him. it would give me the rush that i needed. keivn had a
daughter and he would never see her beacause he was to busy
getting high.
nths now. Before this I
worked at the same job for 8 years and made 6 figures. I had
everything I wanted. Due to the use of Meth I separated from my
wife and 5 kids. My house burnt down.(due to meth use) Got my
cars rep ode and lost my job. I had no where to live and I owned
nothing but a couple pair of jeans and a couple T-shirts Even
that didn't stop me I still had 24,000 in my 401k money to blow
and 30,000 from my house to blow on the dope. Soon as that was
gone I quit using I never went to treatment I was just tired of
doing the same old thing getting the same old results. I got
employment started making 75,000 a year. Got some clothes a
place to live and a car and 9 months later I thought I could
just use it for the weekend. 2 months later I realized the
weekend was over and I was hooked again. So again I realized
same old results. Lost my job went to jail and had no place to
live. So here I am 13 months clean a new place to live (a
trailer home). A new job (now 45,000 a year). and I still have 3
court dates(at least 30 more days). Also my wife and children
are still not living with me(but we are talking and working it
out). My light is there(not to far away). Far is the last 13
months. It may seem like I lost a lot in terms of what I had
then and what I have now. but I didn't I have gained.(Love
Respect Honor Happiness and most important Sobriety). I AM
HAPPIER TO DAY THEN EVER. So for those of you who cant see the
light. (IT TAKES TIME AND WILLINGNESS AND COURAGE) and you WILL
SEE THE LIGHT ONE DAY!!!!! 
got hold of some money and i bought allot i didnt
think it would hurt me so much i smoked it with a friend that night and we got
so wired my hair was rdy to float off i loved it so much i thought it would just
be a normal thing then i got into being ina roler coaster smoking weed and
teeking and i got use to being always in a roler coaster i chated on my
girlfirend allot of times everyones hated me and i didnt care i didnt care about
noting all i did was just putthose things aside it was great then i jusr started
tweaking got super skinny and i could feal my mind geting stupider each time but
i kept on going ,now i lost allot of my friend and my good friends theyre all
into it and i keep thinking its my fault if i owuld of give them those litle
hits maib they wouldnt be diferent all the time now i dont have my girlfriend
that i rlly liked wen i dumpe dher like a week later i realised wat i did but i
think its veter for her no mater how much it hurts im still on it i was all
malia this morning so i started kleaning all my kitchen and runing...now most of
the time im just sad depressd a shitload of mood swings confused cant make up my
mind i think allot too much cant rlly get m head straight but for some reason i
know i dont need rehhab... the world and its ppl are a bad place anyways.....
1994 meth came into our life. It will never control me. At the same time
for the next 8 years watched it destroy everyone else. My inlaws lost 50,000 in
cash tow harley davidsons and a new blazer. My wife spent a year in jail for
stealing money to support her 4 little sisters still at home. Still it will
never control me. After my wife got out af jail we started to prosper. My wife
was moving up the latter at work making 50,000 a year i was making 35,000
working 8 months a year in road constuction. Still using meth. It will never
control me. We sat back and watched it still destroying everyone around us. WE
purchasd our dreem home, had two beutifull boys,2 atvs, 2 jeeps, and aboat.
Becouse it will never control me.
I dont know why i started using i guess it was cause i seen
everyone else dong it and having fun. I watched my uncles both get into drugs
and never thought at the time that i might turn out like them. I seen my
friends(meth users) falling deep into depression when they were on it, i wanted
to help but i knew i couldnt help them until i helped myself. MY best friend had
lost her mother at the age of 16 and from there she fell hard into the drug
world around us. she has been using everyday since, well since i can remember
the first line she took. I either see her stealing sleeping and hardly eating
now. She has lost many things already and continues to use. I have tried to tell
her to stop but she doesnt think that she has a problem. I have recently quit. i
knew that i was destroying myself and the other around me so me and my friend
decided to quit together....as i thought anyways....she recently relapsed
overthe weekend.
