Hi my name is Sharon, I"m 37 and I look like I'm 47. I have been doing drugs for as long as i can remember, I grew up in florida and my family sold drugs. I started smoking pot when i was 11. Meth is the worst drug I've ever tried to quit. At first I smoked it, then ate it, well then I started shooting it straight in the vein. Which is the perferred method for me, when I smoked it, it made me cough for days afterward. snorting hurt my nose. well when I shoot it there are no side-effects; yeah right!!!
Ive quit meth several times, but the boyfriend i just broke up with kept bringing it back into our lives. the last time I quit my body went thru such horrible withdrawals I thought I was gonna die, thats when I realized I hadnt ate or drank anything fo weeks. my liver and kidneys were shutting down and I didnt even realize it all I wanted was to be high. a good friend pulled me out of the house and took me to her house(motorhome), took my phone, and isolated me from everyone. she had to go to work everyday but she took me far away and nursed me thru 2 weeks of living hell. you see I LKED GETTING HIGH< I didnt want to quit. I guess when you shoot your body really goes thru something different, One day I woke up and I could hardly stand, my whole bodywas trembling all my musles hurt Icouldnt take it, I thought i'd die. She rushed home and gave m a pain killer and stayed with me the rest of the day. I'm so glad she did,I would have figured a way to get high that day I was hurting sobad. well I stayed sober for about3 months and I still thought about it everyday, my body and face started looking better (I'm a picker). well thats been about a year ago here I am hooked o the shit again,I've moved away rom the boyfriend and I'm trying to stay sober and fight the depression of leaving the one you love..... IT SO HARD!!! I GOT HIGH TODAY AND IM FEELING REALLY BAD!! Tomorrow is another day I hope to be stronger tomoorow. IM GLAD I saw this website your letters have encouraged me
--sharon

   One unknowingly pregnant mom uses Meth and right then her unborn child suffers a painful stroke and after birth, if it lives will face a life time of disabilities.
For anyone on meth that doesn't understand what the subject means, well here it it. THis is what happened to my precious grandbaby. Mother admitted to using CM during when she was about 6 weeks pregnant and didn't know it.
   Microcephaly - Head is smaller than normal, that led to an MRI. MRI said , 4 different brain malformations. Lissencephaly-parts are smooth, Polymicrogyria-parts have too many grooves, Pachygyria-grooves are too big and Schitzencephaly-a part is missing.
Schitzencephaly caused Septo Optic Dysplasia, mean he has perfect formed eyes but he is totally blind.
   All the brain malformation caused extremely tight muscle tone and he had to have surgery to keep his hip in the joints.
He has never rolled over, crawled or walked.
He is mentally retarted meaning even though he is three, he is mentally like a 3 month old.
He doesn't have good head control.
He has uncontrolled siezures every single day.
   Even though mother is off of this DEVIL drug, she carrys the guilt every time she looks at him so I am raising him. He has numerous doctors appointment and will have to have physical therapy all of his life. I will always have a little baby no matter how old he lives to be. He is still my heart and soul even though all these things are wrong with him. I am so MAD at certain people, especially the ones that encouraged her to "try" this drug. My first born grandson shouldn't have been born like this. When I look at him all I can see is the Little Boy he could have been if it wasn't for Crystal Meth.
   THis drug is on the rise where I live. I have met and talked to 2 other mothers that have children born with similair brain malformations. No ONE wants to admit it, even the grandparents. THey try to blame on some "genetic" disorder. Lying and covering it up won't help users or x users. They have to face the truth and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT if they are clean and HELP someone else that's on it. I'm tired of the lies. I know what's going on here in my city and I want it stopped!!!
--Angel Baby's Ganny

   We have all heard the saying "you can't help who you fall in love with." I now know this to be true. I met my true love about a year ago. The problem is that he is in love with Meth. He's even referred to it as his girlfriend. I guess at that time you would call him a "functioning addict." He had an intense hunger for life and to live his life to the fullest.
   Unfortunatley this hunger is what led him to this drug. He believes he has a hold of his addiction and that it lets him accomplish things he could never do before. What he doesn't see is that it has also been slowly dissolving his relationships with former girlfriends, family members and friends. In the past six months he has lost his hunger for life, but increased his hunger for meth. He currently doesn't have a job or have a desire to find one. Recently he has made the decision to quit. He is going to try to do it on his own, meaning without professional support. I am going to stick this out with him as long as he will let me. It's hard to watch someone you love go through so much and not be able to help. There are times when I do feel trapped and wonder why I couldn't meet a "normal" boy and live the fairy tale life. Unfortunately he would have nowhere to go without me . I can honestly say that I wouldn't choose this if I had it to do again and if I could turn off my heart I would. But the reality is that I can't. I can't just turn my head and walk the other way. This would mean I've given up on him and I can't live with that guilt. I am going to fight this with him even if it kills both of us, at least I tried. I hope I will one day get my "fairy tale ending." Unfortunately addiction doesn't only hurt the addicted.
--veronica

