I’m at work today, although I was late again, got here at 12:30. Of course I didn’t come in at all yesterday, I had my sons school award ceremony to go to at 1:45 and called in at 9 to come up with some lame ass reason why I couldn’t come in to work, then I went out and got high for a few hours before I made the drive to the elementary school that my 8 yr old son attends. He lives about an hour away with my ex-wife, we’ve actually been divorced since 1997.
   It seems like everyone wants to see me fail. The door to my bedroom opened at 11:30 this morning and the voice said “Are you going to work today?” I was furious. Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? Why did you let me sleep this long? How did I fall asleep at 4:30? That's what I get for lying down. Do you WANT to see me fail again? Do you WANT to see me lose another job? I didn’t actually yell at her, I was screaming in my head.
   Actually I didn’t get fired from my last job, luckily I got the two weeks notice letter in RIGHT before they were gonna fire me. I now work at the company where I really started my career, worked here for 7 years the first time around, took off for a year to California for a job, then came back to town and worked for a competing firm for 4 years. Now I’m back here again, thankfully, and I will feel absolutely horrible if I screw around and lose this job. What will I do then? I’ve already gotten a repossession letter on my 2003 truck, my son relies on me to give his momma child support, I’m about to lose my cell phone service if I don’t pay $200 this week and I’d really like to get a place of my own again at some point. I know this all sounds trivial, there are some people living on the street, wallowing in their own shit.
   You see, life is a pile of shit when you do the shit. It will take everything from you. I am 34 years old and live with my parents. Isn’t that f**king pitiful? They don’t want to see me fail, but they’ve done all they can, they know it’s all up to me. Oh, but I make $60,000 a year - If I can hold on to this job long enough to get through this. I am, literally, on the edge of the Abyss.
   I used to have dreams and goals, Hell, I used to have a life that included some of those accomplishments. But I can blame Meth for the loss of “living”.
   The first time I did meth was in 1991, right after I got out of the Air Force. Honestly, I tried it a few months before that, when I was in the military, at a relatives house visiting for the holidays. Anyway, I snorted the “crank” back then and did so for almost a year, before I started to get my mind back and realized that I was at least 40 pounds underweight and diving head first into a life of despair. So I moved away. Grabbed the few possessions that I still owned, my poor little maltreated puppy, the speck of pride I had left and jumped into the car with my parents, who happened to be passing through town. They never asked questions, but I know that they knew. That was the most difficult 5 day car ride in the history of my life, and I’m sure their lives too. Try quitting the shit cold turkey while you are traveling cross country in a 4-door sedan with your family. I was 21 then.
   So I went to a technical school, worked part time and partied like your average 22 year old. Got my degree, moved to this town, started a full time job and a prosperous career. I’ve had an alcohol problem the entire time, getting drunk has caused another list of problems in my life, including my wife not wanting to live with me, but I’ll save that for the appropriate forum. Meth came around occasionally, but never for more than a day or two at most, and never more frequently than 2 or 3 times a year. Weed was my drug of choice and I would (hypocritically) preach against the use of the “hard” drugs. Truth is, every drug is a hard drug. Because it makes your life harder than it should be. I’ve concluded that I like to get f**ked up because I get bored with the daily grind. Tedious, that’s what it is, mundane and tedious. Some call it stability.
   Well, I was living in my nice little townhome, had the early 30’s single life going on. Had everything I really wanted or needed and started dating this girl who had all the qualities I was looking for. I need an authority figure in my life, no matter how much I decry that fact. We had been dating for about 9 months when she lost her job. Things were going OK for a few weeks, but she still hadn’t found another job and was running behind on all the bills. My (not-so) clever solution was that I will move in to her house with her and her daughter to help pay bills. Satan himself came around sometime after Christmas, I think it was in January (2004). At first it was smoking a little bit of the shit with my buddy on some tin foil on the weekend. Somehow, that event became a box that I carry around with me everywhere, with 2 glass pipes in it (in case one breaks during the hours that the head shop is closed) that sit in cut out foam so they don’t break, and all the other accessories you need to smoke meth. Between those two stages of recreational and habitual drug use, I can’t remember a lot of the important stuff in my life that I should remember. Between those two stages I have spiraled downward to what I kept thinking was the bottom.
   The bottom keeps falling out.
   My girlfriend kicked me out cause of the shit, I’ve cheated on her cause of the shit, I’ve lied to everyone cause of the shit, I’ve had a friend commit suicide to escape the shit, I’ve had several friends start doing the shit, I’ve quit (lost) a job cause of the shit, I can’t get a date with a respectable woman cause of the shit, I’ve let everything go to dirt cause of the shit, I’ve lost my sons respect cause of the shit, I’ve lost my parents respect cause of the shit, I’ve lost my ex wifes respect cause of the shit, I’ve lost my co-workers respect cause of the shit.
I’ve gotten weird. Really weird. Not certifiably weird, because I haven’t physically become a danger, otherwise they might commit me. And I’m not even the weirdest person I know. What’s left of my mind is being auctioned off quickly due to smoking this shit.
   The bottom keeps falling out.
   Yes, I have a job, but a job is just a job in the grand scheme of life. I don’t want to die with a job. I want to die with my family and friends at my side. And my pride, dignity and self-respect. I want to die with God in my life, not Satan. A job is just a paycheck. And a paycheck will buy you more dope.
   I will quit soon. Of course I said that a year and a half ago when I picked it back up. I will quit eventually, either by putting down the shit or dying. And I don’t want to die. I’ve got making up to do, respect I need to gain back.
   To anyone who’s reading this who thinks they have a problem, do everything in your power to get it out of your life immediately, if you can.
   To anyone who’s reading this who thinks a friend or loved one has a problem, do everything in your power to get it out of their life immediately. With some people, you have to play hard ball – tough love works best in some cases.
   Satan lives in this shit and he will take your mind, body and soul. Some people feel the need to kill themselves in order to escape it’s grasp, that’s the power that he has through this nasty epidemic. God help anyone else fighting this battle. God help me.
--a guy wanting his life back in Austin, Texas

   I dont realy know how to start or wright this, i only know that ia and my family are hurting SO VERY MUCH . To a drug that has taken our son, he was only 24 years old one month before his 25th birthday he lay dead in his bed.He never woke up that morning to watch his 4 year old son while the mother went to work., she thought he was just sleeping to tired to get up before she left early that morning.Brandon and his play mate that hadstayed the night with him that nite had got up Brandon trying to wake daddy for daddy to get breakfast that morning did not know that daddy was already in a drug induced comma, he thought daddy was just sleeping,so Brandon and his play mate just fixed there own toast that morning , not knowing any trhing was wrong with daddy.Brandon on several occations tryed to wake daddy that day, tryed to get him to play his game boy with him as daddy had done so much in the days before,Brandon just thought that daddy would not wake up to sleepy Brandon told his little friend. As the day went on the kids just played they fixed there own luch bolonia sandwiches they fixed there selves.then played in the house more with the game.At 4pm when mom got home from work and she had asked Brandon where daddy was she had started to get enraged that he was still in bed as Brandon had told her , he had never got up yet. She went into thier bedroom to find that he was not breathing, she then called 911, but it was to late he our son Danny was dead. now Brandon has went on with his mother, doing ok for now. but how do we cope?with a younger brother of Dannys mentaly challenged trying to do the same thing as fare as drugs and over doses wanting to be with his brother. I as a mother am trying to deal with the one troubled son i have left and my own pain of both. iam now trying to do all i can to save this one and wish i could of been there to help the other,If only i had known how bad things were for him, i should of known no matter how fare away i was.dont know what other countrys are like as fare as drugs go, but ours make a real KILLING off them,no matter how it is looked at.
--THE LOVE OF A MOTHER

   My son had it all, a beautiful wife,3 year old son, a job of 6 years with good health insurance and a nice home. He has lost all of this due to Meth. He has been using drugs since the age of 15. He was always a problem child in school due to drugs. I did everything in my power to get him help. Then my father was dying of cancer and needed someone to help him, drive him to Doctor appointments, etc. My son moved in with him and was his companion for 3 years until just before he died. Michael (my son) started using again. Speed was his choice of drug. This went on and off for years. Then his girlfriend could not take living in a car, broke hungry and always looking for drug any more. She called her mother and ask for a ticket back home to Arizona. Michael wanted to go to since he loved her so much. That was a blessing, they both went and got off drugs cold Turkey. For 8 years Michael was clean at least we though so. Then his son was born, the best thing in his life is his son. He even named him after his brother. They were always close. But years of working the mid night shift got the best of Michael and he started to use meth. Once this happen things just seem to go down hill fast. His wife could not take it any more and moved out and took their son with her. Since she was not there to pick up the pieces and help him to get to work he started to get into trouble at work. Michael loves his family very much and decided to get help. His insurance though work paid for a rehap. Which lasted only 21 days. That is when he received his 1st pass to leave to the rehap and his last one. He was tested when he returned and was kick out. Since that day he has lost his wife, son and home. Is now homeless with no job living in a broken down van in someone front yard and was living around all the other Meth users and even worst he is now using needles. Michael has a infection in his arm because of missing a vain. He has lost at least 50 pounds. His health is going fast. Michael can't keep living like this much longer, his body can't take much more. Please pray for all that are having this same drug problem. They are all somebody, a son, Father brother sister or even someones mother. Please don't use this drug it will destroy your life.
--A sad mother in California...