Hi my name is Nikki
I'm 17 I have 5 mounth clean from meth it has been the hardest thing I have ever
done in my life I have been using drug my hole life i was 10 when i first tryed
I was huckt on hoerin when I was 12 then I got off of it when I was 15 then I
picked up some meth one day because i was having a bad day I took one hit of the
pipe and i was on i lost every thing from that day on my family my house i moved
into the streets didn't no where I was going to sleep at night all i cared about
was getting my meth
didn't care what I had to do as long as I got it. then when i was 16 I got sent
way to Kamloops BC got a year clean got a house a job I had everything I ever
need then one day I let some one back into my life from my past that was end for
me before i new it I was right bake to the pipe I lots my house my job every
thing I was back at nothing. Stared liveing on the streets agen sceared. ever
day is so muck hareder then the first time I cleaned up everthing i do All i can
think about is meth I want it ever min of the day but i keep telling myself I'm
better thin it
both got out at the same time
when I was 15 and moved in w/ my dad. My dad allowed and promoted my meth use
for a few months and then suddenly quit and tried to make me as well. Of course,
as a rebelious young teen, I didn't. He then started to try to beat the dope out
of me which place me back with my mom. By this time my sister had her child
which she concieved during foster care. My mom was very easy to talk into
things. (she had done meth in her younger years) So, basically my sister and I
started doing whatever we wanted. I had started getting ounces of meth on the
front at this point, staying up for weeks at a time. Before I knew it, I didn't
even know who I was anymore. I got so paranoid, I ended up moving with my
girlfriend about 45 min. away. As I moved out, this multiple convicted felon who
was around 30 yrs old moved in. He needed a place to stay and they needed to get
meth from somewhere since I wasn't around. Next thing I knew, my sister had
stolen my moms car with that guy while she was at work and went and robbed that
guys parents house. Then she gave up her daughter because she was charged w/ 2
felonies. The guy never came back with her car and the only parts that were
found was the skeleton of the car abandoned in the country somewhere. She didn't
call the police for 2 weeks after it happened because she "loved him so much".
She never saw a penny from the Insurance on the brand new 20000 dollar car.
Immediately she married the first person she came across, a now recovered long
time meth abuser. My sister still does not have custody of her daughter and
barely gets visitation. Luckily, around the time of the car theft, "God" sent me
the best thing that ever happened to me. My present girlfriend. I was about 17
at this point and had started working full-time. I lived in that area for about
two more year after that and still could not kick my meth habit. She then
enrolled in virginia tech which left me back home by myself again. My habit just
got worst. When she came back at the end of the year, when started planning on
moving to Blacksburg together. We actually did it and now here I am, 20 yrs old.
Most of my teeth are rotted out and i have alot of skin problems. I used to be
such a popular and likeable person. Now I can barely make a friend or smile
because of my mangled teeth. I have red blotches all over my skin so I look like
a freak. I'm actually crying as I'm typing. I haven't talked to anyones who
seems to really care or understand in a long time. But the important part is,
I'm still alive and I have kicked my meth habit which was one of the hardest
things ive ever had to do. I'm trying to get into college and I work all the
time. But the hardest thing is coping with the after-effects and trying to
continue my life. Looking back, I really didn't know what I was doing to myself.
I want to blame my parents for everything and for not trying to help me. It's so
hard looking at my girlfriend family and seeing them so happy. I just wish......
If someone out there reads this and feels like talking, please email at
mattpropst85@yahoo.com. I can't type anymore I'm getting a headache from crying.