   I've been trying to figure out the secret. Of life. Of meth/death. Of addiction. Of humans. Of Daniel (me) even. (altho that last one is a new work in progress) As I run around, in circles, to the same places on different roads, honoring the journey and all that meaningful "stuff", I noticed that I may trudge down a road with a different name or speed limit but the direction is the same. The distance is the same. The signs are pointing in the same direction. And always to my expected shock the destination is dissapointingly the same and getting worse.
   And I'm just tired. Of THIS journey I've been traveling. To and from rehab and re-home. To and from sober and altered. To and from living and not-living. To and from realistic to my reality. That last one is a mountain for me. A mountain that I can't see the top of. And I've never climbed a mountain, taken a journey that I couldn't see the top of.
   The secret is at the top of that mountain. Or it's not. But I can't stay in this valley anymore. It's dark, it's cold, it's the same, it's small. And though I am small, in size, when I stand next to the mountain... something inside me feels as unknown as the top and the other side of..... my mountain.
   My only advice that I don't really have the authority to offer is, if you think you have a problem (and if you've done meth at all, there's a big chance...) trust your instincts that are worried about that problem(s) and, hopefully, in your own way you will begin down a different path, begin the climb. A great place to start and stay (I still am figuring out the stay part of it) is the program of A.A. and the 12 Steps, it's the only thing I've found that is pure, spiritual (not religious) as you understand that word, and working for millions. I just hope I can get it to work for one. I've read so many of the other letters and I want to say to all of the authors (including me): you are beautiful, complex, blessed, and purposeful beings... that deserve to be free and able to serve that purpose. Stay warm. Stay dry. Just stay. Serenity, Courage, Wisdom,
--Daniel, age 23, CA

   I came across this website as I just had a friend die that was using meth for years. I also have a 39 year old brother who is a meth user to the point that his teeth are falling out and rotting. He disgusts me. I use to think that I still loved him as a brother but he has torn our family apart, he also has a daughter that is 11 that has no idea what a loser he is. I don't understand how someone on meth can sit and look at you in the face and tell you that he is not using drugs when you see his teeth rotting away. It is a terrible drug and I feel like one day we are going to read about my brother in the paper or find him dead. I just wish that he would wake up and realize what he is doing to his life and all of our lives. He doesn't care about anything. I wish he would go to jail so that he can see what it is like and maybe wake up. He has dodged the police for years somehow.
   Any mom's on this website, I feel so sorry for you, I am a sister and I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have a son or daughter on this drug. After seeing these postings it sounds to me like he will never stop. We have done all we can as a family and I hate to say that I can't stand my brother, I hate to see him and I hate the fact that we are related. I don't hate meth, I hate the fact that he isn't strong enough to quit.
--Julie

   It was only 6am and I heard shoutings and I didnt know who it was- and where it was coming from, and what they wanted. I was awake. I was awake because it was my brother, crying out for help that I couldnt give him. I tried so desperatley the night before to show him that what he was doing to his body was wrong but he didnt stop. 6 am was pretty early. It was my brother in a rage- too much meth in his system has led him to this rage. He wanted to leave- leave on his bike. His friends he had said taken away his keys and played pranks on him- but it was really just paranoia. Now- he led to me. He was in my room- this rage of his had walked inside grabed me and told me that I had taken the gas out of his bike. I dont drive, I dont need the gas, why would I take it? It led me to all these questions- but the one question that I truly wanted answered, like him was why. Not why someone stole gas out of his bike, or why he can't see his beautiful 2 year old son, but why he is doing this drug. I may never know. And I only wish to find the answer, but maybe his past will help me find the missing pieces that i so despertly need to find help for him.
   My brother Ryan, who just turned 23 is a hardcore meth addict. It wasn't always like this though. Just recently he had come home from Iraq, while he was serving in the army, and was recovered we thought from his addiction. But, we were all wrong. It was so many years ago that his problems had started and that meth became a drug of his chosing. It was so long ago that me and my brother and my mom used to take trips to see him in his group homes and spend time with him. He was there because of his anger, but later on in his life he was there because of his drug use. People I know, have always said that pot cant possibly lead to harder drugs. They're wrong. I guess they dont know my story. I guess they dont know my brothers. All the pain that he has caused himself, and his friends, and his family,was all because of pot. If he hadn't started with that, he wouldnt have done the harder and bigger drugs. He thought that pot was good, but he wanted something stronger, and something that made him feel better. So he tried speed. He would be tweeked out lying on his bed, and I wouldnt know what to do. I was only 10 or so when he first had done speed, and it was a nightmare for me. Speed was just the begining. It was when he was 11 when he first had done pot, and when it wasn't good enough by 14, he had started the harder drugs, some that made him feel invinsible, and others that made him worry whether the cops were just around the corner. In and out of the several foster homes, group homes, changing schools, were the Holidays, those times when I thought our family could actually be normal again, I guess I was wrong.
   It was when he met Beth, his soon to be ex- wife and mother of his two year old son, that the holidays werent normal anymore. They would come to the holidays all tweeked out on drugs, and scrathes all up and down their arms, weiging less then 100 pounds, and looking like death had taken a hold of them, and spit them back out. It wasnt death though, but it was close enough, It was simply the meth. It was yellings, and screamings at Christmas that led to all this confusion. Beth paranoid that Ryan didnt want to spend time with her, and that Ryan was so mad, and then there lay Sean. The cute little boy that was a product of them both. Never for a second did I think i was going to be an aunt, but it was great. Sean has been blessed to have two parents that love him so much, but then again is unfortunate that his parents are meth users, in the worst way. She never stopped that much while she was pregnant. She was doing meth, before she even knew that she was pregnant, so for 2 months my little godson was in her stomach being fed meth. I felt so bad, that he would turn out with one hand or with a disease or with some sort of syndrome, but luckily, it was the answer to our prayers. Sean was a beautiful baby that was healthy. My brother on the other hand, was definitly afraid to be a father. Every time he would change his diaper, or put his clothes on or feed him, his eyes would get big with fear. I guess it was because while most fathers are there with their wife or girlfriend while they are pregnant he wasnt. He was in rehab, trying to get better, and trying to make a good life for his soon to be child. I never did get it though.When they had gotten busted for meth, only Ryan had gone to court, and had been charged for meth, and recieved help through the state. I didnt really understand why they didnt help Beth.
   Now lay the answers to what I wanted, all this time I wanted to know why he did all these drugs. It may be because my parents split up when we were all young, or maybe it was because my grandparents would tell him that my mom and dad didnt love him and that is why he would be sent away. But, I think the main reason that he touched meth, is because it makes him feel out of this world. It makes all of his troubles, and all of his problems seem to go away for a few days. But, in all honesty through the eyes of a sober one, meth is doing just the oppisite to my brother. It is making him weary, and doubtful, untrustworthy to people that he would depend on and that he knows would die for him, and it has made him scary. I feel like meth has taken over this family, and that this drug will never get out of our life and his. I see the needles, and I see the drug, and then I see my brother, someone that I just want to grab on too, and squezze and just help him, and even though he is older than me, I just wish for once I could tell him what to do. I also wish that I could look up to him. I cant look up to someone who is doing drugs, I cant look up to someone that hurts our family, and I cant look up to someone who isnt themselves. Meth is hiding my brother. Its hiding him and it is showing a mean angry person that I know none of us want to see anymore. I want my brother to beable to see his child whenever he wants to, and I want him to beable to be there for Sean. He cant be there for him when he is buried under the ground. I dont want to see his future as he sees it. He knows that he wont make it past 40, and he knows why too, I just wish he could use his common sense and his smarts that his whole family knows that he has and see that he can live past 40- and that he can see his son grow, but for right now I dont want to admit it, but I do see the same future for him as he sees for himself. He's not grabbing onto his life with his hands, he's letting meth do it for him. If he truly wants to get better he will push meth aside and grab onto life with his own hands and he will relaize just like a lot of you that there is life after meth, and that it can be a beautiful one, if you just let yourself expierence it.
   But for my brother, Maybe there will never be life after meth. I dont want to think like that, but everytime he tries to get better he gets put back into the same enviorment as he is used to. I dont want anything to happen to him, and I definitly do not want on his obituary "passed away with an addiction to meth". Life is meant to be lived, its not meant to be lived like this though. I wish that he could live his life with his son, and show him all the things that as a kid he wished he could have been shown. With all my love your little sister
--Sarah*

