home - letters & stories - message board - chat room - slang names - anti-meth sites

Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   I was addicted to meth and cocaine for two years. I began my downward spiral – doing just one line – to try it. Of course, it was offered to me free of charge, and since I had smoked pot before, I thought…cool, no biggie. Well that one line just to try turned into an every weekend thing, then once a week and on the weekends, to all week and weekend long. I am very petite to start out with and I lost about 20 pounds. I looked like a skeleton; I would push away all of the people that didn’t do it because they just didn’t understand. The only reason I quit was because a friend at the time (my current fiancé) sat me down and told me that I was killing myself. I valued his opinion, he had never lied to me before and he had used before….he was actually the man who “turned me on” to it. I did what he said, stopped snorting, and stopped hanging out with the “friends” who did it……..three years later I am clean (except from smokin’ pot), have money, have a job, have a steady, loving relationship that is not based on meth or coke, and I am in school heading toward my cardiovascular tech degree. All the people I used to do it with are still doing it; they have lost their jobs, children, health……I am sooo glad I am no longer leading that life and I never, ever, ever will be that way again. I still have cravings, and I would be tempted to do it if I were around anyone that did……but I am not and I refuse to be/ I refuse to subject myself to the drugs that have a hold on my life…….amanda, 26 years old,
--georgia

   O.k., here it goes. I’ve been on this site several times prior to today. I am the wife of a meth user. This drug has destroyed my life and the lives of my two beautiful children. It has turned the wonderful man that I married into a monster. He started using long before I ever knew the signs. Then I would find straws that were cut in half, pens that were cut in half, razor blades, and foil. I still did not want to believe it, but I did confront him about it, and he told me he only used it a couple of times to stay awake for work, but that was all. So, because love is blind, I believed him, or made myself believe him. I really didn’t know that much about meth., because I really didn’t want to.
   I don’t want to bore you with all of the details, so let’s just say that his use gradually increased to the point where if he didn’t have it; all he could do was sleep. I don’t understand how this drug can completely change a person. We had it all…… I am a registered nurse with a great job and he is a truck driver. We are in our early 20’s and have a beautiful little girl and boy. We have a dog; we have a cat. We like to grill and we live in a nice house with a nice yard with a picnic table, trampoline, and pool. We both come from wonderful families. I guess what I’m trying to say is we are the average American family; from the outside looking in, picture perfect. But not anymore……meth has taken it all away. Meth is destroying lives and families. It is at everyone’s front door whether they believe it or not. Something has got to be done about this.
   I decided today that I must leave him. He is beginning to drag me down with him…..not to the point of drugs, but to the point of emptiness. He is no longer the man I married. He is now manipulating, deceiving, and uncaring. I have tried everything to save him. I realized this morning, after another lie, that I’m not the one that can save him. He has to want to be saved from this demon. I pray that will come before this drug takes away the little bit of him that is still left.
   I never in a million years would have thought this would happen to me. I’m young, beautiful, ambitious, a great mother,……….and the wife of a meth user.
--TO

I am a functioning addict
   I use meth every weekend and sometimes during the week. I have been using for 6 years. I try to hide my problem but some people can just tell I lie about not using. I have lost alot of weight. I don't sell it I am just a consumer. I think about the time and money that I have dedicated to this drug and it is about $25 per day but that is estimated low considering I have been that way for 6 years and sometimes I binge and spend everything I have. I will never be a whole person on meth only an addict. I have quit many times even moved out of state many times but it is always on my mind. I have lost tons of jobs and money and time and friendships but what hurts me deep inside my heart is all the great things I have willingly sacrificed for this drug. I just want a life without meth and I do not want to go to rehab, I could easily just not buy anymore but I feel like it is a necessity to live. I always say this is the last time until 5-7 days go by after my last high. I wish I had not tried it.
   The best way to stop someone is to make them face the problem and support the steps to fix it. I have no support and I work alot so I don't have time during normal business hours. Just tell your friends it is bad and teach your kids it is bad make them hate the drug before they every try it or hear about it from a someone they trust. Put on the I hate meth and will not be around it. It hurts when your friends will not hang around because they know your on it. Get mad if you know someone is doing it. Teach them how bad it is. Make them feel like it turn you into a prostitute. I am not a prositute nor have I ever stole anything. I just buy it and use it, but I have prostituted my time, my money, my promotions, my relationships with my girl, my family and my friends. I want people to know how bad it is and I could share my experiences with them if that is possible. The only time I am drug free is at work and I take my job seriously so I would call explaining meths dangers work because there is so many. I could spend hours telling why its bad and what it does to your life and body but I can not seem to tell myself no. I feel like I am losing my mind and I know I am losing my mind but I don't stop. WHY would anybody be this stupid. I graduated with a 4.0 but I think I am only worth a 2.0 right now. I want to stop before I lose everything again. In the end I am alone with an addiction that I cannot overcome myself. What should I do?
--functioning addict