I suppose I began to use meth because I wanted to fit in
somewhere...After another failed marriage I felt lost & angry, & I really didn't
give a shit at the time about anything, especially myself...Thank goodness my
folks were around to raise my kids for me while I was sticking my head up my ass
for my year-long love/hate relationship with the meth monster...My new
girlfriend was all too happy to support my new habit, & since her own father
made it, it wasn't ever in short supply...In the beginning, I thought my old bar
buddys & new-found friends had just developed a few minor
eccentricities...Walking around mumbling to themselves, pulling out their own
hair, picking at their faces in the mirror at all hours of the night, taking
things apart for no reason & not being able to put them back together, paranoid
delusions, hearing voices & seeing hallucinations...A few people here & there
had managed to hold onto a car or two & a place to live...Sometimes there'd be a
dozen meth-heads living in a 2 bedroom trailer...Most however, had turned to the
life of a transient, crashing wherever they managed to find a place, or they'd
steal enough from somewhere to re-up and buy an eightball or teener, then they'd
cut it & have enough to get themselves high plus sell some & get a seedy motel
room...I don't imagine things have changed much...I found myself in all kinds of
precarious situations during my yearlong stint with the meth monster...Sometimes
it amazed me that all the illegal activity I observed was going on right under
the public nose...Rip-offs & returns (which they nicknamed R&R), burglaries,
robberies, illegal guns, etc...I once found myself standing in the middle of a
chop-shop in a building that looked like a normal legitimate business in the
middle of town...On the inside, however, stolen cars were being repainted & sold
or traded, & I was shocked to find myself surrounded by needle freaks shooting
up in various rooms, a lot of them my former bar-buddies that I never would have
suspected had I not seen it with my own two eyes...Then there were the other
folks casually tossing guns back & forth & looking at me with the
I've-been-up-for-a-week gleam in their eye of paranoid suspicion...I'm probably
lucky to have survived a lot of that ordeal, & maybe even in the throes of
addiction I showed a little sense by never smoking or shooting it up which might
have made it a little easier to walk away from...
I didn't consider myself addicted because after all, I didn't smoke
it or use a needle...But after a very short time I began to mimic the paranoid
delusions of my fellow crankster gangsters (that I had laughed at earlier,
because I thought I had a stronger mind than they), even going so far one night
as to remove all the mirrors in a motel room because I swore I heard voices on
the other side of the wall which convinced me that the mirrors were all one-way
& I was being spied upon...In the beginning I had imagined myself to be a part
of something akin to what I had missed in the late 60's & early 70's, some sort
of a counterculture group that cared & looked out for one another, you know, the
'free love' thing...But my new group of friends that I had thought so highly of
not long before had mostly all turned out to be nothing more than junkies, the
majority of them all now used needles or they smoked it...Pretty soon I
discovered that they only wanted one thing in life, & that was another baggie of
meth, if it took ripping me off or stealing from their family & friends, well
then so be it...I found myself wondering why these people would trade in
everything they loved in life, whether it was their children, family ties or
their own self respect, for a nightmare life of addiction & sorrow...I then
realized that I was being hypocritical, because hey, wasn't I doing the same
damn thing..?!! I had no home, job or car, my children were with my overworked
parents instead of their dad, & I was surrounded by lawbreaking, backstabbing,
paranoid/delusional junkies with rotten teeth that couldn't care less if I lived
or died, as long as I didn't get in the way of their next fix... 
now,ten years down the road pretty much the same,except now instead
of smoking or snorting i fire Tie your shoe laces im taking you on a five six
sometimes seven day trip.The longer i stay up the happier i am.i can keep my
composer to those who dont really know me up pretty good but,for the very few
that i do still know they know how twisted i really am.hell there for aminute i
quit my job,sold dope to keep my habit up.But i just couldnt handle that a man
isnt a man unless he has a job.id go outside sometimes to early and no shit go
right back in because i couldnt see sun was to bright,but waiting very
impatiently for sunrise i could go and play early in the mornings.i went into
walmart a while back ago in the day time,shit had to go it just didnt feel
right,real early night/mornings was my time because i knew i was around fellow
geekers just watch them watch me,but we would keep our peace and stroll
aimlessly around for a couple of hours buying stupid shit to take home take
outta the wrapper to take apart.That i enjoy very much why?hell dont know but it
never got put back together.i could be doing ten things at one time,but never
finished nothing,except getting out there"IN THE BUSHES 24/7' hit a lick never
miss a tick .
subject for me since i dont like to discuss it because even
though i have been clean for as long as i have i still sometimes crave it. i
started using crank when i was 16. my boyfriend at the time had got some and he
gave me a bump no bigger than the size of my pinky fingernail and i was hooked.