   Hello. I just want to tell everybody out there to do everything you can to stop the use of meth if you have a loved one who uses it. I just buried my 25 year old son one week and 2 days ago because of meth. I love him and miss him so very much. I wish I could turn back time but I can't. all I can do is to tell you mothers that the best thing you can do for your children is do anything it takes to stop this death trap that our kids are falling into. even if you have to have them thrown in jail it will save their lives. I will never be able to hold my son again or tell him I love him, but if you still have a chance please do everything you can to save your son or daughter's life.
--K

   I am the wife of a meth user who is now sitting in a state prision, because he thought the guys he hung out were knew it all and got busted. He has been away from his family since June 2004. I take his kids to see him, but while being locked up you can say anything-the real test will be in the next two months when he comes home. While being locked up he suffered from a BRAIN TUMOR- the doctor told us that there was a chance that this came from being addicted to meth. If you really want help you can do it! I have faith in my husband for quitting (because he had too) but if he goes back to it he knows the out come. NO FAMILY!!!! I REFUSE TO PUT UP WITH IT AGAIN. I lost my house and my husband. He lost his freedom, his wife, his kids, his life.
--Kelly

   My niece is 17 years old and has been doing crystal meth for at least 3 years. She has destroyed all family relationships to the point that no one to help her, her father had to spent the last three years of his life trying to save her with total disregard for the other (younger) children in their family and at this point, we are all finished with her.
   Pathetic - she was bright, fun, clever and now she has nothing left. I am sick to death of hearing about the drug addicts and how their mother/father/family, etc. made them this way.......... No one forced them to do the drugs. I know people who have been through extreme emotional/physical abuse who chose to make a life for themselves rather than to go this route. TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES IN LIFE AND QUIT BLAMING EVERYONE!
I cannot believe how this niece has impacted (painfully) so many lives.
--PO