   Where do I begin? We have two beautiful, talented daughters. It appears that the first daughter was always jealous of the second one. We never thought we could love a second child as much as we loved the first, but God gave us more than enough love to go around. The first daughter didn't seem to see this, or love herself. At 16 we had issues with her over a boy, mother-daughter conflict, her suicide attempt, therapy, crisis center, major depression.
   We thought she was on the upswing...presented as a symphony deb, graduated with honors from high school, went to a competitive university...and was an officer in a couple of organizations. One of them was a music related group, and she started smoking and doing drugs without our knowledge. After some failed relationships with guys, she started doing meth one summer to lose weight. We didn't recognize the symptoms, and that was the farthest thing from our minds! We were notified of this by a dear male friend of hers and his mom. We quickly set up an intervention, got her home, and took her physically to another state for treatment. All this broke our hearts. The experience is like a living death every day. There is never any closure. Our entire little family is devastated! We wonder why us?
   Of course ours is not the perfect family, but we were so focused on our girls, and never thought anything so severe would happen here! We looked forward to having a close, loving family forever! She became secretly engaged to a man twice her age, with a history of cancer one month after release from the treatment facility. They were married without our blessing or attendance on her daddy's birthday. This has been more than a nightmare. All of this caused by choices, has been more devastating than she could ever imagine. Our younger daughter cannot embrace this sister now. We cannot imagine what could have caused this, or where we go from here. We are trying to go forward without her. We have only occasional e-mails with her now...no phone calls. There is much more that has happened. We have no place else to turn, and must just try to go foward. Devastation has hit my heart and it is so hard to rebuild that . Unless you are a loving, devoted parent, you cannot begin to know the loss and pain caused by all of this. Why would any human do this to themselves and their family?
   We think she smoked pot prior to only about three months of meth. Why? Additionally, other adult family members blame us, and want us to embrace her now! They can, there is nothing invested, and I don't mean financially! Why has this happened? We have lost a daughter, our daughter has lost her sister and playmate, and we have been separated from our family all because of these trials. It is so sad and hard. Why? This is the LAST scenerio I could ever imagine, and I was never worried about something like this happening.
--Confused Mom

Reflections III
   Hey, I last left off with..."We snorted a line of coke at the shithole and then a line of ice at the townhouse. We broke free of the shithole and coke and doodoo everywhere; we were now engaged to one another; and the kids...oh, they were so happy to have their own room and peace."
   Yes, the change was calming, to use an inadequate term. The first couple of weeks there were shining points in my life. We were broke as hell, but we were happy. I'd take care of kids when she went to work and then put them to bed and watch public television because we couldn't afford cable but lived on the top of prominent hilltop and had excellent reception for free stuff. I'd drink cheap beer after beer and watch crap like "My State's Rivers" or "Tell-Tale Signs of Alzheimers" or some stuff that would make me not think about all the drugs I had been doing only a matter of days before. I was kicking and incredulously happy doing it.
   I'd look around: LOOK what I've got! I managed to escape the trap of demise and now this place is mine and hers, well rented, but it is ours! I used to go upstairs and watch those innocent angel kids breathing quietly in their sleep and wonder over the contents of their dreams. I'd wait for her to come home from work and think "we're going make it. We're gonna do this!"
   She'd come in from bartending and be tired and soft, glad to be home in our new place. We'd sip beers and watch Malcolm in the Middle or some dumb shit that was on one of the 4 free channels and sit on the floor with our backs against the walls of our empty, but full of potential place. Sometimes we'd draw or do a project, but we learned to survive on nothing except conversation, cheap beer (more for me), cigarettes, and possibility.
   ...Until the money started to disappear from the bank account. And she would get home later and later. And she did not want to watch tv or sit and be soft, she wanted to do random, mostly loud, stupid stuff that I would protest. Like, 3am is not the time to hang pictures. And, no, we shouldn't go out back and see about the garden. Why?-well, I don't think the other 3 townhouse tenants give a fart where we want to plant tomatos, at least not at 4:30 in the am. She would not come to bed with me, even when I stayed up very late. She was hiding her ice usage. She was a bartender and it was easy to get, use at work, and afford. And I was the chump at home with the kids "who wouldn't know better".
   And that began the cycle of destruction. I see it clearly now, looking back on the hope we had and how it broke, when I think of what could have been or should have happened.
   I had to confront her. The money, what pitiful income we did have, was exiting the account at alarming rates and I was wondering where and whom she was with in those wee hours. Any attempt to discuss this was met with unyielding fury and animosity. It was up to me to "deal with" her situation.
   How would you deal with it? A fiance, maybe 2 months into it, and she's acting funky. Do you cut and run? Do you work it out? I tried to work it out, believing in the connection that brought me and her and the kids together--the same feeling of connection that just rescued us from the pit of doodoo doom house--until I found the pipe. She was furious because she was saving a little in the bulb for after the shower. After the biting words and mean screams I learned the truth. She said, "get on the ice tip because that's what's going on."
   I went back to doing ice. The next day I had scored and had 2 backups. I had delivery. I had all-hours service. I had one call setup, future holds for me, and fronts. I had the right price and the right cut and the right everything...nice folks and polite and prompt. And that is a very, very bad thing because life falls apart all too easy when you live like you are a rockstar and you hardly have money for Mickey D's for the kids.
   And that went on for the rest of summer, but turned worse and corrosive and caustic and desperate...which I will tell you about in the next installment.
   This is called Reflections. I can't say my whole story at once, I just can't. I'll write to this Letters page from time to time and try to tell it all for those that keep up; just look for Reflections in the heading. I do want to say that I've made it out, barely. And I will never lie or embellish my story; all of it is true including my name. And all the other names of f-ups will be true as well. Please tune in, I won't keep you waiting long.
--m