   Hi my name is Billie. I'm 16 and I have been a meth user for a year and a half now. This guy introduced me to it and didn't even tell me what it was. I found myself going back to his house everyday to do it. He said that speed and meth were two different things. So i didn't think that i was doing the aweful shit that everyone was talking about. Then I stopped seeing him. About a month later I met up with my now best friend Ryan. He did it and gave me a line one time that I thought was coke. When it stung my nose like hell i asked him if it was speed he said yeah or meth. I was shocked that I had been doing it this whole time. But by this time I didn't really care. I loved it so much. I have done every drug but heroin but when i did meth i thought i would never have to find another high. Ryan was loaded and pretty much provided me with meth everyday. I eventually started smoking it. I lost 20 pounds and was really unhealthy. I moved 5 months ago and have only done it about 4 times since i got here. But i cant say its because i wanted to quit. Its because I couldn't find it because i knew no one in this city. Even reading this website made me cringe and want it so bad. I've gained the weight back and im alot healthier and pretty have my life on track. But i can honestly say i probably still think about doind it 1000 times a day every day. I still wish i could have one more hit. I would never introduce somebody to this shit. I will always be addicted and i hope no one else has my fate. I lost friends over it and all my family except my dad. I want some right now god dammit. This life is an aweful life to live. PLEASE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU AREN'T ALREADY A USER...PLEASE PLEASE DON'T START YOU WOULD BE SETTING UP YOUR OWN DEATH IF YOU DID.
--Billie

   I grew up in the Central Valley (Modesto) of California, and my mom was a paralegal for a very large national poultry/meat company. Dad was a grocery clerk, and together my parents had 3 well behaved kids, a new home with a pool and a Jacuzzi installed a few years later, and mom drove a brand new Mustang GT 5.0. OUR house was the one that all the neighborhood kids wanted to come and hang out at because there was always food in the fridge, the pool feels great when it’s 108 degrees outside, and my mom was a very understanding, concerned, and loving parent to anyone who wanted to talk to her. It was pretty much “Leave it to Beaver” at my house, and my childhood up to age 15 was a miracle you seldom hear about anymore. My mother taught me so much it’s amazing how much she’s forgotten.
   Everything began to change when my mom met Terry Ann at work (yeah, that’s her real name because I have no desire to protect her or her privacy). Terry Ann was about 30, an assistant in the legal affairs office, and was married to a biker who’s name I can’t remember. My mom was 44 years old and beginning to put on a few pounds after 3 kids, and working in an office all day. She and Terry Ann became friends and Terry Ann introduced my mother to Crank as a way of controlling her weight. Being the Central Valley of CA in 1990, you can imagine that Terry Ann wanted her husband’s drug dealing business to do well, so she was always out finding new “customers” and my mom became one of his BEST customers as time would tell.
   Mom said that she was not only losing weight, but she was getting MORE done at work, being MORE productive, and getting noticed by her boss for the hard work and longer hours she was now capable of doing. She was “supermom” for a few months. Looking great, appearing energetic, and still managing to get back and forth to work. As time went on however, Mom began staying up later and later during the week, playing on her new computer and making friends online while tweeking REALLY hard. One of my sisters was now in the Navy, but discharged for reasons unknown to me. When my sister returned home, my mother introduced her to Crank, and a druggie alliance was formed in my house that was basically Mom and Sis vs. the rest of us. As time progressed my mother’s stellar performance at work was waning and she was quickly burning through the huge bank of sick/vacation days she had accumulated. Mom began to party during the week and seldom slept until her body MADE her sleep. Mom tried to go to work but I imagine she did a rather lackluster job paying little attention to detail because her mind was elsewhere. For several months, she’d be lucky to work 3 out of the 5 days of the week.
   My mom was eventually fired from her job for poor attendance and job performance, but she said she was fired because she wouldn’t give in to her boss’s sexual advances. Looking back as a 30 year old man, I don’t believe her. This was just the first big lie she told to deny the fact that she had a drug problem. With my sister and mom both doing crank on a daily basis, they would lie to my dad for each other, covering each other’s butts to ensure that dad would continue to give them access to money. To this day, neither my sister, nor my mom ever got a job again-its been 15 years and counting! Considering the financial obligations my parents had signed up for, it goes without saying that money was tight. Dad was being the supportive but clueless man who loved my mom. Mom said that she didn’t want to be in the corporate world anymore so dad was trying to be supportive. What he didn’t know was that my mother was spending so much time on the internet late at night, that she had met a “better” man. You know those euphoric delusions you have when you’re all tweeked out? Well they’re even better on the internet… everything is wonderful all the time, everything and everyone is perfect, if you don’t want to talk, or deal with someone, you just sign off, and my dads hard work and dedication to his family was no match for the word-savvy touchy feely communicative type of guys you meet in chat rooms.
   After a couple years of mom and sis partying it up in the back bedroom on their computers, it seemed the only way to continue to have a relationship with my mother was to go in there and join her. After several years of watching my dad get a clue as to what was going on, and even after I TOLD HIM MYSELF that mom was now sharing drugs with ME (I was 17), he confront her. She and my sister would both just lie through their teeth about it, saying that they’re not hurting anyone or anything, and that he should quit judging them for how they choose to spend their time. When you love someone so much, you’ll believe just about anything they tell you even if it defies what you see before your very eyes. Dad WANTED to believe that mom was ok and that her new nocturnal lifestyle was a choice she was free to make.
   The fights got pretty ugly when my dad would say “where the hell did all the money go!” “Somebody pulled $500 out of the account in the middle of the night last night, where is it?” They began selling off family heirlooms and antiques we had around the house, and nobody knew anything. This went on for years. As the tension grew, my parents relationship definitely changed and I think my mom stopped loving my dad. She had a new love. It was crank.
   As my parents’ relationship deteriorated, my mom’s closeness with other men (online) grew. We came home from work and school one day to find a Mayflower moving truck parked in the front of our house, and some asshole from Rhode Island sitting in our living room talking with my mom. This man was here to “save her” from her “oppressive, negative, and judgemental” husband of 27 years. It was a Friday.
   After the dust settled, we all helped pack our family belongings into this truck on Saturday morning, and she and the man from Rhode Island left with a fair amount of our furniture, lamps, family pictures, and her beloved computer. Leaving my dad with a house that was already for sale, bills up to his eyeballs, several years of tax debt that was never resolved (because bills/taxes were mums responsibility) and a broken heart. She broke our whole family’s heart that day, what was left of it.
About a month later, she called my dad sobbing that she missed him and wanted to come home, and that she’d made a horrible mistake. I think in reality she went into a serious depression because my sister stopped Fed-Ex’ing crank to her. By this time dad had sold his dream home at the bottom of the real estate market, making about $5000 from a house they’d been paying off for 18 years. He had to sell because he could no longer afford it alone, and the bank was talking foreclosure because he couldn’t afford to pay the 2nd mortgage payments.
   My gold hearted father took what money he had, and drove across country to GO GET HIS WIFE. On the way home, they talked a lot and she said that she’d change, get clean, stay clean, get a job and focus on the family again. Everything she said was a lie. When she got home, they rented an apartment, my mother got nice and tweeked out (like THE NEXT DAY after arriving home) then proceeded to clean the whole place, polish the floors, and generally pay what she thought was “penance” for screwing up so badly. What dad didn’t realize was that mom was just happy to be speeding once again, and that nothing had really changed.
   I moved 330 miles south to Los Angeles just before this happened. Realizing I had a speed problem of my own forming, I left town to start fresh with new people, and no connections to speed or speeding people.
   A couple years later, she left him again, this time to be with another man in Bakersfield CA… the capital of methamphetamine production. This man was a tweeker as well, so mom had more in common with him than with my father. This one lasted about 6 months and she again cried that she’d made a horrible mistake. So the whole family spent a weekend in Bakersfield packing up what little remained of her personal belongings into a moving truck and took her back to Modesto. She again swore that she’d clean up, and that she’d never leave my father again. LIE.
   8 weeks ago (from the time this was written in early May) My wife was having a scheduled C-section on March 12, 2005 and I called my mom to ask her to come to Los Angeles to be with my new family, and to meet her new grandson. Mom said that she was no longer interested in being a mother or a grandmother and that she had other things to be concerned with at the moment. I thought that that meant that she would be working on getting a job, getting a divorce from dad (the right way), and establishing her own life outside of staring at a computer screen and tweeking. No… what that meant was that she had already made plans to leave my dad again and stiff him for the last time. I think she is trying to RUN from her addiction. But you can’t run from it because you take it with you. When she gets to wherever she’s headed, she gets very very depressed because there is no tweek there! After she realizes that she can’t live without it, she calls dad who is just dumb enough to go get her again, and again.
   Right now, nobody knows where she is. I got a call from her (via a phone card with an Atlanta GA area code 404) saying that she was visiting a distant cousin in Indiana, but given her track record, she could be anywhere. At this point I really don’t care anymore. The person I knew and loved died about 10 years ago. She was the leader of our family, the emotional center for all of us, and she’s just gone. I sent her an email asking her to not contact me until she’s working a 12-step program.
   As far as my tweeker sister goes, my dad still supports her and her drug habit for some reason. I think he figures its better than being completely alone. My dad just wanted to have a family, and come home to someone that loved him. I think if he’d taken a firmer position on the whole thing, he could have saved our family. I don’t hold that against him though, because I know he just wanted to have a peaceful home. As long as he gives my sister money to get more tweek, she’ll play along, keep the house straight while he’s working all week, and take care of his laundry and talk to him if he’s willing to go into her room and pry her off the computer.
   I hate this drug. It destroyed our family, my mother’s mind, my parents’ financial future, their retirement, and everything they ever dreamed of as a couple. If someone outside of my own family did this to us, I’d have probably done something really stupid to stop them, but when it’s your own family just folding in on itself, it’s as paralyzing as a watching a train wreck. If you’re on tweek, you’re a serious idiot. I kicked it and have never done it since leaving Modesto. It’s a losers drug.
--AA