   I am a sister, aunt, daughter, friend, and a nurse. I have had way too many oppurtunities to see what effect this drug has on the addicts themselves and their families. Not only in my job but in my family as well. My sister and her 2nd husband started using 5 years ago and have been clean for the last 3 years. I have all the faith in God that they will not turn back to the lifestyle that nearly destroyed them. My sister has two boys who mean more than anything on this earth to me. I was no innocent in all that happened. I had to leave and get myself together for the sake of my nephews. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to face, the thougth of having to leave them with a woman who was once my best friend and I no longer knew ,scared the hell out of me. I had lived with my sister and her kids for quite some time and then moved in full time when their real father died. I saw my sister and her 2nd husband almost waste away to skeletons before my eyes. It was so hard, I so desperately wanted to help her and she was so paranoid that she thought all I wanted to do was hurt her and take the boys away forever. I just wanted my sister back. I wanted the boys to have the mother that they had grown to know. this wasn't her. By the grace of God after they had lost everything they had they were able to escape meth's clutches and see what it had done to them. They lost a successful buisness that my sister had worked very hard to build. Had it not been for my mother and I, she would have eventually lost the kids as well. Don't get me wrong it has been a slow sometimes painful road back. I have my best friend back and the boys have the mother that has always loved them no matter what back the way she was. I have watched my sister recover and I am amazed at her strength and I don't think she gives her self enough credit. I have seen so many women come through my field of work and not be able to get past the feelings of guilt, depression, dettachment, and disgust that often envelopes a recovering meth addict.There is hope and she is proof. She has been attending college now for 2 years and will graduate soon. I am so proud of her and I love her. It was God's grace and the love of her children, the precious gifts from God that she is here today and doing as well as she is. My brother in law has not used meth as far as I know. He still battles his own demons. I pray for him all the time. I have seen so many good people fail but I have aslo seen them rise above their addictions. I had tried meth myself at the time I lived with her and decided after a few weeks of not being able to sleep, hold fluids, running fevers, having sores develop in my mouth and starting to watch my relationships deteriorate with my loved ones that I had enough. I moved out and I thought I would die of a broken heart. God lifted me up and put me on the path to recovery, self love, and my true calling. I went to school and became a nurse and am trying to help others. It can be pretty scary to see what could have happened to me, but for that every day I am grateful. Please know all is not lost. Recovery is not a pipe dream. Meth however is a nightmare and leads to only death. For those of you with children who are using meth, PLEASE STOP! They are innocents and never did anything to bring on the wrath of the devil himself. I work with the very old to the very young. Meth affects everyone. Please find help and be strong. There is a whole world waiting for you without meth. I know I live in it. God bless all of you in your efforts.
--J.K.

   From the years 1992 until 1998, I was a heavy user. Over the years I had told myself that I could handle it, other people had problems because they were weaker than I. Well, after losing my house, cars, job and dignity, I learned the hard way. Pigeoned up and tweaked out in a cheap hotel with the few worldly items I hadn't sold, I made the most out rageous decision ever: to buy a one way bus ticket to Los Cabos, Baja California and to escape the addiction. It was the best decision I have ever made!! Being that I had no family nor friends there (and didn't speak the language) I had far more important things to think about than finding meth. When it did cross my mind I was surprised to learn that meth is extremely difficult to find and that most people had never even heard of it. I have sinced moved to the interior of Mexico where I now happily call my home. I visit my family at least once a year and during this time is when I am reminded that I am an addict for life. I know myself much better now. I am weak. Even after so many years and so much loss, I still remember the 'good times' when I am on vacation in California. But I am happy to say that I rarely think about meth during the rest of the year.
   Meth is a powerful drug that is designed to make you feel like a 'KING'. There is no better feeling, but it comes with consequences. In my situation it would have been impossible for me to quit the habit through programs. I imagine that this is the same for many of you out there. If you really want to quit, first take yourself completely out of the environment (and from what I have read this a great part of the U.S. now). Good luck!!
--Roger

   Hello, my name is Gina. I am a professional nurse, the mother of two wonderful boys, & have been divorced twice. I worked as a social worker in an adolescent drug treatment program for 2 years. I grew up around an alcholic grandfather, twp drug addicted uncles, & drug addicted father. I fell in love w/an amazing man, he supports me w/my educational & professional decisions, he adores my children, we got engaged & bought home. My fiancee is a recovering meth abuser. When we met, he had been sober for a couple of weeks & he promised to never do it again. Little did I know, that this disease would be dormant & flare up someday. He is what I call a "craver." We had an argument the night before my birthday, he left for a couple of hours & had a couple of drinks. A month later, he tells me that he hit a few lines "just because." He swears he'll never do it again & has begun to read the "big book." Our relationship is on such edge, I don't want to live w/the fear that he will end up a "junkie" found in an alley. Our relationship will never be the same. Dealing w/an addict at home differs from dealing w/an addict as a part of your job. At work, we learn to be empathetic; at home, we can't seperate the emtion from the situation. Maybe, I just can't understand you, the drug/alcohol addict; I don't judge you because we all have our weakness. I've seen many people come in through the emergency room doors; many are holding on to their life w/a string, others were found overdosed in an alley or by their kid(s), others are sprung out of their mind. It's sad to see so many people "waste" their life away, for whatever reason. I have had many life expreriences such as an abusive step-father, recovering rape victim, single mom, teenage mom, abusive husband (#1), unfaithful husband (#2), etc...etc...etc...I found God in my life. Sometimes it seems so easy & we abuse drugs/alcohol to find a solution for temporary problems. I pray for those of you that have found the strength within to give yourself another chance at life...for those of you that have been affected by those around you that have been or are addicted to any type of drug...for those of you that continue to use drugs..& for those of you that are thinking about it.
--Gina