Meth does kill you one way or the other
   I have sat here and read for almost and hour about meth and what it does to families and people around them. I have a story of my own, which may be graphic to some nad may not be graphic at all to others.
   I have never used meth or really any other drugs myself. But I vowed once i lost a husband to crack cocaine, I would do what ever i had to to keep anyone i loved from it.
   I met my husband 10years ago april 18th, 1996 we was a match made in heaven. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, lover, soulmate. In these ten years I struggled with his addiction to crack, never gave much thought to the drug meth. I was only formaluar with pot or speed back when i tried speed it was robin eggs and black beautys but i never liked to effect the drugs had on me so i never used them anymore. But i was 33 and stupid to the drug game. I fell in love with my husband not knowing what i was getting into.
   I spent countless days alone, worrying when he said he would be right back if he meant in the next few minutes or the next couple of weeks. He constantly was gone. I never seen him do this drug, until one night he stayed with some friends across the street form where we lived. I watched go from the car to the house to the car to the house numerous times.
   I had to work that next morning and it crushed me because I finally seen him cracked out of his head. Now i know this is about meth but i am getting to that. my husband was a dealer to support his own habit. When i met him he was already on probation for possesion with intent to sell and use, well I knew nothin about the wrong side of the Law. So i like i said never knew what i was getting into. I watched my husband go from one person to completely different perosn within the matter of days. My faith was strong with God so I knew he could change. These drugs all of them are killers, they take your heart, your belongings and your loved ones down with it.
   in the course of all this I was a staffing coordinator at a nursing home,(where I met my husband) which i came in contact with several types of people. I was alot of their bosses and became a mother figure to most of my staff, one boy inperticular. His name was michael. I met Michael on the JOb he was my employee, He was a good aide for the most part. HE was a good kid. I was with him through thick and thin. He was with me through all my hardship with my husband. then Michael took a turn for the worst. HE started missing work, he started doing outrageous things. He married his high school sweetheart and had three beautiful kids. I lost contact with him along the way, with my trials with my husband and dealing with all of his drug problems. I watched people steal the foods right out of the mouth of their own kids to keep up with their drug use.
   I eventually left my husband on the court house steps or a court date which involved his 3rd conviction of drugs, selling and using. He would sit hours on end cutting up his crack and packaging it not caring what he dropped on the floor. I found after following then my step grand daugther that was 1 into the bedroom a what a drug dealer would call about a 40 dollar pice of crack on the floor. my granddaughter reached down to pick up something off the floor and next to what she picked up was that crack cocaine that was it for me. I confronted my husband and he denied the whole thing and told me I was crazy. Well nope I wasnt. Kids at the age of one will pick anything up off the floor and put it in their mouths. She could ahve died that day. I left him. I moved to a even smaller town in a trailer park. Now the story that is about to unfold has been on the news, but this is what happened. I moved there to this trailer park and i never knew what was there. I was out side working on my 21 year old daughters car. I seen a tall skinny man walking with three kids and a very young girl. Well this was michael, i was amazed. I stopped and talked to michael, he told me of his events that had happened sis I last seen him. Him and his high school sweet heart got divorced. and she wouldnt let him see his kids. 3 of them, But he had one with him from another girl. His name was brian, Mike told me he had run into alot of trouble and was doing drugs. he was selling to support his habit of meth. He would get money from the government to take care of the son he had and blow it all on meth at the beginning of the month. then have nothing for his son. I took His son in with me most of the time because i love kids, and michael was like my son. Well this is where the story gets gross, Michael made a vow to his girlfriend that he would stop meth if she would come back to him. So he did tried to. He was clean for a week. Well in the long run, he made alot of people mad in the drug game, but he wanted out. He, his girlfriend and his then 2 year old son was at my house everyday wanting help, and seaking out ways to stay clean and keep his son. Well he was on his way to a outpatient rehab, and a new job. to get his life in order. Michael left my house at around 11pm May 18th,2005, I had a pounding on my door a little after 12 midnight. it was the police. I was ordered to come down and pick up michaels son, and not to look at what i was about to see lying on the floor of his home when i entered. I was told to go in and get baby brian and leave. I walked in to the trailer and there on the floor in three puddles of Blood was michael screaming for help. in the door way to his bedroom was his pregnant girl friend screaming as well for help.
   I couldnt see michaels face, all i seen was blood. I paniced, the police told me to get in there and get baby brian. I did as I was told but this image would not leave me. I heard them say his injuries were so severe that he had to life flighted out the hospital.
   All I could hear is michael screaming, mom help me. (WHICH IS WHAT HE CALLED ME) I got the baby back to my house and in the care of my daugther. and tried to get abck down to him. They said three people with baseball bats broke in to the home as they slept, and beat michael severely with a baseball bat and was beating the girlfriend as well. they knocked her out. I kept the baby safe in my home for the next day, Not to here anything, I was the one that had to call his father to tell him he was taken to the hospital noone knew how to get ahold of him but me. the first thing he asked me was does this have to do with drugs. I couldnt safely answer that question with a no, because it was about drugs. It was about michael making someone much younger than him mad becasue he wouldnt sell the drug for him no more. SO he proceeded to beat him to death. That he did.
   He beat michael so badly in his head more than 52 times, michael didnt make it, his brain was turned to liquid from when they hit him multiple times with this bat. He was beaten so badly that he was beyond recognition. His head and face was black, swelled three times it size. His chest had black brusies all up and down, they were the impression of the bat. His Left arm was broke in numerous places, and black as well. I went to the Hospital the next night with michael, and the next til they declared him legally brain dead, and turned off all his machines. we will never know. Where michael would be at today, but this drug killed him, his sister and his son the one they had me go get. Because a month after michaels funeral his sister was going to court for the guys that did this too him. and she was hit broadsided by a dump trunk in the fog. She was killed instantly, and put michaels son in the hospital which died two weeks after that. Michael was 26 and Brian was 2. The biy that killed him was 18.
   He got life in prison, he was twacked out of his head, and drunk as well when he commited the crime. I am sorry But to me he deserved more than life, he deserved the death penalty. Michael was on his way to recovery, and to his new life. It was taken by Meth, stupidity, and ignorance of the drug itself. DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS DRUG WILL DRIVE YOU THAT FAR.
--Angry mom in Missouri