   I am a 40 yr old female, started using speed pills in high school....Smoking pot, cigs and drinking at 15 yrs old.....I quite using after I quite high school and had to go to Business College to learn skills....Graduated with flying colors and married a good man that never did drugs, drank only.....I started going out with friends and having fun, was an apartment Manager for 6 yrs...but I divorced the good man and got hooked up with a drug addict...He said he only did it on weekends, but, when I started using again with him it became a never ending delima of where the next bump was coming from.....We started with pot and cocaine, I never liked cocaine but the first time I put it in a syringe and he shot me up, I changed my mind and became very addicted so we changed to speed.....I became a recluse doing crossword puzzles all day long and not going to work, lost my Mgmt job......We were together about 8 yrs.....We moved 13 times in 1 yr., always thinking that a geographical change would help us manage our addiction better.....NOT!!!....We always found somewhere, way, body to get something....Moved to Houston and his brother was shot in the street for ripping some dope dealer off right in front of our apt....He is paralyzed from the waste down and is still spending every cent on crack or heroine in MI.....As for me, I never wanted children and when I found out I was 3 mos. pregnant, refused to quite shooting up.....I felt that baby flip in my tummy one time from a big shot that left me on the bathroom floor wandering if I was going to keep breathing and still wanting the next shot in 15 minutes, COCAINE, those cravings are awful, I gave my body to the dealer for dope a couple of times..... SICK ISN'T IT!!!... I used throughout that pregnancy and when our son was 2 yrs old I sent him with his dad to his parents in MI, hoping I could quite if I wasn't with him......I found out I was pregnant 2 days after they left and moved back to Austin with my parents.....Quite, cold turkey, no cravings or anything......I was clean for 10 yrs, cravings bothered me for 8 of those yrs and I ignored them, I couldn't even look at any of it or talk about it without craving.....Then some friends of mine introduced me to cocaine, just on the weekends, again from there back to the speed, then I was introduced to a cook, whom I still know and am friends with.......Yes, I'm still using, binging about 4 days a month.....My daughter is 14 yrs old now, I know she smokes pot and I know she has tried cocaine, speed and mushrooms but dosen't have a habit with the harder things yet (Scares me to think she might end up like me).....I have been one of the luckier ones that all I get is mouth sores, I only snort it now (thank GOD), occassionally I'll smoke ice with a friend but not often, not my preference......I get alot done when I binge and I only get mouth sores every now and then, but what I do have is permanent unsightly mouth movements all the time when I binge, I have to be very aware when I'm in public cause people peg me.......My daughter does......I now have the cravings back, especially when I get drunk, my mind goes to wheeling, I HATE IT!!!!......I had back problems and had surgery last Nov.....Speed is the only thing that helps kill my pain, excuse maybe, but I know it effects the brain that way......I don't like popping pills they make me mean.......I am with a man now that does it occassionally and he doesn't like that I like to do it when we have it at all........I love him very much and I really don't want this vise to come between us, so I ask GOD everyday to put my thoughts elsewhere, but if I have it, I am going to do it.......There is a TV station in Oregon that has alot of interesting information on the effects and pictures to illistrate what it can do to people......The website is www.kptv.com/Global/story/asp?=2789003, please go visit it, it is an eye opener to say the least.....
   Good luck to all of us with these storys, we will need it to kick this bad habit in the ass and hard...
I was one of the lucky ones that had a healthy baby, he was 5lbs, 15ozs at birth, but no signs of addiction and he is a handsome, whole young man today.....THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS MIRACLE.
-- GS1000G

   Hello. I am guessing all those who are reading this either are like me, or know someone who either is or was. I wish I couldn't write this or or was never introduced to this demon we call meth. This demon has completely shattered my life. I just got out of county jail only a month ago only to be on house arrest. I am still facing prison time. I lost my 3 children, my husband, my home, my car, my license, my freedom, as well as any respect I had from the ones in my life I love the most. See, my husband and I were caught with meth labs. My husbands first was in his truck. He went away for 7 months only to be released on bond. My first was not even mine, but I allowed a "friend" to use my garage to manufacture. He offered me 2 grams to do so. Being the addict that I was I accepted his offer. Little did I know it would cost me so much. The court allowed me to be put on bond as well. Well, my husband and I weren't together when we got busted individually, but got together in Dec when he got out. I love him and always will. But in Jan he decided to manufacture yet again. I was so upset with him I took a pill and went to sleep. I slept through the entire process and just because I was present I got charged as well. It is unjust and unfair, but the bottom line is if I would've just walked away when he was doing it I wouldn't be facing all this right now. He is thinking about what he has done every day of his life since he now has 7 years in prison with no judicial release. I never saw any of this coming. Meth took over my life and unfortunately the lives of everyone I love. My parents now have my 3 beautiful children. I missed my baby's first tooth, my daughter's school play, and my son's first sentence. I have been clean for only 4 months, but these 4 months have been wonderful. I am thinking clearer than ever and get to see my kids all the time. My family wouldn't even come and see me in jail at first. My Mom only came 2 times but my Dad came every week. They were ashamed and had every right to be. I learned far more from my experiences than I could even enlighten you on. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you may not always see it, it's there. Your family will support you through even though they may not at first. And jail is not always a bad thing. Thanks to jail I am still alive to write this, I am clean, and I have given my life to Christ. You will make it through this. I have faith in you even if you don't have faith in yourself because with out the faith of others and my faith in God, I sometimes question if I would've even come this far. And one more thing, you are who you hang with, and with friends like mine I didn't need enemies!!!!!
--Kara

   I hope that there are many people put there that read this letter.
   I am a mother of 3 grown children, ages 30, 28 and my youngest son turning 20 on the 24th of may this year(2005). He has recently started dating a young girl age 17 who has a little girl of her own,her daughter is 17 months old. I had known the girls mother Rose for years as they had lived in our neirghborhood years ago. Rose had moved out to Hope British Columbia with 3 of her 4 children to start a new life out there. Her eldest daughter then only being 18 had stayed behind to live here with friends; the reason being she had lost her baby girl that she gave birth too full term and Arianna Rose was buried here in North Bay. I kept in touch with Rose over the years and then lost touch with her about 3 years ago. Her other daughter Shadow would keep in touch with my daughter as they were friends for a long time, they would call each other or email each other.
   This is where the horror begins. One night my daughter received a disturbing phone call from Shadow stating that her 14 year old sister was missing and had been using crystal meth since she was only 11 years of age. My daughter relayed the message to me and my heart just achec. They did find her in some drug house in Chilliwak B.C. She was right out of it,her mother called the police when Justine refused to go with her. She had been involved in all kinds of crimes,stealing money from other people,forging checks,stealing bikes, doing B& E's. She did anyting to get the money to get high on this nasty devils drug.
   We found that she got pregnat at the age of 15, she apparently quit using as soon as she found out. But as soon as this baby girl was born she returned to the meth. Her sister and her brother Devin tried to get ther to quit, but that was like trying to get a bone away from a starving dog. They told her that Keanna her little baby would probably suffer some form of brain damage due to the fact that she did use in the first trimester of her pregnancy. Do you know that apparently while under the influence of the drug, it never even bothered her for a second.
   Just last March,2004 we found out that the mother Rose was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and did not have much time to live. Rose had been caring for the baby at the time, then her older brother Devin took care of her after Rose was put in the hospital where she lost her life on the 15th of June,2004.
   Justine said she made her mom a promise on her death bed that she would take care of Keanna after she went into treatment and got off the crystal meth, Rose dies shortly after hearing Justine say those words to her. I guess reality had finally sunk in when she watched her mom fade away with this horrible cancer and knew that that was her mothers dying wish. Well she has been clean now since November 1st,2004, she did go into rehad after her mom passed in June but had a relasp on Halloween night. Therefore she says she is only clean since November, 2004.
   I give Justine much credit and she also made the desicion to come and live with her oldest sister Mandy who is now 30 years old. This is how she met my son Eric and they started dating shortly after she moved back here. My son Eric just loves her daughter, she calls my son Daddy and he told Justine he would love to be her daddy. The father of this child is still doing crystal meth and is in and out of jail in Hope B.C.
   We are now looking for some places to bring Keanna for speech therapy as she is behind and is really not able to speak much, her vocabulary is all but 5 words. I believe this is the result of doing the crystal meth while being pregnant. She is cute as a button a little angel for sure. The mother only beng 17 is really trying her best to make it up to her daughter for not being there for her in her 1st year of her life.
   I pray and hope that if there is any other young mother out there that is using this devils drug...please please stop. Do not let Satan get a grip on your life, Jesus is much stronger and will help you through it, all you have to do is ask. I pray for all of you that are on this drug or have family or friends that are on it. God Bless each and everyone of you!
--Paulette

   Happy memories had turned into hate and confusion. I moved out, and that night, he gave me a bag to help with the move. I moved because of the drug, but when I moved, my pass time actually became my addiction. I would get high after work, why? Just because. To numb the pain of a failed relationship. It made time fly and days pass and I remember going back to the house we shared to get high and feeling so unwanted yet I continued to go back, hoping that maybe he would realize what he turned away and want me back. I never made myself broke from it, he seemed to give me enough to keep me going and well, to him we were still together. It wasn’t until new years when he came by in the middle of the night and told me I looked like shit. And in his f**ked up way of helping me he pretended to call the cops on me to turn me in for having dope. I freaked out and flushed it all. Low and behold, he had faked the call and how did I react? I was devastated not that I was lied to, but that I flushed all my stash. That night I took enough muscle relaters I passed out for over 15+ hours and woke up disoriented. I wanted to die. I had fleeting thoughts in life about not wanting to live, but I always thought about family. That night, not one thought passed through my mind about who this might affect. Did it make me quit? No. I got more from another source and I continued with my ways, getting high and crafting. The “perfect” world. I was fit, I was able to walk into a store and not even have to try on a pair of pants I knew they would fit. Pure bliss. Finally my ex bf confessed to me his lies and in a moment of weakness I flushed my stash and told him what I had done. He came by and we got back together, him promising me his sobriety, me believing. It was 2 wk later when he pulled out a bag and I got this awful feeling in my stomach. I didn’t want to get high. I thought we were sobering up together. Ha. We got high and it all went downhill from there. He started to sell and said I wouldn’t see him for a month or so while he made enough cash to pay off his debts. The few times I saw him it was like a different person, I would cry for him and the times when we would connect but there was no connection going on. I finally had it. He stopped selling to me wanting me to quit. I can appreciate that. But I had friends buy it for me. I would sit at work and just think about how I would get home and get high and get a million things accomplished. Justifying my high. I told a friend “I never pictured myself hitting the glass dick.” No one does. Remember those commercials? “No one says they want to be a junkie when they grow up?” who know it would apply to me. Well this month of no contact was enough for me and after being turned down days in a row for plans he made with me I said enough. I am done. He is not my friend not my bf. I have been sober for a week now. I slept like a bear for that first week. Only waking to eat and go to work. I gained 10lb in one week and that alone has given me a complex. But friends tell me I look so much better. Wow, I thought I looked great at 105, when I was usually between 112-118. Funny how a few lbs make a huge difference. Today I came home and I took my pipes and I smashed them and tossed them in the dumpster. No more. I must overcome this. Luckily my only connect is through my ex bf so it will be easy for me to not buy again. It’s just sad and depressing to see a wonderful loving relationship turn sour because of addiction. I love him still, and he has tried to contact me, but knowing what I know about the cycle of abuse it’s the addiction talking to me and not my true love. And as much as I want to help him, I have to put myself first. One slip and I would be sucked back into his drug-induced world only to fall deeper into depression and to be grasping for the love that I once felt but will never feel unless he was sober. But for him, I feel it will be a battle he will fight for years, if not his entire life. Its so hard to fathom, the idea is so easy to quit, but its so much easier to continue the cycle. I only wish him the best and can only love him from afar. For now, I need to learn to love myself and put my life and me first.
--austin, tx