   wow ! KC . my husband is a crystal meth addict , i tried it yrs ago and couldnt do it i didnt like it ,But my husband just left me 3 weeks ago . for a so called woman just like the one you describe , Her mother is pretty wealthy and supports her habbit cause she's a meth addict .
   This woman ( if thats what you call her ) is skinny nasty and insulin dependant diabetic and . She is always with another man and my husband knows this he cant even stand her ,well he couldnt stand her a few mths ago .
   Now he tells me he loves her . He said I didnt smoke pot or ride around with him or listen to his kind of music said i CHANGED . And we own everything to and been married 13 yrs 4th of July , thats the day he left us , no car no money no food .wouldnt tell me where he was , wouldnt answer the cell phone . I found cell phone bills with her # the bill was over 700.
   Im not vein either at least i dont think . why would he leave us home and land for someone who doesnt love him anymore than the last guy . Now im having female problems .
   In 3 weeks i have changed my phone # toke what last money out of our account signed up for welfare , and got a restraining order because when i found out he wasnt leaving beacuse he needed his space he was with her , they both threatened to harm us .
   Now im selling everything that doesnt have a title to get us a car/truck and buy school clothes for my son .
   I wanna save him . 4 weeks ago he loved me helped me with groceries , saddled up the horse for me ...............hugged me and told me he loved me . everyone is saying leave the bast- - - - . He is sick been sick for 4-5 yrs how can i just throw him away we've been together for 15 yrs ....
--Jennifer

   Hi Carol, I read your letter about your son-in-law and I can relate so much to it. My son-in-law too is in this condition. However, he hates me and I haven't seen him in more than a year. My daughter has left him time and time again but she goes back. At this time, I don't know what condition either are in. They don't work and everything she had is in storage buildings from here to there. She is not the same person. I long for her to come back home and let me "fix it". But I know I can't fix it. She has to want to do it herself. Reading your letter brought tears out of me that I thought I had repressed.
   You are right, something has got to be done about this drug. Too many of our young people are getting lost in this mess and some will never return. This is our future and right now the future looks bleak. Why can't something be done to stop this drug? I want to make a difference in the lives of the future generation. How can we put a stop to this horrible drug?
--Gwen.

Response to mother with daughter in southern california-january 2005
   Dear mom, I too am a mom with a daughter that has a meth problem. She has never told me this, one of her friends did, but if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s a duck. The things that you said, about how hard it was to leave her at the homeless shelter, I have never had to do that, I had to leave her at a highway motel. She has lived in the ghettos, I’m sure crack houses, and with other people until the car, money and job run out and then they kick her to the street. She has held 13 jobs in 4 years, fired from many, several she just stopped showing up. She is now pregnant and thinks that they guy is going to marry her. I’m glad that your daughter is getting the help that she needs, I hope that it all works out for you and me.
--Averysadmom

   Hello my name is Wicked and im an Addict. I started useing drugs when I was 13yrs old. Im know 28yrs old with two kids and have been clean for four months this time. I did have 18 months but went back out. In all of my active use you name it I've done it. The lying, cheating, hurting others. The useing to live and living to use. I have learned that im powerless over my addiction, and my life had been unmanageable. I was from Ca. but know live in AZ. I attend N.A. and C.M.A. meetings every night and call my sponcer every day, and have been working my steps for the third time. If you have a question about if your an addict read this and if you answer yes to any of this then you are an addict. "Who Is an Addict?" Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or anther-the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, and addict is a man or women whose life controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a contiuing and progressive illness whose end are always the same: Jails, Institutions, and Death. The only thing I can do is give you the tools of recovery it is up to you to use them. For there is one thing I do read, "We Do Recover" When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative; either go on as best we can to the bitter ends---Jails, Institutions, or Death----or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in mans entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual--not religious--program, known as Narcotics Anonymous. I do hope that you find the rooms of recovery and find a new way of life.
--Wicked

   last night i was confronted with the reality that i have been avoiding for a few years now, no im not using, but my mom is and when i was totally sure i was so discussed i had been lying to my self making excuses for her every time i would find a piece of evidence. so here is my story and i hope to those who have a daughter around 16 as my self that if u do any thing for her kick the habit. well for about 10 years my aunt and uncle are repeatedly really good off and then all of a sudden they would fall right to the bottom. my whole family have said stuff and basically knew what has been happening to them. by the time i was 10 or 12 i was able to put the pieces together myself. now about 2 years ago my oldest cousin (who i recently found out has had some problems with "ice" i.e. losing her own business) came in to the picture at the time she lived in Texas and since has moved back here to indy and started hanging around with my aunt and uncle and recently she has been hanging around my house a lot and when she is here my mom in here go in her room and shut the door (witch she never dose) my mom smokes pot openly and dose it in front of me so i didn't think that is what they were doing and my mom would sometimes stay up for days doing house work and she has said stuff about if it wasn't for me she would kill herself (we have had a really bad year) and i try to reassure her that she is too smart to do that and that is that stupidest thing any one could do. well this weekend my mom and i went to my aunt and uncle's house and my cousin showed up there and they didn't wont my cousin who was more my age to be in the garage with them witch is a place that we all usually play pool and party. they all thought that my cousin and i both have know idea what they are doing but they are so wrong, bout an hour later another cousin showed up who is older but has nothing to do with that stuff came inside to chill with us he is easy for me to talk to and i flat out asked him what exactly are they doing in there (because i had been denying it for so long i didn't want to be able to anymore) so he told me it was "ice" i thought it was crack but i think the 2 are similar im not a druggy so im not quite sure. well that was Saturday and it is now Monday and i am still so mad, disappointed, scared, discussed and worried all at the same time. so once again moms kick it for ur kids cus that should be the most important reason to and the most important noun (person, place, or thing) to you. well i want to confront my mom and im scared to and dont know how
--LIL