   This story is a continuation of Lee's story. Mine started out the same way......Husband of 14 years, had a good job. Then he lost it. Didn't want to work again. Hung out with his buddies....rarely came home. When he did, he would become violent...threatening to kill me, calling me every name in the book. He emptied our bank account, started selling, used up his profits. Finally, I left him. Then guess what happened.....Five months later, on my birthday, our house, the house that I left, was found to have been used as a meth lab. His buddies were coming over in the middle of the night, giving him free shit if he let them cook. Now, I have to spend THOUSANDS of dollars to have my home decontaminated. You don't even want to know about the legal hassles and expense....and on top of it, we have 2 teenagers who know everything. What a fucked up thing to have to remember growing up. Lee......get out now!! And everyone else who is still living with a drug addict.....they won't quit until they have hit rock bottom and when they do....they'll pull you right down there with them.
--Denver

Where is my best friend?
    Hello. My name is "VIcky". I have been clean for about one month now. The first time I tried Meth was back in July of 2005. I remember that morning perfectly. I was with my friend Lindsey. We had just gotten home from a friends house. We had gotten so drunk, and were hung over bad. So on our way home from the party...Lindsey (who had been doing it for god knows how long) said she had the perfect rememdy that would take away my hang over pain..METH..So we got home to her house. We sat on her bed and she lit it for me...told me to twist and suck when the cloud started to form and to not stop twisting...first thing that popped in my head was...its not a wonder why people call it SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!That's exactly what a taste like to a beginner. So one hit did it all. I felt so energetic, skinny and pretty...I just wanted to get ready and go do something...that night I couldn't stop clenching my jaw, let alone sleep. I loved it..So it began to be a weekend thing. Then maybe during the week thing...then all the time thing..the longest I've stayed awake is 6 days...I started to loose a lot of weight and started getting paranoid..thinking my family new something..to me that was embarrassing so I stopped..or so I thought I had. I got a good job a Verizon wireless, and got my own apartment up in Mission Viejo. Of course I had to get away from the crowd..but it wasn't hard then since me and my old room mate hated eachother and I had no choice but to look for a place...cause there was no way in hell I was going back home..hell no. So anyway everything was good...no meth for about a month didn't even crave it. Then one day I decided to call my sister Breanna..she didn't pick up her boyfriend did..Jose. Well me and Jose were really close during the whole time they were together..too close I would say. He told me that she was at work and he had her cell phone. So I told him to tell her to call me back. He just hung up. I was so sad because that was my "best friend" I loved him like my brother. So I sent him a text message asking him to tell me why he hated me so much...he said he didn't. I had such a sense of releif. This guy was my role model. I always compared every guy to him no matter what. I wanted a bf like him. So anyway he called me and we talked, we found out that we both smoked shit. Well like tweekers would we wanted to smoke together..with my sister..I could not believed she smoked too. I was so happy that me and her could do it. So me and him made a plan to convince her to smoke that Friday..we would get a room and smoke. So it all went through....we would smoke..I would trip her out, act like I was tripping out so that me and him would be alone..that's how bad it got. To where I turned on my own sister. The person I loved and turned to no matter what. So then I was on it all the time...me and him tried to be together...let me remind you my sister was with this guy for five years...he was her only boyfriend and first love. And I took that away. My family could not believe what was going on. I wanted to be with him because of all the things he would tell me..he brainwashed me and manipulated me. My best friend or what once was. He was still with her the whole time. He played us both..He made it seem like I was going crazy and that's why he lived with me and not with her. Jose was like a saint ..never cheated on my sister never did anything to her just loved her to much. These are the kinds of sick and twisted things Meth leads you to do. Im sure that Jose loved me and did not want to hurt me but loved her and couldn't hurt her. He made me hate my family and my sister the most. I blamed her for not letting me and Jose be together...how sad is that, having to let go of you bf for five years. I hate myself because I put my family through so much, over nothing. I never loved Jose in that way...never will Because to me he will always be my sisters bf. Till this day he won't leave me alone. I want to help him quit...I want to see the Jose that was my best friend but I feel like he is gone forever. My point is that this drug is the devil.. It makes people cold, heartless and depressed. I regret ever using it. I now feel dirty for sleeping with my sisters boyfriend and for putting everything aside for a sick relationship I was led to believe would ever work out... I lost it all as well. My job, my apt..my friends. My familys trust...but the most important things in my life ill never get back...my sister and my best friend. I have one thing to say to all you tweekers out there...if you think that this drug hasn't ruined your life, just know its one step ahead, even if its your first time...your already an addict. That right there is a life ruiner.