   Hello there. My name is Jennifer. I am a proud mother of five beautiful children. Now to the sad part. I started crank about 3 years ago.....(Doesn't seem like it). I have done other drugs as well. (Left up to your imagination) Crank was the one I knew I wanted more of. I was hooked on it from the first high. Just not the same after the first time, is it? I was introduced to it from a friend of the family. Not that I want you to blame him. The curiosity was there and I was the weak one who wanted 'to see what it would be like'. God I wished I hadn't. It sucked me in pretty fast and well before I knew. I chose friends who I knew would have it. They would help me get connected for a free high. Always wanting to socialize with the 'in' crowd when the only thing we were into was destucting ourselves. I wasn't pregnant with my fifth child when I started. So, when I became pregnant, I got off of it....for a while. I did wide research to justify what I knew I wanted to do. That was to keep doing crank even while pregnant. And believe me when I say that I researched how much you could get away with doing and 'supposedly' not hurt your unborn child. I hid my addiction from my husband, most of my family, and friends. Now that I can look back I am actually depressed that the ones around me didn't care enough to really attempt talking some sence into me. Boy, WAS I SELFISH. I have a difficult marriage. My husband is one of those controlling men you can read about in one of these other forums. So you can see how much he was attatched to me not knowing I was on something. You can of course lie about it but we all know that personalities change with this demon drug. I did VERY illegal things just to get it. I was even under the influence when I went into labor. The same is that I stayed at home longer in labor than I had ever done before, just to finish my foil. (I was a dumb***) The hospital even asked me if I was on coke when I went in because I had effects of pre-ecclampsia (sorry for spelling errors). I had a lovely baby boy dispite my harsh abuse of my body. The LORD loves us all, doesn't HE! Came home and back to doing drugs. Despite my husbands faults though, when he was mad about the drug issue, I knew he had a right to be. (He sent mixed messages to me though when he would pay me for sex knowing I was going out to buy dope when we were through). Then be mad 3 or 4 days later when I wouldn't stop to give him more attention. I have done the hibernate in a bathroom scene, peering out the window, or a make-shift acid trip when your eyes start seeing things that just aren't there. My husband, although making it hard on me when it came to telling him things, definately made my life Hell. I cut back just to avoid the confrontations. I have now lost my children to CPS. Husband got mad at me for leaving him and made a report on me. But he has issues too. You just can't fool those people. They swooped in quickly to save them from the two people that I just didn't (or couldn't) see were hurting them. They were taken on the 5th of May and I get to see them for the first time today. I passed the drug test with crank but I did have THC in my system. I was upfront and told them I would fail it. I grew up in a household that had a pot smoker. And lots of others in my family smoke weed as well. It's hard to be given a good direction in life when your own family is plagued with this type of 'cancer'. I don't even ask for thier support much because what could they offer me? One failure for another...So here I am. Admitting publically my faults. Needing support from strangers because you are all I've got. I know I want my kids back. I am now 30 days clean from weed. Easy to do, though I wouldn't have said it would be. But these desires to get crank.....They are destracting and revolving. How do I break myself from wanting it?
--Jennifer

   Hi, im 24 years old, will be 25 in a couple months. I have two younger brothers who were addicted to meth. One even ended up going to prison over it. He got put in rehab for about 16 months and we all thought he had cleaned up so well. Now were not so sure. His other brother started taking pot around him and well i think he relapsed, the stories i have read on here are so real. Its like reading my life over and over again. They started using when they were about 16 or 17. I remember how one minute they would be happy, then the next they were cursing and for what?? Well im not sure. About 3 years later give or take, we had a "friend" come along. She had 2 kids and I felt sorry for her so i let her move in with me, (boy was that a mistake) well she was into ice pretty bad, and she was real skinny and i was always battling with my weight. She kept at me and i kept telling her no, until one day i gave in. The decision i made that day i will be ashamed of for the rest of my life. Prior to that i had never even smoked cigerettes, or anything, so i tried it, (ate it) and it gave me alot of strength, i thought this aint so bad, and it made me stay up for 2 days i think. I got my whole house clean, all the laundry done (im a single mom who works) well needless to say i kept using, i started losing weight. defacs started getting called on me and the "friend" that was living with me. I even started using with my little brother. That was something i never thought i would do. I almost lost every thing, my dad had just built me a house and i had everything going for me, until then. I remember one time when i had stayed up for 4-5 days the longest i had ever stayed up in my life. I had even lost a few pounds from it. I thought at first that it was a dream come true. The next day at work when i started coming down off of it, i felt my heart beating so hard, i think you could have seen it hitting my chest, i honestly thought i was dying. i started throwing up, but there was nothing to throw up, i was sweating, felt like i was blacking out, i felt like my body was shutting down. that was the last day i ever used. My little brother ended up moving in with some lady who used alot. I told the girl that had moved in with me that she had to go. My little brother had got so bad on it that he was rigging it, smoking, any way he could get it was ok with him. he stole money from me, my mom and dad, anyone who was around. He started getting in fights with my dad, and my dad ended up having a heart attack before it was said and done with. My little brother looked like death warmed over. He was not the same person i had grew up with. Later he got arrested one night while he was fighting with my dad and he ended up going to rehab, we all thought he got cleaned up but now were not so sure. all i can do is praycause i love him and dont want to see him dead. It was horrible cause my mom and dad found out that i had used and it broke their heart. I was so ashamed. I always thought i was a strong person and i am. But that is a powerful drug. Its the devils drug, cause you dont care about no one not even your self. all you care about is your next fix, and that is no joke. If there is anyone reading this story....its not worth losing your life over, It will kill you!!!! It hurts the ones you love so much. I know my parents were very dissapointed in me and i will spend the rest of my life telling them i am so sorry for what i put them through. I swore to my parents that i would never do it again, and i have kept my promise so far. I have changed my life. Always remember that if you want to change you have to change everything, as the old saying goes you cant just change the playground, you gotta change your playmates too. Prayer is the best, God is the only one who can make things better but you gotta ask him!!!!!! He loves you, all you gotta do is ask. Thank you all so much for the stories that have inspired me so!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--NM-GA

   I am a 27 yo mother of a 2yo little girl and I first posted in March 2005 when I first felt the ice grab me. I closed hoping for the strenght to leaveit alone, but admitting that I really didn't want to yet. Since then I bought another gram the next week, and another the next, and finally realized buying a half eight was cheaper, and finally bought my first (and only) eight ball. I have done it almost everyday from March to May. I take Xanax at night to get some rest, but near the middle of May, I started to feel like I was obviously twacked out. Even at work, I stopped looking people in the eye, stopped answering calls from friends and family that weren't using and avoided my husbands eyes at all costs. I noticed my daughter becoming more introverted and secluded, probably from being left in front of the TV while I hid in the bathroom for 30 min. smoking, and cleaning the pipe and reloading. I stated being later and later to work, and finally, a close friend whom I identify with was fired for meth use and possession on the job (which I was also doing). Wake up call. I'm next. Everyone falls on this stuff, I've watched everyone around me fall, losing jobs, sacrificing relationships with their kids, losing family, losing f**king teeth for God's sake. I had done none of those yet really, but it occurred to me, watching my otherwise successful responsible friend lose a high scale job that either I stop now or I will be the next to lose. And I have a hell of a lot to lose. Not stuff that was given to me either but stuff I worked my ass off for. Two degrees and a step away from my master's degree. My unbelievable daughter, my house I purchased on my credit with no help from anyone, my luxury vehicle I bought on good credit, and friends and family that unconditionally love and support me. Good jobs and endless opportunities. Its not worth losing to a habit that makes me feel like shit, look like shit (I weigh 93 pounds, 3 pounds more that when I quit 6 days ago), and makes my life go to shit. So after 6 days of sleeping, crying, eating, crying, and neglecting every other part of my life, I can feel again, real human feelings, like happiness and sadness and empathy and pain. I can smell life, even though sometimes it stinks and even though sometimes I think I'm gunna explode from bad nerves, damn it feels good to feel nerves even.
   I don't know that I will never do it again. I do know I will never allow it to be a hobby or a major part of my life again. I will admit, I would love nothing more that to watch it melt in the pipe and roll it around, and watch the think white smoke cloud up and taste it. I love the act of smoking it more than being high. I don't even like that high that much. I just love to smoke it. I dream about it, and I crave the shit out of it.
   But I don't want that life. And I won't have it. And I didn't do a firm support system. Upon admitting to my husband, I've had nothing but attacks and anti-support from him. And I didn't wait to lose my job or my house or my kids. I know it will come if I keep going, so I'm quitting and I'm done whether of not anyone else is in my group (which they are not) or anyone else backs me up.
   I'M DONE! I'M OUT! I'M OVER THIS SHIT! I OWN ME AND MY LIFE, AND I'LL HAVE THE ONE I'VE WORKED FOR!
   Sorry if this sounds self-righteous, but I am kinda proud. And I wish anyone in my boat the power and confidence and courage and sheer f**king luck and faith and chance to get away and break freeze. I don't think I owe it all to me. I was fortunate enough to learn from others, and have a few supportive friends and a chance to fall apart in my life to get it together. And even though I fail to pray (b/c I'm way too much of a hypocrite to ask God to help a sinner like me), I do feel like God has helped. If your ready to stop and your scared, you should be. it's scary, but its possible. you can do it, its shitty for about a week, but you get to feel yourself again, the feelings, the colors, the life, it comes back and its worth it.
   Maybe I've just rambled, but maybe there is someone who can benefit from being understood and heard. I wish you all success and power over this devil in a glass pipe. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine. This web site has been a wealth of strength for me and I'm eternally grateful. Peace and sobriety and real life to you all!
--JL