   im 16 and i can remember the first time i tried meth. a couple of my friends starting using it and i even watched one of them do it and i started to get interested so i told them i wanted to try it. me and my friend went to the persons house and he got out the pipe and my friend passed it to me and ever sense the first time i loved it. i thought it was the best thing in the world and nothing else mattered as long as i could get high. my dad had told me my grades were slipping and my attitude had gotten worse the past couple months and i just laughed it off like he didnt know what he was talking about. i wouldnt come home after school, i went straight to the guys house to get high and stayed there until about 9 sometimes later at night is when i got home. my stepmom got tired of my dad just letting me not come home after school and barely ever coming home except to sleep so they were at the edge of divorce. i lost 20 pounds in 2 months. everyone started asking me why i was losing weight and i just said i had been on a diet. i ignored all of my friends except the ones i went with to get high. i never went to my moms house because she lives an hour away from me and i used to go over there all the time but i couldnt even try to go over there for one day out of the last 3 months i was using because i couldnt go a daywithout it. this is serious stuff. ive been clean for 2 months and i now realize how serious it is and how stupid i was for doing it. so if you've never done it and come across the chance to, you have to make a choice, life, or death.
--danielle

   This isn't like most other addiction stories, I'm not in my late 20's, I don't have 3 kids and an addicted husband... In my reality I am going on 20 years old and have been addicted to crystal meth for almost 4 years. Yes, I didn't say I was an addict, I am an addict.... I kicked the habit for a whole week once, went through withdrawals and started all over again, for 45 days straight I was putting this chemical up my nose, until 7 days ago... My dad, the only person to open his eyes and quit ignoring the obvious stepped in... For being a girl that used to weight 160 pounds it's quite obvious the only diet that would work would be meth amphetamines, considering I now weight barely 100. And that was the hook for me, staying thin and skinny, it seemed the only way. But I don't want any sympathy, God, us idiots that do this sh*t don't deserve any sympathy, it's our friends and famalies that do.... I'm only writing this to give the advice to the other people out there that might be struggling, or just looking for information... It seems worth it at the time, and yes it's fun to stay up all night and have fun, I won't deny it, but it KILLS you... I don't remember the last time I was normal... What is normal after 4 years of this killer drug? Just think of everyone around you when you want to JUST HAVE FUN....
--Charis

   Hi, I am 44 years old and have been clean for 6 years. How did I do it ? When I had nothing else to cling to, I cried out to the Lord. From that day forth the desire was gone. I wasn't 100%. But getting better month by month.. Now it doesn't seem as if I ever did the Drug. Except for the fact that my children may never be able to forget my paranoia, and the unreal things in my mind.. I've talked to them about it. Why their mother was such a freak. I thank God everyday for my big miracle. Heres part of a poem I wrote to help reinforce staying clean.
   It starts a freind, takes away the pain. No sorrow do you feel, and you have all the world to gain.
And after its done doing, what its supposed to do. It leaves and befreinds you, while taking your soul too.After some time of taking this drug, withdrawn you have become, with no _expression on your face, yes the drug has won.
   You don't even know whats happened until most of the damage has been done. A smile crosses Satans mouth, yes the drug has won. My freind if you feel full of despair , and don't know which direction to take.. Look upon the Lord God My freind his love and guidance awaits.
--YL

   I have been sitting here reading the letters that have been posted her and I am so sad!
My daughter has also been involved with meth and I pray to God every day that she will be able to stay away from it. She was our shining star! A good girl, always did what she was told, never had to worry about where she was at or what she was doing, did her home work. She was popular ,evolved in sports, worked, went to school then she met a boy who is now her husband!
His entire family, mother ,father, and two brothers are all meth users! He was high the day they got married!
   I thought I was smart about drugs. NOT! I didn't have a clue they were using! She still went to school, went to work played her sports and when a friend tried to tell us and she denied it I believed her-she never lied to me! I was so stupid!
   She was 19 years old with a 1 year old son when things got really bad! Her whole personality changed. She went from being one of the most attentive mothers I knew to dragging her son out for days and at all hours of the day and night! ( she was better then other mothers because she took him with her and didn't leave him like the other girls on meth did!).She lost 30 pounds in 3 months. I started asking friends if she was using one said simply "If you think she is she is!".
   She was breast feeding my grandson! He ended up with pneumonia. She couldn't breath because she has asthma and was smoking the meth we almost lost them both!
   I cried every day for so long! We couldn't even have a civil conversation any more. One day I had just had enough and in the middle of an argument called a counselor. She laughed and said she wouldn't go and I said fine.
   She left and moved in with her boyfriend and his father and my husband and I started counseling. She was out with friends one night and the guy ripped off a house then when he got caught he and his girlfriend blamed my daughter so she was hauled in to the police station and later called to testify before a secret grand jury! Thank God that happened!She wanted to come home and we told her only if she went into counseling she agreed but laughed it off until the counselor told her she WOULD help us to get custody of her son!
   She quit , got pregnant again and married her husband the father of her children even though she caught him smoking meth the night before the wedding!
   A week later his grand mother got a call form the bank because he had printed a check on her computer and cashed several around town! Need less to say he decided to leave town in a hurry taking our daughter and grandson with him and breaking our hearts!  They are living in Missouri now and to the best of our knowledge they are both clean, but they will never be the same!
   That drug changes people, changes their logic and reasoning. My daughter says I just don't understand how much you want the drug. It grabs hold of them and never lets them go!
I hate having them so far away from me(several states) but if they can stay clean and be a family then I will live with that! He is working, they now have a 4 month old daughter and just got into their first home. They have a long way to go and I still worry about if he is using and when she was home visiting I worried old friends would drag her back down. We have repaired our relationship for that I am grateful, I still have a hard time dealing with the fact she has been forever changed but she is alive, healthy and back to being an attentive mother.
   All I can do now is pray but if you have any question in your mind that someone you love is involved with meth do something NOW! This is an epidemic in this country and it is destroying lives and families we have got to start fighting back!
--Kathy