--Vicky

Once Upon A Time,
I lost myself.
Silent Screams and secret scars.
Prisoner of the mind.
This is my story.
My tragic Ending.
With a New Beginning.

   My name is Ashley. I'm 20 years old. I was sitting here reading these stories and it broke my heart. i felt it necessary to share my story and let everyone know that there is a solution. You DO NOT have to continue living the life of misery and pain.
   I grew up in an oddly balanced home. My father was an alcoholic and a drug addict in and out of recovery. he would stay clean for a few months then disappear for weeks maybe months at a time. My mother (my hero) has been clean and sober since 1982. i grew up in the middle of addiction. I never knew if my father was coming home and when he did come home I never knew what was going to happen. When I was 10 my mom filed for divorce. I was utterly devastated. My mom, my little brother, my little sister, and myself moved from Alta Loma, Ca to Chino hills, Ca. my mom put herself through law school as a single mother working 2 jobs. My dad was still in and out of the picture. We had visitation when he would show up… then one day he just never showed up. I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in almost 11 years. The summer he left was when my life took a turn. I started 5th grade that September. I didn’t know anyone. I was overweight and depressed. I started lying and stealing. And I was always getting into fights. The summer of 5th grade I went on vacation to Missouri to my mom’s best friend’s house while my mom took her midterms for school. Me and my siblings stayed in Missouri for a month. When we got back to California my mom told me she was sending me to a private Christian school. I thought my life was over. I found God in 8th grade. I became heavily involved in church and missionary work. I was headed toward a scholarship for softball, I was finally happen. At the end of my 9th grade year, there were problems at school so I moved to public school. At first, I was doing ok, but then everything turned upside down. I found the rebels. Kids with the Mohawks, piercings, tattoos, the kids that were in bands. I thought I had finally found where I belonged. I claimed the “straight-edge” scene for awhile. I was managing 2 or 3 bands then one night I went to a concert and saw my friend’s band play. Then came the after party.I took my first drink may 10, 2002. i was 16. that night I knew where I was going, I knew what was going to happen, and I knew the pain that was in store. But I did it anyway. I started drinking sex drugs and rock n roll…that was my life. I dropped out of school that year. I started smoking pot in june of 2002 then shortly after… I found meth. Once I hit that pipe, I KNEW I was fucked. I lost 50 pounds in 2 or 3 months. I never went home, I ran away for weeks at a time. I started selling weed and other things. When I was 17 the cops came to my dope dealers house and pulled me out and took me to my mom. My mom sent me to a rehab. The first day there I slept, the second day I got a boyfriend, the 3rd day I got high with my roommate, and the 4th day I left. When I got back home I lied to my mom and told her I was going to NA meetings when I was really just getting spun. Then I met HIM the “love of my life” he was my connect for a while when I was 16. when I met him I thought my life was complete. We fell in love… I call it “tweeker love”. This is when I started selling meth. I was smoking a quarter ounce a day and selling a disgusting amount of dope. I turned 18 and I was constantly getting kicked out of my house, so I would go to my boyfriends, then we would get kicked out of his house. We were “happy for a while, then that “PERFECT” relationship turned into my worst nightmare. We were constantly fighting and stealing. Then the abuse started. I stayed in that relationship until he went to japan to work. When he left I had no one telling me what I could or couldn’t do. I went on the WORST run of my life. A full month of hell. I hit my bottom in October of 2004. I was selling dope, stealing cars, robbing houses, I was jumped my the rival gang, I ended up in an abandoned house with someone I had no business being with. I had no shoes, I was up for 14 days. That’s when I got the vodka out. I don’t remember too much after that. All I know is I was covered in mud because I was walking the streets in a storm, with no shoes… just trying to get the next quarter pound of meth. But I gave up. I was done. I called my mom and told her I needed help and asked her to come get me. I slept for 3 days straight. When I came to, my mom had information on rehabs for me. I called and got into a place in orange county. That place saved my life. I stayed there for 16 months. I started working the 12 step programs of AA and NA. I got my GED before I left rehab and I am now going to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor. I have an amazing life today and I finally know what it is to be HAPPY. I never thought I would be able to stop using, I thought I would die from this drug. But I need to let you all know that it is possible. There is a way out. You do not have to continue living a life with no fucking destination. Im 20 years old and I have 18 months clean and sober. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. If you or anyone you know want to stop but don’t know how. There is a way. I swear. My email is Ashley.richmond@hotmail.com. I will help you if you want it. Remember. You don’t HAVE to keep living the life you are living. May God Bless you.
--Ashley