   I had a meth addicted lady land in at my place from next door. She was moving out of her home where she and her addict boyfriend were evicted. He lost a successful towing business, became abusive and she was trying to escape. I rented some space to her to store her stuff, then I rented a spare bedroom to her.
   At that point the troubles started, she and her meth friend were doing all night meth parties in my backyard ( I have a large lot). She eventually got raped out there, she became frightened that I wouldn't like her, and ran off. I eventually tracked her down to deliver her stuff, but she ended up in a place I call crank central. She has spent a year there, and she is mainly in a drug blur most of the time. Her hair is starting to fall out, her ex-husband took her 13 year old son out of state, and she cannot leave crank central because she is afraid she will end up homeless. She is evidently stuck there, and will not likely survive another year.
   She is hiding her addiction from her son and is too paranoid to enter rehab. Her new boyfriend is from an addict family and his last wife died of drug use, his sister died of drug use, his brother died in a drug deal gone bad, his step son and step grandson are addicted and in trouble. He tolerates her drug use, allows it to happen and feeds the girl money.
   For the longest time she only spent time around me when her meth "balance" was just right, and she seemed quite nice and normal. I knew little about the addiction, but since then I have done a lot of research.
   Now, I tell her she can use my place to get clean, bring a friend if she has to, but she is afraid of leaving her boyfriend because the physical deterioration of her body. She feels this boyfriend is her last chance for a marriage, but she admits that she does not like him, sometimes staying out for many nights to avoid him.
   She hates her love life with him, but she needs that love life to fund her drug use. But the love life causes her a deal of depression, and makes it hard to try and get clean. Then when she asks me for help, I go drive by and ask what she wants, then she becomes terribly frightened that she will be in trouble with boyfriend, so I cna do nothing. A self-reinforcing cycle.
   She and boyfriend made a big mistake when they started a sex for drug money deal, and now after a year I doubt that she can clean up while living with him. At 45 she has few choices left. Her son is coming back to town for the summer, staying at her sister, and she does not want him to see how she lives, but she is afraid of leaving.
   The sad part is that boyfriend is not likely to pay the $100,000 it takes to cover a stroke, which is what he paid for his last wife's drug addiction problems. So I cannot see this relationship as lasting forever, and that puts the lady on the street where her son, soon to be 16, will feel obligated to track her down and try to help. So the son has already probably lost one or two future years just trying to help his mom.
   The lady has all the symptoms, hair falling out, paranoia, losing weight, no driver's license, bad teeth. The scams she pulls while on meth are legendary. She treats me like a secret friend, but everyine in town knows she trades sex for drug money, even the cops and all her friends. It is like she lives in opposite world, good is bad and visa versa.
   I am her only straight friend, she has no family left. I will help her, but only if she accepts detox, enters rehab, and attends the proper counseling. I tell her romance is out of the question between us and she will have to restart her career. These are big steps for her, but I can accept no less without taking a big risk. I am her only escape. Her choice is bleak, die at crank central within a year, or take my cure, she has no other options.
   Now, when I meet people, I have to watch carefully that they are not addicted. I cannot again get involved with an addict, it is just too risky.
--Matt

   I am 24 years old and have been living with my 29 year old boyfriend for close to 5 years now. When we met, I knew he was using meth heavily, but he assured me he was ready to quit. Typical female, I believed him and thought that I could help him change. I had never been around someone that used drugs, other than marijuana, and so I had no idea of what to look for or what the "symptoms" were. My boyfriend has been unemployed since I met him, holding only a few jobs for a very short period of time. He's great at working with computers, and has been trying to start up a computer service business for about 2 years now. He had a rough childhood and his own father was the one who introduced many different drugs to him at a fairly young age. He grew up thinking it was normal as everyone around him was doing it and doing it openly. He doesn't speak to his father anymore, but still caries a ton of issues that go along with all of that. He's promised me over and over again that he isn't doing that shit anymore and that he won't because he loves me. I believe him time and time again because I know that he really does love me, but the power of the drug seems to be too strong and the "issues" he needs to deal with in his live to overwhelming for him. For the first two years we were together, things were really rough. I was in denial, however, my family all knew something wasn't right and begged me over and over again to leave him. This only made me angry as I trusted and so wanted to believe what my boyfriend was telling me. I began to put up walls between myself and my family members because no matter what, conversations always went back to him and them wanting me to leave. Things definately began to get better there for a while, but he was still hanging out with his old friends who I knew were on drugs and even selling. He openly discussed this with me, but denied he was using with them. I think he did this to make it seem as if he was being honest with me by telling me these horrible things that his friends were involved in. There were several times when I would find things lying around the house that didn't make sense to me: cut straws, pens with the ink cartridge taken out leaving a hollow shaft. There were some times when I even found pipes. Up until today, I didn't know for a fact that meth was snortable, so I believed him when he simply dismissed these things. We recently moved to a nicer house, after living in a one bedroom apartment for 3 years. It seems that I have found more paraphanelia in this house in the 2 months we've been here, than in the entire amount of time we've been together. Yet, still he tells me he's not doing it anymore. I even found a pipe, showed it to him, then smashed it on the counter. Today, I found out that he picked up the smashed pieces after I left and has been using the in-tact stem of the pipe to smoke. I have approached him about this several times, at first just with threats for him to leave, but I really don't want him to leave. I love the true person I know he really is, and want nothing more than to just be able to help him. Recently, he's admitted his problem and I've tried to approach him in different ways, but nothing seems to work. I know he just keeps lying to my face. He says he only does it once in a while and I would know if he really had a problem because things would come up missing, he would have sold his truck and he would be selling meth if he really had a problem. However, there's nights when he doesn't come to bed until 5 or 6:00am because he's been tinkering around on computers, looking at and downloading porn for hours at a time. And then, he may wake up 1 1/2 hours later and be ready to start the next day. This is really frightening to me. These are the times when I just feel sick to my stomach. From the looks of things, now you wouldn't be able to tell that he is on drugs, except for one pretty obvious thing, another thing I just learned about. His mom always told me that when he does drugs, you can tell because his skin breaks out something fierce. He, on the other hand, always told me that they were ingrown hairs, something I've read on this site today is a pretty common excuse. He has spent hours locked in the bathroom, picking at his face and pulling these "ingrown hairs". He finally got me to take him to a dermatologist because it got so bad, all infected and permanently scarred. They've gone away with the help of antibiotics, but this just scares me even more. Are the antibiotics just helping him to cover his problem up? I don't want to leave him, and I don't want him to leave me, but can't help but wonder where I would be in my life, if it wasn't for his aweful addiction to meth. Well, enough rambling. If you couldn't already tell, I have no one to talk to about any of this and just needed to vent, even if only to an unknown e-mail recipient.
--Sincerely, Scared and Confused in CA

   Hi my name is Crystal i was a meth user and i was on it for nearly 2 yrs.... Going through abuse but being addicted so i stayed and kept puttin' up with the abuse.. When i finally got brave and left the guy i was with my life fell apart worse than it already had.. I left my ex Boyfriend on sept 11th 2003.. On sept 15th 2003 he broke into my mothers home beat my mother to death and left my to small children in the home iwth my mother and took me to a field. He told em that if i tried to get away he would kill me and that if i was gone when he got back he would return to my mothers home and kill my children... luckily i got away and went to a neighbors and called the cops they went to his house and arrested him and called my kids dad to come and get them and took me to the hospital for an evalutation and took the guy who did it to jail.. It has been almost 2 yr's now and i am clean and proud of it cuz that shit will ruin your life... Not only did i loose my mom but my brother has been in and outta jail for manufacturing meth... I just want all the youngers one's to know what can and will happen to their lives if they let dope rule there lives.. I am only 21 and have lost almost all of my family to dope and people on it so please take my advice ya'll dont' do it..........I hope this helps............
--Crystal

   I am the mother of a recovering meth addict. My daughter is in a long term recovery center along with my grandaughter who is now 3 months old. My first visit with her was last friday evening after 2 months of almost no contact. She is doing well with her counseling and group discussions now, although she has been reprimanded twice for not following the rules of the house. I had some indication that she was doing something, but just could'nt figure out what it was, feel bad that I didn't act sooner, but had no where to go for help that I knew of. While she was in her last 4 months of pregnancy I had called CPS on two occasions and talked to the police about her comings and goings, they knew more than I did since her husband was constantly being watched having to do with robberies in the area and drug trafficking. He went to jail 24 hours before the birth of his daughter, and as of yet has not seen her. My daughter went into pre-mature labor 2 days after shooting meth, one month to the day early labor. They flew her to a hospital that was better able to deal with the problems that came from shooting meth and newborns/pre mature infants. She was there for two days before they told her she would not be leaving the hospital with her child, because both mother and daughter tested positive for meth in their blood streams. Both the police and CPS would or could not do anything for me, said she was out of my jurisdiction as she was 18 and married. I know that this is my daughters addiction and not mine, she has got to deal with this on her own, my help is not going to help her recover, I just need to be there for her when visitation comes around, and let her know there is at least one person who still believes in her. Our family is not a tight one, alcoholism and mental abuse has taken it's toll on us.
   My granddaughter is fussy all the time. She has no self calming reflex, which is something that is caused by the meth use of her mother. That is not her only problem however. She cannot tolerate bright light, loud noise, or too much one on one attention, too much input for her little mind to deal with. She doesn't sleep well or too long and does not react well to the every day attention given to her by her mother or others. Her cries start off at full wail, nothing leads up to this, no whimpering or mewing cries, it's just full wail all the time. My daughter is taking parenting classes 2 days a week in order to have more patience to deal with her screaming infant. All that is just the start of the problems this poor granddaughter of mine is going to have before the age of 2. Since my daughter was using meth during her whole pregnancy there will be many more hurdles for her to jump in her young life. My daughter for the rest of her life will be looking at her daughter and wondering if her meth use made her child get a D on her report card or be clumsy or many of the other things we would otherwise just think of as a childhood thing. How does one forgive themselves for bringing all that and more onto a baby in this world, like life isn't hard enough without being disabled in some way that could have been avoided. It's not like my daughter did not know that her drug use would in some way affect her unborn child, just the opposite, she had read all the literature. That feel good sensation that meth gives you just covers over the facts, or just makes you think things will work out in the end. The day I walked into her house and found her all tweaked out for the first time, wow, it just hit me, "Oh my god, she's dying, she's killing herself"! I often wonder what was going through her husbands mind while her was helping her shoot up and her belly was sticking out so far she could no longer see her shoes, not like there wasn't a really big reminder for him that she was carrying his unborn child. I'm not placing the blame on him, she did it! Meth is a really big problem in my rural little area, no jobs, very poor economy. I've had to cut friends out of my life, while at the same time watch them lose their house, car and their young children to meth, all for this drug. Maybe this is the plague of the 21 century.
--Kim