   I want to share my story about how meth almost destroyed my life. I was married for almost 9 years to a man that I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with. I truly loved him with all of my heart and I would have done anything for him and vowed to stand by his side no matter what. To this day, the only regrets that I have are that my 13 year old step-son lives with him and is in a bad situation. The good news is that my 13 year old son (who lives with me) and I are getting our lives back together.
   You see, my step-son came to live with us because his biological mother was arrested for possession, and she used meth. We were totally appalled and I did not even hesitate to make arrangements for him to live with us. At the time, my husband swore how much he hated meth and vowed that it wouldn't ever make his son unhappy again.
   We planned on moving out of state so he could go to technical school. I noticed then that he wasn't very motivated about it, therefore those plans fell through. We lived with his aunt because we could not afford to be on our own. I had a decent paying job at the time and wondered where all of our money was going to, but he apologized for being financially irresponsible. I accepted that.
   We eventually moved once again, this time relocating to another state. Myself and the boys were going to live with my brother and he was on his way to Florida to go to school. It didn't work out. He blamed me for it, but he didn't realize that my brother and I had a falling out because I was defending him against my brother who questioned his work ethic (there was none) and this parenting ability. We moved back to Indiana and lived with his sisters for a couple of months.
   We both found good paying jobs and was able to get a house. I noticed that during this time, his mood changed and he acted like he just didn't care about anything. I tried to talk to him about it, but as usual, he blamed me for his problems.
   During the last 2 1/2 years, I have had a rude awakening. He had an internet affair (of course blaming me for that also). We separated, but he decided that he wanted his family. He also grew to resent the fact that I had 2 promotions and a rather large salary increase, while he was at risk for losing his job due to poor performance.
   How does this involve meth? Well, last fall a friend of mine was listening to be complain about all the money that I was spending on bills. She flat out told me that she knew for a fact that my husband was using meth regularly. He was using it at work and left the house for long periods at a time to use. I confronted him with this and of course he denied it. I didn't know anyhting about meth except it was a bad drug. Life went on as usual, but I was falling deeper into the pit of depression because I thought that I had failed as a wife. I gained a lot of weight, was put on anti-depressants, and spent most of my time in bed.
   He then had this idea of opening up a customization shop. I felt that this was the way to make him happy. I spent a lot of money for tools and parts. I worked a lot of overtime hours to make the extra money (at this point, I was paying all the bills in the household and God only knows where his money was going). I was also exhausted because not only I was working alot, but I was solely taking care of both of the kids.
   It was around Christmas that we had 3 1/2 ft. of snow in 24 hours and he was climbing the walls to get out of the house. He left and didn't come back for hours.At the end of January, when we received out W2 forms, I had a reality check. I didn't realize that we made as much money as we did. I was struggling to pay the bills, and it appeared that I shouldn't have had a reason to. When we received our tax return, I kept a close eye on our bank accounts. In a week, he withdrew $1,000 and didn't have anything to show for it. Then, a few days later, in a period of 24 hours, he withdrew over $250 from 3 different ATM machines, in 3 different counties.
   Of course he denied it. He claimed that he lost his card and someone must have found it. I called the bank and explained what was going on and they reviewed the surveliance cameras at the ATM machines. Of course it was him!I confronted him with this at the beginning of February. At this time, my wages were being garnished because I could not pay all of the bills anymore (Why do the courts think that the wife's income is disposable income? I was paying for everything!). I had done a little research on meth and when I thought back over the events from the past few years, I realized that was what he was doing. He denied it of course and I insisted on a drug test. He refused and I told him to get out. He then became violent and it was scary. I later hired a detective to trail him and received a report on where he was going and what he was doing. I called him and told him that I was filing for divorce because of the meth use and the lies.
   That's when all Hell broke loose. He admitted to using meth and asked for help. I offered to help him but he didn't want help. He wanted a crutch. Since then, I have divorced him. I lost alot of marital property but I didn't care. I just wanted out of the madness. Since then, he had continued to stalk me, accuse me of being with different men, he has slashed my tires, stalked my friends, and would't leave me alone.
   He hasn't worked in 2 months and has his 13 year old son, 20 year old daughter, and 1 year old grandson living with him. He still won't admit that he has a problem. He wears an ace bandage around his forearms, and wears long sleeve shirts to keep the sores hidden. He has lost so much weight that his clothes just hang on him. His hands and mouth is torn apart from chewing on them. He has big black circles around his eyes. His own family mentioned that he was "losing it" and was getting paranoid. He actually believed that people were after him and cameras were installed in his trailer. He also would go for days without sleep (7-11 days at a time).
   I, on the otherhand, am recovering in my own way. I wasn't aware that HIS addiction had affected me. My son and I are both in counseling and we both have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder but we are on the road to healing. I am better off now than I have been in a very long time. I lost all the weight that I put on and am no longer taking anti-depressants. Bills are getting paid and I have been able to save money and take my son on vacation. We are able to laugh and enjoy happiness once again.It still is very painful because when I think about him, it hurts. I still love him dearly, but I cope with those feelings because there is no turning back. My son's life and well-being (not to mention mine as well) are the most important things in my life. I realize that the man I fell in love with no longer exists. He has been replaced by an empty shell with a meth addiction. I still pray that someday he will seek the help that he needs and is able to quit using meth before it is too late.
   On a closing note, thank you to my dear friends and family for supporting me through this nightmare, and to Al Anon for accepting me with open arms and for giving me the tools I needed to survive this nightmare. Thanks to Al Anon, I KNOW I did not CREATE this, I did not CAUSE this and I cannot CURE this.
--Susan