   I was a meth user from the time I was nine years old until I got pregnat at the age of 19. I was a G.A.T.E. student with honors classes and A's and B's all through school. I thought I had it all together....I was wrong!!! Looking back now at the age of 21...two years clean and craving dope like never before...I see all that I missed out on and messed up on. My sons father is in jail. My baby brother in the same place. I 'm alone raising a kid and lost like never before I don't have some sad story about how I started snorting lines...I liked it!!! Still, I've lost a huge part of my life in front of the mirror picking at my face and scraping away worms that were never really there. It's been said that if i wasn't high I wouldn't have met my sons father who eventally started beating the shit out of me, and maybe I would remember the social part of high school which I spent in the bathroom smoking dope or raoming zoned out rather than making friends. You can't change the past of remove the scars but you can know that everything happens for a reason and for those of you that know meth....know that being clean may be hard but staying high is harder. I get up everyday and decide to stay clean...maybe tomorrow I won't be so strong...but then again hopefullly I will. I belive that all the crap I put myself through----the "sleeping" in laudry rooms and parks in the dead of winter---the 12 day binges----so on and so on was well worth it but you can't live that way!!! Good luck recoving addicts good stay away clean people.
--Debbie

   i am 46 years old now and i stated shotting meth in 1976. when i started i never would of beleved i would still be sticking that same stupit needle in my arm 25 years later ,but i was... the 3 failed marrages and the 2 times i went to prison and all the other disfunital shit that happened in my life , well ofcourse i didn't beleve the dope had ANYTHING to do with my problems,after all i had the dope thing all under control...haha so my stupit ass thought....so i am writing this ,hoping i can spair some one alot of self inflicted stupitly....the dope IS the problem and the WHOLE problem...
   its funny back in the day when i use to read letters like the one i'm writing right now i use to think the people writing it were just punks and couldn't handle there dope...and i'm sure there are some of you thinking the same thing right now..but let me tell you any one that could stick a needle in there arm for 25 straight years HAS hung with the best of them. so there is nothing you can tell me i don't know..but let me tell you a couple things i do know, that took me YEARS to learn and understand...first of all if you trully want to get free of this you HAVE to change your people,places and things you do....period! i use to think i could quit and still hang with my using friends...well it don't work! don't waste any more years trying to make it work like i did...and the second thing i learned is the only way to beat this thing is to ask Jesus in your life to help you...Jesus is my higher power and the ONLY higher power that will work...i walk with him daily now and life has never been so good...he is putting back in my life everything the devil has been stealing from me over all these years..please trust what i'm saying he loves you and don't want to see you suffer with this thing...i give God ALL the glory for breaking my addition.....if anyone wants to talk email me at spunloose@yahoo.com God bless you all
--bob