i was homeless for over a year, i quit school even though i was an honorole
student and nothing else seem to matter but dirty. i lost all my friends most of
my family turned theire backs on me. i turned tricks for it and ended up with an
std that has now made me infertile which means i can never have kids.i used to
say i would never have sex with some one for money because i wasnt a whore but
eventually i did.no one thinks it could happen to them but it can happen to
anyone.it happened to me. that was a very scary and lonely time in my life i
ended up in jail and back on the streets. in my mind i couldnt understand why
everyone hated me and was out to get me but in reality they didnt hate me at all
they hated the drugs. i used powder (cocaine) weed, pills even crack but nothing
could get me as high as crank. its the highest high you can ever reach like your
on top of the world and nothing can touch you almost as if you are superman. i
ended up lossing every thing i owned, all my family and all my friends. what i
didnt sell i stole. i even stole from my own mother wich i regret everyday now.
that was a very low point in my life. one day i decided to leave town and never
look back. i left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my purse. i met a
guy and have been with him going on two years now. he saved my life. i asked him
to help me. help me get my life back together. he did just that. i dont beleive
in "rehab". i think that its a crock. i got off the shit and gained some weight
i now weigh 98 pounds. i still have breathing problems but im healthy and happy
and not alone. im clean and sober and dont regret a damn thing because
everything that i whent threw happened for a reason. god dont put anything in
front of you that you cant handel and i thank god evryday for giving me the
strength and the courage to get threw each day becuase with out god i dont think
i would be alive today because every thing happens for a reason. my name is
ashley and i was a meth addict. thats my story. 
I remember I was 19 years old the first time I used meth. I had
never felt so much energy than I did that night. It was awesome to feel so much
energy. As time progressed, I started using more. I kept using until I found out
I was pregnant, which I was 3 months along before I found out. I stayed clean
for a couple of months, and then used a couple of times when I was 5-6 months
pregnant. I am just greatful that my baby turned out ok with no birth defects
since I was using in the early stages of pregnancy. Needless to say I started
doing meth again after the baby was born. I was high around her and still took
care of her, so I thought it was ok and that I wasn't doing anything wrong
because I was still taking care of my baby. Soon it got to the point that I
would leave her at home with my mom so I could go party with my friends and get
high. I wasn't around too much to take care of my daughter, and when I was, it
was just until my mom came home from work and then I'd be off and running again.
I missed my baby's first words, her first steps she took, and I wasn't there
when she woke up in the middle of the night crying for her mommy. It also didn't
help that I was seeing a guy that was bad into drugs too.
I ended up moving in with some other friends and I got a job at a
convenience store. After awhile it got to the point that I was stealing things
from the store, as well as letting my "friends" steal things too, so I could get
dope when I had no money. I considered it a favor they owed me, as well as doing
sexual favors for dope too. I just let it get out of hand to the point when I
was caught and fired for it. I then had charges pressed against me for that.
Then it got to the point that they were selling dope and we had plenty left over
for ourselves too. I had never done as much dope in a weeks time than I did with
them. It was unreal to think about it now, but then it was quite fun getting all
spun out on dope and taking late night walks feeling like people were watching
you. It was freaky, but a rush at the same time. It got to the point that I
ended up getting kicked out of there because I was buying dope instead of giving
them money for rent. I was upset about it at first, but at the same time I am
relieved that it happened because it got to the point that the house was being
watched and a lot of freaky shit was going on. The last time I had done meth was
on Aug. 15, 2005, after I had court on my theft charges and was setenced to 2
yrs in prison with credit for time already served. I just got probation out of
it and have to see a probation officer. It is now Jan. 18,2006. I have never
felt as good as I do about myself. I'm going to counseling and N/A meetings
weekly, as well as getting enrolled into college to get a degree in becoming an
office assistant. So those of you that are doing meth I just want to tell you
that there is hope if you really want to quit. Where there's a will there's a
way. I guess once you hit rock bottom you will realize that, but then there are
some I know that have hit rock bottom and they are still doing it. I guess you
just want to want it is all.... Sobriety that is. I have messed up my life so
much to the point that my family didn't want nothing to do with me until just
here recently, which I'm the one that takes the innitiative to talk to them, but
atleast we are talking better than we were 5 yrs ago. All I know is that it
realle f***ed up my life and I hope that this story helps some of you who want
help.