   I am 15 years old and no one ever sees the point of view of the daughters or sons of meth abusers. My mother ever since I can remember has been addicted. I've always felt second best next to her drug habbit. The problem is shes an alcoholic and when shes drunk it seems to trigger the urge to get that pipe in her hand. People don’t understand how hard it is to see your own mother high on drugs when you're 8 or 9 years old and not understand why she ignores your crying for her to stay and not leave you at home alone or with another relative. It seemed like I spent half of my childhood crying for my mother to stay with me. She loved me but she didn’t love her self. She was looking for something to make her feel good about what she was doing in life. All it did was ruin her life and mine. She often mistook me for an obstacle , something standing in her way of what she wanted to do. She didn’t understand how it hurt me that I felt unloved and abandoned. The only time she would ever spend time with me is when she'd have a month or two clean and trying to be a mother, breaking free from her old drug buddys to try and be a mother. Some way or another it'd all come back to us, and she'd be out doing it all over to me again. Now that I am 15 years old my mother is Depressed, Antisocial, she has Extreme anxiety, she has trouble getting out her words at times, ALL because of years of using. She is just now trying to be here for me. It took me getting taken away by CPS when I was 13 for her to realize she needed to stop. We're both residing with my grandmother. She's been fighting 2 hard years to get me back, drug tests, NA meetings, Groups, its not easy for her. It's confusing the way she explains the world to me. She tells me Everyones out to get you, you'll never be happy. Youre probly going to get pregnant. She doesn’t see that everything she has done to me, opened a big can of reality to me. I promised myself from the day I realized what was causing her soo much pain, that I wouldn’t inflict that pain on myself or anyone that I love. It's hard for her to talk about my childhood, mostly because she regrets so badly how she treated me. She just tells me how sorry she is. Tonight, she took off, telling me that she cant handle me and im going to turn out just like her, the reason being is because I drank at a party a couple nights ago, and she found out, she's absolutely disgusted with me. She's calling me every name in the book,because she is so scared I will go through what she's been through. I have no idea if shes going to ruin her Long time Clean and sobor by going out and getting high. I pray to god she's safe, just cooling down realizing all the hurtful things she's said to me. No matter what, she is my mother and I vow to make her proud, I will never lay a hand on meth. That is my honest to god truth. I myself, and many other kids of drug abusers learn the hard way how it will ruin everything.
DON’T DO IT! please, god please. I barely have a mother because of it. And I never had a father, so without both it’s a hard life to teach myself morals. but im begging any of u that are doing it, its SO not worth the pain in the end. and those who want to try it, you'll find love, youll find peace, you don’t need this in your life.
--Shayla

   I was shocked when I went on your website and visited the stories page. For the first time, in a long time, I was able to see sanity within meth abuse. My story is somewhat similar, but totally different. I was surprised that there was not more description into the complete paranoia and delusional side. I did identify, however, with the being sucked in time and again to a life with a severe meth addict.
   My story is as follows. I met Erin while I was healing from a nasty divorce. My life had spiraled out of control, from my typically controlled life. I am a 30+ well educated, well traveled, career minded (in the accounting profession no less), mother of two. I had been married for 13 years to the same man, and thought our lives were perfect. So when my life fell apart I fell right along with it – I didn’t realize how far I was about to fall and no I didn’t start using Meth, just had the opportunity to meet and fall in love with an addict. I started hanging out at the local, numb the pain tavern, with down and outs like myself. I met some grand bar buddies that I could read my list of done me wrongs and we would all rally in support of the next guy. Through one of these great friends I met this incredibly sensitive, sweet wonderful man. He swept me off my feet and within a month moved into my beautiful four bedroom home on the beach. Life was perfect! I had a boyfriend that was everything. He had been very popular in HS and I felt proud to have snagged him from a woman who tossed him aside like a piece of garbage – or so the sales pitch went. This was a really good guy, I was able to rally behind him as he fought for custody of his three kids (he had a restraining order against him and wasn’t allowed to see his children when I met him – should have been stike 1). I was able to support him, when no one else even showed up to his felony criminal trials (he had cut his house up with a saw zaw looking for secret passages to the neighbors for his wife and the 19 year old to crawl back and forth for their lurid love affair – should have been strike 2). And his second felony of making terrorist threats against the kids and his family – hello strike 3?). But, instead of running as fast as I could, I had a project! I am very astute at research and I helped him hire the best attorneys, write long dissertations on why he should be with his children, researched the psychological effects for kids with absent fathers and whatever I could to support his quest for freedom and custody. I helped him buy beds and bedding, bought a new car to hold my newfound “family” and through up pictures of his family to help him and his kids feel at home. I called his wife (she couldn’t go through with the divorce because God didn’t want to end marriages) and tried to act as a liaison for him and his kids. I delved into my new project with the gusto I had been missing for the past 2 years, while I struggled with my divorce. Once accomplished, I prepared to enjoy my newfound family and life and tuckered down for a lifetime of happiness with this lost soul, I had found and given the reason to be sober. Well, he did smoke pot and drank like a fish, but he wasn’t using meth! A major accomplishment, I had been told. Seemed like no big deal to me.
   Looking back on the rapid deterioration into a world of schizophrenia, paranoia and delusional behavior I was shocked by two things. One how stupid could I possibly be to not notice the many, many signs that was forthcoming? And two how crazy could a person become when spun out of his gourd? In early July, seven months after I started seeing the new love of my life, I came home to find a sheet had been hung over our bedroom window, the living room French doors, and our bedroom French door. I actually thought he was under a lot of stress and was just kind of trippin’. It honestly never occurred to me he was using again. In fact, I defended him at all cost – no Erin was not using meth! His sexual appetite that had been dormant for a few months was back and I was simply ecstatic I was finally getting laid again. His behavior got more and more jealous and he started questioning where I “really” was – like when I had a 5:30 chiro appt. And then he went to Ojai. Upon his return something was amiss, but I had to go to a baptism in LA so I had to leave for the weekend. I came home from work and literally Russell Crowe’s character from a beautiful mind was sitting in my living room. He had been on my computer and my boyfriend that I so adored had read a “cripted” email message and was accusing me of having a lesbian relationship with his brother’s girlfriend (who lived an hour away) and of having a three-some with his brother and her. All of a sudden a flood of sheer sickness came over me and I knew, the people around me that were watching the demise of my sweet, sensitive, loving boyfriend were right. He was using and in a bad way. He was high as a kite. I tried to take him to the hospital, but he didn’t want to go. I tried to be patient, but he was out of his mind. He kept me up for two days with sick and twisted accusations. Finally, I told him to move out – TODAY! That was the first time. Now you would think a highly intelligent, upper-middle class accountant, who had only known this guy a year would have no problem walking away right – WRONG! He begged and pleaded and cried and apologized and promised he was going to get help. And I was strong, at first. But eventually the “rehab” he was going to attend turned into shrink appts and only with me and eventually those stopped altogether. And although I was smart enough not to get financially roped back in and smart enough to keep him away from my impressionable kids, I decided I was going to support him. Almost immediately I got pregnant – something “we” wanted – I use that loosely, cuz a meth addict that isn’t using is very accommodating and loving and sweet and kind and wonderful. I was excited. Our life was going to be wonderful – Erin was never going to use again, he told me. He promised if he even wanted to use he would let me know so I could help him. ‘Cuz after all, with an MBA I am very useful for a psychotic mess. It only took 3 months before he started using again. This time I was a little smarter, but not much. He brushed aside my questions about his behavior as I always nagged him and was so controlling! Eventually, he accused me of having “married midnight callers come in and out of my bedroom window to have unsolicited sex because I was such a tramp everyone knew just by driving by my house I would have sexual relations with them” and “jumping out of his roommates window after a sexual liaison, despite my being 4 months pregnant”. The verbal abuse became so bad, that I took his script including the suggestion I had a relationship with his brother the time before and confessed to EVERYTHING, then had him drop me off and threatened to call the police if he so much as called. As I was dealing with this another sickening feeling came over me, he was accusing me of identical behavior he had accused his ex girlfriend of, the one before his wife. This was it right? WRONG again.
   I sit here today, completely devastated after a week that started out so wonderfully and ended so horrifically. Again, the tears the begging, the pleading, the apologies, the promises. This time confessions of sex with bar crack whores, of course after he convinced me to make love to him and very well may have brought disease not just to me but to our unborn baby. And within a week, the depression – so hard and cold, the 2am wake up call followed by the promise to get help and ultimately the accusations. I don’t think I have cried this hard or this much for anyone. I don’t know if I truly love him, want so badly to help him or just realize every time I get roped back in what an idiot I am. They are just words and not actions – never a single action!
My request is simple. Meth addicts, please stay away from good, wholesome, intelligent, non drug users – we don’t deserve your abuse. We don’t have the wherewithal to deal with your abuse. We will try to help you, over and over and over again because we are sane and see how crazy you are. You will destroy us. Please stick to your own kind, they can understand, participate and enjoy the insanity.
--MG

   Hi, my name is diane and i want to start this letter out by saying " don't fool yourself or let anyone else fool you . Meth kills"!!!!!.. I know, i just received the death certificate of my childrens father. The cause of death on the certificate reads acute methamphetamine intoxication.. It took 3 months for toxicology to be ran and the death certificate to be completed. Don't be shocked when i tell you that when i wrote his obituary all i could state was natural causes ... Well it was the truth . Death is natural but i wonder how many other people have died secondary to meth but it just is not published.
   i am also getting a little upset with the media because they portray most meth users as bad people and low life... They are forgetting to get to the bottom line and that is that meth kills... It can even be the first time you use it.... It takes the lives of all sorts of people and completley changes a persons personality... The person could be your best friend, your parents, your child...i hope people read this letter so my childrens father does not die with out a purpose. If it just helps one person to quit or not go on it... I also want you to know that my children ages 2, 12, 10, and 17 miss their father dearly .. He was a great father but unfortuanetly he did have a meth addiction... I will tell you it was the worst day of my life when i found him laying face down on the floor with a meth pipe beside him.. That memory will haunt me the rest of my life... As well as his childrens because they were with me too ( they did not see the pipe) ..we will truly miss each holiday with him and not a day will go by that we won't think of him and miss him... We love you dad...
   Please please get off meth or don't try it... Tell people you read this and it does kill.. Other people have died too but familys get enbarrased because it is illegal and such a terrible terrible drug.. If you don't die it also changes your perosonality (and not at all for the better) i truly have to say i think it is a drug created by the devil ...
   In memory of my childrens father and my best friend... Love you ..
--Diane