   My precious son killed him self on July 9, 2001. He left a note in his pocket saying, *I can't get off this Evil Drug*. The coroner said he had a very high dose of Methanphetamines in him. He struggled with this drug for so long. He finally had been off of it for a year and then when things got rough, he slowly started using again. He couldn't deal with it and hung himself one lonely summer night in his backyard with his dog's leash. It was too much for me to bear. His dog loved him so much. She wouldn't even come out of her dog house for over a year. She had done the same thing when he went to jail. She literally lived in his truck. We all tried to get her out, but she was a big German Shepard and wouldn't budge. It was heart breaking.
   We've all suffered so much from this. Thank you for having sites like this to show people what this drug does. I miss my son so much. I can't believe that an illegal drug can push someone to do what he did. It kills me every day.
   My son before he died. He was clean. Here he is with his baby. What a Precious Life to take.
God Help us all. This drug is so Evil as my son said in his suicide note. Please take care,
--Linda, Ray's Mom

   Hi, my name is diane and i want to start this letter out by saying " don't fool yourself or let anyone else fool you . Meth kills"!!!!!.. I know, i just received the death certificate of my childrens father. The cause of death on the certificate reads acute methamphetamine intoxication... It took 3 months for toxicology to be ran and the death certificate to be completed. Don't be shocked when i tell you that when i wrote his obituary all i could state was natural causes ... Well it was the truth . Death is natural but i wonder how many other people have died secondary to meth but it just is not published
   i am also getting a little upset with the media because they portray most meth users as bad people and low life... They are forgetting to get to the bottom line and that is that meth kills... It can even be the first time you use it.... It takes the lives of all sorts of people and completley changes a persons personality... The person could be your best friend, your parents, your child...i hope people read this letter so my childrens father does not die with out a purpose. If it just helps one person to quit or not go on it... I also want you to know that my children ages 2, 12, 10, and 17 miss their father dearly .. He was a great father but unfortuanetly he did have a meth addiction... I will tell you it was the worst day of my life when i found him laying face down on the floor with a meth pipe beside him.. That memory will haunt me the rest of my life... As well as his childrens because they were with me too ( they did not see the pipe) ..we will truly miss each holiday with him and not a day will go by that we won't think of him and miss him... We love you dad...
   Please please get off meth or don't try it... Tell people you read this and it does kill.. Other people have died too but familys get enbarrased because it is illegal and such a terrible terrible drug.. If you don't die it also changes your perosonality (and not at all for the better) i truly have to say i think it is a drug created by the devil ... In memory of my childrens father and my best friend... Love you ..
--Diane ..

   I wanted to share my story to help inspire all the recovering addicts and their families. My name is Susie, and I'm 36 years old. I have been clean for 9 years. My story resembles many of the letters I have read here...it's scary. Back in 1994 I was 25 years old, and always had a bit of a wight problem...that's how it all started. I had a few lines at a party, and soon I was buying it and snorting it EVERY DAY! Amazing how much weight I lost...I felt so thin and beautiful. ( All the while I had terrible sores on my face, from spending hours in the bathroom picking at them). I had a good job at the time as a bookkeeper and was going to college at night to earn my degree in accounting. By August of 1995..I was fired, after 7 years on the job. Why? Embezzlement..I had discovered a way to rip off my company to pay for my growing habit. It gets worse...I was also pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence and possesion of meth. Unlike other letters on this site...this is where my life turned around. I was sent to a rehab program, and met my husband. (We shared similar stories and helped each other stay clean). I was able to pull myself out of the world of speed before things got worse. That's why I want to share my story. We were married in 1998. I finished college, and now have a very good paying job. My husband and I own a nice house in the suburbs and are blessed with two little girls (ages 3 and 5). My point? IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO STOP. YOU CAN DO IT!. I am living proof that there is life after meth. I sometimes have the desire to use...but all I have to do is look at my little girls. It works every time. God bless and good luck to all of you.
--Susie