Hi, my husband is a
meth user, I am here sitting asking myself, how can that happen. About 5 yrs ago
he stopped using meth, now he admitted to have fell back on using it. For
everyone out there, the only answer is GOD. Anyone can live a meth free life, if
they want to. A person that enjoys getting high with you, is not a friend. Real
Friends help friends. Cry out to GOD whole heartedly and he will answer if you
have a sincere heart. I am so devastated with the news from my husband and
regardless I am clinging on to GOD, for his meth addiction. I am writing this
letter with tears running down my face, so torn inside, but I know that GOD can
heal and fix everything, nothing is impossible with GOD, because he is GOD. He
can help my husband and anyone out there on meth, if you let him. The DEVIL
always seeking who he may devours. GOD is always seeking a vessel he can feel.
Turning your life to GOD is the best thing you can do for anyone out there on
meth or not. The world has nothing to offer us but trouble. Meth doesnot give
you anything but a fews hours high instead it tears everything and everyone
around you. Seek GOD he is waiting. GOD bless all of you. I am trusting GOD for
my husband and pray for all of those out there on meth, that you get a hold of
GOD before it is too late. Don't let the devil steal everything you have. The
children are the most affected part of this DEVIL, EVIL druggggg. Our children
are the one that look up to us as parents and they are the future of tomorrow,
if we can only show them, that there is hope for them. America open you eyes. We
as parents are to pick up our children when they fall, not our children to pick
parents on their downfall. Stand up and take charge of that life and that family
that so much loves us. I am telling you this because as I said I found out my
husband fell in the meth game again. (I do not do drugs nor alcohol). I am here
to tell you don't let this chance slip away. GOD is great and does not matter
the test or the trial he put in front of us and family, he can see us thru it,
if we let him. GOD does not give more than what we can handle. A life of meth is
hell, stand up to that DEVIL and he will flee, if we want him to. Life is peace
and happiness with GOD and an life free of meth. Thank you for this site.....
custody of his 3.5 year old girl. We’ve been
together for about 2 and a half years and it was probably 7 month into our
relationship that he started using. Actually when I met him he had been clean
for 10+ months. Anyway, 10 days after I found out I was pregnant I kicked him
out because he came home so drunk he couldn’t get up off the couch to throw up.
So by kicking him out he chose to get back into meth. I can’t even begin to tell
you what my life has been like for the past 20 months. Pure hell. The way my
life is I should be the drug addict. I’m about to lose my house into
foreclosure, everything I’ve ever owned has been either broken, sold, traded, or
just completely destroyed. My wedding rings have had loans on them more times
them I can count. My first wedding ring he sold but I still have to pay the
bill. He has maxed out all of my credit cards and is just basically using me for
a door mat. Through my entire pregnancy he would come and go as he pleased no
matter how many times I kicked him out. He would ransack the entire house to the
point where you couldn’t walk through it all. He was obsessed with finding proof
that I was cheating on him… yes, he thought I was cheating on him through my
entire pregnancy and he still does. As a matter of fact he just ransacked the
house again yesterday. He was violent through my entire pregnancy and one time I
had a pulled muscle in my stomach because of it. Just recently he punched me so
hard in the face that my eye closed up and I will have a permanent scar on my
forehead from hit. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. There’s currently a
“no contact” order on him and he’s on 2 years probation. The biggest problem is
he doesn’t know who he is anymore. He can’t function in regular society so he
uses because he’s depressed then using makes him more depressed so he uses to
get over that. He smokes it and eats it and does it to the extreme. He’ll be up
for 5+ days with out eating or drinking anything and he gets to the point where
he’s a complete psychotic schizophrenic. He’s been in the hospital for seizers,
he was sent home from jail because his blood pressure was equal to that of a
person having a stroke. None of it makes any sense to me at all. His poor
daughter is so emotionally messed up she doesn’t know if she’s coming or going.
She follows her dad around the house while he’s going through garbage cans,
drawers, and the food in the kitchen and she asks him why he’s messing up the
house. She’s seen him hit me, spit on me, and call me every name in the book. I
have literally let it ruin my life and when I tell him that he laughs at me and
says good! He just doesn’t care about anything except for getting his next pipe.