   My son's best friend of 10yrs has decided to live his life on ice. He has in the past 2 months tried to commit suicide twice. He is starting to spiral way out of control. He has decided after being raised in church all his life ( this is where he and my son met) that he know is atheist. I pray for all those that are using meth of any kind, that you find the way, the truth, and the light. Jesus loves you and he is the only high any one needs. My sons friend 2 days ago wrecked his car for the second time in 4 weeks, while the man that saw the wreck tried to help him, he locked himself in the car and proceeded to cut his wrist. He will be 19 in a few months, lost his job, his car, his insurance( he can no longer be covered), his freedom for a while, is in the process of running off all his friends, and has a baby on the way, that I guess he wants to leave blaming itself for his fathers suicide. He says he will keep trying until he does it. PLEASE STOP USING< the word says, that the enemy comes to still,kill and destroy. Undoubtedly he comes in the disguise of METH.
--Bobbie

   i am a 15 year old girl and the whole reason i am on here is to find some stories to help my cousin realixe what she is getting herself into! but it makes me want to tell you guys whats going on with her! her name is brittany and she is 16 years old, she lived with her dad for about 10 years and she was never in trouble but then she moved in with her mom and i knew it would not be good after the first time she ever told me that she had smoked pot! i was so shocked! and she has also been drinking alot and smokin cigarettes! it makes me sick to watch my beautiful cousin just through her life away like that! she was so well liked around school, she never was real popular but that never mattered to her, everyone liked her anyway! but now everyone is too afraid to say anything to her because she will just go off on ppl for no apparent reason! ITS SO FU**ING DUMB! I HATE IT! not only was she my favorite cousin but she wa also one of my very best friends! and she still is but i just cant talk to her anymore! i wish that she would stop all this shit! shes better than that! she tells me the reason she started was that her dad told her he wanted nothing to do with her! i understand that but there are other ways! believe me i no! i had to sit there night after night watchin my step dad beat the shit out o my mom( who is like my whole world )almost killing her several times! but i got through it and now they are getting a divorce! but brittany is not the same at all! she tries to cuss all the time and she never used to at all! she smokes around me knowing i hate cigarettes b/c my g-ma jus died of full body cancer! i hate that! she will tell me what happens when she does all this! and then she asked me if i wanted to go drink with her! it makes me depressed! i talked to her and i told her everyone including me misses the old brittany and she just told me that the old brittany was never coming back! i wanted to cry but im trying to stay strong for her! I JUST WANT TO TELL ALL YOU PPL WANTIN TO GO OUT AND DO ALL THIS SENSLESS SHIT THAT ITS WRONG AND NOT ONLY WILL IT KILL YOU BUT IT WILL ALSO HURT THE PPL YOU LOVE THE MOST MORE THAN ANYTHING! I HOPE YA'LL LISTEN CUZ I HATE ALL DAMN DRUGS AND YOU SHOULD TOO! IT MAY MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER FOR A WHILE BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENS? THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU LIGHT UP AGAIN!!!!!
   i hope that maybe at least one person decides to either quit or never try drugs after listenin to me!!!! good bye and ill pray for ya'll!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--kw

   I am sixteen years old and my whole life i have been around drugs. My uncle, Jason, is addicted to meth and he does meth labs. Which kills me! I don't think i have ever seen him clean. He had a son 6 years ago. Which they found drugs in my aunt's system and automatically took my cousin into foster care. It hurts because my cousin crys because his dad forgets about him and my uncle doesn't even care about what he is doing. Jason has probably been to only two of my cousins birthdays. I remember one day on christmas my grandma asked my stepdad (who is also addicted to drugs) to go pick up my uncle from his house. They didn't return until three hours later and my stepdad ended up having a overdose. My uncle only has one more chance until he goes to prison for life, he is probably headed there in about two months. He is constantly getting into fights and yelling at everyone. One day he was so f**ked up he sold everything in his house: couches lawn mowers, i mean EVERYTHING! He is insane now and i don't want to have anything to do with him. My life is so f**ked up that i can't even be happy with myself. I just want all the meth addicts to know that you will eventually lose everything - friends, your family, and your mind! You are hurting everyone around you and i think that all of you are selfish. I don't have a dad and now i am losing the only one i THOUGHT i had. Please don't be stupid and choose drugs over your loved ones and i hope you will choose to get help
--Melissa

   Hi I have a friend who did meth for as long as I knew him!! We were at a party together and he takes me and a couple of his buddies to the back yard and they start injecting meth!! I got scared and said we need to get the heck out of here. So he took me home and dropped me off and I had not heard from him for at least 4 days when my friend called me. She asked for me and I said I am here she then informed me that the night that my friend took me home he killed himself. He thought that someone was out to get him and he could not get away so he parked on the edge of a field and shot himself. I cried for 2 weeks straight and I still get very emotional over it even though that was 4 years ago. I am 26 now and I made a vow to myself that I would NEVER do meth or any kind of drug. I know that my friend is watching over me somewhere somehow and I will soon hopefully be reunited with him in the end.
--SK

   I will be 16 in a few weeks ....the first time i tried it i was 13 or 14 it was at a party and i wanted to try it, i was pissed at my parentd and wanted to forget about shit. i didnt sleep for two days after my first time, i LOVED it, I was hooked. i was still in school and getting ok grades. pretty soon i stopped going to high school and started going to an internet school i hated all the people i went to high school with. i thought they were all immture and needed to grow up. maybe i just grew up to fast. i was dating this guy, he did everything for me he meant so much to me and i wanted to be with him for a long time he was the only person in my life that really cared about me ........and then i just lost interst in him one day. all that matterd to me was being high ...and he didnt hang out with the people i hung out with and he didnt like "shit heads" (meth users) its like he was hanging on to me as long as he could because the only reason why i wasnt as bad as i wanted to be was because i was scared i would lose him. one night i was really high and angry at him, now i think about it i was mad about nothing i just was denying love and hated him for loving me so i broke up with him. i never hated myself so much after i did that i couldnt take it back and i felt like shit and i wanted to die. I started dating another guy who was REALLY into meth and we always got along fine and cared about eachother because we were always high, but i know now all the feelings we had for eachother were fake... one day i was sober and just sitting there thinking.. i just had sex with this kid and i dont love him or even kno him and he doesnt even know me our relationship is completly fake. things got really bad when i stop going to school completly and my new boyfriend decided to beat up my ex. he and another friend had my ex down on the pavement and were kicking him in his face until he was bleeding from his head... other friends had to pull him off of his motionless still body on the sidewalk.......and i was in the car watching the whole thing.. i couldnt even cry i couldnt even breath.. this was the guy i was supposed to be with.. this was the guy that really loved me and wanted to be with me and take care of me.. and now hes gone and my reason for staying straight went right with him my life kind of flashed in my mind... i was so regretful... ihad lost the love and friend of a wonderful person over drugs and be happy.. that was the moment i knew that that was all he ever wanted for me and i was so selfish and i never wanted to live again after that i felt like hell about myself in my life because i knew i could have stopped it if i wasnt always so hi and not thinking i could have saved him....... now its as if i have no reason to live i dont even love myself and i hate my family.. it shouldnt be like that i should want to see my family and my friends but now i just want to hide in my room in my bed and cry.. i have ruind my life because of meth and all my bad decisions....i know i will never be the same and i can never stopp but i hope my story scares everyone who reads it to stay away from meth. meth lost me a wonderful person i will never see again, meth lost me my family, meth lost me my true friends, meth lost me my home i will never get a real job or family all i will ever have is memories of my life when i was happy...
--emotionless

When I should happen to die.
I will no longer have to depend on this high.

My satisfaction would be the relief of all my stress.
Able to forget all the hurt I've caused and leave this mess.

I once lived a good life , now turned to catasrophe.
Sitting here destroying myself with drugs and stupidity.

I'm now in a place where I sit all alone.
Full of darkness and demons , this place is my home.

Here evil over comes you , hatred and deciet are my only love.
Lies , confusion , and pain , that is what dope is really made of.

This demon has caused me destruction and loss.
I no longer have control my addiction , it is the boss.

Being confined to this madness is a living hell.
Trying my best to hide it so nobody can tell.

Considering death to be my only goal and accomplishment.
Hoping that maybe when I'm gone things will be different.

Wondering if this could be my last and final destiny.
Or , can something still be able to save me....
--Jane

   Hi. I was on the internet looking up further information on Meth. I believe my husband is using and have found suspicious things but he always has a ready made excuse handy. I know in my gut he is using…when I read the signs listed about someone using Meth, it confirmed quite a few. I guess I want to know for sure 100%. The latest finding was of some Vitamin C capsules that did NOT have vitamin C in them. I know Vitamin C is little pellets and this was powder/crystal in the capsule. I took it to the police station and had it tested. It was positive for Meth. My husband in turn gave me one of his quick excuses. He said he had purchases “yellow Jackets” from a gas station. They have ephedrine and caffeine in them but one capsule gave him too much energy…so he would empty the pellets of vitamin C out of their capsule and put a portion of the Yellow Jacket product in the vitamin C capsule. I ask you, doesn’t that sound a little odd?? I told him it came back positive for meth and he said it would because it has the ephedrine in it. The officer said that would be “very unlikely.” But still my husband is sticking to his story. His behavior at times is him staying up till 2 and 3am, at times working on our computer. Getting jealous over silly things. His temper at times is more than usual. Scratching/fidgeting and at times his eyes have a hard time staying open. He is also on medication for a back problem that he now has constant pain and when these “signs” have come up, he always says it’s his back medication. It’s at the point now where I am wanting the truth to be told to me. I feel strong after I read something or getting the test results back from the police and I go to him feeling strong..and then he gives me his excuses and he says it with such conviction I almost feel doubtful of myself.
Any response or information would be very much appreciated. Thank You,
--Lisa

WITH THIS NEEDLE , I THEE WED
So now little man your tired of grass,LSD,acid, cocaine and hash
When someone pretending to be a true friend
Said I'll introduce you to Miss heroin
Well honey before you start fooling with me
Let me inform you of how it will be
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
I've sent stronger men than you to their graves
You'll think you could never be such a disgrace
Then you'll end up addicted to poppy seed waste
You'll start by inhaling me, one afternoon
Then you'll take me into your arms
very soon
And once I have entered deep into your veins
The craving will really drive you insane
You'll need lots of money{Have you already been told}
For darling I am much more expensive than gold
You'll swindle your mother for less than a buck
You'll end up an animal vile and corrupt
You'll mug and you'll steal for a narcotic charm
And only feel content when I'm deep in your arm
One day you'll realize the monster you've grown
Then solemnly promise to leave me alone
If you think that you'll have the mystical knack
Just come and try getting me off your back
The vomit , the cramps,your guts in a knot
The jangling nerves screaming for just one more shot
The hotchills, the cold
sweat, the withdrawel pains
Can only be eased by my little white grains
There is no other way, no need to look
For deep down inside you 'll know tha your hooked
You'll desperately run to the pusher and then
You'll welcome me back to your vein once again
And when you return as I have foretold,
You'll ultimately give me your
body and soul
You'll give up your morals ,your conscience, your heart.
And then you'll be mine till death do us part
--Author Unknown