   I never drugs until I was 26 years old. I grew up in a place where drugs and alcohol were prevalent and as a child, there was no one to protect me, so I had to be very straight and protect myself and my little sister. I guess when I was 26 and grown up, I made the choice to experiment. I first tried cocaine and I loved it. It was a big part of my life for about 4 years. I was heavily connected. I became close "friends" with 3 dealers and several users. I spent a lot of money and my marriage deteriorated. People that seemed so close, were really just coke buddies. Along with alcohol. Somehow, I finished school, kept a good job and even got promoted. But there were costs, I was not as sucessful as I should have been.
   Then I quit coke, got divorced. And started crystal. I liked it even more becasue I didn't get the nasal and throat problems like coke. And it was less expensive.
   But, I did suffer some paranoia that I still wonder about. Mainly, lack of sleep causes major hallucinations and suspicions that I am still curious about. It's a long story. I guess with coke, the paranoia was easily separated from reality. With crystal, I still have a feeling that some of the things I encountered were real.. I felt that there was a lab near me, but there probably is. Even when I am totally straight, I still see signs.
Anyway, more later. It's weird.
--Lau

   I've been clean off Meth for nearly 6 years now but it's been a hard won battle and I'm still plauged by nightmares of my using life on a nightly basis. I was instantly under it's evil spell when I started using and progressed quickly from drinking it to shooting it up. I lost everything decent in my life, my family, my job my friends and my home. I lived rough on the streets or in filthy squats or doss houses and when ever I did have some sort of roof over my head, I always had strangers using and crashing in my pad. I weighed under 40kg {I'm 173 cm} and looked like I had a terminal disease. My face and body were covered in sores and cysts from the endless picking and traumatising of my skin with needles and fingernails. Once, while in a delusional state I "sandpapered" my skin, thinking that I could "smooth" away the sores and lumps. I developed staph infections, hep c and almost had complete renal failure from refusing to drink liquids. I could go on and on about the horrors of my 4 years of using meth numerous times a day. I just thank god I'm alive and in recovery today. It is possible to come back from the nightmare and my rock bottom saw me locked up in a mental health ward for a month where a glimmer of clarity gave me the oppertunity to go to rehab where I stayed for nearly a year. I now have a meaningful life, a child and a partner and although it's nothing glamourous it's a far cry from where I was. Another "legacy" of my meth use was discovered last year when I was diagnosed with epilepsy..further tests showed extensive scarring on the white matter of my brain and I now know all those times when I felt my head was exploding after a shot...it probably was. My nerves will never be the same and panic attacks were and everyday part of my life for a long time. With every bit of time spent in recovery, I get a bit further from my life as a meth addict and a bit closer to a saner and happier existance. It is possible to come back from the hell of using, one day at a time and I treasure simple things now like the sunrise, the birds, a good laugh, gossipy magazines, a nice dinner and breathing ...all things that meth deprived me of for so long.
--Cat {Australia}

What extremes will people go to
   Hi, This is not one of your usual meth stories. I am a mother of three, and have a husband of 20 yrs. In 2004, I was drugged by meth which was made just a few miles from my house. Here me now, I did not know at this time, there was a meth lab anywhere near my house. Least of all did I know that my stupid stepson and girlfriend had intentions of trying to drug me up; furthermore try to kill me or get me to kill myself. Knowing him as I do I can expect anything from him, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect what happened. Till this day I am not sure who all was involved in this or just why it took place.
   I have degenerative disc disease and herniated discs, due to the lose of space between disc surgery is not an option. Would have to replace old disc with new ones one at a time and each is about 18 months recovery. Well to try and make a long story short, I was taking Lortab for pain. Least to say, everyone new of the excruciating pain I would be in if I did not take it.
   Days went by and so on and so forth. One day the girlfriend was at my house helping clean up. She had some carpet freshener. The can of carpet fresher was put down on the carpet in the area only where I was sitting and right in front of the fan. The carpet freshener blew straight into my face and my dogs. The area where she put the carpet freshener down was a area of 2.5 ft in front of me. I did not think much about this at the time. You better believe I did about 6 days latter. I went into a period of thinking that someone was out to kill me, least did I know that was the game plan or to have me to kill myself so they could get what my husband had worked his ass off for and let us not forget my kids. My children where his biological children. He had signed his rights over and the drug users and drunk he is thought he would get me out of the way and would be free to get to my husband and kids. Thank God for all of his miracles for he did perform one. By all means the amount consumed should have killed me. Not only did they try with Meth but also with antifreeze.
   Needless to say I may have had a dependence on the lortab but I have never willing fully or knowing fully did any type of street drugs except for Marijuana and that was only one time. Needless to say now I am scared to even take anything for pain. Unless you have the severity of back problems that I have no one knows what I go through. Now after years migraines have started up again.
   It has nearly been 2 years since I inhaled the carpet freshener, but lord only knows the paranoid feelings, anxiety and mood swings that I have from it.
   For those out there who willingly using meth, stop and get help. I know what it is like for someone deliberately force the high on you and the hell after the fact. I guess you could say I used by someone else's hand but I have never wanted to feel that way again high or not on meth or any other substance.
   I am still not sure who all was a part of this. But I do have enough of evidence to prove who was around me and that I did not do it to myself. It took a while to find a lawyer who would even consider what I was telling was truth and not fantasy. Now we need to find a way to set the rest of the whole ordeal into motion.
   Trust is a precious thing and should be kept faithfully. My trust was already broken now I don't know if I can trust anyone around me including my family.
   I hope there is a lot of children out there who read these letters. They are easy to stray as I have learned.
   Any kind of chemical addiction is hard to over come. You people that are out there and think you have it so bad and do this to escape need to wake up and smell the roses. You are not the only ones that have problems and will not never be and never is a long time. When you say you can't that is an excuse, when you say its too hard that's your tale, I'm sitting on mine. When you say it is to stop the pain you are the one creating it. It is no one except for yourself. If you cannot stand for anything then stand for yourself. Why live that way. Life is just too precious.
--DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DON'T