We haven’t been together now for 10 days now and it’s hard but he’s doing
nothing to improve himself. His rehab is free and he chooses not to go but has
lied to me about going every single day. So, here he is… he’s losing me, his
place to live, his 11 month old daughter, he hasn’t had a job pretty much all
year and it’s all do to meth and his choice to do it. He hasn’t hit rock bottom
yet and I’m not sure if he ever will because his mother loves to enable him – or
finance his suicide (that’s what I call it) . He’s only 26 years old and he will
be lucky if he just ends up with no teeth and health problems because the road
he’s on he won’t live to be 30 and he will never see his children grow up.
believe that any kind of advice could do
some good to somebody. I was one of those people in school who did really good.
I had good grades, played on my varsity volleyball and basketball team, and had
honorable mentions in both sense I was in 9th grade. I come from a small town of
around 900 people, so things that happen here go around very fast. I first
started using meth when I was 16. My boyfriend at the time was a recovering meth
user. But I had no idea that he even used it before I met him. I never knew much
about meth. I occasionally drank and that was it. But then I became friends with
somebody who was recently using the drug. I knew she was but it didn't bother me
because me and her got along great and she made me feel like I had a bigger
sister. I could care less what she did. But after a while it got to the point to
where she wanted me to do it with her. And my boyfriend hated her with a passion
because he knew that she did meth and he didn't want me to get involved in that.
but eventually I did. One night she told me that if I ever tried meth she wanted
it to be with her and no-one else. so that night I agreed to try it. Because she
told me that I wouldn't get hooked on it. Because if a person has a high self
esteem they can quit right away. But I never did have a high self esteem. So
that night a bunch of people came over and we all got high. they loved seeing me
get high because it was my first time. Eventually I told my boyfriend what I did
and he wasn't very happy at all. we fought for about a week and before I knew
it, both him and I were getting high together. Later I found out that his dad
was one of the biggest meth producers in our town. so that didn't make things
any easier. we were getting high every day all day. I lost so much weight. But
yet I would still go to school and play basketball. I thought that meth was
helping me. Because I was still scoring 23 points a game and doing just as good
as I was while I wasn't on it. but it did nothing but wear me out and make me
extremely sick. I started skipping school and my grades started dropping
tremendously. My parents tried to help me but I told them I wasn't on it and had
no problems. (But parents aren't stupid). Finally I skipped school one day and
the cops arrested me and brought me to a juvenile center. I failed my U.A. and
sat in lock up for about a week. Later the judge said I had to go to outpatient
treatment. the good thing was I wanted help. Once I was off it I seen what it
did to me. I never realized it before. so I went to treatment for about 2 months
and everything was going great. my life seemed like it was getting back on
track. Then one day after treatment I met up with that old friend that I used to
use with. and I got right back into it. went on a 2 week binge. went home for a
couple days got everything cleared up with my parents. and sat around for a
while. But the next day was my 17th birthday. Went out partying and started
going out with a guy that I thought was great. Unfortunately he was into meth.
BAD!!! so I started again. I ran away from home while staying at his house. used
every day and thought I was having fun. then one day the cops show up. they
bring me home and say"if your up.a is clean you can stay home, if its dirty
you're going to lock up." I didn't know what to do. I didn't want go back there.
I just got out of there. so i told my mom that i did use, but i wan't help. and
i'll put myself in treatment. so that is exactly what i did. i put myself into
treatment. and ive been clean for 7 months now. its really crazy though because
it feels like i haven't used in like 2 years. But it scares me everyday to think
that my dreams almost went down the drain that fast. I wan't to go to college
and be a sports journalist and play volleyball while i'm there. if i were to
stay on the road that i was on none of that would have every happend. But it is
still very hard because living in such a small town every day you have to deal
with people looking at you like your a horrible person and that you will never
change. But little do they know that's just more of a reason to stay clean.