   I am the daugter of a meth addict. My mother is 42 and has been on meth for at least the past 22 years, (maybe longer). She has been back and forth, three times I know of. I was raised by her parents, my Grandparents. I call them Mom and Dad. My mother was the youngest of seven kids. My mother is currently living at home with them now. She needed them to bail her out of jail last year. She is still claiming to be clean. Five pipes have been found, she takes off Friday night and returns home Monday. She crashes for a while. She helps my parents take care of her two handicapped brothers that also live at home. Recently, she does not show up. She is full of excuses. However, I KNOW! The denial that runs through my family is unbelievable. This is my recent letter to her. I know that she cares when she reads it, but the drugs remind her to forget. I have yet to recieve a response from her. I see her every week, she just pretends that nothing happened, (or is she really pretending). I have become quite farmiliar with this drug it's behaviors and it's patterns. I know not to expect much, but I can't say I will quit trying. This letter hasn't changed her (yet), so I put it out for someone who will change. Parents: remember, we need you! No one is ever too old to need their parents. Please don't chose death over life. Addicts: Please recognize that meth is liying to you. You have no control, it has total control.
  My letter:
   I want you to know that this is no easy task for me, so, I want to start out by saying a prayer and asking our gracious and most merciful Lord to give me the strength and courage to be as open and clear as possible. I also ask Him to open your heart and allow you to be willing to receive these words with a clear and understanding mind, knowing that the words I write are not meant to hurt you, but are only intended to help the both of us grow in our relationship together.
   You spoke to me today about your heartache. You mentioned the walls you have built to protect your heart from ever being broken. You said you never want to feel that pain again. I understand this type of pain. I will never say that I know what it felt like for you, because I am not you, and I could never even begin to know what it feels like to be in your soul. I do however, know heartache.
I see how very distraught you are from the barriers you hold. I must admit, I am not sure where I fit into this. I feel as though your attention lies elsewhere.
   I admit, and I thank God, that yes, I have found my soul mate. Having this gives me one of the greatest feelings of peace. I could have never made it this far without that. I could never be separated from him! I wish this love on everyone.
   When I am away from you, I swear I don't care. Well, I thought. When I see you, something inside me changes. I feel like a child. All the pain and anger seem to wash away. A goofy grin finds it's way to my face, although, I try to hide it, I feel it. I look at you and I see someone I know nothing about and have very little trust for, but yet my heart flutters. Like a baby when it first sees and hears it's mother for the very first time. Who can deny that?
   I too, have walls. Not caused by a man, but by you. When I was a child, I cherished every moment with you. I hung on to every second I had with you. Everyday I looked for you. Never knowing where to find you. Our time spent together, looking for wheat-back pennies in the same jar every time. That same old coffee can in Mom's closet. Nothing added and nothing taken away. Sitting on Mom and Dad's bed rummaging among the pennies searching for the special ones. I remember the smell it left on my little fingers. I could have stayed there forever. I remember the anxiety and sadness when the door bell rang. "Mother has to go look for a job, she will be back once she gets settled." Mom said. I waited, and I waited. You never came. The building of the wall began.
   You once gave me a crystal necklace with an "R" in it. I embraced it and loved it so much. I would sit in the bathroom by the kitchen and just stare at it in the mirror. It was the most beautiful thing I owned. I took it off to clean it, to give it the attention it deserved, as I usually did. I unclasped the chain, and the charm slipped away, into the drain. Papa tried everything he could, but it was gone. Just like you. The bricks were building.
   Unexpectedly, you came home. I remember you were sleeping for so long. I would peek under the door to see if you might wake. "Let her sleep, she doesn't feel well, she will get up soon." Mom said. I waited. You were there! You were not leaving with that awful woman who would ring the door bell and steal you from me. I was so proud of you. It was our night to host Indian princess. I wanted all of my friends to see you. We wanted to play with your crutches. (I cannot recall what they were for) You were my friend. I wanted to be around you all the time. You stayed with me!
   Soon it was time for your wedding. Everything was falling into place. I was so excited. I was even going to have a new step Dad. I guess in my head, I thought everything would stay the same. I was wrong. Now, I had two Moms, two homes, but only one of me.
   This was the first time I realized who Mom was. The sweet gentle woman who would hold me in her arms when I was sick and rock me, humming a soft melody that only she could do. The woman who would have given up everything for me. The one who rubbed my back while reading a book. The Mom who dressed me in pretty dresses and big bows. The angel who carried me through thick and thin. The one who always felt pain when I did. The miracle that never left my side. She always knew what was best for me. The one who ran out and bought me ten blankies, so I would never have to be without. The blankies that to this day, are the one thing I can always run to when I need to remember what it feels like to be held and protected.
   Please, I don't want this to hurt you. I only want to be honest. I want you to understand what I have been through. I had so much guilt. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way that I had been hurt. If I could have, I would have been everywhere.
   I soon came to realize what you had really been doing while you were gone. I felt so abandoned. I felt so unwanted. I remember, you took me to school. We were arguing and I said you had just left me. You promised me, never again. I believed you.
   I guess you know what happened after that. As quickly as you came, you were gone. Your words and promises meant nothing to me. Mom would tell me you were coming to visit, but always with a caution, "Don't get your hopes up." I eventually started to avoid you. (do you see the walls?) Birthdays would pass with no word from you. Eventually I feared for your life. I was helpless. Nothing would bring you back. You were going to die before I could say good-bye.
   Well, here you are again. How does one trust again? You do so many things to cause suspicion. You say family makes you happy, but your never around. Sometimes you disappear. You never have an answer. Whatever you are doing, once again it is more important. I have never heard you fully admit your wrongs. You act as if you were never gone. You use the excuse, that I talk to Mom, but you make no effort to talk to me.
   Why do people just assume that I can handle things on my own? I know that I am stronger now, but I still hurt. Where do I fit? Am I Mom and Dads child, or am I C's child?
   I'm so scared. Everything has changed. My parents are older. Who will be at my wedding? Who will teach me to rock my babies the way Mom rocked me? Who will teach me the melodies she hummed? Who will have the energy to celebrate with me? I feel like Mom is too tired to even care about a wedding for me. I feel like such a burden at this point. My head hangs so low with guilt and shame. I know that I was given more freedom and material things growing up with Mom and Dad than you seven, but you got their youth, something one can never get back. I grew up with a huge family and soon I will be left with nothing. The end is so close, but I'm just starting. Sometimes I wait for that day, so I can run far away and start over clean. Why can I help so many, but not myself?
   I want your friendship. I want your love and effort. I'm not sure what else at this time. I want my Mommy and Daddy. I want them to love me. I want to make them proud. I want you to make them proud. I want Papa to say I have 8 children. I want them to celebrate my life the way they do you seven. I want to belong. I want to be equal and taken seriously. I want to be seen. My life with Jared is so close to being complete, now I need my family. I want to be understood. I want to be fulfilled!
   Remember, this is only one side of the story. The only side I can tell. The rest is in your hands.
   I can't even imagine the pain that has caused you to do the things you have done. I know that you are searching for something, but I don't know what. I do know from experience, you wont find it with metal armor wrapped around your heart. I also know from experience, that we have the most forgiving and generous God and Parents. You have all the support in the world. Listen to your heart and follow it. God whispers to us in pleasures, He shouts to us in pain. Pain is what shapes us. It makes us stronger and more dependent on Him. We are not on this earth to suffer and lock ourselves in our own personal hell. We are here to love, to take chances, and to serve others. On earth, our dependence lies in God and in our loved ones. He has blessed us with some of the best! Please allow yourself to open. I know, easier said than done, but lets give it a try. I promise you will be so glad you did.
   Life had caused me to be closed. I never trusted, I never cried, I lived a harmful life, and I didn't allow anyone to love me. I never felt so alone. I was punishing myself for no reason. Finally, I opened my door to the Lord. Guess what, He was still there! I was so thankful. Then, I met my love. The partner that I always needed. The one who listens and never judges, the one who knows how to embrace me the way my Mommy did. My strength when I am weak, my friend when I am lonely, my confidant when I need to talk. Someone who makes me want to be a better person everyday. The man who loves my weaknesses. The one who loves and accepts ME. We share everything, our love, our dreams, our humility, our sorrows, and most importantly, our faith.
   God hears our prayers and wants to fill our lives with all that we need. He gives us our joys, pleasures, and pains. Everything for the greatness of our souls. For we seek only one true thing; eternity. He blesses us with trials and joys while we take this journey to His Divine Heart. The people along the way are the angels he places in our world, to help guide us and keep us company. Pain is not the enemy, it really is our friend. Pain is what shapes us! It is better to have loved, than to never live.
   Forgive me if this letter seems scattered. I write as the words are given to me. I love you! I know that you can achieve greatness. You are so strong. Use your gifts to impact the lives of others. Save those who are less fortunate. Use your life as a testament, a testament to how great life is!
--IZZ

Meth and My Marriage Gone Bad

My husband and I met and married while at the height of our addiction,
Little did we know it would it would cause such confliction.

Drugs were new to me at the time,
Every ten to twenty minutes we would do another line.

We were spun out of controle,
Finacially we were in the hole.

Sex was magical in our mind,
After, we had meth left to find.

Days and days without sleep,
So dillusional, "hay lets steel a jeep."

All I know was my mind was blank,
Why did start indulging in crank?

Never resting or eating, looking dead,
feeling that people had me misread.

Never any money in the bank,
Ignoring my kids, knowing they're heart just sank.

Cops surrounding the house,
I jump under the bed,
Hallusinations is what I just said.

I would neglect my kids and see the pain in their eyes,
Yet that damn drug was my own demise.

I have been clean since November 14,2004,
No urge or desire for that damn soar.

It destroyed my marriage,
I lived through a miscarriage.

Never knowing all the while,
I was carrying another child.

Five years together and our marriage is a wreck
Yet not one day with him do I regret.

The addiction was harder for him than I,
Now when he craves it, he makes me cry.

Leaving to get his bump was painful,
Now hearing some words he says are tearful.

Three babies with my man,
Still no love or respect in my hand.

He is clean now and I am too,
Still he keeps acting like a fool.

The damage to our brain is really bad,
It seems we are constantly sad.

But we love each other
I don't want no other.

His relaps is my greatest fear
Let me make that clear.

Him hurting me
Well I'm use to that.

--Melissa