   Meth is destroying my life. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. Last summer he started using meth. He had a great job, but worked long hours. A lot of his co-workers were using to keep up. So he started using occasionally. It just went downhill from there. He started using a lot more. Then he started to stay out all night, something he had never done before. The job ended, but he kept using. Now it is worse. He doesn't work, never bothered to get another job after the other ended. He's too busy hanging out with all his crank buddies. He started selling. At first he was making money from it, now he just uses up all the profit. I won't let him keep it in the house so he keeps it locked up in a safe at a friends house. And I never see him. We have two daughters. He will go days at a time without being home. When he does come home he falls asleep for days. Then he wakes up in a bad mood, treats us all like shit, leaves and gets high again. He used to be so against meth. His sister is an addict and has been in and out of jail numerous times. Now he is right there using with her. He spends a lot of his time at her house tweeking out. There are a lot of people who hang out there and I'm starting to wonder if he is cheating on me with someone there. He always has an excuse for not coming home. He has emptied our bank account. He has vicious mood swings. And he gets mad if I say anything to him about quiting. I am at the end of my rope. I love him more than anything, but I can't live like this anymore. I hate meth. It is such an evil drug. It doesn't just destroy the life of the user, it destroys everyones lives around it.
--lee

   Hi my name is Anne, a single 27 yr old with a 15 month old son. I started using meth a few years ago on occasion mostly on weekends at parties etc... In 2001 by boyfriend of 12 years and I built a home and lala thought things were happy... Both of us began using everyday. Him to help hide his secret life he had been living and me well to deal with the hurt he was causing me. I had began snoopin around the house when he was gone and found some very disturbing things such as girl thong panties and bras, lingerie sex toys, gay web sites etc.. To make long story short he was gay and dressed up a girl and had been hiding this from me for 12 years, I had no idea, and his meth use was far worse than he had lead anyone to believe... I was shocked and so I used more and more everyday not caring if my bills were Pd as long as I had my bag nothing else seemed to matter anymore... I distanced myself from family and friends and lied... I was so ashamed that I was so blind not to have seen any signs of him being gay, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what would they think of me...and besides that they didn’t know I was using.. I was so far gone into this world of numbness and depression... Till April 2004 when I got pregnant. I had for so long wanted a child (lost 2 prev pregnancies).and here I am in my worst time of using and trying to figure out a broken relationship... I immediately stopped using the day I found out I was having a baby. I didn’t think quitting would be so easy but my baby was too important... I didn’t use not even once my entire pregnancy... But 3 mos after I had my son I started using again to cover and numb the fact I still hadn’t told anyone what I found about my boyfriends secret life. I left him in may 2005 and in October my family found out I was using again and I forgot to tell u that when I moved out I let the secret out I told everyone of his secret gay life. My parents helped me get into outpt treatment which I just completed 3 weeks ago and I am doing wonderful with my son who I love so much. I am almost 7 months sober...and countin thanks
--Anne from Coon Rapids MN

Index of Stories & Letters

---

Email letters to kcimeth@yahoo.com

Search only this SITE  by keyword or topic using Google's Search Engine!
(make sure www.kci.org is selected below)

	Web www.kci.org

 

All submissions become the property of the KCI The Anti-Meth Site. The KCI The Anti-Meth Site reserves the right to reject any submission. The reader should be aware that the KCI The Anti-Meth Site is not responsible for the content of any submission. Editing changes for clarity, spelling and readability is for the benefit of the readers.  Some stories may be graphic.
Pictures are for illustration only and are not submitted by readers unless noted otherwise.

HOME  |  ABOUT US  |  METHAMPHETAMINE LINKS  |  PRIVACY POLICY  |  CONTACT US
ADVERTISE ON THIS SITE

Copyright © 1999-2008 by KCI The Anti-Meth Site
All Rights Reserved
Legal Disclaimers and Copyright Notices

Problems with Meth
Cleaning up Labs
Physical Damage
Resources for Teachers
Media/News Articles
Research Articles
Selling Houses - Laws