Becuase no matter how much people try to understand, they won't truely no how
hard it is to stay off it unless they have been on it. I lost so many
friendships that i truly cared about. and the one person that i truely loved
just because of a stupid drug. It's not worth it. This drug is nothing but
trouble. and all it does is ruin lives. People don't even have to use the drug,
and they are still effected by it. ```````````thanx
my family. It has devastated us and
left none of us unscathed. yet, I can see how much further the devastation can
be. Amber, my heart goes out to you. Last year my son decided to hatch a plan to
kill my husband...the man who has loved him and raised him since he was 3 years
old. He got ahold of a gun and hid it in his attic crawl space, with the intent
of killing my husband and then himself. Thank God, a nosey neighbor had some
suspicions and we were able to stop Gregory's plan. Since then he has been in
mental hospitals, rehab, on the streets, joined a racist cult, been in jail, and
now prison. Gregory's life will never be the same, my other 5 children will
never be the same, and my heart will never be whole again. Meth is from the
devil. I know it. Any substance that can take ahold of someone's life and change
it to the point of never being "right" again, must be of the devil. My son was
mentally ill before he started using. I think that is a big part of what made it
attractive to him. He used pot to mellow out and then used the meth to get
himself going and back on what he thought was normal ground. But what it really
did was make his psychosis worse and tear apart what little life he had. He can
never repair the damage that was done to his younger siblings as they watched
him lie on the floor twitching and thrashing from a meth over dose. He can't
give me back the hours that I stood over his lifeless body in emergency rooms
wondering if he would live or die. And if he did live, how were we all going to
survive him. I have felt guilt for being the one that brought him into the world
and all the hell he has brought into everyone else's world. I love him. But meth
is the one thing that love is not strong enough to conquer. Without the meth my
son is ill...but he is beautiful and sweet and loving...with the meth, my son is
still ill and he is a demon possessed monster with no regard for his own life or
anyone else's. He is due to get out of prison in the next couple of months, and
I wonder what life holds for him. I wonder if he'll be able to stay away from
his demon god. I so desperately hope so, as I don't know how many tears I have
left. 
Manufacture Methamphetamine. There was a "sweep" in our area and 17 people in
all were arrested that day. Since then, he served 15 months in Federal
Corrections Facilities. When he was released we married. We have both been
totally sober since the day he was arrested and will continue to be. 
harm to them and tried. After becoming "part
of the group", the let their guard down and I saw the havoc in their lives.
Buying only $50 every 2 wks, I couldn't understand how crank could ruin their
finances, relationships etc.. It didn't take me long. Went to splitting an
eight, keeping the whole eight, to letting an old friend in my house to make
crank. I had no regard for my 2 children. I was so happy to learn how to make
it, I bent over backwards to make him comfortable and neglected my children. By
this time, I lost my job, was getting evicted out of my house and late on my car
payments. My ex-husband filed for custody, took my 13 and 10 yr old. I barely
stayed sober enough to pass a piss test to even visit them. Even on visitation I
would be high as a kite or even making crank behind their backs. I lost
everything, kids, house, car etc.. Made crank and had sex 24 hrs a day. My kids
crying for me didn't stop me, riding around w/meth crap in my car didn't stop
me. Nothing did. I hung around scum bags and became one of the best. Only when I
turned my life over to Christ did things change. Changing my life didn't mean I
couldn't gave great sex, a ton of laughs and enjoy life. It mean't giving over a
fight to powerful for me to someone mighty enough to do my battles. It's been
two years since I've done crank. Jesus has restored everything to me as I could
handle it. Even my dignity and restored me from shame. The first year was tough
until I realized that I had only prayed he would keep me off crank, I hadn't
prayed for him to relieve my cravings. Once I concentrated on prayer for craving
crank, they left me too. No longer do I picture eating filters, puddles and
crank sex, but now I concentrate on going to Christian meetings to speak
w/others who needed hope like I did. As fanatical as this may sound, meth is a
product of Satan himself. He stood at the drawing board for a long time till
meth was perfected. He is out to kill you and I. His only purpose is to destroy
us. Consider the team of Christ. He will always be the victor and so will you
and I as long as we're with him. God Bless, 
I am done with you, I am now free from the tight grip you had on my
life. I have taken my power back from you and am now moving on with my life. How
many lives you have ruined, how many lives you have taken? You wont have mine.
The creator is on my side, I listen to Him now. He tells me that I need my soul
a million times more than you do. Hide in the shadows if you must, the
combination of the creator, my mind, body, and soul can overpower you if you
show your hateful face to me. All the lives you have wrecked, all the lives you
have taken and left in your wake shows me that I have to respect you, rather
than fear you. I respect you, yet keep you at bay. I now have strength, courage,
and love within, there is no more room left for you! The day that I met you it
was love at first sight, today I know that it was false love. I now move on with
my life, ever living, ever growing, with pride. I have defeated you and left you
for dead.